Okay blog, time to get (more) serious than usual.
Spent all of my shift today thinking about her. And when I went on coffee break, I kept looking on my phone for articles regarding false twin flames and real twin flames, trying to see if I made a mistake or if I acted correctly.
It took me until now, after thinking about her all of my shift, to know that she was not a good person for me. She could have been, but wasn't.
I kept thinking of examples.
When I once told her I had a fever, she came by to my house without any sympathy whatsoever. In fact, she kept saying "I shouldn't have come here" about three times during her visit. No chicken soup. No "how are you?" no cuddling, nothing to uplift my spirits at a time when I needed it. Just a laugh followed by, "I shouldn't have come here". I remember being quite upset about this that I think I kicked her out. She later excused it by saying she laughs when she's "nervous", whatever the hell that means.
Another time she asked if she could spend the night over at my place. Texted me with a please and a sad emoticon. It sounded serious to me, so I said absolutely, yes! COME STAY OVER! I was excited to see her when I got home from work, laying in my bed. Did that happen? No. She ended up staying at someone else's place, and didn't bother to text me that she changed her mind. I remembered calling her at my first coffee break, and she was in the middle of some group Kabbalah thing where she hurriedly hung up the phone, promising to call me back. She never did. I remembered being worried that something had happened for her to ask to stay over, and I spent three hours of my shift waiting until coffee to find out what it was. She didn't even mention going to this Kabbalah thing, nor did she explain that she wasn't going to stay overnight.
Heh. Those two examples should be enough, but there's more. Lots more.
The false promises of "I intend to give you more love, more attention" as written in her emails and in person. Did she follow up on that? No. Even after our breakups, she would be a bit different with me for a while, and then revert back to her old patterns of not being affectionate or thoughtful or caring or loving. Happened many times, and she was definitely affectionate when we first met, but that's obviously how they hook you in.
The one time she was over and sitting on the couch, and I was stroking her leg. "Am I touching you too much" I asked, unsure if I was being overly affectionate and touchy-feely. "No," she replied, "touch me all you want!" and it was maybe days later, where I start touching her in public and she complained about how she doesn't like PDA and that I was "groping" her.
That email she sent me, "David, I am 99% sure I am monogamous" but the next week in person she recants, and its like that email never happened. The same one with the promises of more love and affection and attention, etc. The next week was, "I hate putting labels on myself" and me having a conversation explaining that monogamous is not a bad label to be wearing. How dumb can she be that I have to explain something like this to her?
Her saying she was an introvert, but constantly goes out meeting people. Introverts need alone time, they are not always socializing. Introverts generate energy from within, they don't take it from others like she has repeatedly demonstrated herself to be doing.
That time she came over at 130am to fuck me after being at Cody's place for three hours, yeah. That smile though. That smile she gave me as I cried, and she pretended like nothing was wrong.
Such a horrific relationship. I can still think of more examples.
The one time we were in bed together and I was dozing off. Under the influence of weed. And Fola was holding her hand over my chest. It was hovering off of it, and I remembered thinking about how uncomfortable and weird it felt. Almost like I could feel something being "pulled" out, as if it was my soul or my essence being removed by her. It creeped me the fuck out that I had to slyly shift positions so she would stop doing that.
You can see by now that this chick is evil. Has to be. But the big question is, why did I love her so much? Was it because I wanted to? Because I felt like I had to? Didn't I really love her? I did, so why.. why so much from me? She did not do anything to earn it. But we do have a strong soul connection, so... I don't know. Past life? Did I wrong her before and... or.. was it something else? I wish I knew the answer to this one. I really loved her like no one else before in my life. She 100% knew that I did, and I think the security and safety that my feelings were giving her, caused her to get overly confident and even more emotionally withdrawn and less affectionate and more reckless with her behavior seeking out men to exchange numbers with and hang out at their homes.
Boils my blood, but I'm noticing that I am handling this quite well, actually. Unlike Gina or Lauren, I am not falling to pieces over losing her. I am presently obsessing over her but that will soon pass. I had to read my last blog post to remind me that my true Twin Flame is out there waiting for me. Either in this life or the next, but I'm pretty sure I will be seeing her in this one.
I will be seeing you soon, my true love. My beloved. My queen. My Isis.
