Wow, blog. Wow.
Strange times we're living in with marijuana about to become legalized here in Canada. I am excited and nervous and...
Something else.
Yesterday was... strange. Really strange. Finally got my code in the mail to register myself with a Canada Service account so I can file for unemployment, and I was shocked at what I saw when I clicked my TFSA contribution room.
$57,500.
This surprised the heck out of me because I used to have a TFSA but it wasn't ever used, and earlier in the year I checked with Scotiabank to see if I could begin trading in it, and they said it didn't exist.
So with a heavy heart, I went to TD to apply for a new TFSA so I can invest in weed stocks. It was approved and I resigned myself to thinking my max was $5,500 for the year.
Yesterday disproved that in a big big way.
I immediately knew that I had to move my shares to the TFSA. I had about $23,0000 invested. Some of it using my line of credit.
Logging onto EasyWeb and moving them over; I saw a pop-up on the screen.
I was stunned, again, for the second time that evening.
They offered me a line of credit worth $40,000. It took me less than ten minutes to have it go through and be given access to it.
I was... shocked... so shocked at how easy it was. How... it just popped up on my screen like that.
And the timing with the TFSA... well... I had to take 32k out and put it in there. Had to. I decided I will be paying it back before the month is up. My goal is to make 30% by October 10th.
I pray to God that I can realize this.
It is such a scary market to be in. Two of my stocks went up 32% and 21% today. I'm ahead only by about... six thousand I think. I'm still behind with HVST, which I bought for 1.60 earlier this year and is the stock that went up 32%. TGIF is the other one with a 21% return. I didn't invest much (1.5k) and wish I did more.
... then... there was this huge dip early in the day that caused some people to panic. The prices dropped, and silly me bought a few shares at higher than the close of the day minutes before this all happened. But thankfully, I am only down by a few hundred dollars after the smoke had all cleared.
...So scary.. so... exciting, that these are the times I live in. Witnessing the birth of the internet, the mobile phone and now the legalization of marijuana; I can't believe the opportunities I passed up on in the past. Like Bitcoin.. or the 2008 banking crisis where I did own a small amount of Bank of America shares, but sold them much too early and made only a few hundred dollars.
No more. This time will be different.
I am scared... This is not the wisest move to be making, to be borrowing against credit. But... I am also a believer. I believe this is a historic moment. These days will be talked about for years down the road once the Americans and the World legalizes it also.
I will be telling my grandchildren about these times.
Assuming I end up having any.
Fola... such a... mixed bag. Some days she's distant, other days she's incredibly loving and giving.
Yesterday, she was loving and giving. Today I got a text telling me how much in love with me she is. I felt uncomfortable. I love her, but... her emotions have these serious peaks and valleys that don't mirror my own sentiments towards her.
(sighs)
Other things today... felt compelled to go into the local thrift shop and one of the first books I saw, was "investing for dummies" which made me smile inside. There were also numbers I'd come across at the bank. 1,100 and 1,444.44. Saw the 44 stuff twice, for some reason.
I realize that this makes me appear superstitious. I'm not. Well... not as much as Fola is.
I realize... these things all happening are part of some larger plan... I don't know what that is yet. I am... on a precipice of some kind. I still feel dizzy from how the markets were today and I feel that... there's a choice looming on the horizon.
I can achieve my dreams, or let them fall by the wayside.
I am not speaking of writing, just yet. That can wait. Right now, I would like to realize financial freedom. Not having any debt, is a worthy goal to strive towards.
And I have debt that I've been carrying around for years.
No more. This is all or nothing, now. Otherwise I will continue to spend many years trying to pay off what I currently owe. Money that did not to me feel like was poorly spent. I had to buy a car when my last one failed. I needed to buy tires. Brakes. And certain other expenses.
I don't want to spend years having to pay off debt that I've been carrying for many years already.
Forget about finding work in my field. There is nothing out there right now for the foreseeable future. The stock markets are all I have as far as making money goes.
It's scary to confess.
But, somehow...
It is beautiful and magical, as well.
I can't possibly do justice with my words. I struggle to understand why I am feeling the way I am today. Having this kind of fearful, excited anticipation that feels like a persistent headache.
It feels like, Fola texted, an expansion of consciousness. Both in the collective and in the individual sphere.
Things are happening. Things that are new and different. Potential being unmasked, Opportunities laying themselves at my feet.
I feel that I need to let go of the fear I had been having, and to take a leap into the great unknown.
A leap of faith.
I still believe... I've seen things. I can't explain some of the things that happened to me. The timing of them... the reasons....
But, I also confess myself to be a small bit cynical about all this,
I would like to let that go if I can.
I would like to be able to be happy. And secure. And looking forward to the future.
And I can be.
But I must believe it to be possible.
I took a huge gamble today. There is no contingency plan other than bankruptcy for me.
But...
I believe.
I am ready for good things.
Aphria, Charlotte's Web, CannTrust and Aurora.
You will be my knights in this adventure I am on.
I... am so...
Last night after the shock wore off with the TFSA and the line of credit being offered, I had to run out of the house in pajamas to find a quiet place to think.
I... felt so grateful for this opportunity. I... wanted to find time to express it.
But... I wasn't as grateful as I'd like to be.
I suppose that's my cynicism creeping in.
I will believe once I see the numbers rise.
I will believe when I get 30% on my investments by October 10th.
And then...
Then....
The world changes.
And I will change along with it.
Thank you God.
Thank you blog.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity, so that I may benefit my life as well as the lives of others.
Let this be the new beginning to a wonderful and exciting future.
We're all in this together.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Wednesday, September 05, 2018
Forth.
There is so much wrong with that woman, that girl, that I could write something new almost every day to put into the blog, but I won't. It's too exhausting to keep up. Too... pointless, sometimes, it feels.
But I know it is not pointless.
My relationship with her means something. Something important. But... I am wondering... I don't have all the pieces of the puzzle it seems, but I am wondering if it is nothing more than a test.
A test... Because... After meeting her over a year and a half ago, I have changed. I... can't honestly say it has been for the better, either. My writing has gone stagnant, my blog isn't nearly as updated. I am not as optimistic as I once was. I do not "treasure" the time that Fola and I spend together except to cling to the thread of hope that somehow things will be different and that...
...That she somehow actually does love me. Even if her actions do not appear to reflect my conception of what love is supposed to look like.
My pardon, dear blog, I am distracted at the moment by watching an episode of Preacher, season 2. It's the scene where Herr Starr begins training and just shot the final candidate and is now being briefed on the agenda of the "Grail", this secret cult about keeping the bloodline of Jesus alive. Weird stuff, but compelling, even if the rest of the show pales in comparison to the comics.
He's just gotten his uniform...
Anyways... Sorry. I should be taking the issue more seriously with Fola, but I... am.. weakened and careless. Holding onto this thin thread of hope that everything will work out the way they need to, and that illumination will somehow strike me upon the hour on when it is most needing to be deployed.
I await that hour. Until then, I cannot bring myself to break up with her.
I have tried before... many times. In many ways... being "abusive" with my words, and still, still she would not leave.
And still... Still I have not left, either. Forgiving her multiple times for sins and behaviors that I find despicable and not indicative of a pure and wholesome heart.
Which is not what I expect of her, but rather, a kernel, a seed to grow such feelings from.
And maybe this is what I hold onto. The hope.
Hoping for her salvation.
Because... baby steps have been taken since we met. Each argument, each fight brings us closer to understanding one another. She appears to be working off of a script. I have to tell her whenever I am displeased, because if I don't, she then asks, and I seem to always feel compelled to answer.
Although that may not actually be the wisest thing for me to be doing. Yet, it is what I must strive towards. Honesty.
Today... ugh... Had to help her move stuff out of her old house. She didn't ask me for help, but automatically assumed I would. The week previous, she got all upset that I wasn't doing enough to help. Despite my having helped her once already, and despite my saying that I would help again. If she would ASK me for that help and then provide a time and date to go and help her.
And yet... that argument...
There aren't any words, really.
She is... difficult. To negotiate with. To reason with. To barter and talk sense into.
And yet... a little while later, she tends to agree. And then thinks it was her idea.
So today.. I felt like such a chump cleaning her place up. Didn't feel appreciated. Felt like a slave. A fool. Earlier in the day she complained about how "devalued" she felt, and...
fuck... man.
Fuck.
She is... guilt-tripping me. Making me into her servant. Doing her bidding.
I was moving some stuff out from the house and into the garage when I saw the neighbor next door walk into his home. I nodded at him and said hello. He looked me in the eye and didn't respond.
I felt like such a chump. Such a usurper.
She showed me some calendar that her husband Larry and her put together for their engagement. A bunch of pictures of them kissing.
Got to say, they looked pretty happy. Even if the pictures lacked variety.
She said she didn't want to look at it. Said she was going to throw it out.
And I got upset at the things she was throwing out from her house.
It reminded me of how my mom threw out a working fax machine of mine many years ago when she got in the mood of cleaning out her basement. She threw out a guitar of mine, too. Furniture, also.
And for someone like myself who appreciates second-hand and frequents thrift shops; I felt disgusted by such waste and called Fola out on it. She admitted that my point of view was valid, but went into this spiel about how she wants to get rid of all the "old energy" or whatever delusional excuse she had for not recycling or donating items to people that would be happy to have them.
My mood went down when I saw what she was throwing out.
It was already bad enough being there and feeling like in a partial coma. Being made into a bitch. Unappreciated for the effort I was making. Hated the part where she said I could vacuum her filthy carpet upstairs.
Her husband did absolutely nothing with helping to clean the house. I suppose that is understandable, but why am I a part of this?
Fola guilt-tripped me before on this. Said that if I expect her to move in, that I should help make things easier for her to do so.
Yeah... I feel like such a bitch.
Maybe... I am one.
I am a bitch.
I don't even feel like having sex with her anymore. Too much of a hassle. There's no... emotion behind it lately. Feel like I have to beg for it. No anticipation. She'll say things like, "I'm looking into lingerie..." and it's been months since.
Just endless teasing.
And her personality... fuck... this... girl is a lot like a guy.
The attributes are there. I remember her laughing about some snapchat or photo-editing app that painted a mustache onto her. She looked so much like a dude that it made me queasy watching her act all jubilant about it.
And... the hair on her body.. her chin...
That chick is raging with testosterone. Not the soft-spoken, shy, warm and compassionate and considerate lady I have dreamed of.
Though, part of her dark side appeals to me, to be honest. Yet... even that is losing it's lustre the more irrational she becomes. The more careless and entitled she gets.
The more evident it becomes as to how clueless and lacking in self-awareness she is.
And yet...
I'm still holding on.
A few days ago she texted me about how I am her future hubby. Then....
Ugh.
I asked her to say these words in person. I'm tired of how different she seems over text vs how she is in real life. Can't really believe those words. Her actions often contradict them.
Or maybe she does not have the capacity for love that I have for myself.
I... would be slightly embarassed to be asking the woman I love to help me clean my home and move things out. I sure wouldn't guilt-trip her about it.
I'd be honest. "please help me with my house. I am stressed about it and could use your help."
Instead, she wants me to read her mind. She is much too prideful to lower herself down.
I am tired of it.
Begging for sex. Begging for attention.
She was taking a nap earlier today before she goes out to work night shift. I get in bed with her and she's like, "why are you in here?" like I intruded. In my OWN bed.
Said I wanted to stay here for a bit. She appears annoyed. Moves away from me.
Finally I get the hint and get up to leave. She then notices this change in me. Says she wants me to come back and cuddle.
Which she didn't want to do while I was in bed with her.
Fuck man.. and like a fool, I did.
I'm...
God help me.
This isn't love to me.
Earlier today she was talking about dreams she's had. Mentioned dreaming about her having sex with her parents.
Uhm. Excuse me? Sex with your parents, I asked.
Yes. But it's okay... she thinks of these things as metaphors for masculine and feminine energies. Yes, this includes both her mother and father.
Sex. Her dream involved her father finger-banging her. But apparently she didn't enjoy it, she says.
That's not what I want from the girl I've hoped to spend the rest of my life with. This damaged creature.
To be fair, I am damaged also, and I think this is why I am so hesitant to up and leave for the 9th time or however many it has been.
I have.. not felt as close to anyone before as I have been with her.
And.. despite all this time together, I still feel like I don't know her and that she doesn't know me. Not enough in the ways that matter.
I still think she is this wild child. This "strong" independent woman who wants to be overpowered by another guy.
I don't want to overpower her. I have done this and I am tired of it.
She asked me once if I thought of us as "equals" and I almost choked on coming up with a response. I had to ask for clarification. Equal, how? Because nobody is truly equal. Equal in terms of being deserving of respect? Sure. Equal in terms of emotional intelligence and self-awareness? No. Not equal by a long shot.
This girl is breaking me down slowly but surely.
I once said in my blog to never give my life up for a woman.
And yet it seems like I have.
Unless... unless...
It's... for the time being.
Because something is happening. This relationship happened and things have happened that are uncommon and mysterious and odd and weird.
I truly feel that there is a purpose here. But I don't know if asserting myself and fighting for what I deserve, is really what I want to be doing the rest of my life with her.
She hasn't baked me blueberry scones in over a year, I don't think.
She knows how much I liked them. She knows that it makes me happy to have them.
She knows what makes me happy.
And yet she doesn't put in the effort.
And, so. Neither do I.
And as clueless as she is, she constantly looks elsewhere for reasons other than me, when it comes to the happiness of this relationship.
The stars and planets are in a certain formation.
She did some kind of "meditation" that enabled a magical night between us.
Just excuses... I choked her during sex once and she had this crazy episode of some endless orgasm happening. Didn't credit me, instead, she was like "I don't know but maybe its this or this or this"
Such...
Cluelessness.
I won't take all the credit for those magical moments we've shared, but I do think I created the majority of them.
I can't be bothered to list them all here. Not right now.
And no matter how many times I explain certain things to her. Like, her making me happy or inspiring me to make her happy; she still doesn't seem to get it.
She gets some of it. But not all.
And worse, it feels so scripted. Like she honestly has no idea of how to be a loving and compassionate human being.
This is the girl that wants to dedicate her life to "helping" people when she can't even help herself become more loving and wise and kind and sensible and devout.
I don't trust that woman. For many reasons. Some of which is in my blog.
What a negative post. I don't like saying these things. But I have to be honest. I am truly bothered by all this. I'd like a solution. I don't want to be conditioned to become this vacant and obedient shell of a man.
Obliging her every whim. Not having many of mine realized.
Yeah, no.
I am better than that.
And.. ugh...
She thinks so too. No matter what I do for her, she truly thinks she deserves everything for nothing. Or for very little.
It's sad... It's shameful...
And... God, I could really use your help with all this.
Show me the way.
Show me what I must be doing.
Help me do these things.
I am ... I have said many times before that I am your instrument.
And perhaps I still am, but am not wise enough to see the end game of all this yet.
Perhaps this is still being played out and I am achieving your will.
I know you are out there. You do listen to me.
There is a path that I am walking which is in accord with your direction.
A path that I may have structured for myself prior to this life.
Lessons to be learned.
And lessons to be taught.
I don't know...
But, I really would like to.
Thank you God.
For being with me.
I am your humble servant.
I serve the greater good.
Even when I feel contempt and cynicism, I still hold that desire for you. And for myself.
I...
Am lost and confused.
I would like for you to show me a way out of this.
Or at least... show that girl what it is she is meant to know.
And myself.
As painful or as beautiful as it may be.
Help us evolve.
Let us grow closer to you.
Not further apart.
Teach me.
Help me to help her.
Thanks.
But I know it is not pointless.
My relationship with her means something. Something important. But... I am wondering... I don't have all the pieces of the puzzle it seems, but I am wondering if it is nothing more than a test.
A test... Because... After meeting her over a year and a half ago, I have changed. I... can't honestly say it has been for the better, either. My writing has gone stagnant, my blog isn't nearly as updated. I am not as optimistic as I once was. I do not "treasure" the time that Fola and I spend together except to cling to the thread of hope that somehow things will be different and that...
...That she somehow actually does love me. Even if her actions do not appear to reflect my conception of what love is supposed to look like.
My pardon, dear blog, I am distracted at the moment by watching an episode of Preacher, season 2. It's the scene where Herr Starr begins training and just shot the final candidate and is now being briefed on the agenda of the "Grail", this secret cult about keeping the bloodline of Jesus alive. Weird stuff, but compelling, even if the rest of the show pales in comparison to the comics.
He's just gotten his uniform...
