Yeah, so the title of today's post is "fuck..." why that is... well, it seems to capture the general sentiment I have going on with me at the moment.
Fola today.. Yep. Fola again. More Fola talk.
Today we got into an argument over her getting involved in Amway. Prior to this the night before, she mentioned this "business" that a friend of hers is involved with. I asked if she got the details on how it works, she says yes. I ask her if its Amway, she dodges it for a bit and then says yes, it's Amway.
...
Amway. This all took place after I told her about my experience with Amway. With Tyler who I met in the Fort in the summer. With the one girl I dated who insisted that her partner be as involved in her Amway business as she was.
I've done my research into them. Their products are brands I don't recognize at prices often double what you can find locally on the shelf.
It doesn't even seem like the products matter as much as the "selling" of the idea itself. To own your home business, to earn "passive" income and my research yielded all kinds of statistics and anecdotes that pretty well turns Amway into "Scam"Way.
A few days ago when Fola first got "solicited" for this, she sent me a link to a website of her friend where there were four audio files and one video file. I clicked the video and right away I smelled fraud. The narrator didn't get into the nuts and bolts of the business, but rather appealed to emotions and "you don't want to work your shitty job. Take control of your life! Be rich! Earn passive income! Think of your family!" etc.
And when Fola mentioned this book that her friend suggested she read, I was none too surprised to find out that it was "Business of the 21st Century" by Robert Kiyosaki.
Shock, awe. Yeah. I've read this. I've been solicited before. More than once.
What bothers me is that despite my having told all this to Fola BEFORE she was propositioned, she still is going along with it. When I asked her today if she plans on going ahead with them, she says "I don't know" like she was undecided.
I felt insulted. It didn't matter what I told her about Amway in the past or the present, she still is considering doing it. No real rational argument given from her end of things. Other than telling me how the salesguy (in the link she sent me) was intense and enthusiastic and that she liked his energy.
Okay. So you liked the sales pitch. Are you going to let that override your common sense?
Are you going to forget everything I've said about Amway? Are you going to research it and find out for yourself how much of a scam the business model is? About how hard you would have to work to get to the top 1% of people who actually are making more than a few bucks a month?
Are you really going to be that annoying person who pesters everyone she knows to buy products from her website? Products that nobody in their right mind would be willing to spend double the retail value of?
Are you really going to make a decent living with this? Even a semi-decent "passive" income?
All signs point to no.
So I felt really insulted by this. Last night she said she would tell me more about this today, so I asked and then she shut me down with "I don't want to talk about it".
I... I'm pretty insulted. A few months ago I made mention that she should get a good picture of her finances and budget. She acknowledged it was a good idea, but didn't do anything since.
Except yesterday her friend says the same thing to her and now she's all interested in budgeting and cleaning up her finances. I kept thinking that she doesn't respect my opinion and also, that Tyler had the same thing happen to him with Robin. Clean up your finances. Read these books. Sign up. Start a website. Recruit people.
Same bullshit over and over.
And she's buying it hook line and sinker.
I.. don't aim to control her. I told her to not let me discourage her from a business opportunity that she wants to pursue; but at the same time I'm disgusted that she thinks THIS opportunity is a good idea. Even if she "doesn't know" whether or not she will sign up with Amway.
It's the "I don't know" part that bothers me. Thats not an answer. An answer is more like explaining what her interest is, knowing how much her friend makes (numbers) and coming to an understanding of the mechanics and profitability involved. Not, "I don't know" and leave it in the air knowing my strong stance on this subject. Knowing how bad it is doesn't seem to deter her. Worse yet, is knowing that my opinion doesn't seem to matter.
I don't know blog (there's that I don't know). This woman.. is difficult to negotiate with. Any kind of conflict almost invariably has her turning the finger back at me and saying that I am responsible for whatever the problem is. That I should "ask myself" what it is that I feel so strongly about when I voice concern about her signing up for a scummy business model.
Why should I have to explain that? Isn't it obvious?
