Hello blog, so many things to write about that I can't keep up with regular updates.
That woman is consuming me. One day she's hot, the next she's cold. We'll have momentum going between us for a few days, and then she'll do something that screeches it all to a halt and makes me not like her.
And then, as always, I end up loving her.
Yesterday had her inviting me over for dinner. She made this delicious lamb bolognese pasta which I was pretty impressed by. My favourite moment, however, had to do with ringing the doorbell and seeing the smile of her daughter Ivy as she answered. I gave her a quick tickle and a hug and all felt right in the world.
The rest of the time I spent there went well. Great food, had fun with Ivy and Fola and I spent quality time together, which was made easier by the fact that her sister Sade left a few minutes after I arrived to go to a softball game.
And as I'm leaving and driving to work, riding this high, feeling full of love and goodness and a happy stomach; I get this message from Fola about how she has these "fears" that I would do something to her daughter. Heavily implied it would be sexual.
There goes my good mood. Being subtley accused of having the potential to be a child molester, didn't leave me feeling very uplifted. I was pissed off. I love her daughter, and I love kids. Two hugs and a kiss on the cheek does not necessitate those fears she was having. More so when it is with me, because she's known me for a year and a half now. I thought it was a disgusting fear to vocalize to me, and I told her as much.
Blog, I am.. so fucking conflicted with this woman. Earlier today she was telling me about how she wants to take me on a trip someplace, and all I could think was: words, words, words.
No action. No surprises. Just throwing out words and trying to elicit certain feelings from me with their hollowness. As if those were welcome substitutes for, you know, actually planning a trip together. Or surprising me with one.
And then earlier today, she had something happen at McDonalds where she got free food from some girl named "Blessing" and suddenly she throws on her phone and records this live video on Facebook about how the Law of Attraction works, and that there's this vacuum that needs to be filled in order for riches to come into your life, etc etc. Yesterday she filmed a video on this topic as well, based on a book that I had the impulse to give her. She hardly mentions me in the video. Just this really quiet, "my partner gave me" comment that could barely be heard. No mention of me at all, really. No thanks given to me, which enabled this recent hyperactivity and excitement in her.
Not that I desire the credit, but I want to be appreciated. And I'm not. It's all about her, and things "magically" come to her. Anonymously, and without needing to be acknowledged.
What bothers me the most, is not only does she not credit me by name, but there's no mention of me on her Facebook. No pictures of us together, and she has this picture of her with some other guy on there.
I really don't feel loved by this woman. I don't. She takes me for granted, and I have to pull my hairs out at the stupid shit she does, like joining the OTO which she later tells me she's glad she didn't do.
But she would have, if I didn't raise a fuss about it. Again, not giving me credit, and basically making it sound like it was her own decision not to join. Despite the fact that she sent in a pre-enrollment application and enthusiastically asked me to "support" her decision. Which she kept secret from me until I asked questions about her meeting with those two guys from the group.
Fola does not have a good head on her shoulders. This morning as I was having my tea after work, I stumbled across my old friend Jerry Chan and I was surprised to see that not only did he marry the girl (Shawna) whom he met while we were still on good terms; but they also have a child together now, a boy, that came in this year.
I was really happy for him. Seeing the smile on his wife's face and his son and on his own, really caused this swelling in my heart. I still remember teasing him for being a virgin, and he ended up marrying the girl he lost his virginity towards. The second girlfriend he's ever had.
(sighs)
Humility. Fola has none of it. And when I looked at Jerry's wife's Facebook feed, I saw what was missing in my life.
Happiness. And a woman who appreciates and would want to be happy with me. Who can make me laugh, and whom I can make laugh also. I can't do this with Fola. She doesn't have anything but a cruel sense of sarcastic, dark humor. She can't have an intelligent conversation, either it seems. All the stuff she's "learning" I'm interested in, but she retains very little of it and doesn't have a good grasp on most of what she's passsionate about.
