Rainy Morning

I hate it when I correct a spelling error in a post, and it re-publishes itself with the current date. My last post says it was posted this morning, but it was posted yesterday. I just changed "access" to "accessed", one word, and it looks like a brand new post.

Anyways.

Hmm. I'm compelled to write on here, but nothing has happened this morning so far. I got up at around 7:30, went for a coffee, emailed Kelly about the job I'm starting next week, and...

Thinking about her.

She finally added a new video to her channel. Well, "liked" a new video. It was some rapper chick and I couldn't figure out what it meant. Ten hours before that she posted on Pinterest, some recipes.

Well, I don't think she is depressed then. It doesn't seem that way. And.. hmm.

Yeah.

Not sure what I should be making of all this. Do I want her back or not? Why am I being obsessive about her? I don't want to be, but it looks like I am.

That text I sent last night... (sighs) No clues in there, either.

I don't know, but there is a feeling inside of me to just trust that everything is working out exactly as they need to be. With or without Fola.

I had a girl message me on eHarmony this morning and I was disappointed that she was 39, overweight, had kids, a nearly empty and uninteresting profile; and she was someone who sent me a "smile" about two months ago. She seems to really want to get in touch with me, but I felt zero amount of attraction from just her thumbnail alone.

I really don't want to turn people down like that, but...

I'm holding out for someone special.

Who knows who that is anymore. I don't.

And I'm sure she's out there.

I just don't know why Fola keeps sticking in my mind.

Again, there is nothing much I can do about her. Or us. Do I go back to her on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness? I can't do that. What would I need to be forgiven for, exactly? For wanting to be loved and feeling upset at how she kept denying me that?

I can't apologize for that.

At the same time, I do... want to... see her again, I suppose. I will be going to SRF tonight and there is a possibility, however slim, that she may be there.

And if she is, then what?

I don't know. It would be weird, maybe. Maybe something else will happen.

(sighs) Here I am typing away about some form of madness. Exorcising my demons or whatever, but I don't think that is what it is. I'm just trying my best to make sense of things that I cannot understand. Of feelings and goals and aspirations and dreams and faith and God and purpose and meaning and priorities and my future and my past and the present moment...

Everything all jumbled in one. I suppose that means uncertainty if I am thinking about these things o much, but...

Faith. Faith is such a powerful thing. I need to hold onto that and REALLY believe I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose in life. That I will realize the love that I desire someday. That I will be blessed with great wealth and prosperity.

However these things shall come, they are coming.

I WILL them to come.

By my own power and that of God, the Creator, the Universe.

The net of consciousness that permeates the entire world.

I appeal towards this force. I serve this power.

And this power serves me.

This is important. I can't give up. I won't let myself be beaten down.

I can't message her.

I can only write. On this blog and on the other. I still... have a dream that my other blog is going to do well someday. That I will get many more visitors.

Perhaps I should do something about that. I have all those business cards printed out with my blog written on the back of them. I can still promote it. Maybe I will go to Ascendant Books and see if they will let me keep my card up at the front counter, along with all of the other ones.

Will have to find a card holder though.

Hm.

The right one is out there for me.

And... I believe in magic. I've witnessed it enough times, although I wish I could witness it more.

I believe in you God.

Please believe in me.

Simple Things

It was a somewhat okay eventful-ish day that I had. Started off by getting up early and having to go for this H2S course in Sherwood Park, where I arrived 2 minutes late. Which didn't really get noticed, and some other guy came in over a half hour late, so...

But, at the very beginning of the course, I felt a lot of... love for the people in the room with me. I can't really explain why. The instructor in particular, seemed like a very nice older guy with a great sense of humor, and he helped make everything go by smoothly.

And then, that feeling sort of faded about halfway through. I was thinking of Paulo's quote from Valkyries, about how "The love of God and others -- shows you the way" and... I didn't manage to be able to keep that loving feeling going. I kept feeling stuff in my heart all day, this kind of.. not glowing warmness.. but.. Hmm.. kind of an almost glowing hotness, if that makes any sense. The sensation was different than usual, and it sure lingered.

Along with thinking about her. Nothing specific, just her. Her name, her face...

When I went to visit my mom after the course, we caught up on her trip to Poland and she asked me how my love life was.

"There is no love life," I smiled. Not feeling especially sad or happy about it.

"But... I do think of her every day." I added.

And that has been true. For almost three weeks now since I last saw her.

I've been thinking of her everyday. This is just like how it was with Gina.

Except, different.

There is no resentment in my heart. No regrets. The same as it was with Gina, but instead of.. I suppose.. Hmm.

Maybe it was identical. But there were some differences. I'm just trying to remember what they may have been.

I felt more gratitude in the aftermath of Gina, and with Fola, I feel more love instead.

Which doesn't make any sense.

I still remember how she asked me to abuse her, with this smile on her face. I couldn't do that, and now that I've seen her "like" a couple of videos about recovering from abuse; I am thinking that she got exactly what she asked for. Whether I realized I was giving it to her, or not.

That woman really knew how to push my buttons. I can't figure out the point of all this. I know there's something deep. Just like it was with Gina. Something deep that I may never figure out while I am alive.

Karma... It's definitely that, somehow.

And despite it all, I still feel good. I mean... I'm not broken. I'm not sad. I'm just thinking about her everyday. Sometimes with love. Sometimes with annoyance.

Don't get it. I have no idea why this is. Got to be some past life or soul contract stuff.

I'm still checking her Youtube and Pinterest. Absolutely nothing new has been posted today or yesterday and I felt concerned. Thinking about it, my imagination was settling on some unsettling possibilities.

1) She is distracted with something or someone else.
2) She is really not doing well, and has no interest in going online to look at videos or pin photos.
3) She is doing extremely well, and has no time for videos or photos

I don't know which of the three it is.

And... Hmm.

Glowing chest. Every day, almost. This sensation varies in degrees, but it's always there in some form when I really stop to feel it. Almost like it has its own life. Some days its brighter than others.

But, again. Today was the hot kind of heat. I paid special attention to how I treated people around me, and it wasn't quite as exceptional as I had hoped. As I said, that feeling of love I first felt, faded around afternoon time. Maybe the course really was that boring and I couldn't tune into others very well. But everyone was in a fantastic mood. The vibe of the class felt really nice.

So, I left my mom's place early because I had the urge to sit in with the Theosophy Society tonight. I arrived there earlier than expected (650 instead of 730) and browsed the library for a bit.

Hm. Then people started arriving. Francisco was the first. This older, professor looking fellow who was actually from Italy. Very nice guy. Extremely smart.

Few more came in. This really old lady, and... the showstopper, was this pretty young brunette whom I tried catching the eye of several times over the night, without a whole lot of success.

Guess she wasn't interested. I don't know how flirting is supposed to work.

As we started reading, I was surprised at how focused I was on the passages. It was critical reading. Really analyzing everything Blavatsky was talking about to her "students" about subjects like levels of consciousness and the idea of eternity. We read from page 7 to 18 I believe, in the course of an hour and a half. Almost everyone piped in their thoughts about what we were reading, and I was surprised that I didn't hold back my own at certain moments.

I think I made some good points, but when everything ended, I realized something very important about the effect this session had on me.

My arrogance was being kept in check. Finally. By people as smart, or smarter than I am.

What a refreshing feeling that was. I really appreciated hearing other people speak of deep and intellectual things on the subject of the metaphysical.

For so long, I have yet to find anyone who could hold a decent conversation about all this sort of stuff. And it appeared that I have. I was.. happy for deciding to go.

And it also looked like that I will be starting a new job next week. Yeah. Non-union QC work. Just got to file in the correct paperwork tomorrow and finish a course or two.

Driving home from Theosophy, I kept "feeling" her in my heart again. My head was deliciously swollen as it felt like my consciousness expanded just from being with those people; and I kept having this urge to text Fola something. I wanted to tell her that I love her. And that I was grateful for her inspiring me to visit the Theosophy society in the first place. I wanted to tell her that my arrogance was being kept at bay, and that I apologize for the arrogance I have shown towards her while we were together.

(sighs)

Arriving at home, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to text and find out if she was doing okay. My imagination was getting the better of me.

But, I didn't want to text her to find out. Instead, I texted her sister Sade.

And yeah. I wish it was that simple, Sade.

I can't say I completely understood what she was saying, either. Did she want me to ask Fola how she was doing? Was there a valid reason for me to do so? Was Fola not doing well and have spoken of me?

Or, was she telling me to not bother her with messages and just talk to Fola myself? Because that is what I think it was. A kind of a nice way to ignore me.

