So, check the time blog (edit: 11:44pm). Still Christmas, and I woke up from a dream.
In it, I remember walking around thinking about a text Fola has sent me about some guy she could "listen to for hours next to a pillow" and his name was "Qi or Ki" or something like that. I remember how I needed or wanted her to love or see me at that moment, and that I didn't know where she was because she wasn't answering the phone.
Then I was walking around some meat market with a mom and her child. They had vegetables there too, and I remember noticing they didn't have any garlic available.
But throughout, Fola's text kept lingering.
And as I woke up to have a smoke, I realized that she is not someone worth counting upon. I can't trust her. Her moods are so volitile and selfish, that the above mentioned scenario felt completely plausible to me. She would leave me hanging for hours with a text like that on my mind. Not caring how I feel about it.
It's Christmas, and my day sucked. - 41 with the windchill, 12 hour shifts, and they gave us horribly bad pizza for lunch and no Christmas dinner either.
I'm so far from home and lonely, that I could use some cheering up. Fola sent me a lovely text in the morning, but her moods changed and nothing much came after that. She left me hanging in a similar way to how I felt in my dream. Sudden mood change. No empathy. No emotion. No desire to cheer me up.
She later told me to get Whatsapp so she could send me stuff. It was disappointing. Spent most of my day looking forward to her promised "talk with you throughout the day" and I had hardly ever heard of her during work.
She could've sent me a nice picture of herself smiling. Didn't do that, and sent a sarcastic one of her and her sister. Sent me a nice video of Ivy opening up my gift, but cut the video short after she spitefully declared "what is that?!" as her daughter pulled out the talking parrot I got for her while her dad helped her open the box.
I told Fola three times to wait until tomorrow for my gifts to be opened. To spare Larry this moment. But she didn't listen and she didn't offer an explanation as to why she changed her mind.
This girl is not a good person. My time apart is showing me just how supportive and interested she is in me. There is no warmth in her soul, her voice or her actions.
Cold. Disrespectful. Entitled. Clueless. No empathy.
I'm thinking we aren't going to Cuba next month. It'll be her fault, too. Where is the money going to come from? She still owes me three or four hundred dollars from our last trip. She had over half a year to pay that off. Could have worked two days of overtime to have done it.
But hasn't. I don't think she's saving for our trip. I don't think she'll be faithful to me. I don't think she is worth making into a wife because she is difficult to negotiate with.
Yesterday we fought because I felt like she was withdrawn and holding details from me. She responded with weak unconvincing excuses and then a "we'll do better" comment. As if I had some complicity in her being distant and nonchalant.
Next day? Same issues. Hardly any texts or pictures of her Christmas while I was outside at work all day.
Garbage. Lies. Selfish and clueless and unable to place her supposed "other half" ahead of her own interests.
Was going to go to sleep thinking she isn't going to call, and because we had another sort of fight over this topic. She had the nerve to send me a quote about finding things to appreciate in my partner rather than focus on the negative.
I was insulted. She doesn't work to make this into a harmonious relationship. Which was what the quote intended to give advice upon.
I bet when I come back from my shift, she is not going to plan anything special for me. Not like the hotel room I wanted us to have last time I came back, but which she turned down so she could go dancing.
Anyways, so I texted her saying that I'm going to bed and that I understand that she's too busy to talk to me. Then she calls ten minutes later saying she intended to call, but didn't tell me when that would be. Was I supposed to ask? What if I didn't message her? Would she have called then?
Fuck, man. Listening to her on the phone, I don't hear love in her voice. It's this flat disaffected tone that feels distanced and awkward. No warmth. No attempt at cheering me up.
Painful.
Not what I want from my soulmate. Twin flame. Or any other type of relationship.
I talked to my mom for 20 minutes at around 7. So much warmth. I know she loves me. It's easy to tell.
I didn't have to call her, she called me.
From the two hours when I came to camp and went to bed, Fola decided to wait until the last minute before calling me. Saying she was going to call me all along.
Yeah, no. This girl doesn't have a heart. The bulk of our arguments all seem to involve her inability to be compassionate and loving and truthful and accountable and generous with her thoughts and feelings.
To be thoughtful and considerate enough to have told me earlier when she planned on calling. On a day when guys at work are in constant touch with their loved ones and are getting pictures and communications from them.
I don't know what else to say. I don't like where we are going. I am reminded of Jordan Peterson and how he said to look for someone you can negotiate effectively with, as far as a life partner goes.
I'm also reminded of Jordan when he said to find someone that complements and challenges you. I have.
Oh lord, I have.
And yet.
She is this empty shell. The tin man and I'm either the lion or the scarecrow in this little drama of ours.
I keep thinking I need to be more self reliant, and to not place any hopes or expectations onto her. And that's not good. I can't expect or hope for her to cheer me up because she is so fickle and clueless about how and when, because she has no empathy and the world revolves around her.
This is my cross to bear. I have never been with anyone like her before because she does feel like a mirror version of myself. A twin. Danny Devito.
What I lack, she has. What she does not have, I do.
Unfortunately, the friction is not being worked at. From her end, I feel.
Always saying what she plans on doing but rarely following through. No integrity. No confidence. No trust, and no faith.
I.
I...
I still seem to have faith in her, and that is about all that's keeping us together. This thin scrap of faith that I somehow still have left.
Not sure why she is sticking around with me, given how much I seem to be complaining about her.
I remember she was not like this when we first met. Her smiles were easy, and she did nice things for me and made me feel appreciated and loved.
No longer.
And I truly don't think that much of the blame for all this is falling on me.
When we met, I was riding a high. I loved who I was and am. I was confident and assured and the best possible version of myself at the time.
But she wore me down. As this blog testifies.
It takes two people to make a relationship work.
Not just one. As I am finding out.
So tired of this my God. This lonely cold Christmas. This heartbroken feeling when I supposedly have a girlfriend that loves me.
It feels like I'm living inside of a lie that she created.
This false persona. I felt early on that I couldn't trust her. I knew early on that there wasn't much depth to her and she was cold and emotionally neutered.
Wounded.
I knew this and tried running away. Multiple times.
But I am wounded also.
I'm on a path. The right path, but I don't know if I see Fola with me at the finish line. I don't see her being the wife or mother I have been dreaming to be with all these years.
I saw a sign earlier today. Small one, but as I was preparing tea in my cup, I glanced at the microwave and saw that the numbers said 1:11. It was around 630pm when I seen that.
Apparently I'm on the right path.
So.
Let this war continue between us if it needs to.
But I'll be damned if I let her break my heart or my spirit.
And I think this is what I must protect myself from.
By being self reliant. To not depend on her for anything. Not courtesy. Not respect. Not happiness, and certainly not the type of love that I expect and need in my life. The kind that I have given and shown her.
Multiple times.
God. Creator. Universe. Higher self. Guides.
I am trusting your judgement.
And I need all the help and encouragement and love you are able to offer.
Just keep me on the right path.
Just love and guide me to where I must go.
And let me do the rest.
Merry Christmas to you. Good night.
Love you all.
