Well, a fight with Fola again. Seems to happen on a weekly basis now.
I'm at work starting my last shift with zero sleep after spending all night thinking about what I texted Fola with.
It's ridiculous. I love this woman, and I can't say I feel convinced enough to know that she loves me. She'll say it, but I sometimes don't feel it. Or see it.
I have examples to draw from, but I really don't care to list them out. I just have to accept that this is the way she makes me feel at times. When we're not in bed together, or alone; it sometimes feels like I'm with a completely different person.
I don't understand her. I do, and I don't. I was thinking that maybe I don't understand women, but that's not right either. I've been in plenty of relationships before, and I know that I've given Fola the biggest and best parts of myself above all others.
And she takes it for granted. Mind-blowing sex doesn't even fade off with her after we leave the bedroom. It clicks off like a light switch. There is no afterglow. It's almost like I'm a ghost.
Hand holding? She hasn't initiated that yet, so far I don't think. Putting her arm through mine? Might have never been done by her where I didn't have to ask or do it myself.
Romance feels dead with this girl. Seems like there's no incentive for me to even try when she dismisses what I do with a wave of her queenly hand. Would rather hang out with her sister Sade, who she lives with and sees practically every day, than to spend two days with me at a nice hotel. All expenses paid, which was to be part of her Christmas gift.
She doesn't like the idea of gift giving, btw. But doesn't know how to describe her aversion without coming across as a "Grinch" which I'd say is exactly what she is, given her lack of interest in celebrating any holiday. Including our upcoming one year anniversary.
All I can think, is that I am doing this all wrong. She doesn't want someone to baby and take care of and made to feel good; she wants to stand behind a guy that rules over her with an iron fist, but she is not willing to give up her autonomy to do that.
To trust and surrender to my judgement.
I think that's one of, if not the only issue that is affecting our relationship. That, and being so... Stingy and selective with her thoughts and feelings. To be fair, she has gotten better expressing her feelings, but sometimes the words don't match up.
"I am going to jump you tonight, lol" was a text I got from her not ten minutes before we met to go grocery shopping. What happens? She distances herself. Trying to get her to be close to me resulted in an epic fail and she was in this state of annoyance and irritation. My God, why did I put the mushrooms on top of the pizza and not below the cheese? Wasn't I making the pizza? Didn't I already prove to her that I make awesome pizza? Why challenge my expertise? Why complain and then openly declare to the room that she's annoyed, like she can't understand why and as if I'm supposed to do something or figure it out for her.
Why not reverse her mentality and speak in positive terms? Sure the mushrooms are on top, but who gives a fuck, really? It's not ruining the pizza. And if it did, I would take full responsibility for it. Instead, a hug from behind and a "thank you" or "looks delicious, nice job!" would've made all the difference in the world.
Even her sister was amused. I'm thankful that I at least had a witness to back me up.
And, man. I still feel entwined with her. She's my complementary other half. If anything, we're making each other stronger as we go and this process, however painful it is; seems absolutely necessary if both of us wish to transcend our egos outside of the bedroom. The only place where we seem to honor the naked truth of ourselves. Both figuratively and literally.
Sighs. I devote so much time to that woman. My mind, heart and soul seems to have her initials tattooed across them. And she devotes plenty of time to me as well, I'll have to admit.
But it feels like I'm trying to steer a boat, and she's constantly pulling at the wheel, making us have to course correct where we are wanting to go.
Sucks, but I can't think of much else I can do other than to let these moments play themselves out. She doesn't want to deal with negativity, and I don't either, but what she doesn't seem to understand is how crucial it is to resolve these issues in a sincere and thoughtful manner rather than to sweep them under the rug to be dealt with later.
Kind of like refusing to take out the trash. Eventually it'll pile up and start to rot. Then the finger pointing begins as to who is neglectful and lazy about their responsibilities in this relationship and the work that both of us have to put in, in order to keep each other happy.
And boy, if only I knew what would make her happy enough not to disrespect me like she does.
I have an idea of what that might be, but we're not at that point yet. Not until we fix the problems and issues we're dealing with right now. Issues from months ago, going unresolved and festering and unacknowledged.
Well. I've been doing my part as best as I can since the beginning of when we met. From her being polyamorous and unwilling to be physically affectionate. To now. A definite improvement, but still an unpolished work in progress.
As am I.
Growth. Faith. Love. Devotion. Trust. Surrender. And all that will equal a comfortable autonomy between the two of us. But until then, the fights will continue, and I will drag us to the finish line no matter how much kicking and screaming happens along the way.
I'll do my best. And sometimes that involves being at my worst. Expressing a part of myself that I wish I didn't have to reveal.
But again, blog. What more can I do but to stay the course until her grip loosens enough on the wheel for me to do my job, and take us where we want to be.
Until then, we will be dealing with the storm until it passes. And so far, we've been managing well and getting better each time.
I'm optimistic. I love her and I know she loves me.
