Scratch that. If it's gay porn, than matthew good needs to be giving it to a CGI Hulk I figure. I'm sure he would approve of my choice. Heh.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
SRF Stuff
So, la de da. Not sure what I should be posting about. Listening to some Sigur Ros and still a bit buzzed from the coffee I had earlier.
Hrm. Thought I'd try out this SRF stuff that Fola seems insistent about me checking out. Apparently you go into this kind of chapel setting, and sit there and meditate for a bit. Chanting is involved also, not sure if I would be getting into doing that.
Well, it's worth a try, just for the sake of experiencing something different. I'm curious about the Self-Realization Fellowship ever since I saw a documentary on Yogananda a while ago on Netflix. Seems like an interesting character. Definitely had some spiritual thing going for him. Bonus goes to Steve Jobs having been a big fan of the guy, so with that kind of validation, I think it's worth looking into.
Looking at their website, they suggest dressing conservatively as if going to church; and the room is small, so I'm hoping it won't be too weird or boxed-in. Good thing it's a fairly short service, so I'm not worried about having to meditate for four hours with a bunch of strangers. Not sure if I can even do an hour of it, so we'll see how this turns out.
Haven't decided if that's what I most want to do tonight, since I do have a date with my mom for some all you can eat fish tacos which she is excited about, as am I.
Yeah, so, Fola and I are still talking. Still working through our shit. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with the fact that she is non-monogamous, but I'll give it a try for as long as I can stand it. Uhm, by "try", I basically mean, "put up with her beliefs" rather than myself becoming poly like she is.
Or non-monogamous. Whatever label she finds most convenient to stick onto herself at this moment in time.
Yeah, life is going on. My days are both interesting and boring all at once. Not really interested in gaming or tv or movies; but I'm liking music, and reading, so that's helping with my leisure time.
Chris told mom yesterday that there is a call for a bunch of journeymen at Redwater and I felt a bit of a squeeze in the chest knowing that I had a pot brownie a while ago, and it's probably going to show up on the urine test. Which means that I basically can't get this job unless I cheat on the test. I could ask Fola for a bag of her urine, but I'm sure it will look suspicious if they found a bunch of female hormones in it. Heh. So, not going to even bother entertaining that thought.
Meh. Honestly, as restless as I am right now with these long unemployed days where I sometimes feel useless and listless, I could stand waiting a little while longer before going back to work. I have the means to wait, and because of a (likely) positive outcome on the test; I wouldn't be able to get anything even if I tried.
So, well. I don't like sitting around the house feeling like a useless hunk of crap, but.. I'm kind of forced to at the moment, until something comes around. Or until the THC clears my body; whichever comes first.
I need to exercise more, I think. Go for walks. Swimming. Whatever. It's not healthy being sedentary like this, and smoking like a chimney for lack of anything more exciting to do.
Writing on my blog is nice, though. I like putting my thoughts down and looking over old posts to see how far I've come and grown since. There's definitely progress in motion, even if from my vantage point it doesn't appear to be all that much.
Those who keep trying, can never fail. It is only when we stop trying, can we admit to having failed.
I really like the stuff I come up with every now and then. A thought does not become real until it is written down, and so, I am writing these things down. Making them more realer than real.
Hrm. Hum.
Yawns.
Laying in bed typing all this, kind of impressed that I was able to write this much when I initially started with little idea of what to talk about. Guess I've got a gift for gab. Fola kind of laughed at me when she called me a writer once, and I was like, "I guess." I do consider myself a writer, but to me, a writer is someone with credentials. Published works. Articles, essays, pamphlets, whatever. That's not me at the moment. I'm just a nobody who can't finish what he starts. My half-assed books are proof of that. Years in the writing, when all it would take for someone dedicated, is probably a month or two to finish these things.
But, again. I'm not going to push against that which I feel resistance towards. If I don't feel like writing, then I don't feel like writing. If I don't want to work on my book, then I won't. Why inflict that suffering on myself? That guilt? I know books like the War on Art is good for snapping people out of their apathy, but for me, it was a bit too jarring of an approach. I guess it'll work for certain others, but not me. I kind of have to write because I want to, not because I feel guilty that I'm not.
Right now I'm reading about Tantric sex, as per Fola's request, so that we can try these things out together. Not really thrilled about the idea, to be honest, but she seems to be, so I'll humour her and educate myself on the subject somewhat.
Thing is, the book is all about building a strong bond between myself and my partner, and it's all monogamous based. I tried telling Fola last night this, and she kind of shrugged it off. I just don't think it's easy or even possible, to achieve what she would like to experience, if she continues seeing other people while we are involved.
Involved in a part-time relationship, of course. Which sucks. Don't live together, don't have regular sex, she's sleeping with other people, and I'm not. So, how the hell is a strong bond supposed to be formed given how irregular we've been and how out of sync we are on the idea of sleeping with other people while inside of a committed relationship? She mentioned last night that herself and Larry had to do some "relationship mending" which means that obviously there is trouble brewing within their marriage. Again, both a good and a bad thing and what needs to be, I suppose.
Mm. Guess that about covers it. Got a dresser to assemble today, and it has been kicking my ass the past two days. Came in like, a hundred separate pieces and is such a pain in the ass to put together. I have a Rubbermaid storage thing that I want to put outside, but that damned thing has been sitting in my basement in a hundred different pieces as well. Fuck those people who engineer and plan to ship them that way. Yeah, I get it, you can stack them more easily in the stores, but fuck if they are even worth the aggravation of putting them together. I'd rather pay someone a hundred bucks to have to avoid needing to do that.
I think that sort of thing should be regulated somehow. Pull in a group of 18-21 year olds, put them in separate rooms, and tell them they have to assemble whatever item a company wants to sell. If they can do it successfully in under two hours, then yep, it's good. If they are struggling to make sense of the instructions or the thing is all lop-sided and incomplete; then, back to the drawing board. Fuck the company and fuck their products. Pardon my French.
Anyways.. STD test is going to happen shortly here, going to see if I have gonnohera or not. One thing I know for sure though, is that I can't spell the damn word and my spell checker is too incompetent to figure out what I'm trying to type. Damn you spell checker. (shakes fist)
Going to see Fola tonight, and ask if she'd like to go with me to see Matthew Good this Saturday. Though I've already seen him over five times live; it's been a few years since I last saw my favourite Canadian musician. I can't believe he's still doing all this, more than twenty years since he first started. Kind of feels almost like family to me at this point. We're both growing old together. We're both trying. We're both learning about life.
If I ever had to watch gay porn, it'll only be if I see Matthew Good in it. Not sure who he would have to be porking though. Maybe a CGI character. That'll be something to see. Personally I'd pick Jessica Rabbit for that guy. But she's going to have three boobs. Just like in Total Recall.
Hrmph.
STD time.
I'm excited :P
Hrm. Thought I'd try out this SRF stuff that Fola seems insistent about me checking out. Apparently you go into this kind of chapel setting, and sit there and meditate for a bit. Chanting is involved also, not sure if I would be getting into doing that.
Well, it's worth a try, just for the sake of experiencing something different. I'm curious about the Self-Realization Fellowship ever since I saw a documentary on Yogananda a while ago on Netflix. Seems like an interesting character. Definitely had some spiritual thing going for him. Bonus goes to Steve Jobs having been a big fan of the guy, so with that kind of validation, I think it's worth looking into.
Looking at their website, they suggest dressing conservatively as if going to church; and the room is small, so I'm hoping it won't be too weird or boxed-in. Good thing it's a fairly short service, so I'm not worried about having to meditate for four hours with a bunch of strangers. Not sure if I can even do an hour of it, so we'll see how this turns out.
Haven't decided if that's what I most want to do tonight, since I do have a date with my mom for some all you can eat fish tacos which she is excited about, as am I.
Yeah, so, Fola and I are still talking. Still working through our shit. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with the fact that she is non-monogamous, but I'll give it a try for as long as I can stand it. Uhm, by "try", I basically mean, "put up with her beliefs" rather than myself becoming poly like she is.
Or non-monogamous. Whatever label she finds most convenient to stick onto herself at this moment in time.
Yeah, life is going on. My days are both interesting and boring all at once. Not really interested in gaming or tv or movies; but I'm liking music, and reading, so that's helping with my leisure time.
Chris told mom yesterday that there is a call for a bunch of journeymen at Redwater and I felt a bit of a squeeze in the chest knowing that I had a pot brownie a while ago, and it's probably going to show up on the urine test. Which means that I basically can't get this job unless I cheat on the test. I could ask Fola for a bag of her urine, but I'm sure it will look suspicious if they found a bunch of female hormones in it. Heh. So, not going to even bother entertaining that thought.
Meh. Honestly, as restless as I am right now with these long unemployed days where I sometimes feel useless and listless, I could stand waiting a little while longer before going back to work. I have the means to wait, and because of a (likely) positive outcome on the test; I wouldn't be able to get anything even if I tried.
So, well. I don't like sitting around the house feeling like a useless hunk of crap, but.. I'm kind of forced to at the moment, until something comes around. Or until the THC clears my body; whichever comes first.
I need to exercise more, I think. Go for walks. Swimming. Whatever. It's not healthy being sedentary like this, and smoking like a chimney for lack of anything more exciting to do.
Writing on my blog is nice, though. I like putting my thoughts down and looking over old posts to see how far I've come and grown since. There's definitely progress in motion, even if from my vantage point it doesn't appear to be all that much.
Those who keep trying, can never fail. It is only when we stop trying, can we admit to having failed.
I really like the stuff I come up with every now and then. A thought does not become real until it is written down, and so, I am writing these things down. Making them more realer than real.
Hrm. Hum.
Yawns.
Laying in bed typing all this, kind of impressed that I was able to write this much when I initially started with little idea of what to talk about. Guess I've got a gift for gab. Fola kind of laughed at me when she called me a writer once, and I was like, "I guess." I do consider myself a writer, but to me, a writer is someone with credentials. Published works. Articles, essays, pamphlets, whatever. That's not me at the moment. I'm just a nobody who can't finish what he starts. My half-assed books are proof of that. Years in the writing, when all it would take for someone dedicated, is probably a month or two to finish these things.
But, again. I'm not going to push against that which I feel resistance towards. If I don't feel like writing, then I don't feel like writing. If I don't want to work on my book, then I won't. Why inflict that suffering on myself? That guilt? I know books like the War on Art is good for snapping people out of their apathy, but for me, it was a bit too jarring of an approach. I guess it'll work for certain others, but not me. I kind of have to write because I want to, not because I feel guilty that I'm not.
Right now I'm reading about Tantric sex, as per Fola's request, so that we can try these things out together. Not really thrilled about the idea, to be honest, but she seems to be, so I'll humour her and educate myself on the subject somewhat.
Thing is, the book is all about building a strong bond between myself and my partner, and it's all monogamous based. I tried telling Fola last night this, and she kind of shrugged it off. I just don't think it's easy or even possible, to achieve what she would like to experience, if she continues seeing other people while we are involved.
Involved in a part-time relationship, of course. Which sucks. Don't live together, don't have regular sex, she's sleeping with other people, and I'm not. So, how the hell is a strong bond supposed to be formed given how irregular we've been and how out of sync we are on the idea of sleeping with other people while inside of a committed relationship? She mentioned last night that herself and Larry had to do some "relationship mending" which means that obviously there is trouble brewing within their marriage. Again, both a good and a bad thing and what needs to be, I suppose.
Mm. Guess that about covers it. Got a dresser to assemble today, and it has been kicking my ass the past two days. Came in like, a hundred separate pieces and is such a pain in the ass to put together. I have a Rubbermaid storage thing that I want to put outside, but that damned thing has been sitting in my basement in a hundred different pieces as well. Fuck those people who engineer and plan to ship them that way. Yeah, I get it, you can stack them more easily in the stores, but fuck if they are even worth the aggravation of putting them together. I'd rather pay someone a hundred bucks to have to avoid needing to do that.
I think that sort of thing should be regulated somehow. Pull in a group of 18-21 year olds, put them in separate rooms, and tell them they have to assemble whatever item a company wants to sell. If they can do it successfully in under two hours, then yep, it's good. If they are struggling to make sense of the instructions or the thing is all lop-sided and incomplete; then, back to the drawing board. Fuck the company and fuck their products. Pardon my French.
Anyways.. STD test is going to happen shortly here, going to see if I have gonnohera or not. One thing I know for sure though, is that I can't spell the damn word and my spell checker is too incompetent to figure out what I'm trying to type. Damn you spell checker. (shakes fist)
Going to see Fola tonight, and ask if she'd like to go with me to see Matthew Good this Saturday. Though I've already seen him over five times live; it's been a few years since I last saw my favourite Canadian musician. I can't believe he's still doing all this, more than twenty years since he first started. Kind of feels almost like family to me at this point. We're both growing old together. We're both trying. We're both learning about life.
If I ever had to watch gay porn, it'll only be if I see Matthew Good in it. Not sure who he would have to be porking though. Maybe a CGI character. That'll be something to see. Personally I'd pick Jessica Rabbit for that guy. But she's going to have three boobs. Just like in Total Recall.
Hrmph.
STD time.
I'm excited :P
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
I Should Live in Salt
(mumble mumble)
Blah blah blah.
Oh, hey. Didn't see you there. Don't mind me, just muttering to myself.
Demons by the National is on my headphones right now. Coffee on my right.
Ugly looking ashtray with a smoking cigarette on my left.
And it's been like, ten minutes since I inexplicably got out of bed this morning. Yeah, at 4:30am. Went to sleep at.. uh, just shortly after midnight I believe.
Why, David? Why did you suddenly "wake up" so early and not feel tired?
Because my imaginary friend; I simply do not feel tired at all. So why force myself to sleep?
Part of me is wondering what is going on with this. The scientist in me is thinking in terms of one set of possibilities, all physiological; the abstract/spiritual/intuitive side, is suggesting other things.
As time marches on, I'm beginning to realize the abstract is more real, than reality is sometimes. If that makes any sense.
What comes to mind for me right now, is ancestral memory. The idea of learning from past generations within your own species, by means of heredity in terms of DNA, etc. Kind of like Assassin's Creed, actually.
What does ancestral memory have to do with my waking up at this ungodly early hour?
Because, something deep inside of me is telling me that it is necessary. I can't rationalize why that is, but intuitively I know it must be. Because after all, I am awake for a reason. It's not because I was startled by some noise, or I'm stressed out, or anything superficial or arbitrary as physiological causes would go.
Often times, the body follows the mind. Not the other way around. Fola and I somewhat discussed a bit of this last night, how the mind affects the body more than we think, and things like cancer is a manifestation of spiritual distress. This is a simplification of the (her) argument that was brought up; as there are several factors that play into how cancer is developed. It's not as easy as saying it's karma-related. There's more going on than that.
So, looks like I potentially could have gonnehera. Fola actually tested positive, not negative, as she revealed to me last night. Fucking doctors and their incompetence. There's a whole story about the doctor she was seeing, but I'm not going to get into it. Three tests, blood/urine + swab were taken, with two out of the three posting negative results. The swab coming back positive.
Looks like today I'm going to have to get tested and see if I might have this shit.
Fucking polyamory, non-mongamous bullshit. We got into discussing a bunch of that last night too. Said a lot of good things about how I feel on the subject.
"If we ever get married, we can write it into our oaths that you have my permission to sleep with as many women as you'd like. But when it comes to guys, I'd rather just be your only one."
Things like that. I believe that marriage is a contract with negotiations involved. You each should tack onto your own provisions and special demands/requests.
I can let Fola sleep with a guy who isn't me, provided it's like.. once every three months or something like that. But, then again, why would she want to? That's the part I don't get. She then asked how monogamy would work if she was "unfulfilled" in the relationship, and that part didn't make sense to me either. This is in terms of marriage, so why would you marry someone who doesn't fulfil you? If they do, would you want to sleep with other people? If you truly love each other, wouldn't you only want them? I think it's completely naive to suggest that it's possible to love multiple people all at once, and we broke this down as well in our talks. Physical intimacy is a sacred act. Sex is an act of procreation and joyous expression. It's not about some guy putting a ball gag in your mouth and blowing a load in your ass before you mop up and drive home to snuggle in bed next to your husband.
Fuck that.
And fuck her. Still. If she is going to persist in thinking non-monogamy is okay, within a committed and loving relationship.
Fucking Fola. Sighs. Still love her though, as I found last night. I stared deep into her soul, wanting to reach out and touch her hand, to kiss her, to be kissed by her, touched by her.
And nope. Not much of that happened. As I said I would. And as I predicted.
