Here Goes Nothing

Sobering thoughts I'm having tonight, blog. Sorry I didn't update immediately after the last post. Lots going on and its hard to concentrate or want to write when I have a dog running around. Even while asleep, Sadie kind of put me on edge, keeping a closer eye on her that she needs to.

And that didn't help either, because once I left Sadie's line of sight, she would wake up and follow me around wherever I went in the house. It was... excessive, at times.

But, she's been successively adopted out to a family that I believe loves and will give her a good home. They're a military couple with a huge 7 year old Rottweiler dog that moved like Marlon Brando through a tub of Jello and about equally as jaded in it's facial expressions. The dog was like an old retired Italian gangster, probably 4 times the size of Sadie.

And they played. It was incredible seeing these two dogs feel each other out, and then watching Sadie goad their dog Reily into playing. Erika and Evan and myself were transfixed by these two dogs. Watching their every interaction. Seeing if Sadie would get along.

She sure did. Jumping on Riley's face grabbing paws on each side of his head; it was... like... a happy child wanting to play with a childless parent, a parent that gave up in having a child to look after and feel consoled by.

Sadie really filled that void in Riley, I think. This maternal bonding... This mutual dog agreement that passes by in a flicker. A suggestion to be best friends.

It was... beautiful. I'm really glad I ran into this family. The last family had two dogs and two cats, none of which cared to play with Sadie. Despite Sadie attempting to try.

Sighs.

Anyways. That's not the sobering thought I wanted to write about on here.

Nah. It's about Fola and I.

I realized that we hate each other. We hate and... pretend to love each other? Love each other on a deep soul level?

I don't know.

But we can't seem to easily separate from one another.

Circumstances and words and actions and the feelings they arouse, its so full of sychronicities and convenient timing. It really feels like a kind of fate that has to play itself out beyond the conscious level of awareness that we have. A limited sort, but we each share an intuition that transcends awareness at times with the interactions we often have. The dramas. The swinging from high to low, to high and low, again. A constant back and forth.

Stress. Stress. Stress. Not really keen on filling in on the details of what happened since I last posted.

I'm watching this show right now on Netflix about exes getting back together after years apart, looking for another chance to reignite old passions.

And... I tried imagining how it would be if it was Fola and I, separated after a year or two. Would either of us agree to going on this show? To win the other back?

I couldn't picture it. Why would she go so far as to try? She hasn't tried all that hard in the past when it came to demonstrating her passion and commitment to the relationship. Sometimes the passion part comes easily enough, but the commitment is harder to come by. Through words of reassurance or certain actions and acknowledgement and expressed appreciation of the ex as a genuine and worthwhile human being-- is very difficult to really demonstrate trustworthiness and reason to feel secure within the relationship.

She feels secure. I don't. Or perhaps I am completely wrong about that, but sometimes I wonder.

She doesn't seem to behave in a way that implies insecurity with us. I don't see her reaching for my hand to hold, or jumping into my arms for a hug without waiting or choosing instead to remove a coat, or shoes upon entering through the door. There's no cuddling at night that she instigates enough times to feel her insecurity by. She sometimes in the past said strange things that did imply it, but they faded away easily enough. Like, having to keep the bedroom door closed and locked at night. But, that didn't seem to be a valid, rational fear she continues to have.

Maybe she's getting over her fears. I'm not sure. Two years and a month, we've been together. That's a long time for me.

And, I haven't seen anyone actually "grow" into a different, more mature person during the time they've been in a relationship with me.

I am really ashamed of myself for having been with Gynger for so long. Longer than I should have. But I liked talking to her. And though I wouldn't have sex often, I was communicating unintentionally how unattractive she was to me. Her body, mostly. And it was true. I didn't find her body attractive.

That's the truth. And, perhaps the crime is in my...

No. I didn't mislead her. I felt that my actions and intentions were well-communicated and understood. I liked hanging out with her and getting the occasional bj and I had no desire for a romantic relationship. Or even a boyfriend/girlfriend one.

More like friends with partial benefits.

Sighs.

My being with Gynger for all that time was... was it time well-spent? Was it a mistake from the beginning for me to have... unintentionally mislead her all that time?

But, she did find a great guy after I stopped seeing her. I think it worked out really well for her that I left.

Same with a lot of exes that I've dated in the past. They often go on to find good relationships and marriages soon after being with me. I'm somewhat pleasantly surprised.

And... I watch this show with these exes reconnecting again, and I can't see this with Fola and I.

The rapport some of these couples have, the chemistry, it's nothing like what we have. We have something else going on. Some kind of weird level of vulnerability that we're each willing to commit towards being, but not fully and completely.

And... yeah, I don't know. Fola called Sadie "stupid" earlier today in text message. I thought that was unkind of her. Hateful and with spite. Although later she tried to dismiss it as a joke when I visited her in person.

Sighs. I don't know why I continue to write about this. Why I'm still with her.

Is she bringing out the best in me? No. Am I doing it for her? No, not as much as I used to.

It's so important to have trust in a relationship. I can't have it with her. I can't trust her to keep her word or to remember what my concerns and needs and wants are.

Or to take my feelings seriously about all the crazy things she's been doing. Setting up dramatic situations, and playing out scenarios that sometimes stack and cause me increasing amounts of resentment towards her. This feedback loop kicks in where I stop caring about her as much, and she feels neglected and unloved. Therefore, she creates more of these situations unconsciously. And the cycle goes on until we break up and realize in our absence how much we really want to be together.

How much we miss each other.

... My eyelids are getting tired. Almost midnight. Still watching this episode of exes and wondering why some of these couples broke up in the first place when they seemed so perfect for one another. Real soul mates or twin flames. But without using the terminology.

I don't know. Think I'm going to bed soon here if I don't crash on the couch. It feels liberating not having Sadie around. A welcome relief, to be honest. So difficult fostering a dog on my own.

Stock market is doing well. I hope I can make it to 60k in my porfolio to come ahead a few thousand from where I first started in September. Those many months ago, and such a darkness to be endured since.

Aphria is rallying like crazy. My average is at a high 18.88 I believe. It's at 14.21 right now. Big 10% days each day of last week till now.

Something is up. I smell smoke.

Now I have to figure out where to cash out. I'll be damned if I'll be bagholding and biting my nails for the next few months wondering if the share prices are going to return to these levels again.

Got to be cautious. I'm still unemployed and I am unsure of what my future is going to look like.

Maybe it will be with Fola, maybe it won't.

Wish I could think of ways in which she makes me feel good about myself, or about us, and I can't cite too many examples.

And I'm too tired to really think of any.

Off I go.

Good night blog.

Death Rattle

We're almost done. Fola and I.

About a month ago (which I may have blogged about), she made a joke to people at her Christmas party about giving her number to a doctor when the conversation turned to a single doctor bachelor that people there knew.

I was understandably upset about her saying that. Right when I was sitting next to her. She claims not to remember making this joke afterwards. We had a fight where I explained to her how I felt about it.

Fast forward a month later and I am at Sade's house for dinner. Fola held her phone near me and I noticed a Facebook icon with a 4 on the bubble. It was a picture of a husky dog, so I jokingly asked if she was talking to a dog online.

"No!" she responds. "It's a doctor."

"What doctor?"

"The doctor! The psychiatrist! Don't worry about it!"

"Yes David, don't worry about it." Said Sade.

I was pissed. Not even a month went by and here she is, talking to some doctor online that she doesn't want to tell me the details about. Just "don't worry about it".

Since dinner was concluded, I decided to take Sadie (the dog I'm fostering) out for a walk and to have a smoke. I was angry and needed to cool off and get my wits about me.

As I'm leaving, Fola asks if I'm coming back so we can "talk about it".

About what? Her messaging a doctor? Still no details. No reassurance. No reason for me to not continue being angry and upset, letting my imagination run wild and remembering what happened the month before at the party.

She didn't text or call me when I left for that walk. Didn't care to make me feel any better.

When I returned, I sat on the couch waiting for her to put her daughter to bed. She then said that we can go out and talk about it in my car. So we did.

"I have nothing to hide" she says, handing over her phone for me to look at the conversation.

You know what blog? I'm a dumbass. And so is she.

The conversation "started" because Fola put up a book for sale about polyamory. Then, this doctor who she already had on Facebook, messaged her asking about it.

He did more than ask about the book, he asked her about polyamory and open relationships. This guy is married by the way, and Fola admitted to me that he has hit on her in the past. Some Nigerian guy that she claims not to be attracted towards.

What happens in the conversation? She continues to feed him long detailed responses about her personal and sex life. Eventually telling him where she works and that they should meet for coffee.

I'm tired, blog. I can't even muster up the necessary anger to really communicate how I was feeling as I looked at this conversation. The guy CLEARLY was looking for something on the side and she encouraged him all the way by having this "platonic" conversation about her views on sex and relationships.

She tried to tell me that she wanted to keep a "professional relationship" going with this guy, but that is such obviously bullshit. Who engages in a conversation like that? I thought for a second that she couldn't see how he was hitting on her, but no, she admitted that she knew he was, and allowed him to do it anyways.

All the while trying to play it off like she did nothing wrong.

Stringing him along as she has done with me.

I've had enough.

I don't even feel like typing what happened afterwards. Silent treatment right now and... I've accepted that I can no longer trust her.

