I really need to make writing on this blog more of a priority. So much has happened these past few days that I am worried details are being lost.
Sunday night had me talking with Fola on the phone for two hours and twenty-two minutes. Both of us appreciated and laughed at the synchronicity there.
She was supposed to meet me that evening, but got sidetracked and then said she was tired so she would phone instead. I felt insulted when she said we should meet in public, and more insulted when she said "because I don't know what will happen" when I asked why.
She also said before that she was thinking about doing pot brownies that night, so I offered for her to come over. That's when she said the meeting in public thing. Then she invites me over for pizza with five other people, including Cody, and I turned it down. We weren't in sync with each other after an absence and besides, I ate earlier.
(sighs) where to start, where to start.. so many details.
After our long conversation, I felt really good. My head was shimmering. The effects of it lasted into the next day as well.
I miss those conversations. Where we can talk and talk and talk and both of us are on the same wavelength.
There was a moment when she argued with me that infinity exists, and I explained to her why I don't think that is and she wouldn't agree with my reasoning. Or respect it. I even offered to give her proof that mainstream mathematics is divided on the theory, but she ignored the links I provided.
This is important because it highlights how much of our arguments start. She gets all certain about whatever it is she is arguing, even when I personally know that she is wrong and have the proof to back it up with. I did say that infinity is theoretical, but mainstream science has not proven it. I also supplied a well-reasoned argument as to why I don't think it exists, but she wouldn't engage me in a rational debate. She just kept to her guns, and used some website as "proof" where it stated that a spectrum was infinite.
It's such a small thing, but it can snowball. And I did my best to resist it.
Except for yesterday, when last night she decided to blame me for her inability to be emotionally forthcoming with her thoughts and feelings. She claimed I didn't make her feel secure, and this was an issue that has nothing to do with me. The first breakup we've had, had her not being able to tell me why she was upset with me three times in one week, no matter how hard I was trying to figure it out for her, since she didn't know. All she said was, "I don't know" with a smile on her face as I kept trying to understand the reasons behind it. Eventually I had enough and I left for two weeks. Couldn't take it anymore. How can anything be fixed when you are unable or unwilling to examine the problem? How can progress be made? Growth? When you lack awareness and understanding of yourself enough to know what is upsetting you?
I don't know man. This relationship is the worst. I should have seen this coming early on, and I've seen this with the three of swords, in three different instances.
Very interesting. At first I persuaded myself that these cards do not set your fate in stone. The future can be changed. No fate, but what we make as Linda Hamilton once wrote in Terminator 2.
No fate but what we make, was the reason why I choose to disregard those signs even after I've initially accepted them.
Well. I'm through with having myself kept hostage by this woman. I have to make this stick. I have to accept that she is not going to change as she promised she would. She is not going to give me more attention, love or openness as she repeatedly stated she would.
All she wants to do is deflect responsibility and to enjoy watching me dance on her strings.
And she doesn't want to actually make this work, otherwise it would be working. I don't ask for much. Just reciprocation. Respect. Compassion. Sharing.
Maybe I've been doing this all wrong. All I know is that I deserve better than to be sucked into an abusive relationship despite my bringing the very best of what I have to offer to it. And boy, did I bring my best. Best sex ever. Best conversation. Best kisses and chemistry and all such things.
Tried my best to be romantic. Loving. Thoughtful. Supportive, and respectful.
But Fola kept compromising all that. Kept creating drama in the form of character attacks, and actions that reflected thoughtlessness on her part. Hypocrisy, also.
I really need to accept that she is not my true Twin Flame, despite her telling me that she thought she was. She's the false one, and if it was easy to tell the difference between the two; then it would have been an easy challenge to overcome.
But it's not. It's very difficult to tell. Deception works by baiting you into believing one thing, while it does another. Actions always speak louder than words, and Fola has been mostly about words rather than living up to any of the promises she's made.
No more. I've had enough. I can't guarantee what will happen next time I see her, if I see her since she owes me money -- but, I will do my best to keep in mind that this woman can't change. This woman is easily offended and evasive and quick to deflect blame.
That's not love or trust. That's not a willingness to make things work.
