Stumbling Blocks

Stumbling, stumbling along and to me that is progress.

I didn't feel like posting up anything on the blog, but within the first ten minutes of the season two finale of Mr. Robot; I felt that I had to get a few things off my chest. I couldn't enjoy sitting around watching television with constant distractions that needed to be accounted for.

This morning, as I woke up and checked the windows as usual, peering outside to see if there was life still on this planet and that everything was okay in my neighborhood; I noticed footprints in the snow on my sidewalk, leading to the door. Since I woke at around 1030am, I must have slept right through whoever was knocking.

When I first saw those, I put my detective skills to use. Was it the person who dropped off the weekly local paper? No, I didn't see the paper there. Was it a door-to-door salesman or a Jehovah's witnesss that I get from time to time?

No. And this is the part where I'm kind of confused about.

You see, in my driveway there were tire tracks. Someone parked, got out of the vehicle and walked to my door. So, it was someone who had to have known me, if they would park where they did. Except, if I missed seeing someone that I knew, I surely would have heard of it afterwards. A text, a phone call, something.

But there was no clue as to who that could have been. Wait a second.. (flash realization)

Okay, I've just came in from checking, the footprints are slightly smaller than my own. No heels. Look like boots, or flat soles. Hard to tell gender, but it could possibly have been a woman given the size and shape.

And oddly enough, there is a fake tree that I have to the right of my door; buried within its leaves is a stuffed Kermit the Frog that visitors can see, but only if they are standing there and looking directly at him.

He is no longer there.

Could it have been this person who arrived, that took it? Or was it taken awhile ago? I don't know for sure.

In any case, someone drove up to my house, parked on my driveway, likely rang my door and left. And didn't tell me who they were, or left any kind of note.

It's interesting. Only one set of footprints, so its unlikely to be salespeople or door-to-door because they often come in pairs and they don't park in someone's driveway.

And.. I kept thinking as I'm watching Mr. Robot; what if it was her?

My ex?

I know its such a long shot, and there is no reason for her to be there that I can think of which would be believable; but it is a possibility.

And.. goddamnit.. The possibility torments me.

And.. today was rough. I thought of her a lot. Without meaning to. Again, more feelings of regret flooded through me. I couldn't help any of it. Couldn't plug the hole of the dam with any of my fingers. It just came pouring out in waves.

So much regret. So much sadness. So much loneliness.

I'm surprised I haven't cried over all this today, but as I'm typing, I can feel waterworks threatening to start.

There's other things I could talk about, such as my visit to the doctor today about a rash and things related to that; but these kind of events aren't all that interesting to me.

And my book, also, seems to be such a struggle to keep up with. Although I did put some work into detailing some of my characters today. I gave them each a photograph of how I envisoned them, and attempted at writing out an outline, since up till now (55k words), I haven't outlined a damn thing really, and its all been freeform.

*sighs* .. I have a lot of anger buried in me that I'm not good with getting out. I had the brief idea of going into my basement and screaming at the top of my lungs, but I know my neighbors would hear and freak out.

I need some form of catharsis, but I don't know how or what it needs to be. Other than to find a woman that can distract me from this pain, if even for a little while.

Why.. *sighs* why do I .. measure my happiness this way? By being with someone?

I guess its because relationships are important to me. Intimacy is important. Having a frank conversation is important. Expressing my thoughts and listening to someone express theirs, is important to me. And exciting. And desirable.

And needed.

So...

Yeah.

I have to remember that Trent Reznor once felt pain like this, when he wrote "Something I Can Never Have" on his album Pretty Hate Machine. Lots of people have felt pain like I do right now.

Except for me, it is a bit worse. A bit different, too. Was Reznor already in a relationship with that girl? Or was he pining after someone who he was never involved with?

The difference is important, when it comes to finding a song or story that mirrors my situation. Because until it does, I can only think that I'm pretty unique in how this all came about.

I fell in love with someone after she left me. Not before. Not during. After.

And.. it transformed me. If even for a brief while.

My blog is proof of that. I'm glad I posted as much as I did during that period.

So..

Anger. Anger at myself. Regret...

It's such..

*sighs*

It's such a burden to carry.

Particularly when it seems like my prayers aren't being heard.

So, there is no recourse for me. No closure. No.. tieing up of loose ends. No reason to be hopeful, and yet I remain hopeful still.

Because that is just the way it has to be. I can't give up. I have to go on.

With or without her.

I wish my resolve would eclipse my torment, so that is why I have been trying. Stumbling, to be precise. Stumbling towards fulfillment.

Anything to.. mask the pain. To make me feel deserving of having it gone from me. Casted off a cliff, and never to be seen again.

I don't want to imagine her dating other men. Being with them. Smiling with them. Joking with them. Having sex with them. Having them meet her kids.

I don't want to imagine it, but its likely to happen, anyways. At some point in time.

She's..

*sighs*

Fuck.

I love that woman.

I love her and..

There's nothing I can do about it.

Just suffer.

And today a new pattern emerged after my "Oh, God" moments spontaneously erupted at various intervals. The pattern is responding with, "keep suffering David."

As if it was something I deserved.

I don't deserve it, and yet I wonder if maybe I do.

But.. I acknowledge that I am suffering. And have to learn to let it go somehow and...

It sucks.

But...

Life has to go on.

Suicide is so far from my mind, that I'll never consider it. I'd rather suffer than to throw all this away. This opportunity of life. And a chance to make something of it.

So.. I stumble along, and hope for the best.

It's all I can do.

And.. wonder who it was that was at my front door this morning.

Letting my imagination get my hopes up.

*sighs*

What a loser I've become.

What a mess.

But..

I'm still going to keep trying.

For better or worse.

Under The Microscope

Like swatting a fly bare-handed, I managed to figure out at least one of the causes behind my elusive "Oh, God" moments.

Regret.

And this is no superficial observation to be making. Had it not been for my last post, I wouldn't have caught it immediately afterwards. But as I was playing on my phone, a deep-level thought popped in of Gina and the sensation it produced was regret, so there you go. Mystery solved.

That makes sense. Regret I didn't get to do enough with her. Regret that I can't win her back. Regret that I never met her kids. Regret that I took her for granted in our last month. Regret, regret, ragrets.

However you spell it.

Alright, so now what? For six months.. (mentally calculates) six and a half months now; I've been feeling variations of regret. Having almost imperceptible thoughts about my ex which triggers this response. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make it up to her. I can't get her back. Nothing I've done has worked, and she...

She's moved on.

So, I'm living in the past. A past filled with the dozens upon dozens of faces I have met, on dates, in the hopes of finding the perfect relationship. Even if such a thing may not exist.

Gina was as perfect as it got.. But..

I don't know. Maybe there will be others like her..

Fuck, man.

I have a hard time believing it.

She set the bar so high, that...

Well...

It's not impossible to believe.

She's out there for me, somewhere.

*sighs*

Or so I tell myself.

Mm.

Time for bed.

Blackened Widow

Not much of a day to report on, and as a matter of fact, not much of a last couple of days either.

Well, there was Rogue One with Justin on Tuesday, but really, is that even important enough to remark on? The commercialization of my favorite science-fiction trilogy/series?

I think what is more worthy of being mentioned, is that widowed feeling I've been having today and last night. About her again, my ex, and..

Man, does it suck. Still thinking about her. It's still eating me up from the inside out. This kind of.. hole where things gush out, and I'm always having to keep my finger wedged inside so as to minimize the damage. Or the potential of damage, maybe, assuming that there hasn't been any.

Well.. (sinking feeling emerges).. *sighs* This is such a lame post already.. I feel like talking about specific things I've been feeling today, and I realize its basically the same old crap I've been dealing with for months now. Nothing special. Yesterday I had a few "Oh, God" moments when flashbacks of Gina and I came into mind. This whole reflex thing of (flashback) then "oh, God" as if..

As if God is going to do anything about it.

I find it interesting that in times of trouble or surprise, or great excitement; we tend to vocalize an "oh God" or "Jesus!" in response. Even among atheists, this is a common exclamation. Why is that? Because unconsciously we are calling for a witness, even if there are witnesses present. I think.. and this is my theory, that on some deep level, we are aware of a Divine Witness of some sort. Whether its God, Jesus, Allah or whom/whatever; that natural instinct to call out their names, seems to apply in my case as well, despite the level of awareness I have whenever I reflexively do the "Oh, God" thing. I'm always mindful of it after the fact, rarely during and hardly ever before. I don't realize I've said or thought that, until after it has been done.

But despite how common of a reaction that is, why does it trigger so frequently at certain times for me? Yesterday, I didn't dwell on Gina, I'd just.. I don't know. I'd be doing something around the house and a flash of *something* comes up related to Gina, and then the "Oh, God" appears; as if I am responding to some trauma, but no.. trauma has really been recollected I think.

Those moments are so fleeting and nebulous, that I have a hard time trying to think of just one of them to mention here. Again, even with my level of self-awareness; trying to analyze what feels like a strand of webbing that floats across your face and then gets wiped away; doesn't give much substance to really think about how it triggers an "Oh, God" response.

