I realized at work, that I am a round peg trying to fit inside of a square hole. And I've been doing my trade for twenty years now almost.
It came when I was tasked with metalling out a straight line, and though I got the band spacing right (9 inches), they weren't visually appealing. So much so, that my stepdad remarked "that looks like shit!"
Technically, this would have passed QC, but visually.. I agreed with my stepdad. It did look like shit, and when he said that, I began to..
Well.. Not exactly feel like shit, but something stirred. It was like.. I felt.. kind of like, "I told you so" to whatever it was that was inside of me. Or looking through me. If that makes any sense.
I am.. wasting my potential doing this kind of work for a living. If there is a force of intelligence out there that is compassionate and aware; it would know that this type of job is not suited to the attributes I most like within myself and I.. can't..
Yeah.. I can't do this anymore.
I read during my coffee breaks. I think about intellectual stuff. Philosophical stuff. Religious and spiritual stuff.
I.. talk to my co-workers in a way that no one else at work does. I ask them how they are feeling. If they are tired, if they have a sore back. Did they get enough sleep? How are they holding up?
...
Man.. I am not cut out to be an insulator. I can only pretend for so long. Twenty years, apparently.
There's something that.. prevents me from doing a good job. There are sometimes variables that I unintentionally overlook, like today with the band spacing, and.. it's not that I don't care about the quality of my work; its that I care more about other things, that these other things eclipse the job I am expected to perform to the fullest of my abilities.
Auto-pilot.. That's pretty much.. well..
(sighs)
At around 6:30pm or so, I had this strange urge come over me. I grabbed my phone and started taking selfies. I had this urge to email Fola a picture and tell her I love her. But after taking a couple of photos, I realized how stupid I am. How.. naive.. hopeful..
Whatever I am.
So, I didn't send her that. But for whatever reason, I wrote her a simple one line email that said, "Keep your head up Fola. You're doing awesome."
And there was a smiley face in the subject line.
She later replied with a "huh..." and that was it.
I don't understand why I did that, but I felt strongly that I had to.
Part of what I have been doing lately, is surrendering myself to my fate. I understand now that I am a piece of a puzzle. A pawn or a bishop or whatever it is I actually am, that is being moved to the right location at the right time to perform the right function, no matter how strange or baffling it may be.
Like a pebble being tossed in a pond, the ripples spread out. My decision to impulsively email Fola, is exactly the right thing I needed to do at that time. And I said the right thing also.
I'm a believer now. Today, I pulled out the Tarot deck thinking that I was going to get another 3 of swords on my first pull, but instead, the ten of Pentacles showed up.
Apparently it's a really really good card, and signifies the end of a long journey that has been "well worth enduring" according to this one interpretation I read online.
Around a half hour later, I had the urge to pick up the cards again and pull one more. I made sure to ask for something clear and unambigious.
Well... The Lovers card came up, and one of the interpretations of that one claims that a new "love" is going to appear soon.
So I wrote it down on my chalkboard.
And.. that's that. Now I must wait.
I won't know when or how, but I will know it when it happens.
It'll make sense then.
I suppose I should admit that I am putting a lot of stock into the Tarot and the "signs" I've gotten lately. I don't write down all the synchronicies I've come across, but one that has been significant, was seeing a Range Rover with a bumper sticker on the back that says "strong" as I followed it on my way to work. Fola really wants a Rover, and I am apparently not to be in a relationship with her.
Why? Because the Three of Swords came up three times already, that's why.
Pain. Heartbreak. Betrayal.
And also, there is a new relationship on the horizon.
So yeah.. I'm looking for guidance in the form of the Tarot, now. I believe there is some guiding force behind my actions and my life as of late.
My many years of praying for help, is finally being acknowledged.
Each and every day I try to live with love in my heart. With gratitude. Even a day like today, I am grateful for having. I am learning something new about myself, or about others.
Or life in general.
And.. it really seems like I am being moved along somewhere. And.. that something truly is watching over me.
I am thankful for whatever it is. Perhaps it is my higher self asserting itself. I don't know. But if we are intended to be representations of the image of "God" then it stands to reason that I too, have powers that can be called upon when needed. Maybe not ultimate power, but power nonetheless.
"As above, so below" they say.
God created man in his own image.
And again I must wonder... Is such a thing outside of myself, or within me?
Or both?
