I can't sleep.
I can't...
Fuck.
I can't be with her.
Not after what I saw tonight.
She texted me these nice things before I arrived, but when I got there, she was shut off and it was almost like I didn't exist.
"I am excited to see you"
And she wasn't.
Got in and not a few minutes go by before I felt completely abandoned and forgotten about.
Had to ask her for a drink of something. After over a half hour of being there, watching her daughter play at the dining room table because there was nothing else for me to do or say.
She was more interested in her friend Lenore than she was with me.
I hated it. Saw the body language. Noticed her sitting closer to Lenore while keeping a distance from me.
The odd time she turned around to look at me, she smiled as if she was enjoying my discomfort.
Didn't give any fucks about my being there.
Asked me if I wanted red or white wine when she knows that I don't drink white wine. It's like she doesn't even think about me anymore.
The worst part of the evening for me was her "joke" about giving some guy her number because he was a rich doctor or some such.
That's not my girlfriend.
That will not be my wife.
Didn't try and make me feel comfortable or loved or accepted or cared about.
Thought about.
Despite what she texted me with earlier. I don't think she's ever said anything to me in person like she did in those texts.
"You are my beloved and I am excited for you to meet my family"
Show up and she's ego-tripping on her own nonsense.
Too oblivious to be aware of herself. Or of me.
Her supposed beloved.
I watched when Ben came in through the door. Lenore gave him the hug that I would've liked from Fola.
Watched them at the dinner table and they were so affectionate that Sheila had to ask if they were newlyweds.
"No. We just really love each other."
Ben sat on the floor in front of Lenore and got a neck and shoulder massage.
Had ice cream fed to him. Had her stroking his hair and touching him.
Smiling at him.
And my girlfriend is practically cuddled up next to Lenore and hardly acknowledging that I exist.
Yes, she stroked my leg a few times but I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to. It was hours after I arrived. Felt like she was doing it because she knew she was neglecting me all this time and had an obligation to show some moderate level of affection towards me.
Felt so fucking fake.
I couldn't sleep tonight. Was laying in bed thinking about all this.
"Give him my number! ehhhh just kidding"
That's not my girlfriend.
I've never felt so alone at a public event before.
Never felt so unwanted.
And I shouldn't have to feel like that if the love of my life is with me.
But I did.
And... I feel like such a fool. Felt like I've been lied to and manipulated and connived against and toyed with and disrespected and...
Fuck.
FUCK.
All that talk was just that. Talk.
Lenore asked me when we are going on a trip.
Makes my blood boil. I hate thinking about us going on a trip. Wanted to go to Cuba a year ago. Wanted to go throughout the year.
Nothing. NOT A FUCKING THING.
I can't plan for it. We discussed this. It'll mean she has to book time off work and make arrangements for Ivy.
And fuck... another thing that makes my blood boil.
"I am going to Brazil!" she squawked. On more than a number of ocassions.
To see this John of God guy... and the Spiritist centres they have there.
Well, John of God was accused of sexual assault by over 300 women and the tour group she wanted to join is no longer associating themselves with him.
But she really wanted to go. And...
Fuck.
Thinking about how she told me when she gets her pension money we'll go.
That came and went.
Just.. fucking lies from her mouth.
And... I hate it when she lights up and brags about how she would be good at being a concubine or a whore whenever we watch some show where women are tempting men.
"I bet I'd be so good at that!"
Not my girlfriend.
Never will be my wife.
I saw part of the gift she gave me today. Just a pizza cutter. I don't need it. I already have one at home.
No... thought put into that. I feel stupid for the amount of effort I've put into gifts for her and her family.
I was..
This is too painful to write.
I don't even feel like completing the last of her gifts. The picture frames with photos of us inside.
She isn't going to appreciate them. Or if she does, she isn't going to reciprocate.
She isn't going to care enough to ever do the same.
I've failed. Maybe its my fault for not being attractive enough to her.
Not vulnerable enough. But I already know not to be vulnerable around her.
It never works out.
Just admitting weakness to the enemy.
I truly feel like this woman enjoys causing me pain on a level that she isn't aware of.
This... rollercoaster has got to stop.
I think my lesson here is clear. To stand up for my worth and to leave her behind for the unknown that awaits me.
Maybe I'll die alone.
Maybe I'll find the right one for me.
Maybe she will, also.
Maybe she won't.
I don't think she will change. She doesn't have the maturity I need from a partner. She is not... my equal or my twin. She doesn't reflect my values as a twin flame should.
She doesn't care about...
Fuck, it doesn't matter anymore what I write, does it?
Just endless complaining. Endless hurt.
Bright spots here and there when she decides to take us seriously.
That's the only time when things work out between us. When she fears losing me.
And... why the fuck does she want to be with me still?
I don't get it.
Well... I do get it, but I'm not giving her what she wants on a silver platter like she expects me to.
I want a girlfriend I feel rejuvenated by. Loved and cared by. Respected by.