Here is my half-baked attempt at trying to describe a moment in particular. I'd be doing something around the house, and then.. a *thought* pops in of Gina. It doesn't have to be specific, just a thought about something. Her smile. The way she sang in the car that one time while we were driving to dim sum in a snowstorm. My not having met her kids. A flashback of seeing her profile again on OkCupid. That's all it takes, and then this sinking "Oh, God" reaction where I feel my heart getting squished enough for me to feel slightly saddened by.

Small squishes. *sighs* Such silliness. And today.. well.. Wait. I had the thought of wondering if these feelings are somewhat related to actual going-ons in Gina's life. I know.. I'm pulling the metaphysical/psychic/Akashic Field card on this one; but there is no explanation for why certain days are worse than others. Why certain days have a higher frequency of thinking about her, than others. Or the quality of the thoughts, too, seem to change and come about at random intervals. Some days its very subdued and doesn't affect me at all, and other days it just becomes relentless and although I'm trying to let it pass through me without repression or anger or emotion; its easier said than done. So.. Could these feelings be a reaction to something that is going on in her life? Has she met someone new that she is smitten by? Or is she in pain? Trouble? Stress? Is she thinking about me, and somehow I'm feeling the residual effects of it? Damn, I don't know, but I am very curious about this, however crazy it all sounds.

Here's the thing, though. There is weirdness in this world. There is something *psychic* out there that we can't really articulate or prove or have convincing evidence for. Basically, its the sensation of someone looking at the back of your head, and you turn around to see that someone was actually looking. Or perhaps, nobody was at all, but the feeling remained strong nonetheless.

It's not that I'm hoping for a metaphysical explanation to all this, but I bring it up because of the coincidences I've experienced in my life that seem to fall in line with theories like this. A lot of strangeness. A lot of.. maybes, and possiblys, and could-bes; that I'll never really be sure about.

Here's a recent example of what I mean. When Gyngie stayed overnight on NYEs, I had a dream about her. She wasn't even in bed with me, but I dreamed that she and this other girl were in the room with me. This other girl was a sultry redhead who seemed interested in kissing me. In the dream, she would move closer and closer to me, and I remember feeling nervous because Gyngie was there and I didn't want her to get mad or jealous. So, as this girl is coming closer and closer for a kiss; I look at Gyngie and see that she was smiling, therefore approving of this implication of a threesome happening with us. Unfortunately I woke up after that.

What was so unusual about this dream? Well, Gyngie had a dream about me too that evening. Sex related as well, and we didn't have sex. She dreamed that I was walking around fingering her (heh) and I had two roommates, and stopped fingering her once I introduced her to them. Both of my roommates were dressed as clowns, for some reason. Yeah, try and analyze that.

So, two people had sex-related dreams about each other in the same night. I find that interesting, and its not the first time I've had this happen to me either. My ex-friend Tina once wrote me an email about her having a dream about me, the same night I had one about her. Coincidence? Of course. But they also say that coincidences are Gods way of winking at you.

So, who knows?

And those are just the times when I've talked to people about their dreams. I'm sure there are many dreams that go unreported where I was involved, and that person who dreamed it may not have remembered it enough to tell me about. Or has remembered, and didn't bring it to my attention.

Perhaps, this kind of stuff is more common than we would think. Not just dreams, but shared feelings. Action/reaction. There is evidence of twins having a psychic bond between each other, as well as family members who are close to one another. Everyone has a story or knows someone with a story that involves a fantastic coincidence or "feeling" that turns out to be well-founded and prophetic.

Maybe in my case, this also applies. Except I don't know what Georgina is doing/feeling while I'm having these thoughts. If I knew, I could examine the correlations a little better.

Anyways, thats.. just one idea. Maybe the other is just the fact that I miss her terribly. And that I..

*sighs*

Same old, same old. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never see her again. But the "probably" is the part that I can't quite remove from my psyche.

Crystal and Lauren both went on to get married, and involved in happy relationships (so it seems), so.. maybe.. maybe Gina will too.

And given how I'm going to turn 40 this year; it seems like.. I've yet to really...

*sighs*

Yeah.. Well.. man.. trying to restore and keep faith is such a hard thing. I'm not getting any younger. I want to settle down. I'd like to maybe have kids. But there are other things that make me not ready for such a thing and... this.. feels like an unquenchable thirst. A yearning that I might never satisfy. This need of mine.. this want...

Do I deserve happiness? Would finding another Gina or getting back with Gina be the solution? Will it last for more than six months? Can I possibly be in a relationship for years? Will someone ever love me enough to want to put up with my shit for such a long period of time?

Apparently Gyngie does. And I'm so grateful for having her as a friend. Two years already, and she's still hanging out with me every now and then. And.. I'm learning from her what it takes to be in a good relationship, and how I must always try and be *myself* rather than become this restrained/walking on eggshells kind of guy who is cautious and suspicious. That's not who I actually am or want to be. But.. when someone really good comes along, I tend to look a gift horse in the mouth. For a long period of time, and I.. it takes me a while to become convinced enough by it for me to let my guard down.

And that's a big issue.

Well..

Now what should I write about..

Vibrations. Okay.. this is.. well, I'm already kind of tired of writing, so I'll make it quick.

You can raise and lower your "vibration". And I'm not talking about just having a positive attitude, I'm talking about affecting your state of being in a way that is transformative. Even if it is temporary. I tried this today, and had some interesting results.

It didn't last long, but when it did, the difference was noticeable from how it usually is.

In my younger days, I used to call this kind of attitude, the "not giving a fuck" attitude; but its actually a little deeper than that. Possibly a lot.

There is a kind of weariness that a person can embrace, which elevates them, if that makes any sense. It turns darkness into light. It becomes magnetic, in a way. Drawing certain people and certain situations. Again, I'm tired and don't want to go into detail, but I'm writing about this to keep it in mind for later. For when I have a better understanding of what "raising" my vibration actually involves and how it might work/benefit me.

All things in time, I suppose. The answer to the question of how to deal with loneliness and depression seems to always be the same.

"Accept it, and keep moving forward."

Acknowledge the darkness, the sickness, the SUCK and just keep going. Keep pushing. Keep trying.

Know that it is there, don't hide from it. Don't mask it. But don't let it control you either.

Let it.. Allow it to be. It's there for a reason.

Embrace it as a part of you that you won't apologize for. That you won't feel ashamed about.

Know that it is there.

And keep pushing ahead.

That is what staying true to yourself involves. What authenticity involves.

You don't have to give voice to it. You don't have to complain to someone about your feelings. Just accept them, and deal with them yourself. But don't let them control or diminish you. Just know that they are there, and that they are a part of you. Just like these feelings are a part of everyone else.

You are not some special snowflake, and yet you completely are.

The contradiction is the truth that we can't ever comprehend.

Anyways.. Well..

Still lonely. Still missing her. But at least I've taken steps to working on my novel again. Cleaned up the office upstairs. Organized my hard drives. My Kobo. Downloaded Scrivener and set things up in there.

So, I've not lost sight of my destination. Although I am walking towards it with chains and manacles, stumbling but slowly moving forwards. Getting closer and closer.

It could take years. Perhaps my entire lifetime.

But the stumbling must be done.

Until the day I am free of restraints.

If I ever am.

Troll Of the Year

"Happy 2017, may you all be shooting first in the New Year!"

That's what I wrote to my guild, in Star Wars Galaxies. I got a "lol" out of it, too. Gyngie thought it was lame, but it sure beats her suggestion of, "Happy 2017, may you all explode your own personal death star in the new year!"

(mimes putting gun in mouth) *click*

She thought mine was bad, but hers was even worse. It's a good thing BaneAndy came in with the "lol" shortly after. I probably wouldn't have gotten any comments had I used Gyngie's line.

Well, 2016 is over. One of the.. well, worst and best years of my life, I guess.

Dad died, met Gina, lost Gina. Had mindblowing sex with Cassandra in the beginning of the year and learned about the love that a black woman is capable of giving her man.. hrrmph.. (loosens collar)

Biggest thing was dad, obviously. Worst thing was Gina, obviously.

Best thing was Gina, and the changes she inspired in me over the summer.

She.. hasn't written me back. I took steps yesterday to put her out of my life for good, by taking her paper flowers upstairs from their spot on my bar cabinet. I also got rid of the random picture slideshow widget on my phone, which was set to show daily photos of my ex and random other (enticing) ladies.

I just don't see any hope left for her, is all. Or us. And despite my writing these words, I just know that I'm going to feel a surge of hopefulness at some point. And probably come up with another hare-brained scheme to win her back, but.. I'm going to try and keep that from happening. If I can.

New Years Eve went alright. Actually, it was pretty fun. I was invited to go over to Justin's place, but he waited until the last minute; so I had made plans to have Gyngie over, instead.

Trolling her was so much fun. We got drunk off of rum, tequila shots, vodka shots.. and had our usual hours-long conversation about random stuff.

We got onto the topic of how come women haven't made much of a dent in the creative field as men. I challenged her to name female directors as prolific as Stanley Kubrick, for example. All we could come up with, was Sophia Copolla and the lady that directed the Hurt Locker.

Then from there, I challenged her the same for books. We got Mary Shelley & J.K. Rowlings.