Not this cheap imposter.
This heartless monster that somehow attached itself to me.
This sorry excuse for a human being, who is okay with seeing her infant daughter one weekend every two weeks.
This person who fucks me with a smile on her face as I lay in pain.
This woman who claims she has empathy,and wants to help people and calls herself a "lightworker" on her soon-to-be-released website. The biggest hypocrite there is.
She has no opinions of her own. None. It is like getting blood from a stone when I want to know more about her deeper self. Twin Flames shouldn't have to keep secrets like she did with me. Twin Flames reveal everything about themselves to each other. While I was doing that, she did not, and when it got to the point where I wanted to read her journal, she wouldn't allow me to.
And so, I kept my secrets from her too. She doesn't know everything about me, even if she thinks she does. There are some cards up my sleeve. Stuff that I will share only with my true Twin Flame and not this imitation.
This liar. This hypocrite. This ignorant human being.
She was polyamorous when I met her. That alone should have told me something. A good and kind hearted human being with values and morals would not have considered sleeping with multiple people.
That's not my Twin Flame.
She still owes me money from our trip to Arizona.
Had she truly cared about me, it would already have been paid back.
She would apologize frequently or at intervals, telling me the reasons why she couldn't pay it back. But she hasn't. She doesn't care or respect me enough to do so.
Alright... I'm doing a better job of convincing myself now that she's the wrong one for me. Despite the telepathic link we seem to share.
So what was the point of all this? What was her job and what was mine?
To hurt each other? She did sometimes say she wanted me to "abuse" her, but it was in the context of sex which makes it confusing.
I don't know man, this is an evil entity I've come across. Ignorance is evil, and she is truly ignorant and clueless of how love should function inside of a healthy relationship. She has no idea what either of those things are, or how to achieve them. That's pure ignorance right there. Despite my demonstrating to her exactly how it should be.
I've got to cut these karmic ties with her. Somehow. I need to... either continue ignoring her, or to somehow communicate that I have not been dragged down to her level. Her unevolved/spiritually gimped level.
But.. Should I even do anything? There's no hope for her. I've tried so hard and given her all my love and wisdom and compassion and respect, and kept her on a long leash only for her to disrespect and not reciprocate anything of what I was doing.
So why bother doing anything more?
When I blocked her number and email, I checked the spam folder to see that she says I still have her chakra stones that she wants returned (heh) and a coffee cup I gave her. I had to shake my head at that. Who cares about either of those things? I've given her so many gifts, that when I stopped to think about what I had gotten from her that I could return, absolutely nothing came to mind.
And this is no surprise given that she didn't buy her sister anything for Christmas last year. She just isn't thoughtful enough to get a gift, let alone think of getting a good one.
Yeah, no. False Twin Flame. Wolf in sheep's clothing. Everything was there between us, except mutual love, respect and appreciation.
Those are the most important things.
On my chalkboard, I wrote "God is with me" and I firmly believe He or It is. I just have to try and understand it better. This was a lesson for the both of us. I did not allow my love for someone to chain me to them and to continually allow them to walk all over my feelings. Enough is enough, and I broke up for the last time knowing that.
I gave her the best of who I was, and she did not give me anything even close to what she received.
My Twin Flame would never do that to me. She would try to do her best also. The love between us is mutual and reciprocal. It is eternal and unmistakable.
And she is coming to me. As I type, there are forces in motion that is allowing for this to happen, but I must be patient while this is going on.
It could happen tomorrow, or next year. I don't know when, but it will.
We will be reunited together.
We will be making love with tears in our eyes.
Smiles on our faces.
And when she arrives at my doorstep, our smiles will penetrate into the depths of our souls.
And Fola will be nothing but a memory.
The tester will have failed to achieve its aims.
But, I still have to recover from this. I still need to heal.
I will have to write something on my other blog to announce that I am not broken by this. That I am strong enough and ready enough to endure this period so I can be reunited once more with the one I am truly meant for.
The woman of my dreams. The lady I've blogged about for years, but could never really believe she was out there.
She is.
And she is coming.
My arms are wide open in embrace.
Come to me my love.
Any which way you can.
My light has not been extinguished.
May we blind the world with our own.