Two really good hugs were exchanged. When she came inside and asked, "can I have a hug?" and when she left. Great hugs. Perfect hugs. Heart to heart hugs.
That's it. No kisses. No groping. No making bedroom eyes at each other.
Fucking hell, I don't like this kind of relationship. She doesn't understand how much it fucking hurts for her to have to leave me because, "it's getting late and I have to go home", and I get to sit in my quiet bed, all lonely as fuck, while she is with some other dude that's not me. In a house that isn't mine. Looking after a kid and a dog.
Me? I'm alone and I hate it. I have none of those things. She does, and that is what she doesn't understand about why I'm upset about our "relationship". I'm not getting a damn thing from it, and she gets to pick my brain and take whatever she wants from me before leaving. Goddamn vulture.
And that's okay. Brakes are being pumped, and I don't plan on seeing her/talking to her much from this point on. I told her not to expect us to get back together soon, and I meant it. We're broken up. She can suck as many dicks as she want and I'm not going to bat an eye next time she picks up another STD from someplace and come around moaning about it.
Immature. Reckless. Irresponsible. Dumb. Clueless. Hypocritical.
All qualities of the woman I love.
Yesterday was quite a surprise. Made her blackened chicken with corn on the cob and rice, and we just sat and talked. Fola actually wasn't angry at all like she was with me the night previous. Quite a refreshing change. She actually listened to me, and I felt somewhat at ease in speaking my mind.
That's the way it ought to be.
But, yeah. We're not going to be getting back together anytime soon. She's not going to change overnight.
Also, she wanted me to read some book on polyamory so I could better understand the issue. I agreed, but felt insulted inside. I already told her my thoughts on the issue. Polyamory is all well and good in your 20s, but you can't actually "love" multiple people at once. Why is that? Because what you think is "love" really isn't.
I should ask her if she "loves" the guy with the big dick that she occasionally sees. That's polyamory right?
No, wait. Fola changed it from poly to non-monogamy now. She'll probably always change her mind whenever it suits her.
Sighs. Yeah, I'm figuring things out now. My job here at the moment, is to show her what love really is. I get it now. I have to be able to bring her up and understand that love is a spectrum. It is not black and white. The Greeks have five different words for love, after all, and to make a blanket statement of "I love...(insert food/pet/song/person here)" is disingenuous, irresponsible and highly uninformed and lacking in self-awareness and understanding of what it actually is supposed to be.
Some of the words in the English language sucks. They're pretty inadequate and overly used. Often in the wrong ways, too.
Wish people would think more before they speak. Be precise and firm and clear and unambiguous and thoughtful about what they're saying. Not throw shit out like a shotgun blast with a wide spread. Pin-point sniper rifle accuracy is what people should be aiming for in conversations that are personal and dealing with deep and important topics.
No margin for error. Lazy, half-formed thoughts should be admitted to be such. Total honesty and respect for one another. No offence or fucks given. That's how it ought to be.
Sighs. I can have such a potty mouth whenever I get worked up about things like this, and that's fine. At least I'm using profanity when I'm actually passionate about something, and not sling them around like I've seen some people do, who insert a fuck into every sentence of their conversation. Sheesh. Less is more, dummy. Be mindful of the power that words have. Don't overdo it.
Well, what a journey this has been. Last night as Fola left, I just fucking cried. Sat at my dining room table and felt her going away to a home that isn't here. The last thing I remember is the big smile she walked out with. Courtesy of yours truly, who helped place it there.
Fucking joke this all is. It really is. I'm coming about to realize certain understandings and truths and I can only nod my head and say, yup, this is all completely necessary even if it is aggravating to deal with.
My job here, is to show Fola what love is? Okay. Mission accepted. It's going to be tricky, but I think I can do it.
What is her job? Hmm. I remember her once telling me that it could involve my seeing polyamory as a legitimate form of relationship. I had to laugh at that, and I seriously doubt this is the actual task she has to accomplish with me.
Saying all that is making me think of the idea of soul contracts. Things we agree that we will do and experience before we incarnate into new bodies. Yeah, this nonsense makes my head spin, but I'm pretty sure this nonsense exists also.
Except, it means accepting a bunch of strange ideas. Parallel universes, worlds. Simulation theory. Holographic theory. I can't decide which is which just yet. I haven't much confidence in any of these and I have a bunch of confidence in them. If that makes any sense.
It's like the explanation is staring me blue in the face, but my eyes are averted from it.
Can't quite understand what I'm not quite looking at, you know?
Hmm. Humilation by the National is on right now. Sounds appropriately titled. I should check the lyrics.
"Tunnel vision lights my way"
"Lead a little life today"
"As the free-fall advances, I'm the moron who dances"
Yeah.
So appropriate.
Blah blah blah.
Oh, hey. Didn't see you there. Don't mind me, just muttering to myself.
Demons by the National is on my headphones right now. Coffee on my right.
Ugly looking ashtray with a smoking cigarette on my left.
Why, David? Why did you suddenly "wake up" so early and not feel tired?
Because my imaginary friend; I simply do not feel tired at all. So why force myself to sleep?
Part of me is wondering what is going on with this. The scientist in me is thinking in terms of one set of possibilities, all physiological; the abstract/spiritual/intuitive side, is suggesting other things.
As time marches on, I'm beginning to realize the abstract is more real, than reality is sometimes. If that makes any sense.
What comes to mind for me right now, is ancestral memory. The idea of learning from past generations within your own species, by means of heredity in terms of DNA, etc. Kind of like Assassin's Creed, actually.
What does ancestral memory have to do with my waking up at this ungodly early hour?
Because, something deep inside of me is telling me that it is necessary. I can't rationalize why that is, but intuitively I know it must be. Because after all, I am awake for a reason. It's not because I was startled by some noise, or I'm stressed out, or anything superficial or arbitrary as physiological causes would go.
Often times, the body follows the mind. Not the other way around. Fola and I somewhat discussed a bit of this last night, how the mind affects the body more than we think, and things like cancer is a manifestation of spiritual distress. This is a simplification of the (her) argument that was brought up; as there are several factors that play into how cancer is developed. It's not as easy as saying it's karma-related. There's more going on than that.
So, looks like I potentially could have gonnehera. Fola actually tested positive, not negative, as she revealed to me last night. Fucking doctors and their incompetence. There's a whole story about the doctor she was seeing, but I'm not going to get into it. Three tests, blood/urine + swab were taken, with two out of the three posting negative results. The swab coming back positive.
Looks like today I'm going to have to get tested and see if I might have this shit.
Fucking polyamory, non-mongamous bullshit. We got into discussing a bunch of that last night too. Said a lot of good things about how I feel on the subject.
"If we ever get married, we can write it into our oaths that you have my permission to sleep with as many women as you'd like. But when it comes to guys, I'd rather just be your only one."
Things like that. I believe that marriage is a contract with negotiations involved. You each should tack onto your own provisions and special demands/requests.
I can let Fola sleep with a guy who isn't me, provided it's like.. once every three months or something like that. But, then again, why would she want to? That's the part I don't get. She then asked how monogamy would work if she was "unfulfilled" in the relationship, and that part didn't make sense to me either. This is in terms of marriage, so why would you marry someone who doesn't fulfil you? If they do, would you want to sleep with other people? If you truly love each other, wouldn't you only want them? I think it's completely naive to suggest that it's possible to love multiple people all at once, and we broke this down as well in our talks. Physical intimacy is a sacred act. Sex is an act of procreation and joyous expression. It's not about some guy putting a ball gag in your mouth and blowing a load in your ass before you mop up and drive home to snuggle in bed next to your husband.
Fuck that.
And fuck her. Still. If she is going to persist in thinking non-monogamy is okay, within a committed and loving relationship.
Fucking Fola. Sighs. Still love her though, as I found last night. I stared deep into her soul, wanting to reach out and touch her hand, to kiss her, to be kissed by her, touched by her.
And nope. Not much of that happened. As I said I would. And as I predicted.
Two really good hugs were exchanged. When she came inside and asked, "can I have a hug?" and when she left. Great hugs. Perfect hugs. Heart to heart hugs.
That's it. No kisses. No groping. No making bedroom eyes at each other.
Fucking hell, I don't like this kind of relationship. She doesn't understand how much it fucking hurts for her to have to leave me because, "it's getting late and I have to go home", and I get to sit in my quiet bed, all lonely as fuck, while she is with some other dude that's not me. In a house that isn't mine. Looking after a kid and a dog.
Me? I'm alone and I hate it. I have none of those things. She does, and that is what she doesn't understand about why I'm upset about our "relationship". I'm not getting a damn thing from it, and she gets to pick my brain and take whatever she wants from me before leaving. Goddamn vulture.
And that's okay. Brakes are being pumped, and I don't plan on seeing her/talking to her much from this point on. I told her not to expect us to get back together soon, and I meant it. We're broken up. She can suck as many dicks as she want and I'm not going to bat an eye next time she picks up another STD from someplace and come around moaning about it.
Immature. Reckless. Irresponsible. Dumb. Clueless. Hypocritical.
All qualities of the woman I love.
Yesterday was quite a surprise. Made her blackened chicken with corn on the cob and rice, and we just sat and talked. Fola actually wasn't angry at all like she was with me the night previous. Quite a refreshing change. She actually listened to me, and I felt somewhat at ease in speaking my mind.
That's the way it ought to be.
But, yeah. We're not going to be getting back together anytime soon. She's not going to change overnight.
Also, she wanted me to read some book on polyamory so I could better understand the issue. I agreed, but felt insulted inside. I already told her my thoughts on the issue. Polyamory is all well and good in your 20s, but you can't actually "love" multiple people at once. Why is that? Because what you think is "love" really isn't.
I should ask her if she "loves" the guy with the big dick that she occasionally sees. That's polyamory right?
No, wait. Fola changed it from poly to non-monogamy now. She'll probably always change her mind whenever it suits her.
Sighs. Yeah, I'm figuring things out now. My job here at the moment, is to show her what love really is. I get it now. I have to be able to bring her up and understand that love is a spectrum. It is not black and white. The Greeks have five different words for love, after all, and to make a blanket statement of "I love...(insert food/pet/song/person here)" is disingenuous, irresponsible and highly uninformed and lacking in self-awareness and understanding of what it actually is supposed to be.
Some of the words in the English language sucks. They're pretty inadequate and overly used. Often in the wrong ways, too.
Wish people would think more before they speak. Be precise and firm and clear and unambiguous and thoughtful about what they're saying. Not throw shit out like a shotgun blast with a wide spread. Pin-point sniper rifle accuracy is what people should be aiming for in conversations that are personal and dealing with deep and important topics.
No margin for error. Lazy, half-formed thoughts should be admitted to be such. Total honesty and respect for one another. No offence or fucks given. That's how it ought to be.
Sighs. I can have such a potty mouth whenever I get worked up about things like this, and that's fine. At least I'm using profanity when I'm actually passionate about something, and not sling them around like I've seen some people do, who insert a fuck into every sentence of their conversation. Sheesh. Less is more, dummy. Be mindful of the power that words have. Don't overdo it.
Well, what a journey this has been. Last night as Fola left, I just fucking cried. Sat at my dining room table and felt her going away to a home that isn't here. The last thing I remember is the big smile she walked out with. Courtesy of yours truly, who helped place it there.
Fucking joke this all is. It really is. I'm coming about to realize certain understandings and truths and I can only nod my head and say, yup, this is all completely necessary even if it is aggravating to deal with.
My job here, is to show Fola what love is? Okay. Mission accepted. It's going to be tricky, but I think I can do it.
What is her job? Hmm. I remember her once telling me that it could involve my seeing polyamory as a legitimate form of relationship. I had to laugh at that, and I seriously doubt this is the actual task she has to accomplish with me.
Saying all that is making me think of the idea of soul contracts. Things we agree that we will do and experience before we incarnate into new bodies. Yeah, this nonsense makes my head spin, but I'm pretty sure this nonsense exists also.
Except, it means accepting a bunch of strange ideas. Parallel universes, worlds. Simulation theory. Holographic theory. I can't decide which is which just yet. I haven't much confidence in any of these and I have a bunch of confidence in them. If that makes any sense.
It's like the explanation is staring me blue in the face, but my eyes are averted from it.
Can't quite understand what I'm not quite looking at, you know?
Hmm. Humilation by the National is on right now. Sounds appropriately titled. I should check the lyrics.
"Tunnel vision lights my way"
"Lead a little life today"
"As the free-fall advances, I'm the moron who dances"
Yeah.
So appropriate.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
*Babality*
Alright, weirdness continues. Didn't think I would ever talk to Fola again after last night, but I got a big apology text (that I don't actually believe in very much) and she asked to see me, either tonight or tomorrow.
So, I made a deal. Delete all my texts, and I'll listen to what you have to say. After that, I think its done.
Not trying to be manipulative or anything, but I want to make it clear that what we had was gone. Is gone. And might never be coming back. But, I've been on the receiving end of having my texts and phone calls ignored; so, I wouldn't want to wish that kind of feeling onto Fola.
Still love that girl. Not as much as I used to, or want to; but still do.
Eh. I believe people can change. But obviously, she's not going to change overnight or in the course of a single day, so I know I'm not that dumb to expect it to happen.
But, we'll see how it goes when she gets here. I had our monthiversary meal planned out about a week in advance, so, it's a shame to have to waste all that work I put into making my blackened chicken.
I know that I'm the mature one in this relationship. I'm not going to be anything less than cordial and respectful towards her tonight. I don't know if I should be expecting the same, but I also know that I have zero interest in sleeping with her. Or kissing. Or touching.
Not going to happen.
So, we'll see.
I don't think she's learned anything from yesterday, other than the fact that she misses me and is willing to swallow her pride and anger long enough to.. well, hopefully be cordial and respectful as I plan to be.
Who knows. Might turn out to be a shitty night. Could be a good one, even.
In any case, I did promise she could see me if she deleted my texts; and she said she did, without saving or sharing any copies of it. So, I have to keep my word.
Honestly, I'm not particularly thrilled to be seeing her, but whatever. I do sort of miss the old Fola, and there's a chance that might be the one who will be arriving tonight. I'll put the odds of that happening at around 25% actually. Not a whole lot of confidence with this.
So, anyways. Defrosting the chicken now and I'm not going to bother with setting the place up to make it look as nice as it usually does for her. No candles. Nothing special added or set up. Just a meal, a conversation and hopefully that's it. Sayonara.
I think.
Well. I'm looking at it from the perspective of what I would've liked Gina to have done with me. Invited us over for a face to face before we broke up. Guess that's something I've learned from her. Didn't want to break up through text. Don't want to leave her hanging, either.
Just kinda resolve things I guess. If they can be resolved.
I doubt she has anything constructive to say, so I'll just suffer in silence and try not to offend her somehow. I don't want our final memory to be tarnished by some ego tripping or whatever will (likely) occur.
Anyways.
Cross my fingers.
So, I made a deal. Delete all my texts, and I'll listen to what you have to say. After that, I think its done.
Not trying to be manipulative or anything, but I want to make it clear that what we had was gone. Is gone. And might never be coming back. But, I've been on the receiving end of having my texts and phone calls ignored; so, I wouldn't want to wish that kind of feeling onto Fola.
Still love that girl. Not as much as I used to, or want to; but still do.
Eh. I believe people can change. But obviously, she's not going to change overnight or in the course of a single day, so I know I'm not that dumb to expect it to happen.
But, we'll see how it goes when she gets here. I had our monthiversary meal planned out about a week in advance, so, it's a shame to have to waste all that work I put into making my blackened chicken.
I know that I'm the mature one in this relationship. I'm not going to be anything less than cordial and respectful towards her tonight. I don't know if I should be expecting the same, but I also know that I have zero interest in sleeping with her. Or kissing. Or touching.
Not going to happen.
So, we'll see.
I don't think she's learned anything from yesterday, other than the fact that she misses me and is willing to swallow her pride and anger long enough to.. well, hopefully be cordial and respectful as I plan to be.
Who knows. Might turn out to be a shitty night. Could be a good one, even.
In any case, I did promise she could see me if she deleted my texts; and she said she did, without saving or sharing any copies of it. So, I have to keep my word.
Honestly, I'm not particularly thrilled to be seeing her, but whatever. I do sort of miss the old Fola, and there's a chance that might be the one who will be arriving tonight. I'll put the odds of that happening at around 25% actually. Not a whole lot of confidence with this.
So, anyways. Defrosting the chicken now and I'm not going to bother with setting the place up to make it look as nice as it usually does for her. No candles. Nothing special added or set up. Just a meal, a conversation and hopefully that's it. Sayonara.