Gyngie blamed the patriarchy for this, and how women weren't "allowed" to be creative, and/or aren't taken seriously in the entertainment industry. And how hard it was for them to break through, etc. Etc. I retorted saying its just as hard for men to break through, and that maybe women just aren't as imaginative as guys are.

All hell broke loose when I slipped that dog from its chain.. Hahaha...

"WOMEN ARE JUST AS IMAGINATIVE AS MEN ARE!" she bellows, getting upset.

"I don't know," I retort with a straight face. "I mean the track record speaks for itself, doesn't it?"

Haha.. I'm not going to be able to dictate the entire conversation here; but I love my trolling skills, and yeah, I admit that women aren't nearly as prolific as men are. But there are reasons for that. Reasons I think which go beyond being oppressed by the "patriarchy". Sure, maybe 100 years ago this would be the case. Maybe even 50. But not now. Not in the last 20 years, lets say. Women have equal opportunities. And I tried supporting Gyngie by listing out examples of successful women authors/directors/scientists, however few they are. At least "successful" meaning Kubrik/Einstein-ish levels. Even though no women has ever achieved that kind of acclaim in history.

I brought up Joan of Arc; and brought up the fact that men's brains are wired more towards logic and reason; and testosterone plays a big part in being ambitious; but Gyngie still got offended. At one point, she threatened to take a cab home rather than have us continue the discussion.

"I AM SO DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION!" she huffs, and a big wry smile blossoming on my face.

If it was bad enough that I suggested imagination was not a woman's strong suit; imagine what would have happen had I suggested that maybe women nearly aren't as smart as men are. Overall.

Maybe next time I will, just for the lulz. I've aggravated her enough. Last time she was here, we were arguing about black people and I suggested that maybe they were genetically predisposed to criminal acts, because hey, there are more black people in jail than white people. And then she goes on about unreported white collar crime where white people get bailed out by lawyers, etc. Ehh.. another conversation I wish I could transcribe somehow. I thought I was making good points. Bringing up Freakonomics as part of my evidence that statistics don't tell the whole story (regarding wage inequality, for example. Or how Roe vs Wade equalled a drop in crime during the 90s).

So.. it was a fun evening. The trolling commence the next day too, when she wanted to go home and I kept stalling with funny excuses.

"It's too cold, just stay here."

and, "what if I don't take you home? Whattya gonna do? Call a cab?!"

Of course she wouldn't call a cab. It's too expensive, and so, the teasing commenced for at least a few more hours until I sensed she couldn't take it anymore.

Even while we were driving, "Hey you know, its not too late for me to turn around and have you spend the night over again."

Expert trolling I tell you.

(sighs)

So.. I thought of Gina again today, and yesterday.. and.. well.. yeah.

Guess I'll never see her again.

I don't understand the cruelty of her ignorance, and how she feels I am deserving of it. There was no sympathy or compassion on her part at all, in my wanting to get closure from our relationship.

It's such a..

Well.. I'm tired.. five percent life left on my laptop, so I better wrap this up.

2017.. a new year..

And...

Life marches on.

As do I.

As do we all.

Love Hurts / Hunger Strike

Christmas came, Christmas went.

I didn't feel like blogging for a while, but after last night and knowing that I've deliberately not posted about some of the important moments in my life on here; I am posting not really because I want to, but because I should be.

I'm going to let this picture do some of the talking,

Who is that girl, the second from the right?

Yeah, its her. Gina.

She's back on OkCupid.

After telling me she wouldn't date anymore / she's not ready to date, etc. Which was her reason for us having broken up.

Looks like she's ready again, I suppose.

I sent her a message asking how she was doing, and shortly after I did, I got blocked or she disabled her account.

And then there is this,

That flower I had planned on giving her, fell out of my car one day and was flattened out and fell apart.

I thought about fixing it up and.. I just didn't have time. It was Christmas, already, and I had to leave to go to the southside of the city for a party filled with more than 12 crazed Polish people, of which I was the only guy there who couldn't speak the language fluently enough to understand it. Well, I did get the swear words and a few odds and ends; but not enough for me to feel anything other than a complete and total outsider.

Food was great, though. I liked petting their dog Roxy, even though there was something wrong with her and she kept spinning around in circles chasing her tail while we were there. Huge freakin' dog too. See for yourself.

Anyways.. I didn't have time to fix up that flower, or to make a new one. So, it was Christmas and I'd be close by Gina and so.. What should I do?

My mind was thinking, and it hit me.

I'm not proud, but I dropped that package off.

Didn't hear from her about it, but.. she was on OkCupid.. and..

Well, I cried for the first time in .. I don't know how long.. another month? I went into my dark basement, lit a candle, sat down, and felt these shuddering sobs pass through me. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, for the first time in.. well, I don't know how long.. I was not just letting tears slide down my face, but.. I was audibly sobbing. I felt like such a loser. Such a failure. I had a heart to heart with myself and.. Just.. thought about God, again. And how it doesn't seem that our "Creator" is able to really intervene in our lives when we most need him to. I thought about how all my prayers and faith were a waste of time. That it all lead to this moment, and that I never really had anything.. any real proof that I am loved by a being that apparently loves us all. Or if he/she/it does; then I am certainly not worthy or deserving of being tossed a bone or two.

Or whatever.

Now.. After having enough of my wallowing, I aired out my grievances to both Gyngie and Loretta, who is this black girl that invited me over to her house tomorrow. Loretta and I have been having some fun/insightful conversations lately, and the fact that she invited me over, is making me hopeful. Not because I hope to get laid or anything, but because I feel trusted and accepted without us having met. Plus, it was her idea. That is such a huge gesture on her part, and it meant a lot to me.

She reminds me of Gina, a little.

Anyways.. after a bit of all this sitting around in the dark basement; I wrote up an email. And I don't think.. or will ever know if Gina got it. Because she likes to ignore me, or has blocked me, or whatever.. And..

Well, here is the email, for posterity stake.

To: Carolyn

Gina, I don't know if you've blocked my email but I'm going to take a chance and send you this after seeing you on okcupid earlier tonight.

What we had together, is still eating away at me. You gave me no closure and no chance to rectify any wrongs I may have committed. You didn't even explain to me what those might have been, and I have been suffering from not knowing what they are. From my point of view, things were going well with us until shortly after my father passed. That's partly what I'm going to take responsibility for, that I wasn't fully committed to our relationship and I still remember vividly, our last evening together and our last kiss. I'm still carrying the shame of that night, but had I known you were going to suddenly break up through text and without warning or a conversation; I would've changed my priorities and taken us more seriously.

We had it good, together, I thought. We made each other laugh, the sex was great and would've gradually gotten better, our texts were fun even if I was still not into talking on the phone (which has now changed, as I've had a three hour conversation with a girl two weeks ago that went really well)  and, we were both wanting the same things from a relationship and however slow it was progressing, it felt to me that it was inevitable that you and I would become more serious.

I said I loved you before, and I'll say it again still. Even though you have a terrible way of dealing with conflict by ignoring rather than addressing it when it happens. If something was bothering you back then (and it clearly was) than you should have brought it to my attention. But we both failed, because I didn't bring my grievances to your attention either. I didn't want to burden you with them.

Neither of us are confrontational people, and I think that was the biggest failing in our relationship. When we kept those negative feelings inside, rather than airing them out; then it builds up and sours, rather than empower and strengthen.

You didn't give me any specific reason about what made you decide I was worth breaking up through text over; so I've had a lot of time to try and figure out what those reasons might have been. You're a good person. A beautiful human being, and the woman I've always wanted, but.. You.. Have something.. Or have judged me in an extremely harsh way, that I'm questioning my judgement as to what kind of a person you actually are. I mean, were you only pretending to be into me the whole time? Was giving me a foot rub something you thought you had to do, and not really something you wanted to? That's some of the questions I still haven't found answers for.

I'm not going to spend the rest of this email going over our personal failings, other than to just share my thoughts on what seeing you on okcupid has stirred up. For someone who broke up with me claiming that you aren't ready to date again and that you don't want to; I see it as a lie, and a reason for me to think that maybe you aren't as good of a person as I thought you were. Being together almost six months should have counted for a bit more respect and compassion than a break up text and being repeatedly ignored and denied understanding. Wouldn't you agree?

So, I'm not sure what else to say here. Yes, I miss you and I do love you. Or whoever you pretended to be.

Tying darth vader to my bed. You spilling coffee on the carpet. Our YouTube music video night; you've given me some great memories, and I apologize if I have hurt or repulsed you to the point where I'm better off ignored, disrespected and forgotten.

And that our time together, was a waste.

Not sure what else to say, and I doubt that you'd respond anyways. I should know by this point to take my ball and get off the field; but, I suppose I'm going to attempt to appeal to your compassion and decency. If there's any of those left in you.

You said you wanted to make the world into a better place. And that all you were looking for, is a good man.

Well, if you don't think that I am good, or that I don't share your sentiment; then I wish you all the luck in finding the right guy on okcupid who has the same values you do. I just pray you won't end up bitter and broken like the 99% of women I've met online happen to be.

Don't become one of them. Please.

The reason I feel this strongly towards you, is because when we met; you weren't one of them.

You could only be you.

