Hello blog, last post got cut off because Fola arrived at my place.
Those prayers of mine were answered. Compassion, Clarity, Wisdom, Strength and Sexuality; in more ways than I expected.
After she arrived, we sat down for a talk about my email. The one where I complained and expressed concerns about various subjects. The conversation went decent enough. I don't remember the details given that it has been a few days already since it took place.
What I do remember is the energy between us. There was something about how I was feeling and expressing that she strongly resonated with. We were sitting on the couch listening to music from her phone and I felt this... independence I suppose would be the word. This feeling that my energy is my own and that I was cautious and prudent with how it was being exchanged with her.
This attitude of mine really went the distance and created another new milestone for us. We were kissing, touching each other and it came to a point where she looked me in the eye asking if I was doing "sexual magic" which made me laugh inwardly as I thought about it and said, "yes, of course I am."
The funny thing about all that is that I did buy a book titled "The Art of Sexual Magic" by Margo Anand. Didn't get to read much beyond the beginning few pages where she discussed the history of magic, its definition and how she came about becoming an "expert" in the subject of sexual magic. Most interesting thing so far was how she isolated herself in a dark room with earplugs and nothing but water and grapes for seven days and nights straight. Crazy. Isolation to the extreme, but this apparently has given her the means to go inward and really learn things about herself. I can relate.
So when Fola was in the throes of an "energetic" orgasm with me, she asked that question and I realized that yes, I was doing magic. Not with any real technique, but from an intuitive standpoint I knew exactly what was going on. The best way I can describe it would be to imagine surfing a wave without having taken lessons in surfing and not knowing what to expect.
The rest of the night was a magical experience. Sex, of course, was had. The next day had her being "obsessed" with me.
Not a surprise given how incredible our evening was.
And so, today, I'm at another low point with her. There is so much strangeness with us. So much animosity (mostly on my part in the past while) that I cannot understand why I am so... upset with her. I mean, I can intellectually break down my concerns into pieces that seem valid and legitimate and can point to them as a reason for my being angry and annoyed; but that is not the whole story. To me, it almost feels like we have to be abusive towards each other. On this deep, primeval level that neither of us can properly articulate.
Yesterday things were... Okay, here is what happened. She invited me over for sex, basically, in the morning. After how incredible it was with us and her energy orgasm; I can see why she would be excited to have me over for more of the same.
But, here is the part that annoyed me. I was being used. There was little given to me that warranted my putting in the effort that I did on Sunday night with us. She had the expectation in her mind that something similar would happen, but did not think she had any responsibility for how it would turn out. That's the part that bugs me. Again, its hard to articulate, but the gist of it was that she wanted the same type of gratification I gave her on Sunday, but without having to make it worth my while.
I understand that this sounds like a condition, a demand, and while it wasn't consciously stated that I expected her to exchange something of value; it certainly was implicit in how I felt about the whole thing. I keep thinking that she doesn't "get" why certain things happen the way they do. To me, its simple, I helped make it happen. So does she. When she acts in a certain way, I feel compelled to act a certain way also. When she shows genuine appreciation for my efforts, things go up another level. When she takes me for granted, things get taken down a few notches and frustrates/annoys/irritates her.
It's the theme of our relationship. Give me something as valuable as I have been giving you, and more valuable things will follow. At least that is how I am looking at it. Treat me with me respect, appreciation and attempt to try and make me happy; and I will take you to levels of awareness and pleasure that you have never experienced before, and may never will.
I realize how pompous and immodest that all sounds, but its true. Last night I got upset with her for a number of reasons. Chief among them is that she is going to this Worldwide Group seminar/lecture/indoctrination/brainwashing, and asked me if I could look after her daughter Ivy while she goes. I didn't commit to that, and she knows how I feel about her walking into the lion's den to be propositioned towards and made to become a part of this inclusive community that is all about supporting each other's business efforts, which btw, is basically about recruiting more people so that they can...
Fuck, man. I don't need to get into details. It's Amway, basically. Worldwide Dreambuilders Group or whatever has its roots in MLM scammy B.S. where the 1% (diamonds) are making money while the 99% is hustling like mad to try to sell shitty products or to recruit others so they can climb the ladder and realize the dream of working from home, or not working at all, and enjoying "passive" income.
I... still don't want to get into details. Just thinking about it burns me up. Thinking that my girlfriend is this gullible, naive and ignorant partner, doesn't sit well with me. I told her I'd support whatever efforts she feels passionate and informed about; but she is NOT informed about any of this. Her parents were once involved with Amway and didn't do well. She mocked them at one point, for having inventory they were trying to unload that nobody wanted to buy. Some kind of portable anti-rape alarm device that makes a loud ass noise to scare away rapists.
I want to respect this woman, but I don't. I asked her if she googled this organization to learn more about how it works; she didn't. All she's done was watch these videos her friend sent her about how great it is to have passive income and that it makes sense to buy products from "your own store" rather than to spend money elsewhere. All kinds of garbage about how great Amway is and how it makes sense to start your own "business" and get others involved, that its the wave of the future and so much money is to be had, etc. Fola told me about how much she liked the salesman's "energy" in those videos and how it all made sense, etc.