Then again, she did say "hi David" which was nice. And wished me a good night... so what does that mean? A polite form of saying for me to get lost?

If that is what it is, then...

(sighs)

I don't get it man. Why did I write "I understand" so quickly when I didn't really?

She's telling me to ask Fola herself.

That... Hmm.. I read between the lines alot...

If she's asking me to ask Fola, then that means that she doesn't think Fola refuses to talk to me. Or that Fola may have blocked me. Or that we've had an acrimonious split.

If Fola's own sister doesn't know any of all that, then I'm not sure what she told her about why we aren't seeing each other anymore. If anything.

It seems like Sade didn't think our breakup was bad enough for her to suggest that I talk to Fola. Because if Fola told Sade that I "abused" her, she would really tell me to fuck off or not bother responding to my message. Or blocking my number.

But, she didn't do those things, and it makes me wonder what did Fola really tell her? How is she really feeling?

Is she doing okay?

Did she end up telling Fola I texted anyways?

Is Fola waiting for me to text or contact her back? Does she even miss me?

Man... What a mess.

Her sister has given me both a glimmer of hope and a glimmer of doom.

I'm not sure which of the two it is supposed to really be.

If Fola is not doing well, then I would contact her. If she is, then..

There is no point. She's moved on.

But if Sade is telling me its better that I contact her, assuming she knows how everything ended.. then...

I should talk to her.

(sighs)

What a mess.

I.. am still holding onto my intuition here. My heart, and I am just going to play everything by ear. I was glad enough that Sade wrote me, and I at least know there hasn't been anything serious that may have happened to Fola. At least I can find comfort in knowing that much. She didn't die. She isn't suicidal...

But she probably is depressed.

I don't know.

Again. The lack of activity on the internet isn't helping matters. She is either depressed or preoccupied. One of those two.

I am going to assume it may be a mix of both.

God... can't figure out any of this shit. Why is it so difficult?

And why do I care so much about how she is doing?

...

I don't need to answer that, I suppose, because I know.

Yeah. Well.

I am thinking about that dream I had of her and the other guy. I am thinking about how she re-established contact with Jessica. I am thinking of her having met someone.

I am thinking of a lot of different things.

And I don't have enough information to isolate any particular answer.

So, playing it by ear.

My mom got me a few nice things from Poland. This little elephant is the highlight.

Love the color. I like that necklace too, which is something that Chris bought for mom but she didn't want it. I like it though. Going to wear it to SRF tomorrow.

Ah. Another thing.. Saw Fola's name on the register at Theosophy. Two names above my own. Seems like she hasn't come back to this group since December. That's a long long time ago.

And I don't know if she's doing the SRF thing anymore either, but I'm sure she now knows that I've gone there without her at least once. Going to pick up my beads tomorrow, so I'm happy about that.

Oh, and also got this mug

Cute. But they spelled my name wrong. Just like the spelled it wrong when I got my job offer. Calling me David Koviar instead of Koziar and now Dawid instead of David.

Mom tried to convince me that is how they spell my name in Poland. I had to point out that it is not the name on my birth certificate.

Crazy Polish people. (sighs) She didn't seem to enjoy her trip very much. Said the best part of it was when she was going home. Haha.

Oh, well.

Kind of reminds me of the life I'm having now. I don't mean to sound morbid, but I bet that when I die and emerge on the other side, I will be thinking that...

Okay, maybe I won't. I don't know what is on the other side. I DO know not to be taking life for granted. So perhaps I will continue to express gratitude for this gift I have been given.

This opportunity to make something of myself.

And.. I have a good next blog post coming up. I'm sure Fola will enjoy reading it, as whoever else might be that is visiting.

I had 1 visitor yesterday at 1am! Yay! I'm still not sure if that was me or not, somehow accidentally reading the page around bedtime. But, I don't think it is.

I think it could be her.

It was accessed by an Android device. On Mobile. Using Chrome.

Could be her.

Who knows.

Anyways.

New day tomorrow. Got to try and enjoy it.

You only live once.

Or perhaps a thousand times.

Yeah.

Old souls.

Atlantis.

Who the hell knows anymore.

Ongoing

Didn't post yesterday because there wasn't anything particularly special to report on.

I spent most of it working on my blog post regarding the visit I had with two Theosophists, and the rest of the day was spent doing random odds and ends.

Towards the end of the evening, however, was where it got a bit more interesting. I went over to my mom's house, thinking that I would enjoy hanging out there with the two cats since mom hasn't come back from Poland yet.

It was great. I... I don't know. I was in this... state of mind where those two cats were highly important to me. Petting them, listening to them purr, looking into their eyes. I didn't pet them too much or too little, and both of them ended up sleeping on my chest while I read a book.

It was nice. I really enjoyed spending time with them.

This was interesting, however. An email. From someone I don't know.

She said she found my beads that I left by accident at SRF. BUT HOW?! How did she know it was me that left them in the basket, and how did she know my email?

After speaking with her further, I found out that her roommate saw me put them in and that she "confirmed" my email address with Fola.

Yeah, I didn't think to ask her how she figured I was connected with Fola, since we've only been there together once.

Beats me, man. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't glad Fola was reminded of me. And I was doubly glad that my beads were being returned, and that I would be there in person to pick them up on Thursday.

(sighs)

Didn't think much about her yesterday, but boy, she has been on my mind somewhat today.

I keep thinking I want to message her, because I.. Yeah. I don't know. I just want to make sure she's doing okay. Why? Fuck. I still love her. Even after all that bullshit, I still want to be with her and have us work stuff out.

But.. man...

Yeah.

It is what it is. For now, or forever. Who knows.

I'm still optimistic about finding the right lady for me, though. I'm not closing my mind or eyes off to anything. Didn't get any messages on OkCupid, and that's fine. I'm not going to stress myself out over that.

I am really trying my best to trust God on this. Haven't really put my faith into Him this way for a long time now, and it's due. I am seeing small steps that appear to be leading me someplace. It may not be all happening as quick as I would like, but things are happening regardless.

I have this warm sensation coming out of my chest now. Not sure what that is supposed to mean, but I am taking it as a good sign. I remember all too well how I was feeling shortly before and during the time I was with Fola. It all was the heart. That heat was present.

This can be taken to mean one of two things:

Either Fola is feeling something in particular, or its all me.

If it's Fola, then... Well... Okay. I suppose that's good.

If it's me... Hmm. A little trickier, but I'll also take it as a good sign.

There were some studies done online about the heart's electromagnetic field and how it was thousands of times more powerful than the brain. I believe that. I believe also that there is a deeper function being carried out by the heart.

So I'm confident that something good is about to happen. Not sure what it might be or when, but something is on its way.

I won't be jinxing it by dwelling on it, or to get anxious or cocky or over-confident; so I am trying to play this down as cool as possible.

There is not much to report on today, I'm sad to say. Justin wants me to work a non-union job with him, and I am in the process of getting myself ready for it. There is an H2S course I need to be taking tomorrow morning before I can be ready for it.

And I have to write a resume. In ONE day. Fuck... Not even sure if I can pull that off.

And I honestly don't know if I want to. If I get caught working non-union, I'm going to suffer a huge 5,000$ fine. And... But...

It is an EASY job. 7 days on, 7 days off. Quality control. And I'll be working with Justin, whom I haven't had the pleasure of working along for six or seven years now.

(sighs)

I don't like being pressured into a decision, but I am in that course tomorrow. And I don't know about getting a resume done up tonight. But I will try. Hopefully.

Got into a bit of a tizzy a few hours ago. Had the impulse to clear out a bunch of stuff from my place. Clothes I no longer wear. Sorting a few things here and there. Laundry. Dishes. Etc.

Side of my head is now feeling pressure on it. That's another sign of something. Not sure what.

I'm pretty sure she is thinking or talking about me today. Or something else is going on with her. Assuming we can still connect physically with one another.

If that all sounds bananas, thats because it is. I don't have any explanation for these feelings which started around the time I met her.

Chakras opening up, or something. I don't know man.

Mom came in today. Thanked me for the flowers I left at her place. It was nice hearing her voice again, and I'll be visiting with her tomorrow. Forgot to mention that I'll be stuck in that course, though. From 8am-430pm. (sighs) Good thing it's free.

Boy... I don't know where life is taking me.

But I can't fight the current that is pulling me someplace.

Everything is happening for a reason.

Everything is serving a purpose.

Everything is connected.

I am... feeling momentum within me, even while typing this.

There is progression. And I have to pay close attention to my intuition.

