Terrible dream this morning. Only snatches of it remain, but the important bits still stand out.
Foreign country by an ocean somewhere. I'm with Fola, and we were hiding from someone. Felt like we were going to be captured.
At some point, she was captured, and I went off to look for her. Found her in a rundown building on the second floor, naked in bed with a guy who was sleeping when I entered. I remembered a kind of sun tattoo on his right shoulder/arm, and I remembered the look that Fola gave me as I discovered her.
It wasn't surprise that I saw in her eyes, but something that was worse. A kind of... "this is who I am" look, and I immediately got the sense that she was whoring herself out. Not just to this one guy, but others. Her being captured didn't manifest itself on her face. It was like she accepted her situation. Possibly enjoying it, and looked at me with eyes of shamed betrayal as I gazed into hers.
It was the look that said, "I feel guilty for telling you that I love you, because obviously I don't. I know who I am, and now you do too."
A whore.
(sighs)
The dream dissipated after that. I remembered being in a mall after having "rescued" her, and that was that.
Prescient timing, actually, because despite Fola telling me yesterday about how she isn't getting enough sleep, she then tells me she's invited to a party by some guy she barely knows. And worse, that she was thinking about going.
Despite her having said she will be seeing me tomorrow night after she's done work at 11pm. I asked if she mentioned me at all in the conversation, and she glossed over that question like it wasn't worth responding towards. Then sent me a photo of herself, like it was some kind of consolation prize.
Ignored a bunch of my questions. Didn't reassure me much. Sure, she said she loves me, but boy, I am really not feeling it. And earlier in the day, she was expressing insecurity about the possibility that I would meet a gal who was good at writing and somehow will abandon Fola for her.
Next level hypocrisy.
It sounds like she would rather be at this party than with me. Had I been her, I would have declined the invitation saying I was going to be working late, and that I had plans to meet my girlfriend. But, should I change my mind, would I be able to bring her?
She hasn't said that. I wasn't mentioned at all.
Feeling pretty unloved right now, and that dream I had isn't helping me one bit.
Maybe I really am the frog ferrying a scorpion across a river on my back, even though it promised not to sting me.
Once I land on the other side, it certainly will, and when I ask it why it did that, the scorpion is going to tell me this:
"it's in my nature. You know what I am."
I suffer. Boy, do I suffer, and I am growing stronger. I am tolerating it well. Fola..
Fola is a tester.
She does a terrible job of reassuring me. Going off to meet strange men, and making me feel like I'm less of a priority than they are.
She's proven this to be true, enough times already, that I should be taking the hint and swallow down the truth.
She does not actually love me, but she loves the way I make her feel. She loves to use me.
She's the scorpion.
I'm the frog.
And...
I haven't found a solution to this yet.
So, until it arrives, I'm going to keep my dignity and self respect. I am not going to close my eyes.
The love I seek is out there, waiting for me. Could it come from Fola, it could.
But I also have to be prepared to accept that it may not. No matter how much she leads me to believe otherwise.
Her actions speak volumes about how she truly feels.
And I don't care for that kind of thing in my life.
I deserve better, and she knows it.
I know it too.
That's why I continue to believe.
And keep faith.
Because love is coming for me.
And it will be worth the wait :)
