Yesterday I met Fola's best friend Lenore at Remedy Cafe, and well, it was okay.
One thing I've learned, is that a lot of millennials happen to have this air of selfishness and separation around them. As if they aren't too fond of poking a head outside of their bubble to see what lies beyond their limited perceptions.
I came about this observation after a bit of sitting at the table at Remedy, listening to Fola and Lenore talk about people I don't know and situations I have little interest in. Basically they were gossiping. It would have made no difference if I was there or not, and for Lenore to have said that she really wants to meet me; she certainly didn't express much interest in talking about anything but her own issues of which I had no familiarity with. There wasn't a "so what do you do for work? what are you interested in?" moment with her, and Fola was to blame also for not being more inclusive. Although she did draw me in a few times, the conversation itself was about on par with my telling someone about a person we mutually know, while my partner is off to the side like she doesn't exist. Kind of like two Cricket players talking specifics about the sport, while the third person there has no idea what Cricket is.
Meh. It didn't bother me too much, I was able to let my eye wander around the cafe and find interest in the people that were there. It wasn't a complete bust, however, as Lenore finally got into something that I could chew on when she brought up the rights of indigenous women and their mistreatment in society. Although I didn't know much about the topic, we shared a moment of connection and passion/energy flowed between us.
One thing I didn't like is how silent Fola was during this phase. I also didn't like how she kept smiling, as if she was excited to see fireworks between us since I'm passionate about certain issues as well, and anyone who gets into the subject of the "patriarchy" and how shitty it has been for civilization, tends to arouse certain convictions within myself that I feel compelled to share.
Fortunately, there were no fireworks. There was a brief spell of mildly heated discussion that went amicably, being that I didn't know much about indigenous women and the plight they face, so I tended to agree with Lenore on much of what she said. Ultimately, I wasn't there to pick a fight and had no interest in a power struggle. Especially with someone I'd only just met. It ended with a hug between us, and that was that.
Hmph. Fola... Well. Sex is as amazing as ever. When we got back and started listening to Dracula as performed by Kronos Quartet and Philip Glass; I felt really at peace and within myself. So much so, that I'm certain Fola felt the energy I was putting out and became enamored of it. So we had sex. Amazing sex, again I must say.
But still, she's a royal... hm. Pain in the butt was what I was going to say next, but.. I still can't quite label her as I would like to. There is ignorance in her, particularly when she argues with me about things and then months down the road, uses my same arguments for her own, as if I had never said them in the first place. "Action speaks louder than words" for example, was one of the things I kept saying back in the day because I was tired of all the promises and "I want to..." she kept telling me. I would rather she show me that she loves me, than to talk about it. Or to say things like, "I wish I could commit more to you" and then not following through on what that might entail. Or the feelings and sentiments behind that. Just like a light switch, she'll say something like that and the next hour she is completely forgetful of whatever it was she said or promised or felt. But yeah, she threw out that quote of mine as if she earnestly believed it.
Meh. I'm not doing the best job of describing all this, but generally I think it's safe to say that hypocrisy is a huge problem with her. On the couch last night she kept talking about how she wants psychic powers and to develop her intuition and see auras and all this jazz; and all I could think was how impatient and power-hungry she was. Even if she got those things, she would not know how to use them. More importantly, she wouldn't deserve to have those things. Like giving a gun to a chimpanzee who has no idea how to clean or maintain it, and only knows how to pull the trigger.
I tried to tell her that self-awareness and working on her spiritual development is far more important than getting psychic "powers". I often see how lacking in self-awareness she really is, and I feel disappointed each time I see her become oblivious to what she says and does and how it affects those around her and how contrary some of the things she says are. Such as how she wants to be a "healer" but has little to offer in the way of genuine compassion and understanding and desire to really become grounded and aware of who she is and what she is lacking in. There is no... Well, I tried to offer up an analogy which probably went in one ear and out the other. It went like this:
"You are trying to get from the bottom of the stairs to the top, without taking it one step at a time."
And I think that sums it up best. She wants everything for nothing. She is ignorant of the fact that to help yourself and to better yourself is absolutely a requirement if you wish to better others. You can't heal someone if you don't understand them, and the best way to start in understanding others, is to first understand yourself.
And she most certainly does not understand herself.
There are more details on how I came about to this conclusion, but I don't feel interested enough to list them all out. Suffice to say, it came to a point last night where I said my prayers and asked for advice. To be shown in a dream or in a sign, as to what is the purpose of my being with Fola. What am I supposed to achieve? Or her? Or help her achieve? Am I the master or slave in this relationship? The student more so than the teacher? Or are we both teachers and students? Am I supposed to help her evolve? Is that my role? What did I sign up for?
So I asked for a sign or a dream that would provide this answer, and I believe I was given one because I woke up this morning remembering two dogs.
Each were English Sheepdogs. The type of breed I most would want to own someday. One was covered in almost completely white fur, while the other was in gray.
At the beginning of the dream, I remember seeing each dog by a group of people. Ostensibly their owners, and as the dream progressed, these two dogs were wandering around lost as I drove by.
Each of them had a leash attached that was trailing behind them. Interestingly, the white one was split in "two" pieces, the back half and the front half. The grey one was whole. I then acquired both of them, and the white one may have became whole again. I can't remember.
