May as well call this the Fola blog, since she's basically all my life seems to be revolving around at the moment. It's strange. Six months into our relationship and she still has a strong presence in my life.
I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Part of me is thinking yes, because I want that all-consuming relationship; another part is saying no, it's not healthy to be so preoccupied with someone when I should be putting my focus elsewhere. Mainly on myself.
She came over a few days ago. I have to say, the sex between us is still unreal. Six months later, and it seems like it can still only get better over time.
But there should be more to life than just having mindblowing sex, right?
My writing has suffered in the past while. Haven't posted on my other blog in a month. Haven't written anything for my book. Just basically lost interest in writing altogether. Ordinarily, I would consider this to be something to be deeply concerned about given how important writing has been to me for most of my life; but I am feeling a kind of liberation. The freedom of not having to write seems to comfort me in a way. No pressure. But then again, no progress either.
I was thinking lately that maybe I'm just not cut out to be able to write an entire book, or even regular blog posts. Not unless I am motivated to do so, and I am certainly not very motivated at the moment. There is a nagging thought in my mind to ensure that I write in my blog so as to jot my thoughts down, so at least I know I will be endeavoring to keep posts like this going. Probably more for posterity than anything else.
Sunday was one of the most busiest days I've had. Early on, I went to meet Michelle for our date at the dog park. She had met me during the time when I thought I was broken up with Fola, and though I am not attracted to her romantically; I felt it was the honourable thing to keep my promise about seeing her again. I didn't have to make any moves on her, just enjoy her company. Plus, I really wanted to see her dog and take her to the dog park.
It was a good time. Sadie, her dog, was such a gentle and playful animal and well-behaved too.
I cracked my phone's screen when it fell out of my back pocket as we sat on a bench and I told her about how Fola was back in my life, and that I couldn't pursue a romantic relationship with her. Michelle took it amazingly well, and really was supportive and understanding. I was shocked. She suggested for us to be friends and that we could continue to go to the dog park and movies, and whatever else.
Fola was insistent that I keep her in the loop about Michelle. She seemed pretty jealous/worried about her which kind of surprised me, given how confident and self-assured she normally is. Plus her polyamory thing kind of contradicts those emotions, since she used to have multiple partners in her life. Very curious, but I do feel like she loves me more than most of the people she knows.
From here, I went to my step-uncle Jan's "acreage" about 45 minutes West of Edmonton. It was a two acre lot. There was a half-built "home" that had a hole in the floor and rickety stairs that looked like they would collapse. But boy, it was amazing.
When I arrived, Jan who is 76 years old, was sleeping inside of a mosquito tent like he normally does whenever a bunch of Polish folks congregate and start drinking. As I went inside to eat perogies and chicken; he heard me talking and suddenly rose from the floor, like a zombie, with his eyes all lit up.
Jan started talking to me, and the more he did, the more I realized that he really likes my company. He just didn't appreciate being a part of the "party" atmosphere, where people sit around and make small talk as they got progressively more and more drunk. Jan then offers to give me a tour of the area.
He showed me the rickety house. The gardens he had there, and he guided me along on a solitary walk to the lake nearby, which looked really nice.
There was an extremely pretty girl in the group who came from Poland for a visit. She didn't know any English, but had a good laugh when I told her that she looked nice in Polish.
After spending an hour and a half here, Jan escorted me back to the main road and I was off to see Trina for a Reiki appointment. Arriving there, we sat around and chatted for a good hour and after the Reiki was done, chatted for another three hours. Lots of stuff. We discussed her personal life, and I was surprised at how generous she was about the details of her marriage. It's not going well. Her husband is a full-blown alcoholic, and often is passed out when she comes home in the evening. She wants to leave him, and I asked her if she would still be with him if he stopped drinking. That really made her pause for thought.
She read my palm, noticed a "star" and proclaimed that I was psychic. The Reiki session itself, was interesting. She had me oil my hands and "detox" with this Himalayan salt globe thing, and then used tuning forks in and around my head. That was interesting. It was towards the end of Reiki that I inexplicably almost passed out as she "worked" around my lower-half region. It was like I was in a trance. I don't know why that was, or if I gained any benefits from the session.
Afterwards in our long chat, Trina said I would make a good healer. When I asked her why, she said it was because I had a gentle spirit. I'm still skeptical about Reiki, but it does appear to work for some people. And because I want to help people, I'm still interested in being trained. I think I may be able to do some good, and Trina will be notifying me as to when her next Reiki class will take place. I will likely be signing up for it.
After this, as I drove home, I stopped at McDonalds and picked up a McChicken with tomato and mozarella, fries, and an iced chai latte. As I was leaving, this pretty girl from a distance away started calling out to me. I couldn't understand what she was saying, so I moved closer and apologized for my shitty hearing.