Something is coming.

And I have to be ready to meet it.

Oh, and I think I saw a UFO yesterday at the park. Not too sure what to make of it. Just an unusual set of lights. Some of which were flashing. Probably was a plane, so I'm not worried about getting probed anytime soon.

Bad photos, obviously. Looked much brighter in person.

(sighs x2)

Well, I felt much better soon after posting before.

I decided I needed to go to another area of Elk Island where there wasn't as many people, and found a little back road that was blocked off to traffic.

Saw this sign there, just before the barricade.

The Pope was here! I had no idea John Paul made it out to Elk Island at one point, apparently he did.

Part of the trail I went on was where he walked, and since nobody appeared to be interested in going that way; I strapped on my backpack and went for a hike,

Ended up walking for a good half hour and saw a little clearing, decided to go in there where it would be even more isolated.

Found myself a nice spot by a tree and sat down. Listening to music and vaping.

And reading. I'm reading this book called Joshua by Joseph F. Girzone and its pretty good. A little too cloying at times, but it almost feels realistic even if the characters all seem to be overly accepting of a guy that keeps talking about God all the time.

I sat there for a nice long bit. The wind was blowing through the leaves, the sun was flickering in and out between the trees, and insects were crawling all over me. Saw a grasshopper, some ants, some other things that I don't really know what they're called. And none of it phased me as a read. Let them crawl over me, who cares. Not like any of these bugs are going to bite. Now, if they went up my pants and into my penis; then we would have a problem, but they were well-behaved and so I let them be.

It was nice being in this spot. Still decent weather, and that agony over Fola I had been experiencing earlier was almost completely gone.

There was a point where I thought it would be cool to see an elk or a deer as I sat there. There were some bison tracks, but no animal life in sight.

Remembering the angel manifestation from last week; I kind of had myself excited about manifesting an elk or a deer. It would've been pretty sweet.

Alas, as I kept looking up from my book to scan my surroundings; no elk or deer appeared during the entire time I was at the park. I gave up, thinking that it was worth a try. To wish for a manifestation or a sign.

Once I made my way back to the car, I thought I'd walk around a bit more and found the bench that Pope John sat on all those years ago. Of course I had to sit in it as well.

Hardworking guy. Visited a ton of countries. A really good example of a spiritual leader who was inspirational and devout. You don't see a lot of men like him anymore these days.

So, I started driving home. Had a little battle again with my thoughts, wondering why am I thinking about the same thing over and over. The principle thought was about how she got upset over my disrespect for not watching her video. I kept thinking about how absurd that all was. And it was this loop that kept playing over and over in my mind. Pure insanity, but I couldn't gently push it away. Let those thoughts play out if they must.

And driving... Well...

I saw an elk.

But...

It was laying on the side of the road. Dead. Hit by a car.

I've never seen an elk in all the years I've been driving on this highway. Much less one on the side of the road.

And much less one that I've asked to see.

(sighs)

I don't want to think about what that is supposed to mean. I wanted to see an elk, and there he was. Dead.

It is not a good omen. Or perhaps it has to be read deeper than what I saw. Maybe... death is the breath of renewal. Or death to the relationship I was in. Or...

(sighs)

Grasping at straws. I don't know what it was supposed to signify. But I did get my wish, and I suppose dead or alive doesn't matter.

Thank you, God. For listening to me.

And I went to another park afterwards. Yeah. Can't seem to get enough of parks. Didn't get out of the car, though, and I spent a good hour and a half looking at my OkCupid profile and re-doing everything,

New pictures. New profile. New jokes. Changed the preference from "anywhere near me" to "anyplace" so as to reach more people.

Eventually something will happen. I'm sure of it. Messaged two girls that I thought were intriguing. They were both into spirituality and living a non-materialistic existence.

I was pretty happy after all that, and went home. Played some Battlefront and now I'm about getting ready for a bath to do some more reading.

Mm. Well.

I feel momentum right now. Nothing is really happening, but things are happening regardless.

Not sure what, though. I realize now that I am not ready to be a father at this moment. I can't possibly take care of a child within my present situation,

So I will not be thinking about this nearly as much. Ideally, I would love to be a stepdad. I think part-time-pseudo dad is a lot easier for me to handle.

Miss Ivy.

Honestly, I do miss Fola as well.

As I was playing Battlefront, and a little before that; I could feel... love, I suppose. Love for her regardless of how it all went with us. Regardless of how justified I felt about calling her out on her B.S. while we were together. She may call it "abuse" but it was warranted. You don't treat me with disrespect multiple times, and then cry about something as petty as a YouTube video that I don't want to watch.

Anyways. Yeah.

I'm not sure what the future holds. I just miss her. And missing her is probably not going to bring me closer to the one I'm meant to be with. I don't know how to be "feeling" right now other than to just feel. And keep my eyes open to new possibilities and opportunities.

Tried painting for the first time before I did Battlefront, it was okay. Nothing amazing. Definitely not a Picasso, but it was my first try so I could get a handle on how the brush strokes felt and how much paint to use, etc. May attempt something a bit more ambitious than abstract shapes once I get a good feel for everything.

And, yeah.

That's about all there is to report. Need a job soon. Need money. Not too thrilled about taking a call tomorrow, but we will see.

My heart does not want me to go insulating, but my wallet is telling me that I have no choice.

What else could I do instead?

So, yeah.

Into the tub I go.

Some candles. Music. A good book.

It's all I need right now.

And I feel pretty okay.

Despite the fact that I miss her, I feel okay.

Nothing sad. Nothing despairing.

Just fine.

Just honest.

I will never find anyone like her again, but I may find someone better.

We will see. I don't want to jinx anything. I've already said enough times on this blog that she is here and that she is coming, etc. I think I've made my point. No need to constantly hammer it in.

Because she IS out there, and she is coming and she is here; already, but hasn't got to know me yet.

And she will.

Whenever that will be.

So...

No need to keep reminding myself of this. I have to learn how to prioritize my own life before I can start a serious relationship again. That's an important lesson. I don't want to place a woman on top of a pedestal.

Even though I knew this before meeting Fola, I kept forgetting.

(sighs)

I will do my best not to forget next time.

My life is more important than my partner.

My independence is what makes me who I am.

I cannot lose myself in another. Even if it feels exciting to do so. Especially when its mutual.

Yeah.

Got to learn how to hold onto myself. To exist on my own two feet.

And not bind myself to another so easily like I did.

Well.

I hope I don't forget this. I don't know how long I will be able to keep a healthy detachment going.

But we'll see.

Once she arrives.

We'll see.

Good night blog.

You've been a good friend.

Thank you for being you.

(sighs)

BRUTAL.

Came to Elk Island park, and bam! Thoughts of her, again.

Again and again. I can't seem to justify away their presence. I can't seem to make peace by calling her a hypocrite.

I know in time this will fade, but how long before it does?

There is a... Presence in me again. This feeling that she is right here, inside. I woke up at 5 again this morning after going to bed at 1, and my first thought was her again.

Again and again.

I really want to know what she is doing. I don't understand any of this. Are we still connected? Am I feeling the same way she is?

What the hell, man?

Earlier today I briefly entertained the idea of inviting her to read my blog. Yes. This blog, and God...

It would be such a bad idea wouldn't it?

Found out also that she blocked me on Pinterest. Another sting. And again, like a fool, I am looking on there and on her YouTube channel to see if I can piece together any clues as to how she is doing.

(sighs)

I don't get this. It almost does feel like a spell of some kind. Despite all I've written yesterday, I'm feeling spellbound again.

And... Even just thinking about seeing her again has my heart clutching a little. I don't know how I could handle that. I don't think it will be good.

But maybe it would be.

Fuck, man.

Fuck.

Met with Tyler at Humptys. Was really stumped when he asked me what I learned from working 20 years in the trades. I really had to stop and think about that one.

I learned that it is not what I am supposed to be doing. I learned to get along with people from many different backgrounds and ethnicities.

I don't know what else is there. I still need to think about this.

Tyler and I are on the same wavelength. We both want the same things from life. We both want to be happy and to find purpose and feel valuable in whatever it is that we do.

He then offered to introduce me to his mentor, a fellow named Robin who is the guy that managed to eradicate 700k worth of debt in three years.

I said sure. Set it up. Not because I need to get rid of debt, although I do, but because I like meeting interesting new people. I like learning about them.

And now, elk island. I'm looking at families walking around in this beautiful weather and imagining myself as a dad.

(sighs)

So fucking lonely. So isolated and unloved.

But I know that is not completely true.