Ugh. I can't handle this level of naive ignorance. I can't. I was involved with MLM reps before as my blog testifies. I can't respect people who go along with the idea thinking that their friends and family wouldn't mind being solicited and told to buy products from them, etc. Products that are often twice the price than they would be at retail, with equal or less quality than what is available in a brick and mortar store.
12 bucks for hand cream? That's a good deal? At half price I can buy something that is considered top-tier and is dermatologist recommended, etc. Why should I overpay for something of inferior quality? Why should anyone prefer to do so and how can money be made through commission fees if these are the products being offered?
The business model is basically a pyramid scheme. Except because that there are products, it skirts the legal definition of a scheme and becomes this winky "we're not really out to scam you" company that is, basically, all about taking advantage of others and instilling this cult-like mentality into its members. Teasing them with the dream of being wealthy and able to retire early in life.
It's a nice dream, but a naive one. At least as far as the approach they take, goes. When Fola was describing everything to me from how she was initially approached for this idea, to the seminar and the "mentorship" and the books; and.... fuck, man. I kept thinking that this is so TEXTBOOK brainwashing. The formula is being followed almost exactly like it has been with me, and that guy that lead me to Robin, and the other stories I read about on the net.
And she... doesn't respect my concerns about it at all.
And that's not all I got upset about with her. Over the phone, she was talking about how she doesn't know about us going to Cuba anymore. But she still wants to go. I...
God, it burns me up.
Not that I care so much about the trip, but the hypocrisy. The way she shifts the goalposts around and makes excuses and doesn't make the effort to go in the direction of us realizing something we agreed to be doing at a certain time/date.
Now that she has money (soon), she decided she's going to focus on being more responsible and less impulsive and...
Man it burns me up.. I hate typing this. Anyways, she triggered me with certain phrases. One of the was, "I want to spend more time with my daughter" and then hypocritically has someone watching her daughter while she impulsively and recklessly goes off to this Worldwide Group presentation. That's being responsible and spending time with your daughter?
Yeah, okay.
And there were other things that triggered me. How she said we make decisions together. We don't make decisions together. I brought up an example of how I was persuaded by a rational argument by her against my purchasing a particular item (a severely discounted alarm clock that monitors your sleep patterns/breathing/etc for ten bucks down from 50) and I made mention that this wasn't being reciprocated whenever I express a rational concern in the same way that she did with me. I was willing to be persuaded, she was and is not willing to be the same with me.
And that is another crux of our relationship. I'm the one that is trying to improve things with us. I do try. I buy flowers. I give her "energy" orgasms. I try and be rational and reasonable and caring and patient while she goes off and does whatever she feels like. There is no unity between us. When we set a goal for something like taking a trip and she doesn't live up to her end of the deal, it sucks. I can forgive an unseen obstacle that may delay or postpone a particular goal; but I can't forgive someone who strings me along with these expectations and dreams and then does nothing to act upon them. At some point plane tickets have to be purchased. At some point, arrangements have to be made for who will look after her daughter for three days while we're gone. She didn't take any of those steps. Didn't inform me as to whether or not she was saving money. I had to tell my parents who were waiting to go with us, that I had no idea what progress she was making as far as the trip goes. She wouldn't update me on anything. She didn't tell me she was trying to save money, to work extra overtime, to see if she can make arrangements for her daughter, etc. I had to basically tell my parents that I didn't know either if this trip was going to happen or not because I have been told nothing. And when nothing is being done on her end, then there is no way to plan ahead for something like this.
And... yeah. This isn't the only example of her creating false expectations in me. Agreeing to a trip in the middle of February and then not living up to her end of the agreement.
And.. other examples are coming to my mind like a plague of locusts waiting to be let out and I...
Hate writing about all this,
So, in a way this is spiritual abuse. Last night had me sending her a long text about how I pointed out the way she was making me feel and her hypocritical ways. Telling me she wants to spend more time with her daughter and then going to this event. Telling me to "trust" her, but still not paying me back from the trip we took to Arizona last year. Telling me that she is capable of rational and informed decisions, and then pulling a stunt like this and refusing to Google information about the Worldwide Group to see for herself what their standing is like, and what her chances of success would be if she decides to get involved with them.
So, yes. Spiritual abuse. It's like all the worst things I dislike, being made manifest by her. Ignorance, selfishness, naivete, and this... New Age goobleygook that she totally subscribes to. But changes her mind so frequently that there are no constant beliefs being held in her head or values adhered towards. One week she's infatuated with angels, the next week is about EFT or tapping, the next week some particular astrological configuration means she's going to act a certain way, another week it's Amway, another week she says she doesn't have the energy or time to commit to Amway, one week she gushes about us being in Cuba, the next week she again becomes ambivalent about when we could both be going, the week after...
Just goes on and on. I get stressed thinking about all this that the easiest thing to do is to stop caring.
And just to allow herself to go unchecked. Let her learn from her mistakes. But...
I want to battle ignorance. I can't stand hypocrites. Or selfishness.
