Forth.

There is so much wrong with that woman, that girl, that I could write something new almost every day to put into the blog, but I won't. It's too exhausting to keep up. Too... pointless, sometimes, it feels.

But I know it is not pointless.

My relationship with her means something. Something important. But... I am wondering... I don't have all the pieces of the puzzle it seems, but I am wondering if it is nothing more than a test.

A test... Because... After meeting her over a year and a half ago, I have changed. I... can't honestly say it has been for the better, either. My writing has gone stagnant, my blog isn't nearly as updated. I am not as optimistic as I once was. I do not "treasure" the time that Fola and I spend together except to cling to the thread of hope that somehow things will be different and that...

...That she somehow actually does love me. Even if her actions do not appear to reflect my conception of what love is supposed to look like.

My pardon, dear blog, I am distracted at the moment by watching an episode of Preacher, season 2. It's the scene where Herr Starr begins training and just shot the final candidate and is now being briefed on the agenda of the "Grail", this secret cult about keeping the bloodline of Jesus alive. Weird stuff, but compelling, even if the rest of the show pales in comparison to the comics.

He's just gotten his uniform...

Anyways... Sorry. I should be taking the issue more seriously with Fola, but I... am.. weakened and careless. Holding onto this thin thread of hope that everything will work out the way they need to, and that illumination will somehow strike me upon the hour on when it is most needing to be deployed.

I await that hour. Until then, I cannot bring myself to break up with her.

I have tried before... many times. In many ways... being "abusive" with my words, and still, still she would not leave.

And still... Still I have not left, either. Forgiving her multiple times for sins and behaviors that I find despicable and not indicative of a pure and wholesome heart.

Which is not what I expect of her, but rather, a kernel, a seed to grow such feelings from.

And maybe this is what I hold onto. The hope.

Hoping for her salvation.

Because... baby steps have been taken since we met. Each argument, each fight brings us closer to understanding one another. She appears to be working off of a script. I have to tell her whenever I am displeased, because if I don't, she then asks, and I seem to always feel compelled to answer.

Although that may not actually be the wisest thing for me to be doing. Yet, it is what I must strive towards. Honesty.

Today... ugh... Had to help her move stuff out of her old house. She didn't ask me for help, but automatically assumed I would. The week previous, she got all upset that I wasn't doing enough to help. Despite my having helped her once already, and despite my saying that I would help again. If she would ASK me for that help and then provide a time and date to go and help her.

And yet... that argument...

There aren't any words, really.

She is... difficult. To negotiate with. To reason with. To barter and talk sense into.

And yet... a little while later, she tends to agree. And then thinks it was her idea.

So today.. I felt like such a chump cleaning her place up. Didn't feel appreciated. Felt like a slave. A fool. Earlier in the day she complained about how "devalued" she felt, and...

fuck... man.

Fuck.

She is... guilt-tripping me. Making me into her servant. Doing her bidding.

I was moving some stuff out from the house and into the garage when I saw the neighbor next door walk into his home. I nodded at him and said hello. He looked me in the eye and didn't respond.

I felt like such a chump. Such a usurper.

She showed me some calendar that her husband Larry and her put together for their engagement. A bunch of pictures of them kissing.

Got to say, they looked pretty happy. Even if the pictures lacked variety.

She said she didn't want to look at it. Said she was going to throw it out.

And I got upset at the things she was throwing out from her house.

It reminded me of how my mom threw out a working fax machine of mine many years ago when she got in the mood of cleaning out her basement. She threw out a guitar of mine, too. Furniture, also.

And for someone like myself who appreciates second-hand and frequents thrift shops; I felt disgusted by such waste and called Fola out on it. She admitted that my point of view was valid, but went into this spiel about how she wants to get rid of all the "old energy" or whatever delusional excuse she had for not recycling or donating items to people that would be happy to have them.

My mood went down when I saw what she was throwing out.

It was already bad enough being there and feeling like in a partial coma. Being made into a bitch. Unappreciated for the effort I was making. Hated the part where she said I could vacuum her filthy carpet upstairs.

Her husband did absolutely nothing with helping to clean the house. I suppose that is understandable, but why am I a part of this?

Fola guilt-tripped me before on this. Said that if I expect her to move in, that I should help make things easier for her to do so.

Yeah... I feel like such a bitch.

Maybe... I am one.

I am a bitch.

I don't even feel like having sex with her anymore. Too much of a hassle. There's no... emotion behind it lately. Feel like I have to beg for it. No anticipation. She'll say things like, "I'm looking into lingerie..." and it's been months since.

Just endless teasing.

And her personality... fuck... this... girl is a lot like a guy.

The attributes are there. I remember her laughing about some snapchat or photo-editing app that painted a mustache onto her. She looked so much like a dude that it made me queasy watching her act all jubilant about it.

And... the hair on her body.. her chin...

That chick is raging with testosterone. Not the soft-spoken, shy, warm and compassionate and considerate lady I have dreamed of.

Though, part of her dark side appeals to me, to be honest. Yet... even that is losing it's lustre the more irrational she becomes. The more careless and entitled she gets.

The more evident it becomes as to how clueless and lacking in self-awareness she is.