Because I do not want to appeal to the wrong thing. I want to ensure I am acknowledging exactly who or what is reponsible for all I have experienced these past six months.
And Fola.. (sighs) Fola really proved to me that there is a spiritual realm, and souls, and reincarnation. And because those things have been proven to me, God obviously should exist as well. Or some form of guiding intelligence that has created order from chaos.
Something that wants to make me happy. Something that desires to serve me.
As I wish to serve it.
When thinking about two of my past lives, I can't help but notice the patterns throughout them and how I have been taking steps to break them. To do things differently this time around.
To listen more. To love more. To be more present and assertive and to know the value of my self-worth and to appreciate hard work, and the people that perform this work. Day in and day out. Rain or shine.
I am right there in the trenches along with my fellow man. I am not royalty this time around. I am a man like anyone else. An unusual one, but a man nonetheless.
And my co-workers appreciate me. Everyone smiles a genuine smile when I engage with them. When I ask Ryan about his kid's 1st birthday and what he ended up doing; he then tells me about hand puppets his kid adores and yada yada.. I know by this point that I really am truly a round peg trying to fit in a square hole.
I am meant for much better things than this. I have learned my lessons. I respect the hierarchy and hard work and the people that struggle to make ends meet.
I've been there. I'm still there.
But no longer.
Because I foresee good things to come. More adventures to be had.
My girl is on her way. In fact, she is already here.
She is already here.
My dog, my wife, my family, my acreage.
They are all here as well.
I just need to make myself worthy of these things. By faith, or by work. Possibly both.
Something up there loves me and wants me to enjoy my time here. It wants to give me what I need and desire. It wants to help me evolve and bring myself closer to whatever it is.
Even if I can't understand the ways it has been operating and influencing my daily life.
All I know is that when I look up at the sun each day, I feel God smiling upon me.
Just as I did those many years ago when I crashed my car into the ditch. The first thing I saw was the sun, and a big smile came over my face because I knew what it really was.
It was life. The creator. The giver of life.
So.. I.. believe. Yes. I believe there is a God and it is just, and merciful and compassionate and loving.
Just like how I try to be.
I was reading about Reiki earlier today and found it interesting that the Reiki principles of not worrying, getting angry and such things; all seem to already be a part of my mental fabric. I have been doing my best to live up to words I have not yet read. To principles that I've honored long before it was put to paper.
So I'm doing everything the right way. At the right times.
No matter how rough things get, I need only remind myself that there is a God and that I have been living a righteous life no matter what gets thrown at me.
It's hard sometimes, like today, but I will be going to bed soon here, and will be thankful in my prayers for the opportunity to learn something new about myself and the world around me.
Today I learned that a professional considers every detail, no matter how insignificant, and that work is part of the hierarchy we must all be a part of. No matter how crappy the job is, it is important for it to be done. Otherwise there would be no reason for such a position to exist.
There would be no reason for earth to exist, had we not established a hierarchical form of being.
In some ways, Fola is a lot more wiser than I am. She seems to put a lot of faith into trusting the universe and letting herself go. So much so, that she is oblivious almost. That's dedication. That's faith.
Unfortunately, it is faith at the expense of what I think truly matters most.
Love. Love enough to want to be of service to others, once you truly love yourself.
From there on, you are doing the Lord's work. To borrow from a pastoral cliche.
Being a good man or woman involves a bit of a struggle each and every day.
That's to be expected, because being "good" is not nearly as easy to achieve as being "bad" would be, and to succumb to the whims of the ego.
It is all about transcendence for me. Evolution. Movement.
No matter if it looks like I'm standing still or not.
I am always moving. Closer and closer to each goal with each rising of the morning sun.
Every day is both a miracle and an opportunity.
Today is no different.
Time to go upstairs and shower.
And to express my thanks to that which has given me life.
No matter how many hardships I endure.
Someone or something IS up there.
And I will do my best to honor whatever this force is, because from what I can tell, it is a benevolent one worthy of being trusted.
Trusted because I know it loves me enough to be sending all those synchronicities my way.
Yeah, God works in mysterious ways alright. The bigger picture always eludes the limits of the imagination.
Just accept that you don't know who you are, where you are going or what you are going to end up being.
And everything will fall into place soon after that.
My girl is here.
The love of my life is soon to meet me.
However way she decides to do it.
Well blog...
Thanks for listening to me and being a candle in a dark room.
I'm grateful you are here.
