It's not a good day when it starts with a phone call from the bank's collection department.
I had to ignore it. What else could I have done? I was sure that I made the payment that they are phoning me to ask for.
It's tough. The stock markets are horrible right now. My once 60k is worth less than half that and there is no turnaround in sight.
Was listening to a motivational video/speech and this one lady in it made me... made me feel that I am at or near rock bottom. And... she made me feel that it is up to me to make things right for myself. To realize my potential and to push myself forward.
But Lord, it is so hard sometimes.
I have tried. I did write a couple of books. I don't know what they are supposed to be and I wish I had the confidence in knowing that they can be great. That they are worth pursuing and developing and publishing and that they will help make me money and... point me towards a new direction in life.
Giving me my optimism back.
That is not to say I don't feel optimistic and that, I think, is a problem.
Willful ignorance can only last for so long.
All I could think of when I saw the collection's ID on my phone was...
It is what it is. And... I can't believe they called on Christmas Eve.
I still have gifts to wrap. I don't know if... I picked the right ones.
I still... have that ego in me which refuses to let go of pride and wanting to be accepted.
Wanting to be loved when I often don't feel that way at all.
I suppose I have no one to blame other than myself for not digging my feet into the ground and pushing forward.
I suppose... I can't blame anyone or anything for the life that I live. Other than myself.
Can't blame God, though I often do.
I have everything I need to become a success. Everything but... the willpower. The drive.
And perhaps, the idea that drives me.
I thought about making a website where I charge people to take lessons. Like, a Mystery School but an honest one. One that respects the intelligence and development of the individual and one that admits to skepticism and not having all of the answers.
An honest school.
And, I can't help but feel that it is... the blind leading the blind. My teaching others of a success for themselves that I myself have not yet realized.
And... I have to be better than this.
I must be. I... don't want to declare bankruptcy at some point. I don't want to be this aimless towards life and not having a goal or feeling like everything is meaningless and without purpose.
Or to accept that the purpose of this life is only to survive.
Everything else is a distraction.
I was reading Desire of All Ages a few days ago and randomly flipped to the chapter on temptation. E.G. White is an incredible writer. Her body of work and her passion is clearly evident. The commitment and faith that woman has...
Faith and commitment that I too, can and have had.
I am meeting Fola's mother tonight for the first time. At a party where I will be the only man there until one other fellow shows up about an hour after dinner starts.
Last night Fola and I spent the evening downstairs in my tent with the candles going. It was magical and... there was something to seeing the candlelight upon her hands and the gold rings and bracelet she was wearing.
It felt like... we've done this before. In a time long past. Within a desert. Sand around us and no one around for miles.
Just silence.
And... it was special.
I... feel like such a loser at times...
I don't want to go down any further than I already am before I push myself to move up.
And yet, this is... looking like the direction I am taking.
For years I have blinded by my ego and pride. Thinking myself to be special and unique and different than all the rest. Not... in this overly prideful way, but in a prideful way nonetheless.
For years I thought myself to have a gift that was waiting for the "right" moment to be given to the world and where all my dreams would come true, once this fated day appears.
But it hasn't. And perhaps... it is my responsibility to make this happen on its own...
Without reliance upon anything other than myself.
...
I write this words feeling... like I've written them many times before. Many times I have acknowledged my suffering and many times I... continue to go on as I am.
Without change. Although, I have tried.
But clearly I have not tried hard enough.
I've not committed myself enough.
Haven't found that strength I've needed. That inspiration which lasts. The vision to fully believe in.
And yet... for a reason unbeknownst to me, I feel... that these things are all there.
Alive...
Alive and...dormant... sleeping...
A part of me says to... weather this storm. It shall pass. And another part is telling me to do something about it.
But what?
One suspicion I have is that I must take responsibility for all this first. I must wake up each morning at a certain time with a certain objective in mind.
I must take it seriously.
If I am not working towards my dreams, than no one will do the work for me.
And they will never be realized until I first commit myself to them.
But, I have to believe in them first.
And for this, I blame God... or the forces outside of myself that seems the gatekeeper and the obstacle that stands before me.
I sometimes see it as... waiting for the muse that never comes.
Holding faith until it does.
I've... had an interesting past few days. Honestly, my life has been interesting in small and numerous ways.
There are synchronicities and conversations I've had with people that I've inexplicably met.
There does appear the hidden hand of God in much of these moments.
I have experienced magic in the past. I know for a fact that it exists. A FACT.
I have been in witness of it.
Again, I feel my path to be shaped by... something other than myself.
I only wonder as to... who it may be. And why.
What... Where am I going?
Who am I meant to become?
At my age, I should already know this.
I should be equipped and able to support a family and yet, I cannot support myself.
I have to admit that.
I am struggling.
I am... heavily in debt.
I am unsure of my girlfriend's love for me. Our... compatibility.
And yet... I... feel that I can trust her even when I can't.
For some strange paradoxical reason.
Deep down, I feel that I have the solution and know what is required.
And yet... courage, eludes me.
Perhaps... this is what I am to meditate towards.
Courage. Faith.
Thinking about God and Jesus and religion in general... As I was reading Desire of All Ages, it struck me how one must truly commit to the idea of expressing loyalty to the powers of Creation.
That seems to be the common thread throughout everything.
Believe. Truly believe and commit yourself to acting out It's will.
I hesitate to do so because I have committed in the past. And it did not work out for me.
Upon more than one occasion.
I admit that I am skeptical now. That I... have this balance going between skepticism and belief.
This agnostic way of being.
An uncertain confidence.
It is 9:15am and I really should get to wrapping up my gifts and preparing for the day ahead.
Though I believe in reincarnation, life happens only right now.
This is the only life that matters. The one that I live.
Despite what may await me on the other side. In spite of the knowing that I may likely return. To try again. To learn a different type of lesson.
Or perhaps,
To repeat the same one. Until I understand it and get it right.
Maybe...
Maybe this is the lesson.
To fight.
To change.
To believe.
To succeed.
To love.
To be true to myself.
And to aspire towards great things.
And realize them.
I have to go.
Each minute that passes was an opportunity.
And I must try and take advantage of all the time that I have.
This is the only life that matters.
May God be with me.
