Last night I went for a walk with Fola on the grounds of Alberta Hospital.
It was nice. We held hands. Talked.
Hugged.
Kissed a bit.
(sighs)
Thunder is going on outside. Her dad wants to meet me, and not for good reasons either.
She can't come over to see me tonight because she is "trapped" at home, due to the objections of her family.
They all are calling her selfish, just as I know she already is.
But... I have been growing to accept it. I am trying something different. Something that has worked in the past, but I haven't been able to continously maintain.
The Buddhists have a word for this, Tathata which is to describe a particular state of being known as "suchness" or, accepting what is.
Sick? Tired? Miserable? Happy? Whatever the emotion or feeling, Tathata is the binding of yourself to the present moment. The unmoving mover. The stationary target that moves. The movement that is still.
In short, you basically accept life for what it is and whatever gets thrown at you.
I like this particular idea. In sadness and despair, you aren't expected to repress these feelings. You own up to them. You let them pass through you. Same with illness. You accept that this is the way things are, and while you can hope for it to change, you should not accept a form of inner-denial where you go "I do not accept this moment" and engage in a process of resistance.
It makes sense to me. At my happiest and most enlightened-ish, I seem to unconsciously practice Tathata. It is one of the symptoms of the conditions of self-awareness and being at peace with oneself. You simply live in the present. Nothing else matters, but the here and now.
Of course the future matters, we want to design it. And so does the past, if we wish to learn from it. But we don't need to cling to either of them. They have to be thought of as existing in the present moment. The future has not arrived, and the past is long gone, however you measure it. In minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years.
Tathata.. Again this comes full circle. The Power of Now as told by Eckhart Tolle. Living in full-awareness and appreciation of every moment. This is basically the greatest truth in all of the scriptures and self-help books I have read, although different words and meanings are used across each and every one of them.
I suppose we all know what the Truth is. But we kind of get restless when the same thing is said over and over. It has to be said in a new way. Embraced in a new way, so as to keep our attention. But it doesn't change what is at the core. "Suchness" .. acceptance.
Accepting the way things are. And not developing too much of an emotional attachment to anything that comes and goes through life.
I mean, this doesn't suggest that we should become unfeeling robots governed by logic and unable to dream of a future, or to reminiscence of the past. I think this is more of a method/ideology that can be deployed when one is feeling lost and disconnected. To remind oneself that the present moment is all that matters, can be a liberating and meaningful experience. It is a lot like hearing someone talk in a conversation and allowing your thoughts to wander. When that happens, you aren't really focused. You don't quite "get" what the other person is saying, even if you kind of do. Your mind is elsewhere. There is a judgement call being made when you choose to tune something out, or give it anything less than your full attention. You are basically deciding that whatever the present moment is, it is not worth your time, but you stand to bear it regardless, because you may not have much of a choice.
Most of us are at work for hours at a time, for most of our lives. We may dislike what we do, but we have no choice as to whether or not we enjoy it. The wisest thing to do, is accept the present moment for what it is, and give it the fullest of attention. Sure, this isn't always easy to do, and we don't like to become a worker drone, but whenever our thoughts wander into dark territory; reminding ourselves of the importance of the present moment can help bring about a grounding, and can also improve our productivity now that it has our full attention.
Energy flows where attention goes. This is proportional. The more attention, the more energy.
Ideally, you want to do everything at 100%. Even standing still requires energy and attention, and putting all of your energy into soaking in the world around you; is as useful as putting that energy towards something productive.
Fola.. Hm. Yeah, her dad wants to meet me. She's having problems. I do love her, but I don't feel loved by her. I mean.. maybe I am, but she isn't showing it the way I would imagine love needs to be shown.
I'm going to just accept that. As long as I can keep myself from desiring a particular outcome; then I can more wholeheartedly accept whatever I am given. Crumbs, or chunks, it doesn't matter. Gratitude should be given regardless.
There is a natural ebb and flow to this all. I've noticed that the more I want something, the more tense I get when I don't have it. The less I want something, the easier it is to get it. Doesn't make much sense if you ask me, but I have seen it on my date with Michelle yesterday.
With Michelle, I didn't try to be anything other than who I am. And she seems to really like me for it. Even after I've considered myself to be a bit of a bore and not really as optimistic and upbeat/intelligent/insightful/charming/funny as I would have wanted to be. Michelle still gave me a giant hug and asked when we can see each other again.
Honestly, I don't really feel much for this girl. She makes me feel awkward. I don't think the best of myself is coming out while I am with her. I think maybe she's overlooking my weaknesses. I don't know what she is really seeing in me. At least in the version I presented while with her.
She grabbed at my hand a few times. My arm. Kept touching me. Leaned in for a hopeful kiss that I didn't feel comfortable giving. I felt bad. I don't like rejecting people, but I don't want to give false hope either.
Don't really know what to do about all this. I blew off Natalia today. Just wasn't feeling like driving to Whyte Ave instead of Tony's Pizza like it was originally planned. She cancelled Friday, then changed the destination to Famoso, which I really dislike going to. Worst yet, she said she has plans for later on tonight, suggesting that she was going on another date with someone else.
I really don't like having to bend over backwards for someone without a car, and then she got upset when I was honest with her about my feelings. Calling me manipulative and full of excuses.
I had to remind her that she cancelled our date, changed the destination, said her having a car wasn't a problem, and that she has plans later on anyways, so what does it matter if I backed out?
I know.. I should keep my word. But this.. She didn't seem interesting to begin with. She certainly wasn't very interested in what I was saying enough to give me more thoughts of her own. She doesn't seem to read very much, or have any of the interests that I do.
(sighs)
Well.. Whatever.
Tathata...
It is is what it is.
Let life flow through and around me.
I can only do that.