She was near a curb, and on the ground were a few bags. I had the impression she was a runaway. Maybe early to mid-20s. Blondish/reddish hair. Hypnotic eyes.
As I approached, she said:
"Anything in that bag for me?"
I felt compelled to give her some of my fries, and offered to keep her company while I ate. So there we were, sitting on a curb, talking about my Reiki session, about God, about her situation and how she had a baby in February, and that her boyfriend was abusive and she was looking for a place to stay, etc.
A native guy on a bike later came up, whom she knew, and they had a brief conversation that I couldn't quite hear most of. I connected the pieces while this was going on. She was a hooker, and he was either a pimp or a drug dealer.
Her teeth was jagged, and there was a bruise on her right temple. The girl had it rough, and I gave her five bucks when she said she wished she could buy something for food.
(sighs) I loved that moment. I haven't interacted with a prositute like this, but I did manage to make her laugh, teach her a few things, learned a few things, and emerged a better and wiser and more compassionate person for it.
Yeah, I love people. I do. I have to do Reiki. Or something along those lines. Maybe this is another reason why writing has fallen by the wayside for me. There's more important things out there that I have to be doing. I am not going to make much of a difference to the world, or make much progress in removing myself from insulating as a career; if I pursue writing at the expense of what I am meant to be doing.
Helping people.
This has been a type of epiphany for me in the past month. As my writing output dropped, I began to understand that it is probably not the path for me to be taking. My path seems to be pointing towards one-on-one interactions with others, and Reiki appears to be exactly the kind of thing I need to be doing.
So, after all this, I went home and Fola arrived shortly after. The sex was ridiculous, as I mentioned earlier, and because it was a new moon, she was insistent we do affirmations and set intentions.
As she straddled me in bed, naked, I felt this compulsion to take her hands, put it on my chest and guide her through each of our intentions.
1) Acreage - imagine where we will be living. It will be two buildings, on a large plot of land.
2) Library - part of the acreage. There is a fireplace to Fola's left, and we are seated across from one another. A cat is in her lap, and my dog Mr. Mugs (soon to be) is on the floor by my feet.
3) Energy work - visualize us manipulating and mastering the flow of energy between us.
4) Career - imagine the ideal career for the two of us
5) Money - 6.1 million dollars is the amount of money we both desire to have.
Fola wanted to do a ritual, but I ended up doing this instead. The room was already cleared with sage, and candles were lit. Music was playing (Johnathan Goldman - Chakra Healing, I think it was) and the mood was absolutely perfect.
We then had sex. On the bed at first, then on the floor where I did her from behind.
(sighs)
I still am in awe of how perfect our chemistry is. Gripping her from behind and watching her arch her back. Later when I asked her if it was the best sex she's ever had, she said yes. When I asked if she would marry me someday, she said "probably".
(double sighs)
There is a feeling in the air. A feeling that our intentions will come true, that I have been noticing the past couple of days. I still feel like there is a blind spot, as I have no idea what the future really holds for us, or whether or not we will even be together down the road. But it feels that way. I think.
Had to rush to make her breakfast this morning when she sent me that photo. There was another one, in which her boobs were on full glorious display. Too bad I was too busy rolling crepes and that my phone was in do not disturb mode, otherwise I would've went upstairs and sex her up.
The next day, I texted her saying that I was grateful for having met her. That every day has been an adventure. There is always something new. Something exciting or dramatic, or mundane but profound and deep and meaningful and interesting.
(quadruple sighs)
She may not be the woman I most want, but she is certainly the one I deserve right now. Fola doesn't have much of an emotional connection to her daughter. She doesn't seem to be able to "love" as fully as I am able to, and would want her to. She is neutered in a way, but in the way that seems to be improving over time.
I have changed her, as she has changed me. Without Fola, I would not have learned the value of patience and forgiveness and tolerance as easily as I have been. Humility, also, seems to be a byproduct of having met her. As is learning what makes women tick, and becoming a more confident man. I'm not perfect yet, and I am still learning, but I can see myself growing into the type of person I most want to be.
Even if she is not my Twin Flame, and is only my soulmate, I am content. In this game of life, in this particular incarnation, she and I are meant to work together to realize certain things. She has her journey, and I have mine. Who knows how long it'll go for. We'll see.
But I do hope she will continue to grow into a better and more loving human being, until she becomes both the woman I deserve, and the woman I most desire.
And hopefully I can be the same for her. The man she most desires.
It's a work in progress, thats for sure.
Still need hearing aids. I hate how I miss so much of our conversation. It's beyond embarrassing at times. I'm sometimes surprised at how she manages to put up with it.
Well, blog.
It's been quite a ride.
Good things are coming my way.
And I will make myself, and the world, into a better place.
Somehow or another.
By any means necessary.
