Well, what a life. What a relationship I'm in.
My mother asked me on Valentines Day what I had planned with Fola and because we both weren't speaking to each other, I told her just that and how Fola didn't care for special occasions anyways.
So she told me I should message her anyways.
I didn't immediately do that, but I did. At around 11 (sighs) 11:11pm through email.
It was the second one I had written, the first one I deleted.
And... Well, it seemed pointless. I really listed out my gripes with the email I had gotten from her. I didn't hold back my feelings on how distant she was and how lacking in warmth she was, etc. I know, these are all shitty things to say on Valentines Day, but I couldn't help myself.
I spent all day wondering if I should hold my tongue and not speak, because I have nothing good to say. Thanks mom. For putting that thought in my head to contact her.
So the next day passes, and I looked at my email again. I thought it was negative and.. well, it was called for, but at the same time I didn't want Fola to have this... bad taste in her mouth, I suppose.
I decided to again write her an email, which.. somehow again got sent at 11:11 in the morning.
In that, I listed all the things I liked about her. Which was a bit difficult in some places, incomplete in others and really leaning on the past rather than the present.
That got a response. She wrote back saying.. Well, she wants to see me again.
So we started talking again. And up till now, that first email went unanswered. Even though I felt it was important for her to reply and tell me her thoughts on the points I was making. She still hasn't.
I... Don't know what I am doing. Do I want to continue with her? Can I trust her? Do I have faith in her, in us? Can we really go the distance? Will we become better people for being together? Can we rekindle the feelings that we felt in the first six months or so? Those crazy energies between us?
I don't know, man.
But there is a funny story in all of this. For as much grief as I give her for "wishing" things into existence; she impressed me.
I once made mention about the "I will have $5,000 of unexpected income in the next 30 days" that she had taped onto her mirror and was affirming each morning. Tuesday was the last day of that, I think and Fola had said "oh well, at least I tried".
Now, in case you are reading and thinking that she got what she wanted, I'll spoil the suspense and tell you that she didn't.
What happened was she contacted the agency responsible for giving out child support benefits, asking them where the benefits were being paid, because she believed her husband Larry was receiving them and he had told Fola that he didn't see any cheques.
So, talking to them revealed that they were sending these cheques out to her "old" address (I'm assuming the one with her husband? Strange how he didn't receive anything) and for whatever reason, the cheques weren't being cashed.
Fola was then told that she would be owed money for the total that was unclaimed. Now, previously I had asked her about this and she told me that she didn't "qualify" for child benefits because she made too much money. Apparently this is not true, and she did qualify and for whatever reason, did not inquire about the payments she was owed until now.
So they owed her money, and how much was it exactly? Less than $5,000 of course, but it was close. It was about $4,600 I believe it was.
I had to laugh when she was telling me this over the phone. She actually did get close to her goal of manifesting $5,000 worth of unexpected income in 30 days. On the last day, too.
I told her that if she could do it a second time, I would be 100% on board with whatever other crazy idea she has. And though she was excited telling me that she will be shooting for $10,000 next; I am not particularly confident in her being able to do so. I don't mean to be negative, but I believe she engineered this particular "manifestation" aided along earlier by myself and my mother.
I had asked her about child benefits, twice, I believe. And my mother had asked her weeks earlier about it as well. I'm sure that had it not been for us, the idea to inquire about it may not have entered her mind until later.
But, I can't say that I am unimpressed by all this. We may be able to go to Cuba after all. She's coming over tomorrow, and we'll see what the discussion turns out as.
She still owes me money, after all, and I wonder if this windfall of hers is going to have her pay me without my asking for it. If I have to ask for it... I'm going to be really disappointed in her. I believe she owes her sister money as well.
Anyways, I still feel like an idiot. I contacted her again. Didn't really put much pressure on her responding to my email, and now she's not going to respond. Leaving my concerns up in the air. Maybe tomorrow I will confront her again on what I had an issue with and see what she will say, but I really don't want to discuss it and bring up conflict.
I just want us to be happy. Somehow. Someway.
And I keep wondering just how little self-respect I have for myself. It must not be very much if I am still... letting this girl have her way with me.
And letting her... ideas and mood changes and astrology and tarot and "intuition" and all these random variables, control and dictate the flow and quality of our relationship.
I don't know, but I do know one thing is clear to me. I need to change. I need to become happy again on my own terms.
I can't expect this girl to be the one that will do it for me.
I can't expect her to really try at making me happy. I can't expect her to be there when I most need her.
I can't expect... loyalty or trust, either.
Or warmth.
Or respect.
And that is the painful part of this all. If I can't expect those things, then why am I continuing to interact with her?
Her sense of humor is dark. She likes seeing people fail or make fools of themselves. She rarely makes a joke that isn't sarcastic or at the expense of someone else.
I can't remember if she'd ever made me laugh in a way that had me feeling good afterwards.
And I struggle at times, to make her laugh. Not because I don't have a sense of humor, but because she doesn't respond well to it. She doesn't reciprocate or appreciate it much either, it seems.
My phone went off. New text from her. I am fairly certain that whenever I think or write about her, she has this hunch or urge about me. I am without surprise, as we've had our moments of telepathy and feeling each other at a distance before.