Not one that fucking drains me and revels in the damage she causes that she can't ever hope to explain. And even when she does explain, it often doesn't make sense. And in the rare times when it does make sense, it rarely gets taken seriously enough to be mindful of for longer than a day or two.
Seems like I'll always have the same complaints about her.
She'll always be sending me thoughtless messages that she can't be bothered to proof read. Messages that sometimes make no sense whatsoever.
"hiya! White Spot"
Is one of them. Even if I knew what White Spot is (some restaurant I've never heard of), it wouldn't make sense to text "hiya! A&W" either.
No picture or anything. Just that. Blind ignorance.
No empathy.
Can't be bothered to explain because she is not able to place herself in my shoes and assume that I don't know what the hell she's talking about.
Even my stepdad yesterday left a comment on her "meditation" video.
His words were: "What the hell are you talking about?"
I don't feel loved by her and I can't respect her. She doesn't... care enough about me to want to earn any of it from me.
And that hurts.
But...
Fuck...
FUCK.
I can't let that get to me.
It seems that I'm only able to function around her and impress her by being non-chalant and aloof.
To keep my distance far enough so that she will always wonder what it is I'm actually thinking and feeling.
She doesn't deserve to know any of what I'm thinking and feeling.
Not when she...
Uses it against me.
It's like... I'm in this war... and I'm telling the other general what my plans are. What my troop numbers are. Where we plan to attack and defend.
Why the fuck am I so stupid?
I can't trust her. I don't think she can be trusted.
Her soon to be ex-husband will testify to that.
She broke her vows. Convinced him to sleep around because she is "sex positive" and doesn't believe in monogamy.
Who can trust someone like that?
This idiot, right here. Tried.
Thought that love could transform someone.
I don't know. Maybe some people just...
Are... unwilling to go that far.
At least for longer than a little while. Until they are back to the way they are. Where it's comfortable and not so strange. Familiarity.
I... really disliked her story about this girl she met at Remedy that she felt threatened by. She didn't like her hair and her voice and the conversation and... there was this moment in her telling all this where she stood up and pretended like she was yelling at the woman in question. This... angry... reaction to a complete stranger...
There is something really wrong with that woman.
I can't be with her.
And now.. I have to think about the future.
I can't go on pretending like this.
I can't be comfortable walking around eggshells with her.
And she shouldn't be comfortable doing the same with me, either.
One thing that tonight taught me was how much I appreciate my mother. Her warmth, her compassion, her humor and heart.
And I think of Georgina again, too. She was... the one girl that most resembled my mother.
Her spirit was... very similar... but somewhat... more refined. More pure.
And I fucked it up because I was too scared. Never met her kids after six months of dating. Kept making excuses not to talk to her on the phone because I didn't like the feeling of opening up and being vulnerable after such a long string of heartache.
I know that if I ... break up with Fola, I'm going to have to deal with this all again. I'm going to have to be .., I'll have to be... willing to love and trust. And to be courageous enough to walk away if I'm not attracted to someone instead of going along with someone who I don't want to be with.
Just because I suppose.. the fear of being alone gets to me. The fear of being unloved.
And... maybe this is what Fola and I have in common... except... when we are given what we want, it becomes easy to take it for granted. Once we have whatever we aspire towards, the shine fades off for no reason other than our own boredom.
I think of the stars in the sky and how beautiful they can look. I think of how few people look to admire them and if they do, it is for a brief instant and they are back to being ignorant.
Beautiful things are always beautiful. And worth preserving and protecting and being in gratitude of them.
Not... enjoyed for brief moments here and there with the rest of the time being complacent and ignorant of the treasure that is right in front of their eyes.
I feel like... there's some karma here... maybe I was a womanizer in a past life. Maybe I broke a lot of hearts myself and now these hearts are back to give me what it is that I deserve.
Vengeance for all that I have done.
And perhaps I've hurt Fola more than anyone.
I don't know.
I'm not sure what to do next, my blog. I don't know.
I can't go on pretending like this.
So close to love and yet so far.
Just... this pale approximation of it... this... creature that sometimes rises up to play a role that is against the very nature of who she is.
And.. maybe... that pain... is not something I am responsible for. In the present or the past.
Maybe... I heal these women by rejecting them. Or having them reject me.
In some weird way.
If ...
Sighs.
I don't feel like writing much more about all this.
But I had to let it out.
Can't keep this bottled up forever.
When I came home after the party, I sobbed for a minute while kneeling by the couch.
Couldn't handle this pain.
Had to release it.
I can't count on her for anything. It used to be sex, but that has changed because who knows what "mood" she is going to be in.
Can't count on her for anything.
She won't give support when I need it. Though she'll say she will and will do a horrendous job of it.
She won't... keep to her promises and show progress towards the fulfillment of them.
She isn't the sort that I can ...
Fuck man..
I've written enough.
Why... why would I want this woman to be the one who raises my child? To start a family with? To spend a long life into old age with?
I can't see it.
She talked about the acreage today around her mom. Just this "when we get our acreage..." comment, which was nice, but at the same time reminded me of her other promises.
The trip.
Moving in.
Promising to be more mindful of her text messages.