I am loved, and I have a friend who is always by my side.

Even if I am having trouble believing that right now.

(sighs)

Life.

Ups and downs.

Twists and turns.

Got to keep flowing along with it.

While I wait for her to come.

Whoever she may be.

Conflicted

Something feels wrong today. Yesterday went well enough, as I met with Sheila for a trip to Costco and lunch afterwards. Made her feel good. Had some laughs. Even came up with a little departure fist-bump routine for us. Didn't think much of Fola at all. Felt really clear.

But, today. Today is different. I met with two members of the Theosophical Society and had a good discussion with them in their home. Pleasant folks. May meet with them again. I'm in the process of blogging about the experience on the other site.

And before I can figure out why today was different, I have to explain further what else I've done. After the meeting, I decided to drive around without a direction in mind. Ended up at this Art Walk festival where art was being displayed in this field, and you could talk to the artists.

So I did, and the first one I saw had some decent pieces. Chatted with her. Complimented her. Left her better than she was before I came.

Second one also got a compliment. Third one, another. Genuine compliments, not just me trying to be nice.

Lastly, found this guy who really had some nice pieces and spent time talking with him. The rapport was unbelievably friendly and supportive. I praised him on his technique, pointed out my favorites; asked him how he came up with his ideas, and when he said he enjoyed listening to Angels & Airwaves, I then mentioned my favorite song to him (Clever Love - the Fola song).

And then I went to get some money, because I was telling him how much good art should be rewarded and even though I don't have a job and my savings are dwindling; I took out fifty bucks to buy two prints of his. They are nice, but they aren't anything I can afford right now. Or need.

And that's the thing. I don't need them, but I bought them anyways. I did it because I believed in the words that I was telling him. That people who put their money towards good things, can expect to see more good things in the future. It is the karmic nature of money. Attention goes where money flows, and art is no exception to this rule.

I talked with his dad and his sister who was there, congratulating them both on how lucky they were to have an artist in the family. I was struck by how well spoken and congenial his father was. And how kind his sister was. It was so strange for me to have this..

connection with people.

I mean...

I feel like I am changing. I'm not entirely sure if it is for the better, even. Yes, on the surface I am being genuinely nice and supportive of others; but inside, it feels almost like a death of sorts is happening. My ego... Or the parts of myself that has made me interesting, seems to be...

I don't know.. mutating? Diminishing?

Can't figure any of it out, but the mood I was in felt.. off. Somehow. These were good people and I almost felt like I was pretending. I don't know why. I really did enjoy the pieces that I said I enjoyed. I really did back up my words and bought art that I couldn't afford. I really did think it was cool that the dad and sister had an artist in the family. I really did believe all those things

And yet, I somehow felt sad. Almost like..

I don't know. Almost like I was pretending. Like it wasn't really me.

And I started... man.. thinking about her again. Didn't think about her much yesterday, but today I really am. I don't know what is wrong with me. I keep telling myself time and time again that she is not the right person for me, but I don't know anymore. I don't know why I am so compelled to whitewash her sins and forgive her for everything she's done.

I don't know why I am this way.

And... It is made even worse, when I look at her YouTube channel and there are no new liked videos. Nothing much new on Pinterest either. I am just not seeing the kind of activity on YouTube and PT in the way that she used to be active, and it has made me concerned.

I felt the compulsion to text and ask if she was okay. Obviously I didn't do that, and I can't do that. But I wanted to. I wanted to know what was going on, and a part of me somewhat feared the possibility of her having met someone else who she is now preoccupied with.

If this is true, then it really does hurt for her to have to move on so suddenly like that. I guess I shouldn't have to be feeling hurt when I have done the same to her with Michelle and Andee; but it hurts just the same.

Just the IDEA of her becoming infatuated with someone else kind of troubles me, and I am reminded of that dream I had many months ago, where she was sitting naked in bed with another man, looking at me with those cold sad and accusing eyes.

The eyes that seemed to suggest, "you made me do it" as opposed to my original possible interpretation of, "this is how I am".

I made her do it.

I cannot bring myself to believe this. That I pushed her away. That I unconsciously abused her.

She is likely running with that narrative. That I was abusive.

There is an interesting clue, because while she "liked" the abusive video that Ralph Smart posted; she did not "like" the video he had a few days later, about finding the "one", which I find very curious. Not only did that video call her out on some of her relationship failings (ie. it needs to be watered, nurtured and made a priority); but it makes me wonder if she isn't already involved with someone who she may think is "the one".

I don't know.

But... I shouldn't be obsessing over her like this. I should not be concerned about her anymore.

But I am. I do care about her. I do love her. I want to know that she is doing okay, and I am fearful in case she really is doing okay. Or better than okay, because...

(sighs)

Because it would devalue everything we've shared, if she does that. It would mean those amazing moments we've shared had meant nothing. That there is no point to being in grief of having lost such an incredible connection with another human being.

I am doing my best to let these thoughts flow as passively as possible. When I feel them linking up to recall memories, both good and bad; I silently tell myself, "slippery slope" to remind myself not to feed the thoughts that come, otherwise they will stay for longer than they are welcome.

This is not easy for me to handle. I have faith in God. I now believe in soulmates, and the possibility of a "twin flame" out there. The woman whom I will not have my love questioned for. The woman who is not a hypocrite, who values our connection and works to maintain it. A woman with empathy and inner-beauty and intelligence and self-awareness.

A woman who is not Fola.

And yet, I continue to think about her. Weeks since we've last seen each other.

And...

Yeah.

I don't know. Today was strange. The mood I was in was strange. Not only that, but all I've eaten all day was an apple danish and a few After Eight chocolates and chips at Rogelle's and Ernest's house.

What a weak diet. Why am I fasting? My body is in fasting mode and I am a man who loves his food. I love going to places to eat.

And yet, I cannot. And I am not depressed, either. It is not sadness that appears to be inhibiting my appetite.

I did think it was about my body clearing itself out, but I did cheat a little. I did buy a small pack of Pall Mall's in the morning and smoked cigarettes instead of using my vape. Once those were done, I used the vape for the rest of the evening.

Still, though. I don't know where this is all taking me. I feel that there is a course of action being followed, and I am confused as to what that might be.

I am confused as to why I am still thinking of that woman, even though I have every reason to resent her.

And I am more confused, wondering if I did the right thing to get angry at her when I did.

I don't know. I felt that I couldn't take any more of her antagonizing. Her making a big deal out of my not watching a video was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. If I tell this to any rational person, they would likely be shaking their head along with me at why Fola would insist I rephrase my "I didn't have the chance to watch it" comment, to "I will watch it when I get the chance". Really, what difference does that make? Should I have gotten upset at her having brought this up? Could I have reacted with anything but annoyance at the time?

Yes. Yes, I could have. I could have taken her seriously, and...

Be her bitch, is what it is.

I will not be told to phrase things in a "certain" way so she doesn't feel "disrespected" by them. I've never meant to disrespect her, and she knows that. She knows that I've loved her like no one ever has. She knows that I do care about her and want good things for us.

She knows all that, and yet she wants to start an argument over something so childish and petty.

A video.

But perhaps it wasn't ever about the video. Maybe her intuition picked up on something that I don't understand. Maybe there is something deeply traumatic about her that I don't know about. But I don't think it matters. I know what her capacity for empathy is, and it is not very deep. If she has much of it at all.

So many examples in our relationship that point to this lack of empathy within her.

So many examples of thoughtlessness on her part. So many indications that she has a lack of self-awareness about herself, and is unable to really "learn" anything about her behavior and the effect it has had on my own.

For instance, if you offer to come by and make me breakfast, but show up without a smile or a hug or a kiss; then I am assuming that you are only there to fulfill some sort of expectation that you think I have of you, which you aren't particularly enthusiastic about carrying out.

I could point that out to her, "hey you didn't seem all that happy about coming to make me breakfast" but this would cause an argument and she would get defensive. Telling me that I should be grateful she came over to make me breakfast at all.

So, she is really unconsciously sly about the way she's been antagonizing me. These small digs and indications and barbs. Death by a thousand paper cuts is really what the relationship felt like to me. All these constant micro-wounds, and some large ones as well. Particularly when she promises to come over, but changes her mind. Those are the worst.

I am writing all this down to again remind myself that she is the wrong person. There never should be a need to question the love of someone you are in a relationship with, if you truly feel a genuine love towards them. If you really loved someone, you would try your best to show them.

And the love that we've shared... well... if that doesn't inspire anyone to reciprocate, then I don't know what would.