And yet...

I'm still holding on.

A few days ago she texted me about how I am her future hubby. Then....

Ugh.

I asked her to say these words in person. I'm tired of how different she seems over text vs how she is in real life. Can't really believe those words. Her actions often contradict them.

Or maybe she does not have the capacity for love that I have for myself.

I... would be slightly embarassed to be asking the woman I love to help me clean my home and move things out. I sure wouldn't guilt-trip her about it.

I'd be honest. "please help me with my house. I am stressed about it and could use your help."

Instead, she wants me to read her mind. She is much too prideful to lower herself down.

I am tired of it.

Begging for sex. Begging for attention.

She was taking a nap earlier today before she goes out to work night shift. I get in bed with her and she's like, "why are you in here?" like I intruded. In my OWN bed.

Said I wanted to stay here for a bit. She appears annoyed. Moves away from me.

Finally I get the hint and get up to leave. She then notices this change in me. Says she wants me to come back and cuddle.

Which she didn't want to do while I was in bed with her.

Fuck man.. and like a fool, I did.

I'm...

God help me.

This isn't love to me.

Earlier today she was talking about dreams she's had. Mentioned dreaming about her having sex with her parents.

Uhm. Excuse me? Sex with your parents, I asked.

Yes. But it's okay... she thinks of these things as metaphors for masculine and feminine energies. Yes, this includes both her mother and father.

Sex. Her dream involved her father finger-banging her. But apparently she didn't enjoy it, she says.

That's not what I want from the girl I've hoped to spend the rest of my life with. This damaged creature.

To be fair, I am damaged also, and I think this is why I am so hesitant to up and leave for the 9th time or however many it has been.

I have.. not felt as close to anyone before as I have been with her.

And.. despite all this time together, I still feel like I don't know her and that she doesn't know me. Not enough in the ways that matter.

I still think she is this wild child. This "strong" independent woman who wants to be overpowered by another guy.

I don't want to overpower her. I have done this and I am tired of it.

She asked me once if I thought of us as "equals" and I almost choked on coming up with a response. I had to ask for clarification. Equal, how? Because nobody is truly equal. Equal in terms of being deserving of respect? Sure. Equal in terms of emotional intelligence and self-awareness? No. Not equal by a long shot.

This girl is breaking me down slowly but surely.

I once said in my blog to never give my life up for a woman.

And yet it seems like I have.

Unless... unless...

It's... for the time being.

Because something is happening. This relationship happened and things have happened that are uncommon and mysterious and odd and weird.

I truly feel that there is a purpose here. But I don't know if asserting myself and fighting for what I deserve, is really what I want to be doing the rest of my life with her.

She hasn't baked me blueberry scones in over a year, I don't think.

She knows how much I liked them. She knows that it makes me happy to have them.

She knows what makes me happy.

And yet she doesn't put in the effort.

And, so. Neither do I.

And as clueless as she is, she constantly looks elsewhere for reasons other than me, when it comes to the happiness of this relationship.

The stars and planets are in a certain formation.

She did some kind of "meditation" that enabled a magical night between us.

Just excuses... I choked her during sex once and she had this crazy episode of some endless orgasm happening. Didn't credit me, instead, she was like "I don't know but maybe its this or this or this"

Such...

Cluelessness.

I won't take all the credit for those magical moments we've shared, but I do think I created the majority of them.

I can't be bothered to list them all here. Not right now.

And no matter how many times I explain certain things to her. Like, her making me happy or inspiring me to make her happy; she still doesn't seem to get it.

She gets some of it. But not all.

And worse, it feels so scripted. Like she honestly has no idea of how to be a loving and compassionate human being.

This is the girl that wants to dedicate her life to "helping" people when she can't even help herself become more loving and wise and kind and sensible and devout.

I don't trust that woman. For many reasons. Some of which is in my blog.

What a negative post. I don't like saying these things. But I have to be honest. I am truly bothered by all this. I'd like a solution. I don't want to be conditioned to become this vacant and obedient shell of a man.

Obliging her every whim. Not having many of mine realized.

Yeah, no.

I am better than that.

And.. ugh...

She thinks so too. No matter what I do for her, she truly thinks she deserves everything for nothing. Or for very little.

It's sad... It's shameful...

And... God, I could really use your help with all this.

Show me the way.

Show me what I must be doing.

Help me do these things.

I am ... I have said many times before that I am your instrument.

And perhaps I still am, but am not wise enough to see the end game of all this yet.

Perhaps this is still being played out and I am achieving your will.

I know you are out there. You do listen to me.

There is a path that I am walking which is in accord with your direction.

A path that I may have structured for myself prior to this life.

Lessons to be learned.

And lessons to be taught.

I don't know...

But, I really would like to.

Thank you God.

For being with me.

I am your humble servant.

I serve the greater good.

Even when I feel contempt and cynicism, I still hold that desire for you. And for myself.

I...

Am lost and confused.

I would like for you to show me a way out of this.

Or at least... show that girl what it is she is meant to know.

And myself.

As painful or as beautiful as it may be.

Help us evolve.

Let us grow closer to you.

Not further apart.

Teach me.

Help me to help her.

Thanks.