If I can't trust her, then there's no point to this relationship. Took me a long time to finally reach this conclusion.

A few months ago, her friend Ryan ...

Fuck it. FUCK IT.

Not going to bother explaining.

Not going to keep... bringing up negativity that she caused.

Not going to point out all the reasons and examples of why I can't trust her. I KNOW I can't, and that doesn't mean I'm obligated to explain any of it.

I wrote a long text to her yesterday but decided not to send it. Actually, I put it on a timer for a year from now, so she will get it then.

By that time, I would be very surprised if we are still together.

My reasoning for not sending her this message is because I'm tired of talking to a child.

She doesn't think she needs to earn my trust. Always reminds me that she has nothing to prove to me.

Always says that there is no "right or wrong" and argues against me without backing up her words with good reasons.

Just argues for the sake of arguing. Even her sister pointed this out when I was over. She doesn't want to accept responsibility for her mistakes. And SHE KNEW what this guy was after, but continued the conversation and strung him along.

Strung me along too. For two years.

I've had enough.

So... I reactivated my profile on OkCupid yesterday. Put it as "looking for friends" because I reason that if she can engage in sexual conversations with predators and then go out for coffee with them, so can I.

She's set this precedent. She's made her bed and now she is going to lay in it.

I don't give a fuck about her anymore. I don't think there's a shred of affection or respect left for her.

I told her that I'm almost hoping she will cheat on me so I can end this sorry relationship with my head held high.

In the meantime, I'm not going to show her any respect or affection. See how far that'll take us. She doesn't want to earn my trust or prove her worth, neither shall I. It'll disintegrate, eventually.

Well.

This is how it has to be.

And what I described was only one thing in a long line of small betrayals and rejections and shows of disrespect. Within weeks, actually.

Tired of it.

I'm done and she's arrived at my house.

Karma

So.. it has been a while since I last posted, or felt that way and I have a lot to talk about and share that has happened in my absence.

I feel strange for thinking this, but the thought that had me come to the blog was in my inner-dialogue that was taking place around this new dog I'm fostering.

I'm trying to get it to sleep in the crate without whining. It's a 3 month old puppy. Very pretty dog named Sadie.

And very needy as well. I can't go to the washroom and close the door for more than a few minutes before she starts to whine and paw at the door, making noises trying to get in.

It's ridiculous.

So tonight Fola is likely to come sleep over, which means I have to try and get this puppy sleeping in the crate for at least a few hours if I plan on sleeping upstairs on the bed.

Or I could let the puppy out and close the bedroom door instead. See if that would be any better.

But, I doubt it. That dog is really scared of being left alone.

She came from a family of 5 kids (under 6 years old) and 2 other dogs. So, I can imagine the racket and noise and constant activity and socialization going on as she lived there. She's not used to being inside of a quiet home, one in which I often go for hours without saying a word and not doing anything particularly interesting other than watching movies and mundane chores.

She doesn't much like playing with her toys, either. Doesn't care to go outside as much like Rosie did. Doesn't really play very much at all or effectively burns off energy.

Going back to what I first said about the epiphany that brought me here was this:

I was looking up how to crate train a puppy to see if I was doing the right things. I was. I knew not to respond quickly whenever the puppy got agitated. I knew to make her feel safe and secure if I planned to leave for more than a few minutes. I had this thought that I was doing absolutely the right and only thing I can do. To be patient and considerate of this animal's feelings and needs.

Then it struck me in a funny little way. The way I had been handling Sadie's training, is very much the same way I should be handling Fola's training.

It's such a hilariously strange thought. I should have the same mentality for Sadie as well as my girlfriend. They both needed to be trained in the same way.

They both need to feel safe and secure. Left alone for long periods at a time. Able to handle being alone and to know that there is no reason to be afraid of it.

And, yes... This was an important thought for me to have as I'm again having problems with Fola.

She's in this Shamanism course right now and for most of the weekend. Not sure exactly what she is doing there, but if past experience was anything to go by, I shouldn't expect her to be in the best of moods in the time leading up to this event.

She changes, somehow. Not even while at the course, but days earlier, like it has been with us this week.

She changes.... Becomes this... fearful girl, and unknowingly sparks confrontation and unpleasant feelings between us, which then riles me up and I get into my... shell, I suppose, my armor and not allow for her arrows to penetrate me.

That's quite an insight I must say.

Of course it helps that I am a bit stoned right now. Thoughts like these don't usually arrive over the course of a day being sober.

Sometimes it takes a while to really formulate a thought like this before it can be presented. There are steps leading to revelations. It doesn't magically and explosively just suddenly appear without warning.

It may look that way sometimes, but in my case, I see how having this dog was necessary for the thought to form itself. Without Sadie, I wouldn't be having this thought at all and would not have made the mental connection that is needed.

It's... strange... I'm reading a writer on Medium who truly believes mankind is on the path to extinction. Oddly enough, it's not exactly depressing material she delivers. Quite the opposite. She is an advocate for free speech and truth, and is working to expose the propaganda machine that we are collectively working under the spell of.

It's the lies we are told by the news, by governments, that have us go about our lives oblivious to the slavery that we are ostensibly a part of. Willingly or not. We are here to appease the banks. For our mortgage. For our line of credit. For our wanting to purchase a home or a place to live. And to find a well paying means of living in order to feed each of our desires by transacting with money, each step of the way. Money to survive, money to have fun and money to retire off of.

It's scary to think that is actually what's happening. And we allow for the lie to continue.

Or do we?

I think people are waking up more. We're more aware of the strings that are attached to each politician that is elected outside of the heartache and dreams of the poor and the rapidly-vanishing middle class.

We start to see the lies for ourselves. We begin to understand our ability to affect the impact that propaganda has upon us. We ignore the lies and look to find the truth. We all know that this is a corrupt system so therefore, it is our responsibility to do our part in correcting it in the ways of which we are capable of.

Every human being in our country, our nations and in all the cities and towns around the world; know that we have been lied towards, and that each of us has turned a blind eye and perpetuated the illusion that we have unconsciously and consciously accepted as real.

There is a veil over us. A veil that says it is okay to go to war, to fight and kill and murder and manipulate. We are told to believe that we must police other countries and nations in order that we should have peace.

We are told that vigilance is needed when confronted by the possibility of an invasion or an event of mass destruction like 9/11.

We're told that this is why our military budget needs to be so high. To prevent Oklahoma city bombings, the incident in Boston, the one in the nightclub in Florida involving a gay man.

And yet, these incidents all happen anyways. No matter how high are military budgets are.

Kim Jong Un has been threatening America with nukes for over a decade now. What good is our military budget if we are already able to sufficiently defend ourselves due to the technology we now have? Why deploy any troops for reasons other than national emergency, elsewhere?

Why do we have to police the world? To make sure everyone is under our thumb?

And to advance the agenda of one country in the entire world?

It's a sobering and scary thought that this is the spell in which we live under.

It's a delusion.

But, there is also that uncertainty. Maybe we are wrong. Maybe the world is really doing the best it can. Maybe our leaders and staff really do have our best interests at heart?

Maybe we are being lied to because the truth would be far too much to bear?

I don't know.

I do know that telling the truth is important. It is one of the few things that matter in life. When one lives deceitfully, trust is sabotaged in others and a well-lived life can only be happy when it mimics what a happy life should look like. It is a fake feeling to think that one can be deceitful in business and politics, and still be at peace within themselves.

I am sure that politics is a nightmare for the many that are involved in it. Perhaps the courage comes with either succumbing to the corruption, or truly having faith in the well-being of others and acting with responsibility towards them.

So... That was quite the ramble...

What else is there to update about?

Yeah.. stocks... I'm finally making back the loss of what I put into Trulieve. I believe it is at around $14.55 a share right now and my average is at 17, I think. Perhaps slightly higher.

Aphria, though... that stock gives me a heart attack. I'm down nearly 50% still on that one.

And the rest of the stocks I own.. well, except for SOL, doesn't have much to write home about. They're down too. I don't think there's any green on my portfolio other than a few bucks on CWEB in which I didn't have many shares of anyways.

And my mom continues to give me money that I feel... obligated to take each times she offers it. I remember the fights we used to have over my not wanting her money or her food. She is insistent that I take it no mater what.

Such a stubborn woman.

And... I love her. I OWE her. And... it troubles my soul not knowing how to do this for her.

To give her golden years a beauty that she deserves to have.

To not have to work anymore, and to live without debt. Able to enjoy vacations whenever and wherever she would like.

I really want my mom to have a retirement like that.

But, she hasn't saved anything for it. There is no RRSP worth living off of. She hasn't been paid a pension from work.

And... there's some concerns over another issue that I don't feel comfortable disclosing.

...

Quite a few... thoughts to consider...

And I think I've given them enough consideration over the months I've been unemployed. But, I could be wrong. Perhaps more is needed.

I am trying with seriousness to figure out what to do. In case I don't get back into insulating.

It's not pleasant to always come up with few if any ideas on what to do.

I live in blind fear of it each time another day passes with little to show for it.

Not doing a whole lot of writing, and even the writing I'm doing is not going to earn me money anytime soon.

And I don't really expect it to, either.

Fola thinks our destinies are entwined. That mental health and spirituality are the fields in which she and I will be playing a large role in.