Promising to be more affectionate towards me in person.
Promising not to close off as much.
...
God....
Look at me type all this.
I...
Can hardly think of anything nice to say.
Other than that she touched my leg for a few minutes tonight.
How pathetic does that sound?
I suppose if the shoe was on the other foot, she wouldn't have many nice things to say about me tonight either.
Maybe she'll say that I was polite.
And that... I looked nice.
That's really it. And I can't say much positive about myself either.
I wasn't on top of my game. Felt like I was entering a boxing match and left the ring to be a spectator because my coach was busy getting beers for himself and mingling with everyone else in the crowd.
Rather than to stand by me.
To give me strength beyond the words he encouraged me with earlier. Before I arrived.
To be there when I need him.
...
And...
I can't ... will not be with her.
I suppose.. I have to start shifting away.
Maybe I just have to wait until she breaks up with me.
But that's what cowards do, isn't it?
Shouldn't I stand up for myself and say that I've had enough?
And MEAN it this time?
Not like the dozens of other times where I've been so quick to forgive but can't quite forget because she doesn't have much of an interest in making up for anything?
Will I always carry the memory of her abandoning me after I spent three weeks up north and booked a hotel for us that she turned down so she could go clubbing with her sister?
And then not come over afterwards to see me?
...
She's with me because she likes the way I can make her feel.
But... that comes at a price.
I know it's not unconditional love.. but I would be a fool to give that to someone I don't trust or feel loved by in return.
Perhaps... I can forgive her when I understand why things are the way they are with her.
But I don't.
I don't understand her.
The pattern always has been amazing highs and then something will happen to tear it all down to the bottom again. Go from great love to great loathing.
There doesn't seem to be any stability. I've told her enough times how important stability is to me.
But she doesn't strive towards that.
I'm not one that is worthy of being given what I want from her.
Not unless...
Fuck...
She manipulates me.
Toys with me.
Treats me like...
An accessory.
There's... so much pain between the both of us.
I... am not perfect. She knows this all too well how imperfect I can be.
And she also knows how perfect I can be.\
I suppose I know the same of her. That's probably why we've been together for almost 2 years now.
We both have seen the best and worst of each other.
And we are addicted to the best.
But...
There's... different priorities going on. What I value is not what she values.
Although we do have some overlaps.
Love and magic.
But... she's gotten both and have lost interest over time.
Until she creates drama enough for me to give a shit again.
And reignite our passions.
Same for her.
When she gives a shit, love and magic becomes common.
Although... it decreases in frequency and intensity.
Because...
I think we're giving less and less of a shit.
I am not going to give her what she wants if there's a good chance she is going to take it for granted.
And she has. Many times.
Doesn't matter how much I try or how well I do.
It's... transitory...
The great sex we've had of yesterday is often always forgotten about the next day.
Nothing lingers.
And...
I'm pretty tired of it.
There's no reason for me to put so much thought into things for her when she feels entitled towards my efforts without having earned the things I do.
I don't like how that makes me sound. Like I'm deliberately holding stuff back from her. Not wanting to fully open myself up and really let myself shine.
But... it's true. I don't like doing this... Not anymore.
Used to.
But not anymore.
Not when I feel like she uses all that against me.
In some fucked up unconscious way.
"Give my number to him! Just kidding!"
I wonder what else she says when I'm not around.
I still remember how she fucked up the last time we broke up and it took her a month to show up at my doorstep.
She thought she didn't have anything to apologize for. Just...
Pick up where we left off and forget that everything happened.
She doesn't even remember the reason for why we broke up. Just creates fiction in her head and then stops thinking about anything once we're back together.
Well.. that's not entirely true... I still remember that first week of us being together. It was amazing.
Felt like she really turned a corner.
Until she stopped trying.
And I knew it was all a deception.
Love and compassion and affection and empathy are not qualities that is bred within her.
Despite how often she claims otherwise.
I know her.
I know her well.
I may not fully understand, but I know her.
I should probably go to bed. I have another dinner party with my mom tomorrow night.
And her.
I hope this... dissipates.
Until at least after the party is done.
Then...
I'll have to... make time for myself and figure things out.
Need to...
Connect with that power again.
And be who I authentically am.
Again.
And not to let some woman take the piss out of me because she is amused by it.
Dangling the promise of love before me like a carrot.
And bringing it close enough before taking it away.
Again.
Again and again.
And again.
I've had enough.
I don't...
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.
Breaking up doesn't feel right.
And yet it does.
I am a fool.
And I...
I am someone special.
That I know.
But...
I don't want to guard myself any longer.
I don't want to be made confused and given false hopes.
I need to truly believe the value that I can bring into this world.
And...
Bring it.
Somehow.
Some way.
Soon.
And end this suffering once and for all.
Move on to the next chapter of my life.
With my head held high.
And looking back far enough only to remember not to repeat the mistakes I've made.
If I can manage to find courage to do so.
Perhaps I am the cowardly lion.
And she is the Wizard deceiving me.
Perhaps.
That may be how it truly is.
