Follow Up

Hm. So it looks like Fola doesn't seem to understand or will acknowledge that she snubbed me today when she said she would keep me "updated" on whether or not we were going out for food on her break.

Just read a quote from Dr. George King regarding love. He says:

"hypocrisy is the killer of love."

My mistake, just looked up the quote again:

"…the slayer of LOVE is hypocrisy…"

https://www.aetherius.org/what-is-love/

Interesting. I was really reminded of Fola when I read that. Particularly with how often she tells me about wanting to give and receive unconditional love.

Man. That girl I tell you.

The giving part is clearly problematic for her, although she'll happily accept the receiving. Craves it, actually.

Yeah. This doesn't paint a good picture.

I'm thinking now, what should I do? How should I handle someone like her? Just go on loving her as fully and unconditionally as I can? I would be willing to do so, and have, but I've yet to see it returned in even a fraction of what I have given her.

I'm an idiot. I really am, but I keep getting suckered into this relationship. No matter what she does to upset me, I'm always back. Wagging my tail.

And she's just...

Ugh.

I don't know what to do. Hold on to my self respect I suppose. What else? Shouldn't I be true to my feelings, and love her regardless of the many small wounds she inflicts upon me?

When is enough going to be enough?

I know that if we had a child together, it would make things worse. I've seen her relationship towards Ivy and her feelings about not having enough "freedom" because she has a daughter to worry about.

A daughter that she once asked for, but didn't think it through. Telling Larry, her husband, to "put a baby in me" to which he obliged.

No thought to that decision at all. And no real appreciation for the beautiful girl she gave birth to. I know she would vehemently deny these charges if she read them, concocting whatever excuse she can come up with; but the truth stands.

That woman does not have much love in her. No wonder she craves it. No wonder we magically get back together so often.

I badly want to give it, but not like this.

Not to someone who does not appreciate it.

Man. This makes me sound selfish, and that's another issue. Can I possibly love unconditionally and not want anything in return? Aren't such things naturally reciprocated?

Or am I missing something important here?

Am I being blown about by my selfish desires?

I don't know. I...

Don't know.

Any outsider would look at us and tell me to leave and run as far away from Fola as possible. It has been four instances of the three of Swords so far. How many more signs will I need?

Heartbreak. Pain. Betrayal.

But it doesn't have to end that way. Not unless I allow it.

And boy, am I doing my best not to allow her to break me.

In this way, I am grateful. She's changing me. She's making me stronger and dragging me to a greater depth and understanding by causing me these pains. Making me confront my insecurities. Making me question my worth.

Ideally, I will overcome all that and emerge stronger and more capable and deserving of the one I'm truly meant to be with.

Unless it's her. Maybe it'll take years for us to stabalize.

Maybe it'll never happen.

Again, I don't know what the big guy upstairs has planned. Or the higher self version. Whoever arranged for these lessons to take place.

Hmm. Love myself first and foremost.

Have no expectations.

Be of service to others and Truth.

Honor each as fully as I can.

Hmm. But with Fola... Is my "lesson" to give up on her, or to keep going and trying and evolving, no matter how painful it gets?

That I still have yet to find out.

All things in time.

What a journey this has been. What a ride.

Hmm.

Yeah. I don't know what to do other than follow my heart more than my head. And I am burdened with the belief that people can change.

But only if they truly desire to redeem themselves.

And Fola has me thinking that maybe she does, and maybe she can't.

I'm stuck in a grey area at the moment. I don't know what a definitive answer or conclusion is supposed to look like.

Guess we'll see.

Keeping my faith alive, regardless of how much it has been made to tremble.

Easier said than done, but I admit that I have been doing a decent job of it lately.

I can't fault myself for trying.

What an opportunity this is. To achieve what specifically, I don't know.

But it's still an incredible opportunity for personal transformation and a shot at love.

Exactly the two things I most want.

I'm on a see-saw. Going up and down.

And Fola is right across from me. Smiling that smile.

My friend and my enemy rolled into one.

The devil in disguise.

Or a blessing.

Either way, it's an opportunity.

And I am immensely grateful for having it.

Let's see what happens next.

The Cycle Keeps Cyclin'

Hoo, boy. My friends, gather around and hear the stories of my soul.

Uhm, yeah. I know this is a private blog, so that means you, blog, are my one and only friend to be listening to all this.

So.. Fola.. again! Shocking surprise, I must admit. Hmm. I skipped a day or two between posts, but things have happened. Big things.

Let's start with the #1. I quit my job. Hated that place. Working with foamglass and mastic and blueskin and tight-as-hell scaffolds that make difficult jobs even more difficult. And then the supervision! What a bunch of dicks in a box. On Monday we all came in and was told that every one of us was getting written up. What for? Well, apparently we aren't supposed to be brassing out early at the end of each shift. On the surface, that is fair enough, but when the busses drop us off at the brass alley, and it's 4:55am, and everyone else of every other trade has been going through without waiting; and the fact that I've been there since April; why now, do we get docked? 15 minutes of our pay, too.

That's just the way the shift started. Already in dour spirits. Then Troy announces that he was going to take me to this job I did yesterday, where he loudly proclaimed "looks like total dogfood" to everyone in the shop. Wonderful. Very tactful of him to say that to everyone, and not pull me aside out of respect. Like a normal human being/decent person would be doing.

So, yes. My job did look like dogfood. It was a pan-out that I had to rush last night because Troy told me everything has to be panned out. And get this, I have done only two pan-outs in my life with this one being the second. So, not only was I rushing and working under low-light conditions at night; but I had barely any idea of how to best do a pan-out when the insulation is already on the pipe, rather than cutting it properly before putting it on.

I told him this as Jon (the Freemason/cross-over guy) looked on. I explained that yes, I agree, it did look like shit. Jon was nice, though. He praised my past jobs that we've both been on, and was supportive and understanding. Not Troy, though. He gave me a choice.

Either I get another write up, or he's going to fire me for not using tool retention.

Tool retention is another reason why I dislike my job. You have to attach a cable to every single tool that you use, if you are working at heights. As insulators, we use multiple different tools on every job and its a complete pain having to detach and attach each one of them as we go about our work. It seems that I didn't have this one tool tied with a cable, and Troy thought it was grounds for being fired. As he presented these two choices to me, a thought came into my mind.

I could quit. The third option.

And as Troy nodded and said, "what do you want to do?" I was a bit.. frozen in place. Should I really quit? My heart wanted to. I knew it did, but my mind was like, "really, David? You're just going to give up and leave?"

So, I listened to my heart. That job sucked. It really did. For multiple assorted reasons of which I listed only a few above.

As I packed up my tools to leave, Jon was escorting me all the way and listened to my complaints. He agreed with every single one of them. Even went so far as to praise me saying that I had "balls" in which case I told him he had balls as well. We both had balls. We're men, for Christ sake.

So.. He was really nice about it all. He wants to quit too, but can't. Too much on the line for him, since he is the sole provider of his girlfriend and child. I understood and sympathized with him completely.

But.. man.. When he told me he gets screamed at on at least a twice-weekly basis; I had to ask him whether or not a job like this was worth staying for. He expressed a desire to quit to me a few weeks ago, and I had a similar discussion about how much of his pride and self-respect he was willing to throw away in exchange for having a crummy job, working for crummy supervision and not being able to want to come to work each day. Opting instead, to drink himself silly at the end of each night so as to forget about all the crap he had to deal with.

I hope I made an impact. I think I did, because Jon ended up calling me at midnight later, saying again that he was proud I quit and that he was "worried" about me. I told him not to be. I was glad I quit. I felt great.

Anyways.. Fola.. back to her again. Met her again this morning at Route 99, a diner near the river valley. We had breakfast together and then went for a walk.

It couldn't really have gone much better than it did. I was very restrained and polite and thoughtful and really tempered my emotions.

She still is completely vague about what she wants from me, and us, and basically said for me to do my own thing. To follow my life's purpose, while she follows her own. Take things slow, etc.

Yeah, on the surface, this all sounds well and good, but she was still evasive about a lot of my prior concerns. Wouldn't take responsibility for some of the thoughtless harm she's caused. Wouldn't give reassurances. Wouldn't express commitment even though she thought it was heavily implied.

I also think she basically lied or was mistaken about when I asked if she ever referred to me as her boyfriend, rather than the guy she's been "seeing" for so many months. Her apparent Twin Flame/Soulmate/whatever I am.

Meh. I don't get it. That passion and fire and love between us seemed so secondary while I was with her. I understand that there are other important things out there, but love? Shouldn't that be number one? I mean, I understand we can't completely consume ourselves in each other, but...

Man.. That emotional distance has always been there with her. Well, maybe not always-always, but her lack of details and completely vague way of expressing emotions/feelings and thinking that she was a "good" girlfriend to me was very lacking in self-awareness and sincerity.

Either that, or she honestly has no idea how to love another human being. I think that's more the truth than anything else.

Empath vs Narcissist. Round 3, I think. Or however many times it has been since I forgave her and waved the past behind. Or at least tried to.

I think I was successful for the most part. We held hands. Kissed.

Had chais together, and then she had to go to work.

Here's the thing though. When I asked when I could see her next, she said "maybe this weekend sometime?" Okay, cool. But then she offered to meet with me for food on her break later on and would keep me updated as to when that would be.

Well, guess what? No updates. The last message I got on my phone was her saying that she had fries, and yummy, followed by a "yawn" in her message. I choose not to bother responding to it.

It still is the tale of the Scorpion and the Frog. Just a little different, is all.

In this case, I am not feeling nearly as angry or as disappointed in her. Had she truly loved me, she would be excited about sharing her break with me. Or coming by to see me after work.

Neither of those things are going to happen, it seems.

Yeah. Thoughtless. Careless.

Selfish.

Clueless.