I can kind of see that, but I don't really know what it should exactly look like. Like, my actual job.

Do I have to go back to school again?

Or... can I make a difference with what I have and know already?

Can I... do something altogether different than insulating?

Would I be equipped for that new kind of world? Another job where I am working for someone and having to please them?

...

I don't know if I like that kind of world.

And... what would the solution truly be? Starting my own business? But doing what?

What could I be good at enough to charge people money for?

Mentorship?

Teaching?

Blog entries?

Stories?

I don't know yet what the answer really is. I know a lot about things that don't seem to lend themselves well to a functional job or career.

I can't say that I am a fantastic writer. I try and be an honest one and aim for as much precision as I can give my writing. Putting as much emotional depth into them as I can, even if I occasionally get side-tracked and go on a tangent.

Like now, it feels.

Sighs. The dog is out of the crate, but as soon as she falls asleep near me again, I'm going to have to put her back in there. Continue the training. Continue being patient.

And I'll have to remember doing the same for Fola.

To be patient.

And rule with a gentle fist.

To live in service of truth, love, justice and beauty.

The only service worth finding peace in executing.

To serve others in the way that I best can.

In service of something much greater than myself.

For better or worse.

Vapid

It's a perversion. A desecration of everything I've wanted in a relationship.

And I am now willing to acknowledge it.

Got this message in the morning from Fola. She asked what my plans were and if we could meet up later. Told her I was taking bottles back as part of my errands to which she says, "that doesn't sound exciting".

It's not supposed to sound exciting.

Then she mentions her plans, which is that Alyssa and Derek is coming over for dinner but she didn't know what time.

Okay... So...? That's it. Didn't suggest for us to meet anywhere.

She says it again. Alyssa and Derek are coming over at 6. Like she confirmed it a minute after sending me the other text.

So, is she inviting me over for dinner?

No. She wasn't. I asked and she said she would have to check if it's okay first.

...

And without saying it wasn't, she goes on to tell me how her mom and sister are being assholes.

I ask her why.

"I don't feel like talking about it."

I respond with, "ok" and wasn't going to ask why she even mentioned the dinner twice to me if I wasn't going to be invited. She won't tell me why her sister and her mom are being assholes.

So she left it all up to my imagination to figure out.

Wonderful.

Didn't... bother texting with anything else. Who is Derek? What is her mom and her sister saying?

Why is she...

Fuck, man...

Can't have a girlfriend that will tell me the honest truth. To stick up for me. To tell me that she's stuck up for me.

Won't give me any of those details. Just leaves it for me to figure out and accept.

Later she texts me about how she had a nap and is feeling better and that she is healing through something.

I tell her that I'm healing from something too. Described how I was...

Fucking hell, man...

Look at the way I'm typing right now.

I'm not in a good place in this relationship. Okay, her family doesn't accept me. Despite my wanting to connect with them. Despite the good will I've brought to the table with being polite and interested and open and caring about how I'm presenting myself.

Despite the gifts I'd gotten them.

Despite the obvious attempt on my part to reach out and...

It doesn't matter.

Why would her mom accept me? Why would her sister?

Thankfully, Ivy seems to like me.

I've decided to stop giving a fuck. Disappointment after disappointment and my girlfriend isn't making me feel any better. Doesn't know HOW to make me feel better. Doesn't say what I need to hear. Doesn't acknowledge what I may be going through in feeling all this.

All she said was "understandable..." to what I last wrote her. ONE WORD. And then goes on about her own things. How she sold a wedding dress and that she was upset because her family...

Man... it doesn't even matter.

She's selfish. Self-absorbed. Without empathy.

Without... warmth.

Intelligence. Awareness...

Just... entitled...

Oblivious...

Spoiled.

For no reason. And she...

Fuck... is this ever a weird movie I'm watching. "Sorry to Bother You" is the name of it. Right now there's this scene of some weird horse-man writhing on the floor.

Dark fucking movie. I see... parallels... I understand the metaphors and the caricatures.

Depressing as hell. Dark as fuck.

And so... so much a mirror... a highly exaggerated one, but a mirror of the way the world can appear.

And our individual search for happiness and meaning.

Equating it with money.

But having to trade off our identities. Our sense of self and integrity. To do so.

Feels like... The odds are against us. No matter how hard we try and stay true to ourselves.

The odds are against us.

And... more than ever we need faith. We need to...

Come together.

And take a stand.

Against all this bullshit...

Patreon and Jordan Peterson and Dave Rubin.. watched the video earlier of Rubin's Q&A regarding why he's leaving.

I believe in that.

I believe we should... stand in our truth.

If the world is shit, we should accept it.

But... not compromise how we feel about it.

And not... contributing to a further deterioration of it all by promoting negativity.

We keep that hate and pain to ourselves. Reserving it to share for those whom we feel trust in and loved by.

The ones that have our backs.

Got nothing else to say, blog. Just... Going to accept that this is how things are.

And... I can find peace in that somehow. Despite all that I am going through and am burdened with.

Despite it all.

I can lean onto my faith, or I can give into the darkness.

The choice is clear.

... This movie is pitiful...

"you're going to have a horse cock"

...says the CEO in the film to the main character. Offering him a hundred million dollars to give up his humanity.

I think.. the message of this film is clear.

We're slaves to money.

And we are at the point where it doesn't matter what we stand for if it means getting rich.

Fucking sad...

Fucking sad.

The movie is absurd and true all at once.

Just... I hope it has a happy ending of some kind but I doubt it will....

Now...

I'm out.

Going to...

Just be.

Just do my best to be myself.

It's all I can do.

Tantra

Fuck, man.

She just left this morning.

I think it's ridiculous at this point. I see what she wants me to become.

A doormat. An eager dog.

And doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions.

That woman hurt me days ago, and now acts like we shouldn't ever talk about it again and that all is well.

No effort. No respect. And definitely no empathy.

That's been the real weakness of hers which has affected our relationship the most. A lack of empathy.

It's as simple as engaging with me when I'm excited about something and asking for details even if she isn't interested in them. But, she doesn't do that.

She'll say, "I'm excited to hear you tell me more about it later" and then later comes and it's not brought up.

Empathy is not texting me with words like, "hiya! White Spot" and nothing else.

Empathy is accounting for the possibility that I don't know what White Spot is.

Empathy is sharing the details. Imagining someone with a question in their head after a statement like that and saying what is needed to further clarify the statement without having to be prompted to do so.

Empathy is... going outside of yourself and imagining the other person's perspective. And then accounting for it whenever possible. Easing it. Showing compassion and interest.

I don't know man. I said before that there are no bad students, only bad teachers, and what I saw from her this morning made me sick.

She's a master at deflection. I can bring up great points about anything, and she will know how to not answer them.

Or to make excuses where she doesn't take responsibility.

And if a few days pass after her transgression, she will not keep that thought in mind. The thought of reparations and making things right.

Yesterday was an example of this. She texted me saying she wanted to do tantra tonight. First thought in my head was that she was coming home late from work and was likely going to go to bed early. We wouldn't have time for it.

I mention that and she says, "oh, we can put 5 minutes towards it."

Five minutes. She's willing to allocate 5 minutes towards connecting to each other more deeply.

But that's it.

Granted, last night she stayed up longer than expected, but she didn't make the most of that time together.

Wasn't particularly affectionate or loving.

But still wanted to "connect" and do tantra.

I think the part I disliked the most was sleeping with her. No physical contact and I feel weird about touching her now. I touched her a few times, no response. No reciprocity.

So.. why am I bothering to do so? I took initiative.

How many times should I be rejected before I stop trying. Or caring?

I think we're at this low point. She's funneled me down a specific way of behaving around her.

Can't really joke with her because she gets offended easily. Also, she doesn't seem to like them anyways. And she sure doesn't have any jokes or teasing of her own that aren't of the negative/cynical/sarcastic variety.

My heart sank yesterday when she suggested we watch a film called Lucifer Rising.

I'm pretty tired of her fascination with dark and evil things.

I also think that there's not much that is genuinely good about her as a human being.

That's a strong statement. I hate to say it. She has this superficial way of presenting a good side of herself but her actions and her interests and what she is attracted towards, speak otherwise.

She wants to... be involved with that dark shit.

She thinks its hot.

It turns her on. Not meaningful soul connections where we feel love pass between us. But connections where "energy" is most felt and lust is coursing through our bodies.

Ultimately, it is about how SHE feels and not how her partner feels, that matters most.

Last night I had sex with her and gave her an orgasm.

I didn't have one myself.

So. It wasn't... my motivation to have an orgasm. I wasn't being selfish because I could have came 6 or 7 times during the course of all that.

And...

I don't see her doing the same. Putting aside her own self-interests to focus on mine.

At her own expense.

There is something deeply wrong with that woman.

I wish I knew how to make it right.

I think we are in a war of ideologies. She doesn't believe in Lucifer or the devil or hell or evil.

I do.

The way I think and feel about things, is not the way she does.

That's fine. We're different people with different beliefs.

But on the important issues... We don't... can't see eye to eye.

I... can't say that I honestly feel loved by her. And the problem for me is that I don't know what she is truly feeling.

She claims to love me... but...

She doesn't show it in the way that any loving person would do.

I can tell my mother loves me. I've been in relationships where I felt loved.

