Can't figure out where to start since I haven't been home for most of it either.
I had two days off from work, first day, I went out on a date with Andee to my first ever burlesque show at the Fringe. It was so much fun. I loved it. It wasn't as sensual as I expected it to be, but more cheesy and clunky in a charming kind of way. The theme of the show was famous Canadian women, and when the host would read off an example of a famous lady, a woman or a group of women would come onto the stage and act out their tribute in burlesque form. For instance, first female astronaut = an astronaut dancer. Female mounties = mounties. Sailors, sailors. The sailors one was my personal favorite since it was done with such cheese and such... playfulness and joy that I couldn't help but laugh instead of cat calling like most people were doing. The music and the moves were perfectly in sync, and because it was all live and somewhat amateur; it made the whole spectacle this delicious kind of charming dessert for my eyes and soul.
After the show ended, we walked for a bit and went to Dadee-o's for a bite. Never been there before, and the food was all spicy as hell. We stayed past closing time and were the last ones there, and then went to another place I haven't been, called a "Beercade" where it was this pub with a bunch of craft beers and arcade games. We spent a half hour playing House of the Dead.
After that, I walked her to her car and she gave me a ride back to my own. Andee was nice. Laughed at all my jokes, but I didn't feel much for her. She gave me a double hug as we parted, and I knew she was interested in seeing me again, which gave me an appreciated lift after all I've been through with Fola lately.
Speaking of which, prior to going to meet Andee; I was in my driveway texting her that I was about to leave, when suddenly I saw a person walk past up my front steps. It was her. Fola, and she came by to return my coffee cup, which contained a letter, some money she owed me; and she asked for her chakra stones back.
We talked outside for a bit, and... (sighs) the pull was strong. I wanted to meld with her. Smother her with kisses, hug and touch and smile and put my penis inside of her. Repeatedly.
But, she was sick with a cold and wasn't in the mood for much of all that.
After our talk, she suggested we sit on my couch and listened to a Portishead record. It was good. So good. I really missed having her next to me and feeling this sense of complete comfort and... familarity.. and she even touched me a few times without my having to do so. At one point she looked at me and said, "I am so much in love with you right now."
I told her that I loved her too.
(sighs)
Had to cut that off early because I needed to leave for my date; and she gave me this awkward farewell and left. I didn't open my coffee cup to see what she wrote me in her letter, and off I went.
So, after with Anddee (still not sure if I'm spelling it correctly. Her actual name is Andrea) I went to Jan's 2-acre lot and sat around to look at the stars. Pretty sure I saw the ISS go by, and there were two other odd moving objects high up in the sky that I couldn't identify. Weren't planes, so.. I hesitate to call them aliens, but they were probably aliens.
Went to bed at around 2am in this dilapidated van here, and it was cold. Didn't bring enough blankets, but I managed to sleep regardless.
Woke up at 7am, and began driving the 45 minutes back to the city. Stopped for a coffee near Fola's old house, and contemplated my next move.
It was solar eclipse day, so I kept a watch on the sun but didn't manage to see anything.
Decided I would go to Goodwill, and found myself a sweet pair of brown leather shoes for 20 bucks. Definitely a nice find.
After Goodwill, I again contemplated my next move and texted Michelle asking if she wanted to go for lunch today. She did. So I went over to take her to the Sicilian Pasta Kitchen near her house and had some delicious foods there.
We talked about Fola again, and how clever she was for only bringing me 50$ out of the 500$ or so that she owes me, because now this means she gets to have a reason to visit and see me. Interesting how she didn't do an email money transfer like she once did before, so obviously paying in cash was a deliberate move on her part.
She also messaged me earlier in the day asking me if I wanted to go for a walk. (sighs) I really thought we were *over* over by this point, but I couldn't resist her invite. Not like I was doing anything else after lunch anyways.
So, after playing with Michelle's dog for a bit, I went to Forest Heights to meet Fola. She showed up, no hug, no kiss, no touching even during the entire time we were together; and when we sat on a bench to talk about stuff, I could see why I was getting so frustrated with her.
She had to Google "love" to tell me what it "means" and where I would once get this knee-jerk reaction to be offended by the gesture; I took it with more patience and understanding than I was normally capable of giving in this situation. I tried to explain to her what I thought love was, and what it involves and made the comparison of her being in grade "five" while people like Michelle and I are in grade "twelve" and that Fola would eventually come around to understanding what love really is as long as she continues to work towards it. Didn't have an effect on her. Didn't change her opinion. She stubbornly refused to admit that I could be right and that she was wrong. Even when I brought up the point that a dog doesn't fit the Google searched definition of what "love" is intended to be.
There's something wrong when someone has to Google words like "love" and "empathy" whenever they are asked what these emotions mean to them. Fola couldn't explain either, but was quick to say that she is capable of love and considers herself to have empathy.
I really disagreed with her on that, but I let it pass. Wasn't going to be banging my head against the wall trying to knock some sense into her. I've already decided that she would have to learn such things for herself, and that my words are only going to sink into her subconscious for now, until a time later when she begins to agree with them and acts them out. I know this will happen because I've seen it before. We'll have a big argument about something, and eventually her false opinion or whatever she was using as a weapon in our argument, is going to be discarded away for something else. She's learning. Slowly, but surely, I suppose.