Meh. She is who she is. I think I am going to give up on trying to teach her how to do anything, as far as our relationship goes. It looks like she wants to call the shots, 100% of the time and recant anything she's ever promised/said to me.

When I brought up that email again that she wrote me, where she promised me more love, attention, etc. She responded with, "I've given you those things!" and .. man.. I had to shake my head, because she did not give me those things. I have no idea what she is talking about or referring to.

I know what love feels. I know there is happiness behind it. I know it is unmistakable when someone loves you because you can feel it. You don't have to hear it. You don't need gifts.

You just feel it. You know it. You know it by the way they look at you, the way they touch you, how often they desire to be in your presence.

In the beginning stages of our relationship, I had all those things from her. Bright, shining eyes, frequent touching, always wanting to see me and taking days off work to do so.

Not these days.

Hmm.

It still feels like a game of cat and mouse to me. She made me believe I was the cat at first, until she's reduced me to a mouse. Very clever ploy. Just gives me enough of what I need so as to feel empowered, when the reality is that she always had the upper hand. Or at least she thought she did.

Today was different. As I looked at her message about eating without inviting me; I just shrugged. Who cares? I'm a good man. I'm worth being with. I think so, and other people think so as well.

No, I'm not perfect, but I can try to be. I try to live in my Truth, as imperfectly as I have been. But I have been trying.

I can be comfortable with that.

I don't need to be made to beg, grovel and clamor for her attention. For her touch. For sex. For communication and companionship and commitment.

That's not my worth. She is not as high on the pedestal as she thinks herself to be. Even though I often remind her of how much I value and treasure her company.

And how much I want us both to live happily ever after.

Yeah. I'm still living my truth. I still want those things, but not at the expense of my dignity. Not this one-sided mess where she gets to do whatever the hell she wants regardless of the damage she causes. Not really building trust or respect, or reciprocation.

Just this thing where she gets everything and I get nothing. Or very little in return.

Yeah. I'm going to continue shrugging off moments like this, where she says one thing and does another. Or doesn't say anything at all to important questions.

She asked me if I was reactive, and when I asked her what that word means to her, she said, "tell me what you think it means" and I was like, "well, if you are asking me and you don't know what it means.." and explained to her what my definition of reactive was.

Reactive means to act impulsively without thinking an action through. That was my definition, and Fola jumped in saying, "that's my definition too!" which as we both know, my dear blog, is likely not true since she had no idea what to respond with when I asked.

So why did she ask me that question? I suppose she wants to further deflect responsibility for the troubles we've been having, onto me. Nothing has really ever been her fault. Even after all of her cruel behavior, its about how "reactive" I've been.

So, she's putting the onus on me.

Mm. I know she's the reactive one. Accepting an invite to a party without giving it due consideration and then changing our plans from "I'm coming over" to "I may possibly go to this party, but I am not sure yet" and leaving me blowing in the wind.

Yeah, I'm not going to play second fiddle. If she doesn't want to hang out, then we won't hang out. If she makes plans and breaks them, then I am not going to complain anymore.

She is who she is. I'll let her actions speak for themselves and determine the course and quality of our relationship.

She can steer the boat now. I'm done with trying to row us back to shore when she keeps filling the boat with water, with a gleeful smile on her face. Pretending like she doesn't know what she's doing.

Yup. I know my worth. I know my value. I still have my self-respect. Not as much as I did before I met her, but thanks to Andee and Michelle; it has been getting better. It's been healing.

And humility appears to be blossoming as a result. Forbearance, also. Tolerance.

Some respect, also. Which I don't think she has earned much of from me. But respect nonetheless.

I'll just give her enough to keep her...

Interested. I suppose. The same way she has been doing it to me.

Just enough to keep her interested.

Tables are turning.

We may be going to Buffalo Lake next week, but I won't be holding my breath. I want to rent a cabin for the night, which she was excited about last night; until today she said "no" and that she couldn't afford it. Even though I offered to pay for it, she still said "no" and only wanted to make a day trip out of it.

Also reminded me after we left, that she was "done" with having sex. It was sarcasm, but it was a subtle jab, since she knows how much I enjoyed having it with her.

Yeah. I see the game being played. But, a sneaky player is one who pretends to be strung into a trap, only to have kept a way out hidden from view of the hunter.

That's what I've been trying to do. Keeping that way out, for myself.

Not going to have my heart broken again. Not by this woman, not by any other.

I deserve better.

There was a Tarot reading Fola sent me last night. Another 3 of Swords by Gregory Scott. She thought it was "my" card and so she forwarded me the link.

Very nice of her. Since the card indicates heartbreak/betrayal and pain.

All of which she has caused me over the course of our relationship. In various forms and intensities.

All par for the course, also, being that we are in this game.

Hmm.

Ordered some books from the library. I have a strong feeling I know who we were in our past life. I don't like talking about this in detail. Not even privately. But I am quite certain of our relationship those many years ago.

The thing is about my past lives, is that I only really remember two of them. The two most important ones, with a bit of vague familarity regarding the third one. Which, don't laugh, might happen to be Johannes Vermeer. For reasons that I don't think I'm going to get into.

Again, that third one was just a hunch. My last life resonates most strongly with me, and that other life I remember with Fola.. well, that one has some strong bits and pieces floating into my noggin every now and then. All unconfirmed and without much evidence, but...

But it feels real enough to me. Down to the wind and sand spraying across my face. The heat of the desert. The physical and psychological pains I've endured.

Yeah. I am not going to discuss this with anyone. Ever. Not even Fola. Not even on this blog.

There is no point to sharing it.

It won't benefit anyone, except for me to know.

Mm. The cycle keeps on cycling. But when I think about it, I think Fola really did love me back in those times. I don't remember her at all in my last life, but I do think she fits a particular person in the other one that I recall.

And all the pieces make sense. It all fits together perfectly. And her character and personality and our attraction and all such things.

They make perfect sense. Which is why I ordered those books. To see what else I can uncover from them about her.

There's not much information on who and how she was back then, but maybe something will jog my memory.

And it will make even more sense, and things may become more clear.

Right now, it's tentative, although it makes sense. I am still a skeptic. I am not some naive fool with his brain half-hanging out of his head.

I accept the Truth of what I most truly feel, and those two lives are around.. 92% certainty with me.

Vermeer is at maybe.. 17%, just for comparison purposes. I don't know much about Vermeer. Just that there's a strong suspicion there. I kind of knew how those paintings were made. I had a friend that assisted and kept my secret. Forgot his name, but he and I were very close. Closer than I was to my own family, it seems.

That's really about all I "feel" from that particular life. If I actually lived that life.

I know. People all the time who recall past lives, often report themselves as being someone famous. I don't claim that each of my incarnations were well-known or famous; but I do know that two of them especially were. I was probably unremarkable in the rest of them. Just like everyone else.

We all get our 15 minutes of fame. Or two lives of fame, heh.

At least.

Reincarnation is real. I am very certain of it. No, I AM certain of it.

We will rise from the dirt again, and again, until we achieve a few things.

One, would be balance. Balancing our light and shadow selves. Because we cannot know evil if we do not understand good. We cannot know goodness, if we do not understand evil.

We must murder someone in a life, to understand a certain Truth. Just like we must martyr ourselves in another life, to learn another Truth.

It is all about experiences. Experiencing all the different varieties and types of them, so that once we accumulate enough of them and learn what we need; we become closer to the Creator. To God. To whatever is responsible for our being here.

To that Infinite Intelligence out there in the universe. Which is the universe. Which is inside of me.

And in you, my dear blog.

As I type these words, I am mindful that the God in me is writing to the God in you. The internet is an extension of intelligence. It, too, contains God. On a much more vast scale.

The spark is in each of us, and God exists in all forms. Human or rock. Water or air.

Internet, or books.

He's in everything.

Hmm.

Omniscient.

All-knowing.

All-pervasive.

And some day I will shake the hand of the being that most closely resembles God, in as far as an embodied form would be; and I will congratulate Him or It, for a job well done.

There is so much beauty in this world that it is no surprise we can only arrest it with a limited set of senses. Otherwise we would go nuts. As we evolve spiritually, more and more is revealed, and more and more of His beauty is given to us.

We can only stare at the sun for so long before we go blind.

Eventually, as we walk forward with Truth and Love in our hearts; we will get to see more.

We will perceive more.

From life to life, as we continue to be of service to others. For the greater good.

Is it no surprise that God is missing an o?

Light and darkness.

I am in the light.

And so is He.

Fola just sent me a text, and I am not interested in looking at it right now. I will look at it when I feel like it.

The urgency is gone.

The God in me is alive.

And the sun still shines.

And the chains are off.

Bring it buddy.

Show me how awesome you are.

I've been waiting for you all my life.

Now is the time.

The Illusion Has Shattered

I really need to make writing on this blog more of a priority. So much has happened these past few days that I am worried details are being lost.

Sunday night had me talking with Fola on the phone for two hours and twenty-two minutes. Both of us appreciated and laughed at the synchronicity there.

She was supposed to meet me that evening, but got sidetracked and then said she was tired so she would phone instead. I felt insulted when she said we should meet in public, and more insulted when she said "because I don't know what will happen" when I asked why.

She also said before that she was thinking about doing pot brownies that night, so I offered for her to come over. That's when she said the meeting in public thing. Then she invites me over for pizza with five other people, including Cody, and I turned it down. We weren't in sync with each other after an absence and besides, I ate earlier.

(sighs) where to start, where to start.. so many details.

After our long conversation, I felt really good. My head was shimmering. The effects of it lasted into the next day as well.

I miss those conversations. Where we can talk and talk and talk and both of us are on the same wavelength.

There was a moment when she argued with me that infinity exists, and I explained to her why I don't think that is and she wouldn't agree with my reasoning. Or respect it. I even offered to give her proof that mainstream mathematics is divided on the theory, but she ignored the links I provided.