And.. I guess I need to learn to trust myself and other people more. You had much more faith in our relationship than I did. I've been hurt so many times before, that being with you was a challenge because I couldn't bring myself to fully believing that what we had was real. And that you really cared for me.

And.. Had you stuck it out, I'm certain I would've proposed. As frightening as that might sound to you now 😕

Anyways, I'm done. I wish you would've read my new profile before you left. I've gotten a lot of compliments and I know you would've loved reading it.

Well, take care Gina. I'd like a reply, but I don't expect to get one.

I apologize for how it all went.

And the gifts.

Thank you though. For everything.

.. Bye.

David

That's it... Pretty sad, right?

I'd like a reply, but I don't expect to get one.

Thats what makes it worse, whether she realizes it or not, and whether or not I'm blocked; because I'm always going to wonder if she read it. Or if she read my other email. Or that one text I sent her in October..

Maybe she hasn't read a damned thing.

So..

(sighs)

I had a dream last night about her, too. We were both sitting in a car and talking. She was telling me about how she liked tornadoes or something. The subject of the conversation wasn't important, but what was important, is that I felt we were having a meaningful discussion about something she was passionate about. That she was opening herself up to me and sharing something intimate.

There wasn't anything else I remembered about the dream, unfortunately. Wish there was more to it.

In other news, even though I've given up on her; Kiley is still texting.

I really don't care anymore.

Today is a new day. Lunch with Justin and then we're finally going to see Rogue One.

Can't wait.

RIP Carrie Fisher.

and George Michael.

What a shit year it has been.

Love you dad.

I'm sorry I couldn't have made you proud of me.

Destiny is Within

Well, it hasn't been that great of a day, but I'm not going to cry about it.

I got up early, put the garbage out, went for breakfast and coffee, put the laundry away, cooked myself some ribs for lunch.

Got a haircut later.

But.. meh. This Kiley business seems over with, already. So much for the power of visualization and affirmations, right? I admit, although I was 100% committed to doing those things; I wasn't putting in 100% of effort.

As usual, Kiley dragged her feet and went hours without texting back about what our plans are for meeting; so I decided to call her, and.. bleh.

I could tell from her voice, and some of the things that she was saying, that she was a bit of a mess. She was talking about how busy she was, and how she had all these things to do; but then complained about procrasination and how hard it was to get stuff done.

Also, she said maybe next week we'll meet. So.. I'm.. Well, I wasn't' thrilled to hear that, but I'm not completely bummed out about it either. That voice of hers wasn't pleasant sounding.. and.. she seemed pretty scatter-brained and insensitive, actually. I don't mean to put her down about it, but those were the impressions I got from the conversation.

Looks like they fired the lady I enjoyed talking with at the barber shop. Another reason for my mood to sour a bit. I liked her. But, I guess thats that.

And then, when Gyngie was telling me about how she didn't have any money to get her daughter a birthday gift (which was today) or a Christmas present; I stepped up and offered her to sell her a gift for a quarter.

What does she say? "Tonight wouldn't work anyways, she's going out and I'm in a raid."

Meh. No "thank you" no "that's nice of you" or anything like that. Being in a raid in Destiny is more important than the gesture I was making.

Yet another reason..

Man..

And that flower I made for Gina? It fell apart when I accidentally knocked it over. Not completely, and I could probably fix it back up without much effort; but..

And last night also, I had the compulsion to re-activate my account on OkCupid and I got into a few good conversations with some of the girls on there. Not so much today. In fact, I think I offended a few. Unintentionally and without meaning to do so.

Nothing really.. made me feel good today, I suppose.

Not a thing. Other than getting a few chores done.

Well.. I don't know what else to say here. Another thing I did last night, was bargain with "God" to give me proof that my faith is well-placed. And.. yeah, going by today, I don't feel like it has been. I hate admitting it.

(sighs)

It's tough. Not a silver lining in sight, really. I'm out of work, and the future doesn't look bright for me on any level. Job-wise, relationship-wise, personal growth, writing... It just doesn't. There's nothing.. Nothing I look forward to. Nothing that I can really be happy about.

I feel stumped. But.. I'm still okay. I feel like an idiot and a giant loser, but I'm still okay.

For now.

Guess I'll be drinking tonight.

God seems to have forsaken me.

And I feel darker now.

Control Is An Illusion

Well.. fireplace going by my side now, got a cup of chocolate espresso on my right and a glass of mandarin vodka with Coke Zero on the left.

All lights are off, "Love is A Battlefield" on the headphones and since my laptop was nearby, I figured I'd get to penning a few thoughts.

But lets start with something odd, first. I've written every off and on about the need for me to stay true to myself. To *really* listen to the urges and feelings within me. To listen to the "truth" of my being, despite it being hidden under layers and layers of bullshit with loud voices.

So.. I did. Tonight I did listen to that voice, and this is what happened.

Yeah, that T-Rex is holding a paper flower which I made an hour ago. On my own, from scratch, and used Gina's flowers as a reference point to figure out exactly how to make this thing.

Wasn't easy, but it was kind of fun. I didn't have any glue, so there's some unsightly scotch tape in a few places.

Well, now that I made that, the question has become, "what are you going to do with it?"

Give it to her, obviously.

But...

No, fuck it. I am.. Ooh.. Trying to listen to my inner voice now and I can't claim with 100% certainty that I'd want to leave it on her lawn. As far from the door as possible.

But.. I do feel.. a sense of certainty about this. I couldn't bring myself to mail the package of gifts I assembled for her, but this feels different. This feels more.. "right" for lack of a better word.

Only thing is, I can't decide whether or not to include a note. And if I do, what will I write on there?

I had four scrap pieces of paper left over from building that flower, and they all have random scribblings on them.

"Yes. I still love you."
"My feelings haven't changed."

And a couple long paragraph ones that I didn't feel were good enough to be using. And thats not to mention how anal I was about getting the "look" of my printing right. Really obsessive attention to detail. Anyhow, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to be using any of these phrases or these paragraphs I experimented with.

So, thats why I settled down by the fireplace. Sitting on the floor with a couple pillows propped up, and now Gina's CD is playing the second track, which is still as euphoric and blissful as it was when I first heard it.

I'm addicted to the song "Drive" by The Cars right now, and one of my ideas for a note is to simply write, "Drive" by the Cars on it. So that she would listen to it on YouTube or someplace, but I don't know if she will. I still don't know how she would react to seeing the paper flower.

The flower communicates a couple of things by itself, I've realized. That I'm still thinking of her, and that I still have feelings for her. Isn't that enough? But.. a part of me wants to leave a door open for her to walk through, should she so choose. Just.. leaving the flower wouldn't be enough, would it?

Enough for what, though? For her to consider us getting back together? I'm delusional.. to think that, aren't I?

Think a paper flower by itself would be enough?

I don't know.

It would be easy, however, to just leave it there and nothing else. Cross my fingers after it happens, because thats all I can really do.

She still knows where I live, and maybe she still has my number or my email.

At the very least, she knows where I live.

So, there's no need to keep any kind of "door" open since mine always is.

Wow.. this song is so good... (ends)

Inside Out by Culture Beat is on now.

What a great mix I made for her. I still wonder if she listened to it, but I don't think she did. Despite my giving it to her twice.

(sighs)

If I'm going to leave her a note with a song title on it, I'd better pick a good one. Drive is a fantastic song, but I don't know if it encapsulates what I want her to feel and what I feel. I don't think it does. Its kind of a depressing song, really. The video for it is about someone with a mental illness, so.. I'm not sure if its appropriate. I believe Gina suffered from it at some point too.

As I have a few times, I must admit.

Thats the thing about mental illness. You don't really know that you are mentally ill until.. well, until I guess some "authority" concludes that you are. Or maybe, if you are thinking in a way that causes complications in your life and relationships and basic functioning. Negative complications of course, although I was suffering from euphoria when I was first admitted to a hospital in 2006 for four days of observation.

"How good do you feel on a scale of one to ten?" a young assistant fellow once asked me, as I was being evaluated.

I didn't hesitate much when I responded with, "11."

Better than perfect, it seems. And at the time, I was feeling that way. I was so keenly aware of my environment, and everything was so clear and defined that this heightening of my senses exhilarated me. If we could make an analogy to a swinging pendulum, where the left side is negative and the right is positive; my swing went all the way to the right, and then raised itself up past the point of gravity, to remain suspended in the air for a brief while. Weeks, actually, before finally coming back down.

They gave me a diagnosis of bi-polarity, which I didn't quite agree with. I wasn't experiencing a simple manic episode before deviating into depression, and then back to mania, again.. Not when these episodes were separated from each other by years. And not when I've never experienced a maniac episode prior to this point.

Mm.

Anyways.. Kiley.. agreed to meet me, finally. But she is so.. terse over text. What I mean, is that I'm trying to plan out the when and where and I have to wait hours for a response. And when I get it, it sometimes doesn't specify anything. For instance, I'd ask her what day we could meet on and that I'm free Thursday or Friday night; and she responds with, "what do u want to do?" rather than answer the question.

So.. I guess I don't know.. She is confusing me. Or toying with me. Or is really that oblivious and incapable of manners and being polite/thoughtful. I don't know.