She's had every opportunity to reciprocate. And she sometimes did, but in these tiny ways. These almost grudging kind of ways. Like she couldn't mask the fact that what she was doing was "work" to her, and that it was intended to please me. They did not come from an authentic place. There was nothing heartfelt about any of these gestures that I can think of, other than the fact of their inception.

There was simply no warmth to that woman. The illusion of it existed near the beginning, but that soon faded once we began fighting. I have not had the impression that she truly loved me. I could never see how that was being expressed, and had she truly loved me; she would not have acted the way she had, in the past. For instance, sitting with Ryan instead of me at the bar. Or refusing sex that evening, and the morning after.

Again, she is not a good person. I keep reminding myself this and I keep seeming to forget.

Mentioned her to Rogelle, and Rogelle immediately knew Fola's first and last name. I thought that was impressive. She must have really left a good impression on them. I found it funny that Larry was mentioned as refusing not to come with her, and that Fola often promised to come to meetings, but kept changing her mind.

I helped bring them both up to speed on her separation, and our relationship. Why not? May as well see if they knew anything about soulmates within the context of Theosophy.

They didn't. Even though looking at them both, I could see that they were soulmates. They have been married for almost 50 years now.

The way Rogelle looked at her husband, with that smile, those bright eyes...

(sighs)

That's love, right there. That is not what Fola and I were having later in the relationship. After the "luster" had faded from her eyes. No matter how great everything else was going with us. The novelty had worn off, and those beautiful bright eyes were reserved for people like Ryan, or the guy with the lion shirt in Arizona; or the fellow she sat next to on the plane.

Or for whomever else she wants to "snare" into her little trap.

Fuck man, I need to accept that she is a narcissist and that is that. She is not a good person. Not a good mother. Wasn't a good wife, in the sense of forcing her husband into polyamory against his initial wishes and against their wedding vows.

While she did not lie to me, she did leave out so much. She was not vulnerable or filled with depth. She had no depth. There was nothing down there inside of her that would have stirred my soul.

And I have stirred her soul plenty enough times.

Yeah. See... This is the part that I am confused about.

Did I do the right thing to leave?

Or should I have stayed to help her?

But how? How could I help someone who does not seem to understand that they need to be helped? I loved her, I would've stayed if I knew that my patience would pay off. But I didn't see this kind of meaningful progress, and I am wondering if I've done it all wrong. Maybe I was impatient, maybe I could've been more independent. Maybe I should've not given my heart to her as freely as I did until I was absolutely sure she would be doing the same.

She argued with me at first when we met, about my insulting her for saying that she was in "superficial" relationships with the guy whose dick she sucks every once in awhile; and Jessica, who she picked up an STD from.

And then she breaks up with them both.

Yeah, I guess they were superficial after all.

And then I felt doubly insulted when maybe four or five months later, she tells me she needs to call Jess to apologize to her for the way she left off things.

Yeah, go ahead and restablish that superficial connection of yours. Where you were used for other people's amusement and sexual fulfillment. Where you picked up an STD. Where you are treated like an object and not a person.

Go ahead, Fola. Go ahead and fuck your life up.

I tried. It worked for a while. I helped you along to get a divorce going; I helped you realize the depths of love and sex and communication and chemistry and forgiveness and passion; but.. I don't know. Maybe you are back with Larry again. Maybe you aren't going to get divorced. Maybe you will be back to being poly again.

99% sure you were monogamous, right? There is always that 1% you left open as a just in case.

(sighs)

Yeah.. Fuck, man... How long do I have to.. keep wondering about all this? Did I do the right thing or not?

Even if I didn't, I should still be able to make peace with all this. I should not be so.. bound by her. So.. ruled over.

And this sense.. that eventually I will see her again, it still haunts me. And this other sense, that maybe I will never see her, haunts me also.

She still owes me money. At any time she may come by to pay it. Leaving me wondering.

And..

I don't know what would happen if I see her again. I can imagine things opening up inside of ourselves. I can imagine feelings being reignited.

I don't know. But if she has any integrity, she will pay me back. Except she doesn't. It has been four or five months since our trip. That should speak to her integrity.

(sighs)

FUCK.

David. Get your shit together.

This woman has a spell over you.

You need to snap out of it.

You've done the best you could. You know you've given her everything you could. You were the greatest version you could possibly be at the time. There are no regrets. there is no reason to apologize for her making you angry when you felt betrayal and hypocrisy and thoughtlessness.

The three of Swords, remember?

You were not a priority to her, David. Not like she was to you.

And that is important to keep mindful of.

You were a toy.

A plaything.

Just like Trina once claimed you to be

The Devil's plaything.

And you are still being played, if you allow yourself to think that you have done something wrong.

You didn't.

That woman has had deep hooks into you, and she still does.

She feels it as well as you do.

She knows it.

And she is likely ignorant of all the good that has been experienced in your relationship. Her memory is not one to grasp just how good the sex and chemistry and connection really was. She marveled over the signs and synchronicites, and then forgot their importance.

She is not miserable about it either. Not like she once was.

She has made her peace. Even if it was under the guise of you being abusive towards her. That is the only way she can avoid taking responsibility for her flaws. By blaming you for them.

And you will just have to accept that you are being blamed.

No matter how much it upsets you to know that it isn't true.

The Truth will always be within you. You know you've done your best. You know your heart was given freely.

You know you've tried.

The same cannot be said for her.

Remember.

Don't ever apologize for how you behaved.

Be grateful for the experience and move on.

There are better people out there for you.

They are coming your way.

Be brave, be patient and above all; be faithful.

You know you deserve to be loved.

And she does not.

She did nothing to earn it. Nothing to be deserving of what you were giving to her.

You gave her your everything, and she did not.

She disrespected YOU. Many times before you began to do the same.

And the crime lies in whether or not you are willing to believe that you must be punished for it.

You will not be punished unless you allow yourself to be.

You did nothing wrong.

You've done your best.

Now walk from this moment on with dignity.

Don't ever lose sight of who you actually are.

And what you need and want from life.

If you ever get lost and are confused about what to do. Always remember the directions.

Always remember that the only map you need is love.

You'll get to where you want to to be eventually, and this time in your life will be little else than a memory.

But you must first make peace with it.

Forgive Fola, and forgive yourself.

Then move on.

You've done nothing wrong.

And in a way, neither did she.

She was Fola.

And you were David.

You both could not get along.

No matter how much you tried to.

Even if you think you were the only one to be really trying,

It takes two, not one, to form a healthy relationship.

She was not making it a priority.

Despite the words she promised.

When you think of Fola, always associate this one word:

HYPOCRITE.

And remember that fully. All the examples and ways that demonstrated this inability to stand by the words that she spoke.

Always remember the false promises.

"I am willing to work things out..." she said to you one day, before asking to break up the next day.

NEVER FORGET THIS.

Those are not the actions of a loving or a sane individual.

She is insane.

And if you were to get back together with her.

You will become insane as well.

NEVER FORGET THIS.

You can still love her, but you do not have to be with her.

You can still love others, as well.

She does not take away your ability to give and receive love.

No matter how much room she takes up inside of your mind.

She does not deserve the goodness of who you are.

NEVER FORGET THIS.

She did not deserve the goodness of who you are.

If she saw something different, then that is her right.

If she denies the Truth, then she will suffer the consequences eventually.

Or perhaps she will not. Maybe she will find true love while you will remain single the rest of your life.

That is what you must come to find peace with.

Not being attached to such outcomes.

Always moving forward.

Always believing in yourself.

And believing that there is something up there, that also believes in you.

And it is helping you.

It is watching.

It is bringing you surprises.

Once you are ready to receive them.

But you must first be ready.

And that requires peace.

And lessons learned.

You've done nothing wrong other than to have lost patience with her irrational way of being.

As would any man.

You've given her enough chances. You've forgiven her enough times.

She's made her promises. She's failed them.

Don't ever take responsibility for her failures.

Those are hers and hers alone.

Now.

Get ready for the next one.

It's coming.

It's here.

And it will be spectacular.

Karma Chameleon

Still laying in bed thinking.

I'm realizing that maybe I was the tester in our relationship. She claimed in the beginning that she wanted to give and get unconditional love; and I did my best to give it to her.

And she didn't reciprocate, or make love a priority.

Hmm. Now how does this relate to karma?

I owed her a debt, or did she?

If I owed her, then I've given her all the love and attention and affection I could gather up within myself. I surprised her with gifts. Gave her great sex. Conversations. Etc.

If I owe a debt, then consider it paid.

Now, if she owed me one...