This is important because it highlights how much of our arguments start. She gets all certain about whatever it is she is arguing, even when I personally know that she is wrong and have the proof to back it up with. I did say that infinity is theoretical, but mainstream science has not proven it. I also supplied a well-reasoned argument as to why I don't think it exists, but she wouldn't engage me in a rational debate. She just kept to her guns, and used some website as "proof" where it stated that a spectrum was infinite.

It's such a small thing, but it can snowball. And I did my best to resist it.

Except for yesterday, when last night she decided to blame me for her inability to be emotionally forthcoming with her thoughts and feelings. She claimed I didn't make her feel secure, and this was an issue that has nothing to do with me. The first breakup we've had, had her not being able to tell me why she was upset with me three times in one week, no matter how hard I was trying to figure it out for her, since she didn't know. All she said was, "I don't know" with a smile on her face as I kept trying to understand the reasons behind it. Eventually I had enough and I left for two weeks. Couldn't take it anymore. How can anything be fixed when you are unable or unwilling to examine the problem? How can progress be made? Growth? When you lack awareness and understanding of yourself enough to know what is upsetting you?

I don't know man. This relationship is the worst. I should have seen this coming early on, and I've seen this with the three of swords, in three different instances.

Very interesting. At first I persuaded myself that these cards do not set your fate in stone. The future can be changed. No fate, but what we make as Linda Hamilton once wrote in Terminator 2.

No fate but what we make, was the reason why I choose to disregard those signs even after I've initially accepted them.

Well. I'm through with having myself kept hostage by this woman. I have to make this stick. I have to accept that she is not going to change as she promised she would. She is not going to give me more attention, love or openness as she repeatedly stated she would.

All she wants to do is deflect responsibility and to enjoy watching me dance on her strings.

And she doesn't want to actually make this work, otherwise it would be working. I don't ask for much. Just reciprocation. Respect. Compassion. Sharing.

Maybe I've been doing this all wrong. All I know is that I deserve better than to be sucked into an abusive relationship despite my bringing the very best of what I have to offer to it. And boy, did I bring my best. Best sex ever. Best conversation. Best kisses and chemistry and all such things.

Tried my best to be romantic. Loving. Thoughtful. Supportive, and respectful.

But Fola kept compromising all that. Kept creating drama in the form of character attacks, and actions that reflected thoughtlessness on her part. Hypocrisy, also.

I really need to accept that she is not my true Twin Flame, despite her telling me that she thought she was. She's the false one, and if it was easy to tell the difference between the two; then it would have been an easy challenge to overcome.

But it's not. It's very difficult to tell. Deception works by baiting you into believing one thing, while it does another. Actions always speak louder than words, and Fola has been mostly about words rather than living up to any of the promises she's made.

No more. I've had enough. I can't guarantee what will happen next time I see her, if I see her since she owes me money -- but, I will do my best to keep in mind that this woman can't change. This woman is easily offended and evasive and quick to deflect blame.

That's not love or trust. That's not a willingness to make things work.

I wish I had saved our conversation last night on the phone, but my call recorder app wasn't enabled. (sighs) It was incredible. I loved feeling the way we did when we first started chatting, early in our relationship. It had a beautiful flow and rhythm and respect to it all. I really missed that.

Life is such a tricky thing. Full of obstacles and challenges to overcome. I know what my goal in life is. To love and be loved. Asking Fola this question results in a hemming and hawing of what she truly is after. Love, is not it. Material possessions, free time, and doing whatever she wants to do; seems to be the priority for her.

Not love. Not marriage. Not kids. Not moving in with me.

None of these things.

I have to accept this fully within my heart that a leopard cannot change its spots.

She is not going to change unless she wants to.

And as for myself, I learned that I must always keep faith alive in my heart. To stay true. To not let this experience sour me, because it hasn't. Well. It sort of has, but it is not nearly as bad as it was with Lauren when she kissed that guy and he then wanted to have sex with her. While we were together. After repeatedly telling me that she loved me.

I can't be suckered like this anymore. The only person in the world that matters is me. My life. I can't give it up for a woman, and I keep telling myself this and I keep forgetting this.

But I love losing myself into someone that seems like a part of my soul. I can't help it. Touching her felt so good. Kissing her is even better. Having sex with her is the best.

Talking. Being with one another.

Amazing things.

But. I have my needs too. I need to know that I can trust my partner. When I met Fola, she was sleeping with multiple people and kept reminding me that she wasn't interested in monogamy.

And her opinions and views change so frequently, that I cannot possibly see anything from her point of view. Because the woman she is today, is likely not going to be the woman I will be seeing tomorrow.

And her values? They don't match mine. I want to start a family. I believe in being grateful and appreciative. Especially when we've hit all these milestones while together. Our connection was and is extremely special. I'm pretty sure we've known each other in a past life.

And I'm pretty sure she has betrayed me in that past life as well. It was as difficult then, as it is now. Little has changed.

So, she still owes me. Not just the money for the trip, but owes me for the pain she's caused.

I don't need to grovel or apologize for anything I've done or said to her. Those were exactly the things I had to do and say. Tough love requires a willingness to be honest and upfront about the things that bother me. And I feel that I have been very reasonable about my concerns. Explaining them in an excessive amount of detail.

There is no ambiguity or hidden agendas on my part. There is no confusion about what I want for us.

And there is with her.

So. I don't know what is going to happen now. I have been telling God that I am ready for the next step, whatever that is. I will continue to keep myself ready. I will watch myself carefully as I go throughout my day.

I know that I am a good human being and that I deserve someone who at least shares the same values as I do.

To love and be loved.

I don't think anything else in life matters more than that.

If only Fola could see what I see.

(sighs)

This all came about for a reason. To teach each other lessons. The situation is so similar to what I went through with Lauren. Right down to the two-year old daughter and an inability to commit.

I don't know if I have passed this test. I think I did. I don't think I could have done much differently with her. I'm not completely sure what it was that I was supposed to have learned, other than to stand up for myself and to leave when I am absolutely certain that she isn't the right person for me.

Maybe I've failed on that part, because I keep taking her back. Again, and again. Doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result.

That's the definition of insanity right there.

I've given her my very best and it wasn't good enough. I have to accept that and move on.

I am moving closer each day to the one that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with.

The last of my chains are coming off.

And I am more ready now than ever before to welcome the one that sincerely loves and wants to be with me.

She is here.

And she is coming towards me.

Faster than I could ever hope for.

I will be patient.

I will be strong.

I will be loved.

Just got to hold on a little longer.

I love you God.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity.

You know me better than I know myself.

So, I trust that you know what you are doing.

One day we will sit around with a couple of beers and laugh about all this.

I just know it :)

Thank you for having three little girls smile at me in the course of one week. The one on the steps who waved back when I waved at her. The ones at the gas station who smiled and waved at me, and the one who crossed the crosswalk while smiling directly at me.

Thank you for the signs.

I will continue to try and honor you, and all that you stand for.

I will be keeping my faith in you alive.

No matter what may happen.

I will try.

The Luck of the Draw

Synchronicity today again. Two weeks ago as I was in the river valley, I came across a set of keys marked, "Park set #23" which was for all the locked facilities and barricades in the Fort Sask park area. I saw who it was that might have dropped it, but they left before I could return it to them.

So, I held onto this for two weeks. Not really sure where to return them. Kept the keys in my car, regardless.

Went down to the river valley today, saw a chick on drugs walking around counting her steps and listening to music that wasn't being played. She asked me if I had a smoke, and I told her I didn't, since I was vaping.

Spent a few minutes there, decided to head back home and had the urge to pull over next to this other park a little ways away. Once I got out, I noticed a Fort Sask Parks/Recreation vehicle nearby and decided I would return the keys.

I made my way to the fellow inside the truck who was tapping away on his phone, and he cheerfully greeted me, which was strange, since I basically snuck up on him. I held the keys up and we had a conversation.

It was about his job. My job. Life. Family. Relationships. Money. Happiness. Soulmates. I stood there, leaning next to his truck for a little over a half hour discussing all these things. He told me about some of the synchronicites he's experienced, and how he too used to be in the trades but hated his job. He made it five years, and was surprised that I made it to nearly 20.

It was... special. It felt very.. meant to be, if I can describe it like that. He even commented on how it felt like we were meant to meet and that we had this instant familarity between us. We both loved reading, and when I jokingly asked if there was a 500$ reward for returning the keys; he took down my number and said, "I'll see what I can do". Offered for us to have coffee sometime, and then left.

I looked up at the sun after this and smiled. It felt like.. I'm on my way. To where, I don't know exactly, but I do know it will be exactly where I need and want to be.

In love and loved. By someone who appreciates me. Someone that I will have no doubt about their feelings towards me. And also, to a job and a home that is most suited to me. Towards a family, a dog, wealth and prosperity.

But, love mostly. I'm being moved towards love and after this conversation, money, it seems.

As Tyler told me about this phase in his life where he went from being a tradesman to working for the city; he recommended me a couple of books. Rich Dad, Poor Dad, being the #1 recommendation of his. So I ordered two of Robert Kioysaki's books on Amazon shortly after our conversation. I'm a believer, now. I believe we were meant to meet. I believe I am being guided.

Tyler and I were on the same wavelength on every topic we discussed. Nobody wants to spend fifty years of their life working at a job that pays well, but destroys the soul. Nobody wants to become a wage slave. Nobody wants to be cattle funneled along by society so that a college education, marriage, a home, a car and all such things are the natural trajectory by which we all follow.

Yes, I do want education, but on my own terms and only on the subjects I enjoy. Yes, I do want marriage, but not for the status it provides; I want to marry the woman I love. Yes, I do want a home, but not the debt that comes with it. Trapping me into having to make payments and forcing me to work harder and longer hours just to be able to afford one. Yes, I do want a car, and I have only been buying used ones. I don't need anything brand new and expensive.