I see couples in movies and in real life that show what love is supposed to look like.

And I don't see it with us. With her.

I see this... shell. This automation.

This selfish human being.

And... I hate writing this because it makes me feel like I could be the selfish one. The one that
nitpicks everything and makes unreasonable demands only for my own interests.

I have to admit that this is a troubling situation to be in. I should know when I feel loved. That's not unreasonable. She's hurt me a few days ago and then hand-waves it away the very next day.

And flips the script on me. Throwing a tantrum and guilting me for not coming over for dinner like she asked. Day after she...

This thing is falling apart.

This thing is a game.

And it looks like she's winning.

And I don't know what to do next.

I don't have any respect. And... I can't feel good about being around her because of it.

How do I earn respect?

If she told this to me "you have to earn my respect" I would understand that better than if she didn't.

Just like I told her how it's important to earn my trust. It's a process. That is something not given freely and instantly like she expects.

She really does not think about the damage she causes.

And I, like a fool, keep forgiving her.

Allowing her to get away with it. Allowing it to continue.

It's abuse.

And I'm permitting it.

How do I counter this? How can I make this better?

I would say to focus on myself, for starters. She shouldn't be the reason I exist in this world. To please her.

She's so full of excuses whenever I call her out on her stuff. I honestly was so impressed at her ingenuity for the way she navigated our argument this morning. Making me look like an insufferable critic.

She's brilliant at manipulation.

Absolutely brilliant.

My mistake is to afford her respect. To give her the chance to redeem herself.

Over and over.

And she doesn't seem to understand what it is that I need in order to feel good about being in this relationship.

There are so many small things that irritate me. The brief touch she gives me and pulls away at exactly the right moment. The fleeting kisses where nothing lingers enough to be meaningful. The... carelessness. The inability to understand the consequences of her actions until they become obvious enough and a problem that needs to be fixed.

She won't... doesn't... anticipate problems. She allows them to grow and fester until it reaches a point where she acknowledges their existence.

She doesn't promote harmony. Just drama.

Chaos. Not order.

Resentment and a lack of trust...

So what am I doing?

Why am I allowing this to go on?

Why is she?

Every argument we'll have in the future is going to be handled the way they are now. With excuses and deflections and ignorance and a lack of respect. No accountability. No progress. Just sweep it under the carpet and forget that it ever happens because tomorrow is a new day and the past is in the past.

Like I said. She's brilliant.

And I can see how she would be able to destroy me.

At the same time... I've suffered worse in the past. So this isn't as difficult to bear.

And yet... I should not have to bear it.

But I do.

Because... maybe, because I'm weak.

And stupidly naive.

There must be something I can do about this that doesn't involve leaving.

She is... such a difficult person.

There is no predictability there, either.

Who knows what she will come up with the next day or the day after that.

Used to get her gifts, but slowed down because it didn't seem like she appreciated them.

Or deserved them.

Her sister isn't all that much different. Gave her Christmas presents twice, and haven't received anything from her. Didn't get a thank you this year either. Although Fola said her mom and Sade and Ivy said thank you in her message, it might not even be true. And even if it was, it's not as good when the thank-yous come second-hand.

It's better to deliver thank-yous to the person that it is intended for. She has my number.

And I've seen the video Fola filmed of her opening my gifts. She didn't appreciate the thought and effort I put into it.

And she hasn't put any thought or effort into me.

So...

How do I fix all this?

Can I possibly ever repair such damaged people?

Why is that my responsibility?

Because I'm...

...Stupidly naive.

And I don't know anymore how to be around others. What makes them feel good in my mind is not what they seem to end up feeling.

What can I do about it?

Humor her. Not give a fuck. Keep my vulnerabilities and weaknesses to myself.

Let her imagination fill in the blanks and prompt action on her part.

If such a thing is even possible or likely.

...

More than a few times I've walked away from this mess.

And now... it seems like I'm chained to the wall.

Unwilling to leave.

And she has no fear of it by this point. I'm sure she doesn't.

Without that fear, she'll always disrespect me.

Typical....

Why are so many women like this?

They only care when you no longer do. When you have something to offer them and decide that they are unworthy of it.

Then they care.

I've only met a few people in my life who truly want the kind of relationship that I do.

And yet... fear clouded my ability to do so.

Fear that has been instilled in me over countless rejections and disappointments.

So many dates with superficial and careless women.

That when the one good person does come along, I have my armor up and bracing for an impact that never comes.

I end up going on the offense. Making sure to protect myself as best as I can. Mindful of the many wounds I've suffered in the past and unwilling to suffer further.

Georgina was one of those girls.

I was such an idiot while with her.

How long has it been since I last saw her?

And I still think of her. She's still listed as a beneficiary on my pension plan at the union hall.

She was a good person. But, she handled our breakup poorly. Through text.

That was...

I don't like thinking about it.

Makes me question if she really was a good woman after all.

I suppose that is my own fault for not showing my vulnerability enough.

My armor was convincing enough for her to end things that way. Thinking that I wouldn't be affected by that approach. Otherwise, she would've done it differently. With more care and compassion.

But... that is in the past. I've learned from it.

And applied those lessons onto the wrong girl.

Imagine if I had done for Georgina what I've done for Fola.

Met her kid. Had sacred sex. Show my vulnerabilities.

Opened up.

Things would have been a lot different.

But... that was then.

And this is now.

And I'm... truly lost...

And I truly feel like an idiot at times.

What am I waiting for? For her to cheat on me?

To leave me for someone else?

I think I am. Because then I can say that I've given this my best. I've never tried so hard to make something work like I have with this.

I also want her to make a hypocrite of herself. So that her promises of us going on a trip and moving in and living on an acreage were all what they were.

Lies.

Delusions.

And knowing her, these lies and delusions will be forgotten about.

Especially if she meets someone exceptional.

And then she'll justify it all away.

"Oh, that guy was so demanding and controlling and I can't believe I thought he was my twin flame."

And she'll move on with her life.

Not caring about what she may have done to me.

And to herself.

Until maybe...

She gets tired of the new guy too.

Or...

Something else. Maybe he leaves her.

And then she'll know the pain of heartbreak once she is alone.

And realize what she's thrown away.

What she's... allowed to wither...

Because of her pride. Her unwillingness to take responsibility and make the necessary changes.

I am thinking of the words Ralph Smart used when describing a "water" relationship. His explanation of the difference between a water relationship and a coca-cola relationship, is that one is taken for granted and is not good for the soul. While the other is a profound connection, but requires constant nurturing and investment.

We're so borderline on this...

I don't feel like I am ready to commit to her. Not after everything she's done.

My trust is broken. Hardly any faith left.

And she doesn't think she needs to do anything to restore it.

All she wants is whatever she wants at whatever time she feels it.

Tantra.

Give me tantra.

Fuck the pain that I caused you.

It no longer exists.

And I'm a bad person for saying that it does.

God help me.

A beacon of light in the dark

Things have been getting clear for me lately. More stupid stuff has happened with Fola these past few days and... yeah, blog, looks like we're back together in spite of what I last said.

In spite of everything I've said on this blog.

Here's the clarity part.

She is confused. Lost. Prideful and selfish.

And her mission is to undermine my own.

I see it in the arguments that we have. In her actions. She'll say one thing and does another.

But at the same time, she does appear to genuinely try.

At times.

And there is progress.

But... progress towards what? And a few days ago she texted me saying that she felt like I was pulling her into some kind of game. A thought that occurred to me about her, earlier when we first met.

Funny how the game is only now being realized by her.

Not that I have been treating it that way. I'm only doing what I feel that I have to do.

My role in all this, I suppose, is to be her teacher.

And... Well... I've had some success with her, I must admit.

And plenty of failures.

These are not words I'd ever confess to her. But yes, she is confused and I'm supposed to help with that.

However, she is... she has her own agenda. And that is, to confuse me.

And she's doing very well at it.

In saying all this, I don't like to admit that I have some kind of special authority or expertise to be her teacher. But, I do know things that can be taught that she has yet to learn.

And she does learn these things. Sometimes she forgets them, but she sometimes remembers them too.

So... one step back, one step forward, I suppose.

What ties in nicely with this post is that I binge-watched Cobra Kai the day before and finished the series this morning. Fantastic show. And the real theme of it is:

"There are no bad students, only bad teachers."

And... it clicked for me.

It does make sense. My age. My experience. What I'm drawn towards and how I feel about certain things.

What my values are. My arguments. My way of thinking.

My so-called maturity.

My apparent strength.

Capacity for forgiveness.

Patience.

These things are.. what a teacher needs, I feel.

I have to exemplify them.

And also, to earn respect by who I am.

And that entails... becoming more of an inspiration to her, I think.

Otherwise, what kind of teacher would I be if I am failing to heed my own lessons?

And also.. If I am not a figure of admiration enough for my teachings to have credibility to be taken seriously.

That's the tough part. Having her do as I say and as I do.

I can't ever..

Hmm.. Can't expect her to rise above the level that I set for myself.

I know that's an arrogant statement, but I feel it's true.

There's a reason why she's still with me this whole time.

I'm hard of hearing. I can be annoying to deal with when I can't hear everything that is being said and my pride defends itself by pretending that I do.

I'm living a lie while trying to live the truth.

It's a... tough way of living.

