I don't love her.
I don't want to love her.
Fuck.
Cold, distant. Irresponsible. Irrational.
Called her out on being cold and distant...
"I don't feel that way"
Of course nobody wants to be called cold or distant, even when they know they are.
Last night had her crying for a short minute and saying that she felt apart from me. Asked her why, "I don't know" and then she spends the morning writing pages in her journal about whatever that likely is.
But doesn't share it with me.
"I don't know"
I'm tired of her. She accused me of not going outside my comfort zone because I don't want to go to some Reiki thing with her. Accused me of wanting to stay inside my home and not go out and experience things. Didn't think mentioning us having gone "out" the day before, or three days before or last week with Justin and Nicole for dinner; would have made any difference to her accusations.
Neither would reminding her that I was going to get tickets for us to go see Five Alarm Funk in a few weeks,
This woman... girl, is driving me insane. I have been thinking today about the good qualities in her that I appreciate seeing, and I am honestly finding it harder and harder to understand what they might be.
Sex? Sure, it's great when its done passionately and I don't have to fight for having it.
Conversation? Also great, when we can keep it respectful and not have her put up a wall whenever a touchy or inflammatory subject comes up. Like her joining Amway. Or thinking about it.
The more I think about her, the more I realize that she is unwell. Two days ago after our Amway fight, she shows up at my house in the morning unannounced saying that she is willing to "talk". This was after the day before where she sent me two YouTube videos about how she thinks she has a victim mentality. The premise being is that she invites abuse and blames other people for her issues. I agreed with that, but days later, there was no attempt at her rectifying this self-diagnosis of hers. No "I'm sorry" no effort put forward to show that she was sincere about addressing this problem of hers.
Just another one of these things that she watches and forgets within a day. Just like it is with her reading and studying about Reiki, NLP, hypnosis, energy healing or whatever other subject she is currently infatuated with. Much of it is "forgotten" sometimes within hours after having been exposed to the material. I know this because I asked her questions about what new things she's learned, given that I am interested in knowing more about those subjects as well.
I no longer ask her these questions as often. Mainly because she gives such a general non-informative response, that it is a fruitless line of inquiry. About on par with saying "good" each and every time I ask her how a particular thing is going. "Good." full-stop.
No further explanation.
No truthful or detailed response.
On the other hand, she can go for long periods of time telling me about some lawyer she met who has great energy and wears a particular type of tie and how she wants to have dinner with him (pauses for effect) and his wife.
She's not interesting if she can't remember what she's learned or is unwilling to share the details with me. I'm reminded of several arguments where I've asked her how something is going and get hardly anything worth thinking or conversing about in response.
She's not responsible, either. Takes frequent days off of work. Neglects to take stock of her finances. Claims we will be going to Cuba this month, but doesn't save any money up for it. Still owes me money from our last trip to Arizona. Doesn't want to put in that effort to make it happen and is instead relying on law of attraction stuff.
Not interesting, not responsible, not reasonable either. I can't have a rational argument without risking her spinning it around onto me. Like I am at fault for her being upset that I was upset that she asked me what I wanted for dinner once, and said that my suggestion was "boring" and didn't text with anything further. She would not admit fault for the way she behaved there, and squirmed around grasping at straws when I called her out on that in person. First she said ...
Man.. it just boils my blood thinking about it. Depresses me too. I don't want to get into the details. It's so immature. So petty.
And I can't seem to handle it. For three days now whenever I'd see her, she wouldn't give me a decent hug. Just this weak thing with a short two pats on the back and disengage. Doesn't understand or appreciate the value of physical closeness when used to heal emotional wounds and to resolve differences. Doesn't understand or appreciate how much I need to feel close to my partner, both physically and emotionally.
She shot me down for sex last night and this morning. Like it was a chore. Never mind that I was giving her whatever she wanted and the best orgasms of her life, etc.
I sound like such a child while writing all this. I hate it. I sound like a boy and not a man who has self-respect enough to move on to someone else rather than put up with this... thing... that is oblivious to reason, cannot really love, fakes compassion, is not sincere, not thoughtful, not kind, not motivated to work at a relationship or to work in general and subscribes to magical thinking on a level that eclipses rational thought altogether. There is no rational thought. There is no depth in her soul
I remember last night when I looked into her eyes thinking just that. There is no depth there. There might have been at one point, but... maybe not anymore. Or maybe its hidden.
