I got to see her true colors. Where to start...
(sighs)
She's a narcissist alright. She's incapable of empathy and incapable of expressing or reciprocating genuine love towards another human being. Which in this case, means me.
It also means her daughter.
We had a tough past couple of days. She came over last night to talk, and it was ugly. She offered no reassurance to me. No sympathy. No attempt at compromising or consolation.
When I asked her if she could even love someone, she said yes, and used her daughter Ivy as an example.
Well... She has said on more than one occasion that she feels unfit to raise her own daughter. In fact, she wants her husband Larry to take full custody of her and she will get to see Ivy every second weekend.
Every second weekend. This is the mother we are talking about here. Not the dad.
The one who gave birth to this child. Wants to see her every second weekend.
And that's her example of her being able to love someone.
Fuck, man.
She is dark.
So fucking dark.
Turns out this Cody "friend" of hers is someone she's infatuated with, but not all the way. Kind of a holding pattern sort of thing. I read the messages they've exchanged, and it wasn't pleasant. I was referred to as "this guy I'm seeing" who is "temperamental" because I didn't like how she hung out at his house when I needed her most. Just to have her come by at 1:30am afterwards to fuck me with a smile on my face as I cried. Not even asking why.
And she called Michelle a "dummy".
This woman..
Well its over. I am having a hard time getting the words out. She is definitely the scorpion and I am the frog, and there is no solution in correcting a narccisist who has little desire to put others needs first before her own.
To make compromises. I suggested that because she was jealous of Michelle, and that I wasn't liking her relationship with Cody, the player, I offered to stop seeing Michelle if she would stop seeing Cody. I reasoned that when we each sacrifice something, the relationship becomes more meaningful and trust is more easily established when such a gesture has been made. But what did Fola say? "It's not going to solve anything:.
So, no compromises. She is still going to keep on seeing that guy. And other guys, in the future.
Most important thing that happened to me yesterday was seeing Trina for a tarot reading.
I pulled the three of swords. That one was important.
Trina did an inadequate job of explaining what that card meant to me, so I had to look it up myself.
Love: In the context of love this card does not have to be the death knell of a relationship, but it does almost always point to relationship difficulty and pain. In order for the relationship to survive, both parties must be willing to work on and talk about the relationship. You may find that someone you thought cared about you is not as loving as you had supposed. Do not take this too personally or dwell too long on the pain, if that is the case. You are being guided to the relationship that is right for you. You cannot force something to be right or someone to care if they do not. The right person will care - of their own accord - without you doing intense contortions, so to speak, to make it happen.
I believe this. Oh God, do I believe this. I cannot dwell on the pain, I do know she is not as loving as she claims to be. I will not take this personally. I will try and believe that the right relationship is coming my way. Hopefully as soon as possible.
Introduction: Regardless of the way that the 3 of Swords card is depicted in most Tarot decks (a heart with Swords going through it,) know that it is not all bad. Although there is an element of sorrow that is undeniable when this card appears, what lies on the other side of this sorrow can be enhanced understanding and joy. Allow yourself to fully experience any sorrow or pain that comes up now, so that you can move beyond it.
General: In general, this card can point to very deep emotional issues that must be addressed before the querent can move on. Denying pain does not make it go away (any more than denying a broken leg makes it heal.) However, attention must be paid to balance here also as it must be paid with the 2 of Swords. Allow yourself to experience any pain that comes up now, but do not wallow in it. You do not and should not wallow in grief or sorrow for long. However only you can decide how long is long enough. Others can't decide it for you.
Yes. That is important. I will not deny my pain, and I will try to let it pass through me as quickly as I am able to. Holding onto it is not going to do me any good.
I realize how superstituous this is all making me sound, but it gets better. Other cards in the reading, once again brought up the Emperess (Trina claims it is a blond fair-skinned woman that I will be in a relationship with), and I also picked up the High Priestess card which indicates that I will be taking a class. Likely Reiki, which is what I have discussed earlier in the blog.
Another card that I can't remember which, described how my back was turned to work and that I didn't like my job. True as well.
Should have taken a picture of this spread, but I completely forgot my phone at home and couldn't do it.
Well.. Now for the interesting part. Trina feels strongly that I have psychic ability and that I would be a great healer. I'm not sure about either of those things, and I express a healthy bit of skepticism in regards to these claims. But, how can you deny psychic ability when the reading was over and I felt this sudden compulsion to pick up the Tarot deck, riffle through them and select a single card.
Guess which card it was?
That one.
Trina laughed. She was witnessing another example of how I manage to pull the right card at the right time. The last time I riffled through the deck to select a single card, was when I predicted Rose Quartz and it came up out of over 50 different ones.
I guess there is something up there watching over me. Engineering things. Teaching me things. Guiding me to places and people.
I believe it, but I don't understand it. Higher self? God? Angels? Buddha? Jesus?
Heck if I know, but I do know that I deserve better in a relationship. Fola.. was perfect in every way, except for being an evil as fuck narccisist who doesn't take responsibility for her actions, or understand how they affect me until I explain them to her.
And even then, she rarely apologizes. Even when she does, she certainly does not try to make amends or put forth any special effort in making me feel loved and appreciated and wanted.
The conversation we had yesterday really went nowhere. She had an excuse for everything, and when she couldn't come up with a rebuttal, she would point the finger at me and say that I need to be introspective and examine my insecurities.
To her credit, she did make the fine observation that we both need time apart to dig deep within ourselves so that we can achieve our soul's purpose. I can agree with that.
But... can she love me after this period passes? No. A narcissist cannot change so easily. And she has expressed little desire in changing, so this is impossible.