So this is how I analyzed the dream:
Those two dogs represented something I wanted. English Sheepdog. Wanted or desired or admired.. take your pick.
The white one represented me. The more conscientious and righteous and sensible one. The one that respected morals and virtues and decency and expressed purity.
The grey one represented Fola. The other half to the Yin and Yang of these two dogs. The darker side. The not so conscientious and respectful or decent and morally virtuous.
I realize I am sounding like I'm this amazingly virtuous person, and I don't like to label myself this way, but comparing myself and Fola; I do fit that category more than she does.
So... The white one was in half because it needed to be whole. It was torn between the light and the dark, is how I came to see it. Torn in two different directions.
Each of the dogs became lost, until I found them.
And perhaps this is the point. I had to find Fola. That was my purpose. She was lost and now she is found.
But I am torn between two worlds here. I do not agree with a lot of what she does and believes in. She is the Destroyer of worlds, I would almost say. The type that doesn't see the value in structures and institutions and traditions. The type that would rather tear it all down to (presumably) build something new atop the rubble.
Problem is with that approach, is that she has no idea of what to replace a destroyed tradition or institution with. There is no intelligence behind any of it. I mean, sure, there is intelligence, but not of the kind that has thought of the best resolution/outcome for everybody other than the intelligence itself.
I am also reminded of how she complained to me about festival goers who show up to "party hard" and do drugs, rather than to listen to the music or to soak in the spirit of the festival itself and what it is commemorating.
To me, that is hypocrisy. The Shambhala festival was built on love and compassion and spirituality, so yes, a bunch of drunken idiots who show up to party hard and do drugs; is entirely missing the point of all that and should not be included in the festivities. She agreed with me on this.
And yet, she doesn't seem to understand, no matter how many ways I try to impress it upon her, that her gripe with the festival is translating to other areas as well. Marriage, for example, can only function when its principles are adhered towards. You can't show up being irresponsible and thoughtless and inconsiderate and selfish when it comes to getting married. I mean, sure, people do this all the time, and look where that takes them. Divorce. Acrimonious splits. "Irreconcilable differences."
And she can't seem to understand any of this. She wants to do away with marriage. With church. With other things.
Particularly hypocritical, was her once telling me that all information needs to be "free" and "shared" but she withholds things from me all the time. Wouldn't tell me what a certain Reiki symbol means until I took the course. Wouldn't share any of the techniques or things discussed at her Shaman retreat; wouldn't share much about the NLP course she's taking. Just completely hypocritical. We had a big argument about that and my words didn't seem to make a dent. She wants to keep secrets between us but wants me to be open and honest with her? Not going to happen. She is intentionally drawing a line separating us. Everything for nothing.
One other thing I brought up, was how important it is for respect to be shown towards sacredness. What I mean by that, is respecting a sacred moment in time and not take it lightly or for granted or dismiss it shortly after it has been presented to you. I speak of the sex we have sometimes, where it felt outerwordly and transcendent; only for her to forget about it shortly after like it never existed.
The example I gave her about all this, was when I got my attunement done during Reiki class. I was annoyed that shortly after it ended, like seconds after, the two Reiki "masters" Donna and Valerie; started gabbing about unrelated stuff and pulling me out of the moment. Disrespecting the moment, to be more precise. Taking it for granted. Marginalizing it.
Same stuff.
But what did Fola say about that example? She turned it around on me, and said it was okay for those two to gab about whatever they wanted. That I shouldn't "control" moments like that by insisting they play out exactly as I would want them to.
What a load of crock. Thats not what I meant at all. Yes, I desire respect to be shown towards an act of sacredness and the proper reverence it is due; but I do not get upset that I can't "control" a situation. I am more upset that people violate the sacred in favor of the profane, in favor of their own selfish needs and desires and wants at the expense of others.
It's such a stupid argument. She is all about letting go of "control" and structure and norms and rituals and practices that all have their particular rules and etiquette, but she is annoyed that festival-goers who show up to party hard and do drugs are ignoring the spirit and intentions of the event they are attending.
See what I mean by hypocrisy? It runs deep with her. It annoys the hell out of me, but I am trying my best to be patient and understanding and gentle with her. But I don't know if even this is the correct approach to take. She wants to do away with convention, but at the same time wants to keep them.
I'm seeing our relationship as a kind of battle. She won't respect or listen to anything of what I say, but she will happily parrot exactly the points I use to argue with her, months down the road.
Guess I'll have to accept that.
If my purpose is to drag her towards a higher evolution, kicking and screaming; then so be it. If this is what I have to put up with, I suppose I will grit my teeth and bear it.
Because there is progress. In the short-term, she will be argumentative and resistant to what I am saying, but I know later on that the things I tell her will manifest themselves inside of her mind and become a part of who she is.
It'll take time.
She likes to argue. To goad people. To get reactions out of them even if she has to play the ignorant or contrary fool to do so.
I understand that on a level. I was much the same way she is.
So. It'll take time.
And...
Guess I got my answer.
Hm.
One more day and then back on a plane to Fort Hills.
Three weeks off.
Time to get myself back to work.