Kind of like a sex addict who continues to have sex with multiple different women while preaching celibacy to others.

Kind of like that.

I want to be true to myself, but God has given me a disability. And my ego has developed a thick sense of pride and ignorance about it.

And at the same time, there is not much I can do about this problem. I don't have money for hearing aids and I fear what would happen if I wore them. My hearing could get even worse if certain sounds are amplified.

... I can't in good conscience be giving advice on spiritual matters when I am dealing with learning to implement that same advice into my own life.

That's hypocrisy.

Lying to myself and others.

And...

I hate it.

But...

This is the challenge I am dealing with. Multiple challenges...

Anyways... The point of all this is that I'm supposed to practice what I preach and that she is looking to me to teach her.

She has learned so much already...

And I fear that... maybe... there's not much left to offer.

I don't think our relationship is as good as it could be.

It certainly isn't as magical as it was at the beginning.

But it does have its moments.

And...

I have to persevere.

She can break up with me, but I don't think I can.

I've tried enough times.

Hasn't worked. I'm too forgiving.

Can't seem to hold a grudge very well. Although I do carry resentments that I remind myself about from time to time.

She really wants to practice magic. She really is seduced by darkness.

And pretends to serve God amongst all the confusion she's invited within herself.

I told her today that she couldn't serve two masters.

Her response was that there are no masters.

And yet...

Sighs...

She believes in ascended masters.

So... wtf.

Perhaps "experts" is a better substitute. And yet...

Shouldn't God be considered a master if He has created all this?

Doesn't "master" mean "someone of high or unmatched expertise" ?

I would qualify God as such.

Anyways... Things are a bit clearer.

I seem to be stumbling my way towards the truth.

Slowly but surely.

Eventually I'll get there.

And I hope I will be...

In good hands when I do.

Christmas

Woke up to a Medium subscription on my phone from Fola.

I'm glad I wrote what I did last night.

And... I was thinking this morning that in spite of all that happened yesterday, I am probably going to forgive.

My... mind isn't cooperating with me right now. I'm stuck on what to type next after my last sentence.

Was thinking of other things to mention about yesterday that I didn't and... I just don't... Feel like it anymore I guess.

Opened up this blog to specifically rant on her some more and...

What's the point?

I was hoping she would take pictures of everyone's reactions to my gifts this morning and she didn't.

Told me yesterday to remind her. I've asked her twice to do this for me.

Why should anyone have to remind a mother to take pictures of Christmas morning with their child and family?

She really doesn't care.

Just got a text from her a short while ago thanking me for the pizza cutter. No mention of the rubber chicken that I've gotten three of them. No pictures of anything. No comment on what Sade thinks about her gift or Ivy or her mom.

Just made it all about her.

I shouldn't be surprised. I've seen enough of her to know that this is the disappointment I'm expected to endure for as long as we're together.

She can't be "fixed" if she doesn't want to be.

She won't change into something that she is not.

She won't become a Georgina.

And... though I get fooled by her time and time again, she won't be genuinely expressing love to me by her actions.

Words... texts...

But nothing from the heart.

Nothing in her eyes. Her smile. Her actions...

Like taking the pictures I asked her to because I'm not able to be there while everyone opens their gifts.

Can't count on her for anything.

Other than to be disappointed and hurt. Repeatedly.

Disrespected. Not taken seriously.

And so on.

What a way for me to begin my Christmas.

This isn't how it should be.

Failed

I can't sleep.

I can't...

Fuck.

I can't be with her.

Not after what I saw tonight.

She texted me these nice things before I arrived, but when I got there, she was shut off and it was almost like I didn't exist.

"I am excited to see you"

And she wasn't.

Got in and not a few minutes go by before I felt completely abandoned and forgotten about.

Had to ask her for a drink of something. After over  a half hour of being there, watching her daughter play at the dining room table because there was nothing else for me to do or say.

She was more interested in her friend Lenore than she was with me.

I hated it. Saw the body language. Noticed her sitting closer to Lenore while keeping a distance from me.

The odd time she turned around to look at me, she smiled as if she was enjoying my discomfort.

Didn't give any fucks about my being there.

Asked me if I wanted red or white wine when she knows that I don't drink white wine. It's like she doesn't even think about me anymore.

The worst part of the evening for me was her "joke" about giving some guy her number because he was a rich doctor or some such.

That's not my girlfriend.

That will not be my wife.

Didn't try and make me feel comfortable or loved or accepted or cared about.

Thought about.

Despite what she texted me with earlier. I don't think she's ever said anything to me in person like she did in those texts.

"You are my beloved and I am excited for you to meet my family"

Show up and she's ego-tripping on her own nonsense.

Too oblivious to be aware of herself. Or of me.

Her supposed beloved.

I watched when Ben came in through the door. Lenore gave him the hug that I would've liked from Fola.

Watched them at the dinner table and they were so affectionate that Sheila had to ask if they were newlyweds.

"No. We just really love each other."

Ben sat on the floor in front of Lenore and got a neck and shoulder massage.

Had ice cream fed to him. Had her stroking his hair and touching him.

Smiling at him.

And my girlfriend is practically cuddled up next to Lenore and hardly acknowledging that I exist.

Yes, she stroked my leg a few times but I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to. It was hours after I arrived. Felt like she was doing it because she knew she was neglecting me all this time and had an obligation to show some moderate level of affection towards me.

Felt so fucking fake.

I couldn't sleep tonight. Was laying in bed thinking about all this.

"Give him my number! ehhhh just kidding"

That's not my girlfriend.

I've never felt so alone at a public event before.

Never felt so unwanted.

And I shouldn't have to feel like that if the love of my life is with me.

But I did.

And... I feel like such a fool. Felt like I've been lied to and manipulated and connived against and toyed with and disrespected and...

Fuck.

FUCK.

All that talk was just that. Talk.

Lenore asked me when we are going on a trip.

Makes my blood boil. I hate thinking about us going on a trip. Wanted to go to Cuba a year ago. Wanted to go throughout the year.

Nothing. NOT A FUCKING THING.

I can't plan for it. We discussed this. It'll mean she has to book time off work and make arrangements for Ivy.

And fuck... another thing that makes my blood boil.

"I am going to Brazil!" she squawked. On more than a number of ocassions.

To see this John of God guy... and the Spiritist centres they have there.

Well, John of God was accused of sexual assault by over 300 women and the tour group she wanted to join is no longer associating themselves with him.

But she really wanted to go. And...

Fuck.

Thinking about how she told me when she gets her pension money we'll go.

That came and went.

Just.. fucking lies from her mouth.

And... I hate it when she lights up and brags about how she would be good at being a concubine or a whore whenever we watch some show where women are tempting men.

"I bet I'd be so good at that!"

Not my girlfriend.

Never will be my wife.

I saw part of the gift she gave me today. Just a pizza cutter. I don't need it. I already have one at home.

No... thought put into that. I feel stupid for the amount of effort I've put into gifts for her and her family.

I was..

This is too painful to write.

I don't even feel like completing the last of her gifts. The picture frames with photos of us inside.

She isn't going to appreciate them. Or if she does, she isn't going to reciprocate.

She isn't going to care enough to ever do the same.

I've failed. Maybe its my fault for not being attractive enough to her.

Not vulnerable enough. But I already know not to be vulnerable around her.

It never works out.

Just admitting weakness to the enemy.

I truly feel like this woman enjoys causing me pain on a level that she isn't aware of.

This... rollercoaster has got to stop.

I think my lesson here is clear. To stand up for my worth and to leave her behind for the unknown that awaits me.

Maybe I'll die alone.

Maybe I'll find the right one for me.

Maybe she will, also.

Maybe she won't.

I don't think she will change. She doesn't have the maturity I need from a partner. She is not... my equal or my twin. She doesn't reflect my values as a twin flame should.

She doesn't care about...

Fuck, it doesn't matter anymore what I write, does it?

Just endless complaining. Endless hurt.

Bright spots here and there when she decides to take us seriously.

That's the only time when things work out between us. When she fears losing me.

And... why the fuck does she want to be with me still?

I don't get it.

Well... I do get it, but I'm not giving her what she wants on a silver platter like she expects me to.

I want a girlfriend I feel rejuvenated by. Loved and cared by. Respected by.

Not one that fucking drains me and revels in the damage she causes that she can't ever hope to explain. And even when she does explain, it often doesn't make sense. And in the rare times when it does make sense, it rarely gets taken seriously enough to be mindful of for longer than a day or two.

Seems like I'll always have the same complaints about her.

She'll always be sending me thoughtless messages that she can't be bothered to proof read. Messages that sometimes make no sense whatsoever.

"hiya! White Spot"

Is one of them. Even if I knew what White Spot is (some restaurant I've never heard of), it wouldn't make sense to text "hiya! A&W" either.

No picture or anything. Just that. Blind ignorance.

No empathy.

Can't be bothered to explain because she is not able to place herself in my shoes and assume that I don't know what the hell she's talking about.

Even my stepdad yesterday left a comment on her "meditation" video.

His words were: "What the hell are you talking about?"

I don't feel loved by her and I can't respect her. She doesn't... care enough about me to want to earn any of it from me.

And that hurts.

But...

Fuck...

FUCK.

I can't let that get to me.

It seems that I'm only able to function around her and impress her by being non-chalant and aloof.

