Tantra

Fuck, man.

She just left this morning.

I think it's ridiculous at this point. I see what she wants me to become.

A doormat. An eager dog.

And doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions.

That woman hurt me days ago, and now acts like we shouldn't ever talk about it again and that all is well.

No effort. No respect. And definitely no empathy.

That's been the real weakness of hers which has affected our relationship the most. A lack of empathy.

It's as simple as engaging with me when I'm excited about something and asking for details even if she isn't interested in them. But, she doesn't do that.

She'll say, "I'm excited to hear you tell me more about it later" and then later comes and it's not brought up.

Empathy is not texting me with words like, "hiya! White Spot" and nothing else.

Empathy is accounting for the possibility that I don't know what White Spot is.

Empathy is sharing the details. Imagining someone with a question in their head after a statement like that and saying what is needed to further clarify the statement without having to be prompted to do so.

Empathy is... going outside of yourself and imagining the other person's perspective. And then accounting for it whenever possible. Easing it. Showing compassion and interest.

I don't know man. I said before that there are no bad students, only bad teachers, and what I saw from her this morning made me sick.

She's a master at deflection. I can bring up great points about anything, and she will know how to not answer them.

Or to make excuses where she doesn't take responsibility.

And if a few days pass after her transgression, she will not keep that thought in mind. The thought of reparations and making things right.

Yesterday was an example of this. She texted me saying she wanted to do tantra tonight. First thought in my head was that she was coming home late from work and was likely going to go to bed early. We wouldn't have time for it.

I mention that and she says, "oh, we can put 5 minutes towards it."

Five minutes. She's willing to allocate 5 minutes towards connecting to each other more deeply.

But that's it.

Granted, last night she stayed up longer than expected, but she didn't make the most of that time together.

Wasn't particularly affectionate or loving.

But still wanted to "connect" and do tantra.

I think the part I disliked the most was sleeping with her. No physical contact and I feel weird about touching her now. I touched her a few times, no response. No reciprocity.

So.. why am I bothering to do so? I took initiative.

How many times should I be rejected before I stop trying. Or caring?

I think we're at this low point. She's funneled me down a specific way of behaving around her.

Can't really joke with her because she gets offended easily. Also, she doesn't seem to like them anyways. And she sure doesn't have any jokes or teasing of her own that aren't of the negative/cynical/sarcastic variety.

My heart sank yesterday when she suggested we watch a film called Lucifer Rising.

I'm pretty tired of her fascination with dark and evil things.

I also think that there's not much that is genuinely good about her as a human being.

That's a strong statement. I hate to say it. She has this superficial way of presenting a good side of herself but her actions and her interests and what she is attracted towards, speak otherwise.

She wants to... be involved with that dark shit.

She thinks its hot.

It turns her on. Not meaningful soul connections where we feel love pass between us. But connections where "energy" is most felt and lust is coursing through our bodies.

Ultimately, it is about how SHE feels and not how her partner feels, that matters most.

Last night I had sex with her and gave her an orgasm.

I didn't have one myself.

So. It wasn't... my motivation to have an orgasm. I wasn't being selfish because I could have came 6 or 7 times during the course of all that.

And...

I don't see her doing the same. Putting aside her own self-interests to focus on mine.

At her own expense.

There is something deeply wrong with that woman.

I wish I knew how to make it right.

I think we are in a war of ideologies. She doesn't believe in Lucifer or the devil or hell or evil.

I do.

The way I think and feel about things, is not the way she does.

That's fine. We're different people with different beliefs.

But on the important issues... We don't... can't see eye to eye.

I... can't say that I honestly feel loved by her. And the problem for me is that I don't know what she is truly feeling.

She claims to love me... but...

She doesn't show it in the way that any loving person would do.

I can tell my mother loves me. I've been in relationships where I felt loved.

I see couples in movies and in real life that show what love is supposed to look like.

And I don't see it with us. With her.

I see this... shell. This automation.

This selfish human being.

And... I hate writing this because it makes me feel like I could be the selfish one. The one that
nitpicks everything and makes unreasonable demands only for my own interests.

I have to admit that this is a troubling situation to be in. I should know when I feel loved. That's not unreasonable. She's hurt me a few days ago and then hand-waves it away the very next day.

And flips the script on me. Throwing a tantrum and guilting me for not coming over for dinner like she asked. Day after she...

This thing is falling apart.

This thing is a game.

And it looks like she's winning.

And I don't know what to do next.

I don't have any respect. And... I can't feel good about being around her because of it.

How do I earn respect?

If she told this to me "you have to earn my respect" I would understand that better than if she didn't.

Just like I told her how it's important to earn my trust. It's a process. That is something not given freely and instantly like she expects.

She really does not think about the damage she causes.

And I, like a fool, keep forgiving her.

Allowing her to get away with it. Allowing it to continue.

It's abuse.

And I'm permitting it.

How do I counter this? How can I make this better?

I would say to focus on myself, for starters. She shouldn't be the reason I exist in this world. To please her.

She's so full of excuses whenever I call her out on her stuff. I honestly was so impressed at her ingenuity for the way she navigated our argument this morning. Making me look like an insufferable critic.

She's brilliant at manipulation.

Absolutely brilliant.

My mistake is to afford her respect. To give her the chance to redeem herself.

Over and over.

And she doesn't seem to understand what it is that I need in order to feel good about being in this relationship.