Anyways... Sorry. I should be taking the issue more seriously with Fola, but I... am.. weakened and careless. Holding onto this thin thread of hope that everything will work out the way they need to, and that illumination will somehow strike me upon the hour on when it is most needing to be deployed.
I await that hour. Until then, I cannot bring myself to break up with her.
I have tried before... many times. In many ways... being "abusive" with my words, and still, still she would not leave.
And still... Still I have not left, either. Forgiving her multiple times for sins and behaviors that I find despicable and not indicative of a pure and wholesome heart.
Which is not what I expect of her, but rather, a kernel, a seed to grow such feelings from.
And maybe this is what I hold onto. The hope.
Hoping for her salvation.
Because... baby steps have been taken since we met. Each argument, each fight brings us closer to understanding one another. She appears to be working off of a script. I have to tell her whenever I am displeased, because if I don't, she then asks, and I seem to always feel compelled to answer.
Although that may not actually be the wisest thing for me to be doing. Yet, it is what I must strive towards. Honesty.
Today... ugh... Had to help her move stuff out of her old house. She didn't ask me for help, but automatically assumed I would. The week previous, she got all upset that I wasn't doing enough to help. Despite my having helped her once already, and despite my saying that I would help again. If she would ASK me for that help and then provide a time and date to go and help her.
And yet... that argument...
There aren't any words, really.
She is... difficult. To negotiate with. To reason with. To barter and talk sense into.
And yet... a little while later, she tends to agree. And then thinks it was her idea.
So today.. I felt like such a chump cleaning her place up. Didn't feel appreciated. Felt like a slave. A fool. Earlier in the day she complained about how "devalued" she felt, and...
fuck... man.
Fuck.
She is... guilt-tripping me. Making me into her servant. Doing her bidding.
I was moving some stuff out from the house and into the garage when I saw the neighbor next door walk into his home. I nodded at him and said hello. He looked me in the eye and didn't respond.
I felt like such a chump. Such a usurper.
She showed me some calendar that her husband Larry and her put together for their engagement. A bunch of pictures of them kissing.
Got to say, they looked pretty happy. Even if the pictures lacked variety.
She said she didn't want to look at it. Said she was going to throw it out.
And I got upset at the things she was throwing out from her house.
It reminded me of how my mom threw out a working fax machine of mine many years ago when she got in the mood of cleaning out her basement. She threw out a guitar of mine, too. Furniture, also.
And for someone like myself who appreciates second-hand and frequents thrift shops; I felt disgusted by such waste and called Fola out on it. She admitted that my point of view was valid, but went into this spiel about how she wants to get rid of all the "old energy" or whatever delusional excuse she had for not recycling or donating items to people that would be happy to have them.
My mood went down when I saw what she was throwing out.
It was already bad enough being there and feeling like in a partial coma. Being made into a bitch. Unappreciated for the effort I was making. Hated the part where she said I could vacuum her filthy carpet upstairs.
Her husband did absolutely nothing with helping to clean the house. I suppose that is understandable, but why am I a part of this?
Fola guilt-tripped me before on this. Said that if I expect her to move in, that I should help make things easier for her to do so.
Yeah... I feel like such a bitch.
Maybe... I am one.
I am a bitch.
I don't even feel like having sex with her anymore. Too much of a hassle. There's no... emotion behind it lately. Feel like I have to beg for it. No anticipation. She'll say things like, "I'm looking into lingerie..." and it's been months since.
Just endless teasing.
And her personality... fuck... this... girl is a lot like a guy.
The attributes are there. I remember her laughing about some snapchat or photo-editing app that painted a mustache onto her. She looked so much like a dude that it made me queasy watching her act all jubilant about it.
And... the hair on her body.. her chin...
That chick is raging with testosterone. Not the soft-spoken, shy, warm and compassionate and considerate lady I have dreamed of.
Though, part of her dark side appeals to me, to be honest. Yet... even that is losing it's lustre the more irrational she becomes. The more careless and entitled she gets.
The more evident it becomes as to how clueless and lacking in self-awareness she is.
And yet...
I'm still holding on.
A few days ago she texted me about how I am her future hubby. Then....
Ugh.
I asked her to say these words in person. I'm tired of how different she seems over text vs how she is in real life. Can't really believe those words. Her actions often contradict them.
Or maybe she does not have the capacity for love that I have for myself.
I... would be slightly embarassed to be asking the woman I love to help me clean my home and move things out. I sure wouldn't guilt-trip her about it.
I'd be honest. "please help me with my house. I am stressed about it and could use your help."
Instead, she wants me to read her mind. She is much too prideful to lower herself down.
I am tired of it.
Begging for sex. Begging for attention.
She was taking a nap earlier today before she goes out to work night shift. I get in bed with her and she's like, "why are you in here?" like I intruded. In my OWN bed.
Said I wanted to stay here for a bit. She appears annoyed. Moves away from me.
Finally I get the hint and get up to leave. She then notices this change in me. Says she wants me to come back and cuddle.
Which she didn't want to do while I was in bed with her.
Fuck man.. and like a fool, I did.
I'm...
God help me.
This isn't love to me.
Earlier today she was talking about dreams she's had. Mentioned dreaming about her having sex with her parents.
Uhm. Excuse me? Sex with your parents, I asked.
Yes. But it's okay... she thinks of these things as metaphors for masculine and feminine energies. Yes, this includes both her mother and father.
Sex. Her dream involved her father finger-banging her. But apparently she didn't enjoy it, she says.
That's not what I want from the girl I've hoped to spend the rest of my life with. This damaged creature.
To be fair, I am damaged also, and I think this is why I am so hesitant to up and leave for the 9th time or however many it has been.
I have.. not felt as close to anyone before as I have been with her.
And.. despite all this time together, I still feel like I don't know her and that she doesn't know me. Not enough in the ways that matter.
I still think she is this wild child. This "strong" independent woman who wants to be overpowered by another guy.
I don't want to overpower her. I have done this and I am tired of it.
She asked me once if I thought of us as "equals" and I almost choked on coming up with a response. I had to ask for clarification. Equal, how? Because nobody is truly equal. Equal in terms of being deserving of respect? Sure. Equal in terms of emotional intelligence and self-awareness? No. Not equal by a long shot.
This girl is breaking me down slowly but surely.
I once said in my blog to never give my life up for a woman.
And yet it seems like I have.
Unless... unless...
It's... for the time being.
Because something is happening. This relationship happened and things have happened that are uncommon and mysterious and odd and weird.
I truly feel that there is a purpose here. But I don't know if asserting myself and fighting for what I deserve, is really what I want to be doing the rest of my life with her.
She hasn't baked me blueberry scones in over a year, I don't think.
She knows how much I liked them. She knows that it makes me happy to have them.
She knows what makes me happy.
And yet she doesn't put in the effort.
And, so. Neither do I.
And as clueless as she is, she constantly looks elsewhere for reasons other than me, when it comes to the happiness of this relationship.
The stars and planets are in a certain formation.
She did some kind of "meditation" that enabled a magical night between us.
Just excuses... I choked her during sex once and she had this crazy episode of some endless orgasm happening. Didn't credit me, instead, she was like "I don't know but maybe its this or this or this"
Such...
Cluelessness.
I won't take all the credit for those magical moments we've shared, but I do think I created the majority of them.
I can't be bothered to list them all here. Not right now.
And no matter how many times I explain certain things to her. Like, her making me happy or inspiring me to make her happy; she still doesn't seem to get it.
She gets some of it. But not all.
And worse, it feels so scripted. Like she honestly has no idea of how to be a loving and compassionate human being.
This is the girl that wants to dedicate her life to "helping" people when she can't even help herself become more loving and wise and kind and sensible and devout.
I don't trust that woman. For many reasons. Some of which is in my blog.
What a negative post. I don't like saying these things. But I have to be honest. I am truly bothered by all this. I'd like a solution. I don't want to be conditioned to become this vacant and obedient shell of a man.
Obliging her every whim. Not having many of mine realized.
Yeah, no.
I am better than that.
And.. ugh...
She thinks so too. No matter what I do for her, she truly thinks she deserves everything for nothing. Or for very little.
It's sad... It's shameful...
And... God, I could really use your help with all this.
Show me the way.
Show me what I must be doing.
Help me do these things.
I am ... I have said many times before that I am your instrument.
And perhaps I still am, but am not wise enough to see the end game of all this yet.
Perhaps this is still being played out and I am achieving your will.
I know you are out there. You do listen to me.
There is a path that I am walking which is in accord with your direction.
A path that I may have structured for myself prior to this life.
Lessons to be learned.
And lessons to be taught.
I don't know...
But, I really would like to.
Thank you God.
For being with me.
I am your humble servant.
I serve the greater good.
Even when I feel contempt and cynicism, I still hold that desire for you. And for myself.
I...
Am lost and confused.
I would like for you to show me a way out of this.
Or at least... show that girl what it is she is meant to know.
And myself.
As painful or as beautiful as it may be.
Help us evolve.
Let us grow closer to you.
Not further apart.
Teach me.
Help me to help her.
Thanks.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Back.
Well blog, I'm starting to notice things in my relationship with Fola.
Her dad did not want to ever meet me in person since we got together. Felt that was not very Christian-like for me to be sleeping with a married woman. Never mind the fact that this married woman and her husband both were sleeping with multiple people and have already broken their marriage vows.
I say this, because last week he said he would meet me before leaving this Tuesday to go back to Kuwait for another year. He changed his mind, saying that its not the "right" time. Dangles a carrot and takes it away.
Basically lied.
So, I am being funneled. From what I'm noticing. The relationship that Fola has with her dad, is the relationship she somewhat expects from me. On this deep, unconscious level. This makes sense, as now I understand more the reason as to why she behaves irrationally and gets angry over petty issues.
She's manipulating me to react in the same way her father would. To become tyrannical, because she associates tyranny with love.
That makes perfect sense.
I brought this up a few minutes ago through text. She didn't come to see me today for XYZ reasons, despite saying she would, despite offering to meet up twice. Just excuses after excuses. Today she spent a few hours watching Bible videos with her family and then reading the Bible later that night.
When I brought up how her father is controlling and demanding; she agrees. When I speak my truth about the observations I've made, she calls me arrogant/controlling/demanding.
It's ridiculous.
It's okay for her father to be that way, but not me.
It's okay for him to control her and make demands and abuse her.
Because she equates that behavior with love.
I'm starting to see where the pieces of the puzzle fits in all this.
And I'm starting to learn how important it is for me to not expect an equal partnership with her. To not even try at doing it, because she doesn't want an equal partnership. Despite whatever words come out from her mouth.
She wants a ruler. A king. That's her ideal husband and mate.
Someone with firm boundaries who doesn't take shit and wields power in the form of money or intimidation, or whatever.
She wants me to be like her dad. Unconsciously she has been funneling me down this path where I am having my boundaries tested and my convictions torn apart and emotions provoked, etc.
The end result of who I am is going to be the determining factor of the success of our relationship.
Problem is, I don't have power in the form of money or education to lord over her.
I can't manipulate her with these things. And I don't want to manipulate her, but I am seeing more and more clearly that there is a"frame" that I must honor within myself. I am reminded of how important it is for me to remain authentic and forward-facing. To not let this woman (girl) compromise who I am and what I wish to be and accomplish.
I think of how it was when we first started going out. I know what I was doing that was attractive to her. My aloofness. My not getting emotionally invested. My faith in myself. My confidence.
And... I think of that spirit guide message that I received a while ago, that there is a woman in my life who is trying to undermine me spiritually.
It's her. It's Fola.
And I am facing a trial of faith.
Here is the thing. When I think of her, I don't see... a woman with a warm and giving nature. I don't see my mother, whom I would like to find. I can't trust her, and I can't respect her lack of self-awareness and empathy.
If I wrote a list of her good and bad qualities, I know that the list of bad qualities are easily written more so than the good ones are.
In all honesty, I would be struggling to get more of the good qualities down because I can't think of more than a handful.
And in spite of all that, I do love that woman. I want her to heal herself. But I am faced with a situation that is much like trying to free a wounded animal from a trap. I have to deal with the fighting, the thrashing, the biting and fear and all this negative shit in order to set it free.
So why then, do I bother? If she is this difficult to negotiate with, if she cannot keep her word, if she keeps inventing drama and provoking me and making stuff up that she knows is not true and withholding affection and expecting me to make her happy without giving anything in return; why then would I want her to be the mother of my child?
Why would I think that there is a future with us if we fight so constantly?
I don't know, blog. I just don't know why I am staying in this relationship.
One of the questions I have difficulty with answering, is whether or not I am staying because I am fearful of having to date again and finding someone with similar chemistry; or am I staying because I have faith enough in her to change and to transcend her bullshit as well as my own.
I think the answer is that it is a bit of both.
I like to think that love can transform people. I have seen the effects I have on her. But I also have seen that she doesn't really want love in the same way that I expect to receive it. She wants drama and tension and fights and intense emotions going on between us.
I get that... but...
I don't want instability. While I admit that she is never really boring because of how unpredictable she can be, I don't want it to be like this so frequently.
I would like a woman with morals. With convictions. With... genuine faith and dedication.
And though I can't instill morals into her, I can certainly help with giving her faith and making her more dedicated. Not by controlling or manipulating, but by being the best of who I can be.
By being more of who I am when we first met.
And I think she needs to know this too. That if she was more like she was when we first met, we would be extremely happy together. She was attentive, made me food, treated me with respect and adoration and... sent me nice photos of herself. Nude ones.. sexy ones..
But now.. photos are of her staring vacantly into the camera. Her messages are sloppy and careless at times with mangled words that make the conversation confusing. She's... being...
She's being... lazy.
Spiritually. Intellectually. Emotionally.
Ironically, if she read these words, she would get upset and tell me that they aren't true.
She meditates daily. That covers the spiritual part, she would say.
She reads and learns about spiritual emergence/the Kabbalah. That's the intellectual part.
She is developing herself emotionally through empathy, I think she would say for the last part.
And... just because you meditate daily, does not make you spiritual.
Just because you read a bunch of stuff that you don't remember and aren't able to think critically and rationally, going from one book/belief to another, does not make you intelligent.
... I struggle to find words sometimes. I complain so much that articulating these complaints is like taking the long-way around. Sprinkling water onto a fire over a period of hours, than to simply extinguish it all at once with a large bucket. I don't have much energy in me for precision, but perhaps I should be more mindful of the words I am using and how they are said.
I can't believe we had a fight today over my not coming to her house to help clean it with her. I asked if she needed help, and she wouldn't say yes. Then got mad that I couldn't read her mind and made up a bunch of nonsense about how I don't care for her and that I prefer to be alone in solitude with my bachelor lifestyle, etc.
Just a bunch of nonsense.
Surprisingly, I mitigated all that quite well.
Explained that I need her to accept my help when it is offered, and that is has nothing to do with begging but has everything to do with being honest and vulnerable.
Wish I could copy paste our texts into this entry. It would make more sense and save more time if I did.
Hmm.
This is... such a journey I am on.
Her lessons and my lessons are intertwined with one another.
I have to stand up for myself and be the king that I know myself to be.
She has to...
Well... she has to do a number of things.
And I don't know if she is self-aware enough to change any of it. One week it seems like she's changed and understands herself, the next she doesn't, and has forgotten what happened a week earlier.
I don't think I can fix that for her. I don't know... how she can learn from any of that on her own if she is like a hummingbird going from flower to flower as far as personal and spiritual development goes.
I think all I can do is work on myself.
To be honest. Brutally so.
With her and myself.
I pray daily... sometimes asking for guidance on all this. I don't get answers, it seems. At least not obvious ones.
But sometimes these answers need a little scaffolding on them before they can be constructed. Bits and pieces have to form the foundation of whatever these answers need to be resting upon.
Can't jump from one rung of a ladder, up to the top. It's a slow and gradual effort that takes time.
For me right now, the main thing is to have faith.
I believe in God. I believe in a plan. I have a sense that I am following this plan, and whenever I am in doubt, when things are shitty and are going south, I gently remind myself that this is exactly the way it has to be. Whether I am responsible or not, is irrelevant.
It is not my job to be fixing Fola. She has to fix herself.
All I can do is hold fast to my truth.
To not let her pry it away from me.
Easier said than done, because there are times when I know that speaking the truth is going to cause damage.
So there lies the tight-rope. The balance. The constant vigilance.
Walk by faith and not by sight.
Everything I need is already here. The answers are already here.
All I must do is discover them. Make myself ready to accept them.
Because they are here.
And I am loved. As hard as it is for me to feel at times, I know that I am loved by forces that are higher and lower than myself. Even if I cannot see who or what they are.