At the moment, I'm entertaining the notion that since she came from a marriage of ten years and that she claims to be happy to be divorced; that she is enjoying the sensation of being "wanted" and is well-aware of how much of a puppy dog I am, begging for her attentions. So, she is being deliberate about the way she is responding towards me. Or maybe, she doesn't have much interest in me as I hoped.

I don't know. Again, life is comical. I'm comical. I feel like I'm being played like a violin, by a professional who is laughing at the sounds I'm making. Or is at least, entertained by them, I hope. In an endearing way.

(sighs) .. I'd be more non-chalant about all this, had it not been for this pledge of mine to visualize Kiley and I having sex. Great, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, boot-quakin' sex obviously.

Well then, thats the way it is. I've fallen into her trap, I suppose. If that was her intention, then she was successful in springing it.

I find it amusing that I'm putting all this effort into visualizing Kiley and I together, but not myself and Georgina. I'm not sure why that is. I think a part of me isn't completely sure if my ex would be the right girl for me, the one that I'd be willing to devote my life towards. I have to be honest with myself, I really don't know the answer to that.

So, would leaving a paper flower on her lawn be.. something I should do?

My heart is saying yes, but there's an element of uncertainty somewhere that I can't pinpoint. I don't know why I'm not completely certain about all this. I think its the note, and that is where the doubt is coming from, as to what I should write on there, or if I should be leaving one at all. The flower itself feels right, so...

Anyways, its confusing.

Which is why I'm sitting by the fire, typing away. REO Speedwagon is on now. "I Want To Know What Love Is"

I am such a sentimental schmuck. I love being romantic and doing romantic things and making this paper flower and leaving it at her home suits my intentions perfectly.

But, if I were to wake up in the morning and if I was her and if I was walking outside of my front door to notice a flower like that on my lawn, with no note. What would I be thinking?

"Oh, that guy I dumped six months ago is at it again."

Would I be flattered? I'm going to stop typing for a second and think about it.

Yeah, I would be flattered.

Annoyed too, maybe. But flattered nonetheless.

Maybe thats the whole point of my making this flower, to simply flatter her. Chip away at her wall just a tiny bit and then go on my not-so merry way.

Maybe another idea like this will come to me down the line. But, lets be honest, the package did come to mind a while ago and its now gathering dust in my closet. What was the point of buying those gifts and wrapping it all up, only to not follow through?

Mm. I don't know. But like I said, that is what my heart told me to do. To not mail it. Prior intentions be damned.

Maybe.. Maybe my heart, my truth knows something that I don't. Maybe it adapts according to conditions that I cannot perceive or understand. Maybe it knows better than I do, about what is and isn't the right thing to do.

Maybe.

Funny how I'm still keeping doubt and skepticism in the equation of all this. I'm really trying not to mistake my intuition for impulsiveness, or ego. Really trying. As bananas as it all sounds.

Speaking of bananas, I took a chance and invited Kiley over to my place for our first meeting. Suggested I'd make her dinner as well. She hasn't responded yet (no surprise), but I'm going to trust my instinct on that one. I did spend almost a week of visualization and affirmations that I doubt it will all go to waste because of this one message I sent.

Got to trust myself. Even just a little bit. I trusted myself in describing how I would want to have sex with her, and she responded enthusiastically. I trusted myself to send her that shirtless picture of myself, and it worked too. So, despite how contrary these actions are to my normal way of being; I'm going to have to trust myself with inviting her over, as well.

We'll see what happens.

The experiment is almost over, tomorrow is the last day of it.

"Kiley and I are having the greatest sex of our lives together."

That's my mantra right now. Perfectly refined and as clear as can be. No ambiguity or loopholes there; aside from when and where such an act would be taking place.

Inevitably, it will.

"Love, Don't Keep Me Waiting" by Glen Hasgard.

I miss you Georgina.

You beautiful idiot.

I wonder if you feel the same.

Even just a little.

Guess we'll be finding out.

Back to the vodka I go.

Kiley and I

Well, not sure what is happening, but Kiley ignored my last two messages again and removed her profile from Tinder or blocked me from there, it seems.

That sucks.

What I posted yesterday was miserable. I wasn't happy with how I felt afterwards. And this visualization thing.. Well.. I don't know anymore. Maybe I was doing it all wrong and for the wrong reasons. I sent Kiley another text to see if she will respond, and if not, then I think thats it.

I'm really confused about the world right now. About myself. About.. everything. I don't know how to.. be the best person I can be, and.. I.. don't like having my faith compromised.

I really don't like it.

Because, it puts me in a helpless state. It tells me, "hey, no matter what you believe, its all random variables and luck, anyways."

It puts all the big questions to rest, essentially answering that none of it really matters if you can't get any tangible results from it. Philosophy can be tossed in the same barrel, since its speculation and not anything that can be applied to my life in any meaningful way. Or have any practical purpose other than to promote further speculation among the intelligentsia.

What then, does the point of life become? How then, should a person conduct themselves if there are no rules to follow other than that which society imposes? Why should morality really matter, apart from wanting to be in good graces? What good are values and principles, when those who circumvent such things, are often more successful and happier than others who stand by them?

I'm thinking now, that.. I don't know. I'm.. having to restructure the way I look at the world, and realize that for all my wishing and wanting; I need to take charge somehow.

Maybe faith does work, no, it does work, but.. if faith inspires confidence, then its not really faith that brings about all good things, is it? Wouldn't it be the confidence that faith develops that has more of a practical value in this world? But what is confidence? Its.. a trusting in yourself, in some ability. Its an attitude, whether it is rooted in self-deception or gross estimation; it is a way of being where you limit and curtail certain emotions/habits that could be destructive to whatever your desires and goals are.

Dog eat dog.. If I look at the world like that, then its basically a case of, "fuck everyone but me" and I don't want that. I want.. I want a better world than that.

I think everybody does.

But..

I don't know.

To succeed in a materialistic world, you have to be a materialist. And if you want to impress or achieve at anything, you have to operate with this thought in mind that everyone's status is defined by how efficient they are at extracting money from their environment. By hook, or by crook.

And not let naive ideas and spiritual beliefs get in the way of doing it.

... God, I've not fully succumbed to accepting these thoughts I'm writing down, but I can see it happening eventually.

Fuck everyone but me.

Kiley and I are having sex.. yeah, okay pal. I've got one more day left of doing this, so I'll honor the promise I've made to myself and carry through the rest of today thinking it. But, it doesn't look ..

Mm.. Not going to admit defeat just yet.

Should I really disregard my interest in all that is spiritual and philosophical and chalk them up to some idiotic fantasy and wish fulfillment? Because, the more I grow older, the more obvious it seems to be just that. Fantasy.

Fantasy.

If that is the case..

Then there is no wonder left in this world.

But.. I've had things happen to me.. Except with this post in mind, I will have to spend some time thinking about how legitimate all these things are. I'm going to have to.. examine them from every angle to try and dismiss/explain the "supernatural" elements that I once was certain to be associated with them.

Wouldn't it..

I don't know where I'm going with this. When I type, I just write without thinking, really. I engage on some kind of free-thinking where I'm not really thinking, and I'm thinking all at once. My fingers are obeying the path of least resistance and perhaps a pause would help in clarifying my thoughts.

...I want to believe in magic. Spirits. God, or Gods.

But... Its.. harder, now.

Maybe.. No. There is *something* that is ephemeral and mysterious in this world and in the cosmos. Its not ever going to be easily explained or understood, but it functions and has a purpose that involves and influences all that is around us.

People have been calling this "force" by many names, and have tried to explain it in many ways.

My thing is though, how.. How can I align myself in a way that is..

Beneficial? To both myself and to this force that I.. I am sure is out there.

A force that religions and mythologies have contradictory ideas about, unless you boil it down to the very basic essence of it being an intelligence that is pervasive throughout the universe.

But.. what does it want? What can it do? How can I utilize it? What is my obligation towards it?

I hate the idea of angels coming down to speak to one person, and then telling them to spread the word out to everyone else. Yes, maybe not everyone is able to hold an audience with divinity; but.. There are so many liars out there. So many who are simply mistaken, or deluded, or..

Whatever. That it is so hard to know what is true, and what is not.

And how a human being must truly be. And what our roles and purposes are on this planet.

Because, for all that we have written over the ages and believed in; there is no.. evidence that is convincing enough to satisfy everyone. But.. maybe.. maybe I'm overlooking something here.

As I said, I write without thinking, sometimes.. it just flows. And as I said a few posts ago, I have read and learned enough. Now I must look within myself to figure out what the big picture really is, instead of having it dictated to me.

But.. if this is really just a free-for-all, and that there is no.. reward for those who place faith in deities; then I don't know what to think. All I can do from here on out, is to become a humanist.

Not a Christian, Muslim, Jew or Mormon.. Just.. a lover of people. Someone who wants the world to be a better place, and is actively working towards making it happen. Even if its just a little bit. A small mark.

A dent in the system, is better than nothing.

I really I have to think about this some more. I thought I had a lot of faith, and even in crisis, I... seem to still do.

And thats something important to try and put my finger on. To understand and make the most of it. To have it steer me in the correct direction that I should be going.

