Baphomet Awakens

Took a big step this morning as I looked at my phone.

Decided to blacklist her.

Its been enough of a gong show that I don't have much else I can do with that woman.

Here is what happened yesterday.

I woke up that afternoon was the word "piezoelectric" on my mind. I remembered fragments of a dream that I had, where I was teaching a little girl, possibly Ivy, how to bend spoons. I remember seeing her bend one and then showing her how I did it, which made it bend and curl even more. During all that, I could feel a type of static electricity shooting out from my fingers. Which made it all the more interesting that I woke up with that piezoelectric word in my mind, which means electricity generated under pressure.

Also in that dream, I had a sense that I had mastery over the world. Kind of like lucid dreaming. There was a moment where I was driving in a car and came across an extremely steep slope. There wasn't any way for the car to start going up at this impossible angle, but I remember looking at it and going "sticky wheels" and then the tires of the car stuck firmly to the surface as I drove up to the top.

Dream symbolism/interpretation tells me that I am coming to mastery. The desire or the realization of mastery, in some way shape or form.

After getting up, I went to Toys R Us to pick up this:

Ivy's birthday is in a few weeks, thought that would be a great gift for her. The box was heavy as heck to put into my car. Not looking forward to having to put that all together, but maybe it'll be simple enough.

So, from there, I stopped at Carl Jr's for food since I haven't tried them before. Fola was about to get off of work, so we agreed to meet at Hermitage Park. She said she would be there at 5:50, which would give us around 40 minutes before I would have to leave for work.

I get there at around 5:52 and noticed she wasn't around. Decided to sit on a bench and eat my food.

At 6:15 she arrives. Coming to my bench, giving me a weak hug and kiss and sitting down. Looking cold and distant.

"Are you tired? Stressed? How was your day?" I asked her, noticing something strangely detached about her.

"No, my day was good. Busy." She says.

And then tells me that she contacted an ex-boyfriend of hers. A guy named Steven, who she loved and was loved by for a number of years.

Why? Because he got this as a tattoo:

Baphomet. The devil. The occult symbol of ostensible evil, but means other things as well.

I was livid. It was bad enough that she contacted an ex again, its even worse that she's using this Baphomet thing as a reason she thinks I should be okay with.

This comes from last week, where we had a fight over her joining the Ordo Templi Orientis (OTO), an organization that basically encourages narcissism and selfish behavior, where rituals and spells are cast to summon demons and Gods like Baphomet for whatever reason or another.

Look at what part of the initiation ceremony involves:

The Ceremony of Minerval, in appearance trivial and formal, contains a doctrine of substantial occult significance. The Candidate before admission is bound by an obligation in which he recognizes Baphomet as the Supreme Authority.

And the form they have to fill out involves them pledging an oath to the order, where they remove the OTO from all liability involving broken bones, psychological trauma, sexually transmitted diseases and even death.

When I asked if she was joining, she said yes. Then she read my email about how I am ending the relationship if she does. Then she changed her mind.

She is ignorant. Can't even be bothered to read any of Crowley's books or to do a little research into the OTO before agreeing to join. Has no problem with swearing an oath, because as she told me yesterday, "I don't believe in contracts/oaths".

What a shitty individual. That's the woman I love? And want to be loved by? What the fuck is wrong with me? With her?

If she joins, she's basically joining a cult that reveres selfishness and teaches sex magic.

Signing that form would be like signing her soul away. They can do whatever the fuck they want with her.

And.. man... We got over that crisis last week, I thought, until she sent me a picture of this, a few days ago:

Oh, look! Crowley in the top left corner. Second one in.

Right next to the SRF guy. Fola told me she thought that was interesting, and I knew why.

That idiot girl has no mind of her own. She blindly follows "signs" that take her in what appears to be a dark direction.

I've given up on her. There's no hope in fixing stupid. She wants to be laying naked on some altar and fellating some guy during a ritual? Go ahead. I want no part of it. I won't be renouncing Jesus and God and supporting a cult whose founder thinks its okay to subject small children to all manner of sex acts and depravity. As his words say:

Moreover, the Beast 666 [Crowley] adviseth that all children shall be accustomed from infancy to witness every type of sexual act." Israel Regardie: "The Law is for All", Arizona 1975, 114

Wonderful. And this is the woman I am dating?

That's my soul mate? My twin flame, who is willing to swear an oath to the leader of a cult in which he advocates for pedophilia and corruption?

http://www.parareligion.ch/2009/secret/secrets.htm

That link is so interesting. Crowley was a mad man. He died broke and penniless and unloved and riddled with sexual diseases. Heck of a role model to look up to.

And Fola wants to join this shit.

Oh, and part of the initiation involves consuming semen.

Yeah... I don't want to be spending the rest of my life with someone who is willing to do and believe in all these things. Someone so utterly brainless. Inconsiderate, selfish and without empathy.

Do what she wilt, shall be the whole of the law.

Fuck her.

She can go back to being how she was when we met. Sleeping with multiple random people, getting STDs and following "signs" all the way to hell.

And fooling herself into thinking she wants to help people and become a great healer.

And develop her psychic powers.

Fucking idiot.

I've loved her, and she knows that. She's felt that.

She does not respect that.

So.

Fuck her.

We're done.

And I had to blacklist her, because I am so quick to forgive that I don't know what she will text me with next. And I don't think engaging with her is wise. She doesn't listen to me anyways. Won't listen to reason.

Won't follow the path of love.

That's her choice.

She's made her bed.

And now she must lay in it.

All hail Baphomet.

May God have mercy on her soul.

Should she want and deserve it.

Spaghetti, Drugs and a Pimp

Last night was strange. Showed up at work to see that the guy across from me (Jesse), made me a huge container of spaghetti. It was really good. Bit of a spice to it and a lot of cheese with red peppers and mushrooms among other morsels of goodness scattered throughout.

What was weird is that I don't really talk to the guy. He sits across from me and the day before we talked spaghetti because I brought in spaghetti from home. Told him about how I made it, and he started going, "I'm making spaghetti!" after the conversation.

So he gave me this big tub of it and I ate maybe half. Took the rest home.

Then, later in the day my co-worker Dave and I had a bit of one-on-one time to talk about stuff. He reveals to me why he was late showing up, and I was surprised to hear what unfolded that he didn't tell anyone else.

Basically, he's a pimp of this one girl who is a dominatrix. He gets 30% of her earnings, and she makes around $800 a day pissing on guys and doing various odd things. I didn't know what to make of it, other than to ask questions to see how it all came about. He knew her for a while and when she lost her job as a safety person, he suggested she become a dominatrix. Which she did.

And... Someone left me a bag of chocolates on the table when I got back for the last break. No one took credit for it.

I also have some people at work who enjoy talking to me even when I don't say very much. Sometimes I don't want to say anything, because I.. well, I have trouble hearing what is being said sometimes and I can't follow the conversation. My smiles and nods and mm hmms seem to be in all the right places and, it baffles me why certain people really take a liking to me when I appear aloof and distant. Not that I want to be, but because its the only way I can be. For now. Until my hearing gets corrected.