And I can't let them down. I know they want the best for me. My deceased father. Spirit guides. God. Angels.. whatever they may be.
When I change myself, the world changes with me.
And I am not one to be toyed with. Not by an immature woman who is 9 years my junior and unable to think critically and objectively with empathy and compassion and consideration.
Yeah, she's not perfect, and neither am I.
Organically that is.
Inside... I know that we each are like diamonds. Perfect in absolutely every way.
Cut into a thousand facets,
Our souls are beautiful and glittering.
But society... perception... conditioning... biology...
These things cover up some of the facets of our diamonds. They hide the beauty behind the one aspect of ourselves that we consider to be weak and inferior.
And yet.. we can work to clean that part of ourselves. To really work at cleaning off the grime and dirt behind whatever it is that keeps us from gleaming and glowing with the light of goodness and contentment within ourselves. To present that one glittering side for the world to see.
When we accept that we largely are happy with who we are, that is the confidence we need in order to go forward and do great things.
And... that is my job to be doing.
I have difficulty hearing. Its a hell of a challenge in so many ways to be hearing-impaired.
So much self-doubt and lack of confidence and inability to really connect with people.
Can be fixed.. sure.. with hearing aids that cost money that I don't have.
And then... the pride thing comes up. I don't want to wear them anyways. I don't want to further destroy my hearing by amplifying certain sounds to levels that will damage things even more.
Such a conundrum.
And... the shame I get from all this. From being this way. Not feeling deserving of certain things. Accepting abuse and disrespect and being unsure of how to cope or deal with them.
Not being able to walk with confidence and a smile in the world because of how inferior I am.. and ironically, how arrogant I can sometimes be.
Sometimes my pride serves as a shield. I need it, but I truly don't.
And I have to live in this contradiction.
To lessen the influence of my ego, but also to preserve and fortify it.
Some kind of weird... balance, needs to be struck.
Live with and without expectations.
Expect and do not expect.
Should I not expect respect from my partner?
Or should I earn it?
Should I make myself deserving of it?
These questions... man... I vacillate between taking responsibility for the behaviors of others, and blaming them for my problems.
If only Fola could be more loving and giving and generous and willing to please... then I could be the same... that's one dialogue.
If only I could make myself into the man I know myself to be, then I will be loved and given towards and made to feel respected and appreciated.
How much of my life is really in my control?
And how much of it is dependent on others?
The answers vary.
Ideally, I should be held accountable only onto myself.
And yet... relationships make this difficult to do.
When I do something nice for someone, I know that it puts them into a better place.
And I feel the same way when receiving something in return.
It's transactional. Conditional. I don't think unconditional love can truly exist within these human bodies and inside of this type of society we live in.
But perhaps it can.
Maybe I can learn to love myself and only myself. Everything and everyone else gets the run-off from the feelings I generate within.
Maybe it really is that simple.
I don't know.
It's late. I have to go to sleep. Waking up at 5am to go to a job that I dislike. Cutting bands all day on light-duty.
Wonderful.
People are getting laid off. They haven't laid me off yet because I am not medically cleared by my doctor to be fit for work.
But once I am... I'm gone..
Wish I knew the answer to this. I need to do something else for a living.
I need to...
Make something of myself.
I am a writer.
And I am a sentimental fool who believes in a certain type of love.
One that I wish to dearly experience.
For as long as humanly possible.
And even beyond.
Good night blog.
Love ya.
Take care.
Her dad did not want to ever meet me in person since we got together. Felt that was not very Christian-like for me to be sleeping with a married woman. Never mind the fact that this married woman and her husband both were sleeping with multiple people and have already broken their marriage vows.
I say this, because last week he said he would meet me before leaving this Tuesday to go back to Kuwait for another year. He changed his mind, saying that its not the "right" time. Dangles a carrot and takes it away.
Basically lied.
So, I am being funneled. From what I'm noticing. The relationship that Fola has with her dad, is the relationship she somewhat expects from me. On this deep, unconscious level. This makes sense, as now I understand more the reason as to why she behaves irrationally and gets angry over petty issues.
She's manipulating me to react in the same way her father would. To become tyrannical, because she associates tyranny with love.
That makes perfect sense.
I brought this up a few minutes ago through text. She didn't come to see me today for XYZ reasons, despite saying she would, despite offering to meet up twice. Just excuses after excuses. Today she spent a few hours watching Bible videos with her family and then reading the Bible later that night.
When I brought up how her father is controlling and demanding; she agrees. When I speak my truth about the observations I've made, she calls me arrogant/controlling/demanding.
It's ridiculous.
It's okay for her father to be that way, but not me.
It's okay for him to control her and make demands and abuse her.
Because she equates that behavior with love.
I'm starting to see where the pieces of the puzzle fits in all this.
And I'm starting to learn how important it is for me to not expect an equal partnership with her. To not even try at doing it, because she doesn't want an equal partnership. Despite whatever words come out from her mouth.
She wants a ruler. A king. That's her ideal husband and mate.
Someone with firm boundaries who doesn't take shit and wields power in the form of money or intimidation, or whatever.
She wants me to be like her dad. Unconsciously she has been funneling me down this path where I am having my boundaries tested and my convictions torn apart and emotions provoked, etc.
The end result of who I am is going to be the determining factor of the success of our relationship.
Problem is, I don't have power in the form of money or education to lord over her.
I can't manipulate her with these things. And I don't want to manipulate her, but I am seeing more and more clearly that there is a"frame" that I must honor within myself. I am reminded of how important it is for me to remain authentic and forward-facing. To not let this woman (girl) compromise who I am and what I wish to be and accomplish.
I think of how it was when we first started going out. I know what I was doing that was attractive to her. My aloofness. My not getting emotionally invested. My faith in myself. My confidence.
And... I think of that spirit guide message that I received a while ago, that there is a woman in my life who is trying to undermine me spiritually.
It's her. It's Fola.
And I am facing a trial of faith.
Here is the thing. When I think of her, I don't see... a woman with a warm and giving nature. I don't see my mother, whom I would like to find. I can't trust her, and I can't respect her lack of self-awareness and empathy.
If I wrote a list of her good and bad qualities, I know that the list of bad qualities are easily written more so than the good ones are.
In all honesty, I would be struggling to get more of the good qualities down because I can't think of more than a handful.
And in spite of all that, I do love that woman. I want her to heal herself. But I am faced with a situation that is much like trying to free a wounded animal from a trap. I have to deal with the fighting, the thrashing, the biting and fear and all this negative shit in order to set it free.
So why then, do I bother? If she is this difficult to negotiate with, if she cannot keep her word, if she keeps inventing drama and provoking me and making stuff up that she knows is not true and withholding affection and expecting me to make her happy without giving anything in return; why then would I want her to be the mother of my child?
Why would I think that there is a future with us if we fight so constantly?
I don't know, blog. I just don't know why I am staying in this relationship.
One of the questions I have difficulty with answering, is whether or not I am staying because I am fearful of having to date again and finding someone with similar chemistry; or am I staying because I have faith enough in her to change and to transcend her bullshit as well as my own.
I think the answer is that it is a bit of both.
I like to think that love can transform people. I have seen the effects I have on her. But I also have seen that she doesn't really want love in the same way that I expect to receive it. She wants drama and tension and fights and intense emotions going on between us.
I get that... but...
I don't want instability. While I admit that she is never really boring because of how unpredictable she can be, I don't want it to be like this so frequently.
I would like a woman with morals. With convictions. With... genuine faith and dedication.
And though I can't instill morals into her, I can certainly help with giving her faith and making her more dedicated. Not by controlling or manipulating, but by being the best of who I can be.
By being more of who I am when we first met.
And I think she needs to know this too. That if she was more like she was when we first met, we would be extremely happy together. She was attentive, made me food, treated me with respect and adoration and... sent me nice photos of herself. Nude ones.. sexy ones..
But now.. photos are of her staring vacantly into the camera. Her messages are sloppy and careless at times with mangled words that make the conversation confusing. She's... being...
She's being... lazy.
Spiritually. Intellectually. Emotionally.
Ironically, if she read these words, she would get upset and tell me that they aren't true.
She meditates daily. That covers the spiritual part, she would say.
She reads and learns about spiritual emergence/the Kabbalah. That's the intellectual part.
She is developing herself emotionally through empathy, I think she would say for the last part.
And... just because you meditate daily, does not make you spiritual.
Just because you read a bunch of stuff that you don't remember and aren't able to think critically and rationally, going from one book/belief to another, does not make you intelligent.
... I struggle to find words sometimes. I complain so much that articulating these complaints is like taking the long-way around. Sprinkling water onto a fire over a period of hours, than to simply extinguish it all at once with a large bucket. I don't have much energy in me for precision, but perhaps I should be more mindful of the words I am using and how they are said.
I can't believe we had a fight today over my not coming to her house to help clean it with her. I asked if she needed help, and she wouldn't say yes. Then got mad that I couldn't read her mind and made up a bunch of nonsense about how I don't care for her and that I prefer to be alone in solitude with my bachelor lifestyle, etc.
Just a bunch of nonsense.
Surprisingly, I mitigated all that quite well.
Explained that I need her to accept my help when it is offered, and that is has nothing to do with begging but has everything to do with being honest and vulnerable.
Wish I could copy paste our texts into this entry. It would make more sense and save more time if I did.
Hmm.
This is... such a journey I am on.
Her lessons and my lessons are intertwined with one another.
I have to stand up for myself and be the king that I know myself to be.
She has to...
Well... she has to do a number of things.
And I don't know if she is self-aware enough to change any of it. One week it seems like she's changed and understands herself, the next she doesn't, and has forgotten what happened a week earlier.
I don't think I can fix that for her. I don't know... how she can learn from any of that on her own if she is like a hummingbird going from flower to flower as far as personal and spiritual development goes.
I think all I can do is work on myself.
To be honest. Brutally so.
With her and myself.
I pray daily... sometimes asking for guidance on all this. I don't get answers, it seems. At least not obvious ones.
But sometimes these answers need a little scaffolding on them before they can be constructed. Bits and pieces have to form the foundation of whatever these answers need to be resting upon.
Can't jump from one rung of a ladder, up to the top. It's a slow and gradual effort that takes time.
For me right now, the main thing is to have faith.
I believe in God. I believe in a plan. I have a sense that I am following this plan, and whenever I am in doubt, when things are shitty and are going south, I gently remind myself that this is exactly the way it has to be. Whether I am responsible or not, is irrelevant.
It is not my job to be fixing Fola. She has to fix herself.
All I can do is hold fast to my truth.
To not let her pry it away from me.
Easier said than done, because there are times when I know that speaking the truth is going to cause damage.
So there lies the tight-rope. The balance. The constant vigilance.
Walk by faith and not by sight.
Everything I need is already here. The answers are already here.
All I must do is discover them. Make myself ready to accept them.
Because they are here.
And I am loved. As hard as it is for me to feel at times, I know that I am loved by forces that are higher and lower than myself. Even if I cannot see who or what they are.
And I can't let them down. I know they want the best for me. My deceased father. Spirit guides. God. Angels.. whatever they may be.
When I change myself, the world changes with me.
And I am not one to be toyed with. Not by an immature woman who is 9 years my junior and unable to think critically and objectively with empathy and compassion and consideration.
Yeah, she's not perfect, and neither am I.
Organically that is.
Inside... I know that we each are like diamonds. Perfect in absolutely every way.
Cut into a thousand facets,
Our souls are beautiful and glittering.
But society... perception... conditioning... biology...
These things cover up some of the facets of our diamonds. They hide the beauty behind the one aspect of ourselves that we consider to be weak and inferior.
And yet.. we can work to clean that part of ourselves. To really work at cleaning off the grime and dirt behind whatever it is that keeps us from gleaming and glowing with the light of goodness and contentment within ourselves. To present that one glittering side for the world to see.
When we accept that we largely are happy with who we are, that is the confidence we need in order to go forward and do great things.
And... that is my job to be doing.
I have difficulty hearing. Its a hell of a challenge in so many ways to be hearing-impaired.
So much self-doubt and lack of confidence and inability to really connect with people.
Can be fixed.. sure.. with hearing aids that cost money that I don't have.
And then... the pride thing comes up. I don't want to wear them anyways. I don't want to further destroy my hearing by amplifying certain sounds to levels that will damage things even more.
Such a conundrum.
And... the shame I get from all this. From being this way. Not feeling deserving of certain things. Accepting abuse and disrespect and being unsure of how to cope or deal with them.
Not being able to walk with confidence and a smile in the world because of how inferior I am.. and ironically, how arrogant I can sometimes be.
Sometimes my pride serves as a shield. I need it, but I truly don't.
And I have to live in this contradiction.
To lessen the influence of my ego, but also to preserve and fortify it.
Some kind of weird... balance, needs to be struck.
Live with and without expectations.
Expect and do not expect.
Should I not expect respect from my partner?
Or should I earn it?
Should I make myself deserving of it?
These questions... man... I vacillate between taking responsibility for the behaviors of others, and blaming them for my problems.
If only Fola could be more loving and giving and generous and willing to please... then I could be the same... that's one dialogue.
If only I could make myself into the man I know myself to be, then I will be loved and given towards and made to feel respected and appreciated.
How much of my life is really in my control?
And how much of it is dependent on others?
The answers vary.
Ideally, I should be held accountable only onto myself.
And yet... relationships make this difficult to do.
When I do something nice for someone, I know that it puts them into a better place.
And I feel the same way when receiving something in return.
It's transactional. Conditional. I don't think unconditional love can truly exist within these human bodies and inside of this type of society we live in.
But perhaps it can.
Maybe I can learn to love myself and only myself. Everything and everyone else gets the run-off from the feelings I generate within.
Maybe it really is that simple.
I don't know.
It's late. I have to go to sleep. Waking up at 5am to go to a job that I dislike. Cutting bands all day on light-duty.
Wonderful.
People are getting laid off. They haven't laid me off yet because I am not medically cleared by my doctor to be fit for work.
But once I am... I'm gone..
Wish I knew the answer to this. I need to do something else for a living.
I need to...
Make something of myself.
I am a writer.
And I am a sentimental fool who believes in a certain type of love.
One that I wish to dearly experience.
For as long as humanly possible.
And even beyond.
Good night blog.
Love ya.
Take care.
Friday, August 03, 2018
Hmph
I know blog. I know.
Be patient. Apathy is overwhelming at times and so much has been going on.
I'll write soon.
I hope.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Lightest Duty
(groans) what a week my blog, what a week.
Again, so much has happened that I can't possibly describe it all.
Let's start with the most important thing, no, not Fola, but work.
I got gassed at my job last Wednesday. I was up on top of a tower with my partner Bruce when I started to smell something funny. It wasn't funny to laugh at, but funny enough to scrunch my face and yell at Bruce to get down all the ladders to get away from the smell.
As we reached the halfway point, I look at Bruce and notice him checking out his gas monitor which was blinking a menacing red. I remember almost losing my grip on the way down due to how overwhelming it all smelled and how invasive it was to be caught in this gas, and here was my partner, dawdling looking at his monitor like he had all the time in the world to scrutinize it. Pissed me off.
We were then met at the same level by two other coworkers who also were feeling the effects of this gas and also had their monitors blinking red. Our only exit was the stairs, and Miles Copeland told us all not to go down there and that we should find another way out. We ended up scrambling around cable trays looking for another way down, eventually finding one and then crossing a three-foot gap from about fifty feet or more from the ground.
We got to the ground, no alarms were going off in the unit (and eventually the next unit over did have alarms going because of it) and gathered together with our coworkers, some of whom were spitting and nauseous. One of them (Ethel) actually became wobbly on her feet and nearly fell to the ground had it not been for people around her who saw what was happening.
We waited 20 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. I felt my chest was tight, the disgusting stench still in my nostrils and fatigue/headache setting in.
Eventually the ambulance arrives and took five of us to the hospital, where we were kept under observation and eventually discharged.
There's more detail to all of this, including the BS that went on with my being threatened with "severe repercussions" if I didn't come in, despite a doctor's note saying I shouldn't, but that is being logged elsewhere and is a story best left for another time.
I will get into what happened today at work.
Yesterday, I called in saying that I wasn't going to come in. I couldn't get much sleep and I slept through my alarm and I also didn't have my workboots, which were thrown away as "contaminated" by the hospital staff.
The shift supervisor, Barry, then told me to call Gerald the safety guy to repeat my reasons as to why I wasn't coming in. I was so fatigued and tired and mindful of how they threatened me to come in despite my note; that I didn't want any drama and decided not to call.
