It's a perversion. A desecration of everything I've wanted in a relationship.
And I am now willing to acknowledge it.
Got this message in the morning from Fola. She asked what my plans were and if we could meet up later. Told her I was taking bottles back as part of my errands to which she says, "that doesn't sound exciting".
It's not supposed to sound exciting.
Then she mentions her plans, which is that Alyssa and Derek is coming over for dinner but she didn't know what time.
Okay... So...? That's it. Didn't suggest for us to meet anywhere.
She says it again. Alyssa and Derek are coming over at 6. Like she confirmed it a minute after sending me the other text.
So, is she inviting me over for dinner?
No. She wasn't. I asked and she said she would have to check if it's okay first.
...
And without saying it wasn't, she goes on to tell me how her mom and sister are being assholes.
I ask her why.
"I don't feel like talking about it."
I respond with, "ok" and wasn't going to ask why she even mentioned the dinner twice to me if I wasn't going to be invited. She won't tell me why her sister and her mom are being assholes.
So she left it all up to my imagination to figure out.
Wonderful.
Didn't... bother texting with anything else. Who is Derek? What is her mom and her sister saying?
Why is she...
Fuck, man...
Can't have a girlfriend that will tell me the honest truth. To stick up for me. To tell me that she's stuck up for me.
Won't give me any of those details. Just leaves it for me to figure out and accept.
Later she texts me about how she had a nap and is feeling better and that she is healing through something.
I tell her that I'm healing from something too. Described how I was...
Fucking hell, man...
Look at the way I'm typing right now.
I'm not in a good place in this relationship. Okay, her family doesn't accept me. Despite my wanting to connect with them. Despite the good will I've brought to the table with being polite and interested and open and caring about how I'm presenting myself.
Despite the gifts I'd gotten them.
Despite the obvious attempt on my part to reach out and...
It doesn't matter.
Why would her mom accept me? Why would her sister?
Thankfully, Ivy seems to like me.
I've decided to stop giving a fuck. Disappointment after disappointment and my girlfriend isn't making me feel any better. Doesn't know HOW to make me feel better. Doesn't say what I need to hear. Doesn't acknowledge what I may be going through in feeling all this.
All she said was "understandable..." to what I last wrote her. ONE WORD. And then goes on about her own things. How she sold a wedding dress and that she was upset because her family...
Man... it doesn't even matter.
She's selfish. Self-absorbed. Without empathy.
Without... warmth.
Intelligence. Awareness...
Just... entitled...
Oblivious...
Spoiled.
For no reason. And she...
Fuck... is this ever a weird movie I'm watching. "Sorry to Bother You" is the name of it. Right now there's this scene of some weird horse-man writhing on the floor.
Dark fucking movie. I see... parallels... I understand the metaphors and the caricatures.
Depressing as hell. Dark as fuck.
And so... so much a mirror... a highly exaggerated one, but a mirror of the way the world can appear.
And our individual search for happiness and meaning.
Equating it with money.
But having to trade off our identities. Our sense of self and integrity. To do so.
Feels like... The odds are against us. No matter how hard we try and stay true to ourselves.
The odds are against us.
And... more than ever we need faith. We need to...
Come together.
And take a stand.
Against all this bullshit...
Patreon and Jordan Peterson and Dave Rubin.. watched the video earlier of Rubin's Q&A regarding why he's leaving.
I believe in that.
I believe we should... stand in our truth.
If the world is shit, we should accept it.
But... not compromise how we feel about it.
And not... contributing to a further deterioration of it all by promoting negativity.
We keep that hate and pain to ourselves. Reserving it to share for those whom we feel trust in and loved by.
The ones that have our backs.
Got nothing else to say, blog. Just... Going to accept that this is how things are.
And... I can find peace in that somehow. Despite all that I am going through and am burdened with.
Despite it all.
I can lean onto my faith, or I can give into the darkness.
The choice is clear.
... This movie is pitiful...
"you're going to have a horse cock"
...says the CEO in the film to the main character. Offering him a hundred million dollars to give up his humanity.
I think.. the message of this film is clear.
We're slaves to money.
And we are at the point where it doesn't matter what we stand for if it means getting rich.
Fucking sad...
Fucking sad.
The movie is absurd and true all at once.
Just... I hope it has a happy ending of some kind but I doubt it will....
Now...
I'm out.
Going to...
Just be.
Just do my best to be myself.
It's all I can do.