We went to Remedy after our walk, where she smiled and reminded me that this is where we first met. I joked with her saying that if I were to propose to her, it will be in here. "IF" I decide to propose; I empathisized, since I still don't think she is the kind of woman I would want for a wife. At least not in the shape she is in at the moment. Still lots of growing needed, there.
As we sat outside eating and enjoying chai teas; I began to notice how uplifted Fola was. Her eyes were bright and shining, and I made the connection that I really was a kind of energy reseviour for her. She was a type of energy vampire. Except, I didn't feel drained. I felt more used than anything.
When I thought about how after our meeting she was going to go to this Shaman open-house that I expressed interest in last week; I realized that she did not think to invite me along. I also realized at this same moment, that I wasn't being touched by her. Or appreciated, seemingly. There was no.. none of the affection that I needed from someone who claims to love me.
So, I felt used, and my eyes.. which were bright and open and feeding her; just kind of.. darkened, somewhat. It was noticeable, so much so that she looked at me differently and asked what was wrong.
I had to tell her it was nothing. Because I knew better than to start another argument about how thoughtless, inconsiderate and unaffectionate she was.
I already know that she is not going to change overnight. Or to seriously consider my words without becoming defensive and making excuses.
She asked what I was doing later that evening, and I said I was probably going to go home. But, as I sat in my car near Remedy, I answered a text from Andee, and told her I was bored and she jokingly suggested I get her a chai tea.
So, I did. I went to her place, we went for a walk by the river valley, and I told her about my ex and she told me about other things, while being constantly attacked by mosquitos; who for some reason, didn't seem all that interested in snacking on me. Funny how that works. My stepdad gets attacked as well at work, but I don't. Very strange.
Andee then suggested we hang out on her deck for a bit, and I vaped and smoked and talked. I still didn't feel much of a connection with this girl. She was a strong, independent spirit; and, I don't know.. I didn't put any moves on her.
After our conversation, and when I expected to leave for home at around 11pm; I was surprised when she asked if I wanted to stay in and watch a movie with her. This was odd, because she was telling me earlier how she can't stay up past midnight and that she was an early bird, etc. Apparently she can count on the fingers of one hand how many times she stayed up late.
So, this night was going to be a rare exception of her staying up late.
We watched The Pyramid, which was really lame, because we both were able to predict all the events in the movie before they happened. Most of them, anyways, with an 80% success rate. This was amusing to both of us, as the main monster was revealed to be Anubis just as I predicted near the beginning of the film. She was able to predict certain other things as well.
I started falling asleep, and she cuddled next to me on the couch. She put another movie on and again, I struggled with keeping my eyes open. Strange, since I work night shift and was planning on staying up late anyways.
She was wide awake the whole time. Even at 2am as I laid in bed with her, she was constantly waking up.
I've got some crazy ass energy within myself I guess. It's contagious. Even when I'm tired, people seem to pick up on it.
And.. well.. this post is long enough, so I'll just...end it by saying she ... and I had sex in the morning.
She intitated it, I think.
I di.. I didn't enjoy it much. Honestly. I miss.. my soulmate or whatever she is.
My dark twin flame. My false twin.
The connection .. the sex just wasn't the same. Andee.. I didn't enjoy kissing her. Her lips felt weird to me.
But she did have warmth about her. She was... vibrant and alive.
(sighs)
We struggled with finding a condom, because I wasn't expecting to have sex, I didn't bring any, and she said she was sure that she had a condom around somewhere.
Eventually she found it and we did it.
(sighs, again)
Yeah.. I've learned a lesson here. Don't sleep with people you don't have good physical or intellectual or emotional chemistry with. I mean, Andee was.. easy to get along with, but.. it wasn't exceptional. Our connection wasn't good enough for me to be excited about sex. I just did it because she wanted me to.
And boy, did she want me to. I couldn't believe how.. uhm.. yeah, I'll stop now. I need to get ready for work. Clean out my car. Make lunch. Take a shower.
Get back to life.
Ralph Smart posted a prescient video today entitled, "How to get over someone you truly love (but aren't meant to be with)" ... Fola "liked" it, just as I expected her to when I checked her YouTube profile. Watching the video, I knew it was meant more for me than it was for her. Although there was a part in the video about asking yourself if you did enough to salvage/maintain a relationship, and I knew Fola would be asking herself that question. Or at least I hope she will asked herself that question, because she certainly did not do enough to keep me happy. Just the barest mininum. If even that.
I hope she will learn.
Managed to read the letter she gave me, and .. well.. I'm going to just post a picture of the back of it. You'll like what it says.
Three of Swords.
She drew the Three of Swords for me.
That about sums it up. I thought I should send her my blog post referencing the Three of Swords, but thought against it.
This is my journey, not hers.
She can figure herself out on her own.
I am going to continue moving forward.
On the path that God has placed me upon.
And I will do my best not to stray.
Because now I know the truth of things. To live in truth is the highest honor one can give to anyone. To yourself, to strangers, to family, friends...
To God.
Living an honest life, and being honest to others in a gentle, respectful way; is living in Truth.
I am the way.
I am the Truth.
And I will do my best to cherish this gift. Even if I am lonely, and in a job that I do not like and unsure of my purpose and where I am going.
The Truth is all that matters.
The light inside of me shall continue to shine.
And the right people will be drawn to it.
And good things will come.
... I know.