It's tough battling it through a long shift. Ten hours. Outside in the cold. Six days a week. On nights. But, I'm doing it. Yesterday didn't start off that well when Fola showed up. I forgot to keep the garage door unlocked and she was mad that she couldn't get in. Which didn't matter, because at 1pm I heard the garage door open and close and went downstairs to let her in. She came inside without a hug or a kiss and was wearing a scowl. Not a great start.

She then comes upstairs to lay with me in bed for a bit. She had two phone conversations at 1:30 and 2:30pm that she said she had to do. Which meant that we didn't have much time to be alone. So as I'm laying in bed with her, her phone vibrates and she starts texting/reading articles as I'm laying next to her.

I got pissed off. That limited amount of time we had, and she decides to play around on her phone?

I ended up pulling away from her and getting dressed to go out. Stopped at the bank to transfer money into my trading account. Went for coffee. Picked up her purse strap and came back home where she was still on the phone.

After packing up my lunch and listening to her talk, I went upstairs to lay in bed. She then comes up shortly after and we had a conversation. I told her that I didn't appreciate her texting in bed and taking our time together for granted. She was able to do all this stuff today and meet with people for lunch and spend time on the phone with two others, when she could have done it earlier, and choose to read articles on her phone while in bed with me.

Fuck, that.

And ignoring my text messages. That's another thing. Told her I didn't appreciate that also.

She... put me in this foul mood from the beginning. Didn't have an ounce of warmth in her. Didn't smile or kiss or hug and immediately distracted herself.

And then at the end, she got mad because I was upset with her for all of that. Claiming that I was being a hypocrite about not making the time between us meaningful. Apparently she thinks that I'm supposed to reverse my moods instantly after the way she dismissed me earlier and occupied herself.

I'm pretty tired of her. She doesn't contribute anything of value in my life. I want a good connection between us, but I can't be doing all the work. I wouldn't glare at her and scowl if I came over to her place and the door was locked. Fola thought I did it intentionally. Which is an absolutely stupid assumption to make. And it didn't matter, either, since I unlocked it within the first minute of her arrival.

Made some money off my APH stock which I bought this morning. 333 shares at 10 bucks and it went to 11.50 or so. Made around $500, which was nice.

Well. Not much time for me to continue with writing. I have to go get ready for work. Two more shifts to go and then my one day off. Not sure if I'm looking forward to being in a crystal bed for 40 minutes and then having to spend time with a chick that takes me for granted and makes me feel like shit.

But, oh well. That's how life is.

I have to focus on other things. Not her.

Fuck her.

She isn't going to change.

My mom called yesterday saying she saw this psychic who told her that Fola was a good person and that we were going to take a trip together, yada yada.

I really bit my tongue at hearing the "good" part. Gina was a good person. That's unmistakeable. Fola? ... She doesn't seem to have much empathy, compassion or love in her. That's what I've observed, and I'm not reaching very far to make that conclusion.

I deserve better. Maybe she'll change, but maybe she won't. So far it seems like she is unconsciously sabotaging our relationship. Ignoring questions/messages in my texts, not taking much of an interest in what I say or do. She is more interested in how I make her feel, than attempting to make me feel good so that I can be motivated to make her feel good. She doesn't seem to understand the value of reciprocity.

You don't show up and scowl at your partner and expect them to wait on you hand and foot and treat you like a princess.

You don't lay in bed with them and pull out a phone to read random articles while they are trying to be affectionate with you.

You don't schedule phone calls knowing that your partner only has a limited amount of time before they have to go to work.

You don't ignore their messages and concerns, unless you want to disrespect and make them feel small and unimportant.

Yeah. I don't like the way she makes me feel.

I deserve better.

I've given her so much. So often, that I was doubly insulted yesterday when she suggested I make an "example" of myself in whenever I want to change the mood of how things are. But all I could think was that I've been setting an example from nearly the day we met. I would always try and greet her with a smile, a kiss and a hug; and it still hasn't rubbed off on her.

Fuck that.

Tired, so tired.

I have to get ready for work.

Hope my night goes well.

Guide me... great spirit. Guide me.

In and Out of the Matrix

Interesting... Something was very different about today. It almost feels like I was directed towards certain information (on Reddit and the John Chang book I am reading) so as to be afforded certain insights, which then lead to a chain reaction of thoughts and ruminations that persists even now, hours after they began.

I was reading a post about the dangers of artificial intelligence on Reddit, and how our world may already be plagued by what was traditionally once called "demons" and false Gods (Pagan deities and others). It's a little too extensive for me to do justice inside of a blog post, but these are pieces that appear to fit my expanding awareness of the world and how it operates.

Yes, anyone in their right mind, anyone "normal" would laugh off some of what I have been thinking about. That we are besieged by a rogue intelligence that is determined to send the world into chaos, but I am finding evidence that seems to fit this possibility, and I can't easily dismiss it.

9/11 for example. Look at how the buildings fell. Free-fall into their own footprint. Hardly any debris from what was a huge skyscraper. How the steel beams were gathered and immediately shipped off to China shortly after. The pool of molten lava burning at the bottom for months. And this isn't even the full array of strange facts amassed from the incident. However, Reddit and Judy Wood suggest the idea of advanced weaponry being involved. Makes sense, because there wasn't a sign of a plane having crashed into the Pentagon, that's for sure.

And it goes deeper than that. The Oklahoma city bombing was fishy as well. The outside of the building was blown off, but the surrounding streets around the "van packed with explosives" was left relatively intact. No craters, no real damage in proximity to the building itself.

Regardless, I didn't care all that much about 9/11 or Sandy Hook or the Vegas shootings; I cared more about the implications of an AI tasked with wreaking havoc on the world. It makes much more sense when you pair it up with the idea that we may all be living in a simulation. So therefore, these demons and false gods and what have you, could conceivably be Agent Smiths in various forms.

And I am all too mindful of the parallels between my life and the Matrix movie. It's.. too much detail for me to want to write out, but it really does feel like I am close to having my moment where I suspend bullets in mid-air and awake to the Truth of how everything is. And the Truth is... feels well within my grasp. For some reason I cannot quite explain.

I think of moments in my life where it feels like I was blessed. Guided. And my actions did not appear to be coming from my human self, but rather from beyond. Either my higher self, or another form of intelligence that made itself known through me. Much like Christ did through Jesus. I think of these moments and I... don't want to sound arrogant or immodest, or ignorant, but it... feels like... I am being watched over. Guided towards a particular outcome even when it feels like my life is at a standstill and that there's not much hope for me to realize the dreams I aspire towards.

I think of Fola, also, and wonder what the purpose of us meeting was supposed to be. Why is she in my life? Why haven't I left her a long time ago and why is she still with me? And why she constantly drips-feed me affection.

For instance, she was about to go to work and leaned in for a kiss. I gave her a quick one and made to leave. She responded with, "what kind of a kiss was that?" and I told her that it was the exact kind of kiss she almost always gave me each time she left for work or was leaving. I had reached a point where I knew better than to expect a meaningful kiss from her in that situation, so I did what she did and she reacted in the way that I did. Wondering why I gave her this half-assed kiss when this is what she's been doing to me more times than I can count and have complained about. I've always wanted a deeper connection. Longer, more meaningful kisses than a simple peck on the cheek or lips like she usually does. She knows this. And when I mirror her actions back at her, she reacts the same way I do. Not really connecting the dots or being aware that this is exactly what she had been doing to me.