I think.
Well. I'm looking at it from the perspective of what I would've liked Gina to have done with me. Invited us over for a face to face before we broke up. Guess that's something I've learned from her. Didn't want to break up through text. Don't want to leave her hanging, either.
Just kinda resolve things I guess. If they can be resolved.
I doubt she has anything constructive to say, so I'll just suffer in silence and try not to offend her somehow. I don't want our final memory to be tarnished by some ego tripping or whatever will (likely) occur.
Anyways.
Cross my fingers.
*Flawless Victory*
Hey, guess what blog? Fola and I are done!
Yep, we ended things last.. Oh, wait. No. I actually stormed out of the McDonalds we met at, ignored her phone calls and went home. But, I don't plan on seeing her again. So I suppose we did end things, but more like, *I* ended things. And that felt pretty damn good if you ask me.
Why would it feel good about losing my soulmate? 'Cause she's a.. Hmm. Bitch was the first word that came to mind, but I don't know if it is the right one. She's young, immature, completely insensitive and unwilling to work at making our relationship into a happy one. She would rather fight and argue than to listen to reason, and be reasonable.
So, it's done. And hell, I feel fine.
Kind of a long story, and I'm not thrilled about having to remember all the details so I can write them down here, so I'm not sure if I should. Still sipping on my coffee and having a cigarette while I mull over how I'm going to be doing this.
This.. is an uncomfortable thing to admit, but Fola.. Doesn't seem like a good person to me.
It's one of these intuitive things. Where someone pretends something on the surface, but inside they are exactly the opposite of what they're trying to show. I think Fola is one of those people, who put on this.. mentality, I guess I should say, of her thinking that she is adjusted and is in tune with the world. Sensitive. Compassionate. Wise. Progressive. Take your pick, it's all a sham.
A sham I tells ya.
Funny how with the intense fight we were having yesterday over text, she would not budge. It was our first official month together and I was trying my best not to let it affect our moods; but hey, she started it with that email, and wouldn't let up. No matter how much I tried.
She wanted a fight, she got it. But she really underestimated my spirit and capability to systematically pick her argument apart until they're nothing but a series of petty points coming from a mind that is unable to formulate a rational defence of them, and also, a mind unable to even articulate these so-called points.
In short, it was easy to "win" this argument we were having with her. Even if Fola would be saying that I didn't win anything, and that it is not about winning and that winning is an egotistical thing and yada yada.
Don't give a shit what she thinks. She's gone. Buh-bye. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
But, guess what?
I'm still #winning.
The most appropriate songs to be listening to at this moment, is "Hard to Find" by the National. Followed by "10th Circle of Winnipeg" by Venetian Snares.
Well, the world isn't quite over according to Venetian Snares. Not by a long shot.
But Fola's world certainly seems to be, now that I'm no longer willing to be a part of it.
I'll miss her daughter Ivy, and her dog Zoey; but, I will be fine without them. Without her.
There is a real darkness around this woman. I had to think about this carefully on the way home, and asked myself that if she was my soulmate, why was she this way? Why was she so angry over nothing? And I literally mean nothing, as I've accounted for each and every one of her grievances and explained each of them to her. Even if she exaggerated a few of her complaints. Such as me "groping" her ass in public. Ahem, I did not grope your ass. And besides, there was no one around inside of the store we were in to see my giving her a brief tickle of her butt while she bent over looking at some book. She can't take a little playful, flirtatious behaviour? Well, fuck you then. All worried about your personal boundaries when you've had my dick in your mouth. Give me a break.
(sighs) .. I really am not angry. More disappointed than anything, at the moment. Guess she wasn't ready, and I was right. She's in this relationship with me for either the wrong reasons, or she's not ready. And now I'm thinking it's both. She's not ready and is in all this for the wrong reasons.
What did I want from this relationship, she asked? Love, I said. Just want to be loved. That's it. Don't care if you never get divorced if we don't have kids. If I don't feel loved by you, then I'm hasta la vista, baby. Ain't nobody got time for dat shit.
Why waste my time and energy on someone that doesn't appreciate it? I'm not a goddamn slave. I should be getting stuff back, and all I ask for, is.. well, love. Actually, I'm not even asking for it. I need it. That's why I'm in this relationship. Not for sex. Or friendship. Love. Not an unreasonable thing to be wanting, is it?
Still kind of love her actually. But it's at a much lesser intensity than it was. And that's fine by me. No remorse, or guilt on my part, and I'm sure Fola is going to be having a hard time dealing with those things over the next little while. Her own personal hell, as she explains to her sister and Larry why I'm not seeing her anymore.
I wonder what explanation will she come up with. Because I didn't leave her with anything. She tried to pull the "control" card on me towards the end there; saying that if I left and walked away, then it was still me trying to "control" her. And I had to laugh, because there would be no way I would *win* on those terms. I'd always be trying to "control" her. Me being the patriarchy, its what we do best. Oppressing and enslaving women. Of course it's all about me trying to control her. (rolls eyes)
It's amazing how thick-headed and clueless she was. How incapable of compassion and sensitivity she is. I really would love to post the entirety of our text conversation yesterday, but that stuff would fill a small pamphlet. I will be saving it all and keeping it someplace secure, of course. Just for posterity's sake. I don't want to forget any of all this, and this truly has been a pivotal moment in my life. And hers, as well.
She's looked that gift horse in the mouth much too deeply and longer than she needed to, and I'm pretty offended by that. Was even more offended when she suggested I enjoyed hurting people, which is what made me storm out of the McDonalds. That was the second time she's made the implication, and it was the second time I took grave offense. As I should be. No apologies from her both of these times, either. Figures. She would never give me a proper apology, and tried to act all butt hurt when I told her...
(sighs) never mind. It doesn't matter. What happened last night had to happen, and I played my part well. I had reasonable arguments, backed up with facts and she basically had fucking nothing. It was like a full house going up against a pair of uhm, deuces. Shit hand. She wasn't going to bluff me with that crap.
And she didn't. Had this been a game of poker, I went all-in and won the pot.
And you know what? All this felt really fucking easy. I was so surprised. I thought maybe I would have a hard time last night in making sure I didn't mess up somehow. But, it really wasn't that hard. I said exactly what I needed to say, in the best possible way, with no room for ambiguity. Any third person listening in, would probably have taken my side, because who would agree with someone who responds with a shrug of indifference and a, "I dunno" when it comes to my asking her why she was so angry and upset with me the past 24 hours.
"I dunno," *shrug*
When I left that place after she insulted me for the last time, I dropped off a gift for our monthiversary on the hood of her car. It was a coffee mug with Gustav Klimt's "The Kiss" on it. I had originally bought it in the summer at the Edmonton art gallery, but didn't know what to do with it. I thought at one point I would be giving it to Gina, so I wrapped it up and never really was able to do that. It wasn't until yesterday at the Junque Cellar when Fola was admiring a tea set with Klimt and Van Gogh pictures; that I knew she would be getting this teacup.
"You don't like those ones there?" I asked her, as she was admiring them.
"I want the one with the Kiss" she says, even going so far as asking the cashier if she had it. No, she responded, that was the last of their stock.
Inside, I was smiling, knowing that I already had this cup at home in my closet, waiting for the perfect time to be given away. Little did I know, it would be the very next day.
Our monthiversary. One month together. I can't believe how slow and how long those 30 days have come and went. This is easily the most intense of any relationship I've ever been involved with. Including Lauren. We..
(sighs)
Time for a cigarette break. Not sure what else I want to write here.
These pathetic texts... Swear to God, thats not how you win anybody back...
Haven't checked my voice mail to see what the two messages she left were. Really don't give a shit, but I will have to check them eventually. I imagine they suck about as bad those texts. How does sending me a link to a song solve anything? Is that your way of saying sorry? Pathetic. You wound the fuck out of me and you think a link to a song I've already heard is going to fix things? Good luck. Take your cluelessness elsewhere.
After all I've said, after all I've been wanting to offer her, after all we've shared together; thats the best she could come up with. As Trump would say, "Sad!"
Sad, indeed.
Fola told me once about how in December, she started making it a goal of hers to attract love and magic into her life. To feel unconditional love. Well, I told her, she got it with me. I was willing to give her love, and magic was happening around us regardless. The Northern Lights comes to mind.
Wasn't enough for her. And that's not my problem. She got what she asked for, and I didn't. All I wanted was to be loved by the woman of my dreams.
Whoever she is.
Wherever she is.
...
Driving home last night.. I started thinking of Gina, again.
God.. I..
I miss her.
I haven't forgotten her. I haven't stopped loving her, even though I hadn't thought of her in a little while.
Fola asked me if I could love someone who didn't love me back, and I said after a long pause, "yes, yes I could. And I have."
Asking her further questions, revealed that she has no idea what love really is. Even though she's married and claims to love her husband. She doesn't know. I tried explaining to her that since I was eight years older, I had more a head start and insight into this kind of thing. In the past, what I thought was love was at a level much lower than it is now. Dating as much as I have, it began to show me where love really was on the hierarchy of feelings. There were times when I *thought* I loved someone, but time later proved it wrong. I now know where the bar is for that. It's up here (mimes with hands) and not down here (double mimes) like it is with Fola.
Fola doesn't love me. I'm 100% sure of it. Well, maybe 99%. I'll give her 1% of my doubt, even though that might actually be too generous of a number.
Well.. it's a new day, a new dawn and a new life.
And I'm feeling good.
Not sure where I'm going to be going next. But so far it has been working out.
Wish I could feel more excited, but I know in time I will be.
I've managed to leave this relationship with my dignity intact. Can't say the same for Fola.
So.
I've won.
#stillwinning
bitches.
Monday, February 20, 2017
98 Problems
Hmm. Fola and I are having kind of a serious tiff at the moment, still lingering from yesterday and I don't know what I should be doing about it. If anything.
It started actually yesterday morning, when we first met at the Witchery festival and as I was walking up and saw her, I felt compelled to give her a hug and she responded with this awkward embrace that somewhat irked me. It was as if I was a nuisance or pest of some kind. But, I shrugged it off, and we went inside.
It was a pretty good time. Small area, but some interesting items and people inside of it. One lady who I bought a chunk of Amethyst from, engaged me in conversation and we got onto the topic of mindfulness, to which I recommended she read up on Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" which I think is a pretty good book. Dude speaks like a robot, but damn, is he ever living in the moment.
Also passed on a tip, suggesting she keeps a blog or journal going. Just to help with the whole idea of being "present" and focusing on the good things that happen each day. Told her that's pretty much the reason why I keep my blog, to slow my days down and examine my thoughts. As they say, the unexamined life is not worth living.
Anyways, after this festival, Fola and I checked out the Junque Cellar where I got myself a pretty cool sweater and a book (The Hermetica), and she was insistent that I drive her to her car from my car, so we walked over to where I was parked and as she got in, I found it hilarious that my car was a bit of a cluttered mess. I wasn't expecting anyone in the passenger seat, so I had a bunch of stuff sitting on there that I planned on giving to my mom, and some stuff like a box of kleenex, coupons, things like that. Fola was immediately surprised when she saw all this, and I laughed, saying that she probably thought I was an OCD neat freak when I really wasn't. My house matters more to me than my car, thats for sure.
With that all done, she had to go to work and I putted about Bonnie Doon mall for a bit. All the HMVs are closing, so they had a sale there. Picked up a sweet set of Virtual Reality glasses for my mom at the stupidly low price of twenty bucks. Couple shirts from there too, 12 bucks a piece and I then went to a store that Fola suggested which sold a bunch of New Age stuff. Turns out, everything in there was 50% off, so I snagged a few things, like this sweet Thoth statue:
And that tapestry underneath it. Looks pretty good on my bedroom wall. Fifty bucks for the statue, 13 bucks for the tapestry. Of course, I had to get a bunch of other stuff too, since everything was 50% off.
From there, I was supposed to meet my mom for dim sum, but she delayed it by an hour, and because I wasn't willing to hang out in the city for another two hours; I decided to drop off those glasses I got for her and then take off for home.
Later in the evening, I told Fola about how I felt that she didn't love me. That I didn't feel loved by her. And I felt like I had a strong case going for myself. Her reluctance to hug or kiss me while out in public was the thing that kickstarted all this nonsense, and I ended up getting an email from her this morning about ... (sighs) a whole bunch of dumb complaints.
She doesn't want to touch or kiss in public. She doesn't like how I was suspicious of this hypnotherapist guy she emailed and how he invited her out for lunch (or supper) without ever having met her. Dude was probably single, I figured, and looking to get something going. I also didn't appreciate seeing in his email that he was inspired by Carlos Castaneda, because I don't believe that guy was truthful at all about anything he wrote. His whole thing is a sham. A clever and inspiring one, to be sure, but a sham nonetheless. It doesn't help either that he was in multiple relationships after publishing these books, and his partners were claiming abuse and control issues by him. So, yeah. Castaneda isn't exactly the kind of author I would put trust into. And neither would I trust someone who was "inspired" by his work, because it suggests a level of naivety that potentially is dangerous. Wouldn't want Fola to be influenced or manipulated by someone who doesn't "get it".
So.. Pfbt. Now this email she wrote me.. Well, it was a powder keg. I told her I wasn't going to respond. And explained why. Now we have this weirdness going, where she knows I love her and want to be with her, but now its becoming more and more apparent that she does not love me, and was using me all along.
And, that's fine. I'll just pack up my toys and go home if that is the case. Don't need that kind of bullshit. Even if she is my soulmate, or whatever.
I'm actually confident enough to live my life without her, even if she might be convinced otherwise and thinks I'm wrapped around her little finger. Clinging on for dear life.
Nope.
I remember one of my lessons. Never live your life for another woman. Put yourself first. Put YOUR best interests at heart, first, and then worry about other people.
So, thats what I'm going to be doing. Putting my best interests first.
I don't need Fola. I want her, and I want her to love me in the way I'm loving her; but I'm not going to pressure her to do that. Nor am I going to make demands or suggestions that she should, if she genuinely doesn't feel that way. It ain't my bag, baby.
So, as of this moment, I'm actually prepared to move on. Don't need drama or stress in my life. And if my soulmate is unwilling to work with me to solve our issues; then so be it. Good bye, and see you in the next life.
Or whenever she decides to grow up and be ready for what I'd like to offer her.
Otherwise, no sweat off my back if she is unwilling or not ready.
I can wait. Plan is still in motion. Life is still being kind to me. My day was pretty good for the most part, without talking to her much. I've pimped out my bedroom a bit, by hanging up that tapestry I got and hanging up another one that I haven't found a place for. Check this out.
Sweet goodness. And here it is with the light from the speaker.
That's some serious Feng Shui I got going on for sure. Love how it all looks. Can't really think of much else I can do to improve on that. Maybe a third tapestry on the left, who knows.
And.. now, Fola and I are texting and despite my attempts to steer the conversation away from our issues; she really is adamant about dealing with them. So, looks like I'll be meeting her tonight for some kind of shit show, probably. Not that I actually care whats going to happen. Either way'll be fine by me.
See, I really like this about myself. This confidence in knowing that I can walk away any time from her, or any woman who wants to put me under her thumb; and not give a fuck afterwards. Such a huge step up from how I once was, where I would mope about it and take things personally. Glad that seems to be all going away.
Whatever happens, happens.
That's my motto.
And whatever happens, is exactly what needs to happen. Even if it might be the worst thing to happen.
I'm prepared to deal with whatever it might end up being. Probably will blog about this tomorrow, since I doubt this will be any less than monumental and a critical juncture in our relationship.
Comes down to pretty much whether or not she's ready to give me what I need from her. Love. To be loved by her when I'm giving her all of mine; is not an unreasonable thing to be wanting. I'm patient. It doesn't have to happen overnight. But I do need to know it will happen at some point. I need to see steps being taken. Effort being made. Not just words. Actions will always speak louder than words.
So, yeah.
Fuck her if she won't love me. But if she wants to, and is simply not ready...
Then I can wait.
I've been waiting a long ass time.
It started actually yesterday morning, when we first met at the Witchery festival and as I was walking up and saw her, I felt compelled to give her a hug and she responded with this awkward embrace that somewhat irked me. It was as if I was a nuisance or pest of some kind. But, I shrugged it off, and we went inside.
It was a pretty good time. Small area, but some interesting items and people inside of it. One lady who I bought a chunk of Amethyst from, engaged me in conversation and we got onto the topic of mindfulness, to which I recommended she read up on Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" which I think is a pretty good book. Dude speaks like a robot, but damn, is he ever living in the moment.