Oh boy.

It's so not paid back.

And it is hilariously reflected in how she still owes me money from our trip to Arizona.

She still owes me.

I'll be hearing from her eventually. And if I don't; then that negative karma will still be on her.

And who knows what that will really mean.

We'll see.

Huh.

I'm in bed right now and going over my early posts from the beginning of the year, where I first met Fola.

What an eye opener.

Huh.

I wasn't as smitten by her immediately as I thought. Our connection wasn't completely deep in the early days, and I was doing a fantastic job of keeping objective and detached.

And even though I've only read a small handful of posts; it is so obvious how much conflict and uncertainty she has been bringing to the relationship from the very beginning of when it started.

I was only really smitten, when she first spent the night at my place.

Now I'm thinking that she can't possibly be my soulmate. No way. Oops, I meant twin flame. She's not my twin flame, but she's definitely a soulmate.

She's not the one for me.

Huh.

But...

Hmm.

And.. Yeah. I'm going back to reading more.

I'm starting to think that it was me, who made things the way they were in the relationship. I allowed for that deeper connection. Of course she had a part to play as well, but all she needed to be was receptive.

I was the active one.

I made everything special.

Hmm.

My imagination has gotten the better of me. I was having chains wrapped around me without even realizing they were there.

And she placed them on.

Heh. I was played.

Interesting.

But perhaps I played her.

Tic for tac.

Hmmmmmmmm. Very interesting how she managed to make me lose sight of my detachment and keeping true to who I am.

I was right, though. Early on I predicted that I wouldn't have a broken heart if we broke up, and I don't.

I predicted we would go to Arizona as well.

Huh.

Going back to reading. I'll write more thoughts tomorrow. We'll see what else I can spot from what I wrote.

Yeah.

I made us into who we were.

It was me.

Bound

(from yesterday) 11:11:11. Nice.

Second post today, and boy, am I hooped.

Temporarily, anyways.

I'm in intellectual and spiritual confusion, my friends. My "third eye" has been.. feeling like pressure is on it, but I'm not feeling heightened intuition which is normally a product of it. So, it can't be that; or intuition/divine connection may not actually originate from somewhere between the eyes. I've experimented with that today, and told God to "guide me" where my intuition takes me.

It took me downtown, to Ascendant Books. I bought Himalayan bath salts there. 

And there was a really pretty brunette that I tried to catch the eye of. No dice.

Didn't bother stopping into Remedy, and during the entire drive; I kept looking for the "car". That red car. Which is doubly-sad, because I now have Georgina and Fola both attached to it. So my head is swiveling at every red car that passes me on the road, just about.

Hm. Again, intuition. So.. I couldn't get any "feelings" from what I was supposed to be doing or where I was going. I tried to block out a destination in my mind after I left the bookstore. Originally, I had thought to visit the Legislature grounds and go for a walk; but that didn't work out. My "intuition" led me to the old Royal Alberta Museum, where I parked and thought I would go for a walk.

Saw a path nearby and took it, it certainly looked inviting enough:

But then I saw this, about ten seconds from where I started:

Heck if I am going to make my way down a slope that steep. No thanks. (note: picture wasn't taken at the steepest angle) So, I went back up the hill and looked at this thing for awhile:

And then went back inside the car. To sit and think.

Those physical sensations I am experiencing are so difficult to make sense of. Inside of my left ear it feels like an "energetic" pressure, some bit of pressure between the eyes, and this is a little strange, but instead of a warm glowing sensation from the chest (which is good), I'm feeling something close to that but not quite. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe a bit of a constriction? Either that, or more of a refined "warmth" to where it feels almost sharp. 

So hard to explain. I am self-aware by nature, so I pay attention to all these inconsequential details. 

Except they're not inconsequential. They're clues. Clues that once understood, can help unravel the confusion that I find myself bound inside of.

In the car, I again was having so many thoughts of her that I felt compelled to look up more information on Twin Flames. Re-reading old material and re-watching old videos.

Still doesn't make any sense. So much contradictory information. Ralph Smart would say that your "true" Twin Flame mirrors your best qualities, while your false one does not. And to this I can only think: "Well, she brought out the intellectual, perceptive and passionate side of myself, but she also brought out the neediness in me. The angry side of me that is rarely shown, also."

I rarely get mad or upset, but boy, was she ever good at pushing my buttons just the right way. Starting arguments over nothing. Petty, childish behavior. Immature. Selfish. Self-centered.

Ugh.

She can't possibly be my Twin Flame, I'm reasoning, while looking at articles that seem to suggest she is, and other articles that says she is not.

I'm looking at soulmates and karmic relationships, and everyone has a different opinion or borrows from the same source that the article is identical to something I had already read elsewhere.

I realized then, that I can't just... Go by anyone else's opinion. I've tried prayer, I've tried pleading for answers; and I am not sure if I received any.

I am going to take this opportunity to re-state a few facts:

1) Fola was poly when we met. Shortly after sleeping with me, she stopped sleeping with other people. Including her own husband. She made mention to me at one point, that she tried to get physical with Larry; but "something" was preventing her from doing so, and her heart area felt tight and constricted. It was too "painful" to have sex.

That one is an interesting fact. Twin Flames do feel like they're "cheating" on each other when they are with other people. I've felt that with Andee, and Fola has felt that really early on in our relationship with her own husband.

2) She did NOT "mirror" me in ways that I could agree upon as mirroring my own core values and beliefs and ideas. That is indicative of a FALSE twin flame, when she is not wanting to be monogamous, hates the idea of labels and conformity. Did not want to ever be married again (but later said it was a possibility, sighs). Did not want more kids. Did not give as much as I was giving her. Did not seem to like dogs, or banana splits, or Elvis or retro stuff. Did NOT like America's Got Talent (sheesh). 

And so #2 seems in contradiction to the Twin Flames dynamic. Not much in the way of shared values, although we shared other common interests. Such as music and spirituality.

3) She was argumentative over the most petty of things. The YouTube video. The diner in Arizona that she resented having to go to, despite telling me that she is "okay" with doing whatever I had planned. She seemed to refuse sex that one night when Ryan was over, out of spite; and made me not want to have it with her in the morning. She did not work towards increasing harmony, love or vulnerability in our relationship. She did not seem to take it as seriously as I was taking it. She would make dates to meet, and break them. With or without reasons. And is easily distracted by other things despite any of the plans we may have made. Such as that invite to the party.

#3 Does not sound like a Twin Flame dynamic to me. Definitely not, right?

4) This is the big one for me, but Fola refused to really "open" herself up. She could not be vulnerable around me, it seems, and tried to later say that she didn't feel "secure" which was a joke, because that was something she said many months later, when she always had trouble being vulnerable around me from almost the very beginning. Despite my sharing all the vulnerability I could with her. And also, this is important to note, but I felt a bit insecure around her too. I didn't feel like I could completely trust her, and so I held back on expressing certain things or telling her certain stories of my past.

#4 Does not sound like a Twin Flame dynamic. There needs to be mutual trust. Or at least earnest attempts on BOTH of our parts to increase it. But just like with the psychic reading she wouldn't tell me about on our trip to Arizona, or any of the Reiki symbols she's learned, or sharing any of her journal entries with me despite sharing my own. Getting to the root of who she is, was a battle that was difficult to win. She once told me that I "projected" depth onto her that wasn't there, but when I asked if I could read some pages of her journal, she said no. And I'm pretty sure that there was plenty of depth to be had. I am expected to share my heartfelt thoughts, but not her? Not a Twin Flame.

5) Sex was unreal. The eye gazing was long and profound. The touches were amazing. There were times we almost felt like "one" being. Conversation was easy and frequent and the silences inbetween were comforting and serene. 

Sounds like Twin Flames to me.

6) Her capacity to love was weak. This is the part that is tripping me up a little. Because from what I understand about the heart chakra within Twin Flames; one is usually more loving than the other, and that more loving person helps the other "open" up their capacity to love.

I don't think I was able to quite do that with her. But I am reminded of how she reported chest pains early on in our relationship. As if it was expanding like a balloon that was about the burst. That part is interesting. It may signify the true purpose of our relationship, for me to come along and help do that for her. To open her up. Both her heart and her eyes to new possibilities. As a poly who claimed she could "love" multiple people; it made sense that her definition of love was skewed, and I was the one who had to come along and show her how it was done. Or how it was supposed to be, even if she refused to play along as well as I was. Even if she refused to be as open and trusting towards me, as I was to her.

