Hello blog,
Yesterday marked the ending of seven consecutive days of seeing Fola. Yup. One entire week of seeing her every day was a milestone in our relationship and so many things have happened.
Last time I saw her was on Wednesday. We met at Hermitage park and went for a walk with her sister Sade and her daughter Ivy.
It was so much fun. At the end, as I was driving to work, I realized how much I badly want a family. Just this tightly knit group of beings that I am surrounded by and can interact with in a positive and loving manner is something I am deeply craving in my life.
I suppose I would have to admit to being lonely, for wanting something like that. I guess I am.
Just joking with Sade and Ivy was a treat. I felt like I was at my best as we walked around. We tried throwing a boomerang I had, and that failed miserably as it didn't even curve in the air and had zero chance of returning back to where it was first thrown.
I bought along a loaf of old bread and fed the birds. It was hilarious seeing how Sade was so creeped out by them. I had to toss slices of bread in her direction to get the geeses to move towards her. This amused me greatly.
Still, though. Seven days and that was just one. I think the highlights are one of two things. The first was when Fola and I smoked up one evening, and I.. felt so comfortable. At ease. Intelligent. Aware. Charismatic. Present. She then looked at me with awe in her eyes and said, "I feel like you are very powerful right now" and I modestly brushed it off, but inwardly glowed with the compliment.
I suppose I am powerful. I have that in me, even on days when it feels like I am anything but. Just because one day I am alone, feeling unloved and working a job I dislike; doesn't mean I don't have that power within me. It's there. It's dormant, but it is still there.
Fola... (sighs) she really knows how to get under my skin sometimes. It was bad enough that she spent three hours at a strange guy's house a few weeks ago and then comes to my house at 1:30am to fuck me while I am crying, even though earlier I felt so neglected and unloved that I took a night off work. But she didn't care. She smiled at me as weak tears rolled down my cheeks.
So we discussed this, and I gave her shit for going to Cody's house. It didn't help that she told me she felt like she could have been drugged while here. Fuck, man. How can she not see the grief that she causes me? I told her I was in a sad mood. I told her I took the night off, and still, she texted me saying she'll "leave me alone" (to sort myself out) while she goes to this guy's house for three hours and comes to me after saying she might have been drugged and that he was "kind of a player".
Yesterday, she, Sade and this other girl went to Remedy cafe with Cody and she texted me a picture of him smiling at the table. Good looking guy. "Kind of a player". But of course, Fola tells me that I have nothing to worry about.
She is terrible at reassuring me. Awful, actually. No empathy or compassion, really. No.. sympathy, hardly. Just the fact that she went to his house when I needed her at my side; says everything about who she is and where her priorities lie. I hate it. I know she..
I don't want to admit it almost.
I know she isn't the type of woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I mean, she can be. She could be. But...
Will she be?
I keep thinking about whether or not she is "worthy" enough for me to introduce to my mother. That's my general rule of thumb in gauging the quality of my relationship if I feel comfortable and proud enough of who I am with, that I would want them to meet the woman who gave birth to me, and I find with Fola, that I don't want to introduce her to my mom. I don't think she is anyone I can be proud of. Honestly speaking, and this troubles me.
She can be someone I can be proud of. She can be the woman I deserve, but maybe she already is. Maybe she is molding and prepping me for someone better.
Hard to believe of course, because I know Fola is my soulmate. Or twin flame. I just feel it.
But what if she doesn't.. change? I mean, she kind of has changed quite a bit since we first met, but I'm still seeing episodes of her acting irrational and selfish and changing her views from one day to the next. Although to be fair, lately this hasn't been much of an issue, so maybe it's stabilizing.
Second highlight of our week together, was us going to Slave Lake. Two and a half hour drive. No real reason to be going there, other than Fola feeling "convinced" by signs that Slave Lake was going to have something important happen there. Or eventually will be, since she was considering the idea of moving there and starting a holistic spiritual practice/retreat kind of thing.
Getting there, I felt the urge to visit a consignment store that was on the side of main street, but it was closed. Next to it, was a headshop, however, and although Fola peeked inside; she wasn't going to go in until I persauded her to.
Everything was 50% off, and the girl working there was super friendly to us.
She said I had a "cool" accent, and she soon started spilling the beans about what she was dealing with in her life.
I find it so interesting that whenever Fola and I are out in public and talking to people; we have this kind of magnetism around us. People are drawn to us. They open up more easily. There is such a fluidity and grace to our interactions with others, that I am convinced we could do great things if e opened up a healing practise of some kind.
The girl gave us a brochure that listed out a bunch of edibles that can be delivered straight to your home. I thought this was pretty amazing. Cookies, brownies, tinctures, etc. It's called "Ed's Meds" and I was shocked at how much thc-related stuff was available, and how easily delivered they would be.
Fola and I also smoked pot for three days in a row, with varying effects. Some interesting things have happened (including the "you're powerful" quote) which I will share later on in this post.