To keep my distance far enough so that she will always wonder what it is I'm actually thinking and feeling.

She doesn't deserve to know any of what I'm thinking and feeling.

Not when she...

Uses it against me.

It's like... I'm in this war... and I'm telling the other general what my plans are. What my troop numbers are. Where we plan to attack and defend.

Why the fuck am I so stupid?

I can't trust her. I don't think she can be trusted.

Her soon to be ex-husband will testify to that.

She broke her vows. Convinced him to sleep around because she is "sex positive" and doesn't believe in monogamy.

Who can trust someone like that?

This idiot, right here. Tried.

Thought that love could transform someone.

I don't know. Maybe some people just...

Are... unwilling to go that far.

At least for longer than a little while. Until they are back to the way they are. Where it's comfortable and not so strange. Familiarity.

I... really disliked her story about this girl she met at Remedy that she felt threatened by. She didn't like her hair and her voice and the conversation and... there was this moment in her telling all this where she stood up and pretended like she was yelling at the woman in question. This... angry... reaction to a complete stranger...

There is something really wrong with that woman.

I can't be with her.

And now.. I have to think about the future.

I can't go on pretending like this.

I can't be comfortable walking around eggshells with her.

And she shouldn't be comfortable doing the same with me, either.

One thing that tonight taught me was how much I appreciate my mother. Her warmth, her compassion, her humor and heart.

And I think of Georgina again, too. She was... the one girl that most resembled my mother.

Her spirit was... very similar... but somewhat... more refined. More pure.

And I fucked it up because I was too scared. Never met her kids after six months of dating. Kept making excuses not to talk to her on the phone because I didn't like the feeling of opening up and being vulnerable after such a long string of heartache.

I know that if I ... break up with Fola, I'm going to have to deal with this all again. I'm going to have to be .., I'll have to be... willing to love and trust. And to be courageous enough to walk away if I'm not attracted to someone instead of going along with someone who I don't want to be with.

Just because I suppose.. the fear of being alone gets to me. The fear of being unloved.

And... maybe this is what Fola and I have in common... except... when we are given what we want, it becomes easy to take it for granted. Once we have whatever we aspire towards, the shine fades off for no reason other than our own boredom.

I think of the stars in the sky and how beautiful they can look. I think of how few people look to admire them and if they do, it is for a brief instant and they are back to being ignorant.

Beautiful things are always beautiful. And worth preserving and protecting and being in gratitude of them.

Not... enjoyed for brief moments here and there with the rest of the time being complacent and ignorant of the treasure that is right in front of their eyes.

I feel like... there's some karma here... maybe I was a womanizer in a past life. Maybe I broke a lot of hearts myself and now these hearts are back to give me what it is that I deserve.

Vengeance for all that I have done.

And perhaps I've hurt Fola more than anyone.

I don't know.

I'm not sure what to do next, my blog. I don't know.

I can't go on pretending like this.

So close to love and yet so far.

Just... this pale approximation of it... this... creature that sometimes rises up to play a role that is against the very nature of who she is.

And.. maybe... that pain... is not something I am responsible for. In the present or the past.

Maybe... I heal these women by rejecting them. Or having them reject me.

In some weird way.

If ...

Sighs.

I don't feel like writing much more about all this.

But I had to let it out.

Can't keep this bottled up forever.

When I came home after the party, I sobbed for a minute while kneeling by the couch.

Couldn't handle this pain.

Had to release it.

I can't count on her for anything. It used to be sex, but that has changed because who knows what "mood" she is going to be in.

Can't count on her for anything.

She won't give support when I need it. Though she'll say she will and will do a horrendous job of it.

She won't... keep to her promises and show progress towards the fulfillment of them.

She isn't the sort that I can ...

Fuck man..

I've written enough.

Why... why would I want this woman to be the one who raises my child? To start a family with? To spend a long life into old age with?

I can't see it.

She talked about the acreage today around her mom. Just this "when we get our acreage..." comment, which was nice, but at the same time reminded me of her other promises.

The trip.

Moving in.

Promising to be more mindful of her text messages.

Promising to be more affectionate towards me in person.

Promising not to close off as much.

...

God....

Look at me type all this.

I...

Can hardly think of anything nice to say.

Other than that she touched my leg for a few minutes tonight.

How pathetic does that sound?

I suppose if the shoe was on the other foot, she wouldn't have many nice things to say about me tonight either.

Maybe she'll say that I was polite.

And that... I looked nice.

That's really it. And I can't say much positive about myself either.

I wasn't on top of my game. Felt like I was entering a boxing match and left the ring to be a spectator because my coach was busy getting beers for himself and mingling with everyone else in the crowd.

Rather than to stand by me.

To give me strength beyond the words he encouraged me with earlier. Before I arrived.

To be there when I need him.

...

And...

I can't ... will not be with her.

I suppose.. I have to start shifting away.

Maybe I just have to wait until she breaks up with me.

But that's what cowards do, isn't it?

Shouldn't I stand up for myself and say that I've had enough?

And MEAN it this time?

Not like the dozens of other times where I've been so quick to forgive but can't quite forget because she doesn't have much of an interest in making up for anything?

Will I always carry the memory of her abandoning me after I spent three weeks up north and booked a hotel for us that she turned down so she could go clubbing with her sister?

And then not come over afterwards to see me?

...

She's with me because she likes the way I can make her feel.

But... that comes at a price.

I know it's not unconditional love.. but I would be a fool to give that to someone I don't trust or feel loved by in return.

Perhaps... I can forgive her when I understand why things are the way they are with her.

But I don't.

I don't understand her.

The pattern always has been amazing highs and then something will happen to tear it all down to the bottom again. Go from great love to great loathing.

There doesn't seem to be any stability. I've told her enough times how important stability is to me.

But she doesn't strive towards that.

I'm not one that is worthy of being given what I want from her.

Not unless...

Fuck...

She manipulates me.

Toys with me.

Treats me like...

An accessory.

There's... so much pain between the both of us.

I... am not perfect. She knows this all too well how imperfect I can be.

And she also knows how perfect I can be.\

I suppose I know the same of her. That's probably why we've been together for almost 2 years now.

We both have seen the best and worst of each other.

And we are addicted to the best.

But...

There's... different priorities going on. What I value is not what she values.

Although we do have some overlaps.

Love and magic.

But... she's gotten both and have lost interest over time.

Until she creates drama enough for me to give a shit again.

And reignite our passions.

Same for her.

When she gives a shit, love and magic becomes common.

Although... it decreases in frequency and intensity.

Because...

I think we're giving less and less of a shit.

I am not going to give her what she wants if there's a good chance she is going to take it for granted.

And she has. Many times.

Doesn't matter how much I try or how well I do.

It's... transitory...

The great sex we've had of yesterday is often always forgotten about the next day.

Nothing lingers.

And...

I'm pretty tired of it.

There's no reason for me to put so much thought into things for her when she feels entitled towards my efforts without having earned the things I do.

I don't like how that makes me sound. Like I'm deliberately holding stuff back from her. Not wanting to fully open myself up and really let myself shine.

But... it's true. I don't like doing this... Not anymore.

Used to.

But not anymore.

Not when I feel like she uses all that against me.

In some fucked up unconscious way.

"Give my number to him! Just kidding!"

I wonder what else she says when I'm not around.

I still remember how she fucked up the last time we broke up and it took her a month to show up at my doorstep.

She thought she didn't have anything to apologize for. Just...

Pick up where we left off and forget that everything happened.

She doesn't even remember the reason for why we broke up. Just creates fiction in her head and then stops thinking about anything once we're back together.

Well.. that's not entirely true... I still remember that first week of us being together. It was amazing.

Felt like she really turned a corner.

Until she stopped trying.

And I knew it was all a deception.

Love and compassion and affection and empathy are not qualities that is bred within her.

Despite how often she claims otherwise.

I know her.

I know her well.

I may not fully understand, but I know her.

I should probably go to bed. I have another dinner party with my mom tomorrow night.

And her.

I hope this... dissipates.

Until at least after the party is done.

Then...

I'll have to... make time for myself and figure things out.

Need to...

Connect with that power again.

And be who I authentically am.

Again.

And not to let some woman take the piss out of me because she is amused by it.

Dangling the promise of love before me like a carrot.

And bringing it close enough before taking it away.

Again.

Again and again.

And again.

I've had enough.

I don't...

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Breaking up doesn't feel right.

And yet it does.

I am a fool.

And I...

I am someone special.

That I know.

But...

I don't want to guard myself any longer.

I don't want to be made confused and given false hopes.

I need to truly believe the value that I can bring into this world.

And...

Bring it.

Somehow.

Some way.

Soon.

And end this suffering once and for all.

Move on to the next chapter of my life.

With my head held high.

And looking back far enough only to remember not to repeat the mistakes I've made.

If I can manage to find courage to do so.

Perhaps I am the cowardly lion.

And she is the Wizard deceiving me.

Perhaps.

That may be how it truly is.

Gray

It's not a good day when it starts with a phone call from the bank's collection department.

I had to ignore it. What else could I have done? I was sure that I made the payment that they are phoning me to ask for.

It's tough. The stock markets are horrible right now. My once 60k is worth less than half that and there is no turnaround in sight.

