Sobering thoughts I'm having tonight, blog. Sorry I didn't update immediately after the last post. Lots going on and its hard to concentrate or want to write when I have a dog running around. Even while asleep, Sadie kind of put me on edge, keeping a closer eye on her that she needs to.
And that didn't help either, because once I left Sadie's line of sight, she would wake up and follow me around wherever I went in the house. It was... excessive, at times.
But, she's been successively adopted out to a family that I believe loves and will give her a good home. They're a military couple with a huge 7 year old Rottweiler dog that moved like Marlon Brando through a tub of Jello and about equally as jaded in it's facial expressions. The dog was like an old retired Italian gangster, probably 4 times the size of Sadie.
And they played. It was incredible seeing these two dogs feel each other out, and then watching Sadie goad their dog Reily into playing. Erika and Evan and myself were transfixed by these two dogs. Watching their every interaction. Seeing if Sadie would get along.
She sure did. Jumping on Riley's face grabbing paws on each side of his head; it was... like... a happy child wanting to play with a childless parent, a parent that gave up in having a child to look after and feel consoled by.
Sadie really filled that void in Riley, I think. This maternal bonding... This mutual dog agreement that passes by in a flicker. A suggestion to be best friends.
It was... beautiful. I'm really glad I ran into this family. The last family had two dogs and two cats, none of which cared to play with Sadie. Despite Sadie attempting to try.
Sighs.
Anyways. That's not the sobering thought I wanted to write about on here.
Nah. It's about Fola and I.
I realized that we hate each other. We hate and... pretend to love each other? Love each other on a deep soul level?
I don't know.
But we can't seem to easily separate from one another.
Circumstances and words and actions and the feelings they arouse, its so full of sychronicities and convenient timing. It really feels like a kind of fate that has to play itself out beyond the conscious level of awareness that we have. A limited sort, but we each share an intuition that transcends awareness at times with the interactions we often have. The dramas. The swinging from high to low, to high and low, again. A constant back and forth.
Stress. Stress. Stress. Not really keen on filling in on the details of what happened since I last posted.
I'm watching this show right now on Netflix about exes getting back together after years apart, looking for another chance to reignite old passions.
And... I tried imagining how it would be if it was Fola and I, separated after a year or two. Would either of us agree to going on this show? To win the other back?
I couldn't picture it. Why would she go so far as to try? She hasn't tried all that hard in the past when it came to demonstrating her passion and commitment to the relationship. Sometimes the passion part comes easily enough, but the commitment is harder to come by. Through words of reassurance or certain actions and acknowledgement and expressed appreciation of the ex as a genuine and worthwhile human being-- is very difficult to really demonstrate trustworthiness and reason to feel secure within the relationship.
She feels secure. I don't. Or perhaps I am completely wrong about that, but sometimes I wonder.
She doesn't seem to behave in a way that implies insecurity with us. I don't see her reaching for my hand to hold, or jumping into my arms for a hug without waiting or choosing instead to remove a coat, or shoes upon entering through the door. There's no cuddling at night that she instigates enough times to feel her insecurity by. She sometimes in the past said strange things that did imply it, but they faded away easily enough. Like, having to keep the bedroom door closed and locked at night. But, that didn't seem to be a valid, rational fear she continues to have.
Maybe she's getting over her fears. I'm not sure. Two years and a month, we've been together. That's a long time for me.
And, I haven't seen anyone actually "grow" into a different, more mature person during the time they've been in a relationship with me.
I am really ashamed of myself for having been with Gynger for so long. Longer than I should have. But I liked talking to her. And though I wouldn't have sex often, I was communicating unintentionally how unattractive she was to me. Her body, mostly. And it was true. I didn't find her body attractive.
That's the truth. And, perhaps the crime is in my...
No. I didn't mislead her. I felt that my actions and intentions were well-communicated and understood. I liked hanging out with her and getting the occasional bj and I had no desire for a romantic relationship. Or even a boyfriend/girlfriend one.
More like friends with partial benefits.
Sighs.
My being with Gynger for all that time was... was it time well-spent? Was it a mistake from the beginning for me to have... unintentionally mislead her all that time?
But, she did find a great guy after I stopped seeing her. I think it worked out really well for her that I left.
Same with a lot of exes that I've dated in the past. They often go on to find good relationships and marriages soon after being with me. I'm somewhat pleasantly surprised.
And... I watch this show with these exes reconnecting again, and I can't see this with Fola and I.
The rapport some of these couples have, the chemistry, it's nothing like what we have. We have something else going on. Some kind of weird level of vulnerability that we're each willing to commit towards being, but not fully and completely.
And... yeah, I don't know. Fola called Sadie "stupid" earlier today in text message. I thought that was unkind of her. Hateful and with spite. Although later she tried to dismiss it as a joke when I visited her in person.
Sighs. I don't know why I continue to write about this. Why I'm still with her.
Is she bringing out the best in me? No. Am I doing it for her? No, not as much as I used to.
It's so important to have trust in a relationship. I can't have it with her. I can't trust her to keep her word or to remember what my concerns and needs and wants are.
Or to take my feelings seriously about all the crazy things she's been doing. Setting up dramatic situations, and playing out scenarios that sometimes stack and cause me increasing amounts of resentment towards her. This feedback loop kicks in where I stop caring about her as much, and she feels neglected and unloved. Therefore, she creates more of these situations unconsciously. And the cycle goes on until we break up and realize in our absence how much we really want to be together.
How much we miss each other.
... My eyelids are getting tired. Almost midnight. Still watching this episode of exes and wondering why some of these couples broke up in the first place when they seemed so perfect for one another. Real soul mates or twin flames. But without using the terminology.
I don't know. Think I'm going to bed soon here if I don't crash on the couch. It feels liberating not having Sadie around. A welcome relief, to be honest. So difficult fostering a dog on my own.
Stock market is doing well. I hope I can make it to 60k in my porfolio to come ahead a few thousand from where I first started in September. Those many months ago, and such a darkness to be endured since.
Aphria is rallying like crazy. My average is at a high 18.88 I believe. It's at 14.21 right now. Big 10% days each day of last week till now.
Something is up. I smell smoke.
Now I have to figure out where to cash out. I'll be damned if I'll be bagholding and biting my nails for the next few months wondering if the share prices are going to return to these levels again.
Got to be cautious. I'm still unemployed and I am unsure of what my future is going to look like.
Maybe it will be with Fola, maybe it won't.
Wish I could think of ways in which she makes me feel good about myself, or about us, and I can't cite too many examples.
And I'm too tired to really think of any.
Off I go.
Good night blog.