Maybe.. You know, I've thought for a while that I have more faith in God than I do in myself and perhaps that is the problem right there.

I am my own God. I am responsible for my own happiness and my own luck and serendipitous outcomes and chance meetings and all such things.

Miracles. I create my own. Subconciously, or not.

 One thing I could use, and I think humanity could use it as well; is a role model. A person who has conducted themselves in righteousness and honor and has been rewarded by the world for it.

And perhaps also, even in the world beyond this one.

As spirits trapped upon this world of matter, we can believe one of two things. That all this is real, and that all this is fake.

By fake, I mean illusory. Sure, its real. But no more real than navigating a character in a video game that you are staring into the screen at. Engulfed in a reality with its own set of rules, much like our own.


There is no such thing as a game without rules. Everything has them. Boundaries, limits.

Except this world seems to have come without any instructions.

And thats the part that bothers me most. Because.. All the prophets of the past, all the psychics and thinkers today, are all claiming different things. So do physicists. The rules are nebulous and malleable it seems. Even gravity has been theorized to not work exactly as science assumed it to be. There is the issue of dark matter and dark energy. The possibility that we live in an electric universe. Or a multi-dimensional one. Or inside one universe of many.

So many conflicting ideas and explanations and theories and hypotheses.

What truly matters to the individual from all this?

Happiness, thats what matters. If we tie it to money, then we will be happy. Simple as that.

If we associate happiness with family; then we will be happy also, should we happen to have one.

Happiness is all that matters. Feeling pleased with yourself or pleasing others. Sometimes it involves both.

I think it comes down to there being only two types of people in this world. The givers and the takers. The selfless, and the selfish.

First, one must identify which of those two they are. And then conduct their lives in accord with their innate quality.

Hm. I'm blathering now. I have every right to be miserable and depressed and demoralized and sad.. but..

I'm more.. disappointed than anything.

Disappointed..

Oh, shit. Kiley messaged me.

I guess its not over yet.

(repeats mantras)

(sighs)

Look at me, scurrying back to having faith again. And wishful thinking. Although I was *this* close to accepting defeat, I haven't. And for that, I'm now breathing more easily. Feeling more secure.

Feeling more confident.

Feeling like I have reason to have faith again.

(sighs)

This life, man.

This life.

Hurts Enough To Laugh

Man, life I tell you. I'm..

Haha.. man.. (shakes head)

See, the situation I'm in right now would have driven the old me into pieces. But, I'm actually.. not happy, but amused. Very amused.

More so at myself than anything else, really. Well, except for life I suppose.

I can't even articulate exactly how or why I'm feeling like this, because it will take a lengthly explanation and I don't feel like going into the particulars. Just that I'm resisting the swing. The swing of the pendulum whereas I ordinarily would have succumbed to it.

Yeah, I'm going full on mystic mumbo-jumbo now and the Kybalion has left some deep marks in me.

I'm resisting, and I am laughing.

Smiling, inwardly to be precise.

I would think I'm practicing some form of masochism here. Making a bad situation almost appealing, preferable even. Just to see how comically tragic it can get.

Mm, part of the reason for this shift in mood was that I followed a link from a forum to a Facebook page, and out of curiosity decided to check the "recommended friends" list I had. I have no idea how Facebook managed it, but it suggested two of my exes. Lauren and Crystal.

Yeah, so I creeped their profiles. And guess what? Both are engaged to be married this year.

As internet parlance goes, "I ain't even mad, bro." or bruh, if I want to go full-on street with it.

I was ha.. Hm. Seeing Lauren's smiling face and her fiance next to her.. Well, I didn't expect to feel what I felt. I felt okay. I.. actually felt happy for her, in some weird macabre way. She fucked me over back when we were together, and she fucked me hard. And now that she's happy, with her second child and this decent looking guy marrying her; well.. kind of goes to show that karma doesn't really count for shit in this world it seems.

Mm, I didn't mean to imply any kind of frustration on my part, but its there. I acknowledge it. However deeply buried it may be.

That's just Lauren, by the way. Haven't gotten to Crystal, and same thing. She looked happy. With a nice looking older guy. They had a great picture together of him being tied up on the ground, with Crystal looming over him as if she hunted down a moose. Good for her. For them.

"I ain't even mad, bro."

Tanya "broke up" with me this morning.

Kiley hasn't responded to my last two messages and I'm feeling like an ass for sending them.

Crystal and Lauren are both getting married.

I'm almost 40 and still single.

Still haven't accomplished much with my life.

Still here, though.

Taking it all on the chin, like a man would be doing.

And shaking off the blows that are raining down on me.

Not easy to remain unbroken at this point.

Still, though. I'm resisting. I'm fighting. The battle is with myself, and the war is in the world around me. My exes. My wants. My desires. My needs. My destiny. Are all in the hands of the past and in the future.

But he who controls the present, controls the past.

And he who masters the present, can alter the future.

So.. yeah.. mystical mumbo-jumbo.

Hey.. I could be a lot worse. Except, I'm not. And that counts for something.

Maybe I really am a piece of shit that nobody wants, but at least I'm..

No.. I'm not a piece of shit. I'm just.. tormenting myself, really.

And people are sensitive to that. It changes the interactions I have with them. I'm not that good at hiding behind a mask.

Hm.

A good heart shines no matter how dark it can get. Not everyone can see it, but underneath the ashes, it still beats. It still is made of gold.

I'm disregarding modesty for a moment, and claiming my heart to be a good one. A tormented one to be sure, but a righteous, noble and peaceful heart nonetheless. Despite all that my past has haunted me with.

Who knows what destiny has in store for me, but I do feel like something is changing in this world. Minute by minute, I seem to be moving closer to whatever it is. There is.. this shifting, this.. movement that I can sense. Imperceptible in the way that a light brush of wind would be, should you not be paying explicit attention. But I am paying attention, and I do feel it.

I feel the wind upon my soul.

(busts out microphone)

"The future's in the air..."
"I can feel it everywhere..."
"Blowing with the wind of change"

Take me to the magic of the moment.

The only moment that matters.

Right now.

I am alive.

I am capable.

I am about to make myself worthy.

And no longer pitied.

I see the path to take, as I stand upon the fork in the road.

The branches of the trees, are blowing in one direction.

A direction I have not quite been able to see, up until now. And still can't really see...

A great unknown.

A darkness that I tried to ignore.

A love that lurks beyond the foliage is calling out to me.

Waiting for my arrival.

I hope I will get there someday.

And feel the shudder of her embrace, as I walk forward, with a great smile.

Into arms that has loved me all along.

Arms...

That I...

...

(weeps)

Who's Going To Tell You When...

So, last night Tanya replied to my message, suggesting we meet on Boxing Day as she's heading off to BC for the rest of the week.

My curiosity (and annoyance) over her ditching me on Saturday, prompted me to ask her why we couldn't have met on Saturday instead of having to wait yet another week to meet her.

Well, I got a response this morning, and she basically told me "maybe its not meant to be. Maybe I'm not your gal. Good luck in your search :)"

Women. (mutters under breath)

Just gives up rather than be honest and apologetic. I wrote back asking how is it that she knows that she's not my "gal" and for whatever reason, I gave her a link to "Drive" by The Cars, saying she reminded me of that song.

And I just sent Kiley a "g'morning Kiley" message along with a shirtless photo of myself. She seems enthusiastic about it. Giving me a "hot D!" message :)

Except she doesn't like the fact that I'm a smoker. Oh well. Nobody's perfect.

Hoo boy, Kiley is all excitedly messaging me now after I sent her that shirtless photo. Here it is for reference:

I remember feeling pretty good when I took that photo. Not the best angle or composition, but its decent enough.

Whoa, Kiley message incoming.. She's really militant about my quitting smoking. Says she can't stand it, and that she smoked for 15 years.

She's really sending out the texts all fast and furious now.. what a strange turn of events. That photo made her bananas apparently.

Sheesh. Women.

(mutters some more)

I should quit smoking, I suppose. I did quit for a year at one point, but took it up again.

Funny story about that, I remember exactly when and where I was when I decided to quit. I was at work, inside of a port-a-potty and just dumped out all my Bullseye Cherry flavored cigarettes into the toilet. And the reason for this? I made a deal with "God" that if I quit, he'd have to get me the woman of my dreams.

A year later, it didn't happen. And so, I started up again. Not really sure why, but it was probably out of spite. I felt as if the "bargain" I made wasn't being upheld. Silly me, expecting a miracle to happen.

But miracles can happen, I know this. Maybe "deals" can't be so easily made, but I was hoping something "out there" would have taken notice of my reasons for doing something that I have been doing for over 15 years by that point. Or 20, actually. Twenty years of smoking was no easy thing to get over and I figured the effort deserved a reward.

Quitting was its own reward, I guess.

Meh. If only it was so easy to strike a deal with God like that... But, I honestly believed/wanted to believe it was possible.

I don't know anymore. Again, I've tried so hard for so long, that very little seems to stick as far as negotiating with a higher power goes. Or maybe I'm just doing it all wrong. Maybe I am my own higher power.

Funny, as I was typing the above paragraph, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on over my headphones. Think my playlist is on shuffle, too. No, wait. Its the "radio" that Google Play is going off of from that "Drive" track.

