The battle within has already begun.
Just have been taking notice of it recently, that I am basically living in a state of chaotic order, if that makes any sense. Meaning, that I am willfully blinding myself to the possibilities and potentials outside of the comfortable (?) and orderly (and unemployed) life I'm in.
But Fola keeps bringing in the chaos.
Today she's using military time. 15:15, she'll be over at she says. Had to ask her if she really meant 3:15pm Mountain Time just to dig into her a little bit. Things like that doesn't make any sense to me. Not that I don't understand them, but why switch over to the 24h clock?
Not really complaining about this, but its one thing of many. Mood changes each day. Yesterday she was upset (and honestly sad) that I didn't come over for dinner. I didn't say that I was coming over for dinner, nor did I want to, being that it was -24 out there with bad road conditions and I would have to drive home in the dark after only seeing her for a few hours. Can't stay over, her sister and Ivy is there and I didn't feel like having to socialize, etc.
Today she's going to be meeting Justin and Nicole for the first time after repeatedly bringing it up many times over the course of our relationship. Yeah, to be fair, it's been over a year since I've known her. Guess this is due. But I don't understand the zeal she has going behind that. She tried asking me why I'm "scared" of her meeting, and I had to shake my head and say that it has nothing to do with her. Her schedule and Justin's schedule and my schedule and Nicole's schedule, all have to be lined up just right for that to happen. And even so, not all of us wants to go out for dinner at times, either.
Well, we'll see how this goes. A part of me doesn't want to leave the house again. Probably because in part that I don't enjoy having to drive the distance and to see Justin again after already seeing him on Friday. Not going to be very much for me to talk about since we covered plenty of ground back then.
It's a strange relationship, my blog. As you already well know. Some days... Hmm. She says encouraging things about our future together, but her actions don't quite line up with her words. She'll say she's excited to see me at times, but when we meet, she seems dull and distant. And sometimes this happens within an hour or less of her saying/texting that.
Don't get it. Wish I could feel an amount of certainty with her, but I don't. I want to shift my focus away from her to other things that could benefit from my attention; but she seems insistent on occupying it and then getting upset whenever I take time away from her.
Last night I was reading Jordan Peterson's book and kept getting texts from her. Sure, I responded to them, but they had the effect of making it difficult to fully understand and appreciate everything he'd written. Kind of defeated the point of reading if my mind is going from one place to another every few minutes or so.
Maybe I need to work on my focus.
I'm also listless. There's nothing really here for me to do other than to keep the place tidy. Not much meaning in life for me when that is all there is. Oh, and Battlefront. And Fola.
There is more to life than this. I know it. I've felt it.
But, I seem to have this strange way of going in cycles. I may not write for months at a time, but when I start, I seem to either pick up momentum or the enthusiasm collapses. Either, or.
This really draws into question how serious I am about making a living through my writing. I honestly feel discouraged at this point. Especially when the likelihood of my making a decent amount of money for a debut novel, is extremely low. Even more so when I can't even finish the darn thing.
Years and years of talking about the book I want to publish. Years and years of not doing it.
It sucks. I don't want to motivate myself out of fear. I would motivate myself out of necessity if I knew that would result in a favorable outcome, but I can't seem to do that either.
Laundry machine is spinning noisily. Better go downstairs and check it out.
Hmm. Yeah. That's drama, alright. That's excitement.
The laundry machine.
I'm honestly to blame for all this. But I don't know how to correct anything.
My connection to a higher power has diminished in the past while.
Still pray every night.
But it doesn't seem to change much.
I realize that the strength I am looking for has to come from within. It has to. But at the same time I can't help but shake my head wondering how much of it is actually coming from outside of myself. From some type of source. A higher self. God. Spirit. Other people. Positive interactions and circumstances.
Having a job. Having purpose. Meaning.
These things can... you know, I like not being at work right now. I like it and I don't.
But maybe this isn't the best thing for me, to be sitting around at home. Need to be brave. More willing to take chances. But... I'm sometimes at a loss for ideas as far as opportunities go.
I don't feel particularly like doing anything. I'm not avoiding activities out of fear but rather... cynicism? Being jaded?
Blase?
Funny how the name of my blog remains relevant after all those years.
Blase.
I suppose excitement is developed through momentum. When there is movement towards a positive and meaningful outcome. Good experiences that stack up on top of one another, leading to more good experiences. More positivity.
More vitality. More zest.
More of a lust for life.
But I tell you man, it's hard. Not only psychologically and spiritually, but physically.
I am still suffering from hives, or whatever it is I may be allergic towards.
I still have trouble hearing a conversation well enough to relax and not be on edge and concerned about any of the words I may miss.
But I am also mindful that... it's strange, but I sometimes am well enough to hear people and to have a conversation. It seems almost physiological. Like a kind of essential mineral in myself that is missing.
Fola just arrived, looks like I'm going to wrap this thing up.
Can't say I made much progress with anything of what I've written I suppose. But writing this all down is better than leaving it unsaid.
Still want love. Still want happiness.
Still want to write for a living, but not believing in myself enough to do so.
Or in others.
But I need to teach myself this one important thing. The thing that I remind others of.
Passion trumps talent.