Thought about Fola quite a bit this afternoon too. I still don't know where I stand with her. True Twin Flame or False? Am I the runner? Am I unfit to be with her at this moment? A part of me is saying that yes, I am unfit to be with her but another part is crying out that I am ready.

So which is it? If I am to be happy with Fola, there is a particular way I have to be before I can make peace with her. To have and build a happy life together. I thought about how she hangs out often with guys, and I've been asking myself why do I feel so threatened? It's... partly to do with how Lauren ended up kissing her guy "friend" all those years ago, and I don't want to re-experience that heartbreak again. I don't want a girlfriend who hangs out with guys all the time when she doesn't have to. When she has me.

On the other hand, I think of my new relationships with Michelle and Andee, and I realize that I can comfortably keep an opposite sex friendship going. I can keep it platonic, even though I know that both of these girls would gladly jump into bed with me if I steered it in that direction. Except I don't want to. I don't feel.. as connected with them as I do with Fola. I can't stare into their eyes for longer than a minute or so before needing to turn away. I don't have that familarity that I do with my false/true Twin Flame.

I'm still thinking about all this. Maybe she's my real Twin Flame and neither of us are ready to be together just yet. Again, though, I don't see her changing overnight. And I am still mindful of the Three of Swords. Apparently something amazing is supposed to happen soon. But what? Who? When? How?

Nobody knows but the cat down the road.

Yeah, I'll just have to ride this one out.

Last night I prayed to be lead towards the people and places that I needed to meet and be at. Today seemed like the answer to that prayer. Meeting Tyler and having the conversation we did; seems to suggest that I need to look into being more of an entrepreneur, and to work on untangling the financial situation I am in. He told me a story about a couple who was 700k in debt, and somehow they managed to eradicate all that in a few short years. It didn't make any sense, but somehow they did it. I think maybe a bankruptcy was involved at some point. It had to have been.

He told me about how he met this guy at a Tim Hortons, and they ended up having coffee and a conversation together. He told me about how Robin (the other guy) opened up a door for him, the same as he was doing for me.

The same as I was doing for him. Maybe. I think.

I guess we both opened up our doors to each other. We both spoke freely and from the heart. We both ...

We're both the same being.

He's 25. Good looking with a wife and child. Working a lower paying job instead of a higher paying one.

It felt like I was looking into the younger, idealistic version of myself. Well, more idealistic/practical.. I suppose. He at least pulled the trigger and made those changes. I have yet to do so.

I'm looking at the clock right now. Work.. I have to leave soon for work. A half hour left and I don't want to go. I just want to keep writing. I don't want to do anything but to live life and not have to listen to the banging and hammering and construction noises at my job. And feeling like a round peg trying to fit inside of a square hole.

I'm through with that. But for now, I have to hold on until the next step reveals itself.

If Fola has taught me anything of value, one of the things is to learn how to trust the universe. I see it now more clearly than ever than before I met her. It's a topic of obsession with her, and it rubbed off and now I am seeing results.

Every day continues to be a challenge. An adventure. A path that I am walking on with sights that pass by. Leading me towards somewhere special.

I feel so blessed right now for finally having my prayers answered. I can sense there is a process to all of this. There is progression. There is movement.

As much as I want to love and be loved, I still don't know who it will that I will end up with.

Yesterday, I watched this video on YouTube about distinguishing between a true Twin Flame and a false one. In the video, the lady made mention about how the heart chakra opens up whenever you are around or about to meet your Twin Flame. Or whenever you are apart. Apparently, this is a reliable way of telling if they are false or true.

Prior to meeting Fola, I had felt this intense warmth coming out of my chest. While with her, I still had periods of this now and then. And today, today I feel it again. Its a gentle radiance. Not nearly as profound as it was before Fola, but still noticeable and possibly growing stronger.

If this indicates that Fola is my true Twin Flame, then I have to be patient and work on myself. So does she. If this indicates that my true Twin Flame is around the corner, then I have to be patient and work on myself. Heh. There's not much else I can do for now.

I did something different today regarding the Tarot cards. I stacked them into three piles. One for the past, one for the present and one for the future.

Past card was Judgement. Present card was the Tower. And the future card was the Fool.

My initial impression was that of disappointment, until I looked up the interpretations.

Judgement indicated that I was living in Truth and searching for answers. That's the past, and still is the present.

The Tower indicates a period of great change about to occur.

The Fool represents innocence, spontaneity and optimism. That is the future.

Seems about right to me.

Lately I have been speaking inwardly with myself. My higher self. God. Whatever it is that is listening, and have been telling it that I am now ready for the next step.

Whatever that next step is.

I am ready.

(braces self)

The Lull

Not the greatest of days I've had today.

I realized at work, that I am a round peg trying to fit inside of a square hole. And I've been doing my trade for twenty years now almost.

It came when I was tasked with metalling out a straight line, and though I got the band spacing right (9 inches), they weren't visually appealing. So much so, that my stepdad remarked "that looks like shit!"

Technically, this would have passed QC, but visually.. I agreed with my stepdad. It did look like shit, and when he said that, I began to..

Well.. Not exactly feel like shit, but something stirred. It was like.. I felt.. kind of like, "I told you so" to whatever it was that was inside of me. Or looking through me. If that makes any sense.

I am.. wasting my potential doing this kind of work for a living. If there is a force of intelligence out there that is compassionate and aware; it would know that this type of job is not suited to the attributes I most like within myself and I.. can't..

Yeah.. I can't do this anymore.

I read during my coffee breaks. I think about intellectual stuff. Philosophical stuff. Religious and spiritual stuff.

I.. talk to my co-workers in a way that no one else at work does. I ask them how they are feeling. If they are tired, if they have a sore back. Did they get enough sleep? How are they holding up?

...

Man.. I am not cut out to be an insulator. I can only pretend for so long. Twenty years, apparently.

There's something that.. prevents me from doing a good job. There are sometimes variables that I unintentionally overlook, like today with the band spacing, and.. it's not that I don't care about the quality of my work; its that I care more about other things, that these other things eclipse the job I am expected to perform to the fullest of my abilities.

Auto-pilot.. That's pretty much.. well..

(sighs)

At around 6:30pm or so, I had this strange urge come over me. I grabbed my phone and started taking selfies. I had this urge to email Fola a picture and tell her I love her. But after taking a couple of photos, I realized how stupid I am. How.. naive.. hopeful..

Whatever I am.

So, I didn't send her that. But for whatever reason, I wrote her a simple one line email that said, "Keep your head up Fola. You're doing awesome."

And there was a smiley face in the subject line.

She later replied with a "huh..." and that was it.

I don't understand why I did that, but I felt strongly that I had to.

Part of what I have been doing lately, is surrendering myself to my fate. I understand now that I am a piece of a puzzle. A pawn or a bishop or whatever it is I actually am, that is being moved to the right location at the right time to perform the right function, no matter how strange or baffling it may be.

Like a pebble being tossed in a pond, the ripples spread out. My decision to impulsively email Fola, is exactly the right thing I needed to do at that time. And I said the right thing also.

I'm a believer now. Today, I pulled out the Tarot deck thinking that I was going to get another 3 of swords on my first pull, but instead, the ten of Pentacles showed up.

Apparently it's a really really good card, and signifies the end of a long journey that has been "well worth enduring" according to this one interpretation I read online.

Around a half hour later, I had the urge to pick up the cards again and pull one more. I made sure to ask for something clear and unambigious.

Well... The Lovers card came up, and one of the interpretations of that one claims that a new "love" is going to appear soon.

So I wrote it down on my chalkboard.

And.. that's that. Now I must wait.

I won't know when or how, but I will know it when it happens.

It'll make sense then.

I suppose I should admit that I am putting a lot of stock into the Tarot and the "signs" I've gotten lately. I don't write down all the synchronicies I've come across, but one that has been significant, was seeing a Range Rover with a bumper sticker on the back that says "strong" as I followed it on my way to work. Fola really wants a Rover, and I am apparently not to be in a relationship with her.

Why? Because the Three of Swords came up three times already, that's why.

Pain. Heartbreak. Betrayal.

And also, there is a new relationship on the horizon.

So yeah.. I'm looking for guidance in the form of the Tarot, now. I believe there is some guiding force behind my actions and my life as of late.

My many years of praying for help, is finally being acknowledged.

Each and every day I try to live with love in my heart. With gratitude. Even a day like today, I am grateful for having. I am learning something new about myself, or about others.

Or life in general.

And.. it really seems like I am being moved along somewhere. And.. that something truly is watching over me.

I am thankful for whatever it is. Perhaps it is my higher self asserting itself. I don't know. But if we are intended to be representations of the image of "God" then it stands to reason that I too, have powers that can be called upon when needed. Maybe not ultimate power, but power nonetheless.

"As above, so below" they say.

God created man in his own image.

And again I must wonder... Is such a thing outside of myself, or within me?

Or both?

Because I do not want to appeal to the wrong thing. I want to ensure I am acknowledging exactly who or what is reponsible for all I have experienced these past six months.

And Fola.. (sighs) Fola really proved to me that there is a spiritual realm, and souls, and reincarnation. And because those things have been proven to me, God obviously should exist as well. Or some form of guiding intelligence that has created order from chaos.

Something that wants to make me happy. Something that desires to serve me.

As I wish to serve it.

When thinking about two of my past lives, I can't help but notice the patterns throughout them and how I have been taking steps to break them. To do things differently this time around.

To listen more. To love more. To be more present and assertive and to know the value of my self-worth and to appreciate hard work, and the people that perform this work. Day in and day out. Rain or shine.

I am right there in the trenches along with my fellow man. I am not royalty this time around. I am a man like anyone else. An unusual one, but a man nonetheless.

