So.. it has been a while since I last posted, or felt that way and I have a lot to talk about and share that has happened in my absence.
I feel strange for thinking this, but the thought that had me come to the blog was in my inner-dialogue that was taking place around this new dog I'm fostering.
I'm trying to get it to sleep in the crate without whining. It's a 3 month old puppy. Very pretty dog named Sadie.
And very needy as well. I can't go to the washroom and close the door for more than a few minutes before she starts to whine and paw at the door, making noises trying to get in.
It's ridiculous.
So tonight Fola is likely to come sleep over, which means I have to try and get this puppy sleeping in the crate for at least a few hours if I plan on sleeping upstairs on the bed.
Or I could let the puppy out and close the bedroom door instead. See if that would be any better.
But, I doubt it. That dog is really scared of being left alone.
She came from a family of 5 kids (under 6 years old) and 2 other dogs. So, I can imagine the racket and noise and constant activity and socialization going on as she lived there. She's not used to being inside of a quiet home, one in which I often go for hours without saying a word and not doing anything particularly interesting other than watching movies and mundane chores.
She doesn't much like playing with her toys, either. Doesn't care to go outside as much like Rosie did. Doesn't really play very much at all or effectively burns off energy.
Going back to what I first said about the epiphany that brought me here was this:
I was looking up how to crate train a puppy to see if I was doing the right things. I was. I knew not to respond quickly whenever the puppy got agitated. I knew to make her feel safe and secure if I planned to leave for more than a few minutes. I had this thought that I was doing absolutely the right and only thing I can do. To be patient and considerate of this animal's feelings and needs.
Then it struck me in a funny little way. The way I had been handling Sadie's training, is very much the same way I should be handling Fola's training.
It's such a hilariously strange thought. I should have the same mentality for Sadie as well as my girlfriend. They both needed to be trained in the same way.
They both need to feel safe and secure. Left alone for long periods at a time. Able to handle being alone and to know that there is no reason to be afraid of it.
And, yes... This was an important thought for me to have as I'm again having problems with Fola.
She's in this Shamanism course right now and for most of the weekend. Not sure exactly what she is doing there, but if past experience was anything to go by, I shouldn't expect her to be in the best of moods in the time leading up to this event.
She changes, somehow. Not even while at the course, but days earlier, like it has been with us this week.
She changes.... Becomes this... fearful girl, and unknowingly sparks confrontation and unpleasant feelings between us, which then riles me up and I get into my... shell, I suppose, my armor and not allow for her arrows to penetrate me.
That's quite an insight I must say.
Of course it helps that I am a bit stoned right now. Thoughts like these don't usually arrive over the course of a day being sober.
Sometimes it takes a while to really formulate a thought like this before it can be presented. There are steps leading to revelations. It doesn't magically and explosively just suddenly appear without warning.
It may look that way sometimes, but in my case, I see how having this dog was necessary for the thought to form itself. Without Sadie, I wouldn't be having this thought at all and would not have made the mental connection that is needed.
It's... strange... I'm reading a writer on Medium who truly believes mankind is on the path to extinction. Oddly enough, it's not exactly depressing material she delivers. Quite the opposite. She is an advocate for free speech and truth, and is working to expose the propaganda machine that we are collectively working under the spell of.
It's the lies we are told by the news, by governments, that have us go about our lives oblivious to the slavery that we are ostensibly a part of. Willingly or not. We are here to appease the banks. For our mortgage. For our line of credit. For our wanting to purchase a home or a place to live. And to find a well paying means of living in order to feed each of our desires by transacting with money, each step of the way. Money to survive, money to have fun and money to retire off of.
It's scary to think that is actually what's happening. And we allow for the lie to continue.
Or do we?
I think people are waking up more. We're more aware of the strings that are attached to each politician that is elected outside of the heartache and dreams of the poor and the rapidly-vanishing middle class.
We start to see the lies for ourselves. We begin to understand our ability to affect the impact that propaganda has upon us. We ignore the lies and look to find the truth. We all know that this is a corrupt system so therefore, it is our responsibility to do our part in correcting it in the ways of which we are capable of.
Every human being in our country, our nations and in all the cities and towns around the world; know that we have been lied towards, and that each of us has turned a blind eye and perpetuated the illusion that we have unconsciously and consciously accepted as real.
There is a veil over us. A veil that says it is okay to go to war, to fight and kill and murder and manipulate. We are told to believe that we must police other countries and nations in order that we should have peace.
