When I went back into bed after writing the last post, she made a tiny effort to cuddle. That was nice but a part of me didn't want to embrace into her and get burned again.
So I kept my distance. Seems that I stayed awake until she woke up. Then I fell asleep for a bit.
Woke up around the time she started meditating, about an hour later.
It is so strange with us. I seem to be able to pick up on her. Yesterday there was additional strangeness where I had licorice on hand, and she mentioned craving licorice a few days earlier.
Gave her anal last night when she was thinking about how we haven't had anal for a long while, the day before.
Moved a statue from the bedroom to downstairs, and she said she had this hunch I moved one of them. She said it was Fortuna, but it was Lady Justice that I moved instead. Close enough.
I suppose we still have a connection with one another.
Before she left for work, I had this thought pop into my head about soul contracts. There was this thing I remember seeing on her Pinterest where it was a Reiki symbol designed to let go of past lives and soul contracts. I also remember her sending me a video with some "light transmission" in being able to do the same thing.
So I brought this up and she was confused. Saying that the symbol had nothing to do with soul contracts or past lives.
This symbol also works very well when one wants to access their past lives. When Zonar is drawn on the Solar Plexus, it helps us to access our past lives where there is healing for trauma needed. It works as a spiritual and emotional anesthesia hence reducing the emotional pain, helping us to get rid of addictions, break repeated patterns and eliminating toxic relations from our life. Whilst accessing one’s past lives their Reiki Guides can be called for guidance.
Sure sounds like past lives to me. She was saying it was about healing the solar plexus. Okay, so we were both right on this.
But still. Argument. Small one, but an argument over this nonetheless where she asked me why I brought this up.
Earlier I was thinking that we do have a soul contract between us. I am supposed to do something and so does she. For each other's benefit. Fola agreed such things exist, but decided again to argue over what "contract" means. As in the actual word.
A contract is a pact made between two or more people in order to achieve an intended purpose. I do something, the other party does something. That's a contract.
Her explanation didn't even make sense to me. She completely left out "obligation" in the description that she gave me of it. That's what a contract is. An obligation. A responsibility.
So the reason I was thinking about this, is because we likely have a contract between us and thus, an obligation.
I am thinking that my vow is to tell the truth and to make her into a better human being.
And I am thinking that her vow is to... listen and love.
I am only guessing at this. Making her into a better human being isn't an active process, I don't think. It is more like the effect of my own thoughts and beliefs and actions and behavior. And when I think about how she was when we met and how she is now; I already do see the changes.
But it feels like she's regressing. Ever since she shaved her head. When I saw her meditating downstairs, I couldn't help but think about how manly she looked. Had I not known she was a woman, I could easily mistake her for a guy just judging from the neck up.
There is that hardness in her face. That hardness in her soul. This fierce warrior-like mentality of hers has consumed her physical features, I feel. At least when she had long hair, it reminded her of her femininity. It expressed and displayed that.
And as superficial as it sounds, without her long hair she has given herself over to a more manly persona.
No softness. No tenderness. No compassion. No fucks given.
I feel like the bitch in this relationship now because of how skewed our energies are. I am the one who wants to feel deeper emotions and love and be treated nicely and taken care of and taking care of my partner. Basically a nurturer.
Her? She wants to play the hunter part. She wants to charge full steam ahead to where ever. Even though she doesn't know where that would be, she's determined to get there.
No matter what the cost.
Remember the Illuminati and OTO thing I mentioned earlier. She is willing to sell her soul off.
And I can only remember how hard my eyes rolled when she blindly validated the purpose of these kind of groups. Or how hard my eyes rolled when she responded to my question of "you would sell your soul to the devil, huh?" with "does the devil even exist?" or something along those lines. Like the devil and God are one.
I get it Fola. Everything is "one".
Another thing that bothers me was how she called herself a "creator" when we were talking about the licorice and the anal and the statue and how those things manifested. I felt bothered by all that, because I wasn't given any credit and was made to feel like a bit player in her drama.
The argument we had after that, was my telling her she is a co-creator and not a "creator" in the sense of being God himself. You want to follow everything to its logical conclusion, then yes, everything is God. Everything comes from the source.
But reality dictates otherwise. My eyes can make the distinction between shapes. This one is different than that one. This one is invisible. That one is heavy, that one is light. Those are DIFFERENCES. These are SEPARATIONS, and though they are individualized aspects of God and are technically God himself; it would be like calling a piece of paper a tree. How nonsensical is that? Or a wooden flute a tree. The functions of each are different. The appearance is different. One is alive, one is not.
And she doesn't get this. These are the kind of banal arguments we have. She would rather argue with me over what a "tree" means than to accept using the common definition. Would rather muddy everything up for the sake of being contrary and in disagreement with me.
"Look Fola, the sky is blue. At least we can both agree to that while looking at it."
"No David, the sky looks blue but it could be bits of red and green and yellow and..."
My God, this woman I tell you.
I get it. There is subjectivity to be had, but not this much subjectivity.
We can't function in this world if we do not share a common reality. Common points of references. Common ways of communication.
Even among multiple languages, you can still translate words to meet your own. There will be some confusion but the meaning is largely left intact. Apple means apple, it can mean fruit, but...
Fuck, man.
She is crazy. Really crazy. Thoughtless and lacking in self-awareness.
I don't understand how she meditates almost every day and not be able to develop awareness within herself.
I don't understand where she gets this muddled thinking from. This desire to be contrary.