But it has been severely suppressed in the past few months.
I have a theory about that. About the lack of warmth in my chest area, in my head and the energies between us. My theory is that it was really... A mutual symbiosis. My strong feelings towards her were matched (somewhat) by strong feelings of her own; and that enabled those physical and energetic sensations to happen. At the same time, and I realize how immodest this may seem; I believe that I have to be taking the most amount of credit for this to happen due to the state of mind I was in, while with her.
I've been told I'm psychic, and though I don't quite feel that way, I do know that there is something odd about me that I can't quite put my finger on. A particular sort of sensitivity and connection that I sometimes am able to tap into. It's like I wear my soul on the outside of the body, and... this warmth and that feeling of energy, just naturally emanates whenever I am happy and confident and completely at ease with who and where I am.
I have had amazing sex before I met Fola. I've had... I've elevated a few girls that I was involved in previous relationships with. I don't mean to brag, but some of those girls did say that I've given them the best sex of their life, and I don't think I did anything particularly different than I have done with Fola.
Well, that's not entirely true. The sex Fola and I have had was the natural evolution of us being so comfortable with one another that it was easy to hit new plateaus and heights.
Had I been with Gina for a year, I think it would have approached the same quality that Fola and I have had around when we first started sleeping with one another. I think it would have been delayed, but because I was so crushed by being broken up with Gina; I resolved not to be fearful or worried in my next relationship. I unconsciously... embraced chance. I did not attach myself to a particular outcome. I was willing to receive whatever it was that the universe decided to give.
And the universe gave me Fola. For whatever reason.
Yesterday I was listening to a podcast from Inspire Nation. The host was interviewing his wife and discussing how they first met and how far they've come. I couldn't help but think about Fola and I, In the podcast, there was a lot of similarities between us, such as seeing "signs" that we were meant to be together, and this instant familarity, and the host and his wife also had these epic arguments and without those, he/she couldn't have grown as much as they did.
In short, they didn't have an easy relationship. They had a painful one that made them into better human beings.
I wonder if this is a possibility with Fola. If we can grow into what I was hearing on that show. A couple that laughed often and loved one another sincerely.
All I could think was, "I wish we could laugh as much as they do".
And we don't. I don't know... I think its important.
I... have to try something different with her, I think. I think... I don't know.. maybe I need to open up myself again. To let my guard down. To... stand in my power more.
To become attractive and interesting again.
But what sucks, is that it seems I am the one who is trying the hardest to save us. I don't like how one-sided this feels. For all I've done, I've been given scraps off the table in return.
I don't like it one bit.
But, what I am learning is something unique, it seems. It seems that with Fola, I have to learn to assert my dominance. To stand in my power. To ask for things that I want and need.
To have her respect me.
That appears, to me, to be the point of my having met her. On a cosmic/karmic level. The soul contract, perhaps.
The deal we've made before we incarnated.
That's my guess, and I am not sure if it is the correct one, but it feels that way to me. It feels like the path of least resistance.
Well, blog, how the bleep should I know what the whole point of this is. I don't feel connected to myself lately. I don't feel like writing much. I don't feel happy and excited to be alive and optimistic and filled with joy.
She doesn't inspire those feelings in me. Yeah, I suppose she does inspire me to write long blog entries about mostly negative things I am thinking; but, is that really all that I can expect? Is this all there really is of her?
I think there is a secret here, someplace. And once I figure out which key to put into what lock, the secret will reveal itself in the most "ah ha!" moment kind of way.
It will make sense at some point. Maybe not now, but eventually. Long as I believe that I can achieving something along the lines of whatever it is I am intended to do around her.
Or be.
Perhaps it is really simple. Maybe all this is about is to learn to stand in my power and have respect for myself. No matter what she throws at me.
And this makes sense in a way. It answers many questions.
But, I have to step it up. And not let this woman unravel me. Even if it feels like she already did.
Even if it feels like on a deeper, darker level, she is secretly enjoying my devolution into a shell of my former self. The man I was when I first met her is not the man I am now.
I am able to contain my anger, but I am losing my self-respect while doing so. Because I honestly believe that much of what we fought about, has a lot to do with her attitude towards us.
It is not the attitude, the words and the behavior of a woman in love with me.
Or a woman capable of loving, period.
Fola herself once wrote that she didn't know what love really was until she met me.
I believe she was being honest when she said that.
And...
Maybe she really does love me.
I don't know. I don't feel it. It's not the type of love that I expected.
But perhaps, it is the only type she is able to offer.
Until I can take her further. To show her more.
And to do that, I must go further with myself. And dig within. Unearth the gems that have sustained and nourished me over the years when I give myself over to the whims of my soul. To honor the voice that speaks from beyond the ego and from the heart.
If I can honor that. If I can sustain this love that I have for who I am...
Then...
I can always be guaranteed to be happy.
And perhaps my happiness will help inspire her to keep it going.
Perhaps.
Or maybe the test will continue, and I will have to grit my teeth all the way to the end.
Wherever that may be.
In death, or in marriage.
Or to whatever else may come to me next.
The uncertainty resumes.
