Wonderful. Wrote a bunch of stuff in this post, went to answer a phone call from Fola, and it's gone. Didn't auto save or anything. Thanks Blogger app. You're as unreliable and limited as usual.
I had written about what transpired after the last post. We met up the next day after I texted her what I thought was a rational well thought out argument, and it ended with not much of a resolution, but amazing sex. As usual.
I was too tired to bother arguing with her anymore. Yes, she's my twin flame, and yes, I am supposed to be learning from all this. About who I am and what I need. What I desire and dream.
And she basically turned my longings into a funhouse mirror where my values and concerns look twisted and grotesque.
Yes, so. I am tired of holding onto those values and concerns. Guarding them like a precious resource. That is not to say I no longer find them appealing, but it is to say that there are some things that I cannot demand of my partner.
Particularly from her.
I am about common ground. Believing in making sacrifices and compromise where needed in order to elevate my partner. I believe this goes both ways. Fola, however, is insistent upon autonomy. Where happiness exists independently of one another. That is the core of our arguments and disputes with one another I suppose. I find it hypocritical when she says such things because had I asserted my autonomy, I would have no need for a relationship or a reason to please anyone but myself. And same goes for her.
So this the battle I'm in. I am expected to be this hero. This lone ranger, and not be reliant on anyone else but myself. And on the other side, I truly believe that a relationship is like a collaborative effort to make two people stronger together than they would be on their own. Fola is correct in what she says, in a certain way, but greviously incorrect when looking at the bigger picture.
Hm. I'm stumped. I don't know how to feel about someone who would only be enamored of me when I am fully and completely awake and alive by my own hand. This means she would only be excited to hitch onto my wagon, rather than to help me push it forward so that it'll get enough speed. She would rather stand on the sidelines and wait for me to score a touchdown, than to pay attention and offer support for while I am struggling to do so. Does that make any sense? I don't know. I'm tired right now, and I'm not thrilled that I have had two sick days off work in camp and it's going to be minus 33 tomorrow.
I remember the way we were. She was only excited when I kept my distance, preserved my energy and expressed my authenticity.
And time with her, has worn down my edge. Made me forget who I really am and what I aspire to find in a loving relationship.
I'm learning in this painful way, that I have to find acceptance in how I am, who I am with, and where I am going. To dream my big dreams. And to do it in this lonely way, without really being built up or made appreciated for anything of what I do.
Feels like I'm rambling right now.
So, yes. We made it through another crisis and ended up having amazing sex. Again. For two days in a row.
Despite everything we ever fight about, forgiveness is ridiculously easy to come by. Not sure if this is a weakness or a failing on my part. Probably is both.
I keep finding the lines I draw in the sand, are being washed away by the feelings of my heart. My head argues, but my soul says to keep going. To keep pushing on. There is something beautiful and sacred about this connection we have, and we have yet to fully understand and respect it.
I keep telling her about middle ground. The importance of us being in disagreement, but not to the extent where we each declare our way to be the correct opinion or view to have. There needs to be a mutual understanding and respect for how we can build upon this relationship to be better than it is. If having scones baked for me is going to put a smile on my face, then she should bake me scones.
But I also must meet her halfway, and give her something of myself that requires effort.
To be honest and true to myself. Detached and unconcerned about her behavior, because I know I don't have to put up with anything that compromises my right to happiness. Yes, she will be inconsistent at times, and yes, I will have to learn to remove myself from the expectations she puts into my head whenever she says things she doesn't follow through on.
We didn't resolve much of what my concerns were, given how skilfully evasive and naive her responses were, but she did acknowledge my points and that's fine enough by me.
For now, anyways.
I love that woman. I know she loves me, even if I am confused about how and when she chooses to express that.
But, there's nothing I can do, except to work on myself. I can't control or demand things of her unless I feel them to be extremely important requests. Such as monogamy. I will not budge on that one, and I am happy that she is being accommodating to me in that respect.
So. There. Think I've said what needs to be said.
A twin flame relationship is going to be painful. Beautiful but painful.
But it's worth being in one, because the possibilities are endless.
And the love has so much depth, that it would be difficult to drink from any other well. Nothing is more satisfying to the palate of the soul, than a person with whom your deepest self can be revealed towards. In ways that words fail to convey.
So this is my journey. To evolve. To grow. To learn more about myself and there is no better teacher for me, than the woman I am now with.
I suspect she is learning things also.
Well blog. Got two texts from her.
Going back into the fray. This violent dance.
This trial by fire.
Good night. Love you.
Hope I can make you proud.