We are told that vigilance is needed when confronted by the possibility of an invasion or an event of mass destruction like 9/11.
We're told that this is why our military budget needs to be so high. To prevent Oklahoma city bombings, the incident in Boston, the one in the nightclub in Florida involving a gay man.
And yet, these incidents all happen anyways. No matter how high are military budgets are.
Kim Jong Un has been threatening America with nukes for over a decade now. What good is our military budget if we are already able to sufficiently defend ourselves due to the technology we now have? Why deploy any troops for reasons other than national emergency, elsewhere?
Why do we have to police the world? To make sure everyone is under our thumb?
And to advance the agenda of one country in the entire world?
It's a sobering and scary thought that this is the spell in which we live under.
It's a delusion.
But, there is also that uncertainty. Maybe we are wrong. Maybe the world is really doing the best it can. Maybe our leaders and staff really do have our best interests at heart?
Maybe we are being lied to because the truth would be far too much to bear?
I don't know.
I do know that telling the truth is important. It is one of the few things that matter in life. When one lives deceitfully, trust is sabotaged in others and a well-lived life can only be happy when it mimics what a happy life should look like. It is a fake feeling to think that one can be deceitful in business and politics, and still be at peace within themselves.
I am sure that politics is a nightmare for the many that are involved in it. Perhaps the courage comes with either succumbing to the corruption, or truly having faith in the well-being of others and acting with responsibility towards them.
So... That was quite the ramble...
What else is there to update about?
Yeah.. stocks... I'm finally making back the loss of what I put into Trulieve. I believe it is at around $14.55 a share right now and my average is at 17, I think. Perhaps slightly higher.
Aphria, though... that stock gives me a heart attack. I'm down nearly 50% still on that one.
And the rest of the stocks I own.. well, except for SOL, doesn't have much to write home about. They're down too. I don't think there's any green on my portfolio other than a few bucks on CWEB in which I didn't have many shares of anyways.
And my mom continues to give me money that I feel... obligated to take each times she offers it. I remember the fights we used to have over my not wanting her money or her food. She is insistent that I take it no mater what.
Such a stubborn woman.
And... I love her. I OWE her. And... it troubles my soul not knowing how to do this for her.
To give her golden years a beauty that she deserves to have.
To not have to work anymore, and to live without debt. Able to enjoy vacations whenever and wherever she would like.
I really want my mom to have a retirement like that.
But, she hasn't saved anything for it. There is no RRSP worth living off of. She hasn't been paid a pension from work.
And... there's some concerns over another issue that I don't feel comfortable disclosing.
...
Quite a few... thoughts to consider...
And I think I've given them enough consideration over the months I've been unemployed. But, I could be wrong. Perhaps more is needed.
I am trying with seriousness to figure out what to do. In case I don't get back into insulating.
It's not pleasant to always come up with few if any ideas on what to do.
I live in blind fear of it each time another day passes with little to show for it.
Not doing a whole lot of writing, and even the writing I'm doing is not going to earn me money anytime soon.
And I don't really expect it to, either.
Fola thinks our destinies are entwined. That mental health and spirituality are the fields in which she and I will be playing a large role in.
I can kind of see that, but I don't really know what it should exactly look like. Like, my actual job.
Do I have to go back to school again?
Or... can I make a difference with what I have and know already?
Can I... do something altogether different than insulating?
Would I be equipped for that new kind of world? Another job where I am working for someone and having to please them?
...
I don't know if I like that kind of world.
And... what would the solution truly be? Starting my own business? But doing what?
What could I be good at enough to charge people money for?
Mentorship?
Teaching?
Blog entries?
Stories?
I don't know yet what the answer really is. I know a lot about things that don't seem to lend themselves well to a functional job or career.
I can't say that I am a fantastic writer. I try and be an honest one and aim for as much precision as I can give my writing. Putting as much emotional depth into them as I can, even if I occasionally get side-tracked and go on a tangent.
Like now, it feels.
Sighs. The dog is out of the crate, but as soon as she falls asleep near me again, I'm going to have to put her back in there. Continue the training. Continue being patient.
And I'll have to remember doing the same for Fola.
To be patient.
And rule with a gentle fist.
To live in service of truth, love, justice and beauty.
The only service worth finding peace in executing.
To serve others in the way that I best can.
In service of something much greater than myself.
For better or worse.