This epiphany was arrived at shortly after we had a back and forth about how she thinks there is no such thing as "good" or "bad".
"Well, what about doctors? They have to make that judgement call. They can't give a patient suffering from distress a box of Smarties. They have to make a decision as to the best course of treatment for them."
And instead she argues that yes, maybe the Smarties would be a better fit. Who knows?
We didn't discuss Smarties specifically, but I am using the exaggeration to point out how she was being absurdist beyond belief.
I tried to have a rational argument about her daughter Ivy, walking too close to a cliff. I tried to use this analogy to Amway, saying that if I know there was danger there and she didn't, wouldn't it be responsible of me to warn her about it? Rather than keep my mouth shut about Amway like she wants me to? To keep my skepticism at bay and let her go ahead making the mistake to know that I was right all along?
I don't want to be "right" all along. I want my opinion to be respected. I want to hear a rational argument from her side about why she is going along with this. Not a "I don't know" when I ask why she is going along with this. I want reasons. Descriptive ones. They don't even have to be ones I agree with. But reasons to help me understand what exactly is she expecting to come of all this.
Yesterday she flipped the Amway thing back on me by saying "yeah, I don't have the time and energy to devote myself to this blah blah" and in the morning tells me that she'd like us to go to some conference related to this Amway BS that her friend has told her about. It's like she's agreeing with me and not agreeing with me. And this was after I told her to not get me involved in this scammy idea of hers. Even after I told her step-by-step that she would be invited to a presentation after reading two particular books that these groups snare people in with.
But, she believes deeply in the law of attraction and how everything happens for a reason and thinks that there is something important waiting for her at the end of the Amway rainbow. Maybe not even Amway itself, but someone she will meet at the conference, etc.
Such a flake... I mean, I understand where she is coming from, but I told her that it is impossible to chase down every opportunity and possibility in the way she was suggesting she should. Like, "oh, I got a phone call from someone about my having won a free vacation. I just have to show up for a seminar." and she would jump at that opportunity. Or if someone...
Man... boiling my blood as I type this.
And.. I turned my phone off hours ago. Well, put it on do not disturb and left it upstairs. But I had a bath in the dark and laid in bed afterwards to meditate.
It felt really good. I felt cleared. In the bathtub I was looking at videos on Twin Flames again, seeing if I have missed something. Checking the signs of the false Twin Flame, and seeing if I missed anything there as well.
I don't know man. People are divided on how to categorize either. Or whether either of these things exist at all.
I believe they do. I can honestly believe her to be a false twin flame just because I can't see how she will reverse herself. Since she cut her hair, she's been becoming more masculine around me. More irrational. More... cynical and closed-off. And I don't appreciate the way she smirks at me at random times. Like just before she left my house this morning and I told her how I didn't think I would be going over to her place for dinner on Tuesday. That little smirk came after the argument concluded in which she told me her "feelings" about how I am shutting myself up in a bubble, not wanting to leave the house.
That smirk says it all. And the way she looked at herself in the mirror while putting on her sunglasses. Another sly smirk there. Disgusting to see her vanity and pride on display like that. No humility. Sometimes she tells me she looks "good" in a way that suggests she's special and deserves extra attention/preferential treatment just because... Just because.
I think I've inflated her ego over the course of our relationship. Made her feel too good and secure with me. Whenever she was insecure, I would take my time to explain how her feelings were without merit. I didn't want to be with anyone else, and if I did, I would tell her since she was interested in having a threesome. I told her I loved her and that our connection was unique, etc. Stuff that I really didn't need to say because she makes it a point to remind me that she "knows" that I love her.
/insert sly smirk
But when the shoe is on the other foot and I need reassurance; Fola is nowhere to be fucking found. She'll dismiss it with a "you'll have to examine yourself as to why you feel that way" or will change the subject or run away from a particularly tough confrontation in which she will absolutely refuse to placate me in a way that is meaningful and necessary for the health of our relationship.
Necessary for me to have trust in her. Which is another issue of ours. I don't trust her. She wouldn't water my plants on time like she promised while I was away up north for work. Didn't carry through on most of her promises, such as paying me back, or wanting to please me, or whatever thing she tells me that makes me think I can leave something in her hands and not have to worry about whether or not she will execute on whatever it is she promised to do.
