So, nothing really happened with Fola and Amway. She didn't exchange any numbers, and didn't offer much in the way of details. We made up, and I really don't care anymore what she does.
I think it's ridiculous how easily we make up. There was a shouting match we had over the phone on Friday when I texted her this long message about how I felt and what I was thinking about. She was angry at what I thought were valid concerns of mine, and I stood my ground, yelling over her diversionary tactics and shifting of blame. She then texted me after the conversation, "I really want o fuck you right now."
Ridiculous. I can see where this is going with us. She is enthralled by whenever I step into my power and speak the honest truth of my heart. I can see why that is. I can see why that would be an aphrodisiac.
It was another good weekend with us. Sex twice in one day. She had weed, and I didn't. Had a bath, watched Ghost in the Shell which wasn't very good. An episode of Black Mirror. Did a bit of Reiki together.
And last night, I have to give her credit for getting me out of my comfort zone. There was a Reiki share event going on, where you would show up and give Reiki to a stranger and receive the same from them. It was interesting. I thought it went well.
There was this blond lady that I looked at as we were pairing and had the urge to ask if she was willing to give and receive. She smiled and looked at me saying yes, and so we did.
In the hallway before we entered each of our rooms, Fola said to me that she wanted to do an hour long session, giving and getting, for a total of two hours. I was aghast. For an inexperienced Reiki practioner of Reiki, I had no idea how I was going to make it to the half hour mark, let alone an entire hour. I was annoyed with her immediately, thinking how inconsiderate she was for me to have to be in here this long when she initially told me it would be a half hour giving/receiving.
Thankfully, my partner didn't want the full hour either, and we settled on 45 minutes.
Still, man. 45 minutes is a long freakin' time for someone who at most, did Reiki for a half hour with his girlfriend. In an unorthodox way.
We go into the room, and immediately she asks me to lie down. I spent the first twenty minutes or so fighting off these negative emotions I was having about Fola and how she didn't think to consider that I was going to be stuck there for a half hour after I'm done without my car or my vape or any way to kill time.
There was this classical cd playing also, that I found annoying. It was bright and jumpy and totally not conducive to a relaxing experience. I wish I had selected a better CD instead of hitting play on what was already in there. Oh well.
The lady did her thing, and I was intimidated by how many different positions she was using. She moved her hands around six times on just my head alone. I was trying to keep track of which ones they were so I could duplicate them on her when it would be my turn. Spent those first twenty minutes not in a relaxed state at all, but in annoyance at the music, Fola, and feeling nervous.
As I said, twenty minutes in had me finally relaxing and I.. just realized that this was not the way to be thinking or feeling during a moment like this. There was no reason for me not to be able to let everything go and surrender, so I did my best to try to not dwell on those negative emotions.
It was nice. Her hands were hot and I was surprised at how good it felt when she cupped my ears at one point. Thinking that maybe it will benefit my hearing somewhat. I know, a little naive, but Reiki is intended to be a healing modality after all. Hearing restoration/improvement is not outside the realm of possibility.
When it came to my turn, we put on a more interesting CD which had this lady making "ooh"ing sounds with some strings in the background. That was a huge improvement. I sat behind her, appealing towards the powers that be, to give this lady what she needed and to forgive my inexperience and nervousness.
That did the trick. I spent a lot of time on her head, just zoning out and thinking about random things. Not really thinking, but feeling, really. I envisioned the dog I would like to own someday. An English Sheepdog, and imagined it as a small puppy running around barking with its tail wagging. I thought about my little sister Samantha, who once looked at me with a smile and said that she loves me. I thought about the way Gina and I would smile at each other, and...
I then realized that I didn't have a lot of happy moments or thoughts to draw from, and it saddened me.
In writing this, a part of me wants to stop and forget about it. I don't really want to write. I can't explain why that is. My output has really dropped off significantly from how it was in the past where I would be excited about the novel I'm working on.
I can't help but think its because of my relationship that has shifted my energies from being creative and optimistic, to reserved and nervously cautious.
There is a part of me that thinks writing all this down is a waste of time. That it... there is nothing interesting being said because I didn't find the events of last night all that interesting. And... I have to admit that its tough to swallow. I miss how I was. How I...
Yeah. I feel this now. Words used to drip easily from my fingers and I would put them together in a way that I myself would enjoy reading, now I think I'm just killing time.
Watched a new video from Ralph Smart this morning about "instantly" finding your life purpose, and I realized that I haven't found it. Still haven't discovered it.
The points he was raising in the video was to do what you love and the money will follow. That's the overall arc of it. Surround yourself with supportive and loving people, and find work that you feel passionate about.
Easier said than done, Ralph.
I am fighting the urge to end this blog post. I don't want to write any further because I don't like what I am saying. I don't feel empowered or illuminated for having done this. It almost feels like I am mocking and holding myself in a bad light for having confessed thoughts that do not elevate or inspire or make me feel like I've made any progress in reporting. But there is progress. There is illumination.
Inspiration is up to me.
Well... I think I will end this short right now. I don't want to dig deep within myself to pull out the ugliness that I know is lurking in there. I don't need or want to confront it right this moment. I need to... come to terms with who I am and accept myself fully. Again. Repair the damage and come back to the way I was. A man in love with life, with who he is, and excited to be a part of the world.
It's the only way to be.
I have to figure out the type of life that I am working for.
Otherwise, I will suffer hard if I don't.
And...
I have many things to offer. Monetizing them is another matter.
And I know I will discover the solution. Somehow. Someday.
It will come to me in a flash, and I will run with it.
And Mr. Mugs will be mine.