Why should I have to look inward? Why does she think she can do whatever it is she wants and whenever I voice concern about a particular thing, then I have to turn inward as to why I am upset about her spending three hours at some guy's place she hardly knows, saying she thought he may have drugged her water and that it's okay to ditch me that evening when I needed her most. When I was sad and feeling neglected.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I hate talking about this. I hate thinking about this. I am not bothering to present a lucid and detailed analysis of all this. I've been ignoring her texts after I left her house early today. She sent me two videos on "victim mentality" which she thinks is something she's afflicted with.
I am all too mindful of her often saying "if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it" so I didn't respond to those texts. She didn't ask for my opinion. And even if she did, she doesn't respect it anyways.
That is all on top of my coming to her place today and seeing the dead and dull look in her eyes when I came inside. No hugs or hello or kiss or touching or anything. The first thing I noticed sitting down next to her on the couch was those eyes. No light was shining in them at all.
It was like the opposite of that cliche: "the lights are on but nobody's home"
In her case, the lights were off and she certainly was home.
She was present inside her body ,but her spirit was elsewhere.
I don't feel loved by this woman. Her personality swings, her volatility. Her lack of integrity and sincerity and lack of personal responsibility and... cold and distant and stubborn and disrespectful and...
Fuck man.
She still owes me money from last year. That's the no responsiblity part. She wants to go to Cuba and I would happily lend her the money if I knew she would do whatever it takes to pay it back in a reasonable amount of time.
But she's not responsible enough to do so. Almost a year now. Just the one time she showed up with 50 bucks.
Not considerate. Doesn't care that this wedge exists between us and won't put her mind to working that one extra day of overtime to pay it off.
Evidently she has no respect for me. I have to accept that.
She's impulsive and emotional and damaged. I have to accept that as well.
Yesterday she was over and the sex.. fuck, man... Yeah, good sex but... she really wants that degrading humilating style of it. She wants to feel used. She enjoys being pissed on. Slapped. Insulted. Treated like a whore.
And I've been obliging to a certain extent. Thinking its a harmless fantasy. Maybe its not. Maybe I am normalizing deviant behavior when I really shouldn't.
I'm flexible. I'm considerate. I will give my partner whatever they want in bed. To the best of my ability.
And...
This... Writing about all this just makes me more angrier and sadder.
She's in my thoughts at the moment. I know I'm ignoring her message. She knows I'm ignoring it. She knows I'm thinking about her. I know that she knows that I know that I am thinking about her.
Such an insidious game.
We have a serious communication problem. Few days ago she tells me she was assaulted at work, that one of her clients hit her and she's okay. When I asked what she needed, she said she needed love.
So... With that message in mind, I went to Wok Box to get her supper. She didn't ask and I wanted to treat her right and to cheer her up. Bought her a chai latte as well.
She shows up but sits in my driveway for over 20 minutes. I get a text saying that she's in the driveway on the phone. I assume she's talking to people at work about the incident or whoever has to be talked to about the incident.
I tried not to jump to any conclusions. All I knew was that she was assaulted and that she's okay.
And that she was sitting in my driveway for a long ass time on the phone.
She comes in and... fuck, man. Tells me the story but LAUGHS and SMILES throughout the whole thing. Like it's this unimportant event that she isn't the least bit traumatized over.
Halfway through I tell her that the tone of her story and her texts do not match up with one another. Told her I had the wrong impression all together and that I'm glad it wasn't as serious as my imagination was making it out to be.
Well, she gets upset at that. Tells me it is serious and that she wished I was more sympathetic towards her and that I would show her more empathy as she's sitting there eating the things I went out to buy her and sipping the latte.
What the fuck, man? I tried. I fucking tried.
Fuck...
Communication problem.
Tells me one thing and does another. Last night was "I'll tell you the details tomorrow" as far as the "business" goes. Tomorrow is today and I ask about it and get a "I don't know" and a "I don't want to talk about it" after that.