And my co-workers appreciate me. Everyone smiles a genuine smile when I engage with them. When I ask Ryan about his kid's 1st birthday and what he ended up doing; he then tells me about hand puppets his kid adores and yada yada.. I know by this point that I really am truly a round peg trying to fit in a square hole.

I am meant for much better things than this. I have learned my lessons. I respect the hierarchy and hard work and the people that struggle to make ends meet.

I've been there. I'm still there.

But no longer.

Because I foresee good things to come. More adventures to be had.

My girl is on her way. In fact, she is already here.

She is already here.

My dog, my wife, my family, my acreage.

They are all here as well.

I just need to make myself worthy of these things. By faith, or by work. Possibly both.

Something up there loves me and wants me to enjoy my time here. It wants to give me what I need and desire. It wants to help me evolve and bring myself closer to whatever it is.

Even if I can't understand the ways it has been operating and influencing my daily life.

All I know is that when I look up at the sun each day, I feel God smiling upon me.

Just as I did those many years ago when I crashed my car into the ditch. The first thing I saw was the sun, and a big smile came over my face because I knew what it really was.

It was life. The creator. The giver of life.

So.. I.. believe. Yes. I believe there is a God and it is just, and merciful and compassionate and loving.

Just like how I try to be.

I was reading about Reiki earlier today and found it interesting that the Reiki principles of not worrying, getting angry and such things; all seem to already be a part of my mental fabric. I have been doing my best to live up to words I have not yet read. To principles that I've honored long before it was put to paper.

So I'm doing everything the right way. At the right times.

No matter how rough things get, I need only remind myself that there is a God and that I have been living a righteous life no matter what gets thrown at me.

It's hard sometimes, like today, but I will be going to bed soon here, and will be thankful in my prayers for the opportunity to learn something new about myself and the world around me.

Today I learned that a professional considers every detail, no matter how insignificant, and that work is part of the hierarchy we must all be a part of. No matter how crappy the job is, it is important for it to be done. Otherwise there would be no reason for such a position to exist.

There would be no reason for earth to exist, had we not established a hierarchical form of being.

In some ways, Fola is a lot more wiser than I am. She seems to put a lot of faith into trusting the universe and letting herself go. So much so, that she is oblivious almost. That's dedication. That's faith.

Unfortunately, it is faith at the expense of what I think truly matters most.

Love. Love enough to want to be of service to others, once you truly love yourself.

From there on, you are doing the Lord's work. To borrow from a pastoral cliche.

Being a good man or woman involves a bit of a struggle each and every day.

That's to be expected, because being "good" is not nearly as easy to achieve as being "bad" would be, and to succumb to the whims of the ego.

It is all about transcendence for me. Evolution. Movement.

No matter if it looks like I'm standing still or not.

I am always moving. Closer and closer to each goal with each rising of the morning sun.

Every day is both a miracle and an opportunity.

Today is no different.

Time to go upstairs and shower.

And to express my thanks to that which has given me life.

No matter how many hardships I endure.

Someone or something IS up there.

And I will do my best to honor whatever this force is, because from what I can tell, it is a benevolent one worthy of being trusted.

Trusted because I know it loves me enough to be sending all those synchronicities my way.

Yeah, God works in mysterious ways alright. The bigger picture always eludes the limits of the imagination.

Just accept that you don't know who you are, where you are going or what you are going to end up being.

And everything will fall into place soon after that.

My girl is here.

The love of my life is soon to meet me.

However way she decides to do it.

Well blog...

Thanks for listening to me and being a candle in a dark room.

I'm grateful you are here.

A Blur

Lots has happened in the past two days.

Can't figure out where to start since I haven't been home for most of it either.

I had two days off from work, first day, I went out on a date with Andee to my first ever burlesque show at the Fringe. It was so much fun. I loved it. It wasn't as sensual as I expected it to be, but more cheesy and clunky in a charming kind of way. The theme of the show was famous Canadian women, and when the host would read off an example of a famous lady, a woman or a group of women would come onto the stage and act out their tribute in burlesque form. For instance, first female astronaut = an astronaut dancer. Female mounties = mounties. Sailors, sailors. The sailors one was my personal favorite since it was done with such cheese and such... playfulness and joy that I couldn't help but laugh instead of cat calling like most people were doing. The music and the moves were perfectly in sync, and because it was all live and somewhat amateur; it made the whole spectacle this delicious kind of charming dessert for my eyes and soul.

After the show ended, we walked for a bit and went to Dadee-o's for a bite. Never been there before, and the food was all spicy as hell. We stayed past closing time and were the last ones there, and then went to another place I haven't been, called a "Beercade" where it was this pub with a bunch of craft beers and arcade games. We spent a half hour playing House of the Dead.

After that, I walked her to her car and she gave me a ride back to my own. Andee was nice. Laughed at all my jokes, but I didn't feel much for her. She gave me a double hug as we parted, and I knew she was interested in seeing me again, which gave me an appreciated lift after all I've been through with Fola lately.

Speaking of which, prior to going to meet Andee; I was in my driveway texting her that I was about to leave, when suddenly I saw a person walk past up my front steps. It was her. Fola, and she came by to return my coffee cup, which contained a letter, some money she owed me; and she asked for her chakra stones back.

We talked outside for a bit, and... (sighs) the pull was strong. I wanted to meld with her. Smother her with kisses, hug and touch and smile and put my penis inside of her. Repeatedly.

But, she was sick with a cold and wasn't in the mood for much of all that.

After our talk, she suggested we sit on my couch and listened to a Portishead record. It was good. So good. I really missed having her next to me and feeling this sense of complete comfort and... familarity.. and she even touched me a few times without my having to do so. At one point she looked at me and said, "I am so much in love with you right now."

I told her that I loved her too.

(sighs)

Had to cut that off early because I needed to leave for my date; and she gave me this awkward farewell and left. I didn't open my coffee cup to see what she wrote me in her letter, and off I went.

So, after with Anddee (still not sure if I'm spelling it correctly. Her actual name is Andrea) I went to Jan's 2-acre lot and sat around to look at the stars. Pretty sure I saw the ISS go by, and there were two other odd moving objects high up in the sky that I couldn't identify. Weren't planes, so.. I hesitate to call them aliens, but they were probably aliens.

Went to bed at around 2am in this dilapidated van here, and it was cold. Didn't bring enough blankets, but I managed to sleep regardless.

Woke up at 7am, and began driving the 45 minutes back to the city. Stopped for a coffee near Fola's old house, and contemplated my next move.

It was solar eclipse day, so I kept a watch on the sun but didn't manage to see anything.

Decided I would go to Goodwill, and found myself a sweet pair of brown leather shoes for 20 bucks. Definitely a nice find.

After Goodwill, I again contemplated my next move and texted Michelle asking if she wanted to go for lunch today. She did. So I went over to take her to the Sicilian Pasta Kitchen near her house and had some delicious foods there.

We talked about Fola again, and how clever she was for only bringing me 50$ out of the 500$ or so that she owes me, because now this means she gets to have a reason to visit and see me. Interesting how she didn't do an email money transfer like she once did before, so obviously paying in cash was a deliberate move on her part.

She also messaged me earlier in the day asking me if I wanted to go for a walk. (sighs) I really thought we were *over* over by this point, but I couldn't resist her invite. Not like I was doing anything else after lunch anyways.

So, after playing with Michelle's dog for a bit, I went to Forest Heights to meet Fola. She showed up, no hug, no kiss, no touching even during the entire time we were together; and when we sat on a bench to talk about stuff, I could see why I was getting so frustrated with her.

She had to Google "love" to tell me what it "means" and where I would once get this knee-jerk reaction to be offended by the gesture; I took it with more patience and understanding than I was normally capable of giving in this situation. I tried to explain to her what I thought love was, and what it involves and made the comparison of her being in grade "five" while people like Michelle and I are in grade "twelve" and that Fola would eventually come around to understanding what love really is as long as she continues to work towards it. Didn't have an effect on her. Didn't change her opinion. She stubbornly refused to admit that I could be right and that she was wrong. Even when I brought up the point that a dog doesn't fit the Google searched definition of what "love" is intended to be.

There's something wrong when someone has to Google words like "love" and "empathy" whenever they are asked what these emotions mean to them. Fola couldn't explain either, but was quick to say that she is capable of love and considers herself to have empathy.

I really disagreed with her on that, but I let it pass. Wasn't going to be banging my head against the wall trying to knock some sense into her. I've already decided that she would have to learn such things for herself, and that my words are only going to sink into her subconscious for now, until a time later when she begins to agree with them and acts them out. I know this will happen because I've seen it before. We'll have a big argument about something, and eventually her false opinion or whatever she was using as a weapon in our argument, is going to be discarded away for something else. She's learning. Slowly, but surely, I suppose.

We went to Remedy after our walk, where she smiled and reminded me that this is where we first met. I joked with her saying that if I were to propose to her, it will be in here. "IF" I decide to propose; I empathisized, since I still don't think she is the kind of woman I would want for a wife. At least not in the shape she is in at the moment. Still lots of growing needed, there.

As we sat outside eating and enjoying chai teas; I began to notice how uplifted Fola was. Her eyes were bright and shining, and I made the connection that I really was a kind of energy reseviour for her. She was a type of energy vampire. Except, I didn't feel drained. I felt more used than anything.

When I thought about how after our meeting she was going to go to this Shaman open-house that I expressed interest in last week; I realized that she did not think to invite me along. I also realized at this same moment, that I wasn't being touched by her. Or appreciated, seemingly. There was no.. none of the affection that I needed from someone who claims to love me.

So, I felt used, and my eyes.. which were bright and open and feeding her; just kind of.. darkened, somewhat. It was noticeable, so much so that she looked at me differently and asked what was wrong.

