Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Well blog, thats the end of Fola's hair.

I cut it and she shaved it. Basically wanted a fresh start and to release old "energy" which I somewhat agree with on principle.

But I'm mainly glad because of this:

Horrible picture, isn't it? Those are my eyes opened up as wide as I can, and there's this gunk building up between them and dry skin and ugh. Such a shitty "reaction" to whatever it is I'm allergic towards.

I texted Fola earlier today telling her how I thought it was her hair that might've been the cause of all this. I mean, dreadlocks house bacteria don't they? Especially when they aren't being washed for weeks or months at a time. I thought it was a reasonable assumption, even if she took offense to it despite my trying to be amicable and not place any blame on her.

Didn't work out that way, of course. I'm not in a very empathetic mood today. Had perogies with my mom earlier, and, well.. most of the day was spent playing Battlefront and I kept telling myself earlier that I wouldn't be gaming as much today. How wrong I was.

It's so shitty having this eye and skin thing happening. I was feeling almost 100% better before yesterday when Fola shaved her head. I remember sitting on my couch after she left and there was this itching outbreak where my whole body and head and face were just screaming for some fingernails to be raked across them. Then I remembered touching my left eye at one point. Hours later, the gunk came back again. And back to using those antibiotic eye drops that don't appear to do very much. Sighs.

Well.. I failed at texting today because I indulged in escapism. Gaming and not giving a fuck about other people but myself basically were the ingredients that made me text Fola what I did. Yeah, I spoke the truth of how I felt, but at the same time, I wasn't very tactful about it.

Meh. There are other things that annoy me as well.

Sighs. I'm having an inner monologue as to whether or not I should be typing those out. Yes, its Fola related. May as well have a go at it.

So, amazing sex yesterday. Twice. She wanted to see us in the mirror, so I laid down my floor mirror onto its side and we had sex on the floor. Really, really amazing sex. Then, in bed, we did it again. Amazing again as well.

Just when you think things can't get any better, they do. Somehow, with us.

Except what annoys me, is the bit of time that elapses afterwards. Where we go from "I love yous" that are said sincerely and honestly, to.. basically forgetting everything that happened earlier. No rosy warm afterglow. I knew this because when I got into her car for us to go to dinner, it was the music she put on that completely switched gears. This awful hip-hop shit about female empowerment and whatever, and the vibe it put out completely demolished the magic we both created earlier. And she seemed completely oblivious to this as well. Like nothing ever happened.

Sitting next to her in the car, I felt awkward about wanting to hold her hand or touch her leg because it was like an instant wall was put up between us. A wall that I didn't want to be seeing. But a wall that cleaved the space between us neatly, and made me feel like..

Used. I guess. Unappreciated.

Nothing seems to really.. stick with her. I don't know. In bed she told me about how she wished she could be more "committed" to me, and didn't know what that involves. I told her to show me that she loves me and not tell me these things. I'm tired of hearing words. I want her to fake a rosy afterglow and show a bit more respect for what had passed between us earlier. That's what I want. Not this "ho hum, been there done that" type of attitude where she dismisses the sacredness of what we each been a part of.

I don't know blog, maybe I'm whining, but every day is something new with this chick. That's both a good and bad thing. Good, because it keeps me on my toes, and bad, because I'm expending far too much of my energy trying to ... hmm. Please her. Keep her happy. Keep myself happy.

It all shouldn't have to be this much work.

And she told me to fuck off yesterday, basically. Yeah, it was a "joke" in response to one of mine, but still completely inappropriate. Hated that.

I've already accepted that she is immature and has a ways to go. I'm doing my best to be patient and forgiving and loving and sympathetic, but it can get to be a real chore sometimes.

I love her, and I think she loves me.. Well, in certain situations it seems. Other situations I'm not so sure, Like being told to fuck off, for example.

Meh. Underlying resentment between the both of us, layed over with love. That's about the best way I can describe our relationship.

But we're still going strong. It may be a step backwards, but we seem to take two steps forward every once in a while. There is momentum. There is ground being gained,

And that's about all I have right now to be happy about. Progression.

I suppose ultimately, I want Fola to become the woman I most.. Hmm.. The woman that makes me genuinely happy to be with. Like..

Hmm. I'm happy while with her, usually... or with Ivy.. but.. Happy. Like.. she makes ME happy, rather than the other way around.

I give that girl so much of myself that I wonder how am I.. or where am I going to be plugging into for my source of happiness. I don't really even know what that is. Intimate moments with her, yes, good conversations with her, yes.

But..

Sighs.

She confuses the hell out of me. But then again, I confuse the hell out of myself.

This really feels like an unholy alliance of sorts. I'm feeding her, and she's eating it all up. And she's not particularly respecting all that I do for her it seems. Although I know she does, but it certainly isn't consistent. There are times when its like.. she's a different person altogether.

I was thinking before that she really is an entitled millennial with narcissistic tendencies. This to me, is what I have to "work" with. A challenge to be sure, but a potentially rewarding one as well.

And a rewarding one at present. The changes I've seen in her in the short time I've known her, have been incredible. She really has changed.

But myself?

Hmm. I'm... not taking as much time for myself, it seems. My identity seems to be centered around her, at the moment. My writing hasn't been the greatest. There has been no "dreams" that I've really been pursuing. My biggest thing has been investing in a marijuana stock. That's about it.

It seems like I am waiting for something. Some kind of event. Or change, that will flip the switches in me and.. allow for me to realize my purpose.

My purpose can't just be this one woman, can it?

I wonder about soul contracts and things of that sort. I wonder if I made some sort of bargain to... teach her.. to help her evolve and mature, somehow. Maybe I am fulfilling it, and maybe I am not.

Maybe that is my purpose. My only purpose in this life.

I don't know.

As a believer in reincarnation, I guess I will find out when I pass.

But... Should I deny myself happiness in exchange for the happiness of another?

That's a question I am struggling with. The answer should be a clear and loud NO, but... it seems like... something I should be doing at the moment. I should be putting her first.

But I also know that I shouldn't. And yet I am. Unconsciously, and now with writing all this, consciously.

Hm. I have to keep trust in myself. I am an enigma. I have surprised myself many times before.

Things will be revealed as they need to be. Light will be shone when it has to be.

All things in time,

I believe. This is... a challenge of sorts. I can't really say what it is, but it is important enough for me to stick with. With Fola, I mean. To really smooth things over and make things well with us.

To be unflinchingly honest, even if I sometimes feel like I can't trust her.

I wish I could. Had she not flipped the "switch" so often and casually shortly after another one of our deeply intimate moments; I would believe that she loves me.

And.. her dressing up in heels and lingerie seemed like a one-time only thing.

I guess she's trying.. but is inconsistent... Maybe I am doing something wrong as well. I'm not sure, but I do try to learn and pay attention.

And that takes up a lot of my time and energy.

Hm.

But this is what I feel like I need to be doing right now.

Maybe I owe her a karmic debt. Maybe she owes me one.

I don't know. But this has to play itself out.

At some point, the truth will be revealed.

And I must above all else, to thine self be true.

That might be the greatest challenge of all.

It may not even be her.

Sighs.

The journey continues.