Also passed on a tip, suggesting she keeps a blog or journal going. Just to help with the whole idea of being "present" and focusing on the good things that happen each day. Told her that's pretty much the reason why I keep my blog, to slow my days down and examine my thoughts. As they say, the unexamined life is not worth living.
Anyways, after this festival, Fola and I checked out the Junque Cellar where I got myself a pretty cool sweater and a book (The Hermetica), and she was insistent that I drive her to her car from my car, so we walked over to where I was parked and as she got in, I found it hilarious that my car was a bit of a cluttered mess. I wasn't expecting anyone in the passenger seat, so I had a bunch of stuff sitting on there that I planned on giving to my mom, and some stuff like a box of kleenex, coupons, things like that. Fola was immediately surprised when she saw all this, and I laughed, saying that she probably thought I was an OCD neat freak when I really wasn't. My house matters more to me than my car, thats for sure.
With that all done, she had to go to work and I putted about Bonnie Doon mall for a bit. All the HMVs are closing, so they had a sale there. Picked up a sweet set of Virtual Reality glasses for my mom at the stupidly low price of twenty bucks. Couple shirts from there too, 12 bucks a piece and I then went to a store that Fola suggested which sold a bunch of New Age stuff. Turns out, everything in there was 50% off, so I snagged a few things, like this sweet Thoth statue:
From there, I was supposed to meet my mom for dim sum, but she delayed it by an hour, and because I wasn't willing to hang out in the city for another two hours; I decided to drop off those glasses I got for her and then take off for home.
Later in the evening, I told Fola about how I felt that she didn't love me. That I didn't feel loved by her. And I felt like I had a strong case going for myself. Her reluctance to hug or kiss me while out in public was the thing that kickstarted all this nonsense, and I ended up getting an email from her this morning about ... (sighs) a whole bunch of dumb complaints.
She doesn't want to touch or kiss in public. She doesn't like how I was suspicious of this hypnotherapist guy she emailed and how he invited her out for lunch (or supper) without ever having met her. Dude was probably single, I figured, and looking to get something going. I also didn't appreciate seeing in his email that he was inspired by Carlos Castaneda, because I don't believe that guy was truthful at all about anything he wrote. His whole thing is a sham. A clever and inspiring one, to be sure, but a sham nonetheless. It doesn't help either that he was in multiple relationships after publishing these books, and his partners were claiming abuse and control issues by him. So, yeah. Castaneda isn't exactly the kind of author I would put trust into. And neither would I trust someone who was "inspired" by his work, because it suggests a level of naivety that potentially is dangerous. Wouldn't want Fola to be influenced or manipulated by someone who doesn't "get it".
So.. Pfbt. Now this email she wrote me.. Well, it was a powder keg. I told her I wasn't going to respond. And explained why. Now we have this weirdness going, where she knows I love her and want to be with her, but now its becoming more and more apparent that she does not love me, and was using me all along.
And, that's fine. I'll just pack up my toys and go home if that is the case. Don't need that kind of bullshit. Even if she is my soulmate, or whatever.
I'm actually confident enough to live my life without her, even if she might be convinced otherwise and thinks I'm wrapped around her little finger. Clinging on for dear life.
Nope.
I remember one of my lessons. Never live your life for another woman. Put yourself first. Put YOUR best interests at heart, first, and then worry about other people.
So, thats what I'm going to be doing. Putting my best interests first.
I don't need Fola. I want her, and I want her to love me in the way I'm loving her; but I'm not going to pressure her to do that. Nor am I going to make demands or suggestions that she should, if she genuinely doesn't feel that way. It ain't my bag, baby.
So, as of this moment, I'm actually prepared to move on. Don't need drama or stress in my life. And if my soulmate is unwilling to work with me to solve our issues; then so be it. Good bye, and see you in the next life.
Or whenever she decides to grow up and be ready for what I'd like to offer her.
Otherwise, no sweat off my back if she is unwilling or not ready.
I can wait. Plan is still in motion. Life is still being kind to me. My day was pretty good for the most part, without talking to her much. I've pimped out my bedroom a bit, by hanging up that tapestry I got and hanging up another one that I haven't found a place for. Check this out.
Sweet goodness. And here it is with the light from the speaker.
That's some serious Feng Shui I got going on for sure. Love how it all looks. Can't really think of much else I can do to improve on that. Maybe a third tapestry on the left, who knows.
And.. now, Fola and I are texting and despite my attempts to steer the conversation away from our issues; she really is adamant about dealing with them. So, looks like I'll be meeting her tonight for some kind of shit show, probably. Not that I actually care whats going to happen. Either way'll be fine by me.
See, I really like this about myself. This confidence in knowing that I can walk away any time from her, or any woman who wants to put me under her thumb; and not give a fuck afterwards. Such a huge step up from how I once was, where I would mope about it and take things personally. Glad that seems to be all going away.
Whatever happens, happens.
That's my motto.
And whatever happens, is exactly what needs to happen. Even if it might be the worst thing to happen.
I'm prepared to deal with whatever it might end up being. Probably will blog about this tomorrow, since I doubt this will be any less than monumental and a critical juncture in our relationship.
Comes down to pretty much whether or not she's ready to give me what I need from her. Love. To be loved by her when I'm giving her all of mine; is not an unreasonable thing to be wanting. I'm patient. It doesn't have to happen overnight. But I do need to know it will happen at some point. I need to see steps being taken. Effort being made. Not just words. Actions will always speak louder than words.
So, yeah.
Fuck her if she won't love me. But if she wants to, and is simply not ready...
Then I can wait.
I've been waiting a long ass time.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Bright Lights
My bedroom is looking more and more dope.
Figured I should mention in this post that Fola tested negative for STDs.
Now, to get ready to see her again.
Let the games begin.
Word Salads
Well, 'tis be another day, got up early at 6am this morning for whatever reason I don't understand, and here I am, prepared to meet Fola a little later on to go to this Witchery market thing, and her husband and daughter will be coming along as well, much to my initial surprise.
She was at a rave party last night, and, yeah.
See, the thing about this "relationship" I'm in, is that it feels so one-sided and unfulfilled. Well, maybe not soooo unfulfilled, but unfulfilled regardless. She has her own life, she has her own family, and.. I don't. Not really. I'm the monogamous guy who is willing to commit to her, and she is the opposite. No monogamy. No commitment. She can't even decide what her "thing" is, going from "polyamory" to what she told me on the phone last night, "non-monogamous".
How the hell am I supposed to introduce her to my mother? "Hey mom, this is Fola. She's married, and has a kid, but we're sleeping together. That's okay though, she's 'non-monogamous' and yeah, we probably won't get married or have a kid; but I'm going to stop dating other girls because she's the right one for me."
What a load of... ahaha.. (points up) Yeah, cosmic joke again.
Well, whatever. I'm just going to accept this for what it is, and.. well.. just take things as they come. Do I want to get married and have kids and expect my wife to be monogamous? Yeah, of course. But I'm not going to demand it. And not of her. She has to willingly be wanting those things as much as I do.
The Leading Bird by Marketa Irglova just came on over my headphones. Terrific song. Lyrics are very appropriate right now.
So, I'm really doing a poor job of keeping my blog updated with my thoughts and going-ons lately. Particularly with Fola, as she is.. I'm sort of embarrassed to admit; the most important thing in my life at the moment.
I wonder if I'm the same to her, but I doubt it. She won't even hold my hand in public. Her moods are fickle. One day she's grumpy and restrained, and when I start to pull back a bit and slow down my affections for her; she grows more warmer, and expressive with herself. I get little emoticon hearts in my texts when she feels like I'm pulling away or losing interest in her.
It's a gong show, I tell you. Being involved with this type of "progressive" woman who thinks its okay to support the 80 pronoun bill of legislation that mandates university professors like Jordan Peterson to address people by whatever of those 80 made up words they desire to be called by. And then fining or throwing his ass in jail if he doesn't comply. He or She simply aren't good enough. Got to use Ze, and Zer,. Fola of course, thinks its okay! People should be called whatever they want.
I can see where her sentiments lie, and I appreciate the intent behind them. But at the same time, they are naive and characteristic of a matriarchal rule where everyone is coddled and talked down to like babies in distress. Comply or die. Particularly if you are a white male who represents the patriarchy of which despite most of the progress our civilization has made because of ambitious white males; they're still oppressive and their time has come. Ironically, I am a white male that Fola is sleeping with. Odd how she's accepted my patriarchal ways but not "the" patriarchy in general. Such crock.
Fola represents exactly the mindset of most millennial and liberal types that are all about inclusiveness, free love, and destruction of traditions that have served humanity well, even if they are somewhat flawed and need to be updated.
(sighs) I'm not going to go into a detailed rant on exactly what those traditions are, and yada yada. Fola.. hates labels and having to wear a ring on her finger because she's "marked" by it. Yet, she's fine with taking a vow of monogamy and getting married and then breaking those vows as if they were no thang. Then has the gall to say that marriage is a dumb idea in general because of the divorce rate, etc. Yeah, it is a dumb idea, when you are NOT abiding by the oath you have each sworn. It's a dumb idea when you get married young and have no idea what you want from life, or if your partner is even the right one for you. It's dumb when you think getting married is something everyone should do, and you feel pressured enough to go through with it. It's dumb for a lot of reasons that have little to do with the original intention behind the concept. That's what irritates me. If you think marriage is such a dumb idea and that wearing rings are dumb; then why are you married? Shouldn't oaths matter? Shouldn't marriage be more than just a piece of paper and a sign of commitment to the one you love? I'd think so. But then again, I haven't been married, so maybe I am being completely naive about what its supposed to be for.
So now, I'm thinking I need to break Fola's grip on me. Or just loosen it up somewhat. I have to.. I can't just commit myself to someone who doesn't want to commit to me, can I? Is that.. really what I want? It's not. But, a deep part of myself is telling me to stick it out and that maybe she will change her views somehow. Maybe she will respect where I am coming from. Maybe she will get divorced and take a chance with me. I don't know. But accepting that possibility means also to accept the opposite. That she will never do any of those things.
I honestly don't know how good my chances are with her. I personally think we are a pretty good match. Probably a perfect match, even. And this friction between us will abate over a long enough period of time. Again, I don't know if that will happen either. In the way I would like it to.
So, there are definitely forces in play here. That envelope was left on my car while Fola and I went grocery shopping on Wednesday together. I still have yet to check the website, but I do know that she didn't get this envelope, and nobody else seemed to when I checked their windshields.
And of course, Fola found it interesting that when we walked in and she asked me what did I need, I said "toilet paper". And what happens while we were pushing the cart around? A bundle of toilet paper was just laying on the ground in our path. Clearly someone dropped it, but I picked it up and put it in the cart with a smirk. Fola was impressed.
Small stuff like that seems to be happening quite a bit. And yeah, I haven't been keeping this blog updated as well as I would like to.
Here's her meditating on that night she came over and we felt those weird energies going between us. I haven't told her I've taken this picture, but I absolutely had to. She looked so peaceful and filled with love that it moved me enough to do so.
Oh, and here is our grocery photo.
(sighs)
Why do I feel like such a chump being taken for a ride? Again, I don't know. But I do know that I should stop stressing out about it and just relax. It is a ride, after all, and who knows. Maybe it will end sooner than expected, or maybe it will last indefinitely. I don't know. Maybe we'll get married, and maybe we won't. I don't know. Maybe she'll have a child by me someday. I don't know that either.
Who the fuck knows.
I'm going to be trusting my higher self and the universe on this. This is at the moment, the flow of least resistance. I'm just happy not to have to be on any dating sites talking to random girls who are shallow and have little to offer. At least in the proportion of what I would be able to offer them.
Even though Fola hasn't given me everything I've wanted, I'm still happy with her. Although I'm reminded at times that "Larry" is going to be coming home soon, and that means its my time to leave. Or that she is still interested in seeing and having sex with other people that aren't me. Not an easy thing to live with, but so far I'm doing okay.
Talk about a clash of ideology, this is managed chaos at its finest. Absolute Yin & Yang, where two complementary energies are more so or less living in a harmonious way.
More or less.
And the universe apparently approves of our union, so, there's that as well. Got to keep on keeping on. It's all I can do right now until something or someone comes along to push me into a different direction.
Until then, I will persevere and endure.
And learn. Learn as much as I can from all this. Appreciate all of our good moments, and try to minimize the bad ones.
But, yeah. I need my own life. I can't make her my sole focus.
I...
I kind of deserve better, don't I?
At the same time, this is exactly what I deserve and have asked for. Except it's not going to happen all at once. It's a process of unfoldment. All good things come to he who waits, and my issues with Fola is as much an integral part of this process as anything else.
My patience is being tested, as is my compassion and other things. So, I can't complain when I know I am becoming a better person. This is exactly what needs to happen, at this exact time. I refuse to pull away from it, or deny the necessity of it all.
I will continue following the plan.
To my death, if possible.
Which hopefully, won't be for a long long time.
(crosses fingers)
Oh, universe.
You've got quite the sense of humour.
She was at a rave party last night, and, yeah.
See, the thing about this "relationship" I'm in, is that it feels so one-sided and unfulfilled. Well, maybe not soooo unfulfilled, but unfulfilled regardless. She has her own life, she has her own family, and.. I don't. Not really. I'm the monogamous guy who is willing to commit to her, and she is the opposite. No monogamy. No commitment. She can't even decide what her "thing" is, going from "polyamory" to what she told me on the phone last night, "non-monogamous".
How the hell am I supposed to introduce her to my mother? "Hey mom, this is Fola. She's married, and has a kid, but we're sleeping together. That's okay though, she's 'non-monogamous' and yeah, we probably won't get married or have a kid; but I'm going to stop dating other girls because she's the right one for me."
What a load of... ahaha.. (points up) Yeah, cosmic joke again.
Well, whatever. I'm just going to accept this for what it is, and.. well.. just take things as they come. Do I want to get married and have kids and expect my wife to be monogamous? Yeah, of course. But I'm not going to demand it. And not of her. She has to willingly be wanting those things as much as I do.
The Leading Bird by Marketa Irglova just came on over my headphones. Terrific song. Lyrics are very appropriate right now.
So, I'm really doing a poor job of keeping my blog updated with my thoughts and going-ons lately. Particularly with Fola, as she is.. I'm sort of embarrassed to admit; the most important thing in my life at the moment.
I wonder if I'm the same to her, but I doubt it. She won't even hold my hand in public. Her moods are fickle. One day she's grumpy and restrained, and when I start to pull back a bit and slow down my affections for her; she grows more warmer, and expressive with herself. I get little emoticon hearts in my texts when she feels like I'm pulling away or losing interest in her.
It's a gong show, I tell you. Being involved with this type of "progressive" woman who thinks its okay to support the 80 pronoun bill of legislation that mandates university professors like Jordan Peterson to address people by whatever of those 80 made up words they desire to be called by. And then fining or throwing his ass in jail if he doesn't comply. He or She simply aren't good enough. Got to use Ze, and Zer,. Fola of course, thinks its okay! People should be called whatever they want.
I can see where her sentiments lie, and I appreciate the intent behind them. But at the same time, they are naive and characteristic of a matriarchal rule where everyone is coddled and talked down to like babies in distress. Comply or die. Particularly if you are a white male who represents the patriarchy of which despite most of the progress our civilization has made because of ambitious white males; they're still oppressive and their time has come. Ironically, I am a white male that Fola is sleeping with. Odd how she's accepted my patriarchal ways but not "the" patriarchy in general. Such crock.
Fola represents exactly the mindset of most millennial and liberal types that are all about inclusiveness, free love, and destruction of traditions that have served humanity well, even if they are somewhat flawed and need to be updated.
(sighs) I'm not going to go into a detailed rant on exactly what those traditions are, and yada yada. Fola.. hates labels and having to wear a ring on her finger because she's "marked" by it. Yet, she's fine with taking a vow of monogamy and getting married and then breaking those vows as if they were no thang. Then has the gall to say that marriage is a dumb idea in general because of the divorce rate, etc. Yeah, it is a dumb idea, when you are NOT abiding by the oath you have each sworn. It's a dumb idea when you get married young and have no idea what you want from life, or if your partner is even the right one for you. It's dumb when you think getting married is something everyone should do, and you feel pressured enough to go through with it. It's dumb for a lot of reasons that have little to do with the original intention behind the concept. That's what irritates me. If you think marriage is such a dumb idea and that wearing rings are dumb; then why are you married? Shouldn't oaths matter? Shouldn't marriage be more than just a piece of paper and a sign of commitment to the one you love? I'd think so. But then again, I haven't been married, so maybe I am being completely naive about what its supposed to be for.
