Oh Blog, I am so sorry for taking this long to get back to you. So much has happened, and for whatever reason, writing about it didn't seem like anything of monumental importance to me.
But it is.
It seems that being with Fola this past while, has tempered my need to write. Part of my mind knows that its due to being pre-occupied with more interesting and immediately gratifying pursuits, the other part is somewhat shrouded in a veil of mysterious complacency for which I have no answer for.
It's not that I don't have anything to write about -- I do, but the enthusiasm, the will to write has definitely subsided for reasons I cannot explain.
But, I trust my instincts. I know that I have an excellent memory, and although I may miss mentioning many of the small details that can add color to an event that is being recollected; I still have enough of the details to stitch together enough of a picture to report and reflect upon.
Just read my last post, about how I need to write more. I'm nodding at it. Yeah, I should write more. Six days since the last post isn't nearly as bad as a month, but it still could be better.
The unexamined life is not worth living, as they say, and I believe that this blog helps keep me grounded.
On the 25th, I've turned 40 years old. The big four-oh. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I mean, in the years leading up to this number, I had never really envisioned myself as a 40 year old man, but here I am. 40 and feeling a little strange, but good about it.
Fola thinks that 40 is a good age for a man to be. I somewhat agree. It appears to be the peak of maturity, sexual virility, experience, knowledge, all these things. At least I feel that way about myself.
Hm. My writing feels choppy as I type these words out. Kind of feeling like I'm stumbling around a little, wondering what the best way to lay out a sentence would be. I suppose this is what happens what I take a break from writing down my thoughts, and allowing a bit of rust to enter within the neural pathways responsible for smooth, clear and efficiently delivered writing. Which all this obviously isn't close to being, heh.
But, that's okay, right? Writing sloppily and infrequently is better than not writing anything at all.
So, tangent aside, I did turn 40 on Saturday and it was memorable. No, it wasn't a huge party due to the fact that I have few enough friends and family members that I keep in touch with to allow for such a thing, so it was really simple. My mom and Fola, at Red Lobster, meeting each other for the first time.
I was still fighting off (and still am) that bacterial infection I seemed to have picked up on the Saturday of the week before, so I was watery eyed and irritated, but in good spirits. Made the more so by having two of the women I love most in this world, in the same place.
It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. My mom and I came in around a half hour early, and Fola arrived about on time. She brought my mom flowers, and... Well, everything clicked. Conversation flowed well, and I managed to keep them in good spirits by cracking a joke every now and then. The dinner itself was okay, steak and lobster tail honestly should have been a lot better than what I was tasting, but I was satisfied enough.
My mom really seemed to like Fola, and Fola likes my mom. Quite an achievement given how my mom once opposed the idea of meeting Fola, due to her being married and uhm, sleeping around, even if it was with her husband's permission.
To Fola's credit, she really turned a corner. No more polyamory. More open, more affectionate, more considerate.
More of the woman I have always wanted her to be.
Yeah blog... I am in love with her. She knows it. Staying at my place the next day over, we sat together on my couch when she turned towards me with a smile.
"I know you love me." she says, looking me square in the eyes.
"Is it that obvious?" I somewhat sarcastically replied. Raising a sheepish eyebrow at her.
You know.. I wish I could say the same of her. That I feel loved by her. And I have to say, that I am getting very close to believing it.
You see, on Saturday as we wrapped up our meal, it was suggested we go to the casino afterwards, but I said I would rather go home and put a wet rag over my eyes. It was really annoying me, having to constantly blink and wipe away tears and feeling irritated. My mom suggested I put chamomile tea bags over my eyes to help sooth them, and I said I didn't have it. Fola said she did, and would bring it by the next day when she would come over.
But, as I dropped my mom off, Fola texted me to say she was on the way over to my place. With chamomile that she bought at Bulk Barn, shortly after dinner ended.
I mean, we had dinner on the west end of the city and in the time I drove home with my mom, Fola went to buy this stuff and drove to my place, waiting for me to get there.
That girl, I tell you. Has changed. I am almost completely believing that she loves me. Even if she 100% does, I still have that bit of hesitation in me. Wondering if this is real. If it's genuine.
And... I think it is. But... I have to be careful, too. I want to believe, but I don't want to be let down. I want to be sure.
So, yes. My guard is still up. And... that's in spite of this poem that Fola wrote for me, after I wrote her own for her birthday.
It went like this:
Love is the Perfect Teacher
When you least expect it, there it is.
When you ask for i, it appears.
Then you think to yourself:
"Thank You, but why now?"
Things were simple. but now that's passed.
Why did you come here? I ask.