#6 is to me, another very important clue as to the nature of our relationship. I'm on the fence with this one. Was that all that was supposed to have been done on my part? To play my role in helping her realize a better version of who she is and prepare her for someone else down the line? Or was I preparing her for me? Her Twin Flame? I don't know, but we aren't together now and I am unsure as to what circumstances will be bringing us back together again. If we ever do. 

I am reasoning that if God does exist, he has looked inside the hearts of both of us and will bring about the best resolution possible, should we both be appealing towards it. Perhaps we are meant to be together, but neither of us are ready. If that is the case, then it is simply a matter of patience and working on keeping myself happy and content with what I have right now. Hopefully working towards my life purpose, whatever that happens to be.

Hmm.. What other facts are there... Well, I didn't like how she treated her dog, or how she acted around her child almost as if she was embarrassed to be her mother... That's not how I would treat my dog or my child, but then again, I am neither a jaded pet owner or a father, so I do not know for sure how I would be affected after enough time with a dog or a child.

Karmic relationship.. Heh.. Soulmates.. double heh.

I don't know anymore man.

I'm trying to feel into my soul on this, and these strange physical sensations aren't helping me. I am wondering if she is thinking of me. I am wondering if I have done something wrong. I am wondering if we are meant to be. I am wondering if the right one for me is elsewhere and soon to arrive.

Just wondering, wondering wondering.

Because of the Tarot cards that revealed "soulmates" + "karmic debt" + "Atlantis" that I did at Sundra Healing; I am wondering. Was there a Twin Flames card in that deck? I'm going to have to check to make sure. If so, then Fola and I are soulmates who shared a profound connection and my real Twin Flame is elsewhere, I suppose.

And there are more than one soulmates out there.

Apparently.

Never did experience anything with anyone like I have with Fola, though.

Even Lauren and I didn't have conversations like that. I'm glad I recorded some of them. Was tempted to put them onto my phone so I could listen to a few of those.

But, do I really want to be constantly thinking of her? I don't. Again, I don't want to fight these thoughts either. But they aren't leaving me alone. They come and go, and so does the doubt. The questions. The constant wondering.

I think I need to make some serious effort to meditate regularly again. I don't know what else I can do. Meditate and pray on a daily basis. 

Hope that eventually I will find the answers. Or the right person, who will be the answer herself.

If this was a relationship that was meant to be, then it still would be. We would still be together.

Right?

If she really wanted to be with me, then she would be. She would try to make things work. 

But, she didn't and she does not seem to want to. No matter how many arguments we've had. Talking amounts to nothing if you do not learn from the past. I don't think she's apologized much for anything of what she has done. In my opinion, a "sorry" in text form, isn't the most sincerest and believable apology for anything. Action is.

She was all talk, and little action. Although there was some action. Just not much.

(sighs)

I really need to let her go. She wasn't good for me, but she COULD have been good for me. That is the part I am struggling with. And the other part is thinking that she will be good for me LATER down the road. Should she happen to evolve her perspective and capacity for love and the expression of it.

But.. 

(sighs)

Yeah. 

My God, she was so clueless at times. So inconsiderate and without empathy. Didn't appreciate our connection. Completely was taking it for granted, like some exciting sort of thing that she didn't have to take any responsibility for nurturing and growing.

She was into the dark shit. She wanted rituals. Thought Aleister Crowley was "misunderstood" despite him having fucked a bunch of pubescent kids and died penniless and alone.

What a.. cold person she is.

She was not mirroring me at all.

I had to explain everything to her. Any normal person with empathy wouldn't have to be explained why going over to some guy's house alone while I am home in a bad mood, having taken a day off work; is a BAD idea, when she should offer to come and cheer me up.

Man... 

Okay. This can't be my Twin Flame. I can't possibly...

Hoo, boy.

There's that doubt again.

Hmm.

Not every day is going to be like this, but today certainly is.

I need to take a salt bath. Meditate. I'm going to try turning vegan for a while. Get myself in as high of an alignment as possible. Maybe yoga. Every little thing that can bring me closer to the Truth or to my real Twin Flame; is worth attempting.

Anything that can bring me closer to God, will be pursued. Should I be able to convince myself of their benefit.

Well.

Here goes nothing.

Awakening

Interesting night of sleep I've had.

Woke up once somewhere at around 2am, and recalled a fragment of a dream where I confessed wholeheartedly to my stepdad about how I cannot do insulating work for the rest of my life. I remember the depth of what I was telling him, and how sincerely I communicated this feeling. At the end, I recall having had a few tears go down my cheek.

I then woke up at around 5am. It made no sense to be up this early, and my first thought was Fola. I imagined she must have been awake as well, and was perhaps thinking about me. I had the sense that she might have been meditating.

And as I allowed my thoughts to think of her, my body was switching between three "positions" that were unusual. The first one was placing both hands across my chest, with the flat of my right foot pressed against the side of my right knee. It felt so good and comfortable, but unconventional. I remember instinctively doing this position around the time when we first met.

Second position was me laying on my right side with both arms outstretched and hands clasped outward. My right leg overlapped onto my left, and my knee was in this perfect groove that made this position also extremely comfortable. Again. Unusual.

Last position is harder to describe. It was my right arm across and under my chin, with part of my left hand also under the chin. It was like a choke hold almost. I've forgotten how my legs were arranged, but again, unconventional and comfortable.

When I woke up at 5, I was not only thinking of Fola, but I felt this clarity about myself. This "clear" and "bright" feeling. It is still lingering now, as I sit in my car having coffee.

I also remembered thinking that I had a "productive" night of dreaming. There is no real better way of me describing it. It felt like I dreamed what I needed to dream, and that there was something worthwhile, that had been accomplished. Whatever that might have been.

I find it interesting also, that I haven't had any dreams of Fola, really. In all my time with her and up until now; I've only had two, that I can remember. For someone who is apparently my soulmate or twin flame, this is unusual. I would imagine I'd be dreaming more frequently of her.

And another interesting fragment I remember, is a dream where I went to a house and it was a mess. It was my house, and papers were strewn about. I remembered entering the front door, wondering why it was unlocked.

And as I investigated the reason why everything was a mess, I came across a short woman with dark blond hair. She appeared to be in her late 20s or early 30s, and I got the sense that she was... Or is, involved in a relationship with me. But she found out something that she didn't like, among my papers, and I remembered having to be concerned and asking her what was wrong.

That's it for that one. Not quite sure how to analyze it, other to imagine there was a sense of betrayal involved that I was somehow responsible for. Perhaps she represented the woman making her way towards me, but I don't know who she was, really. She did look familiar somehow.

Hmm.

So, yeah. Felt like a productive night of dreaming, if that makes any sense. Waking up at that time was unusual also, and so were those three positions. I also, ahem, was aroused enough that I had to relieve some tension in thinking about my ex. Wasn't too proud of that, but it was a really nice orgasm and I didn't care that she was on my mind during it. I am not going to be fighting these thoughts.

New day. Still don't have a job, and still not wanting to insulate. There are tons of calls in the hall, over 30 of them, but I am really not feeling like going to work soon. Not that I don't want to work, and contribute towards society; but because I feel that I am being wasted in the occupation that I am in. Still, though, I don't have any other options that I can think of pursuing. Yesterday I thought I would be great as a counsellor, but I would need a year of schooling in order to get accredited. I don't have the finances to do that with.

(sighs) still trusting that the man upstairs has my back. Today feels different. I am assuming that there are processes in motion that take time to complete. I will have to wait patiently while they do. The clarity and feeling of accomplishment; surely indicates some form of satisfaction has been granted. Perhaps I have experienced answers or encouragement during my sleep, even if I cannot remember what those are.

Let's hope my gut is right on this one.

No.

Let's know that it is.

There are powers out there that are beyond imagination and scale.

And they are benevolent.

I am watched over.

And I am loved.

Forward

Yesterday was interesting. Shortly after I made the last post, I was contacted by Sheila, who is this lady from eHarmony that wanted to chat with me.

What was interesting in particular, is that she sent me a "smile" in early August that I reciprocated, but when she responded to my message with a one-word answer; I just didn't bother responding. I figured she was one of those vanity queens that wanted the world to cater to them and carry the conversation.

Well, about four days ago, I realized how unfair I was in judging her to be that way, so I send her an apology explaining why I choose to ignore her. She then responded with a slew of messages and suggested we chat that "weekend" which she didn't bother phoning me during.

Until today.

She calls, and its a private number. She didn't give me her number over eHarmony, and explained further that she accidentally chatted with clients of hers (she's a social worker), and that was the reason for all the distrust/lack of messages/etc.

