So life goes on. Came back for my week off, hoping to see Fola and well, that...
It's a long story.
I find it ridiculous that I can pretty much write a blog post a day just about her. There's always drama, always tension, always passion, always... intensity.
So here is the situation I'm dealing with now. Came back for my week off and I'm expected to go out for three weeks afterwards. Talked to Fola on Monday about this, and she talked about some plans to go out with her sister and a friend dancing on Saturday night. It's a rave, trance/dance sort of thing and that I don't mind, really.
What I do mind, is that she said over the phone that she would postpone it knowing that I'll be here. Since I wasn't exactly sure if I was going to work for a week, or two weeks or what. I was expecting 21 days, but turns it out was only 7.
Once she said she would postpone it, I quickly jumped in with "you don't have to cancel on my behalf" without really thinking it through.
Yes, I don't want to tell her to cancel on my behalf. But I did. I am going to be gone for three weeks after this and it was a long stretch of 7 in a row working 12 hour shifts at a mindless job.
So I want something to look forward to when I get back home. Something exciting and different. No expenses spared.
Figured I'd book a hotel room for two nights at the airport hotel. Fancy looking place. Fola mentioned she wanted to stay there a few weeks ago.
468$ total for those nights. Confirmed the reservation. Figured I'd surprise her and then texted her the next day telling her not to make any plans for Saturday night.
But she replied with a non-commitial answer. Saying she hasn't talked with her sister yet about any plans. Just tentative ones.
Later in the day, she then says the plans are confirmed and that she would go out dancing Saturday night. Girls night out.
I was furious. Already booked the hotel and spent all day excitedly thinking about our time there. I was planning on what to bring, what to do and all these things. Two days of euphoric bliss, I thought, and at a really nice hotel.
Didn't happen. She laughed at me when I spilled the beans and said I would cancel the reservations. Thinking that I was joking.
Why the hell would I joke about something like that?
Even then, she replies without any empathy whatsoever. Just a "lol" basically, and a "we'll talk about the hotel when you get back" meaning, when I get back from my 21 day long shift.
She just doesn't give a fuck. The trouble I went though. The excitement I had. Planning something nice for the two of us.
No. She would rather go out dancing with her sister and a friend. Saying she didn't want to be a "bad" sister.
But she's okay with being a bad girlfriend.
I mean, come on. She LIVES with her sister. She sees her everyday! It's not like they haven't had a chance to connect in a long while.
It's not like she couldn't postpone it. Is it really that important for her to go?
Whatever. We had our fight,and it was a big one. She then wrote me this email addressing all of the concerns I had about her from last week, including this particular decision of hers.
I forgave her, but man... She texted me a picture of herself two hours ago wearing lipstick and makeup and ready to head out.
Fuck, man. This is not what I expected to have of a girlfriend. Or a wife.
We hung out briefly on Thursday night. It wasn't much of anything. Her sister was there and so was her daughter. We then spent maybe an hour in the car afterwards before I had to drive her home.
Friday night, we didn't do anything. Her daughter was still there and so was her sister.
And Saturday.. Well. I spent most of today making my bedroom look nice and giving it a fresh look. Bought this nice new sound system. Rearranged stuff.
Sighs.
This girl is going to be the death of me. I can...
Man...
Even my mom earlier today was surprised that we weren't spending Saturday together. When I explained why, she actually told me to have more control over her. But I tried. We had this argument already. Nothing came of it. If I can't entice her with a fancy hotel, then there's no hope in reversing her decision.
I hate it. This is... such a test. A trial.
My worse fears being exposed. The fear of betrayal. Her meeting some guy. Maybe blowing him in a bathroom. I don't know. That lipstick she put on had its historical origin in prostitution.
And the makeup. And the mascara. Stuff that I've saw maybe once in the time I've been with her.
It is such a joke. Such cruelty. And she is oblivious to all this. She will make excuse until the cows come home.
She is not good at reassuring me. She doesn't feel like she has to. And I don't know what'll happen when she comes by tomorrow, but I doubt I'm going to feel excited enough to make her excited. To please her in conversation and in bed.
That's the problem. When I feel good, she gets to feel good. When I feel like shit, I will then treat her that way. Or I will be boring. Restrained. Without passion or fire or flame.
And then she in turn will feel the effects of that. And that will cause a downward spiral where she feels less for me because of her inability to express affection and empathy in a committed relationship.
Her priorities... Well. I can only see myself in the reverse situation. My girlfriend is coming home after being out of town for a week and tells me she's going to be gone for three weeks once she goes back. Then, she decides to surprise me with a two day stay at a hotel. Her expense.
Would I really brush her off and tell her that I'm going out with friends instead?
Fola made the argument that her sister is important to her. I don't dispute that. What I do dispute is her behaving like she's still single.
I dispute her dressing herself all up with makeup and lipstick and going out to get hit on by guys. Or talking to guys. Most of whom are likely to be single and are looking to get laid.
I don't like this kind of relationship. It's painful. It wounds me like nothing else. I can still remember the feeling of betrayal that Lauren has left me with all those years ago. I can still remember how other girlfriends of mine have and would never do anything like this.