I think of how... unsuitable she is to be my wife. Or my partner. She is still going to get involved with Amway/Worldwide Group despite how strongly I've voiced my opposition. She is still going to be doing intuitive readings that doesn't make any sense ("Greece" "505" are two words she told me she "picked up". I keep telling her that I wouldn't feel comfortable charging anyone for my psychic "gifts" if I had them, and she doesn't seem to care. Nor does she care about how competent she is in doing it. She just wants to be "psychic" and become this great "healer" without caring about the quality of expertise she is offering. She doesn't care if her intuitive readings aren't making any sense, because they do make sense. On some weird subliminal level according to her.

She is still going to do whatever the fuck she wants regardless of my feelings about it. And she isn't willing to work together with me and explore the process of achieving what we both want, favouring instead to be blown about by the winds of chance and "signs" and all manner of drivel that she thinks is important to pay attention towards. This includes YouTube ads that promise to make people rich and able to work at home and earn passive income like it was the easiest thing in the world. Oh, and being easily persuaded by scammers and bottom-feeders without giving my opinions the same weight as these people. You know, the man she apparently loves and cares about.

This woman doesn't like animals. She does not share my values, such as the importance of family, of working to please each other rather than only ourselves. She doesn't pray, preferring instead to believe that the "universe" is going to give her whatever she wants without her having to earn or deserve it. Instead of forming a relationship with the divine, with God, she is holding her hands out for alms as if she was standing next to an ATM hoping that it will suddenly start spitting money out for her to collect. Without her having to do anything to make it happen except to simply "believe" that it will.

I think of how... irrational she is. I get that a lot of women say one thing and do another, or feel one emotion one moment and something completely different the next without any rhyme or reason; but Fola seems to take it to the next level. One day she is what I think is the perfect girlfriend, and the next she is withdrawn and saying, "what are you looking at?" in an accusatory tone when I watch her get out of her car so that I can greet her.

Her subtle actions speak volumes to me. She doesn't think interior design is important, which I strongly disagree with. It is important to have a home that makes you feel good. It's important to put up artwork and objects that elicit good feelings. Her house did not inspire any kind of mood. Walls were blank. Furniture wasn't chosen for decor, but for functionality, she didn't replace a burnt out lightbulb or desire to fix an extremely low-hanging light fixture that people would often bump into.

There is little thoughtfulness from her in that regard. I don't feel like she appreciates beauty or understands why being surrounded by beautiful objects can make one feel uplifted. She also said she would rather pay someone to decorate her home for her. Ridiculous. There's no sense of personal pride there. There's no character being reflected. Just an illusion being presented.

And converging back into the AI talk; I know how much of a conspiracy this sounds and how crazy it appears to be, but it seems like... Man, it makes sense to me. I can't.. Well.. I can explain it, but something is keeping me from spilling all the details. I just know that my girlfriend is... a test.

She is not an affectionate, giving, loving, generous, thoughtful, compassionate, appreciative human being. She's not.

But she can be good at pretending to be those things. Sometimes I even seen her genuinely express some of those qualities, rarely, but I have witnessed them.

So... she's not completely evil, but she's not completely good either.

She's something altogether different. I still am mindful of her sleeping around with multiple people when I first met her. Her opposition to monogamy. Her spending three hours at a guy's place that she didn't even know when I was sick at home and took a night off work. She didn't even tell me about that until the day after. With some irrational theory that she felt "drugged" by Cody when he offered her some water. Just poor judgement and decision making. Completely prioritizing the wrong things. And not even believing in "right" or "wrong" to begin with, which lets her off the hook in terms of doing whatever the hell she pleases.

No wonder she perks up whenever we talk about the possibility of a "hell" existing in the afterlife. She really wants to rationalize her not needing to be there. Strange but true. Again.. details, and I have to go to bed soon. Not much time or interest in laying that all out.

I feel like... this lack of writing on my blog lately is purposeful even if I don't understand why. I know that caution has to be exercised for some reason. It seems that when the time comes, it will make sense then. Again... I can't go into much detail because my mind is swimming through an ocean of evidence that needs to be fitted together properly and articulated well enough to get the theory across.

It doesn't matter. My thoughts are my own. I'm not hoping to convince anybody. I just know in my heart that some kind of game is being played and I may be an important part of the chessboard.

And that conspiracies fit into all of this.

The world is changing, as am I.

I can no longer afford petty distractions by a woman determined to keep my attention focused on her.

Rather than focusing on what I most need to be doing.

Rather than making me feel good and happy and motivated. She is most interested in me whenever I get upset with her. She gets turned on when I am angry and unloading on her.

That's very telling.

I think I've written enough for today. I am gathering evidence. Things are starting to point in a strange direction. My passion for spirituality, conspiracies and relationships; all seem to be converging into a unified theory of everything.

A theory, I must emphasize. Nothing more.

Yet.

Unhinged Spirit, Hinged Mind

(sighs) about 1 in the morning here on my day off and I can't sleep. Fola is, and she's right there in bed and I am having all kinds of thoughts about her.

For one, I don't like how she controls me. She controls me by disregarding the value of my opinions and my judgments. Claiming things like "family isn't nearly as important as self-worship" which isn't exactly what she said, but basically along the same lines.

And then there was this meeting she was supposed to have with some people from the OTO, which is an organization that deals in magic and rituals and all manner of philosophy inspired by and created by Aleister Crowley.

Fola is someone who when they see a door that is closed to them, they will say or do anything to get in.

I don't respect her for that. She has no morals. Doesn't believe in "right" or "wrong" and earlier today she got into talking about Amway again, saying that I should support her even if she fails. Which is something that I brought up, saying that if she isn't going to listen to me and do it anyways, perhaps the entire point of the experience is to fail. But will she learn from failure? Why devote so much of her time and energy to something that is almost guaranteed to fail unless she really puts her mind to it, and even then, its questionable.

God damn, man. I was laying next to bed with her and she was all like, "I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable and withdrawn and distant and closed-off, etc" and I'm "mm hmm"ing it all the way because I don't care enough to psychoanalyze her. Her claiming that she is "between sides" and has some kind of battle raging inside, and that morality is subjective and that...

Ugh. I... Don't know what to think about that woman. That girl, to be precise. She does not have a good head on her shoulders. Her moods flicker like a lightbulb about to die. Her ideas change. Her attitude changes. She says stuff that I find myself in great disagreement with, but I let slide, because trying to provoke further discussion or analysis results in a "I don't know" from her, and its frustrating.

Will she join with Amway? She doesn't know. But claims to have "signs" from the universe telling her to do it. And then she has signs from the "universe" telling her not to meet with some guy representing the OTO, but will likely meet him eventually anyways. And wants to.