I had to tell her it was nothing. Because I knew better than to start another argument about how thoughtless, inconsiderate and unaffectionate she was.

I already know that she is not going to change overnight. Or to seriously consider my words without becoming defensive and making excuses.

She asked what I was doing later that evening, and I said I was probably going to go home. But, as I sat in my car near Remedy, I answered a text from Andee, and told her I was bored and she jokingly suggested I get her a chai tea.

So, I did. I went to her place, we went for a walk by the river valley, and I told her about my ex and she told me about other things, while being constantly attacked by mosquitos; who for some reason, didn't seem all that interested in snacking on me. Funny how that works. My stepdad gets attacked as well at work, but I don't. Very strange.

Andee then suggested we hang out on her deck for a bit, and I vaped and smoked and talked. I still didn't feel much of a connection with this girl. She was a strong, independent spirit; and, I don't know.. I didn't put any moves on her.

After our conversation, and when I expected to leave for home at around 11pm; I was surprised when she asked if I wanted to stay in and watch a movie with her. This was odd, because she was telling me earlier how she can't stay up past midnight and that she was an early bird, etc. Apparently she can count on the fingers of one hand how many times she stayed up late.

So, this night was going to be a rare exception of her staying up late.

We watched The Pyramid, which was really lame, because we both were able to predict all the events in the movie before they happened. Most of them, anyways, with an 80% success rate. This was amusing to both of us, as the main monster was revealed to be Anubis just as I predicted near the beginning of the film. She was able to predict certain other things as well.

I started falling asleep, and she cuddled next to me on the couch. She put another movie on and again, I struggled with keeping my eyes open. Strange, since I work night shift and was planning on staying up late anyways.

She was wide awake the whole time. Even at 2am as I laid in bed with her, she was constantly waking up.

I've got some crazy ass energy within myself I guess. It's contagious. Even when I'm tired, people seem to pick up on it.

And.. well.. this post is long enough, so I'll just...end it by saying she ... and I had sex in the morning.

She intitated it, I think.

I di.. I didn't enjoy it much. Honestly. I miss.. my soulmate or whatever she is.

My dark twin flame. My false twin.

The connection .. the sex just wasn't the same. Andee.. I didn't enjoy kissing her. Her lips felt weird to me.

But she did have warmth about her. She was... vibrant and alive.

(sighs)

We struggled with finding a condom, because I wasn't expecting to have sex, I didn't bring any, and she said she was sure that she had a condom around somewhere.

Eventually she found it and we did it.

(sighs, again)

Yeah.. I've learned a lesson here. Don't sleep with people you don't have good physical or intellectual or emotional chemistry with. I mean, Andee was.. easy to get along with, but.. it wasn't exceptional. Our connection wasn't good enough for me to be excited about sex. I just did it because she wanted me to.

And boy, did she want me to. I couldn't believe how.. uhm.. yeah, I'll stop now. I need to get ready for work. Clean out my car. Make lunch. Take a shower.

Get back to life.

Ralph Smart posted a prescient video today entitled, "How to get over someone you truly love (but aren't meant to be with)" ... Fola "liked" it, just as I expected her to when I checked her YouTube profile. Watching the video, I knew it was meant more for me than it was for her. Although there was a part in the video about asking yourself if you did enough to salvage/maintain a relationship, and I knew Fola would be asking herself that question. Or at least I hope she will asked herself that question, because she certainly did not do enough to keep me happy. Just the barest mininum. If even that.

I hope she will learn.

Managed to read the letter she gave me, and .. well.. I'm going to just post a picture of the back of it. You'll like what it says.

Three of Swords.

She drew the Three of Swords for me.

That about sums it up. I thought I should send her my blog post referencing the Three of Swords, but thought against it.

This is my journey, not hers.

She can figure herself out on her own.

I am going to continue moving forward.

On the path that God has placed me upon.

And I will do my best not to stray.

Because now I know the truth of things. To live in truth is the highest honor one can give to anyone. To yourself, to strangers, to family, friends...

To God.

Living an honest life, and being honest to others in a gentle, respectful way; is living in Truth.

I am the way.

I am the Truth.

And I will do my best to cherish this gift. Even if I am lonely, and in a job that I do not like and unsure of my purpose and where I am going.

The Truth is all that matters.

The light inside of me shall continue to shine.

And the right people will be drawn to it.

And good things will come.

I hope.

... I know. 

The Darkened Light

Okay blog, time to get (more) serious than usual.

Spent all of my shift today thinking about her. And when I went on coffee break, I kept looking on my phone for articles regarding false twin flames and real twin flames, trying to see if I made a mistake or if I acted correctly.

It took me until now, after thinking about her all of my shift, to know that she was not a good person for me. She could have been, but wasn't.

I kept thinking of examples.

When I once told her I had a fever, she came by to my house without any sympathy whatsoever. In fact, she kept saying "I shouldn't have come here" about three times during her visit. No chicken soup. No "how are you?" no cuddling, nothing to uplift my spirits at a time when I needed it. Just a laugh followed by, "I shouldn't have come here". I remember being quite upset about this that I think I kicked her out. She later excused it by saying she laughs when she's "nervous", whatever the hell that means.

Another time she asked if she could spend the night over at my place. Texted me with a please and a sad emoticon. It sounded serious to me, so I said absolutely, yes! COME STAY OVER! I was excited to see her when I got home from work, laying in my bed. Did that happen? No. She ended up staying at someone else's place, and didn't bother to text me that she changed her mind. I remembered calling her at my first coffee break, and she was in the middle of some group Kabbalah thing where she hurriedly hung up the phone, promising to call me back. She never did. I remembered being worried that something had happened for her to ask to stay over, and I spent three hours of my shift waiting until coffee to find out what it was. She didn't even mention going to this Kabbalah thing, nor did she explain that she wasn't going to stay overnight.

Heh. Those two examples should be enough, but there's more. Lots more.

The false promises of "I intend to give you more love, more attention" as written in her emails and in person. Did she follow up on that? No. Even after our breakups, she would be a bit different with me for a while, and then revert back to her old patterns of not being affectionate or thoughtful or caring or loving. Happened many times, and she was definitely affectionate when we first met, but that's obviously how they hook you in.

The one time she was over and sitting on the couch, and I was stroking her leg. "Am I touching you too much" I asked, unsure if I was being overly affectionate and touchy-feely. "No," she replied, "touch me all you want!" and it was maybe days later, where I start touching her in public and she complained about how she doesn't like PDA and that I was "groping" her.

That email she sent me, "David, I am 99% sure I am monogamous" but the next week in person she recants, and its like that email never happened. The same one with the promises of more love and affection and attention, etc. The next week was, "I hate putting labels on myself" and me having a conversation explaining that monogamous is not a bad label to be wearing. How dumb can she be that I have to explain something like this to her?

Her saying she was an introvert, but constantly goes out meeting people. Introverts need alone time, they are not always socializing. Introverts generate energy from within, they don't take it from others like she has repeatedly demonstrated herself to be doing.

That time she came over at 130am to fuck me after being at Cody's place for three hours, yeah. That smile though. That smile she gave me as I cried, and she pretended like nothing was wrong.

Such a horrific relationship. I can still think of more examples.

The one time we were in bed together and I was dozing off. Under the influence of weed. And Fola was holding her hand over my chest. It was hovering off of it, and I remembered thinking about how uncomfortable and weird it felt. Almost like I could feel something being "pulled" out, as if it was my soul or my essence being removed by her. It creeped me the fuck out that I had to slyly shift positions so she would stop doing that.

You can see by now that this chick is evil. Has to be. But the big question is, why did I love her so much? Was it because I wanted to? Because I felt like I had to? Didn't I really love her? I did, so why.. why so much from me? She did not do anything to earn it. But we do have a strong soul connection, so... I don't know. Past life? Did I wrong her before and... or.. was it something else? I wish I knew the answer to this one. I really loved her like no one else before in my life. She 100% knew that I did, and I think the security and safety that my feelings were giving her, caused her to get overly confident and even more emotionally withdrawn and less affectionate and more reckless with her behavior seeking out men to exchange numbers with and hang out at their homes.

Boils my blood, but I'm noticing that I am handling this quite well, actually. Unlike Gina or Lauren, I am not falling to pieces over losing her. I am presently obsessing over her but that will soon pass. I had to read my last blog post to remind me that my true Twin Flame is out there waiting for me. Either in this life or the next, but I'm pretty sure I will be seeing her in this one.

I will be seeing you soon, my true love. My beloved. My queen. My Isis.

Not this cheap imposter.

This heartless monster that somehow attached itself to me.

This sorry excuse for a human being, who is okay with seeing her infant daughter one weekend every two weeks.

This person who fucks me with a smile on her face as I lay in pain.

This woman who claims she has empathy,and wants to help people and calls herself a "lightworker" on her soon-to-be-released website. The biggest hypocrite there is.

She has no opinions of her own. None. It is like getting blood from a stone when I want to know more about her deeper self. Twin Flames shouldn't have to keep secrets like she did with me. Twin Flames reveal everything about themselves to each other. While I was doing that, she did not, and when it got to the point where I wanted to read her journal, she wouldn't allow me to.

And so, I kept my secrets from her too. She doesn't know everything about me, even if she thinks she does. There are some cards up my sleeve. Stuff that I will share only with my true Twin Flame and not this imitation.

This liar. This hypocrite. This ignorant human being.

She was polyamorous when I met her. That alone should have told me something. A good and kind hearted human being with values and morals would not have considered sleeping with multiple people.

That's not my Twin Flame.

She still owes me money from our trip to Arizona.

Had she truly cared about me, it would already have been paid back.

She would apologize frequently or at intervals, telling me the reasons why she couldn't pay it back. But she hasn't. She doesn't care or respect me enough to do so.

Alright... I'm doing a better job of convincing myself now that she's the wrong one for me. Despite the telepathic link we seem to share.