*yawns* .. What a way to wake up this morning. To that message from Tanya, and then a deluge from Kiley.

Now, "Burning Heart" by Survivor is on. Great song.. sounds super familiar, as if it was in a Rocky film, but its not Eye of the Tiger.. Hmm. Wonder where I first heard this.

Dum de dum de dum.. Wonder what I'm going to be doing today. Not really sure, but I do have a few things here and there that has to be done.

Ah, life. Life life life. The greatest mystery. Why are we here? To live, obviously. But is there anything else besides survival? Are we obligated to achieve something? I'd think so. I think even the newly born child who passes away from SIDS has served a purpose of some kind, as confusing and strange it would be. We all serve our purposes. This is all.. an illusion.. a simulation.

Pretty darn sure of it actually. There's a reason why the Matrix resonated so strongly with people when it came out. Because it has an element of truth to it. People knew what was being communicated through the thick fog of their personal amnesia in regards to the big picture. I suppose the next question is, are we slaves or are we free?

I think the answer to that, is yes and no. I believe in something between free will and determinism.

I think the whole point of all this, is to experience. But.. to what end? Union with God? I could see that, but what is God? How can a mere mortal hope to relate to such a vastly superior intelligence, if not by experiencing all that the universe has to offer through multiple lifetimes?

Makes sense to me. If I designed the universe, and wanted to see my creations (children) come to me, then they would have to have earned the right and ability to be able to stand on equal footing. The slave becomes the master, or perhaps the master becomes the slave. Maybe there is no actual superiority or supremacy involved. Its just a matter of experience, and the wisdom that experience brings.

Mm, who knows.

Thats the sad part. Had there been a God, an omnipotent intelligence; then you would think it could communicate more directly with all of us. To remove the ambiguity of our existence. If such a being is non-linear as far as time goes; then it would be patient, because it would already know the outcome. Still, though. Is this an ant farm? Can an ant ever break free and explore outside of its prison cell?

Perhaps, perhaps not. But there's no denying that effort is respected either way.

Mm... "Amanda" by Boston is on now.. I remember this song when I put it on a mixed tape I made for Amanda Simpson, back when I was 18 or so. She was this Australian, older single mom that was head over heels with me, and wanted me to come visit her. At her expense. I couldn't do that, and so we drifted apart and she got married, etc.

Well.. a new day, means new things to do.

Guess I'll go do them.

Whatever they are.

The Broken Record

"Kiley and I are having great mind-blowing earth-shattering sex."

Mm, I didn't put in too much effort today in visualization/affirmations as far as Kiley went, but I gave it more lip service than I expected to, being how.. well, bummed out I was.

Just bummed out for no real reason I think. After I dropped Gyngie off in the morning, I went for a walk on Whyte Ave and picked up a few things here and there. A new ashtray and a bunch of books. Nothing too amazing. Three by T. Lobsang Rampa, one by Ken Wilber and a Bertrand Russel one.


I believe one's personal home library can reveal a lot about a person, and in my case, I have mostly spiritual/religious/philosophical/science fiction in it. There's a bunch of biographies too, a lot of Piers Anthony, Dean Koontz and Steven King. And various non-fiction things like, "Retired Racing Greyhound dogs for Dummies". Random, random stuff.

Had I been a kid growing up with myself, I would love the selection of books I've got. There's a little bit of something for everything. And this is partly why in the back of my mind, that I enjoy keeping a collection of books around. Because I have the faint hope that someday I will have a child growing up with me, and he/she will get to peruse what I have. The books that have defined me, might in turn, define someone else.

*sighs* I am on awkward texting terms with Tanya right now. Ever since she left off with "cool" as her last message yesterday; I just didn't bother writing her anything up until an hour ago where I sent her a picture of the jellyfish I got at the flea market.

And asked her how she was doing. She hasn't responded. Whether that means she is asleep or ignoring me, I have no idea.

It's not easy being a single mom of three kids, I'm sure. I can see how she wouldn't have much time for exploring a new relationship; but I have to remember how it was with Gina. Gina always made time for me whenever she could, and was willing to stay up late in the evening just to text/talk to me.

Can't say the same for Tanya, unfortunately. Maybe its that third child that is taking up more of her time, I don't know. Or her job.

I tried asking her what her schedule was, and couldn't get a straight answer. Tried asking what time she goes to sleep at, and the answer varies too. Sometimes she stays up all night. Sometimes she stays up really late, and sometimes she goes to bed before 11.

How can I.. interact with someone who.. I have no idea of what they are doing at the moment? It would really help if I knew that from 3pm-6pm she is available for whatever, and that we could go have coffee or something. Or that on Thursday her ex is taking the kids. Or that on Friday, she is getting a babysitter and will be free.

I'm not getting any of that. I can't invite her out to do anything if her schedule is all over the place. This relationship is basically in her hands at the moment, and we haven't even met yet. And she's ditched me twice already, actually three times if you'd count last Saturday where she decided hanging out with a friend and helping them clean the house is more important than making up for ditching me twice.

Mm. Thats why it was interesting this morning, when Gyngie asked me if I heard the doorbell rang. I was confused and said that I didn't, but she claimed that she heard it rang and that I went to answer it and.. neglected to inform me that she was actually talking about a dream she had, and that there was some girl with a knife asking where I was and I had to take the knife from her, etc.

It was such a strange story, that I immediately had Tanya pop into my head and went to peek outside to see if there was any footprints or tire tracks in the driveway. It was inconclusive, so I couldn't figure out if she was half-dreaming and did hear the bell ring, or if it was entirely a fabrication of her imagination.

"Kiley and I are having mindblowing sex."

Yeah, Kiley Kiley.. She hasn't messaged me today and I haven't either. Women, I tell you. I bet if I sent her a photo of my dick, she'd respond immediately with a winky emoticon and not much else. Not that I would do such a thing, but she does seem like the sort who expects/is used to this kind of stuff. Problem is, I'm really not a vulgar alpha-male, and somehow I think that is what she is secretly after. Although I'm not sure about that, even. Which is making our interaction more difficult and awkward than it needs to be.

Still though, the mantras are being repeated and I did write down that we are having sex and so sex will happen, eventually. Just have to be patient.

Can't say I put my best effort today into visualization, but something tells me that a woman's imagination and fear of rejection is going to get the better of her at some point. And I am still sort of the mysterious, younger man that she is interested in having sex with.

And will be having sex with.

Just got to twiddle my thumbs for now, I suppose. I'm not even feeling horny about the idea either, I just want to get it over with. Granted, I was pretty worked up at first, but this lack of communication on her part is making me ambivalent, almost. Had it not been for this experiment; I would've given up on her at this point I think. But I know that the mind is a powerful thing, and that the law of attraction does work to a certain extent, and that (small) miracles can happen; as long as I believe in them.

And its a reasonable wish of mine, for us to have sex. Which we will, by the way.

Heh. How many days of this do I have left..? Hmm. Its Monday, so three more to go. I should get into my closet and really lay the visualization on thick. At least for ten minutes, just so I can go to sleep with a clear sense of satisfaction at having put the "work" in.

Mm. I'm tired right now. Not a very eventful day. Didn't get a single message/call from anyone.

It was beautiful outside, too. I enjoyed the short walk I had on Whyte this morning, but Fat Franks was closed, so I couldn't get myself a delicious bacon/cheddar hot dog like I wanted to. Curses! I think they're closed on Mondays, so.. what a downer that was.

Funny, I've been playing with my stepdad's (ex) MacBook Pro which is a 2012 model with a 15.4" screen and an almost 1TB hard drive; and I actually prefer my 2009 13" model more than I do that one. Even though the darn trackpad doesn't depress anymore and I have to "tap" to click. Funny how that is. I'm so familiar and used to this tiny, lightweight laptop; that I'd rather give up extra processing power, hard drive space, an updated OS, RAM, stereo speakers and a better looking screen with more real estate. Because typing on my blog, occasionally burning mix cds and working on my novel; this little guy is still doing a fine job of it all.

One thing that I "learned" today as I flipped through the new books was that I "learned" enough. It was an odd realization to know that I have spent so much of my life absorbing information, that I haven't spent enough time in contemplation of it all. Its like I've been so busy collecting, that I forgot about having to assemble the puzzle and that I have a lot of duplicate pieces scattered about.

There is a puzzle to be assembled, of course. A puzzle that answers the questions I most wonder about. Is there a God? What is my relationship to him? What kind of "powers" do I have, on a metaphysical level? Can I really affect reality with my mind? Did Jesus exist exactly as he was written? How much of the Bible is true? The Koran? The Upanishads? How good of a philosophy is Buddhism actually is? Does Gnosticism make more sense, or should some kind of integrated individual belief system be constructed instead?

Are there aliens out there? If so, what is their purpose? Why are they here? What are they? Was there an Atlantis? Did Edgar Cayce really have his powers? Is there even such a thing as psychic ability? Did Nostradamus really foretell the future, or was he just insane?

Is reincarnation real? Why do I feel a certain "link" to a deceased celebrity and why do I have faint memories of being that person? Are they actually memories? Or just my ego?