Georgina certainly wouldn't.
Sighs.
I keep thinking that... I have to learn from all this. About power. About attraction. About relationships and my role in them. I have to learn something. To do and behave in a way that will make me into a better man.
But boy does Fola make it difficult. In this almost necessary way I have to become Zen-like just to manage to get through moments like this. And it's tough. As much as I've learned about detachment and being true to who I am, and going through life without expectations; Fola is putting all that to the test and making me examine the convictions of my beliefs.
I haven't done much writing in a long while. My other blog is basically dead. Haven't posted on there since September.
I really should get back to writing again. I don't know why I've stopped. But that can't be good. Writing is something I'm... decent at. I enjoy it when I write something meaningful and interesting and revealing.
But this girl consumes all of my thoughts and energy. I HAVE to detach myself from them.
I have to find my purpose on my own. She can't be my purpose or meaning in life.
And yet. It feels like she is.
I can't explain it. The intense connection we have is not without meaning. It can be developed more than it already is. It can become better and more powerful and deeper and amazing and incredible.
And yet, she undermines it. In so many small subtle ways. Like this thing tonight.
I'm so tired of her immaturity. Her lack of consideration. I decided to text her telling her exactly how I was feeling about all this and she wrote back with "I understand" and a "I love you".
That's it. She understands and she loves me.
Well, I don't feel loved. This doesn't feel like love to me at all. Especially when I'm texting her today and she's writing this short, dead-end responses. Not much in the way of expanding the conversation at all. Just getting by.
I miss how we were. I want that back.
I want more than what we are. Marriage. Maybe kids. Moving in together.
Being happy, especially. I don't feel like I've been happy with her in the past while.
And when I am unhappy, everyone around me suffers.
And she does not DO anything. Her email to me talked about how she wants to "build me up" after I told her how it felt like she was tearing me down all week.
Well Fola. Build me up then. I haven't seen an example of this since you typed those words.
But you sure like to speak them.
Live by the words you speak. Have some integrity. Follow through. Show some empathy.
Be a good girlfriend to me.
And I will be an amazing boyfriend in return.
But...
She is who she is and I have to accept that. I have no other choice. I can voice my concerns and complains and issue ultimatums, but what good is any of that going to do? Something will come up again. And again. And again.
I just have to face the fact that Fola is a challenge for me to get through, and I must see it though.
No matter what she does or says.
I have to stay true to myself. To find and accomplish my purpose. To realize happiness on my own terms and not with her.
Even though I want to.
That's the tough part. The nonsensical part, really. Shouldn't we both be working towards a good relationship? Why does it feel so one-sided.
I mean...
Ugh. I can't say she doesn't do anything. Around my birthday, she was perfect, but that then faded off. Just like everything fades off with her.
It all ties into the respect she has for me, I suppose. When I have no respect for myself, it shows. And she will walk all over me, making things worse.
She is really testing me I tell you. Testing my autonomy.
My patience.
My faith.
It really feels like a situation where I have to have faith. No matter what.
It feels like I've lost it in the past month or so.
It feels like I've disconnected from the source.
And I don't like that either.
It would be easy for me to point fingers and say this is why it is. Because of this and that and this drama and that awkwardness and this lack of consideration and on and on it goes.
But, I can't...
Can't keep doing that.
She is making me how I feel. I know this.
But I get to choose how I feel. I know this too.
And when I believe in myself. In my powers. In my talents and emotions and being comfortable in my skin and knowing full-well what I have to offer the girl of my dreams; it all becomes a kind of magic onto myself.
And it lasts for as long as until she undermines all that. Like with tonight.
Sighs.
I have recently begun thinking of her as a test. Perhaps this is exactly what it is. I have to shrug everything off. I have to see myself as a key and she is a door. She exists only for me to walk through it to the other side.
And on the other side, must be where my true love is waiting for me. My true twin flame.
The girl of my dreams.
I still remember Boyd at Sundra Healing and how we did the card reading together. He asked me at one point to really ask myself if I knew whether or not my twin flame was here.
I remember saying no. She wasn't.
And perhaps that is the actual truth of how things are.
Perhaps this lifetime will not be the one where I will get to be with her.
Perhaps she was Georgina, and I screwed that up. Wasn't ready.
But in the next life I will be.
I will have earned the right to be with her.
Somehow or another, my love and I will be reunited.
And all this heartache will have been worth going through.
Perhaps.
We will see.
For now I must rest. Relax. Take things as they come.
Be honest with myself.
Really honest.
And pray that I am doing the right thing each step of the way.
Because it's all I can really do.
Well... Midnight. Probably should go to bed.
Fola is still at the thing.
Well blog.
I love you man.
You don't complain or judge or do anything but listen to the crap I have to say. Whatever it is, makes no difference.
And it feels good.
Good enough for me to be able to survive another day.
And figure stuff out.
I am...
Sighs. Don't know if I want to even say this to you my blog, but everyone has their secrets and I have a pretty big one. There are hints of it scattered throughout my posts.
You're smart enough to put two and two together.
I am.
I will.
I am here.
And I will prevail.