I then went to see the doctor at the walk-in clinic. He said I should be on light-duty. Fine. Called Gerald after this, and told him what happened. I didn't want any drama, so I told him I was taking a "personal" day rather than have to jump through the hoops of it being recorded as a lost-time incident. I just wanted my time off to recover and to get my boots and get a second opinion from the doctor, which by the way, the site physician told me to "take it easy" when I saw him on Thursday rather than make any recommendations or suggestions on what I should be doing to recover from the headaches and fever and chest pain, etc.
So, this morning had me in Gerald's office where I handed him my doctor's note for last week (which didn't matter), the light-duty form from the doctor yesterday and the receipts I had for the contaminated clothing I had to replace, which was at a total of $461.91. Crazy number, but Gerald didn't bat an eye at it.
Sat around for most of the morning while they figured out what to do with me. Learned from other people what the five of us (who were hospitalized) have been up to and feeling.
First off was Ethel and Lee. They were placed back into the Coker unit, unbelievably without protest, where an alarm went off and sent them into a panic. Refusing then not to work in that unit, which had them transferred to another crew. It also had Lee taking the day off early so he could see a psychologist.
Second in the day, was Miles. He complained about the stress and how scary it all was and how he had headaches and nausea over the weekend. But did he consult with his doctor or put his foot down and demand not to be placed back into the coker unit? No, he did not, and I was very disappointed when I found out his reasons why.
Turns out, he hates the idea of hand-outs. Of being coddled. He does not want to stay home and get money for nothing. Nor does he want to be on light-duty or thought of as "weak". I thought those were terrible reasons because this incident was the sole responsibility and fault of our employer and could have resulted in more severe consequences had we not evacuated the area in time.
I tried to get Miles to think about his health, mentally and physically and to consider getting it recorded by a family doctor. He looked depressed and closed-off and then told me that this incident was only "the tip of the iceberg" compared to everything else going on in his life at the moment. He felt that "routine" by working and forgetting everything, was the solution to his ills.
That's three of the five. The next was Danny Yim, he didn't show up today. I'm not sure what his story is.
Later on, I would talk to my partner Bruce, who not only got the details of our location wrong (platform 14 instead of 19), but like Miles, didn't want to report any injuries or trauma, despite also suffering from headaches and nausea over the weekend. Telling me that his wife and daughter were shocked by his story and that he now "knew" what to do differently in this situation. The non-chalance about his having to work again on the coker, made me a bit upset. Who the hell would want to go back there where alarms didn't go off, ambulance response time was long and over 50ppm of H2S was reported on one of our monitors? What kind of a dummy would brush that all off?
He then told me about how he once fell off a scaffold a fair distance and cut his wrist. He then didn't report it, despite there being no edge rails and being a clear violation of safety standards. He smiled as he told me how he climbed back on the ladder to continue what he was doing. Like he was showing the scaffold who's "boss".
Depressing. Depressing as hell. These people aren't self-aware enough to know that when their health has been jeopardized and their safety compromised due to negligance, or the disrespect of management to place them back at their jobs; they make the rest of us look bad. Like this incident wasn't a big deal. Exactly what management wants to play it as. But it was a big deal. A HUGE deal. So much so that in the safety meeting today, they glossed over the incident, saying it was under investigation and that they didn't want to give specifics because they didn't have any to give. It was bullshit. I knew it was and have already heard what went wrong. Stone-walling and stalling, until finally this guy at my table, Trevor, yelled out "you guys really fucked this up" to which we heard an "excuse me?" from a Suncor rep, and he replied, "you guys really fucked up. Big time." loudly.
I smiled inside. The Suncor rep nodded at him, and one guy jokingly gave him the new nickname of "Big Balls" Trevor. Joking that he was going to be the first to be laid off.
It's a terrible situation I'm in. They have me cutting bands in the shop for light duty. Two weeks of this. And likely by the end of it, I'll be laid off or close to being laid off. They've been talking about this for a while now.
And.. I don't know what's going to happen at the end. I do have these headaches, I don't feel them as much in the morning, but they build up over the day. The tightness in my chest, that is present with me too.
I really want to write a detailed report of all this garbage. I really do want Suncor to be held accountable. I don't feel safe working at a refinery anymore. Not when this is the way they look after our own safety. It used to be that every accident or incident is the fault of careless workers, who should have noted the "hazard" on their FLRA cards and put in controls to manage it.
Well, how the heck do we manage a computer malfunction that ended up causing a gas explosion? How do we manage for alarms that didn't go off? Emergency not being contacted immediately and an ambulance being sent right away?
How?
Anyways, blog. I'm now cutting bands with this old guy who loves to hunt. He's grumpy and... sighs.. I'm not looking forward to two weeks of this.
I hate this job. I dislike my career.
I need to move on to something else.
But... I have no means of doing so.
I'm on fumes... paycheque to paycheque.
I'm hurting.
And Fola.. well.. more knives in my chest with that one. She's in Nanaimo with her family this week and I'm looking after her sister's cat Guimo.
I'm... again... lied to. Mislead. She said we were going to go to BC this year. We didn't.
We were supposed to go to Cuba this year. We didn't.
Three months ago was, "we should take a big trip soon" we didn't, and she ended up going to Boston and then Vancouver a few short weeks later. One for "work" related reasons which was bullshit. The other, too, was her having to go to a Shaman group meeting, but had her enjoying the sites and sounds of being in a new place and seeing the ocean, etc.
All those lies and false promises.
Getting sick of it my blog.
Really getting sick of it.
Yesterday had her talking about how she couldn't wait to go to Norway with me. I couldn't share her enthusiasm. I am still not forgetting how she promised we would go on a trip as soon as she got her pension money. Which she did, and spent already. I still haven't forgotten how she said she wanted to plan a trip and it was going to be a surprise...
And, fuck man.. she's left the province three times without me this year. And she wants to go to Brazil in the fall.
I am such a sucker.
I am.
I keep wanting to believe in love.
Instead, I am forced to disbelieve in it. I cannot trust her. She does not keep her word.
I'm tired, blog. Just wanted to jot this all down before I go to sleep.
So tired.
Good night.
Love you.
May tomorrow be a better day.
And the future that much brighter.
Again, so much has happened that I can't possibly describe it all.
Let's start with the most important thing, no, not Fola, but work.
I got gassed at my job last Wednesday. I was up on top of a tower with my partner Bruce when I started to smell something funny. It wasn't funny to laugh at, but funny enough to scrunch my face and yell at Bruce to get down all the ladders to get away from the smell.
As we reached the halfway point, I look at Bruce and notice him checking out his gas monitor which was blinking a menacing red. I remember almost losing my grip on the way down due to how overwhelming it all smelled and how invasive it was to be caught in this gas, and here was my partner, dawdling looking at his monitor like he had all the time in the world to scrutinize it. Pissed me off.
We were then met at the same level by two other coworkers who also were feeling the effects of this gas and also had their monitors blinking red. Our only exit was the stairs, and Miles Copeland told us all not to go down there and that we should find another way out. We ended up scrambling around cable trays looking for another way down, eventually finding one and then crossing a three-foot gap from about fifty feet or more from the ground.
We got to the ground, no alarms were going off in the unit (and eventually the next unit over did have alarms going because of it) and gathered together with our coworkers, some of whom were spitting and nauseous. One of them (Ethel) actually became wobbly on her feet and nearly fell to the ground had it not been for people around her who saw what was happening.
We waited 20 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. I felt my chest was tight, the disgusting stench still in my nostrils and fatigue/headache setting in.
Eventually the ambulance arrives and took five of us to the hospital, where we were kept under observation and eventually discharged.
There's more detail to all of this, including the BS that went on with my being threatened with "severe repercussions" if I didn't come in, despite a doctor's note saying I shouldn't, but that is being logged elsewhere and is a story best left for another time.
I will get into what happened today at work.
Yesterday, I called in saying that I wasn't going to come in. I couldn't get much sleep and I slept through my alarm and I also didn't have my workboots, which were thrown away as "contaminated" by the hospital staff.
The shift supervisor, Barry, then told me to call Gerald the safety guy to repeat my reasons as to why I wasn't coming in. I was so fatigued and tired and mindful of how they threatened me to come in despite my note; that I didn't want any drama and decided not to call.
I then went to see the doctor at the walk-in clinic. He said I should be on light-duty. Fine. Called Gerald after this, and told him what happened. I didn't want any drama, so I told him I was taking a "personal" day rather than have to jump through the hoops of it being recorded as a lost-time incident. I just wanted my time off to recover and to get my boots and get a second opinion from the doctor, which by the way, the site physician told me to "take it easy" when I saw him on Thursday rather than make any recommendations or suggestions on what I should be doing to recover from the headaches and fever and chest pain, etc.
So, this morning had me in Gerald's office where I handed him my doctor's note for last week (which didn't matter), the light-duty form from the doctor yesterday and the receipts I had for the contaminated clothing I had to replace, which was at a total of $461.91. Crazy number, but Gerald didn't bat an eye at it.
Sat around for most of the morning while they figured out what to do with me. Learned from other people what the five of us (who were hospitalized) have been up to and feeling.
First off was Ethel and Lee. They were placed back into the Coker unit, unbelievably without protest, where an alarm went off and sent them into a panic. Refusing then not to work in that unit, which had them transferred to another crew. It also had Lee taking the day off early so he could see a psychologist.
Second in the day, was Miles. He complained about the stress and how scary it all was and how he had headaches and nausea over the weekend. But did he consult with his doctor or put his foot down and demand not to be placed back into the coker unit? No, he did not, and I was very disappointed when I found out his reasons why.
Turns out, he hates the idea of hand-outs. Of being coddled. He does not want to stay home and get money for nothing. Nor does he want to be on light-duty or thought of as "weak". I thought those were terrible reasons because this incident was the sole responsibility and fault of our employer and could have resulted in more severe consequences had we not evacuated the area in time.
I tried to get Miles to think about his health, mentally and physically and to consider getting it recorded by a family doctor. He looked depressed and closed-off and then told me that this incident was only "the tip of the iceberg" compared to everything else going on in his life at the moment. He felt that "routine" by working and forgetting everything, was the solution to his ills.
That's three of the five. The next was Danny Yim, he didn't show up today. I'm not sure what his story is.
Later on, I would talk to my partner Bruce, who not only got the details of our location wrong (platform 14 instead of 19), but like Miles, didn't want to report any injuries or trauma, despite also suffering from headaches and nausea over the weekend. Telling me that his wife and daughter were shocked by his story and that he now "knew" what to do differently in this situation. The non-chalance about his having to work again on the coker, made me a bit upset. Who the hell would want to go back there where alarms didn't go off, ambulance response time was long and over 50ppm of H2S was reported on one of our monitors? What kind of a dummy would brush that all off?
He then told me about how he once fell off a scaffold a fair distance and cut his wrist. He then didn't report it, despite there being no edge rails and being a clear violation of safety standards. He smiled as he told me how he climbed back on the ladder to continue what he was doing. Like he was showing the scaffold who's "boss".
Depressing. Depressing as hell. These people aren't self-aware enough to know that when their health has been jeopardized and their safety compromised due to negligance, or the disrespect of management to place them back at their jobs; they make the rest of us look bad. Like this incident wasn't a big deal. Exactly what management wants to play it as. But it was a big deal. A HUGE deal. So much so that in the safety meeting today, they glossed over the incident, saying it was under investigation and that they didn't want to give specifics because they didn't have any to give. It was bullshit. I knew it was and have already heard what went wrong. Stone-walling and stalling, until finally this guy at my table, Trevor, yelled out "you guys really fucked this up" to which we heard an "excuse me?" from a Suncor rep, and he replied, "you guys really fucked up. Big time." loudly.
I smiled inside. The Suncor rep nodded at him, and one guy jokingly gave him the new nickname of "Big Balls" Trevor. Joking that he was going to be the first to be laid off.
It's a terrible situation I'm in. They have me cutting bands in the shop for light duty. Two weeks of this. And likely by the end of it, I'll be laid off or close to being laid off. They've been talking about this for a while now.
And.. I don't know what's going to happen at the end. I do have these headaches, I don't feel them as much in the morning, but they build up over the day. The tightness in my chest, that is present with me too.
I really want to write a detailed report of all this garbage. I really do want Suncor to be held accountable. I don't feel safe working at a refinery anymore. Not when this is the way they look after our own safety. It used to be that every accident or incident is the fault of careless workers, who should have noted the "hazard" on their FLRA cards and put in controls to manage it.
Well, how the heck do we manage a computer malfunction that ended up causing a gas explosion? How do we manage for alarms that didn't go off? Emergency not being contacted immediately and an ambulance being sent right away?
How?
Anyways, blog. I'm now cutting bands with this old guy who loves to hunt. He's grumpy and... sighs.. I'm not looking forward to two weeks of this.
I hate this job. I dislike my career.
I need to move on to something else.
But... I have no means of doing so.
I'm on fumes... paycheque to paycheque.
I'm hurting.
And Fola.. well.. more knives in my chest with that one. She's in Nanaimo with her family this week and I'm looking after her sister's cat Guimo.
I'm... again... lied to. Mislead. She said we were going to go to BC this year. We didn't.
We were supposed to go to Cuba this year. We didn't.
Three months ago was, "we should take a big trip soon" we didn't, and she ended up going to Boston and then Vancouver a few short weeks later. One for "work" related reasons which was bullshit. The other, too, was her having to go to a Shaman group meeting, but had her enjoying the sites and sounds of being in a new place and seeing the ocean, etc.
All those lies and false promises.
Getting sick of it my blog.
Really getting sick of it.
Yesterday had her talking about how she couldn't wait to go to Norway with me. I couldn't share her enthusiasm. I am still not forgetting how she promised we would go on a trip as soon as she got her pension money. Which she did, and spent already. I still haven't forgotten how she said she wanted to plan a trip and it was going to be a surprise...
And, fuck man.. she's left the province three times without me this year. And she wants to go to Brazil in the fall.
I am such a sucker.
I am.
I keep wanting to believe in love.
Instead, I am forced to disbelieve in it. I cannot trust her. She does not keep her word.
I'm tired, blog. Just wanted to jot this all down before I go to sleep.
So tired.
Good night.
Love you.
May tomorrow be a better day.
And the future that much brighter.
Monday, July 09, 2018
The Train Keeps a Rollin'
Hi blog, how are you? Yes, it has been a while hasn't it? Almost two months.
I thought about you off and on. Wanted to come here and post about the latest thing that is bothering me. Such as the drama between Fola, which is generally all that's really worth posting about I think.
She's sleeping in my bed right now. It's 3:30am and I have to go to work. Didn't have enough sleep, but I also couldn't sleep. Something about being in bed with her made me feel uncomfortable more than a few times that I decided to head downstairs, brew coffee and start typing.
Sighs. There is so much I haven't reported on. Her trip to Salem. The fight we had around there. Other fights. Other drama.
Right now, I'm dealing not with a fight, but a disconnect. It bothers me when she acts distant and distracted and last night was more of that.
When she gets that way, I start feeling less excited and interested in being with her.
What bothers me really, is the hypocrisy around our relationship. It wasn't too long ago when she said she would do her best to make this the most loving relationship she can. She hasn't. Not from what I saw last night and recently.
To be fair, she is starting a new job tomorrow and is nervous about it. I suppose I'm mentioning this because we haven't been intimate last night and I really wanted us to be.
When I sleep next to her, it feels like she's not even there. Its like she's a corpse. No warmth. No snuggling. No kisses. Touching her feels like nothing. Like, nothing is registering.
I find that I have to initiate most of the moments of intimacy that passes between us, and that is not good. Hugs, kisses... My attempts at keeping the spark alive doesn't seem to be met with much reciprocity. And that is not good either.
I don't know blog. That woman isn't giving me what I need. She is not keeping true to her word.
I've often wrote in the past about how much I want love in my life. A woman to love and be loved by and... this is not what I wanted. It is and it isn't. In our best moments, it can be, but only when mutual effort is put in. And even then, it feels more like my own efforts than it does for her.
A few days ago, she came over and I initiated sex. At first she was like, "I don't know. I kind of thought about sex before coming over, but I also didn't, I don't know... but you know what I mean."
No, I didn't know what she means. That ambivalence towards giving me something that I need and desire, doesn't help with getting me excited and motivated to please both her and myself.
It damages things.
And yet, she went through with it and it was great. It made no sense to voice doubts or complaints.
