Exorcism

What a rough night. Can't say I am liking where things are going with us. Couldn't sleep, so I came downstairs and...

It sucks, man.

We have such opposing views that I don't think this is going to work. She isn't interested in a middle ground. In making compromises. Or taking responsibility for her actions and behavior and working to make our relationship better, rather than worse.

Drama. Always.

Soon as she walked into the door earlier today, it started.

"Why didn't you say hello and hug me?" she asked.

Maybe her barging in and not saying hello or hugging me is par for the course. How often does she do this for me? This girl who once resented my hugging her? The girl who I have to fight to get affection off of?

And.. It's such a mess. I don't know what to do.

Problems, always. She texted me just now saying she wished I would come to bed and cuddle, but I wrote back saying she didn't want to cuddle earlier. And that's true. She could have, we could have.

But we didn't.

It seems that when I withdraw, she wants to get closer. When I want to get closer, she withdraws.

I hate it.

I can't respect her views on things. She thinks Christmas is absurd. Thinks we could do away with it. Thinks marriage is dumb. Thinks we should do away with that as well.

One of the moments I disliked the most, was when we went for dinner at Original Joes. Discussion turned towards the conspiracy end of things regarding the Illuminati/OTO/etc and she gleefully announces that she would join an organization like that if she could.

When I pointed out the selfishness behind these groups, the evil within them; she reiterates that we need a dark to have a light.

Makes no sense to me. I get that, but why align yourself that way? Basically saying she is willing to be evil in order to get what she wants. Because apparently there is a need for a dark side to be expressed and someone has to play the villain.

Otherwise there are no heroes.

 But, that's not the type of partner I want. We're in opposite directions. I want to have a loving, supportive, understanding partnership where we look out for one another, make each other laugh, respect each other's views, work towards giving affection when the other person needs it; and having empathy for them enough to understand where they are coming from and where they wish to be going.

She doesn't have that. I am reminded of a few months ago where I called her a narcissist.

I still feel that this is... Well..

Sighs.

Not happy about this relationship at all. Just fights. Instead of openly complaining, she could swallow her pride for a while, force a smile onto her face and say something nice instead.

It's what I would have done. It's what I've often been doing.

And I don't have much energy anymore for this. She takes. Rarely gives.

Not much appreciation from her. Very little gratitude. Hardly any consideration for my needs and wants.

I feel so disconnected from her right now. I can't imagine this all turning around. It has to be a mutual effort. She can't say things like "I want to please you" or "I want to build you up" and then not follow through on any of these.

I can't respect this lack of integrity.

And with no respect, I don't see how things are going to get better.

Relationships take work. Sometimes we do things we don't feel like doing, in order to please someone else. This small sacrifice is a sign of commitment. Of love, basically, where we summon forth strength for the benefit of someone other than ourselves.

I feel that she doesn't do this nearly as often as I do.

And..

Well. I will go to my grave knowing that I've given this my best. I've tried. Always been trying. Still trying.

And clearly I am doing something wrong.

I am with a woman who is blown about by the changing winds of her moods and feelings. She'll say something one minute, and act completely different the next.

Some people would say that this is how women are. But I have not been involved with a woman like Fola, so I disagree with such volatility being the norm.

Besides, she should know better. There is such a thing called self-awareness. She should know the effects her actions and behavior are having on me.

But, even if she does know, she doesn't think anything has to be done about it. No correction required. I am the one who is responsible for how I feel when she does something that pushes me away or angers me or disappoints me.

I am responsible.

And I accept that. But what I don't and should not accept, is being taken for granted.

And so, my blog, I am not in a happy place right now. Three weeks of work is coming up. Christmas is coming up which I will be missing. Same with New Years.

But I'm sure Fola will have a good time without me.

As she often does.

We will argue about the need to respect traditions and customs, and in the end, her hypocrisy is such that she will happily celebrate and demand such traditions and customs.

I can't seem to make a dent in her thinking. It's exhausting. Arguing for arguing sake, is what I feel she is doing.

Anytime she is backed into a corner, she plays the victim. Anytime there is a solid argument made on my part, she will not concede my points but rather dismiss them or change the subject.

Or provide a nonsensical answer.

Such as my example of taking the game of football and changing the rules so that players can carry weapons with them onto the field, attack the fans, and do whatever the hell they want.

What I was trying to tell her that it would no longer be football if we did such things. There is a reason we have rules and boundaries. They allow for stability. They allow for progress and achievement and all such things.

The real issue is when there are too many rules that they stifles freedom and innovation and passion.

Yet, she does not want to inhabit the grey area that I reside inside of.

I am not asking for 100% agreement from her on all my views. That is impossible. What I am disappointed and disrespected by is putting forth a solid argument and having her shoot it down. And when it comes time for her to present her argument? It hardly stands up to scrutiny. An embarrassment at times, really.

Apparently she is the wise and enlightened one while I have no freaking clue what I am doing.

I am the village idiot.

And that does not feel good to me.

Since she shaved her head, she has been acting strangely. More masculine. More ignorant. More volatile.

Less feminine. Less soft. Less of what I used to like about her most.

Well. I don't know what I can do about any of this.

Just let it play itself out.

Because I have no other choice.

And I am responsible for my own happiness. I get that, but I also recognize and desire what being in a strong partnership brings.

A relationship filled with love and passion and magic and happiness and respect does not happen inside of a vacuum.

I am not basing my happiness on her, either. At least I don't think I am.

But when the woman you love and apparently are loved by decides to wound you with a knife in small subtle ways; over and over without knowing what she is doing, then I have to wonder why I am even in a relationship like this. Do I enjoy abuse?

Maybe I just continue to have hope.

Though it feels to have faded significantly in the past while.

Confidence leads to trust. And trust leads to faith.

And I don't have much confidence in her ability to be rational and level-headed and putting the interests of someone else ahead of her own.

I love that woman.

And I hate her.

She's forcing me to become like she is and I refuse to do so. I will not agree with her on some of the things that she believes in.

That's not honoring the highest good.

God.

I am a hero.

I will always be one.

I will always honor that which is good and true.

And I must continue to soldier on and believe in myself.

No matter what gets thrown at me to compromise my right to being happy and loved.

And respected.

So.

Guess I have to go upstairs and lay down with her again.

5am. Not even feeling tired.

No explanation for this, really.

It is what it is.

Tathita.

Suchness.

Let the chips fall where they may.