Was listening to a motivational video/speech and this one lady in it made me... made me feel that I am at or near rock bottom. And... she made me feel that it is up to me to make things right for myself. To realize my potential and to push myself forward.

But Lord, it is so hard sometimes.

I have tried. I did write a couple of books. I don't know what they are supposed to be and I wish I had the confidence in knowing that they can be great. That they are worth pursuing and developing and publishing and that they will help make me money and... point me towards a new direction in life.

Giving me my optimism back.

That is not to say I don't feel optimistic and that, I think, is a problem.

Willful ignorance can only last for so long.

All I could think of when I saw the collection's ID on my phone was...

It is what it is. And... I can't believe they called on Christmas Eve.

I still have gifts to wrap. I don't know if... I picked the right ones.

I still... have that ego in me which refuses to let go of pride and wanting to be accepted.

Wanting to be loved when I often don't feel that way at all.

I suppose I have no one to blame other than myself for not digging my feet into the ground and pushing forward.

I suppose... I can't blame anyone or anything for the life that I live. Other than myself.

Can't blame God, though I often do.

I have everything I need to become a success. Everything but... the willpower. The drive.

And perhaps, the idea that drives me.

I thought about making a website where I charge people to take lessons. Like, a Mystery School but an honest one. One that respects the intelligence and development of the individual and one that admits to skepticism and not having all of the answers.

An honest school.

And, I can't help but feel that it is... the blind leading the blind. My teaching others of a success for themselves that I myself have not yet realized.

And... I have to be better than this.

I must be. I... don't want to declare bankruptcy at some point. I don't want to be this aimless towards life and not having a goal or feeling like everything is meaningless and without purpose.

Or to accept that the purpose of this life is only to survive.

Everything else is a distraction.

I was reading Desire of All Ages a few days ago and randomly flipped to the chapter on temptation. E.G. White is an incredible writer. Her body of work and her passion is clearly evident. The commitment and faith that woman has...

Faith and commitment that I too, can and have had.

I am meeting Fola's mother tonight for the first time. At a party where I will be the only man there until one other fellow shows up about an hour after dinner starts.

Last night Fola and I spent the evening downstairs in my tent with the candles going. It was magical and... there was something to seeing the candlelight upon her hands and the gold rings and bracelet she was wearing.

It felt like... we've done this before. In a time long past. Within a desert. Sand around us and no one around for miles.

Just silence.

And... it was special.

I... feel like such a loser at times...

I don't want to go down any further than I already am before I push myself to move up.

And yet, this is... looking like the direction I am taking.

For years I have blinded by my ego and pride. Thinking myself to be special and unique and different than all the rest. Not... in this overly prideful way, but in a prideful way nonetheless.

For years I thought myself to have a gift that was waiting for the "right" moment to be given to the world and where all my dreams would come true, once this fated day appears.

But it hasn't. And perhaps... it is my responsibility to make this happen on its own...

Without reliance upon anything other than myself.

...

I write this words feeling... like I've written them many times before. Many times I have acknowledged my suffering and many times I... continue to go on as I am.

Without change. Although, I have tried.

But clearly I have not tried hard enough.

I've not committed myself enough.

Haven't found that strength I've needed. That inspiration which lasts. The vision to fully believe in.

And yet... for a reason unbeknownst to me, I feel... that these things are all there.

Alive...

Alive and...dormant... sleeping...

A part of me says to... weather this storm. It shall pass. And another part is telling me to do something about it.

But what?

One suspicion I have is that I must take responsibility for all this first. I must wake up each morning at a certain time with a certain objective in mind.

I must take it seriously.

If I am not working towards my dreams, than no one will do the work for me.

And they will never be realized until I first commit myself to them.

But, I have to believe in them first.

And for this, I blame God... or the forces outside of myself that seems the gatekeeper and the obstacle that stands before me.

I sometimes see it as... waiting for the muse that never comes.

Holding faith until it does.

I've... had an interesting past few days. Honestly, my life has been interesting in small and numerous ways.

There are synchronicities and conversations I've had with people that I've inexplicably met.

There does appear the hidden hand of God in much of these moments.

I have experienced magic in the past. I know for a fact that it exists. A FACT.

I have been in witness of it.

Again, I feel my path to be shaped by... something other than myself.

I only wonder as to... who it may be. And why.

What... Where am I going?

Who am I meant to become?

At my age, I should already know this.

I should be equipped and able to support a family and yet, I cannot support myself.

I have to admit that.

I am struggling.

I am... heavily in debt.

I am unsure of my girlfriend's love for me. Our... compatibility.

And yet... I... feel that I can trust her even when I can't.

For some strange paradoxical reason.

Deep down, I feel that I have the solution and know what is required.

And yet... courage, eludes me.

Perhaps... this is what I am to meditate towards.

Courage. Faith.

Thinking about God and Jesus and religion in general... As I was reading Desire of All Ages, it struck me how one must truly commit to the idea of expressing loyalty to the powers of Creation.

That seems to be the common thread throughout everything.

Believe. Truly believe and commit yourself to acting out It's will.

I hesitate to do so because I have committed in the past. And it did not work out for me.

Upon more than one occasion.

I admit that I am skeptical now. That I... have this balance going between skepticism and belief.

This agnostic way of being.

An uncertain confidence.

It is 9:15am and I really should get to wrapping up my gifts and preparing for the day ahead.

Though I believe in reincarnation, life happens only right now.

This is the only life that matters. The one that I live.

Despite what may await me on the other side. In spite of the knowing that I may likely return. To try again. To learn a different type of lesson.

Or perhaps,

To repeat the same one. Until I understand it and get it right.

Maybe...

Maybe this is the lesson.

To fight.

To change.

To believe.

To succeed.

To love.

To be true to myself.

And to aspire towards great things.

And realize them.

I have to go.

Each minute that passes was an opportunity.

And I must try and take advantage of all the time that I have.

This is the only life that matters.

May God be with me.

Static

It's been a tough day for me. And night.

I laid in bed early in the evening thinking about how it was with Fola the day prior.

I won't bother getting into details. Mainly because I don't want to relive the pain that comes from speaking of them.

I have to ...

Accept.

And...

Forgive... I suppose...

Part of me feels like I'm rambling with nothing to say. A struggle to piece words together.

Though they flow from my soul, I feel the words to be as empty as I am.

Hollow. Restless.

Resigned.

I can't ... for the life of me know what I should be doing.

Last night I laid in bed praying deeply for answers.

I... felt like I moved far in my... search to discover the truth of my spiritual beliefs.

I.. remember navigating this.. maze.. inside of me to really try and see if I accepted that there is a God and what that God would look like and behave.

What the motivation of Him or It would be.

And... I reaffirmed myself as an instrument to it. I prayed with honesty. Admitting that I didn't have a clear understanding of who or what I was praying towards.

I went over it in my mind. Defined what I thought "God" actually is and developed it from there.

Ultimately, there is the God that is omnisecent and permeates the universe. It is life itself. The planets, the stars, the dark and the light.

The life that exists across and within everything that there is.

Such a being would not be listening to me, would it.

I thought so. For something of such grand intelligence and so all-encompassing; there can be little capacity for it to reflect upon the life of a single individual and to affect a change of sort.

Or to impart a truth. Or to interact directly.

I am only one of many. Many trillions within the universe.

How can such a being know the thoughts of my head and the feelings in my heart?

How can it know what it is that I desire or lack? What could it possibly do to alleviate the pain that I feel inside? By what obligation does it have to interact with me? Does the capacity exist?

That is when my prayers began acknowledging the aspects of God. I understood that there is likely a hierarchy in place. The notion of angels and demi-Gods and demiurges came to mind.

It made sense to me that... There would be... not one singular being, but a multitude of them with their own strengths and weaknesses.

It also made sense to me... to think that at least one of them had the capability and compassion enough to interact with me.

I had to... elevate my beliefs during all of this. I had to be honest with myself.

Perhaps there are angels out there. Or a higher self.

Maybe we are all avatars being remotely controlled from afar.

And I had to accept during my prayers that there must be some kind of intelligence out there that knows my situation and is willing to offer its assistance.

So, I called upon it.

And...

I don't know. Maybe it answered in the form of an idea. But it is an idea that I struggled with today.

I wanted to know what I can do. What I must do.

It seemed that the thought of my starting an online mystery school was the answer that I received.

And yet, I spent most of today not feeling particularly excited about this idea.

I devoted a good amount of time to working on a template to see how such a website would look, and I can't say I am impressed with what I have achieved.

And... I realized that this type of endeavor requires a fair amount of faith and commitment in order for it to work.

... I also realized that I don't have much passion for the idea of teaching "magic" and esoteric concepts like I used to.

Because I honestly don't know what to believe in anymore.

Everything feels so layered and impossible to understand. There is so much contradictory information. There is so much... too much....

That it seems almost pointless to try and sort it all out.

I feel... closed off. Blank. Barely existing.

Can't get excited about my girlfriend anymore. Can't... depend on her. I don't have much confidence in her ability to raise my spirits.

But I do believe in her ability to crush them.

To... make me feel and be at my worst.

It seems that... I...

I am ensnared.

Trapped.

Bled dry.

I've been hurt enough by her.

I don't know if I can... continue to pretend, but pretend I must.

And...

It feels like I've accepted a lie.

Rather than truth.