When she doubted her ever saying that she will talk to me about this "tomorrow" I had to show her the text. She then decides to take a different approach and instead of accepting responsibility, says she "changed her mind" as far as talking about this "business" goes.
How am I supposed to negotiate any future conflicts with a woman like this?
Jordan Peterson in his infinite wisdom had a video about choosing the ideal mate. "Find someone you can negotiate a future with" ... Well, I don't think it's Fola.
She's so difficult to negotiate with. Not reasonable or rational.
Rarely apologies. Rarely takes responsibility, and when she does, things go back to the way they were anyways. Change doesn't stick. And I still don't feel like she goes the extra mile to make me feel appreciated or loved. Still haven't seen her in lingerie since November. Still haven't seen a scone since then either.
Rare that I've seen her smile and hug and kiss me whenever we greet one another.
Rare.
By that, I mean I often take initiative. It's rare for her to do so.
No surprise given how it was when we first met. We fought about how she didn't want to hug, and she blamed it on not being comfortable with public displays of affection.
This relationship sucks, man.
It sucks and... I don't want it to be that way.
Where's the give and take? Too much taking on her part. When she's in a sullen mood, I'll try to do something. I'll massage her feet. Her shoulders. Give her a kiss. Say something kind. Ask her questions about her day.
Even when I don't feel like it, I still try.
And with her.. I rarely get any of that back. A few days ago I needed time to myself and to have my space. So I didn't text her much. She gets upset and thinks that I'm with another woman. So I explain everything in detail about how I need my time and why would I be with anyone else when I have her, and all these things to put her at ease.
But she doesn't do the same. She doesn't reciprocate even a 1/4 of the amount that I give her.
Few days ago in the morning she starts talking about this lawyer guy with this great energy who she wants to have dinner with (and his wife). Her words were "I want to have dinner with this guy..." and then in a bit of a pause added, "and his wife".
Note the way she says these things. First, she says "I" rather than "we" and this was the first thing she said to me in the morning as I came downstairs.. this detailed story about this lawyer and how he acts and the pen she uses and the tie he wears and blah blah blah. All these unasked for details that do not interest me in the slightest, but when it comes to something actually important like details on this Amway business, she doesn't want to talk about it. Hardly any details at all with that.
Hardly any details on her being assaulted prior to her coming to my place. Her "solution" to the argument that took place about the tonal mis-match was to tell me that from now on she isn't going to say anything about stuff like that, and will instead wait to tell me about it in person.
That's not really the solution I was hoping for, or think is the best.
There's...
Man...
Sighs.
Oh, God.
God.
I miss being connected with you. I feel so cut-off. Like I am alone and consorting with evil. This woman who wants to be abused. Who takes delight in emotionally abusing me and taking me for granted and making me feel guilty when I don't pay her enough attention or when I raise objections over some of the things she does and says. Talking about how great the "energy" is of some guy; or how she's been "visualizing" us going to Cuba, rather than taking responsibility and saving money for the trip like I have been telling her to do a month ago.
She really is in her own world. Fantasy land. Law of attraction is going to somehow give her "5,000 of unexpected income within the next 30 days" according to the piece of paper she taped to her mirror upstairs that I saw today.
And that paper was there for weeks, already.
Is it going to happen? It could. Will it? Likely not.
Likely not.
But she's counting on that more than she's counting on herself.
She's marginalizing her own power. She's not acting on her desires, but is instead being blown about by her impulses. What she says and feels and does today, may not be congruent with what she says and does and feels the next day. Sometimes extremely so.
One day she'll want to be pissed on, the next week she...
Fuck, man.. I keep thinking of things to write and I don't want to write them but I feel like I have to.
On the weekend while having sex, it almost felt like she wanted me to rape her. She was doing this twisting away thing as we were screwing, pushing me away and saying "no no" and I started to believe it. I was riding this wave.. this plateau where I knew that if I went past this imaginary limit, then it really would be rape.
And that is so fucking shitty of her to put me in that position.
She once smiled this sly grin and claimed that I "liked" this sort of thing. Even when I kept telling her that I didn't and that I was only doing it because I wanted to please her.
