It's true. All of it. The spiritual stuff is true, reincarnation is real, past lives exist.
We have been here before many times, and there is a creative intelligence, a loving force behind all of it.
I just felt a surge of love threaten to put a tear in my eye as I wrote that.
On Monday night at work, the same day I last texted Fola telling her that I cannot be with someone who does not love me, or could love any children we would have together; I felt this clear, sharp energy flow through me. My shift at work went by unusually fast as I became absorbed in my work without pausing much for thought.
And yesterday, it kind of became the opposite. At around midnight I could feel this... these sensations around my ears. I can't really describe it, but it has happened a few times before. Because it doesn't seem t happen whenever I am with Fola, and because we have on more than one occassion "telepathically" linked with each other in terms of feelings/sensations; I knew it had to be her. Thinking of me, or sending me Reiki, or something where I was a product of her consciousness at the time.
That feeling started at around 11pm I think, and went on for.. hmm.. maybe 1am? Fola would have gotten off of work around then, and went to sleep around then. Assuming she was working that day.
Those sensations were followed by sleepiness. I started feeling extremely tired, completely different than the day before. And I.. was thinking that...
Well, I was reaffirming.. No. I was reminding myself that I broke up with her for all the right reasons.
She is not a good person. She was not a good girlfriend. Not a good mother. And no amount of faith in the world can make her into one, unless she wants to be.
And I don't think she wants to be. She reveres Aleister Crowley after all. The Wickedest Man in the World, as he was called during his life.
As I kept thinking about her throughout the night, I began to think about this article here:
http://twinflameconnection.com/twin-flame/identifying-the-false-twin-flame.html
The most important summation of that article, is that Fola was a false Twin Flame who is intended to prepare me for my true Twin Flame to come, and that she was latching onto me. Like a vampire, to feed off of my energy.
Almost everything in that article really resonated with me. I was being used by this woman. Manipulated. She didn't actually love me, even though she said she did. It was all crumbs. All teases.
All she wanted was my energy. My love. My wisdom. My spirit.
Evil truly does exist.
She did not give me any of the things that I gave her.
She wanted to enslave me. Make me into a puppy. Or puppet.
I did the right thing, but I kept thinking last night.. Kept reminding myself of all the moments we've shared that pointed to evidence suggesting that she was incapable of loving another human being, even when love was staring her right in the face, inviting her to come in.
No matter how many synchronicites we've both shared; Fola kept wanting more and more. She didn't take the signs seriously. She didn't put in the work and respect the connection we had. She kept dismissing my feelings and hurting me in the process.
Fucking me with a smile on her face as I cried at 1:30am after she came from hanging out with Cody for three hours.
The same woman who messaged Cody and described me as the "guy she's seeing" rather than her soulmate, her twin flame or even her boyfriend.
The scorpion versus the frog. Such an apt parable. I believe in the transformative power of love.
I still believe in it, but some people.. For some, love is not enough.
That is what my ex, Lauren, once said to me years ago when we were about to break up for the 4th time and she talked about how I wasn't good enough for her.
"Sometimes love isn't enough." she said, with a straight face.
No, Lauren. No, Fola.
LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Love is all we need.
Love should be all that we want.
When it presents itself, the face of divinity smiles upon the relationship. It is there watching and governing our every move and action. It is all that matters. It is the bright sun shining upon our souls, renewing and uplifting us.
Not depleting and bringing someone down.
Despite my knowing all this I still keep on justifying my breakup with Fola. I keep accessing the memories of all that we've done, to find further proof that I have done the right thing. I need to make sure. To really know that I should be giving up on her.
And to know that I am a good person.
And that she is not able to become one.
Fola.. is.. so.. obssessed with the accumulation of personal power, that it makes me sick to think that it is the sole focus of her life. Rituals, magic, law of attraction, spells... All that stuff is what she is interested in, but not enlightened enough to understand or to use properly. Or enlightened enough to know that there are more important things to be asking and working towards than a land rover or having lots of money.
There are more important things than material possessions in this materialistic world. I had thought that my love for her would cause her to realize this, but it had not.
It was simply not important enough for her to change her focus. To really try at becoming someone worthy of love and someone able to reciprocate and cherish it.
Not a woman I would want to raise my children, thats for sure.
So.. There is a God out there. At the very least, soulmates/twin flames do exist. Which means that the spiritual realm does exist also. That there is life after death and consciousness goes on. It does not perish.
She is a false twin flame.
But, man.. I wonder.. if my true twin flame is out there. I mean, she has to be, right? But at the same time, I'm wondering..
I'm just wondering.
When can I see her? When can we be together?
Will we have the same taste in music?
Will we connect as instantaneously as I did with Fola?
Will the sex we have be as good or better?
Is she young enough for me to have children with? Will she have children of her own?
Will I be meeting her on a dating site, or in person?
I don't know.
I want to know. though.
I want to see her. To be with her. To smell her. To feel her next to me.
To tell her about this terrible time, and that...
The journey has been worth every step.
And that I would gladly endure it all again to be with her.
(sighs)
What a life this is.
We're supposed to each be learning a lesson, Fola and I, and I'm a little unclear as to what I ended up learning. Other than that love cannot transform someone who resists it. Who does not step into its light. Who mimics love, rather than genuinely gives it.
I've learned to respect myself more, knowing that I deserve better, especially after I've given someone my everything. If my everything is not good enough, if the love that I truly feel is not good enough; then I must move on and find someone who does think its good enough.
More than enough.
That is the way it needs to be.
The only way it has to be.
I will not consent to becoming someone's slave. I will not be tossing pearls before swine.
Although I have done both with Fola. Thankfully, I got out just in time.
I think.
I couldn't have ended things any better. She can reflect upon all that we've gone through as I continue on my journey as will she.
There is a God.
There is a light.
And I will continue to move towards it.
As best as I can.
