More of the same today. Didn't get any texts from her, didn't send her any myself.
Yesterday when she left, I had this text ready to be sent. This long detailed thing about how I objected to her saying I was in a bubble, and I didn't want to leave my comfort zone. I mentioned us meeting Justin and Nicole. I mentioned us going out twice that same week. I would've mentioned Five Alarm Funk had I decided to go back and revise it.
I told her that if she wants to invent fictitious reasons to be mad at me, that she needs to try harder.
Today I thought about adding Cuba to that list. I wanted to go. We agreed mid-February would be best. Did she save up for it? No. Instead, she's relying on magical thinking.
"I will have $5,000 of unexpected money appear within 30 days" scrawled on her mirror, is what I last remember of it.
I can undestand if she doesn't have the money. But what I can't understand is ...
Fuck it, it's not worth getting into. I want to talk about my day.
Got up this morning pretty early. Maybe around.. Okay, I didn't actually "get up" but I woke up at around 4:30am, feeling that awesome feeling between sleep and wakefulness. Knowing that I didn't have to get up on time for anything, I felt the warmth under the covers and the bit of light coming through the blinds. It was... it made me happy. Just laying there, feeling alive and groggy but alert, sleeping in small bursts here and there.
Decided to get up at around 8:30am. Checked the stock markets, two of my stocks had a decent gain to them. ATE and MPX. ICC ended going 0.6% below. Not a bad day of it, really. Far as money goes. Still hoping that Harvest One goes up past the 1.70 mark because I am frustrated with having to hold onto it while it barely moves.
It was an interesting morning. I didn't expect a text from Fola, and I felt... quite free. Like there was a cord that was cut-off. No real attachment to her. Just calm. Peace. There was a time later in the day that I choose to turn off the Do Not Disturb mode on my phone and risk the vibration of a notification coming through. I felt a bit of clutch in my chest thinking that I would get the buzz of a text from her, although I felt that was unlikely.
I ended up cleaning my office. Pretty happy about that because it was something I had been putting off for a few months now. Not completely finished with it, but I chucked a lot of papers out into the recycling bin and organized other ones.
Put some books away. Played a little bit of Battlefront. Took a bath. Read some of Dr. Peterson's new book. The chapter on disciplining children was the one I completed.
"Do not allow your children to do anything that makes you think less of them."
That was one quote. The rest of it had to deal with how to reward and punish a child. Peterson talked about 2 and 3 year olds and I immediately thought of Fola's daughter Ivy. Wondering how I would deal with her if I was in a situation that demanded my intervention.
The other points I remember... Hmm.. I liked Peterson's story about how he had to put a troublesome child to sleep (which wasn't his) and he kept using repetition. The child would cry, angrily, and Peterson would simply pick the child up and gently place it down in the crib. But the boy would stand up again and start crying. So he kept picking up the child and placing him down. At around the tenth attempt with the child still standing up and crying, Peterson held him down gently until the child stopped squirming and was about to sleep.
As he tip-toed out the room, the boy stood up again and this caused Peterson to freeze in his tracks, glare at the child and point a finger in his direction. That was all that needed to be done. The child laid back down and there was no further disruption from him throughout the night.
Peterson weaves scientific data and philosophic justifications into his stories which I really appreciated. I began wondering if reward and punishment is a system that applies not just to young children, but to adults, and I briefly thought about Fola.
Conditioning her behavior.
I don't like the sound of having to do that. It's manipulative and underhanded, but I can't deny that perhaps it is completely necessary. And then I thought about what type of person she is. She craves discipline and order and punishment. She really does. And if I don't stand up to her injustice, then she will carry on. Worse than before, until I finally react.
Which is... kind of the opposite of what I am doing now. Not reacting at all. Like I said, I had my finger hovering over the send button of that text but decided against it.
Decided that it wasn't worth it.
Maybe more specifically, decided that she wasn't worth it.
And that is a sad thought to have.
Except that I wasn't sad. I think...
I don't know. Is this me being mature? Do I have to confront her? I'd rather not bother. If I have nothing nice to say to her, then I shouldn't say anything at all.
And she has given me little reason lately to be nice towards her. And I have.
I've been far too nice to her over the course of our relationship.
I'm pretty darn sure that she is going to run with the "in a bubble, anti-social, etc" b.s. that she tried to push onto me. I'm pretty darn sure that she is locked into that mindset and is going to be telling her friends and family about how anti-social I am and reluctant to engage with her in social settings.
That part is half-true, actually. I am reluctant to engage with her in a social setting, because I don't like hanging out with some unpredictable, distant, dead-eyed corpse of a human being. I don't want to have her in my place alone, let alone be at her place or any other place if that is how she is going to be behaving towards me.
She just doesn't get that.
And I didn't mention it. Wish I did, but at the same time, I am so tired of having to explain these things to someone who claims to be "warm" and "intuitive" and has "empathy" for others even if she doesn't know how to properly define the word itself.
She should know better.
After a year, she should know me well enough.
But she has trouble with memory, I suppose. She doesn't remember specifics. Doesn't care to act on any of those specifics, either. Doesn't matter if we've had the same argument a dozen of times and discussed it in a half a million ways. She won't remember it a week from now.
If she wanted to make me happy, she would. If she wanted to have a harmonious and healthy relationship, we would be in one.
In a year, she's worn lingerie once and baked me scones twice. Knowing how much I like both.
That's the extent, really, of how much she's tried to make me happy during the course of our relationship. Never mind that one week in November during my birthday. Pretentious anomaly.
I don't care to list all the things I've done for her.
It's not a numbers game, but after a while, it becomes evident at how lop-sided of an effort I am making in proportion to her own.
Ridiculous, really.
Anyways, tangent aside, I had a good day. Didn't leave the house, but things were productive.
I even was surprised later on with a text from Kyle about how they will be shipping my tools and boots back from my last job. Took long enough. Didn't think I'd ever see them again.
Yeah, so I am still finding myself. Tried to write an article on Medium about the dangers of spiritual addiction and having to choose between being spiritual and being rich, because most religions don't seem to think they can co-exist. I ended up writing a page and a half before getting bored with the concept.
Truthfully, I really didn't care about that question.
I don't know if it is true that you can be spiritual and close to God and also be wealthy, because not only does the Bible advise against it ("easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter heaven") but also because I don't want to lose sight of God. To lose connection with my soul.
And I realize, also, that Fola played a large part in diverting my spirituality. I didn't seriously think about becoming wealthy and prosperous until I met her and felt motivated by her dream of us travelling the world together and living in a nice house on an acreage or by water, etc. I began to naively think that I could now forget about having to find love, and could now focus on creating a grander life for the two of us.
But...
I don't...
Know if that is going to happen. Or if it is right. Or meant to be.
It is certainly possible, but perhaps not probable.
Although I do often affirm to myself that I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity, so that I can benefit my life as well as the lives of others.
And I would love to live on an acreage. Near water. With a dog. Travelling the world.
And being in love.
But, I don't really feel like I've found love.
Not yet.
So...
I'm not sure what I can do from here other than to focus on myself.
And try to figure out what my next move should be.
I don't want to insulate. I don't much feel like writing, either.
But...
Yeah...
I still believe in you God. In us. The two of us can move mountains.
I don't need anybody else. Although I would like to have somebody.
You know how true this is when you look into my heart.
And I know the same of you, when I look into yours.
We both want the same things for each other.
Happiness.
Love.
Truth.
Justice.
Beauty.
And I'm.. patiently waiting for an answer. For a path. For a clue.
A coincidence.
A sign.
Help me to help you, God.
It is all I ever wanted to do.
I stand in the light.
Awaiting your orders.