I think about the girl of my dreams and how we would spoon together in bed. How we would work to make each other laugh and smile and feel good. And I think of Georgina sometimes, and how she would do silly things like tie Darth Vadar to my bed, or decide to give me a blowjob in the kitchen for no apparent reason or effort on my part.
That's the kind of girl I want. The one that I know is acting to please me and is willing to be pleased by me.
And I don't quite understand why its not that way with Fola. It... She is complicated in a simple way. I think she's always had an issue with connecting emotionally with people. This isn't apparent until down the road, when one spends enough time with her.
I've seen how it is with her daughter. It almost feels like she starves Ivy of affection and attention in a way that makes her daughter craves it even more.
Kind of like what she is doing with me.
Turning us into slaves, I think, is an apt way of describing the effect of her unconscious behavior.
It seems that even with yesterday, when I try and do things perfectly. To please and excite her, I am not rewarded for my efforts. There is this wall or chasm she puts up that she will not take down between us. Despite being witness to the obvious attempt on my part to negate such things. To connect more fully and to bring more depth to our interactions.
It takes two to tango.
I don't know blog. I just don't know. About a week ago I received a spirit guide portrait I ordered through Etsy, done by a psychic in the UK. Costed me about 120$ for it, and I purchased two other readings by separate people so I could better triangulate information about whether or not I have a spirit guide or guides, assisting me through life.
And... It's inconclusive. The portrait I received showed a face of someone with plants/vines for hair.
That was the portrait one. The reading before that, told me that my guide was a woman and that she had an urgent message for me. The message was that Fola (not directly referenced by name) was working to spiritually undermine me.
Felt true enough to me. Whenever I'm in a good mood or feeling particularly connected to my higher-self and the world around me, she manages to tear it down and have me feel disoriented, confused and starved for validation.
The first reading I got, didn't impress me and offered little information beyond that my element is "fire" and that's really all I got among the general statements it made.
So, my triangulation was fruitless. I didn't find any contradictions between them and I didn't find much in common, either, apart from my guide being a woman.
Oh yeah, the second reading said my guide also had a message to me. Something about milking a cow and that "he will know what that means" and I clearly don't.
Yeah.. so.. Fola just texted asking me to go upstairs to cuddle with her.
The slave obeys.
Talk to you soon blog.
Love you.
Now, I must learn to love myself.
I thought about you off and on. Wanted to come here and post about the latest thing that is bothering me. Such as the drama between Fola, which is generally all that's really worth posting about I think.
She's sleeping in my bed right now. It's 3:30am and I have to go to work. Didn't have enough sleep, but I also couldn't sleep. Something about being in bed with her made me feel uncomfortable more than a few times that I decided to head downstairs, brew coffee and start typing.
Sighs. There is so much I haven't reported on. Her trip to Salem. The fight we had around there. Other fights. Other drama.
Right now, I'm dealing not with a fight, but a disconnect. It bothers me when she acts distant and distracted and last night was more of that.
When she gets that way, I start feeling less excited and interested in being with her.
What bothers me really, is the hypocrisy around our relationship. It wasn't too long ago when she said she would do her best to make this the most loving relationship she can. She hasn't. Not from what I saw last night and recently.
To be fair, she is starting a new job tomorrow and is nervous about it. I suppose I'm mentioning this because we haven't been intimate last night and I really wanted us to be.
When I sleep next to her, it feels like she's not even there. Its like she's a corpse. No warmth. No snuggling. No kisses. Touching her feels like nothing. Like, nothing is registering.
I find that I have to initiate most of the moments of intimacy that passes between us, and that is not good. Hugs, kisses... My attempts at keeping the spark alive doesn't seem to be met with much reciprocity. And that is not good either.
I don't know blog. That woman isn't giving me what I need. She is not keeping true to her word.
I've often wrote in the past about how much I want love in my life. A woman to love and be loved by and... this is not what I wanted. It is and it isn't. In our best moments, it can be, but only when mutual effort is put in. And even then, it feels more like my own efforts than it does for her.
A few days ago, she came over and I initiated sex. At first she was like, "I don't know. I kind of thought about sex before coming over, but I also didn't, I don't know... but you know what I mean."
No, I didn't know what she means. That ambivalence towards giving me something that I need and desire, doesn't help with getting me excited and motivated to please both her and myself.
It damages things.
And yet, she went through with it and it was great. It made no sense to voice doubts or complaints.
I think about the girl of my dreams and how we would spoon together in bed. How we would work to make each other laugh and smile and feel good. And I think of Georgina sometimes, and how she would do silly things like tie Darth Vadar to my bed, or decide to give me a blowjob in the kitchen for no apparent reason or effort on my part.
That's the kind of girl I want. The one that I know is acting to please me and is willing to be pleased by me.
And I don't quite understand why its not that way with Fola. It... She is complicated in a simple way. I think she's always had an issue with connecting emotionally with people. This isn't apparent until down the road, when one spends enough time with her.
I've seen how it is with her daughter. It almost feels like she starves Ivy of affection and attention in a way that makes her daughter craves it even more.
Kind of like what she is doing with me.
Turning us into slaves, I think, is an apt way of describing the effect of her unconscious behavior.
It seems that even with yesterday, when I try and do things perfectly. To please and excite her, I am not rewarded for my efforts. There is this wall or chasm she puts up that she will not take down between us. Despite being witness to the obvious attempt on my part to negate such things. To connect more fully and to bring more depth to our interactions.
It takes two to tango.
I don't know blog. I just don't know. About a week ago I received a spirit guide portrait I ordered through Etsy, done by a psychic in the UK. Costed me about 120$ for it, and I purchased two other readings by separate people so I could better triangulate information about whether or not I have a spirit guide or guides, assisting me through life.
And... It's inconclusive. The portrait I received showed a face of someone with plants/vines for hair.
That was the portrait one. The reading before that, told me that my guide was a woman and that she had an urgent message for me. The message was that Fola (not directly referenced by name) was working to spiritually undermine me.
Felt true enough to me. Whenever I'm in a good mood or feeling particularly connected to my higher-self and the world around me, she manages to tear it down and have me feel disoriented, confused and starved for validation.
The first reading I got, didn't impress me and offered little information beyond that my element is "fire" and that's really all I got among the general statements it made.
So, my triangulation was fruitless. I didn't find any contradictions between them and I didn't find much in common, either, apart from my guide being a woman.
Oh yeah, the second reading said my guide also had a message to me. Something about milking a cow and that "he will know what that means" and I clearly don't.
Yeah.. so.. Fola just texted asking me to go upstairs to cuddle with her.
The slave obeys.
Talk to you soon blog.
Love you.
Now, I must learn to love myself.
Monday, May 14, 2018
Knock, And The Door Shall Open
Holy heck, blog. Has today been an intellectual and spiritual whirlwind of realizations for me.
A few days ago I had the impulse to message a Reddit user. All I did was see this one message, posted in a thread that was discussing astral projection, I believe. Perhaps that wasn't even the topic. Regardless, I had the compulsion to message this fellow because there was something to the way he wrote his words that strongly resonated with me. On one level, it felt as if I was seeing myself. Another version of my own mind, right there in words. It wasn't the contents of his message that gripped me, but rather the way his mind structured the words. It reminded me of something primordial, almost archetypal, and it seemed like he was a fellow comrade that I needed to tip my hat towards.
So, I did just that, sent him a message, and the flood gates opened.
We have only exchanged three messages since then, but each were jam-packed full of information about our mutual interests. Egypt, astral projection, UFOs, the occult, magic, philosophy, etc, etc. I was overjoyed at how much was being reciprocated. I was further overjoyed, when I discovered that Brandon was only 26 years old. 26 and already thinking with clarity and maturity.
Hungry for information, I then fed it to him. All the stuff that came to my mind about UFOs, and Egypt and what have you.
And today, oh boy, did something ever happen.
He sent me a message this morning and I wrote a long reply to it, but Reddit had a character limit so I then offered my email address. Haven't heard back from him yet. But, what really is interesting, is that around a month ago I had stumbled across a CIA document from 1983 that discussed the military application of the techniques that Robert Monroe of the Monroe Institute devised for achieving out of body experiences, astral projection, healing, and traversing dimensions outside of our physical reality.
Brandon, in his last message, told me about his interest in astral projection and mentioned Monroe. Gave me a link to a Hemi-Sync YouTube video, which I listened to while in bed a few hours ago. It made me woozy. I shall need to further experiment with it and do more research.
As I was reading his description about astral projection and why he was interested in achieving it, something hit me.
That document! From about a month ago, that CIA document of which I had only read a few pages of, was triggered in my mind and I went to my phone to see where I had placed it. At the time I downloaded it, I briefly skimmed the opening segment and filed it away thinking I would return to it at my convenience. It wasn't until Brandon mentioned Monroe, that I listened to his YouTube video and went to read the entirety of this paper.
And boy, did it ever fuck my noggin hard.
It was so good.
I have spent the past two hours looking at this "short" 29 page document of which two very important pages were missing, but nonetheless, I was amazed by all of it.
For one, it has confirmed some of the theories I have about God and the Universe. It made mention of the Torus, which is the theoretical shape of the universe. I remembered coming across the Torus somehow, and in a moment of psychosis, wrote it down in a notebook (since discarded during my trip to Toronto last year). I stated with absolute confidence, that this is the shape of the universe. I had seen this in a dream. I am aware of seven dimensions and an 8th that encompasses it all into a whole. I had envisioned this shape, this Torus, and didn't know what it was until coming across it by random chance on a Wikipedia page. While the Torus I saw didn't quite match what the paper detailed, it was very close. Mine looked vaguely like an hourglass enclosed within a sphere, webbed with lines of energy and "dots" which seemed to move around the entire structure. Yesterday, I had read an article about 10 insights gained from an Ayahuasca experience, and one of those insights talked about, was how "dots" represented "love". Perhaps this is what I had seen. Love flowing all around and within the universe.
That was insight #1, the Torus. Incredible. And still amazing that I met Brandon, and he "triggered" me to remember I had this document on Monroe techniques and their evaluation. It is an awesome bit of synchroncity and I am excited to tell him about it once he emails me back.
Second insight, is that this paper pretty well "proves" the viability of astral-projection, and it further proves the existence of God. It really cemented some of the ideas I've had, and it solved a question I had been wondering about for a while. That question is what happens when we "reach" God after traversing/evolving through the seven dimensions? The answer it proposes, is that we merge with him. I had considered merging in the past and believed it, but I was somewhat frightened about the idea of losing my identity while doing so. This paper laid that fear to rest, and described that a soul would still have its autonomy and independence, but it would not be able to "create" or direct its "will". That was an interesting observation. So, while I would "merge" with this universal consciousness, I would not lose who I am as an individual. I however, would relinquish my will and powers of creation, in order to become an observer. That is what this paper suggested.
An observer. Would I be content with that? As I thought about this, I began to imagine myself being like the Sun. It doesn't actually "create" or "will" anything. It simply radiates its essence out to creation. To those that can create and will for themselves. It is likely aware of everything that it shines upon, in darkness and in light; but it has no capacity to really do anything other than what it does.
I don't know. Could I be content with a life like that? Then again, perhaps this total information and ultimate perception is an addictive and satisfying way of being. Imagine knowing everything about anyone and everything that is happening within the solar system or the galaxy. That is true knowledge. Ultimate perception. Perhaps it would be a wild thing to experience. Even if the Sun would be alive for millions of years... And yet, wouldn't there be much loneliness? Is knowledge enough? I don't know, but I will continue to be thinking about this.
Other ideas in the paper... Man.. THREE SECTIONS ARE MISSING. I was really on the edge of my seat, leaning into my phone as I followed section #34, which ended in explaining the Holy Trinity, I had always seen it as "Father/Son/Mother" or, "Yin/Yang/Inbetween"
Just Googled Yin/Yang to see if there was a word describing the separation between the two, as I vaguely recall that there is. Haven't found it yet, but I did find this lovely quote:
The Way begot one,
And the one, two;
Then the two begot three
And three, all else.
Another version of the Holy Trinity.
Mother/Father/Child.
The paper I was engrossed in, described "God" in secular terms and called it "The Absolute". It then described how the "son" was created, which is the Absolute projecting a portion of itself out, and then later being able to perceive it. Unfortunately, that is when the missing sections occurred, and I was not able to see what came about the third aspect of the Trinity. Which was such a cliffhanger and a let-down, as I hoovered up all this data.
It was an intense paper. Lots of care was put into the science behind it, and it really did focus on the viability of remote viewing/OBEs for military application. It concluded that it was viable, but required a lot of work to achieve. In 1983!! Imagine... Imagine if the commander who this paper was presented towards, decided that yes, this was a project worth undertaking. Let's get it going.
And it is now 2018. 35 years later.
35 years ago, this program could have been in operation.
In 35 years, so much progress may have been made. 35 years could also have meant a greater refinement of the Monroe techniques. 35 years means... Shit, it means that the military, or the CIA or whatever "shadow" Government with access to the program/data, could have acquired a lot of interesting information during that time. About how the universe works, and what our function is and ... God knows what else.
Aliens. Dammit. If this paper is indicative of the care and effort into researching strange phenomena and odd ideas; I really want to see the paper on aliens.
And whatever else that is being kept from me.
Makes me wonder if I would actually consent to giving up my power to choose and to use my will in order to gain the sum of all knowledge. I still don't know about that yet.
Perhaps I would have to be given a brief taste, before deciding.
And the rest of the paper.. It CONFIRMS THE LAW OF ATTRACTION. Theoretically, anyways. It doesn't actually offer real evidence, but it makes a sound theoretical case for thoughts being able to create reality. And this was decades before "the Secret" came out.
Shit. I really am a fool who thought himself wise whenever I argued with Fola about how to "correctly" use the "secret". I still have so much to learn. At the very least, my skepticism has moved from "confirmation bias" to "there is something here" and...
Man.. what else did I read about?
Healing. There is a good case being made for the ability to heal oneself. And there is an indirect case made for Reiki. I can't believe it. I am a fool for doubting Fola. She is on the right track with what she is doing.
Even if she doesn't understand it on an intellectual level or how best to use it.
And now, I am beginning to understand it.
Yin/Yang... Man...
I am slowly getting it. I am the rational guy that wants to believe and somewhat sorta does. She is the intuitive gal that definitely believes, but cannot explain it in terms that make it believable to others.
What a couple we make.
I am getting it. I am learning. My God...
And I had another insight earlier while reading this document. I know what my function is in our relationship.
I must bring order to chaos.
She is chaos. Chaotic, and it is my duty to balance it out. To organize it. To keep it from going to the extreme.
And in turn, she will keep me on edge with her intensity. Always providing me with things to organize and mull over.
I see it as knowledge. Organized knowledge. She is the accumulator. The gatherer, and I am the one who has to make sense of it all. So that others who are logically-minded, can benefit. Reason must not be sacrificed for intuition, and neither should intuition for reason. That balance is so crucial and it is an important goal to have and to teach once realized.
Balance. I just ordered a book called "Balancing Magic with Reason" and I already have "The Breakdown of Consciousness in the Bicameral mind" which proposes humanity having lived by the consciousness of God, and not by their own volition, thousands of years ago. That first book came to my attention by random chance today also.
This makes so much sense. I have to hold onto my skepticism and rely upon rationality, but to also keep an open mind and not wave away the craziness she often reports on. Such as feeling vibrations, and... visions...
She is crazy. And it is my job to keep her rational. To promote rationality.
And it is her job to promote and demonstrate faith.
I get it now.
What a couple we make. And we aren't talking. Last night I sent her two emails. One of them angry, the other more restrained. I said a bunch of things. Wanted to explain why I was angry at her last week (being called a molester, indirectly) and... the other email... well, it was more fatherly, I suppose. I can't quite remember everything I said in it. Lots of expressions of disappointment. Not stuff she would appreciate, I'm sure. Haven't heard back on any of those.
Oh, and she posted a video talking about us. About Twin Flames. I...
Yeah. I don't know.
I keep going between true Twin Flame and false Twin Flame, and... It makes sense that a true TF would help you to grow. You can't grow when you are comfortable and in deep synchroncity with someone, that conflict rarely arises between the two of you. That's what bliss is for. That happily ever after ending is not going to help anyone to evolve. It's nice to have, but it has to be earned.
And I feel that this is that process of improving ourselves and earning that outcome. In a way, she is my false Twin Flame that is preparing me for my true one. I think I am solving this riddle. All that pain and anger between us is necessary for us to grow. To evolve. And once we do, in this life, than I imagine we will be meeting our happily ever after, in the next one.
Or perhaps, it will be us. Maybe, once we evolve, we will become the happily ever after in the next life.