I wish I had saved our conversation last night on the phone, but my call recorder app wasn't enabled. (sighs) It was incredible. I loved feeling the way we did when we first started chatting, early in our relationship. It had a beautiful flow and rhythm and respect to it all. I really missed that.
Life is such a tricky thing. Full of obstacles and challenges to overcome. I know what my goal in life is. To love and be loved. Asking Fola this question results in a hemming and hawing of what she truly is after. Love, is not it. Material possessions, free time, and doing whatever she wants to do; seems to be the priority for her.
Not love. Not marriage. Not kids. Not moving in with me.
None of these things.
I have to accept this fully within my heart that a leopard cannot change its spots.
She is not going to change unless she wants to.
And as for myself, I learned that I must always keep faith alive in my heart. To stay true. To not let this experience sour me, because it hasn't. Well. It sort of has, but it is not nearly as bad as it was with Lauren when she kissed that guy and he then wanted to have sex with her. While we were together. After repeatedly telling me that she loved me.
I can't be suckered like this anymore. The only person in the world that matters is me. My life. I can't give it up for a woman, and I keep telling myself this and I keep forgetting this.
But I love losing myself into someone that seems like a part of my soul. I can't help it. Touching her felt so good. Kissing her is even better. Having sex with her is the best.
Talking. Being with one another.
Amazing things.
But. I have my needs too. I need to know that I can trust my partner. When I met Fola, she was sleeping with multiple people and kept reminding me that she wasn't interested in monogamy.
And her opinions and views change so frequently, that I cannot possibly see anything from her point of view. Because the woman she is today, is likely not going to be the woman I will be seeing tomorrow.
And her values? They don't match mine. I want to start a family. I believe in being grateful and appreciative. Especially when we've hit all these milestones while together. Our connection was and is extremely special. I'm pretty sure we've known each other in a past life.
And I'm pretty sure she has betrayed me in that past life as well. It was as difficult then, as it is now. Little has changed.
So, she still owes me. Not just the money for the trip, but owes me for the pain she's caused.
I don't need to grovel or apologize for anything I've done or said to her. Those were exactly the things I had to do and say. Tough love requires a willingness to be honest and upfront about the things that bother me. And I feel that I have been very reasonable about my concerns. Explaining them in an excessive amount of detail.
There is no ambiguity or hidden agendas on my part. There is no confusion about what I want for us.
And there is with her.
So. I don't know what is going to happen now. I have been telling God that I am ready for the next step, whatever that is. I will continue to keep myself ready. I will watch myself carefully as I go throughout my day.
I know that I am a good human being and that I deserve someone who at least shares the same values as I do.
To love and be loved.
I don't think anything else in life matters more than that.
If only Fola could see what I see.
(sighs)
This all came about for a reason. To teach each other lessons. The situation is so similar to what I went through with Lauren. Right down to the two-year old daughter and an inability to commit.
I don't know if I have passed this test. I think I did. I don't think I could have done much differently with her. I'm not completely sure what it was that I was supposed to have learned, other than to stand up for myself and to leave when I am absolutely certain that she isn't the right person for me.
Maybe I've failed on that part, because I keep taking her back. Again, and again. Doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result.
That's the definition of insanity right there.
I've given her my very best and it wasn't good enough. I have to accept that and move on.
I am moving closer each day to the one that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with.
The last of my chains are coming off.
And I am more ready now than ever before to welcome the one that sincerely loves and wants to be with me.
She is here.
And she is coming towards me.
Faster than I could ever hope for.
I will be patient.
I will be strong.
I will be loved.
Just got to hold on a little longer.
I love you God.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity.
You know me better than I know myself.
So, I trust that you know what you are doing.
One day we will sit around with a couple of beers and laugh about all this.
I just know it :)
Thank you for having three little girls smile at me in the course of one week. The one on the steps who waved back when I waved at her. The ones at the gas station who smiled and waved at me, and the one who crossed the crosswalk while smiling directly at me.
Thank you for the signs.
I will continue to try and honor you, and all that you stand for.
I will be keeping my faith in you alive.
No matter what may happen.
I will try.