Always this fucked up irrational way of thinking. Jumps onto one thing because "signs" but contradicts herself by jumping on other things when there are signs against them. Facts, or sychnroncities. It doesn't matter.

So she's guided by... something sinister, I can only say. At work I somehow ended up telling this lady about Fola and how she wants to be a psychic, card reader, etc and she responded with, "in my culture, these kind of people are demons".

I could only nod.. and shrug my shoulders apologetically, saying that she's my girlfriend and I have to put up with it.

Its my one and only day off and Fola shows up at East Indian Village looking cold and shut-off. Saying the words, "why are you looking at me?" like getting out of my car and waiting for her to meet me on the sidewalk is supposed to have something worth questioning about.

I was looking at her because she's my girlfriend. Asking her what she thought she was seeing as I looked at her, was answered pretty well with a "I don't know".

She's...

Broken.

I am kinda too.

But, I choose to be in this relationship, although my heart feels like its..

I don't know, man.

My mom asked me about why Fola gave her her business card. And why she wrote "lover of life" on there, and why she didn't use her last name and why she is an energy worker and I could tell she didn't know what to make of "manifestor" as written on Fola's card. Completely made up word. And I realized that my mom and Fola aren't going to develop a meaningful and respectful relationship together. More so, I realize that Fola doesn't deserve my mom to be in her life. She's not good enough to see eye to eye with her. Not the way Gina was. My mom loved and would have loved Gina so much if I hadn't been fearful of having my heart broken.

I don't know what I am feeling right now. Sad, but kind of a weary acceptance. I..

Hmm.

I have to be my own person.

Fola won't complete me unless she wants to. But what she is one day, is not guaranteed that she will be that way the next. A contradiction. A deceiver who says one thing and ends up doing another.

I watched this terrible movie with her tonight. Shape of Water. How the hell does a film that normalizes beastility ends up winning an Oscar? Corruption in Hollywood is all I could think. I know art is subjective, but all of the characters in that film were terrible and pathetic and politicized.

The main character who sleeps with a half-man, half-fish type and masturbates and later has sex with it is absolutely pathetic. Mute, too, so as to fulfill the role of being an "outcast".

This other black lady character has a husband who's a useless piece of shit that hinders her happiness, but she plugs on because "marriage requires deceit for it to survive" and projecting this despairing and hopeless message on a subliminal level. As if it was the most normal thing in the world.

The other guy with the two fingers. Fuck. Alpha male. Brutal patriarchal white-male who is cruel and selfish and doesn't have an ounce of compassion in his body. Nice bit of propaganda there.

I have to get up early and drop the car off.

Man.. negative stuff about Fola is coming in and I'm like, "this is one of those subtle wounds that will take a lot of time to explain and parse out, that its not worth mentioning."

Death by a thousand paper cuts. From the way she doesn't hug and says "why are you looking at me like that" to ignoring sex, then enjoying the orgasm I gave her, to going back to ignoring sex again without my having orgasmed.

She doesn't like animals. Doesn't think they should be treated as part of a family. Didn't care about the dog or cat she had. Said so herself. One of my questions was, "if Hitler and Zoey were drowning, and you could only save one, who would it be?" she skirted the question by taking it literal and asking how far apart they are, and how she doesn't make any judgement about Hitler, which then prompted my asking about how serial killers fit within this opinion of hers and she responds with indifference saying they'd be back on the streets anyways, etc. That woman has no sense of morality in her at all.

No respect.

No love in her body.

Except the kind that she takes from me. Which I gave freely.

Only for it to be scorned.

And accepted, whenever she's in the right "mood".

A ship at sea blowing around in circles, not really knowing how to navigate the waters.

I pity her. And I think she senses it.

And she...

Sighs.

I don't know.

As good as I can be with writing down my thoughts and emotions and providing a clear description of everything; everything is complicated in a simple way.

I can't see this woman being a consolation at my deathbed when I am older. If I manage to make it into that situation.

I can't see her listening to me or taking my concerns seriously without my needing to get angry about them. And even then, pays them temporary lip service until the next crisis is escalated. Usually from her negligence and carelessness.

And impulsivity. Amway. Volunteering. Meeting strange people in random places.

Thinking there are signs from the universe everything.

Such a woman of faith would be all well and good if I can believe that her heart is in the right place and that her head is screwed firmly onto her neck. But I don't believe these things. Not fully. Not always. Sometimes, and those moments are rare.

Very rare.

Like that one week in November.

I had a thought earlier that I saved to my phone. "To discover one's greatest enemy and to be fooled into thinking that they love you, is the greatest crime there is."

And yet, I keep questioning what love is really supposed to look like. Enough that my definition seems to make excuses for her behavior and actions and attitudes thinking that she will "get it" at some point or another.

And she sometimes does, until it fades.

Text messages where she ignores questions or fails to provide detail, sending stuff like "52 angel number" without further explanation or reason, is... bullshit...

Disrespectful.

Crazy.

And I kept thinking throughout the night that this woman I am with, is crazy. Seriously has mental issues. And I kept thinking that maybe it would be good for her to cheat on me or get with another guy. Let her actions justify my abandoning her. Freeing me from bondage. Setting my heart and vision back to proper alignment.

Reconnecting myself with God, or a higher power.

Really feeling the goodness that exists in the world.

Believing that there is guidance and hope and wisdom and strength available to all those who ask for it. Who call upon these greater forces and have their prayers answered. Their actions guided. Their hearts set upon the proper course.

I have experienced those moments enough time in my life to know that there does indeed exist an intelligence that is superior to my own, even if it actually is my own. It may be to honor one's authenticity as being the missing puzzle piece of the mystery. That perhaps I am the superior intelligence. The greater good. A type of co-creator or God.

Existing in an environment that I have selected.

Well, I select another one.

A better universe. One where these words are cherished, experienced and honored frequently.

These words are:

Love and happiness.
Wealth and prosperity.
Purpose and meaning.
Children and dogs.
Health and spirit.
Mind and God.

The 12 values that I hope to realize the fullness of. In this lifetime.

Somehow, someway.

And it sometimes feel that I am no better than Fola. That I am also this drifting ship on the sea.

But the difference is that I am stopping to read the map.

She is navigating by feel. By intuition.

An intuition that has proven itself wrong or in-correct more than enough times for me to reasonably assess the value of.

And anytime she is "wrong" she retorts asking if it feels good for me to be told that I was "right".

I thought about this and said, "no". I used to think this way, that I enjoyed being told that I was correct about something; but I am evolving to a place where it doesn't interest me as much anymore. If at all.

I want her to stop wasting her time. On Amway. On ritualistic magic. On angel numbers and intuitive readings and shamanism and NLP and hypnosis and whatever else catches her fancy. The OTO. Freemasons.

And I can't seem to guide her away from all that. If anything, I seem to encourage her even further.

That girl appears determined to learn hard lessons in life.

And I am powerless to prevent it.

She's known love. I've given it to her. She is aware of how beautiful the  other side can be.

But she has to want it. She has to prioritize it. She has to protect and preserve it.

Not just experience it from time to time. Whenever she is in the "mood".

I have little guidance for something like this.