Anyways, we talked for over an hour. About consciousness, mainly, and our thoughts on it. I found myself handling the conversation quite well, knowing about Shrodinger's Cat and bringing up the double-slit experiment, etc. Consciousness, quantum physics, its all the same stuff.

So, she was enthused enough about our conversation that we met about an hour after it ended at Boston Pizza. She was much prettier in person and a lot less snobby than her photos made her out to be. Really intelligent and motivated gal. I enjoyed talking to her.

It was hard eating though. I could barely pay attention to my food, and neither could she. We eventually forgot to take the boxed up remains of our meal before we went over to Ikea.

Again, tight bubble. The world didn't exist except the two of us. We breezed through IKEA without really looking at anything. Stopping for coffee and ice cream near the exit, only to talk for another hour or so.

It was basically four hours of us talking about our exes, mainly. There wasn't much in the way of quantum physics after our phone conversation. Sheila was really hurt by someone who cheated on her, and not only that but twice. Two guys cheated on her. Long-term relationships. 3 and 4 years respectively. Both good looking guys, and she kept showing me photos of the "model" she was involved with.

Meh. I.. I guess it was catharic in a sense. We both got our exes off of our minds. She still didn't seem to be over the "model" guy, and I wasn't completely over Fola, I suppose. I tried to explain the connection Fola and I had, and she couldn't quite understand it. And her connection with her ex was intense, but a different sort of intensity. The dude was cutting "I love you" into his arm when she wanted to break up after finding out he cheated on her. With multiple women.

Brutal stuff. Lots of ugliness coming from us both.

We're also both empaths, it seems.

Anyways. Yeah. Conversation ended on a bit of a downer, when I gave examples to her of how deep my connection with Fola really was; and I think she was weirded out when I explained how we "shocked" each other with "energy" that one evening in bed after doing pot brownies, and yeah. No need to retread old stuff that is already written in my blog, but I could tell she had no idea what to make of all that.

I had her also say, "you guys look so cute together" when showing her photos of us. *sighs* that is not the first time I've heard that. It really.. Yeah.. hit me. We did look good together.

We may even be twin flames.

Fuck, me...

So.. I didn't know where to go after IKEA. I had no plans to do anything. Didn't want to just go home, so I drove outside the city a little bit and found an isolated spot to park in. Sat there thinking about stuff. Listened to music, and then began making my way home where I found another isolated spot on the way there, and sat there for a long while.

Then, Sheila called again. Another long conversation. Really interesting. About relationships, and being an empath. The reason she called was primarily because she read my other blog, and was impressed by the "about me" section I had on there as well as one of my articles.

Yeah, so.. Despite how good this all sounds as far as a potential girlfriend goes; she's not my type. The conversation was stimulating, sure, but I think it was mainly because of how I carried it. I hate to take credit, but I think I said more things of use than she did. So.. I..

Yeah. She... made me miss the ...

Man.

(sighs)

Fola.

Olufolakemi.

...

Sheila called me again today, really excited to talk. Really appreciative of our conversations yesterday. But, yeah. I don't feel much of anything for her, and it reminds me why I don't really like having female friends. Michelle texted me a whole bunch last night too, and that was a bit different because she was asking for advice, and I was happy to provide something of value to her.

But Sheila.. Mm.. Yeah... I'm not going to say I dislike talking to her because I do, but I am also realizing that if and when the lady who is meant for me arrives; I can't divide up my time and energy between her and other people. I mean, I will, obviously, but I won't be able to give my "friend" relationships the attention they might deserve.

Or maybe... The attention needed to sustain them. I don't know. I don't even know if I want to be friends once my lady arrives, but for now it'll do.

It's tough. I didn't do much of anything today. Actually, that is wrong. I cleaned up the place a bit and though it seems like I kept busy for a few hours, there wasn't a whole lot to show for it. Got rid of a bunch of food items, such as cereal from 2014 (Apple Jacks!), and other small odds and ends that I've forgotten about. Cleaned the bathroom. Uhm.. Swept the floor. Wiped the glass on the patio door. Dusted. Random odds and ends.

Then I went to Elk Island Park. There was nobody there until about a half hour after I arrived. A big bus of Asian tourists emptied out, and a crowd of them came towards the lake, holding selfie sticks and whatnot. It was a humorous sight, but I was certainly reminded of how beautiful that lake actually is, and I smiled along with them at how they were appreciating all of it.

I went for a walk shortly after that. It was a gloomy, cloudy day and the sun couldn't be seen; but there did come a moment when it peeked out, and I immediately turned towards it.

And talked.

To me, I like to pretend like the sun is God. Or an aspect of Him, anyways, that I can directly address.

I told him how... I was confused. How I don't really know what to do or where to go. How to steer my life. In what direction.

I reminded him that I appreciate any signs that He felt would be useful to send my way.

Didn't have any signs or anything, unfortunately.

It felt... I felt alone, more or less, but... I also realized that I need to take matters into my own hands. I needed to learn some focus and discipline. I had a book on Yoga with me, and though I keep meaning to try it; I never made a serious attempt of it.

I flipped through this book and realized that I really should be operating off of my intuition. Today was the first time in a long while that I thought about intuition, and how it has served me in the past.

I realized that all those yoga poses were really not as valuable as they seemed, if my intuition did not feel inspired by most of the ones I've looked at. I realized also, that in the past, my body would contort itself in certain ways (during sleep) that came from necessity on an intuitive level.

I most remember placing both hands over my heart, and my right (or left) leg is pressed against the side of the other. I don't remember ever having done this before, but I do know that this behavior started about a month or so before I met Fola. And shortly afterwards as well.

And I thought of other instances in the past where it seems like my intuition knew what it was doing. Even this week, with having quit smoking and not eating hardly anything; I'm noticing that my intuition is at work. I'm operating off of something unseen that is telling me I need to fast, and to cut down on meat, and sugar and coffee.

I've had a single muffin today and I am not hungry.

A raisin-bran muffin. That's all, folks.

I am certainly being prepared (or preparing myself) for something. Not sure what, though.

But something is coming.

I looked up the chakras again, mindful of the third eye sensation I've been having today, and mindful of other instances in the past of other sensations and thought I should research them more fully.

Took a chakra test, and like Boyd once told me at Sundra Healing; it looks like I need to focus on my throat and sacral chakras.

Yeah, chakras. Who knows...

But there is something to that warmth in my chest. The sensation between my eyes. Top of my head, etc. Different things I've experienced at different times in life, and recently.

I tried to figure them all out.

Couldn't really do it. But I do know that certain parts of my body do become energized in some way. But not by any conscious means. I didn't meditate on these chakras. I... don't know how I "activate" the "third-eye" or why I don't seem to have psychic powers even while feeling those sensations.

Who knows... Maybe I do have those powers. But I'm thinking other things. Maybe that third eye sensation doesn't mean what mainstream literature is saying about it. Maybe it means something else.

I don't think the Yogis may have gotten everything completely right in their assessment of the seven major chakras. Or at least there is some part of the puzzle missing in all this. At least in relation to me.

Hmm.

So, I decided I'm going to see what happens if I focus on my throat and sacral chakra. I'm going to try meditating tonight and see if I can effect any change on those, through music and conscious awareness. Maybe burn an incense stick or two while doing it.

Hm.

Life is weird. Such a mystery. I don't know what to make of it sometimes, and I sometimes also think its so simple. So ridiculously simple among all the complexity it seems to have, that I feel dumb for thinking there is more depth than there really is

I'm just thinking that its all about love. Everything is all about love. We're not put here to suffer, we're here to learn how to give and receive love and to understand its value, and our relationships with the ones we love and are loved by; are reflections of the love we have for ourselves and for divinity. For God, perhaps. For nature. For the Universe.

The Infinite Universe of Love and Light.

Hm.

No, it can't be that simple.

Could it?

I'm still focusing on my intentions. I'm still paying extra attention to self-awareness and how my body is feeling and needing.

Right now? Mild third eye, and an interesting heart sensation that is a bit different than before with Fola.

I'm a little excited, thinking that it is a precursor of some sort. That it is leading to something.

Or someone.

Third eye just throbbed as I typed that. Hmm.

Might be an indication of manifestation.

I really should get into a salt bath.

There is something about that, that I seem to be needing right now.

Hm.

Yeah.

Life is weird.

Not sure what else to type here.

I...

I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose.

I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity.

Fola loves me unconditionally, and has acknowledged and apologized for the mistakes of the past.

And...

True love is coming my way.

...

Hm.

Yeah.

Bath time.