So what was the point of all this? What was her job and what was mine?

To hurt each other? She did sometimes say she wanted me to "abuse" her, but it was in the context of sex which makes it confusing.

I don't know man, this is an evil entity I've come across. Ignorance is evil, and she is truly ignorant and clueless of how love should function inside of a healthy relationship. She has no idea what either of those things are, or how to achieve them. That's pure ignorance right there. Despite my demonstrating to her exactly how it should be.

I've got to cut these karmic ties with her. Somehow. I need to... either continue ignoring her, or to somehow communicate that I have not been dragged down to her level. Her unevolved/spiritually gimped level.

But.. Should I even do anything? There's no hope for her. I've tried so hard and given her all my love and wisdom and compassion and respect, and kept her on a long leash only for her to disrespect and not reciprocate anything of what I was doing.

So why bother doing anything more?

When I blocked her number and email, I checked the spam folder to see that she says I still have her chakra stones that she wants returned (heh) and a coffee cup I gave her. I had to shake my head at that. Who cares about either of those things? I've given her so many gifts, that when I stopped to think about what I had gotten from her that I could return, absolutely nothing came to mind.

And this is no surprise given that she didn't buy her sister anything for Christmas last year. She just isn't thoughtful enough to get a gift, let alone think of getting a good one.

Yeah, no. False Twin Flame. Wolf in sheep's clothing. Everything was there between us, except mutual love, respect and appreciation.

Those are the most important things.

On my chalkboard, I wrote "God is with me" and I firmly believe He or It is. I just have to try and understand it better. This was a lesson for the both of us. I did not allow my love for someone to chain me to them and to continually allow them to walk all over my feelings. Enough is enough, and I broke up for the last time knowing that.

I gave her the best of who I was, and she did not give me anything even close to what she received.

My Twin Flame would never do that to me. She would try to do her best also. The love between us is mutual and reciprocal. It is eternal and unmistakable.

And she is coming to me. As I type, there are forces in motion that is allowing for this to happen, but I must be patient while this is going on.

It could happen tomorrow, or next year. I don't know when, but it will.

We will be reunited together.

We will be making love with tears in our eyes.

Smiles on our faces.

And when she arrives at my doorstep, our smiles will penetrate into the depths of our souls.

And Fola will be nothing but a memory.

The tester will have failed to achieve its aims.

But, I still have to recover from this. I still need to heal.

I will have to write something on my other blog to announce that I am not broken by this. That I am strong enough and ready enough to endure this period so I can be reunited once more with the one I am truly meant for.

The woman of my dreams. The lady I've blogged about for years, but could never really believe she was out there.

She is.

And she is coming.

My arms are wide open in embrace.

Come to me my love.

Any which way you can.

My light has not been extinguished.

May we blind the world with our own.

The Illuminated Shadow

It's true. All of it. The spiritual stuff is true, reincarnation is real, past lives exist.

We have been here before many times, and there is a creative intelligence, a loving force behind all of it.

I just felt a surge of love threaten to put a tear in my eye as I wrote that.

On Monday night at work, the same day I last texted Fola telling her that I cannot be with someone who does not love me, or could love any children we would have together; I felt this clear, sharp energy flow through me. My shift at work went by unusually fast as I became absorbed in my work without pausing much for thought.

And yesterday, it kind of became the opposite. At around midnight I could feel this... these sensations around my ears. I can't really describe it, but it has happened a few times before. Because it doesn't seem t happen whenever I am with Fola, and because we have on more than one occassion "telepathically" linked with each other in terms of feelings/sensations; I knew it had to be her. Thinking of me, or sending me Reiki, or something where I was a product of her consciousness at the time.

That feeling started at around 11pm I think, and went on for.. hmm.. maybe 1am? Fola would have gotten off of work around then, and went to sleep around then. Assuming she was working that day.

Those sensations were followed by sleepiness. I started feeling extremely tired, completely different than the day before. And I.. was thinking that...

Well, I was reaffirming.. No. I was reminding myself that I broke up with her for all the right reasons.

She is not a good person. She was not a good girlfriend. Not a good mother. And no amount of faith in the world can make her into one, unless she wants to be.

And I don't think she wants to be. She reveres Aleister Crowley after all. The Wickedest Man in the World, as he was called during his life.

As I kept thinking about her throughout the night, I began to think about this article here:

http://twinflameconnection.com/twin-flame/identifying-the-false-twin-flame.html

The most important summation of that article, is that Fola was a false Twin Flame who is intended to prepare me for my true Twin Flame to come, and that she was latching onto me. Like a vampire, to feed off of my energy.

Almost everything in that article really resonated with me. I was being used by this woman. Manipulated. She didn't actually love me, even though she said she did. It was all crumbs. All teases.

All she wanted was my energy. My love. My wisdom. My spirit.

Evil truly does exist.

She did not give me any of the things that I gave her.

She wanted to enslave me. Make me into a puppy. Or puppet.

I did the right thing, but I kept thinking last night.. Kept reminding myself of all the moments we've shared that pointed to evidence suggesting that she was incapable of loving another human being, even when love was staring her right in the face, inviting her to come in.

No matter how many synchronicites we've both shared; Fola kept wanting more and more. She didn't take the signs seriously. She didn't put in the work and respect the connection we had. She kept dismissing my feelings and hurting me in the process.

Fucking me with a smile on her face as I cried at 1:30am after she came from hanging out with Cody for three hours.

The same woman who messaged Cody and described me as the "guy she's seeing" rather than her soulmate, her twin flame or even her boyfriend.

The scorpion versus the frog. Such an apt parable. I believe in the transformative power of love.

I still believe in it, but some people.. For some, love is not enough.

That is what my ex, Lauren, once said to me years ago when we were about to break up for the 4th time and she talked about how I wasn't good enough for her.

"Sometimes love isn't enough." she said, with a straight face.

No, Lauren. No, Fola.

LOVE IS ENOUGH.

Love is all we need.

Love should be all that we want.

When it presents itself, the face of divinity smiles upon the relationship. It is there watching and governing our every move and action. It is all that matters. It is the bright sun shining upon our souls, renewing and uplifting us.

Not depleting and bringing someone down.

Despite my knowing all this I still keep on justifying my breakup with Fola. I keep accessing the memories of all that we've done, to find further proof that I have done the right thing. I need to make sure. To really know that I should be giving up on her.

And to know that I am a good person.

And that she is not able to become one.

Fola.. is.. so.. obssessed with the accumulation of personal power, that it makes me sick to think that it is the sole focus of her life. Rituals, magic, law of attraction, spells... All that stuff is what she is interested in, but not enlightened enough to understand or to use properly. Or enlightened enough to know that there are more important things to be asking and working towards than a land rover or having lots of money.

There are more important things than material possessions in this materialistic world. I had thought that my love for her would cause her to realize this, but it had not.

It was simply not important enough for her to change her focus. To really try at becoming someone worthy of love and someone able to reciprocate and cherish it.

Not a woman I would want to raise my children, thats for sure.

So.. There is a God out there. At the very least, soulmates/twin flames do exist. Which means that the spiritual realm does exist also. That there is life after death and consciousness goes on. It does not perish.

She is a false twin flame.

But, man.. I wonder.. if my true twin flame is out there. I mean, she has to be, right? But at the same time, I'm wondering..

I'm just wondering.

When can I see her? When can we be together?

Will we have the same taste in music?

Will we connect as instantaneously as I did with Fola?

Will the sex we have be as good or better?

Is she young enough for me to have children with? Will she have children of her own?

Will I be meeting her on a dating site, or in person?

I don't know.

I want to know. though.

I want to see her. To be with her. To smell her. To feel her next to me.

To tell her about this terrible time, and that...

The journey has been worth every step.

And that I would gladly endure it all again to be with her.

(sighs)

What a life this is.

We're supposed to each be learning a lesson, Fola and I, and I'm a little unclear as to what I ended up learning. Other than that love cannot transform someone who resists it. Who does not step into its light. Who mimics love, rather than genuinely gives it.

I've learned to respect myself more, knowing that I deserve better, especially after I've given someone my everything. If my everything is not good enough, if the love that I truly feel is not good enough; then I must move on and find someone who does think its good enough.

More than enough.

That is the way it needs to be.

The only way it has to be.

I will not consent to becoming someone's slave. I will not be tossing pearls before swine.

Although I have done both with Fola. Thankfully, I got out just in time.

I think.

I couldn't have ended things any better. She can reflect upon all that we've gone through as I continue on my journey as will she.

There is a God.

There is a light.

And I will continue to move towards it.

As best as I can.

Strangers in the Night

Yesterday was horrific.

I got to see her true colors. Where to start...

(sighs)

She's a narcissist alright. She's incapable of empathy and incapable of expressing or reciprocating genuine love towards another human being. Which in this case, means me.

It also means her daughter.

We had a tough past couple of days. She came over last night to talk, and it was ugly. She offered no reassurance to me. No sympathy. No attempt at compromising or consolation.

When I asked her if she could even love someone, she said yes, and used her daughter Ivy as an example.

Well... She has said on more than one occasion that she feels unfit to raise her own daughter. In fact, she wants her husband Larry to take full custody of her and she will get to see Ivy every second weekend.

Every second weekend. This is the mother we are talking about here. Not the dad.

The one who gave birth to this child. Wants to see her every second weekend.

And that's her example of her being able to love someone.

Fuck, man.

She is dark.

So fucking dark.

Turns out this Cody "friend" of hers is someone she's infatuated with, but not all the way. Kind of a holding pattern sort of thing. I read the messages they've exchanged, and it wasn't pleasant. I was referred to as "this guy I'm seeing" who is "temperamental" because I didn't like how she hung out at his house when I needed her most. Just to have her come by at 1:30am afterwards to fuck me with a smile on my face as I cried. Not even asking why.

