Last night was strange. Showed up at work to see that the guy across from me (Jesse), made me a huge container of spaghetti. It was really good. Bit of a spice to it and a lot of cheese with red peppers and mushrooms among other morsels of goodness scattered throughout.
What was weird is that I don't really talk to the guy. He sits across from me and the day before we talked spaghetti because I brought in spaghetti from home. Told him about how I made it, and he started going, "I'm making spaghetti!" after the conversation.
So he gave me this big tub of it and I ate maybe half. Took the rest home.
Then, later in the day my co-worker Dave and I had a bit of one-on-one time to talk about stuff. He reveals to me why he was late showing up, and I was surprised to hear what unfolded that he didn't tell anyone else.
Basically, he's a pimp of this one girl who is a dominatrix. He gets 30% of her earnings, and she makes around $800 a day pissing on guys and doing various odd things. I didn't know what to make of it, other than to ask questions to see how it all came about. He knew her for a while and when she lost her job as a safety person, he suggested she become a dominatrix. Which she did.
And... Someone left me a bag of chocolates on the table when I got back for the last break. No one took credit for it.
I also have some people at work who enjoy talking to me even when I don't say very much. Sometimes I don't want to say anything, because I.. well, I have trouble hearing what is being said sometimes and I can't follow the conversation. My smiles and nods and mm hmms seem to be in all the right places and, it baffles me why certain people really take a liking to me when I appear aloof and distant. Not that I want to be, but because its the only way I can be. For now. Until my hearing gets corrected.
It's tough battling it through a long shift. Ten hours. Outside in the cold. Six days a week. On nights. But, I'm doing it. Yesterday didn't start off that well when Fola showed up. I forgot to keep the garage door unlocked and she was mad that she couldn't get in. Which didn't matter, because at 1pm I heard the garage door open and close and went downstairs to let her in. She came inside without a hug or a kiss and was wearing a scowl. Not a great start.
She then comes upstairs to lay with me in bed for a bit. She had two phone conversations at 1:30 and 2:30pm that she said she had to do. Which meant that we didn't have much time to be alone. So as I'm laying in bed with her, her phone vibrates and she starts texting/reading articles as I'm laying next to her.
I got pissed off. That limited amount of time we had, and she decides to play around on her phone?
I ended up pulling away from her and getting dressed to go out. Stopped at the bank to transfer money into my trading account. Went for coffee. Picked up her purse strap and came back home where she was still on the phone.
After packing up my lunch and listening to her talk, I went upstairs to lay in bed. She then comes up shortly after and we had a conversation. I told her that I didn't appreciate her texting in bed and taking our time together for granted. She was able to do all this stuff today and meet with people for lunch and spend time on the phone with two others, when she could have done it earlier, and choose to read articles on her phone while in bed with me.
Fuck, that.
And ignoring my text messages. That's another thing. Told her I didn't appreciate that also.
She... put me in this foul mood from the beginning. Didn't have an ounce of warmth in her. Didn't smile or kiss or hug and immediately distracted herself.
And then at the end, she got mad because I was upset with her for all of that. Claiming that I was being a hypocrite about not making the time between us meaningful. Apparently she thinks that I'm supposed to reverse my moods instantly after the way she dismissed me earlier and occupied herself.
I'm pretty tired of her. She doesn't contribute anything of value in my life. I want a good connection between us, but I can't be doing all the work. I wouldn't glare at her and scowl if I came over to her place and the door was locked. Fola thought I did it intentionally. Which is an absolutely stupid assumption to make. And it didn't matter, either, since I unlocked it within the first minute of her arrival.
Made some money off my APH stock which I bought this morning. 333 shares at 10 bucks and it went to 11.50 or so. Made around $500, which was nice.
Well. Not much time for me to continue with writing. I have to go get ready for work. Two more shifts to go and then my one day off. Not sure if I'm looking forward to being in a crystal bed for 40 minutes and then having to spend time with a chick that takes me for granted and makes me feel like shit.
But, oh well. That's how life is.
I have to focus on other things. Not her.
Fuck her.
She isn't going to change.
My mom called yesterday saying she saw this psychic who told her that Fola was a good person and that we were going to take a trip together, yada yada.
I really bit my tongue at hearing the "good" part. Gina was a good person. That's unmistakeable. Fola? ... She doesn't seem to have much empathy, compassion or love in her. That's what I've observed, and I'm not reaching very far to make that conclusion.
I deserve better. Maybe she'll change, but maybe she won't. So far it seems like she is unconsciously sabotaging our relationship. Ignoring questions/messages in my texts, not taking much of an interest in what I say or do. She is more interested in how I make her feel, than attempting to make me feel good so that I can be motivated to make her feel good. She doesn't seem to understand the value of reciprocity.
You don't show up and scowl at your partner and expect them to wait on you hand and foot and treat you like a princess.
You don't lay in bed with them and pull out a phone to read random articles while they are trying to be affectionate with you.
You don't schedule phone calls knowing that your partner only has a limited amount of time before they have to go to work.
You don't ignore their messages and concerns, unless you want to disrespect and make them feel small and unimportant.
Yeah. I don't like the way she makes me feel.
I deserve better.
I've given her so much. So often, that I was doubly insulted yesterday when she suggested I make an "example" of myself in whenever I want to change the mood of how things are. But all I could think was that I've been setting an example from nearly the day we met. I would always try and greet her with a smile, a kiss and a hug; and it still hasn't rubbed off on her.
Fuck that.
Tired, so tired.
I have to get ready for work.
Hope my night goes well.
Guide me... great spirit. Guide me.