What is my destiny? How can I become a better person? What principles should I live my life by? How can I find happiness in within, rather than from outside myself; even though I know that my happiness depends on relationships? How can I learn to love myself? How can I be more productive and feel more fulfilled?

How do I stop procrasinating so much? Why is it that I'm still compelled to write in this blog every couple of days since Gina broke up with me? Why am I thinking that all this is so important, when more important things have happened to me in my life that I did not discuss on this blog? Why is writing all this down now, more important than before?

What is my purpose in life? What can I do to make it better? To make other people's lives better? How can I entertain and educate them as well as myself? How can I earn a living doing what I love, and how do I go about finding out how to monetize what I love doing; without feeling guilty about being paid for it?

How can I live in a world like this, and still retain hope, faith and trust in other people? How can I trust myself? How can I open my heart up to love another human being, when it seems that they are incapable of doing the same? Why would I want to give selflessly, when I am receiving little or nothing in return? What fills my reservoir? What replenishes my soul?

How can.. How can ..

(sighs)

How can.. boy am I stumbling here.. I know I have more questions, but this next one just doesn't want to come out. It's a painful one, and I think it would be easier to just leave it alone. I don't have to write down every darn thing that I wonder about. Or has happened to me.

There's no reason for me to expose myself completely to a blog, if I don't feel any better for doing it.

Mm. Despite my uncertainty right now, I think this is go-time. This is where faith has to kick in when I need it most. So how does one restore and express faith?

Prayer? Hm. Meditation. Double Hm. Visualization? Mm, hmms.

All these things help, for sure.

But they require desire. Action. Habit.

There is a mental block inside of me that is.. weary of being proactive about taking charge of my life. I've struggled for so long and have suffered so much; that I would appreciate having good things happen to me that doesn't require much effort in getting. If any.

Basically, I'd prefer to sit around and wish that I'd win the lottery of self-fulfillment than to actually go and make things happen.

Let me tell you, video games, movies and television are the worst. They are so distracting. So.. soul-sucking, that I consciously am aware of having "dodged" the necessity of my being introspective and learning to live in the moment of the reality I am in. No matter how boring and uneventful it may seem. All these distractions are taking me away from whats really important. The boredom, and what I have to do about it.

Or how loveless life seems to be. How unhappy I truly am for the way my life has turned out. Good intentions, or not.

Mm. Big questions demand big answers, but they really need only to be short concise ones.

And I have an inkling of what it is that the answers are, but.. that requires trust in myself to accept them. I just have too much uncertainty about what is, and what isn't false, in this mysterious world we live in. And maybe I shouldn't be thinking about it so much, or worrying.

But I am, and I do.

And.. yeah.. I am waiting for the miracle.

And I still think of my ex. And my father, who has got to be disappointed with me if he has followed the last few months of my everyday existence, I'm sure.

Please forgive me dad, if you are watching. You know that I have a good heart and an innocent soul that doesn't wish to be trampled upon or scorned for being "different" than what is expected and construed as being "normal" in this fucked up, cynical, materialistic world we live in.

Yeah, I'm cynical too. The soul of humanity is in pain at the moment, and it is painful to witness the death of imagination and spirit and innocence.

And love..

When was the last time anybody heard a newly-released love song on the radio? I'm talking something like Whitney Houston's cover of that Dolly Parton song; or a song like "Love Hurts" by Nazareth, or any Roy Orbison song? Could a Roy Orbison survive in today's entertainment industry? Would he have to be on Twitter? YouTube? Facebook? Getting followers and constantly touring and marketing himself and crafting an image and hustling?

Fuck, no. Whatever happened to being rewarded justly, for artistic expression? Why should it have to be such a struggle nowadays to put out great art and not.. hustle and compromise the integrity of your character/beliefs to do it?

I'm not saying that doesn't exist anymore; Glen Hasgard/Ray Lamontagne both come to mind -- but, these kind of men are getting fewer and fewer. And very few people are even aware of them. I don't think I've heard any of their songs on mainstream radio.

Mm, what a life.

Good thing Kiley and I are fucking.

Three more days to go.

And I can stop being a broken record.

Green Grass & High Tides

("Kiley and I are still having great fantastic mindblowing sex")

So, yesterday... some of my troubles were a bit farrr awayy, as I picked up Gyngie and brought her over to my place. We got pretty drunk on tequila shots and rum with 47% alcohol. Had an intense discussion about her issues and some of mine, and basically passed out while watching the new Godzilla film. "That's not Godzilla!" "It is Godzilla!" Zzzzz...

I'm confused about Tanya. Supposedly we were supposed to be doing breakfast this morning, but I haven't heard a peep or a squeak from her about it. The last thing I got was a text saying, "cool" when I sent her a picture of me at the flea market. I had nothing to respond with. Sure, I could've said, "you're darn right its cool" but.. pfft. If you're going to respond with one word and not follow it up with anything, then you shouldn't be expecting a reply. This also goes for people who send a "LOL" and nothing else. I get it, you don't want a conversation.

And Kiley was ignoring my messages yesterday, until I sent her one describing what I would do to her in bed. Here is what that text looked like:

"Oh, and as for how I imagined you"
"In my bed, on your knees with your black lingerie pulled down and me giving it to you from behind."

Then she responds with, "David, I love your imagination"

I wrote back several hours later, "I love it too" and included a cheeky smiley face emoticon.

What a weirdo she is. What a weirdo I am, I guess. What a weirdo Gyngie and Tanya and everyone  else is, including my mom and stepdad.

At the flea market yesterday, I gave Trina the psychic a gift for Christmas. It was a handmade mailbox, probably painted by Amish/Hutterite people; and it was an awkward experience. As I gave it to her, her shop was crowded with people and her gift-opening moment kept getting interrupted by a couple of rude/clueless patrons. "How much is this?" some guy asks, referring to her Himalayan salt pyramid lamps. "I feel really relaxed, is it just me?" this same guy blurts out. To no one in particular. And then this other young gothy girl was in there, commenting on how nice the mailbox was and then stealing away the "limelight" from myself and Trina by talking about how Trina was dressed. "Thats a lot of purple" and Trina telling her how "dark" she made her felt.

It was a surreal, disappointing experience. I asked Trina what my name was, "Is it Mark?" and I was bummed. I was given a hug on sight, which was great, but her forgetting my name for the second time, is pretty lame. Especially coming from a flea market psychic who is supposed to somehow "know" these things.

I felt like I entered some kind of feeding frenzy in her shop, with all those people in there demanding her attention. I felt small, and insignificant. I picked up this cool looking jellyfish suspended in glass (glows in the dark!) for 20 bucks, and Trina gave me five bucks back. So at least I got something interesting out of it all, because the rest of the flea market sucked. I couldn't focus on any of the items there. It was too.. Or maybe I was too off-kilter from after seeing Trina, that I wasn't able to hunt down interesting little things like I normally do.

I don't know what I expected in doing this. I thought we would have a one on one conversation that lasts for more than a minute, uninterrupted, and that just didn't happen. Went in, dropped off the gift, got a hug, thank you, the jellyfish, and left.

*yawns* Its Monday morning and Gyngie is sleeping on the couch downstairs, with the patio door open. I can't believe how warm it is outside now. From -28c to +3c in just over 24 hours. Unbelievable. The world is ending/global warming is real/etc.


It was also awkward being with my mom/stepdad yesterday. When I mentioned going to see Gyngie later, they both started bashing her for being fat and that she "wants" something from me/is using me.

"She can't look at herself in the mirror! She's a beached whale!" was one of the things my stepdad said. My mom kept giving me the, "its good to have friends" speech and "don't let her take advantage of you" speech, both of which made me want to get the fuck out of that place as soon as I could.

They are really both negative people, I have to say. Even if my mother has this image of her being a sweet little old lady; I can tell you that is not the case. They're negative. They're racist. And where my stepdad openly insults and flaunts his negativity/ignorance; my mom keeps it toned down, and I think she secretly gets pleasure from my stepdad going off on his rants.

They say that generosity has a correlation to guilt; and I got a ton of stuff just for coming over yesterday. Including my stepdad's old MacBook. Yeah.. That was really nice of him, and appreciated, but.. they could've at least wrapped it up and given it to me for Christmas. I don't get how it was put inside of a plastic bag and handed over like it was some unwanted trash they needed to get rid of.

Mom gave me a bunch of food to take home. And money.. which I hate getting, because I feel like loser whenever I get it. But I know better not to argue with her, because I can't ever "win" these arguments. I've grown tired of getting angry with her for giving me money that I don't need. I don't want her money. She should be saving for her retirement/old age and..

I just don't want it.

And.. my mother should be giving me the things that I want most. Respect. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Love. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'm getting much of any of those things from her.

Sometimes I wonder, if my mom has some psychopathic tendencies in her. She sometimes just seems to fake being a positive person to the point where everyone believes her. Or maybe she really is a positive person who also happens to be racist/is against fat people/etc.

I don't know, and.. I probably never really will know what is going inside of that mind of hers.

Man...

I don't feel like there's much else for me to be writing about in here. Just blabbing again, as usual.

("Kiley and I are having the best sex of our lives")

Four more days of that to go.

(sighs)