So now, I'm thinking I need to break Fola's grip on me. Or just loosen it up somewhat. I have to.. I can't just commit myself to someone who doesn't want to commit to me, can I? Is that.. really what I want? It's not. But, a deep part of myself is telling me to stick it out and that maybe she will change her views somehow. Maybe she will respect where I am coming from. Maybe she will get divorced and take a chance with me. I don't know. But accepting that possibility means also to accept the opposite. That she will never do any of those things.
I honestly don't know how good my chances are with her. I personally think we are a pretty good match. Probably a perfect match, even. And this friction between us will abate over a long enough period of time. Again, I don't know if that will happen either. In the way I would like it to.
So, there are definitely forces in play here. That envelope was left on my car while Fola and I went grocery shopping on Wednesday together. I still have yet to check the website, but I do know that she didn't get this envelope, and nobody else seemed to when I checked their windshields.
And of course, Fola found it interesting that when we walked in and she asked me what did I need, I said "toilet paper". And what happens while we were pushing the cart around? A bundle of toilet paper was just laying on the ground in our path. Clearly someone dropped it, but I picked it up and put it in the cart with a smirk. Fola was impressed.
Small stuff like that seems to be happening quite a bit. And yeah, I haven't been keeping this blog updated as well as I would like to.
Oh, and here is our grocery photo.
Why do I feel like such a chump being taken for a ride? Again, I don't know. But I do know that I should stop stressing out about it and just relax. It is a ride, after all, and who knows. Maybe it will end sooner than expected, or maybe it will last indefinitely. I don't know. Maybe we'll get married, and maybe we won't. I don't know. Maybe she'll have a child by me someday. I don't know that either.
Who the fuck knows.
I'm going to be trusting my higher self and the universe on this. This is at the moment, the flow of least resistance. I'm just happy not to have to be on any dating sites talking to random girls who are shallow and have little to offer. At least in the proportion of what I would be able to offer them.
Even though Fola hasn't given me everything I've wanted, I'm still happy with her. Although I'm reminded at times that "Larry" is going to be coming home soon, and that means its my time to leave. Or that she is still interested in seeing and having sex with other people that aren't me. Not an easy thing to live with, but so far I'm doing okay.
Talk about a clash of ideology, this is managed chaos at its finest. Absolute Yin & Yang, where two complementary energies are more so or less living in a harmonious way.
More or less.
And the universe apparently approves of our union, so, there's that as well. Got to keep on keeping on. It's all I can do right now until something or someone comes along to push me into a different direction.
Until then, I will persevere and endure.
And learn. Learn as much as I can from all this. Appreciate all of our good moments, and try to minimize the bad ones.
But, yeah. I need my own life. I can't make her my sole focus.
I...
I kind of deserve better, don't I?
At the same time, this is exactly what I deserve and have asked for. Except it's not going to happen all at once. It's a process of unfoldment. All good things come to he who waits, and my issues with Fola is as much an integral part of this process as anything else.
My patience is being tested, as is my compassion and other things. So, I can't complain when I know I am becoming a better person. This is exactly what needs to happen, at this exact time. I refuse to pull away from it, or deny the necessity of it all.
I will continue following the plan.
To my death, if possible.
Which hopefully, won't be for a long long time.
(crosses fingers)
Oh, universe.
You've got quite the sense of humour.
Friday, February 17, 2017
In The Air Tonight
Wow, I mean, wow-zers.
Last night was magical, there was just something in the air that night that I will remember for a long time, and so will Fola, since she was there with me when it all happened.
We had a bit of an argument last night after having sex, about basically, character flaws both of us possess but don't want to apologize for/correct kind of thing; so, I was at the front door about to head home in a kind of foul mood, when I suggested we sit on her front steps and enjoy my vapourizer (with vanilla custard flavor) before I leave.
I think we were out there for an hour. As I got to my car to retrieve my vape, I took along a blanket and wrapped it around ourselves as we sat there, watching the sky and talking. Zoey, Fola's dog, was on a retractable leash kind of running around here and there.
And we were still sort of feeling the effects of our argument, traces of hostility when Fola pointed at the sky and asked, "aren't those the Northern Lights?"
Looking, I could see a wisp of light, but it was inconclusive. Could've been light pollution, except it wasn't. As we observed that little wisp, it gradually grew brighter, until there was no mistaking what it was. The Northern Lights.
And, it was incredible. The light became really bright, and the subdued yellow/green started swirling around and took our breath away. The hostility we felt earlier, was evaporated in the sight of what we were seeing. I let out a, "holy shit" and we admitted to one another that we felt a bit of fear in seeing those lights swirl around. It felt like... overly majestic, if that makes any sense. Like something was about to "happen", like a nuclear bomb going off and the world ending. It was that profound and captivating and..
Yeah, wow-zers. Thats what it was.
The lights then dissipated and just when I started coming to my senses, I hear Fola gasp and then, a shooting star appeared. It went straight down from the sky. This bright luminous orb that became unhinged and plummeted to the earth.
Signs. We were so perplexed at how we saw both the lights and the star, that we wondered if it was all "planned" and that our argument earlier, was necessary, so that we would both be on the front porch at the right time to be able to see those things.
That's last night. Now, the night before...
Energies. Crackling energies swirling around our naked bodies.
Fola.. (sighs) ..
Okay, I feel odd and overwhelmed just thinking about it, but I have to confess that I did try a pot edible for the first time, and.. yeah. It was magic. Full body high, and I set up my bedroom speakers with Chromecast Audio so that I would have three separate speakers (plus a sub) pumping out tunes and filling the room with sound. Fola put on a "psybient" radio station, and...
Geez.
Still not sure how to describe that night. It feels like I should be trying harder than I am right now to really pick it all apart, and.. I find that I don't want to. I want to.. say, that some things are beyond words. Beyond reason and logic. I know that whatever happened with us on Wednesday night, was something I might never get to understand on an intellectual level. Swirling energies might have been a product of my imagination, had Fola not been there to agree with me on what I was observing and feeling.
She's me. She felt the same things I did. The same fears. The same jubilations. The same sense of awe and reverence and... yeah.
There was a moment when we were laying in bed, and I had to go to the bathroom. A long period of silence preceded the opening of my mouth to tell her just that, and once I said the first few words of, "I have to go.." Fola said the same damn thing. She had to go to the bathroom as well, and she was noticeably shocked at how we said it at the same time.
Yeah, there are magical energies out there. Yes, there are soulmates. Yes, we did experience a synergy of sorts, a melding of minds, and although it wasn't a complete meld; it was.. significant enough to merit some kind of acknowledgement. In person and on my blog here, right now.
When I tried to break down all the stuff we were feeling, to try and explain them, Fola just told me basically to accept it all, and not question it. I disagreed, and I think this is why we are such a good match for one another.
She's a feeler, I'm a thinker. She's heavily reliant on her intuition and bodily sensations; and I'm more interested in being objective, and analytical/aware about what is going on. I try to explain things, and she simply feels them. It's a pretty good combination, I'd say.
Mm. Battery is at 2% on my laptop, better wrap this up.
We did grocery shopping on Wednesday as well, and strange things happened. I'll have to write about it another time. 1% battery now.
Dave out.
Last night was magical, there was just something in the air that night that I will remember for a long time, and so will Fola, since she was there with me when it all happened.
We had a bit of an argument last night after having sex, about basically, character flaws both of us possess but don't want to apologize for/correct kind of thing; so, I was at the front door about to head home in a kind of foul mood, when I suggested we sit on her front steps and enjoy my vapourizer (with vanilla custard flavor) before I leave.
I think we were out there for an hour. As I got to my car to retrieve my vape, I took along a blanket and wrapped it around ourselves as we sat there, watching the sky and talking. Zoey, Fola's dog, was on a retractable leash kind of running around here and there.
And we were still sort of feeling the effects of our argument, traces of hostility when Fola pointed at the sky and asked, "aren't those the Northern Lights?"
Looking, I could see a wisp of light, but it was inconclusive. Could've been light pollution, except it wasn't. As we observed that little wisp, it gradually grew brighter, until there was no mistaking what it was. The Northern Lights.
And, it was incredible. The light became really bright, and the subdued yellow/green started swirling around and took our breath away. The hostility we felt earlier, was evaporated in the sight of what we were seeing. I let out a, "holy shit" and we admitted to one another that we felt a bit of fear in seeing those lights swirl around. It felt like... overly majestic, if that makes any sense. Like something was about to "happen", like a nuclear bomb going off and the world ending. It was that profound and captivating and..
Yeah, wow-zers. Thats what it was.
The lights then dissipated and just when I started coming to my senses, I hear Fola gasp and then, a shooting star appeared. It went straight down from the sky. This bright luminous orb that became unhinged and plummeted to the earth.
Signs. We were so perplexed at how we saw both the lights and the star, that we wondered if it was all "planned" and that our argument earlier, was necessary, so that we would both be on the front porch at the right time to be able to see those things.
That's last night. Now, the night before...
Energies. Crackling energies swirling around our naked bodies.
Fola.. (sighs) ..
Okay, I feel odd and overwhelmed just thinking about it, but I have to confess that I did try a pot edible for the first time, and.. yeah. It was magic. Full body high, and I set up my bedroom speakers with Chromecast Audio so that I would have three separate speakers (plus a sub) pumping out tunes and filling the room with sound. Fola put on a "psybient" radio station, and...
Geez.
Still not sure how to describe that night. It feels like I should be trying harder than I am right now to really pick it all apart, and.. I find that I don't want to. I want to.. say, that some things are beyond words. Beyond reason and logic. I know that whatever happened with us on Wednesday night, was something I might never get to understand on an intellectual level. Swirling energies might have been a product of my imagination, had Fola not been there to agree with me on what I was observing and feeling.
She's me. She felt the same things I did. The same fears. The same jubilations. The same sense of awe and reverence and... yeah.
There was a moment when we were laying in bed, and I had to go to the bathroom. A long period of silence preceded the opening of my mouth to tell her just that, and once I said the first few words of, "I have to go.." Fola said the same damn thing. She had to go to the bathroom as well, and she was noticeably shocked at how we said it at the same time.
Yeah, there are magical energies out there. Yes, there are soulmates. Yes, we did experience a synergy of sorts, a melding of minds, and although it wasn't a complete meld; it was.. significant enough to merit some kind of acknowledgement. In person and on my blog here, right now.
When I tried to break down all the stuff we were feeling, to try and explain them, Fola just told me basically to accept it all, and not question it. I disagreed, and I think this is why we are such a good match for one another.
She's a feeler, I'm a thinker. She's heavily reliant on her intuition and bodily sensations; and I'm more interested in being objective, and analytical/aware about what is going on. I try to explain things, and she simply feels them. It's a pretty good combination, I'd say.
Mm. Battery is at 2% on my laptop, better wrap this up.
We did grocery shopping on Wednesday as well, and strange things happened. I'll have to write about it another time. 1% battery now.
Dave out.
Monday, February 13, 2017
What Comes Around, Goes Around
My blog is.. sort of getting neglected. I could write about the flea market today, about the movie I took my mom to see (John Wick 2) and how she got lost and ended up watching ten minutes of Fifty Shades Darker (cringes) but..
Man, am I ever in love.
LOVE, baby. LOVE.
Saw Fola Saturday, she stayed over. Saw her Sunday morning, and now we'll be seeing each other Monday night.
It's ridiculous.
I never thought soul mates existed. When my cousin Mark was engaged to be married to Jannette (now his wife), I kind of took a double-take. I know he was dating beautiful looking women, and Jannette was really average, and a bit overweight. So, when he phoned me one day those years ago telling me the news, I had to ask him, "are you sure?". Because we already had a cousin (Greg) who went through a divorce after a few years, and there's been a few divorces in our family.
So, Mark heard my question and just said, "I'm sure. I've never been more sure."
"How do you know?" I asked. I was really concerned.
And he just said, "You just know. You know!"
And it never clicked with me back then. I just shrugged it off and shook my head on the other end of the phone. Yeah, okay, so you "know". And I then spent the next few years dating and not finding this supposed soulmate of mine.
But I finally did.
It's.. I never thought anyone would top Gina. But, someone did. And more so than I expected. Fola is spiritual, sexual, inquisitive, beautiful. She's got the stuff that I wished Gina had.
Well, Gina was beautiful in her own way, but a part of me is wondering how much of that might have been a facade. Just a, "I have to act THIS way towards him so that he'll think I'm worth being with."
(sighs) .. Trina at the flea market saw a picture of Fola and said she was beautiful and I just blurted out with agreement, saying how lucky I was.
I am lucky.
But there is no such thing as luck, actually. Gina was my turning point. Rather than crawl up into a ball and die from depression; I.. just shrugged it off. I didn't allow myself to become sad. Did I get sad? Sure. But I never ran away from it. I didn't try to suppress it very much. I knew I was sad, and that was fine, because.. well, that is exactly how I felt. Why deny the authenticity of my feelings?
And there was no.. hate or despair or self-loathing.. regret, sure. Maybe.. ok, maybe a bit of self-loathing, but generally that breakup was dramatically different than the other breakups I've been in.
I think.. well, my.. my dating life has lead up to Fola. It prepared me. The things I know about her and the type of girl she is, are things that might have confused and bewildered me in the past. But looking back, I could see all the small steps leading towards her. The black girlfriend I had once, removed all the mystique from dating a person of colour. The handful of women who were into BDSM, removed the hesitation I felt about that particular aspect of sex. I learned to become more assertive, both in the bedroom and outside of it. I learned how to have good sex. How to please my partner. What it takes to be a good boyfriend. How much confidence I am allowed to have before it turns into ignorant pride. I learned what women really want, and what it means to be a man. What compassion means. How to handle small children. All these things.. They all added up and prepared me.
But.. (sighs) .. Well, I have her, but she's married. Now what?
Again, I am the butt of a grand cosmic joke, that I'm sure of.
I suppose things will work out eventually. But I really don't know what the future has in store. I don't know what the plan is.
And I'm constantly awaiting the next big surprise, and constantly being surprised day by day with the attitude I am facing it.
Perseverance. Strength. Wisdom. Compassion. Knowledge.
All these things have been developed in me. Things that I may not have had, had I not gone through all these heartbreaks.
And.. it's amazing, really. How... Fola just arrived when I needed her the most. How she was always near to me, but I never suspected just how close she was. In the same city as I was. On OkCupid, as I was. Despite her being married.
Had she not been poly, we may not have met. But I'm sure, we would've somehow. One way or another.
So, I have to imagine that this is meant to be. We're meant to be together.
But, yeah. I am tempted to think or imagine the worse and prepare myself against it. Such as the possibility of losing her. Or.. Never getting married to her, or never having a child by her.
I don't know what the future has in store for us.
But, it brought us together, so that means something. I don't think it means I need to learn a particular lesson, but.. Maybe I still do. And maybe she does too.
I really don't know.
But.. I am happy. Like.. Just waking up in bed with her, and I feel so refreshed. So alive and switched on that I'm somewhat amazed at how we rejuvenate each other. Can't get enough of her. She can't seem to get enough of me either.
Again, it's pretty amazing.
But I also have to accept that relationships are transitory. One of us is going to die before the other, at some point in time. It may be next week, next month, next year, or not for a few more decades.
I don't know.
Nobody does. Nobody human, that is.
And.. what a can of theosophical/philosophical/spiritual worms this all presents.
This serendipity. These movements through phases of my life. They all served a purpose. They all made me into who I am today.
I remember on eHarmony getting a question from someone, asking me what I would change about something in my past. And why. I answered, "nothing, because I wouldn't be who I am today without having gone through those experiences."
And that's exactly the right answer.
I am who I am today, because of what I've gone through.
I just hope.. this all lasts. I really want it to. I want to go a couple of decades with her. Have a kid. Get married. Grow old together.
I really want it to last.
But.. I can't demand anything. I refuse to. I will ask. I will pray, but I will not demand it.
I can only request it, and cross my fingers.
Because I believe it now. There is a higher purpose, a higher intelligence out there and I am this pawn, or this rook, this king, knight, bishop, whatever... I am an integral part of everything. And everything is fitting together in exactly the right way.
I am seeing a plan unfolding that doesn't just involve me, but other people. Both in my life and outside of it.
My mom is improving. My soul is healing. I am seeing more and more couples on the streets walking around holding hands. More people smiling. More people making jokes.
The world is already becoming a better place, even if I think I may be imagining it all.
Confirmation bias is a helluva drug.
Mm.