We're supposed to be a team. Asking her what she thinks a "good" wife is, has her answering with basically non-comittial or thoughtful answers. Says that "being supportive" is about all a "good" wife is to be.

And to top this off, she has no sense of good or bad. A frequent claim, so this question is meaningless to her anyways.

Moral relativity.

Fuck you.

I told her in detail about what I expected from a "good" wife and it was reasonably well-thought out. She didn't respond further. Preferring to let my thoughts blow in the wind because she doesn't have the capacity or inclination to provide them with a response.

Fine. You don't have to. You can continue to ignore difficult questions and situations and watch yourself fall apart from the inside out. That ship at the sea. Struggling to find its way.

When the way is clearly to learn how to love. Herself and other people.

I don't feel that from her.

Her daughter is more of a curiosity. An unwanted responisibilty, than a joy to have around.

And she is sinister. Because when I point these things out, she alters her actions so I can't conclusively provide ongoing evidence that this is the way she truly thinks and feels.

I still remember her thinking that having Ivy for a weekend every two weeks, was enough. And now she... changed her mind and behavior about that.

She's a woman. Whatever.

But not a good one.

Not a loving one.

"Lover of life"

And my mom asking me what was that supposed to mean.

Sighs.

She's not a lover of life.

She's a lover of life energy. Which she procures from people. Negative or positive. Doesn't matter long as its intense.

Intense enough for her to feel something in that tired dark old soul of hers.

A soul that I feel to know very well. On some deep level.

And I suspect she would say the same of me.

But the rollercoaster of our relationship goes on, and we manage to constantly surprise and annoy and disgust and... love and respect one another.

Every day is different. Every day is something new with her.

Every day is a battle.

Like she has surmised.

A battle being waged from within.

Against each other.

It seems.

Fuck.

We're... both broken, I guess.

I have nothing further to say. Except that I want something else.

I choose a better place and situation.

And I do it with conscious intent.

Right now.

Tough Cookies

Well blog, here I am again. Prostrating myself at your altar.

Last day of work for the week. So, yes. I started a new job and I'm working ten hour shifts, six days in a row on nights. It's rough. It's cold. It's a little disheartening.

I say disheartening for a number of reasons. The people I work with are a mix of types, but the ones that make my heart sink are the old guys over 60 who are doing what I do. Last night I was listening in on a conversation between two of them in which they both discussed their physical problems. "My toes hurt, my knees are shot, my back..." etc. And at one point, I was asked "are you enjoying listening to us old fucks bitching about our problems?" It wasn't said maliciously or sarcastically since this is how they talk, but I instantly came up with a response:

"Yeah, I'm mentally preparing myself for when I get to be your age."

That got a laugh, with them saying that there is nothing to mentally prepare for.

These guys are tough. And all I could think was that I really don't want to end up like them. I have to figure a way out of this career I'm in. There was talk last night about how we eventually will go non-union and that so much has been taken away from us (pay cuts, shady accounting, docking time when brassing out seconds early, etc) and it really hit me that this isn't the life I've wanted for myself. Great money, but great money that comes at a terrible price.

And at a price that appears to be eroding in value as time marches on. As non-union workers become more in demand than union ones. Simply because they are cheaper and more readily available.

I was listening to a podcast a few minutes ago with Mitch Horowitz in which he discusses the idea of having a "definite chief aim" and how to go about doing it. The four observations he made were:

1) Be focused. Have a clear and narrow vision.
2) Persevere. Your purpose should be consuming and filled with passion. It should be all you desire.
3) Pray. It doesn't matter how, and you don't always need to make demands. But pray. Keep your connection to spirit alive.
4) Your chief aim should never violate personal ethics or contradict values held dear.

It's good advice. Unfortunately, I don't know what my clear and narrow vision should resemble. I was thinking about it last night as I browsed the Yellow Pages at work during a few hours of being at a standstill. I was looking at all the different businesses and seeing if I could visualize myself doing any of those. I couldn't. Nothing leapt out at me.

Except for counselling. I joked with my co-worker Marlon about how you probably could get away without needing a degree in counselling in order to become one. And I thought about how much I would enjoy guiding young people towards a bigger and brighter future for themselves. In the way that I never was guided.

I would like that, actually. And I did look into it, but the training is ridiculous. Two years mininum and a lot of money to complete.

Don't think I can pursue that idea.

I have to think of something for myself blog. My plan right now is to work and make money to put into the stock market. Specifically, ICC Labs, MPX, TGIF, ATE, possibly APH; and hope I can get myself a leg up enough to be able to afford a few things. Such as hearing aids and clearing up my line of credit.

Another thing that was talked about, was how 2019 is likely going to be ugly for work. There's not going to be much of it. So I have more reasons than ever to take this all very seriously.

Establish a passive form of income. I still want to finish my book. I need to. I suppose I should focus more in that direction while I am working. But with one day off a week, usually spent running errands and being with Fola; and then just a couple of hours each day; I don't know how this is going to be pulled off. If it can.

I'm sure it can. I just need to feel the "click" of an ah-ha moment. Or to welcome the grand entrance of the muse that will inspire me to finish off some of what I've written.

I really should edit and organize that channeled book I wrote. It's basically finished. Just needs to be cleaned up. No small feat given how much material is in it and how much of it is difficult to smooth out.

I keep making excuses. Like, this isn't going to work. My word processor program is non-existent, not enough time, etc.

But I have to think of something.

I will try. Going to cut down on my video gaming time and really make more of an effort to focus on the important stuff. I can work, make money and put it into the stock market. In the meantime, I need to invest in myself.

Somehow.

One more shift to go.

Sighs.

Life isn't all peach and fuzz.

Must keep moving.

Good Friday

Strange day that Good Friday I tell you.

There was an energy in the air. Fola had the idea early on in the day for her, Sade and Ivy to visit an acreage outside of town to drop off some sweat lodge blankets she had to clean (for her Shaman group).

She started off by texting me that she wants to get me more involved with her and her family. That she sees me as being a good dad, and that she is working on trusting me more.

I.. Didn't quite know what to say to that. We came from having a rather odd trip together in Canmore a few days earlier, and it didn't work out all that well given that I was upset at her for various reasons.

I keep thinking that this woman doesn't love me, and I seem to keep getting told that she does and today seemed like I could almost believe it.

First off, we were supposed to take my car but it was belching out these fumes from the vents so the inside smelled like coolant or something burning. Ended up having to bow out from that and take Sade's car instead.

Getting there, we arrived at the place and... man, it was beautiful. Two dogs welcomed us. A small one-eyed Pug and a giant Saint Bernard, both of whom were quite friendly and a treat to pet.

Not only were there two awesome dogs on the premises, but there were horses, chickens, a rabbit and... wait for it... Llamas, all of which we could go up towards and interact with,

The Llamas were fascinating to me. They were extremely curious and came right up to investigate us, staring into our eyes. I let out a tentative hand from which a couple of them came up to sniff.

And it seemed that they were nervous and gentle creatures. I liked them. If I had an acreage, I would seriously consider getting a pair.

The lady we met inside was extremely nice as well. There was this quiet shine about her, this comforting presence and...