One of the things I said in my text yesterday was to challenge her to take ten minutes a day to think of a particular person and write down three things that she could do to make them happy. Without the expectation of a reward.
All that shit was ignored, anyways. I had a hostile tone preceding that suggestion, so I'm none too surprised she swept it under the carpet.
I guess what I'm getting at, is that if this is indeed spiritual "abuse" that we are both perpetuating onto each other, I really should remove myself from this relationship altogether.
Except, I keep feeling like this is needed and necessary for the two of us to continue. That as ugly as some of our moments have been, that it is being balanced out by the ridiculous highs we've been experiencing.
It feels like this is important. That staying, is important. On some level, there is a lesson for the two of us to be learning. Or lessons.
As aggravated as I am, I know that I have the choice not to be. That I can let this all slide and not stress myself about it at all. Quite a challenge when you think about how she goads me along. Doing what she does and saying what she says, "I don't have to prove anything" when I asked her to prove that I can trust her, is not a response that is considerate or compassionately stated.
We're always proving ourselves. Through our actions, thoughts and behaviors; we're always proving things one way or another. Even being inactive is a form of demonstrable "proof" of a certain way of thinking or feeling or believing. She can say that she doesn't have to prove anything to me in order for me to trust her, but her actions provide proof just the same.
Still haven't been paid for what I'm owed. She still hasn't proven her willingness to make our relationship into a happy one.
And yeah, yesterday morning I went to her house for sex and it wasn't amazing. She started off saying that she has to leave by a certain time and that was the constraint. I had to please her and give her a sense of that energy we experienced on Sunday, and for what? For her gratification. She didn't cuddle after we were done, instead saying "I feel separated from you and I don't know why".
And of course, I have to be saddled with that negative statement. Like it was a problem I'm expected to solve or atone for.
Fuck that. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions and behavior. She'd rather offload it onto me by saying that she feels separated and doesn't know why. So I have to figure it out for her.
Ridiculous.
I explained later to her that she could've not said that until she was sure it needed to be said. She should have taken some time to examine why she felt that way before pushing a thought like that out her mouth. Not minutes after we've had sex. Why would that make me feel good? How would that improve the quality of our relationship?
How does a statement like that bring us closer together? It doesn't. It brings us farther apart.
I've had many negative things to say to her, and negative feelings and impressions she's responsible for, but I don't always speak them. I don't need to tell her "I feel that there is no depth to your soul" when that particular thought strikes me as I am looking into her eyes. She doesn't need to hear that, but she wouldn't hesitate in telling me this same thing should she be feeling that way, at that particular time. I'm sure she would say something like that, though she hasn't.
I think tact is missing from our relationship. We don't know how to communicate in a way that satisfactorily addresses our concerns without wounding our egos in the process.
I am to blame as much as she is, so I can't hold myself unaccountable and without anything to atone for. Sometimes I can't hold it in any longer, and smiling through my pain is not honoring the truth of who I am. So, it gets blurted out. I'm not always successful in keeping such negativity to myself once a long enough string of concerns gets linked together enough to cause me to want to purge all that garbage out.
Anyways, blog. She was out late last night and told me just that. I replied with indifference. She probably did exchange phone numbers with people there, and liked the "conference" enough to want to get involved with them. Now I'm going to have to accept that she is likely to continue on with this sort of thing. And there is nothing I can do about it but to impotently complain and vent my frustrations, and even that is tiring. I don't want to be an asshole, but she makes it so easy for me to become one.
And I don't like that. You would think that your partner is able to bring out the best in you, and yesterday morning had her saying just that after a long conversation at breakfast.
But, I decided to vent, for whatever reason, and so here we are again. In animosity towards one another.
I feel like my concerns aren't being addressed or acknowledged in any meaningful way. I feel like she needs to prove her trustworthiness and to earn respect, etc. She likely thinks that I am overly negative, and demanding and controlling.
And this is from a girl that told me more than a few times about how she wants me to abuse her. And how she has daddy issues, and wants to be dominated, etc.
So, what the fuck man? She can't have her cake and eat it too. Either she lets me take the reigns of this relationship and defers to my judgement, or she doesn't. Either we're equal, or one of us takes a leadership role.
Two people can't be driving the same car at once. I believe in letting her take the wheel once in a while, and I'm sure she would probably agree to the same.
But how we negotiate that? I don't know man. Discourse seems like a waste of time when nothing is being acted upon or compromised/sacrificed towards.
She'll only do things that are convenient and gratifying to herself. Not to others. She will complain about a particular decision after telling me she is okay with that decision. Our trip to a diner in Arizona is proof of that, as she was unhappy with my decision though she earlier said she is fine with my making the decisions.
Argh.
She is not making me into a better person in the way that I am feeling right now. But I know on a certain level, we are both making each other into better people. Through this abuse, we are learning and growing in the most painful of ways.
To her credit, she has changed quite a bit from when I first met her. But there is still some of that darkness lurking inside of her. And inside of myself.
Sometimes it gets amplified.
Sighs. Egos. Such bullshit.
Oh well.
Life goes on.