New day tomorrow.
I'm excited.
Excited to see what it will bring.
(sighs)
Love, baby.
Love.
Man, am I ever in love.
LOVE, baby. LOVE.
Saw Fola Saturday, she stayed over. Saw her Sunday morning, and now we'll be seeing each other Monday night.
It's ridiculous.
I never thought soul mates existed. When my cousin Mark was engaged to be married to Jannette (now his wife), I kind of took a double-take. I know he was dating beautiful looking women, and Jannette was really average, and a bit overweight. So, when he phoned me one day those years ago telling me the news, I had to ask him, "are you sure?". Because we already had a cousin (Greg) who went through a divorce after a few years, and there's been a few divorces in our family.
So, Mark heard my question and just said, "I'm sure. I've never been more sure."
"How do you know?" I asked. I was really concerned.
And he just said, "You just know. You know!"
And it never clicked with me back then. I just shrugged it off and shook my head on the other end of the phone. Yeah, okay, so you "know". And I then spent the next few years dating and not finding this supposed soulmate of mine.
But I finally did.
It's.. I never thought anyone would top Gina. But, someone did. And more so than I expected. Fola is spiritual, sexual, inquisitive, beautiful. She's got the stuff that I wished Gina had.
Well, Gina was beautiful in her own way, but a part of me is wondering how much of that might have been a facade. Just a, "I have to act THIS way towards him so that he'll think I'm worth being with."
(sighs) .. Trina at the flea market saw a picture of Fola and said she was beautiful and I just blurted out with agreement, saying how lucky I was.
I am lucky.
But there is no such thing as luck, actually. Gina was my turning point. Rather than crawl up into a ball and die from depression; I.. just shrugged it off. I didn't allow myself to become sad. Did I get sad? Sure. But I never ran away from it. I didn't try to suppress it very much. I knew I was sad, and that was fine, because.. well, that is exactly how I felt. Why deny the authenticity of my feelings?
And there was no.. hate or despair or self-loathing.. regret, sure. Maybe.. ok, maybe a bit of self-loathing, but generally that breakup was dramatically different than the other breakups I've been in.
I think.. well, my.. my dating life has lead up to Fola. It prepared me. The things I know about her and the type of girl she is, are things that might have confused and bewildered me in the past. But looking back, I could see all the small steps leading towards her. The black girlfriend I had once, removed all the mystique from dating a person of colour. The handful of women who were into BDSM, removed the hesitation I felt about that particular aspect of sex. I learned to become more assertive, both in the bedroom and outside of it. I learned how to have good sex. How to please my partner. What it takes to be a good boyfriend. How much confidence I am allowed to have before it turns into ignorant pride. I learned what women really want, and what it means to be a man. What compassion means. How to handle small children. All these things.. They all added up and prepared me.
But.. (sighs) .. Well, I have her, but she's married. Now what?
Again, I am the butt of a grand cosmic joke, that I'm sure of.
I suppose things will work out eventually. But I really don't know what the future has in store. I don't know what the plan is.
And I'm constantly awaiting the next big surprise, and constantly being surprised day by day with the attitude I am facing it.
Perseverance. Strength. Wisdom. Compassion. Knowledge.
All these things have been developed in me. Things that I may not have had, had I not gone through all these heartbreaks.
And.. it's amazing, really. How... Fola just arrived when I needed her the most. How she was always near to me, but I never suspected just how close she was. In the same city as I was. On OkCupid, as I was. Despite her being married.
Had she not been poly, we may not have met. But I'm sure, we would've somehow. One way or another.
So, I have to imagine that this is meant to be. We're meant to be together.
But, yeah. I am tempted to think or imagine the worse and prepare myself against it. Such as the possibility of losing her. Or.. Never getting married to her, or never having a child by her.
I don't know what the future has in store for us.
But, it brought us together, so that means something. I don't think it means I need to learn a particular lesson, but.. Maybe I still do. And maybe she does too.
I really don't know.
But.. I am happy. Like.. Just waking up in bed with her, and I feel so refreshed. So alive and switched on that I'm somewhat amazed at how we rejuvenate each other. Can't get enough of her. She can't seem to get enough of me either.
Again, it's pretty amazing.
But I also have to accept that relationships are transitory. One of us is going to die before the other, at some point in time. It may be next week, next month, next year, or not for a few more decades.
I don't know.
Nobody does. Nobody human, that is.
And.. what a can of theosophical/philosophical/spiritual worms this all presents.
This serendipity. These movements through phases of my life. They all served a purpose. They all made me into who I am today.
I remember on eHarmony getting a question from someone, asking me what I would change about something in my past. And why. I answered, "nothing, because I wouldn't be who I am today without having gone through those experiences."
And that's exactly the right answer.
I am who I am today, because of what I've gone through.
I just hope.. this all lasts. I really want it to. I want to go a couple of decades with her. Have a kid. Get married. Grow old together.
I really want it to last.
But.. I can't demand anything. I refuse to. I will ask. I will pray, but I will not demand it.
I can only request it, and cross my fingers.
Because I believe it now. There is a higher purpose, a higher intelligence out there and I am this pawn, or this rook, this king, knight, bishop, whatever... I am an integral part of everything. And everything is fitting together in exactly the right way.
I am seeing a plan unfolding that doesn't just involve me, but other people. Both in my life and outside of it.
My mom is improving. My soul is healing. I am seeing more and more couples on the streets walking around holding hands. More people smiling. More people making jokes.
The world is already becoming a better place, even if I think I may be imagining it all.
Confirmation bias is a helluva drug.
Mm.
New day tomorrow.
I'm excited.
Excited to see what it will bring.
(sighs)
Love, baby.
Love.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Something Weird This Way Comes
Fact or fiction? You decide.
The premise: I am a part of some kind of "plan" that is shifting variables around and drawing situations to me. Leading to where? Who knows where.
So, today, Fola came over unexpectedly for a visit and told me she might have contacted an STD on Monday from her tryst with this girl and the girl's boyfriend. So she had to go get tested today, with results coming in this Monday.
Now, what is interesting is the variables. Let me explain. I'm actually too giddy to think straight, so this is probably just all nonsense.
Wednesday was that weird day when Fola invited me over for supper. I think I wrote about it, but I'm not completely sure. Anyways, to recap, her husband Larry and her sister was there, eventually they both left and we went upstairs to lay on the bed in the guest room.
Oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Prior to going upstairs, we were on the couch, and Fola's dog Zoey would for some odd reason, whine/bark whenever I tried to kiss Fola. Or to engage in anything sexual. Keep in mind, that I was hoping for some sexual action that night. But, something was really strange with Zoey. She kept.. interrupting once things began picking up momentum.
So, we go upstairs. No dog there. Now we should be free to get things going, right?
No. For some strange reason, Fola just wasn't "in the mood". At the time, I attributed it to the conversation we had earlier about what I thought of her being polyamorous. And how I don't want to get regularly tested for STDs because she's sleeping with other people, and that STDs are a real concern, and yada yada.
Interesting, huh?
Something strange is afoot, and its not a sinister force either. It seems like a benevolent one. It IS a benevolent one, I'm sure of it.
The conversation we had about STDs/polyamory, her dog acting up and us not having sex that evening; that all happened for a reason.
The thing is, all this would be especially weird if on Monday Fola does test positive for an STD. If that is the case, than it would appear that the universe was looking out for me.
If not, then.. Hmm. Still, it was prescient timing to have our STD/polyamory discussion when we did.
See, I don't think Fola should be sleeping around like she does. She claims she's picky, but still, you sleep with one couple who also sleeps with other people, and those other people are sleeping with other people, so in a way, you've had sex with 30 or more people just by having sex once with a poly couple.
Yes, she used protection, but apparently this particular STD can be transmitted orally, so.. she did give that guy a blowjob. Even though she said it was a brief period of time.
Also, we did kiss since Monday, so there is still a chance I could have picked it up. We'll see what the results will end up being.
The universe works in mysterious ways, indeed. I hesitate to use the word God, because I honestly don't know what is responsible for these small synchronicities that have occurred in the past while.
I do know something though. I love Fola. We're fated to be together. So this might all be part of the process of laying down the foundation for that to happen.
I confess, its.. going to be a bit of a journey. A big ask. She has to renounce her poly ways and get a divorce. I don't think there's any other way around it if we are truly meant to be together.
I hate saying and thinking about stuff like this. It kind of bothers me to know that stuff is happening behind the scenes to bring about an outcome that I'd actually like to have happen. Because, a part of me feels like its manipulative. But then again, everything and everyone is being manipulated by someone or something. The only question is, is it a beneficial form of manipulation? And so far, from how it has been going in the (almost) month that I've known Fola for, and even for a good part of my life now that I look back on it with fresh eyes; I really do believe good things are happening, even if they appear to be bad. I know her husband Larry is furious with her right now, and thats just the STD. He was mad at her a few days ago too, when I came over that evening and we were both in the bedroom when he arrived home.
Seems like they're fighting more frequently lately. Ugly business yes, but most likely necessary business as well.
I feel.. a little guilty at feeling excitement in typing all this. Thinking that the universe is conspiring to make us come together. To bring about the best possible outcome for everybody. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still sort of do. I don't want to celebrate what looks like bad news, even though it likely will lead to something that is of positive benefit.
Such a catch-22. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So, maybe, I will.. no. I will have to restrain my jubilation. My mounting curiosity and excitement. I still have to accept that nothing is set in stone, and that there are no guarantees in life other than death and taxes. I still need to accept that I am only a beggar having been given a twenty-dollar bill after having been broke for years. I still need to remember my roots, and how much hardship and heartbreak I've faced to get to where I am now.
I still need to remind myself that the war has not yet been won. That is has barely gotten started, and that my role in this is all yet to be determined. As will my spoils. Should I be entitled to any.
We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose.
But, I am encouraged by what is happening, that is for sure. Change is apparent, and appears to be moving quickly. Each day brings a little something new to the table. A little tweak, a little different thing to wonder about, or to learn of. Always something, as long as I am able to pay attention and keep mindful of what is going on around me.
And to continue expressing gratitude for what I have been given so far. And have been given in the past. Life. This opportunity of being alive on this planet, is the greatest gift of them all. Everything else is icing on the cake.
And I'm really enjoying the icing right now.
Just hope I get to have more of it.
And the opportunity to express my gratitude to the powers that be, which enabled for all this to happen.
This gift of life is truly the most precious thing there is. Even in dark times, when depression and anger and fear and all sorts of negativity appears to present itself; there is always an opportunity to right the ship. To steer it in a new direction. To take faith that it is going the correct way, even if it does not appear to be the case.
I believe everyone has his or her plan that has been destined for them since birth. We only need the courage to trust in it. Faith counts for nothing, if in trying times it is abandoned. Or even in prosperous times.
That what does not kill us, can only make us stronger.
From the hottest of fires, our lumps of charcoal will become diamonds. Glittering in the world. A living testament to our strength of character and belief.
I think..
Yeah.
God exists.
I... I've suffered enough.
It's time for good things now.
And I'm willing to receive them. To earn them. To hold onto them and never take them for granted.
Because I have seen what happens when I lose sight of myself. When I retreat into my shell. Pissed off at the world. Hurt. Angry. Despondent.
There was no easy solution for me to get to this point. No shortcut. I had to suffer the things that I did, so that I could be prepared for the good things to come to me down the line. Otherwise I would not appreciate them as much as I do. They would no longer be looked at, as blessings. But rather, entitlements. Or, lucky coincidences.
There is no such thing as luck.
Preparation meets opportunity.
And I have become prepared.
And I will try my best to be deserving of all that I have been given.
Once I figure out the best way I can possibly do that.
(sighs)
Listen to me, I sound like such a chump. But.. Yeah. I didn't think I would end up like this. One step removed from being a bible-thumper almost. An evangelist. That's.. not who I am.. I just believe in a force or power greater than myself that loves people. That loves this planet. That MADE this planet and everything on it.
A power that flows through each and every one of us. Living and inert beings.
A power that transcends time and space.
Call it what you will.
It exists.
The premise: I am a part of some kind of "plan" that is shifting variables around and drawing situations to me. Leading to where? Who knows where.
So, today, Fola came over unexpectedly for a visit and told me she might have contacted an STD on Monday from her tryst with this girl and the girl's boyfriend. So she had to go get tested today, with results coming in this Monday.
Now, what is interesting is the variables. Let me explain. I'm actually too giddy to think straight, so this is probably just all nonsense.
Wednesday was that weird day when Fola invited me over for supper. I think I wrote about it, but I'm not completely sure. Anyways, to recap, her husband Larry and her sister was there, eventually they both left and we went upstairs to lay on the bed in the guest room.
Oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Prior to going upstairs, we were on the couch, and Fola's dog Zoey would for some odd reason, whine/bark whenever I tried to kiss Fola. Or to engage in anything sexual. Keep in mind, that I was hoping for some sexual action that night. But, something was really strange with Zoey. She kept.. interrupting once things began picking up momentum.
So, we go upstairs. No dog there. Now we should be free to get things going, right?
No. For some strange reason, Fola just wasn't "in the mood". At the time, I attributed it to the conversation we had earlier about what I thought of her being polyamorous. And how I don't want to get regularly tested for STDs because she's sleeping with other people, and that STDs are a real concern, and yada yada.
Interesting, huh?
Something strange is afoot, and its not a sinister force either. It seems like a benevolent one. It IS a benevolent one, I'm sure of it.
The conversation we had about STDs/polyamory, her dog acting up and us not having sex that evening; that all happened for a reason.
The thing is, all this would be especially weird if on Monday Fola does test positive for an STD. If that is the case, than it would appear that the universe was looking out for me.
If not, then.. Hmm. Still, it was prescient timing to have our STD/polyamory discussion when we did.
See, I don't think Fola should be sleeping around like she does. She claims she's picky, but still, you sleep with one couple who also sleeps with other people, and those other people are sleeping with other people, so in a way, you've had sex with 30 or more people just by having sex once with a poly couple.
Yes, she used protection, but apparently this particular STD can be transmitted orally, so.. she did give that guy a blowjob. Even though she said it was a brief period of time.
Also, we did kiss since Monday, so there is still a chance I could have picked it up. We'll see what the results will end up being.
The universe works in mysterious ways, indeed. I hesitate to use the word God, because I honestly don't know what is responsible for these small synchronicities that have occurred in the past while.
I do know something though. I love Fola. We're fated to be together. So this might all be part of the process of laying down the foundation for that to happen.
I confess, its.. going to be a bit of a journey. A big ask. She has to renounce her poly ways and get a divorce. I don't think there's any other way around it if we are truly meant to be together.
I hate saying and thinking about stuff like this. It kind of bothers me to know that stuff is happening behind the scenes to bring about an outcome that I'd actually like to have happen. Because, a part of me feels like its manipulative. But then again, everything and everyone is being manipulated by someone or something. The only question is, is it a beneficial form of manipulation? And so far, from how it has been going in the (almost) month that I've known Fola for, and even for a good part of my life now that I look back on it with fresh eyes; I really do believe good things are happening, even if they appear to be bad. I know her husband Larry is furious with her right now, and thats just the STD. He was mad at her a few days ago too, when I came over that evening and we were both in the bedroom when he arrived home.
Seems like they're fighting more frequently lately. Ugly business yes, but most likely necessary business as well.
I feel.. a little guilty at feeling excitement in typing all this. Thinking that the universe is conspiring to make us come together. To bring about the best possible outcome for everybody. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still sort of do. I don't want to celebrate what looks like bad news, even though it likely will lead to something that is of positive benefit.
Such a catch-22. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So, maybe, I will.. no. I will have to restrain my jubilation. My mounting curiosity and excitement. I still have to accept that nothing is set in stone, and that there are no guarantees in life other than death and taxes. I still need to accept that I am only a beggar having been given a twenty-dollar bill after having been broke for years. I still need to remember my roots, and how much hardship and heartbreak I've faced to get to where I am now.
I still need to remind myself that the war has not yet been won. That is has barely gotten started, and that my role in this is all yet to be determined. As will my spoils. Should I be entitled to any.
We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose.
But, I am encouraged by what is happening, that is for sure. Change is apparent, and appears to be moving quickly. Each day brings a little something new to the table. A little tweak, a little different thing to wonder about, or to learn of. Always something, as long as I am able to pay attention and keep mindful of what is going on around me.
And to continue expressing gratitude for what I have been given so far. And have been given in the past. Life. This opportunity of being alive on this planet, is the greatest gift of them all. Everything else is icing on the cake.
And I'm really enjoying the icing right now.
Just hope I get to have more of it.