I've been in denial of the truth for much of the time I was with her.

I... am not a better human being now than I was two years ago.

I...

Have to accept that this is the truth.

My life has not improved since meeting her.

Doesn't feel like it has, anyways.

I... find little joy in the routines of my day.

Movies don't interest me much. Books aren't gripping my attention like they used to.

My writing has suffered, and it is a challenge to put words to paper.

Except for now, I suppose, when the topic at hand is about my feelings.

But that doesn't amount to very much.

My skills as a writer...

...I've talked so long about how I wanted to write a book. To earn a living as an author.

And it doesn't seem to want to happen.

As I write this, I am aware of this... block, before me.

This wall. A barrier that keeps me from accessing the creativity that had once came so easily to me.

Optimism lays beyond this wall, also.

That kind of.. blissful ignorance of my situation.

My faith. In myself and in others and in God.

All kept behind what seems like a door that I am afraid to open.

Or that I am unable to.

I put headphones in my ears and I can't enjoy the music.

I smoke cigarettes and can't enjoy them either.

The pain comes from knowing how I once was, and what I have potential to become.

Potential that feels eroded. For various reasons.

Again I am reminded of the words of the psychic who gave me a spirit-guide reading.

There is a woman in my life whose mission is to spiritually undermine me.

As I type those words, I cannot help but feel the danger that comes with placing blame on my girlfriend. Blame that should not be attributed to anyone but myself, for I should accept responsibility for the way I am feeling. The situation I am in.

And yet, I cannot dispel the notion that she is largely responsible for holding me back.

When things get good between us, she somehow manages to sabotage it.

Her mood swings.. her level of awareness... her...

Mind changes...

And her obsession with spirituality and magic and mystery schools and shamanism.

It all weighs me down.

The pain is not that my girl is involved in those things, but rather, she is... pursuing them for selfish purposes.

She is not genuinely searching for the truth.

She is interested in money and power.

Little else.

Relationships... family...

I really don't like typing about all this.

It feels like I am casting blame.

And yet, I have to admit that I do not feel fully comfortable around that woman.

Our relationship feels like a mine field. One wrong step and something bad will happen.

I... can't communicate with her. Some of her texts are not things she tells me in person, when these are words best said face to face. Some of her texts don't make any sense, with her careless errors of spelling and grammar. I feel that she denies me a large part of who she is by not going into detail with her thoughts and emotions.

I feel that she is perpetually confused at why she does the things she do.

I don't think she understands herself and the confusion of it all is falling onto me to figure it out for her.

And... I feel like I've given her enough of my analysis.

I'm pretty tired of the drama she creates.

Yesterday I told her I was feeling deflated and beat. She did not acknowledge those words.

Instead, she spoke about herself and her fear of being alone and feeling like I've abandoned her.

A guilt trip.

It is almost always about her.

And yet, I've known all along how selfish she can be. How ignorant and lacking in self-awareness she actually is.

I've known this and yet I...

I continue to let this go on.

This madness.

The way she talked about planning her sister's birthday in five months made me realize how she doesn't do anything similar for me.

And I am not saying this because I feel entitled towards that kind of special attention.

More so that I feel as if I... am being...

Punished.

Toyed with.

Taken for granted.

I sometimes wonder what I have done to deserve all this. How I do things for her like showing up with candy that she likes, or being courteous and accommodating when she rarely extends to me the same affections and attentions that I do for her.

I often wonder what it is that I am doing wrong.

Because I am. I must be.

At least in terms of keeping her interested and willing to please.

It feels like... I am being steered towards a particular way of being.

Like, I have to... fit a certain image that I do not enjoy growing into.

... My words are failing me now.

I suppose she wants me to be something that I am having difficulty with becoming.

And sometimes that... person is not who I want to be.

When I give her my best and it is not good enough, I lose a part of myself in the process.

I feel less inclined to give.

Less connected to her and myself.

Imagine finding someone a beautiful gift. You are excited for them to receive it. And when they do, they casually toss it aside like it had no meaning to them.

Then, imagine that feeling to occur multiple times. Once a month, lets say.

That disappointment she creates in me is... not easily... overcome.

Not easily understood, even.

She...

God....

There is a lesson in all this for me, but I don't know for sure what it is.

It feels like all the pieces of the puzzle is right in front of my face but I am too fearful to accept the image that is revealed once I assemble them all together.

It feels like I've compromised myself.

Like I've agreed to a blasphemy that should never have been allowed to take root. Let alone be given water and food enough to grow into what it has now become.

There is a coldness in my hands right now. A stillness in the air that disturbs me,

I feel restless and unsure of what to do. Other than to type.

Type out everything that comes from these fingers of mine.

Blot out the pain that I am feeling by expunging myself.

Purging.

No wonder I've kept this blog up for so long. I've always needed a place to write down these thoughts. To.. try and make sense of them. To calibrate my intentions and goals and visions.

To openly despair and to cry out without anyone knowing.

My safe space.

And... there has been so much perverted by that woman. So...

So much pain and anger and remorse and fear and disappointment and promise and ...

lies.

And she goes on. Not really knowing what is wrong.

Or what she does the things that she does.

I feel like I've confused hate for love.

I feel like I've committed a sin by being with her.

And yet throughout all this, I feel like...

That there's hope somewhere.

Somewhere in this mess there is hope.

There is reason to believe.

To feel and become alive and have faith and joy and...

I don't know if that is the lie or the truth.

Whether I am telling myself all this to keep being with her.

I can't deny that there is a lesson here.

I've tried to leave her multiple times and multiple times we've gotten back together.

Stockholm Syndrome.

If that is the case, then I am truly lost.

And yet.

Doesn't love conquer all?

Can I not transcend how that woman makes me feel?

Can I not be who I am meant to be, without her?

Or with her?

Can... can we... both heal ourselves of the pain we cause to one another?

Because I am responsible for her pain as well.

Though I sometimes wonder how much of the burden is for me to bear.

And how much...

...it doesn't matter...

Again... my words are failing me.

Shouldn't love elevate us?

Free us?

Give us reason to believe in the world?

Open doors that previously have been closed?

... I ask these questions because they are what I believe when love enters into our lives.

I have loved her fully. And I still do.

Try to. Try to do it, I mean.

And it gets really hard at times.

I feel guilty for not wanting to talk to her on the phone. But I would hate myself if I had to pretend that there was nothing amiss. That all was well.

Because it's not.

And I can't expect to confess exactly what it is that I feel because... I cannot expect the sympathy I need. The advice or the actions that would help in easing this pain is not to come from her.

I cannot hope for her to do what is necessary.

Because I have been disappointed enough.

I have seen what she will and will not do.

My body feels cold. Lit up another cigarette. Must have had five already since I started writing this post.

I think of all the motivational quotes. Articles. Stuff I've learned, and none of it... little of it seems to hold me up.

When the truth has no effect on me, what point is there in seeking for it?

When I choose to believe a lie, why should I expect truth to be delivered onto me?

When she promises us to take a big trip somewhere and repeatedly fails to deliver and goes on trips of her own, why do I continue to... believe that it is possible?

Honestly, I don't. I am at that point now. I don't... think...

I don't want to even admit the words.

Now I see why I am struggling.

I am not wanting to believe in the lie.

I hate hearing my parents talk about Cuba. About how Fola and I should go.

And the way Fola... pretends like it will happen.

But, its been over a year since I wanted to go. Many opportunities to do so.

And we didn't go.

No discussion about it.

I can't plan it because I don't think she is going to try and make it happen for us.

Always excuses.

It's never the right time.

I hear...

Sighs...

A part of me just... yelled out at me to stop writing.

It would be easier to stop.

But... I feel like I have to keep going.

That wall, again.

Looms before me.

She promises me the world and delivers onto me disappointment.

It doesn't feel like she loves me.

I... have to ...

accept that?

How can I... accept that she doesn't love me... when it seems like she does?

When she pretends as strongly to me as I do to her?

I'm really tired of being hurt.

Really tired.

How our relationship has gone for this long, I do not know.

Binded together by fear, I suppose.

And I can't deny the magic that passed between us.

The magic that we sometimes still feel.

But is it all really worth going through hell for?

I've tried and failed.

So has she.

But...

I continue to...

Words again... That wall...

Delude myself.

And until I feel that I deserve better, I will always be willing to suffer.

I must firmly believe that I deserve better.

The more she makes me doubt myself, the less deserving I shall feel.

And... I'm a pretty good guy.

Just... a flawed one.

One with big dreams.

Dreams that... I don't feel fully confident in achieving.

Dreams that.. feel undeserved and unearned.

Maybe this is what she senses, also.

That I am a good guy with good intentions and dreams.

And... for whatever harm I may have done to her.. for whatever reasons unknown to me, she... is wanting to destroy them.

Maybe it was something in a past life that I've done.

A karma... a wrong that needs to be made right.

I don't know.

The solution is to surrender.

To remain true to myself.

And let the forces guide me where they may.

Yes, there is a hierarchy of beings out there that exhibit compassion and bestow wisdom and assistance to those that desperately require it.

I am one of those beings.

I am in need.

And I pray for that which may deliver me from evil.

No matter how empty of faith I can be.

I pray with a hollow heart.

For I have little else to give.

And yet...

I have everything.

I have everything.

I am everything.