Maybe that's my problem. I want to please her.
I'm not letting her please me.
I'm not being selfish enough.
I am not putting my foot down enough,
I'm blinded by emotion. By what I think is love. Kinship. On a deep soulful level.
We are kindred souls in a sense.
And I get the strange feeling that I am helping to accelerate her evolution. That I am dragging her kicking and screaming to a better version of herself.
She's been fighting me all the way up until now, but with each angry outburst, she gets a little more tame. A little more mature. A little more.. different. Or evolved. Or whatever.
But she's still the same person she was when I met her. A lionness.
A Goddess.
A fallen Goddess.
A wounded lionness.
And now I'm realizing as I'm writing this, that I am more interested in saving her than saving myself.
Fuck, man...
I really should stop giving fucks about her. It seems that's the direction she wants me to take this relationship towards. Not giving any fucks and using her for my pleasure.
Not spoil her. Not praise her. Don't get emotionally invested.
Just... fuck her. Use her.
Abuse her.
Because that is want she wants deep down inside. She's admitted to having "daddy issues" and I am not at all shocked by that.
And still, when I touch her, I feel like... I'm touching myself. Her skin feels like my own skin. Her mouth feels like my own mouth. Her tongue my own tongue. Her mind sometimes feels like my own mind.
On some deep level, I am basically dating the female version of myself. The girl that didn't do insulating work all those years and didn't develop the rational/logical side of her brain. The girl who didn't have the same experiences I had with women to develop myself into someone appreciative and knowing of what a healthy loving relationship is supposed to look like.
I am reminded of the smile Georgina and I would exchange each time we met. She didn't say "what?" to me like Fola does. Insinuating that there was something wrong with my locking eyes and gazing deeply into her soul. Her spirit.
There was no ... need to say certain things. To question certain things.
You just "know" ... when love is in the air.
And Fola would often remind me that she "knows" that I love her. Again, with that knowing sly grin of hers as if she pried open some secret that has been locked inside of me.
It isn't a secret. I DO love her.
And yet, I don't feel the same way by her.
And maybe ... maybe I'm sticking around because I don't think I can find anyone better.
But I do know that there is someone better.
But... who? I already know Georgina would have been better, had I not been so caught up in my own problems and doubts and issues when I was involved with her.
I know that.. there's a woman out there who would love to be with me. Who would reciprocate with enthusiasm. Who treats me with respect and consideration and adoration and ...
Doesn't say shit like "if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it"
Doesn't get all upset when I don't immediately watch some half hour long video that she sent me through text. But still doesn't watch the link to a particular video of mine that she invariably gets reminded about (three times) in less than 48 hours. And made a promise to watch it, etc.
I don't care if she watches it or not. It's just insulting seeing the double-standard. The hypocrisy.
The craziness.
And.. I've been neglecting myself at the expense of this woman. My own sanity is being compromised. I am not as cheerful or happy or ... the best of who I am as I was at the time when we first met.
I wasn't .. I am not nearly as connected to a higher power now because of her.
I could point the finger at her and absolve myself of responsibility, but I won't. I acknowledge that those are convenient correlations. They are not causation.
Yes, she did have a lot to do with those changes in me.
And I have had a lot to do with those changes in myself. I've accepted this obstacle course of a woman, where I am afraid to say this or do that in order to not offend her or risk her anger.
And it goes both ways. I suppose. I don't know.
I don't know man. I am not making much sense with this post. Just this long rambling mountain of frustration being let out. All in disjointed bits and pieces that could use more explanation and detail but I don't have the energy to really put them into their proper perspective.
I am too tired to do so.
Looks like I won't be getting a good night text from her. Those ignored texts are...
Going to be as they are. I don't know what to say to them.
She didn't ask for my opinion.
Good night blog.
...
Please...
To... whatever or whoever out there that is listening, who can guide me. Help me to realize my goals, my gifts...
Please help me.
Please.
PLEASE.