And the opportunity to express my gratitude to the powers that be, which enabled for all this to happen.
This gift of life is truly the most precious thing there is. Even in dark times, when depression and anger and fear and all sorts of negativity appears to present itself; there is always an opportunity to right the ship. To steer it in a new direction. To take faith that it is going the correct way, even if it does not appear to be the case.
I believe everyone has his or her plan that has been destined for them since birth. We only need the courage to trust in it. Faith counts for nothing, if in trying times it is abandoned. Or even in prosperous times.
That what does not kill us, can only make us stronger.
From the hottest of fires, our lumps of charcoal will become diamonds. Glittering in the world. A living testament to our strength of character and belief.
I think..
Yeah.
God exists.
I... I've suffered enough.
It's time for good things now.
And I'm willing to receive them. To earn them. To hold onto them and never take them for granted.
Because I have seen what happens when I lose sight of myself. When I retreat into my shell. Pissed off at the world. Hurt. Angry. Despondent.
There was no easy solution for me to get to this point. No shortcut. I had to suffer the things that I did, so that I could be prepared for the good things to come to me down the line. Otherwise I would not appreciate them as much as I do. They would no longer be looked at, as blessings. But rather, entitlements. Or, lucky coincidences.
There is no such thing as luck.
Preparation meets opportunity.
And I have become prepared.
And I will try my best to be deserving of all that I have been given.
Once I figure out the best way I can possibly do that.
(sighs)
Listen to me, I sound like such a chump. But.. Yeah. I didn't think I would end up like this. One step removed from being a bible-thumper almost. An evangelist. That's.. not who I am.. I just believe in a force or power greater than myself that loves people. That loves this planet. That MADE this planet and everything on it.
A power that flows through each and every one of us. Living and inert beings.
A power that transcends time and space.
Call it what you will.
It exists.
Friday, February 10, 2017
Two Tacos & A Xylophone
Dreams, let me tell you about one.
So, it's 2:30am on a Friday morning and I was.. stirred into wakefulness because of something I had dreamed about.
So, let's see what that was from what I'm able to recall.
The setting is Mexico I believe, although I did wonder for a bit if it might have been Cuba, I'm not sure, but Mexico feels more right.
Took place entirely at night, the beginning of the dream as far back as I can recall, had me started in the passenger seat of a car that was being driven by a grizzled character. Possibly a drug lord, since I was getting that particular vibe off of him. No bueno, you'd think, right? Actually, he was a buddy or some kind of character that was interested in my company. So he took it upon himself to drive through a part of the country to show me some particular sights that he felt I needed to see.
I'm also vaguely aware of a third person in the vehicle with us, but that detail is toast. Can't remember exactly. For some reason, I get a sense of that third person being another version of myself, if that makes any sense. In the backseat.
First thing I remember during our drive, was the slums. It wasn't horrifically as bad as I expected, but there were some odd moments. Such as when we slowly drove by what appeared to be a basketball court or school building, and there was this little brightly-lit area among the darkness. It was illuminated by one or two of those large lights, like you see at worksites with the generator. Except they didn't have the generator. Or none that I could see.
So, this one particular thing we saw while my host slowed down, showed a guy in a hoody bending over smoking from a crack pipe. There was possibly another guy there doing it with him, and there was a sign or something in Spanish that said something to the effect of "this drug is legal here". Like it was permissible to smoke crack, but only within the confines of this certain area.
I remember in the dream my window was down, the air was warm, and I could smell the chemical-like odour of that crack pipe floating into my nostrils. I comment on it to the host, and he nods in disgust, as if it was a problem he himself hated to have to acknowledge existing. Again, this guy looked like a drug/crime lord; so, I had the sense that he was troubled by guilt at seeing this.
We kept driving past, and that is when we saw islands in the ground. Well, not really islands, but small hills of green that sprouted up in various places. There was more light now than before, so they were more defined. Just a bunch of small hills, possibly no taller than thirty to forty feet at the summit. I remember thinking they were beautiful, and I commented on this out loud to my host and the third person with us.
We then approached another kind of hill, but it was in the middle of the road. Embedded partway into this hill, was a bunch of musical instruments and various other objects. This also was a much higher hill, so we were forced to drive up its side to get over. I'd see a saxophone partly buried in the grass, the neck sticking out. Part of a piano, and a full intact piano, etc. Finally we get over the hill and arrive at a level park-like area. No more hills.
We get out of the car, and start walking when I could see at a distance, a person, a tough looking woman actually, standing in the slight darkness on top of a box, holding a machine gun. Like those old school Tommy guns. I was nervous because she quickly aimed in our direction, assessing who we were but my host nonchalantly continued walking forward, and I followed in his wake. As I approached closer, the official sort of looking lady, gave me a nod and lowered her weapon. It felt as if she was incredibly paranoid before knowing who we were, but relaxed considerably once we came into view.
Now, for the last and most interesting part of the dream. We come to a kind of.. sunken area.. in this parklike/slum place, and my host descends three steps down and disappears in a corner. Well, not really disappears, but blends in and he no longer plays a part in the rest of this dream. The area was small, kind of felt like a steam room with the built-in benches all around, but really wide ones. Area might have been... thirty-by-thirty feet in a rectangular shape.
I didn't descend the steps, but I sat down on the middle of them to observe what was going on. On my left, there was what appeared to be a somewhat butch blond lesbian woman with part of her shirt open. Her breasts dangled, and another woman next to her was.. I guess, fooling around sexually with her? Didn't see any penetration or actual genitals involved. A bit further from them, in the partial darkness, was another similar couple, also engaged in some kind of foreplay. On my right was a man and a woman openly having sex. She was in the missionary position with her boobs jiggling and the guy was more or less fully clothed on top of her. There was this air of "freedom" about all this, as if these people wanted to be there, and enjoyed what they were doing. There was maybe.. eight or nine people in total, all engaged in some variety of sexual experimentation/foreplay/ecstasy/etc.
I remember thinking this all felt like some kind of orgy pit. Where you go down and pick whoever you want, and start messing around. I still didn't get off my step. Just sat and watched.
Now, as I'm sitting there, a procession of young girls came out from someplace and started walking past me, up the steps. Each were giving me a "look" as if I was expected to choose one of them for my own personal pleasure.
They were between what looked like 18-30 years old. Dressed as if they were heading out to a club for the night. Some had dresses and skirts, actually, most if not all of them did.
So as they're passing me up the steps, I remember looking at each one in the eyes. It was a blur as I made eye contact and moved over to the next set of eyes, not really knowing what to do next.
Finally, after about a dozen of these girls walked by, one stopped and fixed me with a glare. She was a pretty white girl with long dirty blond hair in a skimpy, if not pale looking red dress. She then asks me why I wasn't picking anyone, and I got the sense that she was insulted that I looked at her and moved my gaze onto the next one.
She asked if I was after eye colour, and I said no, eye colour didn't matter to me.
About two girls after her, was the set of eyes that caught my attention. They were of a bluish-grey and the girl looked to be about 19. The other lady who was maybe 27, took notice of my new-found attention and nodded, leaving as if she was satisfied that I finally made a choice.
So, this new girl says, "okay" as she looked at me and then said for me to go up with her to her room.
Her "room" was on my left, up a flight of stairs. I walked in to see a small bedroom, with a giant queen sized bed taking up most of the space, and two other girls on it, both of them looking like they were 16 or younger of age. Both of them looked rather apathetic and jaded. A third girl sat on the floor watching a large flat-screen tv. Next to that, was a big fish tank where I could see a school of tiny fishes all huddled together, not really moving.
On the floor next to the tank, was a puddle of water. I remember being bare foot, and feeling tickled. Looking down, I noticed some of the small fishes in the tank, was on the floor, and lightly swimming against my feet.
That is when it hit me, for some reason. I was in what was a whorehouse or brothel, and these girls were being trafficked. Interestingly, I didn't see a problem with this as much as I should have. I thought it was a genuine connection between me and this other girl, and I remember feeling inside my pocket for money to pay her with, and only having around five bucks in loonies/toonies. Which wouldn't fly in Mexico, since they deal in Pesos.
There was a guy that soon came into the room, wearing dark sunglasses. Totally a pimp. Skinny and young, I tried explaining to the girl while he looked at me that I didn't have much money, but I could get more later if it wasn't enough. Somehow I figured my five bucks in Canadian money was like hundreds of dollars to them. So apparently this wasn't an issue at all when I brought it up.
And... That's it. The dream ended at this exact moment. Didn't have sex. Didn't pay anyone. But I was left with this lingering feeling after I woke up, like... this sense of helplessness and poverty and an amount of heartfelt empathy for those people and whatever country/place/area I was in. They had it rough, and I was just a tourist passing by.
Strange. I'm usually pretty good at sleuthing out the meaning of dreams, but this one is particularly troublesome. For one thing, there doesn't seem to be any obvious symbolism. It was very plain and grounded in reality, it seemed. Apart from the embedded musical instruments in the hill and the lady standing on a box holding a machine gun, as if she was a sentry guarding something important that I was being given access to.
So.. yeah, I have no idea what it all means. My head hurts just trying to think about it. But I know I had to write it down. As in, get out of bed, grab the laptop and start typing. That rarely happens, and when it does, I try to make sure I get out as much detail as I can before the memories start to slip back into the ether from where they came.
Mm.
That's where it's at. Back to bed I go.
So, it's 2:30am on a Friday morning and I was.. stirred into wakefulness because of something I had dreamed about.
So, let's see what that was from what I'm able to recall.
The setting is Mexico I believe, although I did wonder for a bit if it might have been Cuba, I'm not sure, but Mexico feels more right.
Took place entirely at night, the beginning of the dream as far back as I can recall, had me started in the passenger seat of a car that was being driven by a grizzled character. Possibly a drug lord, since I was getting that particular vibe off of him. No bueno, you'd think, right? Actually, he was a buddy or some kind of character that was interested in my company. So he took it upon himself to drive through a part of the country to show me some particular sights that he felt I needed to see.
I'm also vaguely aware of a third person in the vehicle with us, but that detail is toast. Can't remember exactly. For some reason, I get a sense of that third person being another version of myself, if that makes any sense. In the backseat.
First thing I remember during our drive, was the slums. It wasn't horrifically as bad as I expected, but there were some odd moments. Such as when we slowly drove by what appeared to be a basketball court or school building, and there was this little brightly-lit area among the darkness. It was illuminated by one or two of those large lights, like you see at worksites with the generator. Except they didn't have the generator. Or none that I could see.
So, this one particular thing we saw while my host slowed down, showed a guy in a hoody bending over smoking from a crack pipe. There was possibly another guy there doing it with him, and there was a sign or something in Spanish that said something to the effect of "this drug is legal here". Like it was permissible to smoke crack, but only within the confines of this certain area.
I remember in the dream my window was down, the air was warm, and I could smell the chemical-like odour of that crack pipe floating into my nostrils. I comment on it to the host, and he nods in disgust, as if it was a problem he himself hated to have to acknowledge existing. Again, this guy looked like a drug/crime lord; so, I had the sense that he was troubled by guilt at seeing this.
We kept driving past, and that is when we saw islands in the ground. Well, not really islands, but small hills of green that sprouted up in various places. There was more light now than before, so they were more defined. Just a bunch of small hills, possibly no taller than thirty to forty feet at the summit. I remember thinking they were beautiful, and I commented on this out loud to my host and the third person with us.
We then approached another kind of hill, but it was in the middle of the road. Embedded partway into this hill, was a bunch of musical instruments and various other objects. This also was a much higher hill, so we were forced to drive up its side to get over. I'd see a saxophone partly buried in the grass, the neck sticking out. Part of a piano, and a full intact piano, etc. Finally we get over the hill and arrive at a level park-like area. No more hills.
We get out of the car, and start walking when I could see at a distance, a person, a tough looking woman actually, standing in the slight darkness on top of a box, holding a machine gun. Like those old school Tommy guns. I was nervous because she quickly aimed in our direction, assessing who we were but my host nonchalantly continued walking forward, and I followed in his wake. As I approached closer, the official sort of looking lady, gave me a nod and lowered her weapon. It felt as if she was incredibly paranoid before knowing who we were, but relaxed considerably once we came into view.
Now, for the last and most interesting part of the dream. We come to a kind of.. sunken area.. in this parklike/slum place, and my host descends three steps down and disappears in a corner. Well, not really disappears, but blends in and he no longer plays a part in the rest of this dream. The area was small, kind of felt like a steam room with the built-in benches all around, but really wide ones. Area might have been... thirty-by-thirty feet in a rectangular shape.
I didn't descend the steps, but I sat down on the middle of them to observe what was going on. On my left, there was what appeared to be a somewhat butch blond lesbian woman with part of her shirt open. Her breasts dangled, and another woman next to her was.. I guess, fooling around sexually with her? Didn't see any penetration or actual genitals involved. A bit further from them, in the partial darkness, was another similar couple, also engaged in some kind of foreplay. On my right was a man and a woman openly having sex. She was in the missionary position with her boobs jiggling and the guy was more or less fully clothed on top of her. There was this air of "freedom" about all this, as if these people wanted to be there, and enjoyed what they were doing. There was maybe.. eight or nine people in total, all engaged in some variety of sexual experimentation/foreplay/ecstasy/etc.
I remember thinking this all felt like some kind of orgy pit. Where you go down and pick whoever you want, and start messing around. I still didn't get off my step. Just sat and watched.
Now, as I'm sitting there, a procession of young girls came out from someplace and started walking past me, up the steps. Each were giving me a "look" as if I was expected to choose one of them for my own personal pleasure.
They were between what looked like 18-30 years old. Dressed as if they were heading out to a club for the night. Some had dresses and skirts, actually, most if not all of them did.
So as they're passing me up the steps, I remember looking at each one in the eyes. It was a blur as I made eye contact and moved over to the next set of eyes, not really knowing what to do next.
Finally, after about a dozen of these girls walked by, one stopped and fixed me with a glare. She was a pretty white girl with long dirty blond hair in a skimpy, if not pale looking red dress. She then asks me why I wasn't picking anyone, and I got the sense that she was insulted that I looked at her and moved my gaze onto the next one.
She asked if I was after eye colour, and I said no, eye colour didn't matter to me.
About two girls after her, was the set of eyes that caught my attention. They were of a bluish-grey and the girl looked to be about 19. The other lady who was maybe 27, took notice of my new-found attention and nodded, leaving as if she was satisfied that I finally made a choice.
So, this new girl says, "okay" as she looked at me and then said for me to go up with her to her room.
Her "room" was on my left, up a flight of stairs. I walked in to see a small bedroom, with a giant queen sized bed taking up most of the space, and two other girls on it, both of them looking like they were 16 or younger of age. Both of them looked rather apathetic and jaded. A third girl sat on the floor watching a large flat-screen tv. Next to that, was a big fish tank where I could see a school of tiny fishes all huddled together, not really moving.
On the floor next to the tank, was a puddle of water. I remember being bare foot, and feeling tickled. Looking down, I noticed some of the small fishes in the tank, was on the floor, and lightly swimming against my feet.
That is when it hit me, for some reason. I was in what was a whorehouse or brothel, and these girls were being trafficked. Interestingly, I didn't see a problem with this as much as I should have. I thought it was a genuine connection between me and this other girl, and I remember feeling inside my pocket for money to pay her with, and only having around five bucks in loonies/toonies. Which wouldn't fly in Mexico, since they deal in Pesos.
There was a guy that soon came into the room, wearing dark sunglasses. Totally a pimp. Skinny and young, I tried explaining to the girl while he looked at me that I didn't have much money, but I could get more later if it wasn't enough. Somehow I figured my five bucks in Canadian money was like hundreds of dollars to them. So apparently this wasn't an issue at all when I brought it up.
And... That's it. The dream ended at this exact moment. Didn't have sex. Didn't pay anyone. But I was left with this lingering feeling after I woke up, like... this sense of helplessness and poverty and an amount of heartfelt empathy for those people and whatever country/place/area I was in. They had it rough, and I was just a tourist passing by.
Strange. I'm usually pretty good at sleuthing out the meaning of dreams, but this one is particularly troublesome. For one thing, there doesn't seem to be any obvious symbolism. It was very plain and grounded in reality, it seemed. Apart from the embedded musical instruments in the hill and the lady standing on a box holding a machine gun, as if she was a sentry guarding something important that I was being given access to.
So.. yeah, I have no idea what it all means. My head hurts just trying to think about it. But I know I had to write it down. As in, get out of bed, grab the laptop and start typing. That rarely happens, and when it does, I try to make sure I get out as much detail as I can before the memories start to slip back into the ether from where they came.