Trina argued with me that Fola is fucked. That people like her have no chance at reforming themselves. I argued otherwise. I said I felt love was transformative. That each of our arguments was a battle that had to be fought where we would establish boundaries. Some battles are lost, others are won and ultimately it is the effort put in, the love given, that can help me win the war.
But, after last night I realized that I cannot force her to desire to change. She has to do that herself. And the odds are highly stacked against her.
She wants her daughter every other weekend, and tells me with a straight face that she loves her. Even though I've seen how she interacts with Ivy in public. I don't see much love there. Don't think I've ever seen her kiss her daughter, or hug her.
Much less smile at her with beaming pride and love.
Yeah.. that's her example of expressing love to another human being. Her best example is the worst one possible.
I feel so bad for her husband. He must really be going through some shit. I don't know how they managed to stay together for so many years.
There was a moment last night when I felt my soul open up. The conversation was going nowhere, and I just... allowed my heart to flow.
It moved her. I told her about how our relationship mimicked the one I had with Lauren all those years ago, and how Lauren was the same age as Fola back then, and how she also had a two-year old daughter and also made false promises about loving me, making things work, etc. We were broken up like four times already, too.
Fola asked me what I could have done differently, and I was a bit insulted because I couldn't do anything other than to love the woman I was with. That was all I could do, and I'm still doing. But when I thought about it some more, I realized that I should have more self-respect. I should be able to put my foot down and accept that this relationship, no matter how good the chemistry, the sex, the conversations; it all is meaningless when the other person does not truly love you. Or is incapable of doing so.
I am an empath, and narcissists are drawn to me like a fly to honey.
I get it now. They want what they lack.
They want to enslave me. Just as Fola was trying to do. Making me dance under her strings like a puppet, obeying her every command at my expense. Not giving me much of what I need in return.
Few months ago I bought a tshirt that said "slave" on it.
Fola complimented me on how nice it looked when I wore it.
I think that sums it all up.
Michelle has been such a sweet, supportive soul throughout all this. I don't know how it would have turned out if I didn't have her to bounce my thoughts off of. To validate them. I ended up going to her work today to buy a balsamic vinaigrette and to drop off some Timbits with a hug, thanking her for being a bright light in a dark world.
I need to keep myself reminded that there are still good people out there.
I know God exists. Or some kind of intelligence that is interested in furthering my evolution and bringing me closer to the life I deserve and want to have.
I want to do good things for people, and for myself. And to be loved and to love.
As Fola was leaving yesterday, she asked if she could give me a hug. I felt insulted she had to ask, and so I gave her one.
There was something special about it. Pure love was flowing through me and into her. She felt it enough that she started crying.
I cried too.
I tried to break away early, but she wouldn't allow it. Usually she is the one that breaks away first.
She gave me a kiss, and it was wonderous.
She left and I sat on a chair looking off into the distance of the night, feeling my feelings.
Listening to my heart.
I then went upstairs, laid in bed and meditated. Woke up at around 3 and then prayed for help.
The urge came over to me right there and then, to run to my phone and send her a final text.
"Goodbye." was all I said. I wasn't sure if this is what I most wanted to do, but it made the most sense.
I can't keep putting faith into her. I can't keep putting energy into someone that doesn't give any back.
A black hole. A vaccum. A succubus. An energy vampire.
I don't like the idea of having to lose faith in people, but... last night I did. Or at least most of it was lost.
I had booked the 20th and 21st of August to spend with Fola on my uncle's acreage. I was excited about that, and all it took for my excitement to dissipate, was seeing a message from her to Cody asking if he knew of anything that was going on on those dates.
That did it.
For a woman that claims she needs more quiet time and to recharge herself; she seems to have no problem with hanging out at social gatherings and with other men, rather than spending time alone figuring herself and her life out.
Probably not exciting for her. And she claims to be an introvert, which I find absolutely hypocritical and ignorant.
Ignorance is the root of all evil, I truly feel. When we ignore or invalidate the pains of others and do little to redeem ourselves, then we have accepted the seed of evil into our hearts. We accept the separation. We accept cruel and selfish behavior.
She's accepted those things. She is not going to keep any of the promises she made me. About being more loving, forgiving, affectionate, etc. I am just going to be strung along until she finds someone more interesting to be with, because by then, all of my energy will be depleted and there is nothing left to give her.
I am so happy that we ended last night the way we did. She left my house knowing that the love I have for her was authentic. It was the real thing that she most wants to feel and pursue, according to what she used to tell me about wanting to experience and give unconditional love.
So, I gave her that, and sent her on her way.
Final text. Blocked her email and number.
Guess now, I'm going to put my head up and turn myself forward again. To move into the direction that I am intended to go in.
Just like she will be.
Her journey, is not my journey.
And I wish her well.
Even if I no longer believe in her.
Come to me my love. I am waiting. I am willing. I.. I'm almost ready for you. Give me a few days.
And then come.
Please.
I have so much to give you.
And I know our love will be the stuff of legends.
Should God be willing to grant it.
Or whatever else can.
I will wait.
I will keep hope alive.
But I need help to do so. I need more than just dreams. I need something concrete and real.
Perhaps it can only come from inside of me, but perhaps it can come from outside of myself as well.
I will bet on both.
Winning the lottery would solve a lot of things that are wrong in my life. I could quit my job. Pursue Reiki more easily. Travel the world. Get hearing aids.
Afford to buy the life that I need.
Not want.
Need.
(sighs)
I love you Fola.
I love you God.
And I love me.