So, after the headshop, we went to the lake. It was cloudy, slightly cool, but still warm. Windy, also, and there were waves that lapped on the shore which made us feel like we were standing next to an ocean.
We found a long long, and sat there for three hours. Just talking. Sitting next to each other. Listening to the waves. Went for a swim in our underwear.
It was.. (sighs) glorious. I loved it. I LOVED IT.
I wanted to sleep on the beach that night, but Fola was concerned about how cold it would be overnight. There was a makeshift shelter nearby, and hardly anyone was around; so I think we could have pulled it off. I did have two blankets we could have used, but maybe it would've been too cold.
So, we got a hotel room instead. With a jacuzzi. Went outside and smoked a joint, and came back in to finish off our evening.
And that is when things got a bit weird.
It started as I suggested we listened to Bob Marley before getting into the jacuzzi. "Stir It Up" was playing through my bluetooth speaker, and I felt this swelling in my chest. This goddamn beautiful feeling that pot helped enable as the music poured itself into my heart.
We got into the jacuzzi, and...
It felt like I was in there with a demon.
The way she smiled and carried herself, and when her hand touched mine and I looked down at it; noticing how white my skin was, and how dark hers was... It just.. something clicked inside, and it felt wrong somehow.
Wrong, and right at the same time.
Once I had this thought enter my head, I felt a distance develop between us. Emotionally. We attempted to have sex, but I couldn't get excited. She later said, "we suck at having sex tonight" and rolled over to fall asleep. No reassurances. No consolatory kisses. Or embraces. Or cuddling.
Just rolled over and went to sleep.
Fuck, man.
Stuff like that makes me wonder. I had Trina do a card reading for me about a month ago which described me as "bound" and that I'm suffering from sadness.
It seemed prophetic and true enough.
For the last two sessions with Trina, she kept telling me about a "blond" woman who is to enter my life. Someone with a good heart and a strong sense of self. A confident woman, who may have her own business, and has a father figure that is stubborn and pervasive in her life.
(sighs) I don't know man.. Maybe that's the girl I'm meant for.
I keep.. waffling. I want... I want Fola in my life. But she is not enthusiastic about the idea of moving in with me, despite her complaining often about how she can't live with her sister and that she can't afford to live elsewhere, and that she may be moving back in with her husband.
Yeah.. So.. what does that tell you?
I know I am worthy. I am a good person, and her.. .She... She is so... opposite. Complementary.
There was a moment in bed when I joked at how cold she was, and how warm I was. Calling myself "fire" and her "ice". She nodded in her head in agreement.
Perhaps thats what it is. Maybe that is why we get along so well together. We each have something that the other lacks. But.. Maybe.. That is how it has to be. Maybe that's the best type of relationship for me right now. To be challenged by a headstrong, selfish, cold woman so that I can progress past, and develop a stronger sense of self. She really does challenge me. She's a tester.
And who tested Jesus back in the day?
Yeah, him.
So you can see why I thought of her as a demon.
Or maybe I still sort of do.
Hmm. I think the point of all this, is to always hold onto myself. My values, my principles, my beliefs, my goodness, my vision for the future. That part in particular, is most important. Fola said a few days ago that we are too "engrossed" in each other, and I can't disagree with her. Not after spending seven days in a row seeing her. She consumes my thoughts and my time, and I haven't written much on this blog or my other one.
Never mind the book I want to write. That's another thing I've been neglecting.
So in thinking about all this at work, I keep feeling like I really want to help people. I want to somehow make a difference in the mental well-being of others. Their spiritual well-being also, perhaps their physical side also.
How can I achieve that? Well.. I'm thinking of getting into Reiki. To learn about it, so that maybe I can put these techniques to use. I feel like I am a natural healer, for some reason. There is an energy that courses through me that seems to have an effect on people. There was a night when I touched my finger on Fola's forehead, and she said she was really feeling something flow through her. I felt that too.
I don't know. I'm going to have to look into this further. But I do want to help people. I love people. I love making a positive difference or contribution to their lives.
I want to make that my life. Even if I stop writing altogether. I.. can't see how I can make money writing because my best material is .. personal stuff like this. My thoughts on my personal life. That's what I most enjoy reading, and I am hyper-critical and such a perfectionist that writing a novel becomes a chore and a goal that is difficult to achieve.
(sighs)
Wrote quite a bit today in you, my blog. I should probably wrap this up and get to doing other stuff. Four days off work means I can get a lot of things done. I have to start doing them. Already laundry is being done. Dishes are soaking in the sink. A blog post is being written. So far, so good.
I'm supposed to see Michelle this weekend. Fola found out about her and got pissed, which I feel was a hypocritical reaction on her part. I'm going to be honest with Michelle, and try to tell her about what I am going through and that I don't feel like being in an intimate relationship with her. She is such a good person. She really likes me, and so this makes it hard.
But, I have to be honest. With her, with Fola and with myself.
It's all I can do. It's all I should be doing.
Tathata.
Suchness.
Let things be.