And she called Michelle a "dummy".

This woman..

Well its over. I am having a hard time getting the words out. She is definitely the scorpion and I am the frog, and there is no solution in correcting a narccisist who has little desire to put others needs first before her own.

To make compromises. I suggested that because she was jealous of Michelle, and that I wasn't liking her relationship with Cody, the player, I offered to stop seeing Michelle if she would stop seeing Cody. I reasoned that when we each sacrifice something, the relationship becomes more meaningful and trust is more easily established when such a gesture has been made. But what did Fola say? "It's not going to solve anything:.

So, no compromises. She is still going to keep on seeing that guy. And other guys, in the future.

Most important thing that happened to me yesterday was seeing Trina for a tarot reading.

I pulled the three of swords. That one was important.

Trina did an inadequate job of explaining what that card meant to me, so I had to look it up myself.

Love: In the context of love this card does not have to be the death knell of a relationship, but it does almost always point to relationship difficulty and pain. In order for the relationship to survive, both parties must be willing to work on and talk about the relationship. You may find that someone you thought cared about you is not as loving as you had supposed. Do not take this too personally or dwell too long on the pain, if that is the case. You are being guided to the relationship that is right for you. You cannot force something to be right or someone to care if they do not. The right person will care - of their own accord - without you doing intense contortions, so to speak, to make it happen.

I believe this. Oh God, do I believe this. I cannot dwell on the pain, I do know she is not as loving as she claims to be. I will not take this personally. I will try and believe that the right relationship is coming my way. Hopefully as soon as possible.

Introduction: Regardless of the way that the 3 of Swords card is depicted in most Tarot decks (a heart with Swords going through it,) know that it is not all bad. Although there is an element of sorrow that is undeniable when this card appears, what lies on the other side of this sorrow can be enhanced understanding and joy. Allow yourself to fully experience any sorrow or pain that comes up now, so that you can move beyond it.

General: In general, this card can point to very deep emotional issues that must be addressed before the querent can move on. Denying pain does not make it go away (any more than denying a broken leg makes it heal.) However, attention must be paid to balance here also as it must be paid with the 2 of Swords. Allow yourself to experience any pain that comes up now, but do not wallow in it. You do not and should not wallow in grief or sorrow for long. However only you can decide how long is long enough. Others can't decide it for you.

Yes. That is important. I will not deny my pain, and I will try to let it pass through me as quickly as I am able to. Holding onto it is not going to do me any good.

I realize how superstituous this is all making me sound, but it gets better. Other cards in the reading, once again brought up the Emperess (Trina claims it is a blond fair-skinned woman that I will be in a relationship with), and I also picked up the High Priestess card which indicates that I will be taking a class. Likely Reiki, which is what I have discussed earlier in the blog.

Another card that I can't remember which, described how my back was turned to work and that I didn't like my job. True as well.

Should have taken a picture of this spread, but I completely forgot my phone at home and couldn't do it.

Well.. Now for the interesting part. Trina feels strongly that I have psychic ability and that I would be a great healer. I'm not sure about either of those things, and I express a healthy bit of skepticism in regards to these claims. But, how can you deny psychic ability when the reading was over and I felt this sudden compulsion to pick up the Tarot deck, riffle through them and select a single card.

Guess which card it was?

That one.

Trina laughed. She was witnessing another example of how I manage to pull the right card at the right time. The last time I riffled through the deck to select a single card, was when I predicted Rose Quartz and it came up out of over 50 different ones.

I guess there is something up there watching over me. Engineering things. Teaching me things. Guiding me to places and people.

I believe it, but I don't understand it. Higher self? God? Angels? Buddha? Jesus?

Heck if I know, but I do know that I deserve better in a relationship. Fola.. was perfect in every way, except for being an evil as fuck narccisist who doesn't take responsibility for her actions, or understand how they affect me until I explain them to her.

And even then, she rarely apologizes. Even when she does, she certainly does not try to make amends or put forth any special effort in making me feel loved and appreciated and wanted.

The conversation we had yesterday really went nowhere. She had an excuse for everything, and when she couldn't come up with a rebuttal, she would point the finger at me and say that I need to be introspective and examine my insecurities.

To her credit, she did make the fine observation that we both need time apart to dig deep within ourselves so that we can achieve our soul's purpose. I can agree with that.

But... can she love me after this period passes? No. A narcissist cannot change so easily. And she has expressed little desire in changing, so this is impossible.

Trina argued with me that Fola is fucked. That people like her have no chance at reforming themselves. I argued otherwise. I said I felt love was transformative. That each of our arguments was a battle that had to be fought where we would establish boundaries. Some battles are lost, others are won and ultimately it is the effort put in, the love given, that can help me win the war.

But, after last night I realized that I cannot force her to desire to change. She has to do that herself. And the odds are highly stacked against her.

She wants her daughter every other weekend, and tells me with a straight face that she loves her. Even though I've seen how she interacts with Ivy in public. I don't see much love there. Don't think I've ever seen her kiss her daughter, or hug her.

Much less smile at her with beaming pride and love.

Yeah.. that's her example of expressing love to another human being. Her best example is the worst one possible.

I feel so bad for her husband. He must really be going through some shit. I don't know how they managed to stay together for so many years.

There was a moment last night when I felt my soul open up. The conversation was going nowhere, and I just... allowed my heart to flow.

It moved her. I told her about how our relationship mimicked the one I had with Lauren all those years ago, and how Lauren was the same age as Fola back then, and how she also had a two-year old daughter and also made false promises about loving me, making things work, etc. We were broken up like four times already, too.

Fola asked me what I could have done differently, and I was a bit insulted because I couldn't do anything other than to love the woman I was with. That was all I could do, and I'm still doing. But when I thought about it some more, I realized that I should have more self-respect. I should be able to put my foot down and accept that this relationship, no matter how good the chemistry, the sex, the conversations; it all is meaningless when the other person does not truly love you. Or is incapable of doing so.

I am an empath, and narcissists are drawn to me like a fly to honey.

I get it now. They want what they lack.

They want to enslave me. Just as Fola was trying to do. Making me dance under her strings like a puppet, obeying her every command at my expense. Not giving me much of what I need in return.

Few months ago I bought a tshirt that said "slave" on it.

Fola complimented me on how nice it looked when I wore it.

I think that sums it all up.

Michelle has been such a sweet, supportive soul throughout all this. I don't know how it would have turned out if I didn't have her to bounce my thoughts off of. To validate them. I ended up going to her work today to buy a balsamic vinaigrette and to drop off some Timbits with a hug, thanking her for being a bright light in a dark world.

I need to keep myself reminded that there are still good people out there.

I know God exists. Or some kind of intelligence that is interested in furthering my evolution and bringing me closer to the life I deserve and want to have.

I want to do good things for people, and for myself. And to be loved and to love.

As Fola was leaving yesterday, she asked if she could give me a hug. I felt insulted she had to ask, and so I gave her one.

There was something special about it. Pure love was flowing through me and into her. She felt it enough that she started crying.

I cried too.

I tried to break away early, but she wouldn't allow it. Usually she is the one that breaks away first.

She gave me a kiss, and it was wonderous.

She left and I sat on a chair looking off into the distance of the night, feeling my feelings.

Listening to my heart.

I then went upstairs, laid in bed and meditated. Woke up at around 3 and then prayed for help.

The urge came over to me right there and then, to run to my phone and send her a final text.

"Goodbye." was all I said. I wasn't sure if this is what I most wanted to do, but it made the most sense.

I can't keep putting faith into her. I can't keep putting energy into someone that doesn't give any back.

A black hole. A vaccum. A succubus. An energy vampire.

I don't like the idea of having to lose faith in people, but... last night I did. Or at least most of it was lost.

I had booked the 20th and 21st of August to spend with Fola on my uncle's acreage. I was excited about that, and all it took for my excitement to dissipate, was seeing a message from her to Cody asking if he knew of anything that was going on on those dates.

That did it.

For a woman that claims she needs more quiet time and to recharge herself; she seems to have no problem with hanging out at social gatherings and with other men, rather than spending time alone figuring herself and her life out.

Probably not exciting for her. And she claims to be an introvert, which I find absolutely hypocritical and ignorant.

Ignorance is the root of all evil, I truly feel. When we ignore or invalidate the pains of others and do little to redeem ourselves, then we have accepted the seed of evil into our hearts. We accept the separation. We accept cruel and selfish behavior.

She's accepted those things. She is not going to keep any of the promises she made me. About being more loving, forgiving, affectionate, etc. I am just going to be strung along until she finds someone more interesting to be with, because by then, all of my energy will be depleted and there is nothing left to give her.

I am so happy that we ended last night the way we did. She left my house knowing that the love I have for her was authentic. It was the real thing that she most wants to feel and pursue, according to what she used to tell me about wanting to experience and give unconditional love.

So, I gave her that, and sent her on her way.

Final text. Blocked her email and number.

Guess now, I'm going to put my head up and turn myself forward again. To move into the direction that I am intended to go in.

Just like she will be.

Her journey, is not my journey.

And I wish her well.

Even if I no longer believe in her.

Come to me my love. I am waiting. I am willing. I.. I'm almost ready for you. Give me a few days.

And then come.

Please.

I have so much to give you.

And I know our love will be the stuff of legends.

Should God be willing to grant it.

Or whatever else can.

I will wait.

I will keep hope alive.

But I need help to do so. I need more than just dreams. I need something concrete and real.

Perhaps it can only come from inside of me, but perhaps it can come from outside of myself as well.

I will bet on both.

Winning the lottery would solve a lot of things that are wrong in my life. I could quit my job. Pursue Reiki more easily. Travel the world. Get hearing aids.

Afford to buy the life that I need.

Not want.

Need.

(sighs)

I love you Fola.

I love you God.

And I love me.