It was such a nice experience.

I'm not sure what else to add here, other than that we went for Vietnamese food and Ivy hurt her head on the table, causing her to cry for a few minutes. But that passed quickly enough.

At home, we played around a bit with Ivy and Fola/Sade and I all watched Dazed & Confused which none of them have seen before.

Hmm. Fola and I sat on the couch together, stared into each other's eyes every so often and touched. It felt good.

And... I still can't help but think there was this odd energy in the air. Fola seemed to pick up on it and explained it as being "Good Friday" as the culprit, but I'm not so sure. Perhaps that is the case, but there's more to it than just a label.

There are reasons. None that I can quite understand or intellectualize at the moment, but reasons nonetheless.

Hmm... I'm sorry I haven't written much on you lately my blog. I don't know what that is. My motivation to write has certainly waned over the past long while and I don't think that is a good thing, but it seems to be a necessary thing at the moment. Again, I don't know why.

Perhaps there are more important things for me to focus on. Or maybe I am on the wrong track, but it doesn't quite feel that way either.

There is a God. There is a rhyme and reason for everything. There is goodness in this world. There is light. And there is darkness and all manner of those who succumb to it.

I keep thinking that in order for me to be spiritual and connected to God, I don't know if I can have it alongside my desire to own an acreage and to have money enough to realize financial freedom with. It seems like being materialistic and spiritual doesn't quite mesh well together, but perhaps I can make it work. I don't know how, but I'm sure there is a way.

It's been a beautiful day, and I don't feel like my ego needs to be stoked by any kind of witty observation or humor, which is why this post is somewhat dry and uninteresting. Again, I don't know why it has turned out like this, but it feels like a step in my personal evolution.

There are things that I am in battle against, and it feels like... I don't know if it feels like I'm winning, but it feels like its happening in the way it needs to. I like who I am, but I have to admit that the relationship I'm having with Fola is not at all what my heart wants from a girlfriend. But that might be the lesson I am in the process of learning. To shed off this preconceived notions in my head, of a woman reaching for my arm or my hand and being a woman rather than channeling her masculine side; it might mean that my acceptance of this could result in exactly the kind of relationship I would want. I don't know. The journey is still ongoing.

So... Thanks for everything God. It feels like you, the Creator, has taken something of an interest in me. I can't explain why, but I feel it. I feel like there is something or someone nearby that has concern for my well-being and happiness.

I don't know why.

But I am grateful regardless.

Well blog.

Till next time.

The Loops of Imagination

So blog, seems like I have a bit more than Fola to be talking about with this post.

Couple of days ago I was driving in the city when I decided to roll down my window. There were puddles on the road, but nothing on the stretch I was on.

As the window went down, a red truck drove by and splashed water across my windshield. Some of it went inside and hit me on the cheek. I was like, "wtf" and looked over to the vehicle on my left to see who it was.

The guy inside was smiling. Not at me, but looking ahead and oblivious to the splash he caused.

What's interesting about all that, was the license plate as I drove by.

YHWH2

YHWH2 = God as well, is how I interpreted it.

I was somewhat delighted and amused when that happened. Earlier, I had been thinking about the theory that we all exist in a simulated reality. That perhaps this is all VR and we are controlling our avatars at a distance. It seems so plausible to me. I feel like in the years I've been exposed to ST, its arguments for and against, pieces seem to be falling into my lap suggesting that it is more of a certainty than it is not.

Prior to being splashed, I had come across videos/a Reddit thread of the Mandela effect, which is the idea that reality changes, including the past and not everything is accounted for or exactly the way it once was.

There were pieces of "evidence" in the Mandela thread that I found interesting, even if I didn't know quite what to make of it. Such as the Ford logo having a "curl" for almost a hundred years, and yet, there has been instances when there is no curl in the logo. Could be a simple explanation, or it could be a shift in reality. Who the hell knows.

What I do know, is that something was sparked inside of me as I was reviewing these claims. I had the urge to write "New Universe" on my chalkboard and felt that I had the ability to bring forth a new universe into existence. Sounds a little silly, but as I study this stuff further, I feel that I am inching closer to the "truth".

For instance, I feel that simulation theory goes a long ways in explaining much of the weird stuff I've been fascinated with over the years. Philosophy, psychology, metaphysics and other odds and ends all seem to fit in with the idea that this world is not really "real" and that it is, in fact, an illusion as Buddhism and Hinduism claim it to be.

Bits of evidence such as "My kingdom is not of this world" as said by Christ, seems to prop up this theory. Sure, it can mean the divine "realm" or "heaven" in that particular context, but it could mean that those "realms" or "heavens" are more real than reality itself.

Yes, I am aware that I am typing on a keyboard and that each of my fingers feel the solid push of the buttons, but quantum physics prove that most everything is literally emptiness. Perception has a subjective aspect to it. I see a branch where others see a tree. Successful people see obstacles as challenges. Where one sees an unfortunate event take place, there are many different ways of looking at the same thing. Subjectivity and objectivity appears to be relative to perception and experience, etc.

There was a code found in 2012 that points to a search-engine algorithm as being a part of the cosmos. Kind of strange, but could be coincidental. That's the thing. When too many coincidences add up, perhaps it indicates that something needs to change about the way we see and interpret such phenomena,

We live in a mathematical universe. There are laws that have to be obeyed, and interestingly, not all of them have been discovered, but much of it has. I've been looking at a few other things that remind me of other material I've studied, such as the electric universe and the blinking universe, where apparently the universe winks itself out of existence and rebuilds itself once every 11 trillionith of a second, or something like that.

I have all these bits and pieces inside of me that seem to conveniently fit within the simulation theory model. For example, knowing that the thought to move an arm, can sometimes arrive after the arm is actually moved. Unusual because it begs the question as to where is this directive coming from, if not from our own bodies. They've measured this. It's valid to wonder about.

Then there is the placebo effect, where our own minds can affect healing. In WWII, a nurse ran out of morphine to give to soldiers and instead injected them with a saline-solution. These soldiers reported relief. Strange, huh? A non-medicinal substance was made medicinal.

That points to the idea that reality is more subjective than we give it credit for. If we can affect healing through belief, than theoretically, it could also mean that we can affect disorder/disease through belief as well.

If we have that type of power over our own health, it certainly means that there is an autonomy that exists within us independent of the environment. Which is very interesting, since it suggests that we aren't fully constrained by certain "laws", one of which is that medication/therapy isn't as efficacious as we may think them to be. Unless we allow it.

Because not all medication affects individuals consistently or has the desired effect, it makes me wonder. Biologically, a substance should have a repeatable effect whenever it is administered, but not everyone reacts the exact same way.

I am reminded of the first time I did shrooms with Fola. I didn't feel anything. But when I did it on my own, I certainly did. Same dose as well. Same shrooms. Assuming they all have the psychoactive effect more or less evenly distributed across each mushroom, its curious why I didn't feel anything the first time.

Anyways... that's the medical side. There are other strange things to ponder. Synchronicity. Coincidences. Deva-Ju. Ghosts. Aliens. I can bend them to match a simulation hypothesis.