Because she rarely ever follows through on her promises.
And the tone of her texts..
Fuck, man... Sounds like one thing, but in person it's completely different. Excited to see me and to have me come over she'll text, and then look all dead and dull and distant when I arrive.
This woman.. is unteachable. I can't reach her by reason. And I am doubly insulted whenever I present a carefully constructed argument that she ignores or takes offense towards, only to have her repeating some of my talking points a few months, weeks or even days later. Like it was her own idea.
And that I had nothing to do with yet another mind-change of hers.
No credit. No...
Respect.
I'm... I don't respect her either. Lost respect for her long before she did.
I can't respect someone so flaky and selfish and oblivious to the effect her actions and lack-of all contribute to the friction and arguments we've been having. She is not wanting a good relationship for us. No matter how obvious our chemistry was and how we've previously demonstrated it towards another.
It's all forgotten. There's nothing for her to "work" at because she feels there shouldn't be any effort given. To her, its not her job to make me happy. But apparently its my job to make her happy. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually... socially.
Because if I don't try, then this whole thing goes up in flames. If I stop trying, it creates a cycle of negativity. Just like we are experiencing right now. I am not giving any fucks about her and this causes her to be "distant" where she "doesn't know" why she feels that way.
No introspection. Little empathy.
Always the victim.
Always blaming someone else.
And I am ultimately insulted by the fact that she thinks its her purpose in life to become a "great healer" and that someday she will have books written about her.
"Who's going to write your book?" I once asked.
"You." she replied. Seemingly with seriousness.
As if her life story would be interesting enough for people to want to read about.
The great healer part bugs me terribly. I consider myself compassionate, and even I am reluctant about my ability to ease the suffering of others. Particularly those that are on their death beds, which is what Fola is aiming to do. She wants to be by the side of people who die.
Why?
Because she's curious to see how it is.
And thinks she's a great healer.
But has little empathy or compassion or sensitivity about her.
Just a leaf flying around on the wind. Blowing this way and that. No sense of agency because she refuses to accept personal responsibility for the way her life turns out. Instead, she would rather be ruled by destiny. To have destiny shape her, rather than to shape it on her own.
And I completely am not on board with this kind of laziness.
This kind of naivete.
This kind of "magical thinking".
She got punched by someone a few days ago and I jokingly asked her how she managed to "attract" that to her, since she's so convinced by the law of attraction that even a starving 2-year old child in Africa has somehow "attracted" being an orphan and on the brink of death.
She actually took my question seriously and tried to explain that she was somewhat "fearful" around this woman, and that prompted the attack.
If only she was more courageous. She would not have attracted the assault.
Straight face.
Took three days off work because of it.
How can I respect a woman like this? She was laughing while telling me this story in person, and then got upset that I thought it wasn't as big a deal as she suggested it was in text.
God damn it.
I deserve better.
I am hard of hearing. I am... unsure of my ultimate purpose in this world. I am... I'm not perfect.
I have flaws.
But not enough to make me feel that she is the best I can do.
I remember Georgina.
I remember what a good woman she was.
I remember how I could trust her. Confide in her. Feel secure in knowing that she was mentally stable and responsible and willing to please and go the extra distance and ...
I've learned from that experience.
I will never take a good woman for granted again.
But...
Fuck.
I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Georgina, either.
God help me.
I...
I must never make the same mistake.
I've seen heaven and hell.
And I want heaven.
I want goodness in my life.
I want light.
Not darkness.
Not her.
Unless...
Fuck...
Unless she somehow changes.
Or I do.
But I have little faith in her changing.
I've seen too much.
She's given me little reason to believe.
And...
I must now...
Stop.
Stand up.
Shoulders back.
Spine straight.
Look ahead.
Stay focused.
And remain in my power.
No matter what may happen next.
God help me.
I want to serve.
I will serve. I will share my gifts with the world somehow.
Even before meeting Fola, I've seen too much.
Too much of things that she'll never get to see.
And I ...
Must not choose to be on the side of evil.
Even if she thinks there is no such thing.
And that, perhaps, is the greatest lie there can ever be.
I will fight it.