There are so many small things that irritate me. The brief touch she gives me and pulls away at exactly the right moment. The fleeting kisses where nothing lingers enough to be meaningful. The... carelessness. The inability to understand the consequences of her actions until they become obvious enough and a problem that needs to be fixed.

She won't... doesn't... anticipate problems. She allows them to grow and fester until it reaches a point where she acknowledges their existence.

She doesn't promote harmony. Just drama.

Chaos. Not order.

Resentment and a lack of trust...

So what am I doing?

Why am I allowing this to go on?

Why is she?

Every argument we'll have in the future is going to be handled the way they are now. With excuses and deflections and ignorance and a lack of respect. No accountability. No progress. Just sweep it under the carpet and forget that it ever happens because tomorrow is a new day and the past is in the past.

Like I said. She's brilliant.

And I can see how she would be able to destroy me.

At the same time... I've suffered worse in the past. So this isn't as difficult to bear.

And yet... I should not have to bear it.

But I do.

Because... maybe, because I'm weak.

And stupidly naive.

There must be something I can do about this that doesn't involve leaving.

She is... such a difficult person.

There is no predictability there, either.

Who knows what she will come up with the next day or the day after that.

Used to get her gifts, but slowed down because it didn't seem like she appreciated them.

Or deserved them.

Her sister isn't all that much different. Gave her Christmas presents twice, and haven't received anything from her. Didn't get a thank you this year either. Although Fola said her mom and Sade and Ivy said thank you in her message, it might not even be true. And even if it was, it's not as good when the thank-yous come second-hand.

It's better to deliver thank-yous to the person that it is intended for. She has my number.

And I've seen the video Fola filmed of her opening my gifts. She didn't appreciate the thought and effort I put into it.

And she hasn't put any thought or effort into me.

So...

How do I fix all this?

Can I possibly ever repair such damaged people?

Why is that my responsibility?

Because I'm...

...Stupidly naive.

And I don't know anymore how to be around others. What makes them feel good in my mind is not what they seem to end up feeling.

What can I do about it?

Humor her. Not give a fuck. Keep my vulnerabilities and weaknesses to myself.

Let her imagination fill in the blanks and prompt action on her part.

If such a thing is even possible or likely.

...

More than a few times I've walked away from this mess.

And now... it seems like I'm chained to the wall.

Unwilling to leave.

And she has no fear of it by this point. I'm sure she doesn't.

Without that fear, she'll always disrespect me.

Typical....

Why are so many women like this?

They only care when you no longer do. When you have something to offer them and decide that they are unworthy of it.

Then they care.

I've only met a few people in my life who truly want the kind of relationship that I do.

And yet... fear clouded my ability to do so.

Fear that has been instilled in me over countless rejections and disappointments.

So many dates with superficial and careless women.

That when the one good person does come along, I have my armor up and bracing for an impact that never comes.

I end up going on the offense. Making sure to protect myself as best as I can. Mindful of the many wounds I've suffered in the past and unwilling to suffer further.

Georgina was one of those girls.

I was such an idiot while with her.

How long has it been since I last saw her?

And I still think of her. She's still listed as a beneficiary on my pension plan at the union hall.

She was a good person. But, she handled our breakup poorly. Through text.

That was...

I don't like thinking about it.

Makes me question if she really was a good woman after all.

I suppose that is my own fault for not showing my vulnerability enough.

My armor was convincing enough for her to end things that way. Thinking that I wouldn't be affected by that approach. Otherwise, she would've done it differently. With more care and compassion.

But... that is in the past. I've learned from it.

And applied those lessons onto the wrong girl.

Imagine if I had done for Georgina what I've done for Fola.

Met her kid. Had sacred sex. Show my vulnerabilities.

Opened up.

Things would have been a lot different.

But... that was then.

And this is now.

And I'm... truly lost...

And I truly feel like an idiot at times.

What am I waiting for? For her to cheat on me?

To leave me for someone else?

I think I am. Because then I can say that I've given this my best. I've never tried so hard to make something work like I have with this.

I also want her to make a hypocrite of herself. So that her promises of us going on a trip and moving in and living on an acreage were all what they were.

Lies.

Delusions.

And knowing her, these lies and delusions will be forgotten about.

Especially if she meets someone exceptional.

And then she'll justify it all away.

"Oh, that guy was so demanding and controlling and I can't believe I thought he was my twin flame."

And she'll move on with her life.

Not caring about what she may have done to me.

And to herself.

Until maybe...

She gets tired of the new guy too.

Or...

Something else. Maybe he leaves her.

And then she'll know the pain of heartbreak once she is alone.

And realize what she's thrown away.

What she's... allowed to wither...

Because of her pride. Her unwillingness to take responsibility and make the necessary changes.

I am thinking of the words Ralph Smart used when describing a "water" relationship. His explanation of the difference between a water relationship and a coca-cola relationship, is that one is taken for granted and is not good for the soul. While the other is a profound connection, but requires constant nurturing and investment.

We're so borderline on this...

I don't feel like I am ready to commit to her. Not after everything she's done.

My trust is broken. Hardly any faith left.

And she doesn't think she needs to do anything to restore it.

All she wants is whatever she wants at whatever time she feels it.

Tantra.

Give me tantra.

Fuck the pain that I caused you.

It no longer exists.

And I'm a bad person for saying that it does.

God help me.