I don't know.
Maybe even in this one...
But, I do know that there is something going on with the world today. Some kind of consciousness raising effort is taking place. I am having these insights. Earlier today I imagined myself as a kind of ...
Man, never mind about that part.
We'll see.
And.. Yeah... I don't know what is going to happen with Fola and I right now. I don't think our drama is over with. I just hope it ends well.
I do hope for us to get back together and to be able to get along.
Yeah... I miss her. And I am also seeing the value of us spending time apart.
I get it now.
I just...
You know.. It really does come down to trusting God. Even if I never see her again, I have to accept that this was the divine plan for me. I don't like the idea of being lonely and unloved the rest of my days, but...
I don't like the but... even if this is all temporary, I still want to be loved. In this life. By someone like her.
And I would love her in turn.
I still do.
And... fuck, man. I am a dog begging at the table for scraps. Scraps that taste so good when I receive them.
And I suspect she... expects something of me. I think... I have to figure this part out. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I do remember what she was attracted towards when we first met.
Being in my own power. Taking charge. Making decisions.
Bringing order out of chaos.
Leading the way by my own light.
I must learn to take charge.
I must become a man.
I must fulfill my role in all this.
And so does she.
I hope God has this plan for us in this life.
I...
I love her.
I love Him. Or It.
I am starting to see the Truth of all that there is. It only took a few decades.
And I am not likely to completely realize all that I wish to know in this lifetime, and that's fine. I have acquired a satisfying amount of pieces to play with.
For now.
I must make use of this wisdom I have been given.
I must create the reality I desire.
I said in my last post, that only when I stop trying, can I admit to having failed.
I know what my desires are.
I will bring them into being.
No matter how much it hurts.
Because...
God is on my side.
And so are my spirits.
Thank you.
Carl.
If that is your real name.
😉44
A few days ago I had the impulse to message a Reddit user. All I did was see this one message, posted in a thread that was discussing astral projection, I believe. Perhaps that wasn't even the topic. Regardless, I had the compulsion to message this fellow because there was something to the way he wrote his words that strongly resonated with me. On one level, it felt as if I was seeing myself. Another version of my own mind, right there in words. It wasn't the contents of his message that gripped me, but rather the way his mind structured the words. It reminded me of something primordial, almost archetypal, and it seemed like he was a fellow comrade that I needed to tip my hat towards.
So, I did just that, sent him a message, and the flood gates opened.
We have only exchanged three messages since then, but each were jam-packed full of information about our mutual interests. Egypt, astral projection, UFOs, the occult, magic, philosophy, etc, etc. I was overjoyed at how much was being reciprocated. I was further overjoyed, when I discovered that Brandon was only 26 years old. 26 and already thinking with clarity and maturity.
Hungry for information, I then fed it to him. All the stuff that came to my mind about UFOs, and Egypt and what have you.
And today, oh boy, did something ever happen.
He sent me a message this morning and I wrote a long reply to it, but Reddit had a character limit so I then offered my email address. Haven't heard back from him yet. But, what really is interesting, is that around a month ago I had stumbled across a CIA document from 1983 that discussed the military application of the techniques that Robert Monroe of the Monroe Institute devised for achieving out of body experiences, astral projection, healing, and traversing dimensions outside of our physical reality.
Brandon, in his last message, told me about his interest in astral projection and mentioned Monroe. Gave me a link to a Hemi-Sync YouTube video, which I listened to while in bed a few hours ago. It made me woozy. I shall need to further experiment with it and do more research.
As I was reading his description about astral projection and why he was interested in achieving it, something hit me.
That document! From about a month ago, that CIA document of which I had only read a few pages of, was triggered in my mind and I went to my phone to see where I had placed it. At the time I downloaded it, I briefly skimmed the opening segment and filed it away thinking I would return to it at my convenience. It wasn't until Brandon mentioned Monroe, that I listened to his YouTube video and went to read the entirety of this paper.
And boy, did it ever fuck my noggin hard.
It was so good.
I have spent the past two hours looking at this "short" 29 page document of which two very important pages were missing, but nonetheless, I was amazed by all of it.
For one, it has confirmed some of the theories I have about God and the Universe. It made mention of the Torus, which is the theoretical shape of the universe. I remembered coming across the Torus somehow, and in a moment of psychosis, wrote it down in a notebook (since discarded during my trip to Toronto last year). I stated with absolute confidence, that this is the shape of the universe. I had seen this in a dream. I am aware of seven dimensions and an 8th that encompasses it all into a whole. I had envisioned this shape, this Torus, and didn't know what it was until coming across it by random chance on a Wikipedia page. While the Torus I saw didn't quite match what the paper detailed, it was very close. Mine looked vaguely like an hourglass enclosed within a sphere, webbed with lines of energy and "dots" which seemed to move around the entire structure. Yesterday, I had read an article about 10 insights gained from an Ayahuasca experience, and one of those insights talked about, was how "dots" represented "love". Perhaps this is what I had seen. Love flowing all around and within the universe.
That was insight #1, the Torus. Incredible. And still amazing that I met Brandon, and he "triggered" me to remember I had this document on Monroe techniques and their evaluation. It is an awesome bit of synchroncity and I am excited to tell him about it once he emails me back.
Second insight, is that this paper pretty well "proves" the viability of astral-projection, and it further proves the existence of God. It really cemented some of the ideas I've had, and it solved a question I had been wondering about for a while. That question is what happens when we "reach" God after traversing/evolving through the seven dimensions? The answer it proposes, is that we merge with him. I had considered merging in the past and believed it, but I was somewhat frightened about the idea of losing my identity while doing so. This paper laid that fear to rest, and described that a soul would still have its autonomy and independence, but it would not be able to "create" or direct its "will". That was an interesting observation. So, while I would "merge" with this universal consciousness, I would not lose who I am as an individual. I however, would relinquish my will and powers of creation, in order to become an observer. That is what this paper suggested.
An observer. Would I be content with that? As I thought about this, I began to imagine myself being like the Sun. It doesn't actually "create" or "will" anything. It simply radiates its essence out to creation. To those that can create and will for themselves. It is likely aware of everything that it shines upon, in darkness and in light; but it has no capacity to really do anything other than what it does.
I don't know. Could I be content with a life like that? Then again, perhaps this total information and ultimate perception is an addictive and satisfying way of being. Imagine knowing everything about anyone and everything that is happening within the solar system or the galaxy. That is true knowledge. Ultimate perception. Perhaps it would be a wild thing to experience. Even if the Sun would be alive for millions of years... And yet, wouldn't there be much loneliness? Is knowledge enough? I don't know, but I will continue to be thinking about this.
Other ideas in the paper... Man.. THREE SECTIONS ARE MISSING. I was really on the edge of my seat, leaning into my phone as I followed section #34, which ended in explaining the Holy Trinity, I had always seen it as "Father/Son/Mother" or, "Yin/Yang/Inbetween"
Just Googled Yin/Yang to see if there was a word describing the separation between the two, as I vaguely recall that there is. Haven't found it yet, but I did find this lovely quote:
The Way begot one,
And the one, two;
Then the two begot three
And three, all else.
Another version of the Holy Trinity.
Mother/Father/Child.
The paper I was engrossed in, described "God" in secular terms and called it "The Absolute". It then described how the "son" was created, which is the Absolute projecting a portion of itself out, and then later being able to perceive it. Unfortunately, that is when the missing sections occurred, and I was not able to see what came about the third aspect of the Trinity. Which was such a cliffhanger and a let-down, as I hoovered up all this data.
It was an intense paper. Lots of care was put into the science behind it, and it really did focus on the viability of remote viewing/OBEs for military application. It concluded that it was viable, but required a lot of work to achieve. In 1983!! Imagine... Imagine if the commander who this paper was presented towards, decided that yes, this was a project worth undertaking. Let's get it going.
And it is now 2018. 35 years later.
35 years ago, this program could have been in operation.
In 35 years, so much progress may have been made. 35 years could also have meant a greater refinement of the Monroe techniques. 35 years means... Shit, it means that the military, or the CIA or whatever "shadow" Government with access to the program/data, could have acquired a lot of interesting information during that time. About how the universe works, and what our function is and ... God knows what else.
Aliens. Dammit. If this paper is indicative of the care and effort into researching strange phenomena and odd ideas; I really want to see the paper on aliens.
And whatever else that is being kept from me.
Makes me wonder if I would actually consent to giving up my power to choose and to use my will in order to gain the sum of all knowledge. I still don't know about that yet.
Perhaps I would have to be given a brief taste, before deciding.
And the rest of the paper.. It CONFIRMS THE LAW OF ATTRACTION. Theoretically, anyways. It doesn't actually offer real evidence, but it makes a sound theoretical case for thoughts being able to create reality. And this was decades before "the Secret" came out.
Shit. I really am a fool who thought himself wise whenever I argued with Fola about how to "correctly" use the "secret". I still have so much to learn. At the very least, my skepticism has moved from "confirmation bias" to "there is something here" and...
Man.. what else did I read about?
Healing. There is a good case being made for the ability to heal oneself. And there is an indirect case made for Reiki. I can't believe it. I am a fool for doubting Fola. She is on the right track with what she is doing.
Even if she doesn't understand it on an intellectual level or how best to use it.
And now, I am beginning to understand it.
Yin/Yang... Man...
I am slowly getting it. I am the rational guy that wants to believe and somewhat sorta does. She is the intuitive gal that definitely believes, but cannot explain it in terms that make it believable to others.
What a couple we make.
I am getting it. I am learning. My God...
And I had another insight earlier while reading this document. I know what my function is in our relationship.
I must bring order to chaos.
She is chaos. Chaotic, and it is my duty to balance it out. To organize it. To keep it from going to the extreme.
And in turn, she will keep me on edge with her intensity. Always providing me with things to organize and mull over.
I see it as knowledge. Organized knowledge. She is the accumulator. The gatherer, and I am the one who has to make sense of it all. So that others who are logically-minded, can benefit. Reason must not be sacrificed for intuition, and neither should intuition for reason. That balance is so crucial and it is an important goal to have and to teach once realized.
Balance. I just ordered a book called "Balancing Magic with Reason" and I already have "The Breakdown of Consciousness in the Bicameral mind" which proposes humanity having lived by the consciousness of God, and not by their own volition, thousands of years ago. That first book came to my attention by random chance today also.
This makes so much sense. I have to hold onto my skepticism and rely upon rationality, but to also keep an open mind and not wave away the craziness she often reports on. Such as feeling vibrations, and... visions...
She is crazy. And it is my job to keep her rational. To promote rationality.
And it is her job to promote and demonstrate faith.
I get it now.
What a couple we make. And we aren't talking. Last night I sent her two emails. One of them angry, the other more restrained. I said a bunch of things. Wanted to explain why I was angry at her last week (being called a molester, indirectly) and... the other email... well, it was more fatherly, I suppose. I can't quite remember everything I said in it. Lots of expressions of disappointment. Not stuff she would appreciate, I'm sure. Haven't heard back on any of those.
Oh, and she posted a video talking about us. About Twin Flames. I...
Yeah. I don't know.
I keep going between true Twin Flame and false Twin Flame, and... It makes sense that a true TF would help you to grow. You can't grow when you are comfortable and in deep synchroncity with someone, that conflict rarely arises between the two of you. That's what bliss is for. That happily ever after ending is not going to help anyone to evolve. It's nice to have, but it has to be earned.
And I feel that this is that process of improving ourselves and earning that outcome. In a way, she is my false Twin Flame that is preparing me for my true one. I think I am solving this riddle. All that pain and anger between us is necessary for us to grow. To evolve. And once we do, in this life, than I imagine we will be meeting our happily ever after, in the next one.
Or perhaps, it will be us. Maybe, once we evolve, we will become the happily ever after in the next life.
I don't know.
Maybe even in this one...
But, I do know that there is something going on with the world today. Some kind of consciousness raising effort is taking place. I am having these insights. Earlier today I imagined myself as a kind of ...
Man, never mind about that part.
We'll see.
And.. Yeah... I don't know what is going to happen with Fola and I right now. I don't think our drama is over with. I just hope it ends well.
I do hope for us to get back together and to be able to get along.
Yeah... I miss her. And I am also seeing the value of us spending time apart.
I get it now.
I just...
You know.. It really does come down to trusting God. Even if I never see her again, I have to accept that this was the divine plan for me. I don't like the idea of being lonely and unloved the rest of my days, but...
I don't like the but... even if this is all temporary, I still want to be loved. In this life. By someone like her.
And I would love her in turn.
I still do.
And... fuck, man. I am a dog begging at the table for scraps. Scraps that taste so good when I receive them.
And I suspect she... expects something of me. I think... I have to figure this part out. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I do remember what she was attracted towards when we first met.
Being in my own power. Taking charge. Making decisions.
Bringing order out of chaos.
Leading the way by my own light.
I must learn to take charge.
I must become a man.
I must fulfill my role in all this.
And so does she.
I hope God has this plan for us in this life.
I...
I love her.
I love Him. Or It.
I am starting to see the Truth of all that there is. It only took a few decades.
And I am not likely to completely realize all that I wish to know in this lifetime, and that's fine. I have acquired a satisfying amount of pieces to play with.
For now.
I must make use of this wisdom I have been given.
I must create the reality I desire.
I said in my last post, that only when I stop trying, can I admit to having failed.
I know what my desires are.
I will bring them into being.
No matter how much it hurts.
Because...
God is on my side.
And so are my spirits.
Thank you.
Carl.
If that is your real name.
😉44
Thursday, May 10, 2018
The Adept and the Imp
Inspired last week by the story The Adept and the Imp; I came to realize a few important Truths in my journey towards God.
Occult Mysteries is a website that has a number of articles pertaining to the Occult, what it is, what it can be used for and how one may come to distinguish between Truth and falsehood.
My mind has been orbiting around this website since I had read the above story. There have been some pet-theories popping into my brain causing me to question the relationship I have been in with Fola.
Teacher and student. Master and disciple. Adept and initiate.
I'm... not entirely comfortable calling myself a Master by any means or stretch of the imagination, but I am acknowledging the teacher aspect of the equation.
She is willing to defer the responsibility of rational thinking and direction to a "higher" authority, which can mean shamans, gurus, psychics and YouTube personalities. That suggests a student mentality where she doesn't question, test, or come to conclusions on her own. Her joining and then withdrawing from the OTO, is proof of that.
I'm tired right now, blog. Have to go to work soon. Not really feeling it. Weather is gloomy out there and I'm feeling aches in my left elbow and a stiff neck with a stiff back. It's hard work, what I do for a living, and... it can be demoralizing as well, sometimes.
But, Occult Mysteries has given me a ray of hope. One of the articles I most liked on that site, is the one about trusting in God. No matter what may befall you. It echoes the article I wrote on Medium a few days ago, about boosting prayer.
I must heed onto the words that I speak, for they are empty and hollow if I do not live my life by the teachings I promote.
And so, I am... in flux. I feel... I miss her.
I miss Fola... and my heart is... telling me to... wait.
Just wait.
I believe that if she is serious about us. If she really wants to become a part of my life, then there are conditions to be met that she needs to adhere towards. Non-negotiable conditions. Such as respect, and honor and concern and selflessness.
If she is willing and serious, then I can only wait, and see what she will do to express her commitment to me. To us. Because, I cannot dictate it for her. She has to come to do that of her own volition. I will not make her. I will not instruct her.
Unless she asks me to.
But, she has to ask. She has to truly believe that there is much for the two of us to still do together. To learn and grow and become happy and more in our own power. To become the best each of us can be.
Teacher and pupil, alike.
So, blog. I am tired. I am weary. I am...
I am.
And I must learn to accept that.
That this is how things must be. For now. Until God instructs me otherwise.
Until I am directed elsewhere.
I have been directed before, and I will be directed again,
Right now, I can only wait. Even though it is painful.
Even though I think of her often. Negatively.
Maybe I should think of the good between us instead.
The way we'd lie next to each other in bed.
Looking into each other's eyes.
Sex.
Candles.
Touching.
Kissing.
...
I am not feeling particularly verbose today. I don't have much thoughts that I feel need to be written down and at the same time, I have a lot to write about.
But I am not feeling inspired enough to do so.
Therefore, I must wait.
Until...
The time is right.
Occult Mysteries is a website that has a number of articles pertaining to the Occult, what it is, what it can be used for and how one may come to distinguish between Truth and falsehood.
My mind has been orbiting around this website since I had read the above story. There have been some pet-theories popping into my brain causing me to question the relationship I have been in with Fola.