And she has the gall to be posting videos online about how awesome she is at manifesting things and "teaching" others to do the same. Her card says "manifestor" on it for Christ sake. That's not even a real word/
I'm embarsssed by this woman, to be honest. Every time she seems to make progress, her pride and ignorance appears to get the better of her. And when something small like free ice cream appears, she starts raving about how the "universe" "blessed" her.
It's madness. It's crazy. It's... boastful and prideful and ignorant.
In my opinion.
Whenever she gives "thanks" to the universe, I get annoyed. Because I think she is stripping it from the name it actually goes by.
God. The universe is God. Not "the universe" like its some impartial, unintelligent entity floating around in the ether. Able to grant wishes.
And she is absolutely power-mad. She really wants a Land Rover, and then tells me later that maybe chasing after a car is not what she should be doing. Then she messages me earlier today about, "I wonder what's my next ambition after I get my Land Rover", going back to wanting a damned car again.
Materialistic, and her spiritual side is...
Greedy. That's the right word. Her liked videos on YouTube is a testament to her OCD about all this stuff. Wanting to be a clairovoyant and seeing auras and healing people with her magical powers.
I truly am dating a crazy woman. A crazy woman with misguided faith and understanding.
I believe in all this stuff. I've manifested things before. I sense that I am on a path of some kind that has been predestined and arranged for me. By my own hand and by the hand of God and whatever else.
And I remain grateful for this opportunity. It stresses me the fuck out sometimes to be with Fola, but then there are times like yesterday, when everything feels perfect and exactly the way I'd like my life to be.
Until she sent me that message about her "fears".
God damn... I was going to say, God damn that woman, but that is harsh...
I want to believe she can change, and she has changed. But two steps forward, one step back, is a dance that frustrates the hell out of me.
Perhaps I need to place more focus on myself.
Spending too much time thinking about her and her antics that its crowding everything else out in my life. My own ambitions and creative and spiritual pursuits.
And clearly I am not all that important to her. Or maybe I am, but she has a terribly ignorant way of expressing it. Some questions in text gets flat out ignored. I am not mentioned or displayed anywhere on Facebook. She likely doesn't mention me to her friends and family all that much. She hasn't suggested I meet any of her friends since Ryan and Lenore. She talks about how she's willing to be "disowned" by her family should we be living together, but thats just talk.
Most of it is talk.
Time for doing, Fola.
It's time to prove your words.
You're a force of nature. A malestrom that topples homes and buildings as it spins wildly out of control on a path that you have little idea or awareness of. Whoops, there goes a mobile home, tore the roof right off and now there's a hole in the ground. Who cares? She didn't notice. And when I point out the consequences of her ignorant pride, she gets upset at my dragging her "vibration" down. Or she becomes distant and closed-off again.
I am having such a hard time keeping up with that woman.
But, for some reason, there is something valuable here. Lessons that appear to assist in evolving the two of us.
And for that, I continue to hold on to this tail as the beast spins me around wildly. From love to disgust, from respect to loathing. From pride, to shame.
Over and over and over again.
God, heed my words and heal that woman. Give me the strength and tools and wisdom to help make her into the woman she wants to be. With none of the pride and ego attached. Or as little of it as possible.
Have her be happy and proud to be with me. Have her be thankful for the things that I do for her and willing to reciprocate. Willing and demonstrating the apparent love she has for me.
And to find self-awareness and balance enough to be able to think straight. To make intelligent and informed decisions.
To help her find her way.
And to help me find mine, also.
Even though this feels like the right path for me at the moment, I am having my doubts.
So many doubts.
And I pray to you to dispel them from me. Or to move me onto someone more deserving.
I am your servant. I serve God, the Universe, the collective unconscious. Love.
I serve love. Even though it has been very difficult for me to do so. I continue to try.
And the trying is what matters. No matter how much I struggle.
No matter how sad I get.
No matter how badly I desire certain things in my life.
I have to keep trying.
For those that keep trying, they can never fail.
It is only when we stop trying, can we admit to having failed.
I will not fail.
I will rise triumphant.
And I will be as humble as possible when I do.
Thank you.
Amen.
