Things have been getting clear for me lately. More stupid stuff has happened with Fola these past few days and... yeah, blog, looks like we're back together in spite of what I last said.
In spite of everything I've said on this blog.
Here's the clarity part.
She is confused. Lost. Prideful and selfish.
And her mission is to undermine my own.
I see it in the arguments that we have. In her actions. She'll say one thing and does another.
But at the same time, she does appear to genuinely try.
At times.
And there is progress.
But... progress towards what? And a few days ago she texted me saying that she felt like I was pulling her into some kind of game. A thought that occurred to me about her, earlier when we first met.
Funny how the game is only now being realized by her.
Not that I have been treating it that way. I'm only doing what I feel that I have to do.
My role in all this, I suppose, is to be her teacher.
And... Well... I've had some success with her, I must admit.
And plenty of failures.
These are not words I'd ever confess to her. But yes, she is confused and I'm supposed to help with that.
However, she is... she has her own agenda. And that is, to confuse me.
And she's doing very well at it.
In saying all this, I don't like to admit that I have some kind of special authority or expertise to be her teacher. But, I do know things that can be taught that she has yet to learn.
And she does learn these things. Sometimes she forgets them, but she sometimes remembers them too.
So... one step back, one step forward, I suppose.
What ties in nicely with this post is that I binge-watched Cobra Kai the day before and finished the series this morning. Fantastic show. And the real theme of it is:
"There are no bad students, only bad teachers."
And... it clicked for me.
It does make sense. My age. My experience. What I'm drawn towards and how I feel about certain things.
What my values are. My arguments. My way of thinking.
My so-called maturity.
My apparent strength.
Capacity for forgiveness.
Patience.
These things are.. what a teacher needs, I feel.
I have to exemplify them.
And also, to earn respect by who I am.
And that entails... becoming more of an inspiration to her, I think.
Otherwise, what kind of teacher would I be if I am failing to heed my own lessons?
And also.. If I am not a figure of admiration enough for my teachings to have credibility to be taken seriously.
That's the tough part. Having her do as I say and as I do.
I can't ever..
Hmm.. Can't expect her to rise above the level that I set for myself.
I know that's an arrogant statement, but I feel it's true.
There's a reason why she's still with me this whole time.
I'm hard of hearing. I can be annoying to deal with when I can't hear everything that is being said and my pride defends itself by pretending that I do.
I'm living a lie while trying to live the truth.
It's a... tough way of living.
Kind of like a sex addict who continues to have sex with multiple different women while preaching celibacy to others.
Kind of like that.
I want to be true to myself, but God has given me a disability. And my ego has developed a thick sense of pride and ignorance about it.
And at the same time, there is not much I can do about this problem. I don't have money for hearing aids and I fear what would happen if I wore them. My hearing could get even worse if certain sounds are amplified.
... I can't in good conscience be giving advice on spiritual matters when I am dealing with learning to implement that same advice into my own life.
That's hypocrisy.
Lying to myself and others.
And...
I hate it.
But...
This is the challenge I am dealing with. Multiple challenges...
Anyways... The point of all this is that I'm supposed to practice what I preach and that she is looking to me to teach her.
She has learned so much already...
And I fear that... maybe... there's not much left to offer.
I don't think our relationship is as good as it could be.
It certainly isn't as magical as it was at the beginning.
But it does have its moments.
And...
I have to persevere.
She can break up with me, but I don't think I can.
I've tried enough times.
Hasn't worked. I'm too forgiving.
Can't seem to hold a grudge very well. Although I do carry resentments that I remind myself about from time to time.
She really wants to practice magic. She really is seduced by darkness.
And pretends to serve God amongst all the confusion she's invited within herself.
I told her today that she couldn't serve two masters.
Her response was that there are no masters.
And yet...
Sighs...
She believes in ascended masters.
So... wtf.
Perhaps "experts" is a better substitute. And yet...
Shouldn't God be considered a master if He has created all this?
Doesn't "master" mean "someone of high or unmatched expertise" ?
I would qualify God as such.
Anyways... Things are a bit clearer.
I seem to be stumbling my way towards the truth.
Slowly but surely.
Eventually I'll get there.
And I hope I will be...
In good hands when I do.