Mm.
That's where it's at. Back to bed I go.
Thursday, February 09, 2017
The Thrill Is Gone
Alarming post title, isn't it? Haha.
Yes, last night the thrill was kinda gone-ish with Fola and I. Just last night though, and just my own feelings. Not too sure about hers.
It's been a week since I last came to confession, so, I'll spit it all out.
We're still soulmates. I still love her. She still loves me.
We still look each other in the eye while making out.
But, things are taking an interesting turn. Or have taken an interesting turn last night. There was nothing gradual about what lead up to it, it was yesterday and yesterday alone when I felt that the "spark" kind of dissipated between us. At least the spark I felt for her.
And that's okay. Curious. But okay. I've grown to accept by this point, that everything happens for a reason and to try and stay true to my feelings and honour the authenticity of who I am and what I need and want from life and relationships.
What happened was, is Fola invited me over for dinner for the first time, and her husband Larry and her sister Sade was there. Kind of a last-minute surprise, since I expected just her and her husband would be at work, etc. Of course, her daughter Ivy and their dog Zoey as well.
Great meal. She made a Nigerian stew, which had Basamati (sp?) long-grain rice, with this really nice flavourful red sauce and spiced chicken to go with it. Cayenne pepper was a godsend with this meal. Kind of was missing a salad or a third element, and oddly, Larry was the only one who had spinach on his plate. Didn't have a bowl of it nearby or anything for other people to have. Kinda strange.
Zoey, the hyper-intelligent German Shepard seemed to really calm down when I arrived. She usually barks like mad whenever strange men are around, or men in general as Fola has told me. Even Larry gets barked at by Zoey, and he lives with her. Not too much with me. We're slowly becoming friends, it seems.
Eventually Larry left, and Sade and I spend twenty minutes or so together looking at houses/duplexes. She's interested in buying, and I managed to find her a nice place that both of us were excited about seeing. Fola was upstairs putting Ivy to bed, giving her a bath, etc.
I really like Sade. She has the best laugh, and looking into her eyes I could feel something similar to what Fola and I have. That deep familiarity. That, "I know you from someplace, and I love you but I can't say anything because that would be weird" look.
Sitting next to Sade while we were looking at houses, I could feel this.. nice glow coming out of my chest. That thing has been "activated" more than a few times while I was with Fola. Apparently its the "heart chakra" being active; whatever the hell that means or involves.
So, she then leaves and its Fola and I on the living room couch watching The Pyramid Code with subtitles on. I was happy she was okay with subs because I hate missing words due to my shitty hearing.
Somehow, the subject of monogamy came up and that is where things took an interesting turn.
Fola doesn't want to be monogamous, and I although I was only being honest about my perspective, she really seemed deeply offended in a way. Even though I was trying to be as gentle and considerate and inoffensive as possible.
It's true, I want her all to myself. Nothing wrong with that, is there? Why should I have to worry about her husband Larry coming home early while we are having sex, or why can't I wake up to her each morning rather than see her once every few days?
How can our relationship really build on itself and carry momentum, when she is seeing other people? And I'm not?
It's like we're deliberately out of sync, and not by my decision either. I tried telling her to imagine a glass of water where the glass represents an entire week. Every time she is physically intimate with another person, she has to take a gulp. So, Larry, Jess, Rob, whoever she sleeps with is "draining" this glass, and by the time she gets to me, there's only so much water left to give. I am not getting the full glass, is what I was trying to make my point as being. Even though I am coming to her with my full glass, if that makes any sense. So, lop-sided.
Kind of hard to build a meaningful relationship when you dilute your feelings by spreading them across multiple people. Not feelings in general, but just intimacy. Sexual energy is a powerful thing. A bonding tool. Or a weapon, if you would consider its seriousness further than merely "getting laid".
I told Fola that although I am not thrilled about her being polyamorous, I also am unwilling to demand anything of her. I don't want her to change. She has to want to change herself. I am able to deal with the way our relationship is, although I made it perfectly clear that I don't think this is the optimal way of going about developing our connection together. Kind of like reading from five different books. You never get to finish an entire book, and your focus is scattered.
Or maybe you do get to finish a book, but it would take a much longer time than it would had you just focused on one at a time.
Same deal.
So, we had our big conversations about this subject and other things upstairs in bed later, and.. there was this wedge kind of thing between us. Mainly coming from her, I found, rather than myself. I wanted to be physically intimate, but she was saying that she didn't "feel" like it right now. That's fine, but again, maybe she just.. had her "fill" earlier, and that sexual energy just wasn't there. Also, she still was bothered by my expressing how I think monogamy is important.
Hmph. I know I'm not trying to be an asshole and hurt her feelings, but thats my honest belief. Monogamy is best. Being poly might be good in your 20s when you're just finding your place in the world and don't want to be constrained/limited in your search for "the one", but what happens when you DO find the one? Do you continue seeing other people? Or do you grow up and dedicate yourself to making a life with the other person? Settle down, have kids, get married, etc.
I really think Fola needs to grow up. Hate to say it, but I do. She's only 31, still pretty young, but definitely on the cusp of needing to come about to mature understandings about who she is and what she wants/needs from life and what she deserves and is willing to offer to another human being, etc.
She openly admitted she was selfish. I told her that was okay. Being selfish or selfless are bad things only when they get too far towards either extreme. Too much selfishness and too much selflessness are each impediments to developing harmony and balance within oneself.
Got to meet in the middle when it comes to personal development. Same goes for relationships. I'm not going to change myself completely to accommodate her, and I don't expect her to do the same thing either. I love her exactly the way she is, and if she loves me, then she loves me for exactly the way I am as well. Opposing views and all.
So, why is the thrill gone? Well, I tried being intimate last night and had a few bits of personal arousal, took her bra off, touched her naughty bits, but... yeah, didn't happen. So therefore, we didn't have sex or anything. Again, that's totally okay. It's also the first time that this sort of thing has happened with us.
Another thing I told her, is that nothing is set in stone as far as beliefs go. I told her that maybe in time she will become monogamous; or maybe in time, I will become polyamorous. I really don't know where our paths will lead us, but I imagine it would be mutually beneficial for the two of us. Even if neither of us budge on our differing points of view.
Everything happens for a reason. Everything is going according to plan.
We're going through growing pains at the moment, and that's expected and normal in a new relationship. Feeling each other out, seeing what we're willing to compromise on and change/accommodate.
Figuring out who we are and what we truly value.
Fola and I have the same values, even if we have different beliefs. Truth, love and beauty. The original trinity is something we each revere and desire. Monogamy and polyamory, well, thats another thing altogether.
One thing that bothered me last night, was how Fola seemed upset about the idea of my using a vapourizer inside the house. It's just water vapor, but she asked me that if we lived together, would I be smoking inside the house? She seemed really concerned about the subject and made it sound like it was a "deal-breaker" to which I had to laugh. Would you REALLY ditch your soulmate because they smoke inside the house? REALLY? I found it so hard to believe that she wouldn't give me a free pass even if I should decide to smoke indoors, but I told her I wouldn't. Especially if there are kids around and especially if it was tobacco smoke. I'd always go outside for that, and also, I was hoping that by the time we do end up living together, I wouldn't be smoking anymore anyways.
But vaping.. yeesh. Who cares about water vapour in the air. Fola was more concerned about nicotine being blown about, but I had to reassure her by saying that its usually all absorbed in the lungs before being exhaled. That seemed to calm her down a bit.
Well, that was last night. It ended with hearing Zoey bark, and Larry coming home from a "date" with another girl, and the door to the guest room we were in, was knocked and that was that. Had to go home.
I hated the way we ended things. I don't like the situation we're in where I have to be mindful of the fact that she has a husband, and that her husband expects her to sleep in bed with him and not me at the end of the day. Really sucks. I would... love it if I could wake up each morning and see her face.
See her every day.
Hmph.
Everything happens for a reason, and this is one of the hilarious ironies of my life.
I always knew someone up there was laughing at me. I'm the butt of a grand cosmic joke.
But you know something?
I love it.
I'm laughing at it along with the universe, and all those that are watching these events unfold. The plan unfolding.
I'm laughing and I love it.
Because now I know there is a God.
And he has good things planned for me.
I just need to buckle up and hold on.
I'll get there someday.
And I'll be high-fiving whoever is behind all this.
Or whatever.
Maybe it's just me.
Eventually, I'll figure it out.
Until then.
Enjoy the show.
Yes, last night the thrill was kinda gone-ish with Fola and I. Just last night though, and just my own feelings. Not too sure about hers.
It's been a week since I last came to confession, so, I'll spit it all out.
We're still soulmates. I still love her. She still loves me.
We still look each other in the eye while making out.
But, things are taking an interesting turn. Or have taken an interesting turn last night. There was nothing gradual about what lead up to it, it was yesterday and yesterday alone when I felt that the "spark" kind of dissipated between us. At least the spark I felt for her.
And that's okay. Curious. But okay. I've grown to accept by this point, that everything happens for a reason and to try and stay true to my feelings and honour the authenticity of who I am and what I need and want from life and relationships.
What happened was, is Fola invited me over for dinner for the first time, and her husband Larry and her sister Sade was there. Kind of a last-minute surprise, since I expected just her and her husband would be at work, etc. Of course, her daughter Ivy and their dog Zoey as well.
Great meal. She made a Nigerian stew, which had Basamati (sp?) long-grain rice, with this really nice flavourful red sauce and spiced chicken to go with it. Cayenne pepper was a godsend with this meal. Kind of was missing a salad or a third element, and oddly, Larry was the only one who had spinach on his plate. Didn't have a bowl of it nearby or anything for other people to have. Kinda strange.
Zoey, the hyper-intelligent German Shepard seemed to really calm down when I arrived. She usually barks like mad whenever strange men are around, or men in general as Fola has told me. Even Larry gets barked at by Zoey, and he lives with her. Not too much with me. We're slowly becoming friends, it seems.
Eventually Larry left, and Sade and I spend twenty minutes or so together looking at houses/duplexes. She's interested in buying, and I managed to find her a nice place that both of us were excited about seeing. Fola was upstairs putting Ivy to bed, giving her a bath, etc.
I really like Sade. She has the best laugh, and looking into her eyes I could feel something similar to what Fola and I have. That deep familiarity. That, "I know you from someplace, and I love you but I can't say anything because that would be weird" look.
Sitting next to Sade while we were looking at houses, I could feel this.. nice glow coming out of my chest. That thing has been "activated" more than a few times while I was with Fola. Apparently its the "heart chakra" being active; whatever the hell that means or involves.
So, she then leaves and its Fola and I on the living room couch watching The Pyramid Code with subtitles on. I was happy she was okay with subs because I hate missing words due to my shitty hearing.
Somehow, the subject of monogamy came up and that is where things took an interesting turn.
Fola doesn't want to be monogamous, and I although I was only being honest about my perspective, she really seemed deeply offended in a way. Even though I was trying to be as gentle and considerate and inoffensive as possible.
It's true, I want her all to myself. Nothing wrong with that, is there? Why should I have to worry about her husband Larry coming home early while we are having sex, or why can't I wake up to her each morning rather than see her once every few days?
How can our relationship really build on itself and carry momentum, when she is seeing other people? And I'm not?
It's like we're deliberately out of sync, and not by my decision either. I tried telling her to imagine a glass of water where the glass represents an entire week. Every time she is physically intimate with another person, she has to take a gulp. So, Larry, Jess, Rob, whoever she sleeps with is "draining" this glass, and by the time she gets to me, there's only so much water left to give. I am not getting the full glass, is what I was trying to make my point as being. Even though I am coming to her with my full glass, if that makes any sense. So, lop-sided.
Kind of hard to build a meaningful relationship when you dilute your feelings by spreading them across multiple people. Not feelings in general, but just intimacy. Sexual energy is a powerful thing. A bonding tool. Or a weapon, if you would consider its seriousness further than merely "getting laid".
I told Fola that although I am not thrilled about her being polyamorous, I also am unwilling to demand anything of her. I don't want her to change. She has to want to change herself. I am able to deal with the way our relationship is, although I made it perfectly clear that I don't think this is the optimal way of going about developing our connection together. Kind of like reading from five different books. You never get to finish an entire book, and your focus is scattered.
Or maybe you do get to finish a book, but it would take a much longer time than it would had you just focused on one at a time.
Same deal.
So, we had our big conversations about this subject and other things upstairs in bed later, and.. there was this wedge kind of thing between us. Mainly coming from her, I found, rather than myself. I wanted to be physically intimate, but she was saying that she didn't "feel" like it right now. That's fine, but again, maybe she just.. had her "fill" earlier, and that sexual energy just wasn't there. Also, she still was bothered by my expressing how I think monogamy is important.
Hmph. I know I'm not trying to be an asshole and hurt her feelings, but thats my honest belief. Monogamy is best. Being poly might be good in your 20s when you're just finding your place in the world and don't want to be constrained/limited in your search for "the one", but what happens when you DO find the one? Do you continue seeing other people? Or do you grow up and dedicate yourself to making a life with the other person? Settle down, have kids, get married, etc.
I really think Fola needs to grow up. Hate to say it, but I do. She's only 31, still pretty young, but definitely on the cusp of needing to come about to mature understandings about who she is and what she wants/needs from life and what she deserves and is willing to offer to another human being, etc.
She openly admitted she was selfish. I told her that was okay. Being selfish or selfless are bad things only when they get too far towards either extreme. Too much selfishness and too much selflessness are each impediments to developing harmony and balance within oneself.
Got to meet in the middle when it comes to personal development. Same goes for relationships. I'm not going to change myself completely to accommodate her, and I don't expect her to do the same thing either. I love her exactly the way she is, and if she loves me, then she loves me for exactly the way I am as well. Opposing views and all.
So, why is the thrill gone? Well, I tried being intimate last night and had a few bits of personal arousal, took her bra off, touched her naughty bits, but... yeah, didn't happen. So therefore, we didn't have sex or anything. Again, that's totally okay. It's also the first time that this sort of thing has happened with us.
Another thing I told her, is that nothing is set in stone as far as beliefs go. I told her that maybe in time she will become monogamous; or maybe in time, I will become polyamorous. I really don't know where our paths will lead us, but I imagine it would be mutually beneficial for the two of us. Even if neither of us budge on our differing points of view.
Everything happens for a reason. Everything is going according to plan.
We're going through growing pains at the moment, and that's expected and normal in a new relationship. Feeling each other out, seeing what we're willing to compromise on and change/accommodate.
Figuring out who we are and what we truly value.
Fola and I have the same values, even if we have different beliefs. Truth, love and beauty. The original trinity is something we each revere and desire. Monogamy and polyamory, well, thats another thing altogether.
One thing that bothered me last night, was how Fola seemed upset about the idea of my using a vapourizer inside the house. It's just water vapor, but she asked me that if we lived together, would I be smoking inside the house? She seemed really concerned about the subject and made it sound like it was a "deal-breaker" to which I had to laugh. Would you REALLY ditch your soulmate because they smoke inside the house? REALLY? I found it so hard to believe that she wouldn't give me a free pass even if I should decide to smoke indoors, but I told her I wouldn't. Especially if there are kids around and especially if it was tobacco smoke. I'd always go outside for that, and also, I was hoping that by the time we do end up living together, I wouldn't be smoking anymore anyways.
But vaping.. yeesh. Who cares about water vapour in the air. Fola was more concerned about nicotine being blown about, but I had to reassure her by saying that its usually all absorbed in the lungs before being exhaled. That seemed to calm her down a bit.
Well, that was last night. It ended with hearing Zoey bark, and Larry coming home from a "date" with another girl, and the door to the guest room we were in, was knocked and that was that. Had to go home.
I hated the way we ended things. I don't like the situation we're in where I have to be mindful of the fact that she has a husband, and that her husband expects her to sleep in bed with him and not me at the end of the day. Really sucks. I would... love it if I could wake up each morning and see her face.
See her every day.
Hmph.
Everything happens for a reason, and this is one of the hilarious ironies of my life.
I always knew someone up there was laughing at me. I'm the butt of a grand cosmic joke.
But you know something?
I love it.
I'm laughing at it along with the universe, and all those that are watching these events unfold. The plan unfolding.
I'm laughing and I love it.
Because now I know there is a God.
And he has good things planned for me.
I just need to buckle up and hold on.
I'll get there someday.
And I'll be high-fiving whoever is behind all this.
Or whatever.
Maybe it's just me.
Eventually, I'll figure it out.
Until then.
Enjoy the show.
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