She smirked at me as she was leaving for work when she said, "you should write later on, maybe you'll feel better." and I got upset. I realize that on the surface, it is very hard to communicate the sadistic aspect of her personality because she does a masterful job of keeping everything subtle. It would be like smiling at someone while telling them at a funeral, "I am sorry for your loss" it feels that hypocritical and condescending.
Calling her out on something like that, would have her replying with "well I was nervous. Thats why I smiled."
She won't apologize for it either.
I don't respect this woman.
There doesn't seem to be much love in her. Maybe that is why she was drawn to me. Because I had a lot of it to give.
Narcissist vs Empath. I don't want to call myself an empath, and I am sure I have bits of both in me.
But I do feel things very deeply. I can tell what people want. I have an intuition that I feel is more developed than hers, and she is desperately trying to hold it up like its her special quality when she is unable to pair it with logic. You can't be completely intuitive and not have logic involved. You can't be completely logical without allowing for intuition to come in.
But with her, its intuition all the way. And its not even the kind of intuition that would tell her that I am not in a good mood and that I would need a lift or a boost.
It is not the type of intuition that tells her that I've spent a long week at work and exhausted from 12 hour days and that I would deeply appreciate being made to feel important and taken care of.
Instead, she ignores all that in favor of her ego. Her pride. Impulsiveness without logic or rational explanation involved. Does things because of how they "feel" not because of any other particular reason.
She does things to make her "feel" good. At whomever's expense. Such as my own.
When she asks me for things, I give them to her. When I ask her for things, she makes excuses, usually.
It depends on what it is, really. Anything that inconveniences her too much, she will not do. Such as cancelling out on going dancing for a few hours and spending as much time with me as possible before I have to go back to work for three weeks.
She said she was going to come over again tonight, but that was said two days ago. After the night we've had, I don't think she is going to come over tonight.
And I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't. I don't expect her to keep her word. I also don't expect her to be excited to see me after how it went with us yesterday.
There was a moment earlier after she arrived, where she confessed that she was thinking about leaving, but didn't. Making me feel like a third-rate human being who should be grateful for her queenly presence.
This isn't love that we have between us.
This feels more like competition.
This feels more like war.
And as much as I want to work with her to build a better life together; she does not want to put in the effort to include me along with it. She is okay with my putting thought and time and energy into making her feel good, giving her what she wants and doing nice things and making plans and keeping us in good spirits; but there is no obligation on her part to do the same. In her mind, anyways.
I realize now that I need to be more selfish. I can't keep giving her what she wants and letting all the things she does slide into the ether, to be forgotten about soon after I bring up my concerns and complaints about them. She keeps telling me to talk with her whenever I feel her disconnecting or if I feel sad or angry or whatever. But when I do talk to her, the conversation ends up being pointed at me and I am made to feel like I am the one in error and that I have to resolve my own feelings. She is not going to be doing that for me.
So basically, if I am in a bad mood, she has no obligation to cheer me up.
If she is "disconnecting" then she also has no obligation to re-connect.
What is the point of even having a discussion with her if she is not going to make the effort to see things from my point of view and then accepting some of the responsibility for how she made me feel? If not all of it?
All I know is that if my girlfriend came from out of town for a week and booked us a hotel for two days saying that she will be gone for three weeks and wants us to have a special weekend together; I would be excited. I would not be blowing her off saying, "you know what, I am going dancing instead. I don't want to be a bad brother."
Assuming the mirror of our situation, that is.
Had I been living with my brother and seeing him almost every day, I am not going to make the sad excuse of "I don't want to be a bad brother" when it comes to defending why I choose to go out with him rather than spending time with her.
She sees her sister every day.
Well blog. You can see my frustration here. It's not good.
A relationship is only as successful as you make it to be. It doesn't automatically happen without any effort at all. There are times when the other person needs support. Not condemnation. Not ridicule, Not disrespect.
I've had a long hard week. I needed good things. I need to recharge.
She does not want to help me with that.
So.
Fuck it.
I think...
Man... I hesitate in saying that I think we are done.
I don't think we are.
And... There is something I am unaware of that I seem tasked with having to do. Some kind of lesson.
Don't place your dreams in the hands of those that destroy them?
Or should I learn to be more selfish and not give this girl so much attention?
Because it seems that whenever I do, she takes it for granted and doesn't reciprocate.
Maybe this is what I need to do. Retreat back into who I am and was, before I met her.
Connect with my soul, again.
Go where God takes me.
Never compromise my views for someone who is unwilling to compromise theirs.
Don't give away things that will not be given back.
Don't have expectations or attachments to outcomes.
Don't trust women.
Don't dream of a perfect relationship.
Unless...
Well...
Unless she is out there waiting for me. My true Twin Flame.
Then I can dream.
And...
Someday we will be reunited.
But...
I have to go through this first.
And it is painful.
Well... new day. I think I am going to Elk Island park and will do some reading, Have a coffee. Take in a bit of nature.
Then I will have to pack for my departure. Wrap up Christmas presents.
And prepare myself for 21 days away from home.
Prepare myself for a life in which I cannot depend on my partner to give me anything of what I need.
Or want.
Well.
Here goes.
edit: Guess I'll add this one other thing.
Shortly after she arrived yesterday, we got to watching a movie. I then tried to get affectionate with her because it has been a while.
"I'm watching the movie!" she says, pushing me away.
Translation? "Fuck you. This movie is more important to me than for us to connect emotionally after a long absence."
I think that sums it up.