Aliens? They're the engineers/maintainers of the simulation. Ghosts? They're bugs in the programming that haven't been fully accounted for.

Synchronicity? I'm still trying to grasp that one. I am mindful of the type I wrote a blog post wondering if "someone is watching" (over me) and then a day or two later I come across a bench with a note posted on it saying, "someone is watching you." which answered my question.

Guardian angels? Spirit guides? Higher self? ... Hmm. I haven't fully figured out those yet either. I feel like I'm close to understanding how everything fits together, but its being realized on an intuitive level. Rather than an intellectually-arrested one.

I imagine that there exists several layers of realities. Several dimensions. Like an optical disc with layers of data occupying the same space. They're just on a different frequencies than ours. Perhaps, also, we can interact between them. Think of drugs, also, that help enable one to access these "higher" realms.

The multiverse. Parallel universes. Theoretically, I am thinking that each time we wake, we wake up to a different universe. A universe where I am rich and successful, DOES exist out there, and perhaps when I keep my focus on that possibility playing itself out, I begin to create this exact universe the more I focus upon it.

Or perhaps, I am simply displacing the self I am now, in favor of the self that has already realized these things. Existing elsewhere.

I know that I am not making a convincing argument with any of all this. I'm just throwing ideas around and rambling. Trying to make some sense.

On an intuitive level, I feel that... we kind of our the Gods of our own making. I believe there does exist a "programmer" out there, who helped bring about all this. A creator. A God. Some being or intelligence that does actually want each of us to realize our Godly powers of creation, within an environment that allows us to express it.

NLP. Law of Attraction.

"What you think, you become." -Buddha

It feels like my hand is inside of a bag of which I can't see the contents of. I'm fishing around in there and recognizing the objects, but I'm also not entirely sure what they are. Not unless I remove them to examine and see, which I am not allowed to do.

It's like I "know" what I'm touching are wet strands of spaghetti, but until I pull them out from the bag, I can't be sure.

A simulation.

Hmm.

Knowing this should mean that there is a practical way of hacking it all. And so much self-help stuff all teach various techniques and ways of achieving just that.

There is overlap as well. Certain words and ideas really mean the same thing. Just with different terminology applied.

I wrote an article on Medium a few days ago about channeling. I compared it to creativity. To imagination. And perhaps, that may be all that it is. We embody certain patterns and "spirits" and create another type of "illusion" that we allow ourselves to express out into the world. Sometimes, we completely change our behavior and our actions reflect it. Bringing about the desired changes.

Neuroplasticity. Another weird thing. The brain is so malleable. Autopsies where it was found that certain individuals did not even have a brain at the point of death, and they were functioning well enough until then.

Consciousness. Awareness. The double-slit. The observation effect on changing from a particle to a wave.

All these things are adding up.

And I'm trying to put the pieces together.

If this really is a simulation, an aliens are engineers/maintainers of the illusion; then why have they allowed for the pyramids to exist? They are so improbable. We cannot replicate the great pyramid of Giza with modern-day equipment. How did our ancestors manage it?

Why and who was allowed to make one?

Were there truly giants back in the day? The Nephilim?

I realize how much of a crackpot I am sounding like, but there is something there. Something important that I do not fully understand.

Water crystals and rice that changes according to observation and intention.

Clearly our minds... our intentions and consciousness are more powerful than we give them credit for. They shape reality. They make things happen.

Why did someone leave a note that "someone is watching" in a place where I could find it, and in the period when I asked that question?

Did I create that? Or was I drawn towards it?

Is time really linear? Probably not. It feels almost like everything has been played out, and that the future can affect the present. What guided me to that note? What prompted an individual to write those words down and attach it to the bench?

Everything is connected.

Is there a super-consciousness? Akashic records? How is it that people learn things from other people, even if a continent divides them? Why are there pyramids all over the world? In the most unlikely of places?

Did we build them? Or did something else?

Do we really choose the experiences we wish to have? If I want to be rich and wealthy and living in an acreage with a dog, can I really use only my mind to make it happen? I don't have the educational qualifications to get a really high paying job. I don't know if I will win the lottery. I am not sure how it could come about for me to be a multi-millionaire.

But it is possible. It probably already has happened. Somewhere.

We live in a spiritual democracy. We vote for certain things and ways of being. Unconsciously, and these things manifest themselves it seems.

As above, so below.

But are we a collective, or do we each have our own worlds to become the master of?

Are we each Gods, or can there only be one God at a time?

Am I inside of a single-player video game?

Or is this an MMO?

If reality can be affected by the individual, if things shuffle themselves around to match the individuals wants and needs and desires; then it points to a single-player experience. We are our own Gods.

However, if this is a collective that allows for great personal liberty and creation; then we must cooperate. We must work together to become what we most desire.

This makes more sense to me, thinking that reality will only bend itself to my whims as long as I contribute something of value to it.

Even thinking, has value.

And sharing my thoughts.

Speaking my truth.

What is the end game, though? Mastery?

Perhaps we each come here with a specific purpose in mind.

Sometimes shitty things have to happen in order for us to elevate our consciousness to another level, so that we can allow for better things. So we can "learn" more about who we actually are.

Gods.

Creators.

Co-creators, obviously.

I think.

Life is strange, my blog.

Going to continue to puzzle this one out.

A Comfortable Insanity

What a fucking weird life I live. Maybe I should be more specific and say, what a weird girlfriend I have.

Weird, and insane. I'm 100% confident in making that assessment. Which is doubly hilarious (tragically) with the fact that she is a psychiatric nurse who is interested in becoming a "healer" using means such as Reiki, NLP and psychedelics.

Yesterday we had another fight. Surprise! But before I get into that, I should probably cover the period that occurred after she accused me of chatting with a girl on Friday.

Hm. Can't remember if I blogged about Saturday. I think I did, so I will skip over how that all went. Basically, I was proud of myself for not letting the distaste and anger of being accused of cheating impact the evening we were having. Well, at least until we left the venue and I shut myself off emotionally towards her.

So, Sunday.. Hm. She came over, amazing sex as usual. Had a bath. Fantastic day.

Monday she didn't come in the evening. Texting went well.

Now, Tuesday. Yesterday.

So, to preface all of this, I want to ensure that I make the point that Fola still has not "made up" or apologized in any sincere way since that incident on Friday night. I decided to let all that slide. As usual, because I already voiced my concerns about how I felt that if I was the one who accused her and demanded to unlock her phone; she likely would refuse and then possibly ask for a breakup. She would not have taken the approach I did, where I allowed her to see what was on there.

I feel that there are ... Well, its obvious that there are some serious problems with our relationship. So, with everything above said, lets move onto what the latest argument was about.

Yesterday, she took the day off work and I decided to tag along with her to her appointment with a psychologist. She's seeing this lady specifically for her work "trauma" of being sorta/kinda punched in the shoulder, and Fola admitted that she didn't need more than a session or two. So this was session #3 she has gone to, and I spent an hour waiting in the lobby for her to finish.