Yet deep down I know exactly why,
To set things straight and show me the meaning of life.
To think I thought I had figured it all out.
What a joke that was!
A Cosmic lie.
You've proven me wrong.
I know it's scary, to love and to lose.
I know it's scary when we fear abuse.
But I need you to know, I'll always come for you.
From the beginning of time, until the end.
Most times I feel my soul expanding; and yours too.
Others, it is as though we are dissolving.
Helplessly into our great Love,
Eyes gazing, bodies holding.
I wouldn't of had it any other way.
I am here, this is where I'll stay.
Test me and I'll test you.
But let us promise, we will always aim to work it through.
Love,
Your Twin
(sighs) (pats chest)
I tell you blog. I have every reason to believe that this woman now deeply loves me, and is willing to commit. From someone who once argued that monogamy wasn't for her; she is now saying that she wants to be in a long-term monogamous relationship with me.
How far we've come.
That poem of hers speaks volumes.. but, there is something strange about it that I can't quite pin down. This doesn't invalidate the feelings behind it, but rather gives me a reason to keep my guard up a little. Is it heartfelt? It seems to be. Is it genuine? It mostly appears that way.
I have pretty good instincts, I feel, and right now my gut is telling me to be a little careful. To not tear down the last bit of defense that I have wrapped around my heart. To ensure that it is kept safe, and that should calamity or loss present itself; then I will have strength enough to be able to deal with it.
I have written in my blog for so many years about wanting to really love someone, and to feel loved by them, but it never felt like something that could actually come true. All that heartbreak. All those shitty moments, and I kept wanting this thing. Love. Despite the years weighing heavily against me saying that it didn't appear to exist. That it was something which only existed inside of my imagination. And in movies. In books.
But, here it is. It does seem to be real. And like waking up from a long sleep, with bleary eyes blinking in the morning light; I still haven't waken up completely yet.
When Fola and I are together, it's like the world doesn't exist. Even with my mom, all time and sense of our surroundings seem to fade off into the background. We spent two hours at Red Lobster, and it felt like no time has passed at all. At my place, there is little urge to watch a movie or play video games or do any kind of "social" activity. We just sit there, or lay there, talking, touching, listening to music, having tea or wine. Smoking a joint. Having a bath.
It's unlike any relationship I have ever been in. This... comforting sense of being alone with my.. twin.. this other half of me, where each other's company is more entertaining than any movie or television show or video game or book. We've known each other for almost a year now, and there doesn't seem to be any slowing down with us. There is momentum beneath our relationship. We are moving, evolving, growing, changing, increasingly with each day that passes.
It's amazing and scary all at once. The awe that comes from being inside of a relationship like this. The moment I let go of my fear, is when it transcends anything I've ever had with any other girl I've been with. When I bare myself to Fola, and open myself up to her; I feel.. so... connected.. with something higher than myself. This grand living principle. This power... cosmic power.. divinity itself, appears to be communed and connected with whenever we are together.
The world stops turning when we are in each other's presence, almost.
And I like that very much. Even if I can hardly believe it at times.
My mom has already invited Fola and I to come to Cuba with her and my stepdad in the spring. I wouldn't mind that. Fola likes the idea.
She just needs money, in order for that to happen.
But.. as silly as it sounds, I think I would be okay with paying for her to come.
I would pay for the trip. And not have second thoughts about it.
And... I have never felt anything like this with anyone else. Where I would spend a thousand dollars on someone.
But with her, I would.
(sighs) Oh, blog.
It feels like what I've been wanting all those years, is coming true.
Love. The greatest kind. The purest kind. Appears to be with me.
And though I am not completely convinced of it yet, I know I am on the way to fully believing it.
The sex we've been having is unreal. There is an evolution to it also. Always surprising. Always refreshing. Always transcending.
And we're both changing. Growing. Moving towards a certain type of outcome.
A dog. An acreage. Travel. Money. Wealth. Family. Prosperity. Adventure.
Realizing our life's purpose together.
Being moved towards it by forces unseen.
The gentle guiding hand of God and all that It commands and controls.
We have surrendered ourselves to you.
And we are excited by your attention,
But we wish to also be deserving of it. To do good things in your name. For the benefit of ourselves and that of others.
To help others, is to help ourselves.
We are still learning.
Still growing.
Still becoming exactly what you wish us to be.
And we will be.
On this great adventure, we will become the man and woman we wish to be.
And the man and woman we are meant to be.
This has been such a crazy ride.
And I am awed by it.
Well blog... I can think of more things to say, but I think I am ending this on the right note.
I am loving and loved.
That is all that needs to be said.