Teacher and student. Master and disciple. Adept and initiate.
I'm... not entirely comfortable calling myself a Master by any means or stretch of the imagination, but I am acknowledging the teacher aspect of the equation.
She is willing to defer the responsibility of rational thinking and direction to a "higher" authority, which can mean shamans, gurus, psychics and YouTube personalities. That suggests a student mentality where she doesn't question, test, or come to conclusions on her own. Her joining and then withdrawing from the OTO, is proof of that.
I'm tired right now, blog. Have to go to work soon. Not really feeling it. Weather is gloomy out there and I'm feeling aches in my left elbow and a stiff neck with a stiff back. It's hard work, what I do for a living, and... it can be demoralizing as well, sometimes.
But, Occult Mysteries has given me a ray of hope. One of the articles I most liked on that site, is the one about trusting in God. No matter what may befall you. It echoes the article I wrote on Medium a few days ago, about boosting prayer.
I must heed onto the words that I speak, for they are empty and hollow if I do not live my life by the teachings I promote.
And so, I am... in flux. I feel... I miss her.
I miss Fola... and my heart is... telling me to... wait.
Just wait.
I believe that if she is serious about us. If she really wants to become a part of my life, then there are conditions to be met that she needs to adhere towards. Non-negotiable conditions. Such as respect, and honor and concern and selflessness.
If she is willing and serious, then I can only wait, and see what she will do to express her commitment to me. To us. Because, I cannot dictate it for her. She has to come to do that of her own volition. I will not make her. I will not instruct her.
Unless she asks me to.
But, she has to ask. She has to truly believe that there is much for the two of us to still do together. To learn and grow and become happy and more in our own power. To become the best each of us can be.
Teacher and pupil, alike.
So, blog. I am tired. I am weary. I am...
I am.
And I must learn to accept that.
That this is how things must be. For now. Until God instructs me otherwise.
Until I am directed elsewhere.
I have been directed before, and I will be directed again,
Right now, I can only wait. Even though it is painful.
Even though I think of her often. Negatively.
Maybe I should think of the good between us instead.
The way we'd lie next to each other in bed.
Looking into each other's eyes.
Sex.
Candles.
Touching.
Kissing.
...
I am not feeling particularly verbose today. I don't have much thoughts that I feel need to be written down and at the same time, I have a lot to write about.
But I am not feeling inspired enough to do so.
Therefore, I must wait.
Until...
The time is right.
Wednesday, May 09, 2018
Strings Still Attached
The pull is strong today. I am resisting it, and it's difficult.
Wanted to text her this:
http://www.occult-mysteries.org/occult-faq.html
But she likely won't care, or learn from any of it.
Wanted to send her this:
But, she'll probably read the lyrics the wrong way. And besides, it's a song for me, anyways.
All Together (B-Side)
Over the rainbow,
out over the lawn,
stretch out on this sleepless bed
and wait for your kingdom come.
Over the night-glow,
out under the stars,
a whole life to get perfect bliss,
just hanging on.
See, we've been nothing for far too long,
and I've been wondering what went wrong,
and, baby, if you can put me all together.
Out over the night-glow,
out over our loss,
a quiet to eat the world and
rest in strangers' arms.
See, we've been nothing for far too long
i've been wondering what went wrong
and, baby, if you can put me all together
...
Life goes on. More difficult than before.
But...
I don't know.
This is how it has to be.
Tuesday, May 08, 2018
Moving on Without Moving
It's tough. Today I'm really thinking about her and it's been negative for the most part.
I suppose my mind is attempting to rationalize the outburst I let out on Saturday. I find that I have no shortage of reasons to not be with that woman, and I have very few to be with her.
But, those very few reasons seem to exert their own gravitational pull. I can't deny that I love her. I can't deny how good it feels to be with her. At times.
I cannot ignore how intense our connection was, and still is, as I sit on the green grass leaning up against a large rock at Hermitage park.
It's a beautiful day outside. One that would be made better if I could spend it with someone worthwhile.
Someone who smiles at me with a twinkle in their eyes. Who reaches for my hand, or my arm, and leans over for a meaningful kiss.
Part of what this breakup difficult, is that I sometimes had close approximations of those feelings with her. Sometimes it was just right, and felt so good, that I miss being with her. To occasionally partake of such moments.
Ocassionally. Because it's rare. Rare moments that are not unlike the dog under the dining room table waiting patiently for scraps.
And I am not a dog.
I no longer consent to being treated like one.
And I think of her. What she is doing and feeling and thinking, and I feel this sad unknowing that it's either good or bad. But likely bad... I think...
What we've shared together, will stick in our memories and hearts. My anger will also. And I do not know if she will accept responsibility or if she will brush it all away and continue going on making poor choices and following "signs" as she further corrupts her already corrupted self.
I love that woman, but I no longer can stand idly by and watch her destroy herself in the false pursuit of truth.
Which is tattooed on her wrist. This slogan that is hypocritically and permanently marked upon her.
Let Truth be her guide. Her intuition has proven itself wrong many times before, and I pray that something now will have changed. I pray she will realize the error of her ways. I pray for her to understand and know the difference between falsehood and fact, of good and evil. To know integrity and to honour that which is most important.
Love.
Money will not buy her love.
The OTO will not give her wisdom.
Angels, Ascended Masters, psychics, shamans and YouTube personalities will not grant her Truth.
It has to come from within herself. Not from outside.
Not even from me. All I can do is point the way. I cannot control her.
Though she often has told me she desires just that. And that is the lazy way out. That is the deflection of responsibility.
For she must achieve such glories and realizations on her own.
I love her.
I love you Fola.
But you must fix yourself.
You must try.
Listen to the voice within and reason with it once it speaks.
Then. And only then can you make the choice to fly with your heart, once you've discerned truth being spoken and not lies. Not false promises.
Once you decide to surrender to love and make that your highest priority, everything else will fall into place.
I believe in you. This is possible. Even if it may be very difficult to do.
If you believe in my love for you, you will try.
If you do not, then you shall remain the same.
Until the next we meet.
In this life or the next.
Veritas lux mea.
Truth is your light.
Monday, May 07, 2018
Done.
We're done. Finished. I know, this has been said before and it is being said again.
But this time I think it'll stick.
After my last blog entry, I went to work and suffered the silence of not voicing out the indignations and feelings I was having to Fola. She then picked up on something and asked what was wrong. I told her I was dealing with insecurities and annoyances and that they'll pass. She then said I could talk to her about whatever was bothering me, and I refused, knowing that she will only get on the defensive and start making excuses for the grievances I would have aired.
When I chanced to send her a text saying that I still felt upset about her accusation, her "fear" that she shared with me, she wrote back with this:
"I like it when you said you wouldn't. I knew you would."
And I blew up. I took her message as meaning that she liked how I said I wouldn't molest her daughter, but KNEW that I would anyways."
Really blew up. I phoned her when I read that message. At 2:15am. She didn't pick up and I left a voicemail. She then texted with "whats wrong" and I unloaded on her.
She brushed off my concerns. Giving me a weak reply and then ended with a "night" while she went back to sleep.
I had enough. Spent the rest of my shift trying not to be upset when everything was going wrong with the job I was doing. Ridiculously so, as if the Gods were intent on breaking me down into little pieces.
But, I held strong. Made it through, and when I got my tea and sat in the car after work looking at her messages. I unloaded.
I really unloaded.
Everything that I had been keeping to myself was revealed. I didn't care about her feelings anymore She didn't care or respect mine, so why should I?
Told her she was crazy. She... Man.. there were too many messages I sent at around 5:30 am. I think I sent a couple dozen of them.
Everything held back was revealed.
And... I ended it with the words, "another time, another life"
Sent her the blog entry I wrote on Friday.
And blocked her.
She wasn't going to write back with anything meaningful. She was not going to say sorry. She was only going to be making excuses.
And be dismissive of my concerns.
Like she has been in the past.
So, its over.
With the way I was feeling after all this, I called in sick Saturday and went to Elk Island park. Tried to feel with my heart. Spent time watching people play on the beach and then moved my car to a spot where I could be alone. Watched the sun set. Cried a bit, and then moved elsewhere.
I found a barn, and no one was around. Went there. Sat for a bit. Cried.
Got home. Sobbed every so often.
And.. Sunday was better. Didn't think I cried once. Felt more angry than anything. Told my mom about what happened, and how that if she can't trust me after a year and a half, if she can't believe my love for her is genuine, if she actually thinks I could molest her daughter; then, there is no point to any of this. She won't trust me. And to me, that is a deal breaker.
I've always wanted the best for her. For us, and she sabotages the relationship in the most innovative and clever of ways. Each week there is something new she does that kills the momentum we've built up. This week was her "fears", last week was messaging her ex, the week before was the OTO, and so on and so on.
She is... On her own now.
She won't listen to me, therefore, I shall not be listening to her.
She won't trust me or to work towards making me feel loved and appreciated, I shall do none of these for her also.
She gives me shit for possibly messaging a woman, but continues messaging guys, going as far as putting a heart next to their comments on Facebook and a thumbs up next to my comment.
We're done. She doesn't know what love requires or is made up of.
All she wants to do is take.
Make promises she won't keep.
Disrespect me. Will take the advice of YouTube personalities, gurus, shamans, witch doctors and psychics but will not listen to my advice. Will not take it seriously.
I'm done.
If she can't listen to the one that loves her, if she has to look to YouTube people and Shamans and members of a devil-worshipping cult for answers; then she has made her own bed and will have to lay in it.
I have done enough.
I will not consort with evil any longer.
Her daughter's birthday is coming up. I feel like I should go. Ivy is blameless in all this, and I wouldn't mind seeing her once more before I well and truly pull the plug.
I know I am saying this is done, and... I don't know what to expect next. Am I going to fall again for her? Will we be back together again?
Not anytime soon.
Only time will tell.
Another time, another life.
If not later on in this one, than the next one.
I have to work on myself again. I have to... learn certain things about who I am and where I am going. I can't do this when someone is drowning next to me and I have to work to keep them aloft in addition to myself.
Let her drown. Its apparently what she wants to do. Learn the hard way. Walk towards evil and fear and New Age bullshit that steers her every which way except towards the Truth.
Love is an important Truth.
She ignores that.
So...
Let her discover for herself what her mistakes are.
And let her work upon them. Without my influence or intervention.
I love that woman. I don't know why but I do.
And I know she loves me. But there is something preventing her from fully expressing it.
I don't know what that would be.
But, that's not for me to worry about any longer.
I have loved her as well as I could. I have tried, and my patience has run out.
There is only so much disrespect and abuse I can take.
...
And I became angry at her. I didn't like it, but I realize that I had to. She needed to wake up. She won't respond to love, but will respond to anger.
So, anger it is.
...
I did not make a mistake doing what I did. A compassionate individual might think that I shouldn't have gotten angry at all. That I should be sympathetic and empathetic and whatever else.
But, those are qualities that not everyone needs or respect, in order to change themselves.
Sometimes anger is necessary. The emotion can be used for good or bad purposes.
And I feel that I have used it for good.
Well blog...
The journey continues.
I am alone again.
My heart is warm right now.
That means something.
I remember.
I remember how it was.
The heart glows for a reason.
...
Maybe someday I'll figure this out.
I want to join the Secret Order.
But I am not ready.
I will be.
Soon as I get over all this.
Soon as I forgive myself.
And her.
Then.
I will press forward.
And realize the best of who I am.
But this time I think it'll stick.
After my last blog entry, I went to work and suffered the silence of not voicing out the indignations and feelings I was having to Fola. She then picked up on something and asked what was wrong. I told her I was dealing with insecurities and annoyances and that they'll pass. She then said I could talk to her about whatever was bothering me, and I refused, knowing that she will only get on the defensive and start making excuses for the grievances I would have aired.
When I chanced to send her a text saying that I still felt upset about her accusation, her "fear" that she shared with me, she wrote back with this:
"I like it when you said you wouldn't. I knew you would."
And I blew up. I took her message as meaning that she liked how I said I wouldn't molest her daughter, but KNEW that I would anyways."
Really blew up. I phoned her when I read that message. At 2:15am. She didn't pick up and I left a voicemail. She then texted with "whats wrong" and I unloaded on her.
She brushed off my concerns. Giving me a weak reply and then ended with a "night" while she went back to sleep.
I had enough. Spent the rest of my shift trying not to be upset when everything was going wrong with the job I was doing. Ridiculously so, as if the Gods were intent on breaking me down into little pieces.
But, I held strong. Made it through, and when I got my tea and sat in the car after work looking at her messages. I unloaded.
I really unloaded.
Everything that I had been keeping to myself was revealed. I didn't care about her feelings anymore She didn't care or respect mine, so why should I?
Told her she was crazy. She... Man.. there were too many messages I sent at around 5:30 am. I think I sent a couple dozen of them.
Everything held back was revealed.
And... I ended it with the words, "another time, another life"
Sent her the blog entry I wrote on Friday.
And blocked her.
She wasn't going to write back with anything meaningful. She was not going to say sorry. She was only going to be making excuses.
And be dismissive of my concerns.
Like she has been in the past.
So, its over.
With the way I was feeling after all this, I called in sick Saturday and went to Elk Island park. Tried to feel with my heart. Spent time watching people play on the beach and then moved my car to a spot where I could be alone. Watched the sun set. Cried a bit, and then moved elsewhere.
I found a barn, and no one was around. Went there. Sat for a bit. Cried.
Got home. Sobbed every so often.
And.. Sunday was better. Didn't think I cried once. Felt more angry than anything. Told my mom about what happened, and how that if she can't trust me after a year and a half, if she can't believe my love for her is genuine, if she actually thinks I could molest her daughter; then, there is no point to any of this. She won't trust me. And to me, that is a deal breaker.
I've always wanted the best for her. For us, and she sabotages the relationship in the most innovative and clever of ways. Each week there is something new she does that kills the momentum we've built up. This week was her "fears", last week was messaging her ex, the week before was the OTO, and so on and so on.
She is... On her own now.
She won't listen to me, therefore, I shall not be listening to her.
She won't trust me or to work towards making me feel loved and appreciated, I shall do none of these for her also.
She gives me shit for possibly messaging a woman, but continues messaging guys, going as far as putting a heart next to their comments on Facebook and a thumbs up next to my comment.
We're done. She doesn't know what love requires or is made up of.
All she wants to do is take.
Make promises she won't keep.
Disrespect me. Will take the advice of YouTube personalities, gurus, shamans, witch doctors and psychics but will not listen to my advice. Will not take it seriously.
I'm done.
If she can't listen to the one that loves her, if she has to look to YouTube people and Shamans and members of a devil-worshipping cult for answers; then she has made her own bed and will have to lay in it.
I have done enough.
I will not consort with evil any longer.
Her daughter's birthday is coming up. I feel like I should go. Ivy is blameless in all this, and I wouldn't mind seeing her once more before I well and truly pull the plug.
I know I am saying this is done, and... I don't know what to expect next. Am I going to fall again for her? Will we be back together again?
Not anytime soon.
Only time will tell.
Another time, another life.
If not later on in this one, than the next one.
I have to work on myself again. I have to... learn certain things about who I am and where I am going. I can't do this when someone is drowning next to me and I have to work to keep them aloft in addition to myself.
Let her drown. Its apparently what she wants to do. Learn the hard way. Walk towards evil and fear and New Age bullshit that steers her every which way except towards the Truth.
Love is an important Truth.
She ignores that.
So...
Let her discover for herself what her mistakes are.
And let her work upon them. Without my influence or intervention.
I love that woman. I don't know why but I do.
And I know she loves me. But there is something preventing her from fully expressing it.
I don't know what that would be.
But, that's not for me to worry about any longer.
I have loved her as well as I could. I have tried, and my patience has run out.
There is only so much disrespect and abuse I can take.
...
And I became angry at her. I didn't like it, but I realize that I had to. She needed to wake up. She won't respond to love, but will respond to anger.
So, anger it is.
...
I did not make a mistake doing what I did. A compassionate individual might think that I shouldn't have gotten angry at all. That I should be sympathetic and empathetic and whatever else.
But, those are qualities that not everyone needs or respect, in order to change themselves.
Sometimes anger is necessary. The emotion can be used for good or bad purposes.
And I feel that I have used it for good.
Well blog...
The journey continues.
I am alone again.
My heart is warm right now.
That means something.
I remember.
I remember how it was.
The heart glows for a reason.
...
Maybe someday I'll figure this out.
I want to join the Secret Order.
But I am not ready.
I will be.
Soon as I get over all this.
Soon as I forgive myself.
And her.
Then.
I will press forward.
And realize the best of who I am.
Friday, May 04, 2018
It Just Keeps Going
Hello blog, so many things to write about that I can't keep up with regular updates.
That woman is consuming me. One day she's hot, the next she's cold. We'll have momentum going between us for a few days, and then she'll do something that screeches it all to a halt and makes me not like her.
And then, as always, I end up loving her.
Yesterday had her inviting me over for dinner. She made this delicious lamb bolognese pasta which I was pretty impressed by. My favourite moment, however, had to do with ringing the doorbell and seeing the smile of her daughter Ivy as she answered. I gave her a quick tickle and a hug and all felt right in the world.
The rest of the time I spent there went well. Great food, had fun with Ivy and Fola and I spent quality time together, which was made easier by the fact that her sister Sade left a few minutes after I arrived to go to a softball game.
And as I'm leaving and driving to work, riding this high, feeling full of love and goodness and a happy stomach; I get this message from Fola about how she has these "fears" that I would do something to her daughter. Heavily implied it would be sexual.
There goes my good mood. Being subtley accused of having the potential to be a child molester, didn't leave me feeling very uplifted. I was pissed off. I love her daughter, and I love kids. Two hugs and a kiss on the cheek does not necessitate those fears she was having. More so when it is with me, because she's known me for a year and a half now. I thought it was a disgusting fear to vocalize to me, and I told her as much.
Blog, I am.. so fucking conflicted with this woman. Earlier today she was telling me about how she wants to take me on a trip someplace, and all I could think was: words, words, words.
No action. No surprises. Just throwing out words and trying to elicit certain feelings from me with their hollowness. As if those were welcome substitutes for, you know, actually planning a trip together. Or surprising me with one.
And then earlier today, she had something happen at McDonalds where she got free food from some girl named "Blessing" and suddenly she throws on her phone and records this live video on Facebook about how the Law of Attraction works, and that there's this vacuum that needs to be filled in order for riches to come into your life, etc etc. Yesterday she filmed a video on this topic as well, based on a book that I had the impulse to give her. She hardly mentions me in the video. Just this really quiet, "my partner gave me" comment that could barely be heard. No mention of me at all, really. No thanks given to me, which enabled this recent hyperactivity and excitement in her.
Not that I desire the credit, but I want to be appreciated. And I'm not. It's all about her, and things "magically" come to her. Anonymously, and without needing to be acknowledged.
What bothers me the most, is not only does she not credit me by name, but there's no mention of me on her Facebook. No pictures of us together, and she has this picture of her with some other guy on there.
I really don't feel loved by this woman. I don't. She takes me for granted, and I have to pull my hairs out at the stupid shit she does, like joining the OTO which she later tells me she's glad she didn't do.
But she would have, if I didn't raise a fuss about it. Again, not giving me credit, and basically making it sound like it was her own decision not to join. Despite the fact that she sent in a pre-enrollment application and enthusiastically asked me to "support" her decision. Which she kept secret from me until I asked questions about her meeting with those two guys from the group.
Fola does not have a good head on her shoulders. This morning as I was having my tea after work, I stumbled across my old friend Jerry Chan and I was surprised to see that not only did he marry the girl (Shawna) whom he met while we were still on good terms; but they also have a child together now, a boy, that came in this year.
I was really happy for him. Seeing the smile on his wife's face and his son and on his own, really caused this swelling in my heart. I still remember teasing him for being a virgin, and he ended up marrying the girl he lost his virginity towards. The second girlfriend he's ever had.
(sighs)
Humility. Fola has none of it. And when I looked at Jerry's wife's Facebook feed, I saw what was missing in my life.
Happiness. And a woman who appreciates and would want to be happy with me. Who can make me laugh, and whom I can make laugh also. I can't do this with Fola. She doesn't have anything but a cruel sense of sarcastic, dark humor. She can't have an intelligent conversation, either it seems. All the stuff she's "learning" I'm interested in, but she retains very little of it and doesn't have a good grasp on most of what she's passsionate about.
And she has the gall to be posting videos online about how awesome she is at manifesting things and "teaching" others to do the same. Her card says "manifestor" on it for Christ sake. That's not even a real word/
I'm embarsssed by this woman, to be honest. Every time she seems to make progress, her pride and ignorance appears to get the better of her. And when something small like free ice cream appears, she starts raving about how the "universe" "blessed" her.
It's madness. It's crazy. It's... boastful and prideful and ignorant.
In my opinion.
Whenever she gives "thanks" to the universe, I get annoyed. Because I think she is stripping it from the name it actually goes by.
God. The universe is God. Not "the universe" like its some impartial, unintelligent entity floating around in the ether. Able to grant wishes.
And she is absolutely power-mad. She really wants a Land Rover, and then tells me later that maybe chasing after a car is not what she should be doing. Then she messages me earlier today about, "I wonder what's my next ambition after I get my Land Rover", going back to wanting a damned car again.
Materialistic, and her spiritual side is...
Greedy. That's the right word. Her liked videos on YouTube is a testament to her OCD about all this stuff. Wanting to be a clairovoyant and seeing auras and healing people with her magical powers.
I truly am dating a crazy woman. A crazy woman with misguided faith and understanding.
I believe in all this stuff. I've manifested things before. I sense that I am on a path of some kind that has been predestined and arranged for me. By my own hand and by the hand of God and whatever else.
And I remain grateful for this opportunity. It stresses me the fuck out sometimes to be with Fola, but then there are times like yesterday, when everything feels perfect and exactly the way I'd like my life to be.
Until she sent me that message about her "fears".
God damn... I was going to say, God damn that woman, but that is harsh...
I want to believe she can change, and she has changed. But two steps forward, one step back, is a dance that frustrates the hell out of me.
Perhaps I need to place more focus on myself.
Spending too much time thinking about her and her antics that its crowding everything else out in my life. My own ambitions and creative and spiritual pursuits.
And clearly I am not all that important to her. Or maybe I am, but she has a terribly ignorant way of expressing it. Some questions in text gets flat out ignored. I am not mentioned or displayed anywhere on Facebook. She likely doesn't mention me to her friends and family all that much. She hasn't suggested I meet any of her friends since Ryan and Lenore. She talks about how she's willing to be "disowned" by her family should we be living together, but thats just talk.
Most of it is talk.
Time for doing, Fola.
It's time to prove your words.
You're a force of nature. A malestrom that topples homes and buildings as it spins wildly out of control on a path that you have little idea or awareness of. Whoops, there goes a mobile home, tore the roof right off and now there's a hole in the ground. Who cares? She didn't notice. And when I point out the consequences of her ignorant pride, she gets upset at my dragging her "vibration" down. Or she becomes distant and closed-off again.
I am having such a hard time keeping up with that woman.
But, for some reason, there is something valuable here. Lessons that appear to assist in evolving the two of us.
And for that, I continue to hold on to this tail as the beast spins me around wildly. From love to disgust, from respect to loathing. From pride, to shame.
Over and over and over again.
God, heed my words and heal that woman. Give me the strength and tools and wisdom to help make her into the woman she wants to be. With none of the pride and ego attached. Or as little of it as possible.
Have her be happy and proud to be with me. Have her be thankful for the things that I do for her and willing to reciprocate. Willing and demonstrating the apparent love she has for me.
And to find self-awareness and balance enough to be able to think straight. To make intelligent and informed decisions.
To help her find her way.
And to help me find mine, also.
Even though this feels like the right path for me at the moment, I am having my doubts.
So many doubts.
And I pray to you to dispel them from me. Or to move me onto someone more deserving.
I am your servant. I serve God, the Universe, the collective unconscious. Love.
I serve love. Even though it has been very difficult for me to do so. I continue to try.
And the trying is what matters. No matter how much I struggle.
No matter how sad I get.
No matter how badly I desire certain things in my life.
I have to keep trying.
For those that keep trying, they can never fail.
It is only when we stop trying, can we admit to having failed.
I will not fail.
I will rise triumphant.
And I will be as humble as possible when I do.
Thank you.
Amen.
That woman is consuming me. One day she's hot, the next she's cold. We'll have momentum going between us for a few days, and then she'll do something that screeches it all to a halt and makes me not like her.
And then, as always, I end up loving her.
Yesterday had her inviting me over for dinner. She made this delicious lamb bolognese pasta which I was pretty impressed by. My favourite moment, however, had to do with ringing the doorbell and seeing the smile of her daughter Ivy as she answered. I gave her a quick tickle and a hug and all felt right in the world.
The rest of the time I spent there went well. Great food, had fun with Ivy and Fola and I spent quality time together, which was made easier by the fact that her sister Sade left a few minutes after I arrived to go to a softball game.
And as I'm leaving and driving to work, riding this high, feeling full of love and goodness and a happy stomach; I get this message from Fola about how she has these "fears" that I would do something to her daughter. Heavily implied it would be sexual.
There goes my good mood. Being subtley accused of having the potential to be a child molester, didn't leave me feeling very uplifted. I was pissed off. I love her daughter, and I love kids. Two hugs and a kiss on the cheek does not necessitate those fears she was having. More so when it is with me, because she's known me for a year and a half now. I thought it was a disgusting fear to vocalize to me, and I told her as much.
Blog, I am.. so fucking conflicted with this woman. Earlier today she was telling me about how she wants to take me on a trip someplace, and all I could think was: words, words, words.
No action. No surprises. Just throwing out words and trying to elicit certain feelings from me with their hollowness. As if those were welcome substitutes for, you know, actually planning a trip together. Or surprising me with one.
And then earlier today, she had something happen at McDonalds where she got free food from some girl named "Blessing" and suddenly she throws on her phone and records this live video on Facebook about how the Law of Attraction works, and that there's this vacuum that needs to be filled in order for riches to come into your life, etc etc. Yesterday she filmed a video on this topic as well, based on a book that I had the impulse to give her. She hardly mentions me in the video. Just this really quiet, "my partner gave me" comment that could barely be heard. No mention of me at all, really. No thanks given to me, which enabled this recent hyperactivity and excitement in her.
Not that I desire the credit, but I want to be appreciated. And I'm not. It's all about her, and things "magically" come to her. Anonymously, and without needing to be acknowledged.
What bothers me the most, is not only does she not credit me by name, but there's no mention of me on her Facebook. No pictures of us together, and she has this picture of her with some other guy on there.
I really don't feel loved by this woman. I don't. She takes me for granted, and I have to pull my hairs out at the stupid shit she does, like joining the OTO which she later tells me she's glad she didn't do.
But she would have, if I didn't raise a fuss about it. Again, not giving me credit, and basically making it sound like it was her own decision not to join. Despite the fact that she sent in a pre-enrollment application and enthusiastically asked me to "support" her decision. Which she kept secret from me until I asked questions about her meeting with those two guys from the group.
Fola does not have a good head on her shoulders. This morning as I was having my tea after work, I stumbled across my old friend Jerry Chan and I was surprised to see that not only did he marry the girl (Shawna) whom he met while we were still on good terms; but they also have a child together now, a boy, that came in this year.
I was really happy for him. Seeing the smile on his wife's face and his son and on his own, really caused this swelling in my heart. I still remember teasing him for being a virgin, and he ended up marrying the girl he lost his virginity towards. The second girlfriend he's ever had.
(sighs)
Humility. Fola has none of it. And when I looked at Jerry's wife's Facebook feed, I saw what was missing in my life.
Happiness. And a woman who appreciates and would want to be happy with me. Who can make me laugh, and whom I can make laugh also. I can't do this with Fola. She doesn't have anything but a cruel sense of sarcastic, dark humor. She can't have an intelligent conversation, either it seems. All the stuff she's "learning" I'm interested in, but she retains very little of it and doesn't have a good grasp on most of what she's passsionate about.
And she has the gall to be posting videos online about how awesome she is at manifesting things and "teaching" others to do the same. Her card says "manifestor" on it for Christ sake. That's not even a real word/
I'm embarsssed by this woman, to be honest. Every time she seems to make progress, her pride and ignorance appears to get the better of her. And when something small like free ice cream appears, she starts raving about how the "universe" "blessed" her.
It's madness. It's crazy. It's... boastful and prideful and ignorant.
In my opinion.
Whenever she gives "thanks" to the universe, I get annoyed. Because I think she is stripping it from the name it actually goes by.
God. The universe is God. Not "the universe" like its some impartial, unintelligent entity floating around in the ether. Able to grant wishes.
And she is absolutely power-mad. She really wants a Land Rover, and then tells me later that maybe chasing after a car is not what she should be doing. Then she messages me earlier today about, "I wonder what's my next ambition after I get my Land Rover", going back to wanting a damned car again.
Materialistic, and her spiritual side is...
Greedy. That's the right word. Her liked videos on YouTube is a testament to her OCD about all this stuff. Wanting to be a clairovoyant and seeing auras and healing people with her magical powers.
I truly am dating a crazy woman. A crazy woman with misguided faith and understanding.
I believe in all this stuff. I've manifested things before. I sense that I am on a path of some kind that has been predestined and arranged for me. By my own hand and by the hand of God and whatever else.
And I remain grateful for this opportunity. It stresses me the fuck out sometimes to be with Fola, but then there are times like yesterday, when everything feels perfect and exactly the way I'd like my life to be.
Until she sent me that message about her "fears".
God damn... I was going to say, God damn that woman, but that is harsh...
I want to believe she can change, and she has changed. But two steps forward, one step back, is a dance that frustrates the hell out of me.
Perhaps I need to place more focus on myself.
Spending too much time thinking about her and her antics that its crowding everything else out in my life. My own ambitions and creative and spiritual pursuits.
And clearly I am not all that important to her. Or maybe I am, but she has a terribly ignorant way of expressing it. Some questions in text gets flat out ignored. I am not mentioned or displayed anywhere on Facebook. She likely doesn't mention me to her friends and family all that much. She hasn't suggested I meet any of her friends since Ryan and Lenore. She talks about how she's willing to be "disowned" by her family should we be living together, but thats just talk.
Most of it is talk.
Time for doing, Fola.
It's time to prove your words.
You're a force of nature. A malestrom that topples homes and buildings as it spins wildly out of control on a path that you have little idea or awareness of. Whoops, there goes a mobile home, tore the roof right off and now there's a hole in the ground. Who cares? She didn't notice. And when I point out the consequences of her ignorant pride, she gets upset at my dragging her "vibration" down. Or she becomes distant and closed-off again.
I am having such a hard time keeping up with that woman.
But, for some reason, there is something valuable here. Lessons that appear to assist in evolving the two of us.
And for that, I continue to hold on to this tail as the beast spins me around wildly. From love to disgust, from respect to loathing. From pride, to shame.
Over and over and over again.
God, heed my words and heal that woman. Give me the strength and tools and wisdom to help make her into the woman she wants to be. With none of the pride and ego attached. Or as little of it as possible.
Have her be happy and proud to be with me. Have her be thankful for the things that I do for her and willing to reciprocate. Willing and demonstrating the apparent love she has for me.
And to find self-awareness and balance enough to be able to think straight. To make intelligent and informed decisions.
To help her find her way.
And to help me find mine, also.
Even though this feels like the right path for me at the moment, I am having my doubts.
So many doubts.
And I pray to you to dispel them from me. Or to move me onto someone more deserving.
I am your servant. I serve God, the Universe, the collective unconscious. Love.
I serve love. Even though it has been very difficult for me to do so. I continue to try.
And the trying is what matters. No matter how much I struggle.
No matter how sad I get.
No matter how badly I desire certain things in my life.
I have to keep trying.
For those that keep trying, they can never fail.
It is only when we stop trying, can we admit to having failed.
I will not fail.
I will rise triumphant.
And I will be as humble as possible when I do.
Thank you.
Amen.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Black Hole
I'm ashamed of myself. Couldn't break up with her completely. Blocked her number, and she sent emails. Then, looked at the block list again and stupidly decided to text. Lead to an avalanche of texts, and she drove out an hour to the lake I was at.
Fuck, man.
I'm at work and I can't get into more detail.
I don't know what to do anymore.
She...
Fuck.
It feels like... She owes me, and I'm letting her repay her debt with monopoly money. Karma hasn't been lifted for whatever she has done to me. And is still doing.
I'm quick to forgive and slow to heal.
I...
Need to be patient.
Something is going to happen.
I need to be authentic.
And...
Ugh.
I'm ashamed.
I've nothing else to say.
Other than I'm sorry.
I'm naive.
I've always wanted to believe in love.
Always.
And a taste of it seems to be all I need to be contented with, and that's not true.
But I hold on with frail hopes.
And...
Sighs.
Fuck.
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