It didn't start off well, prior to our arrival. We were there an hour early, and I felt that we didn't need to be. We decided to walk around the area to see what was there (not much) and I made the comment to ask Fola to slow down a little bit because we had an hour to kill, and there was no reason for her to be walking briskly down the street. She got upset. "Oh, that really bugs me when someone tells me to slow down!"

I rolled my eyes. An hour to kill and you want to blast through the one store that was nearby we could check out? That's not effective time management in my mind. Sure, we can check it out in two minutes and be back where we started. Having 58 minutes left to kill.

Why not slow down and smell the roses a bit?

Anyways, back to the lobby. She finishes her appointment and we walk out. Her daughter Ivy calls and Fola then Facetimes with her for twenty minutes while I had a cigarette outside.

In the car, I asked her how the appointment went.

"Good." she says. Adding nothing further.

Now, this is her canned response to every question I ask about how anything went or is going. "How are you? How was the show? How was dinner? How was the movie? How is life? How is so and so?" 98.99% of the time, Fola will respond with "good" and little else.

So she said "good" again, and I felt that twinge inside of me. I spent an hour waiting for her and though I don't care to hear all the details of what they talked about, I was hoping for something more than just a "good".

A little summary would have been helpful. "We talked about my career. My life choices, etc. She was nice. (insert anecdote here/etc.)" something like that would've been better heard than "good", which is what I am so tired of hearing because there isn't anything being said or revealed.

Another thing that I didn't like is that there is obviously a trust issue between us. I feel it is a recurring theme in our relationship from early on up until now. As Friday had proven even further "I don't trust you!" I see this lack of trust bleeding into any question or subject that demands an amount of vulnerability being expressed by her. Anything personal or revealing about her character is often suppressed, avoided, dismissed, glossed over or kept to the barest minimum.

It bothers me because I feel that in the 14 months we've been together, we should be at a level where we can be comfortable talking with each other about anything. Including a psychologist appointment. If not the specifics, than the general gist of it. Instead, when I brought this up to her, she replies with "I don't NEED to tell you anything" which then made me say, "yes. You don't need to tell me anything. You don't need to tell me about your day. Your job. Your friends or family. You don't need to tell me anything. I get that."

I then remind her again about how I want my partner to be able to open up with me about anything "personal". And that I could do the same to her. No secrets. No walls. I'm not after being 100% an open-book, but I certainly expect much more than what I have been getting.

Trust. I keep telling Fola that she needs to trust me, and I keep wondering about what it is that I may have done to have prevented or hindered this from happening. Or why she is feeling this way, which she freely admits towards. Not just to me, but others as well.

I keep thinking that in order to gain trust, you have to earn it. You have to demonstrate being worthy of it. She thinks otherwise, and that trust should be automatically given. This is where our arguments are often rooted in. She expects me to be free and open and trusting, but her conception of what trust involves (vulnerability) is not in congruence with what she believes in. It has to go both ways. I was making the point that trust (to me) is situational, not general. For instance, I would not trust her with my life, but I could trust her to get groceries. I would not trust her to be lending money towards, but I can trust her with...

Here is the sad part, I can't trust her with much of anything. I can't trust that she will stay committed to me because she often doesn't indicate her willingness to commit. Occasionally I will get a crumb tossed my way, where she will say "our house", but I won't get a "you're the only man for me, why would I want anyone else?" kind of declaration.

Can't trust her to water my plants like she said she would. While I was gone. She skipped a visit. Although she told me that if I got more plants, she would be willing to take care of them. I thought I could take her at her word. Clearly, I cannot. This applies to so many other things. Including the trip to Cuba we were supposed to take weeks ago.

I'm tired, blog. But as the title says, this is a comfortable type of insanity... almost. Because although I am unhappy with her dedication to making our relationship loving and harmonious and reciprocal; I recognize that she is actually making me into a better man. Sounds contradictory, but I have been noticing that I've engaged less and less with her on a level of anger and disbelief and fear. I am soon at the point where I truly don't care what she does or says anymore. She'll say one thing one week, and say something different the next. Her moods will change and swing and her opinions and beliefs will do the same. Nothing wrong with that, except for the frequency and the fact that she is so stubborn and inflexible until she is proven wrong to have those beliefs. And even then, there is no guarantee she will examine herself and try to change anything about these false ideas.

Well... I really don't know what else to write here. It's ridiculous how much I have been talking about her already on my blog. 14 months with her. And... although I am not even covering or explaining every little issue I am having, or we are having, I don't feel the need to. I realize that I am dealing with someone irrational, who says that there is no such thing as "right or wrong" and that "everything happens for a reason" even if she makes these things happen, in a wrong way.

She has issues, and so do I, I suppose, but I feel like I am really doing my best to make this work. And for that, I cannot apologize for the way I've conducted myself. Was I right to be angry at her for falsely accusing me of cheating/talking to another girl and then demanding to look at my phone? Yes! Anyone would be right to be angry.

But, I am on this ride until the wheels fall off. She can break up with me and go her own way. Unless or until I find someone who shares my values and goals (by accident or chance); I'm staying. I will honor this relationship and this opportunity and I am grateful to her for all the good and the bad of what we've shared. She is helping me to become a better person, but in a very unorthodox and painful way. I suspect that I am doing the same for her.

And I am determined to exit this all with my head held high. Unless something particularly serious happens.

This way, I can honestly tell myself that I have done my best. That I truly could not have done anything more than what I already did. That there was no stone left unturned. I may not have done everything perfectly, but I have tried in the most perfect way possible.

I have tried. The failure isn't an indication of success. It is the trying that is successful.

And I can live with that.

I had a strange dream last night about her too. A beautiful young blond girl with strange eyes was involved. She offered for me to "fuck her in the ass" and she promised she wouldn't tell (Fola).

I was proud of my dream self for responding, "I can't do that. I won't cheat on her."

And this morning before she left for work, it was like last night never happened.

Sighs.

Fuck, man.

Trial by fire.

And I am calmly walking on the coals.

The Morning After

Last night, Five Alarm Funk.

Since My last 39,921,391 blog posts are about Fola, don't be surprised that this one is as well.

The day started off with restraint. She texted me in the morning, and I ignored both. Some text about wanting us to work things out and a "I love you" which while sounds great on paper and in theory, left a lot to be desired knowing how much empty rhetoric she liberally uses.

What does it mean to "work things out" with someone who threatened to end our relationship if I didn't unlock my phone for her to look at? How do you "work" that out? Okay, so she doesn't trust me she says, but why? Was it me? I've never cheated on her. Even when we broke up and I went out on dates, I still didn't kiss a girl.

Oh, wait. There was this other time we broke up and I did sleep with Andee. I guess that's not completely accurate. But we were broken up. What does it matter.

I am still a man that desires commitment. A rare breed I suppose. Well, at least stereotypically it kind of is presented that men have a hard time committing to a woman for life. Or being straight up monogamous and not looking sideways at all the options available to them.

So, I ignored her texts until later when I told her I was going to be there to pick her up at 830 like I promised. I was still unhappy about her. I was unimpressed by her attempt at reconcillation. She asked me what she could do to make me happy and I replied with, "you've known me for over a year now. I'm sure you can think of something."

And that is true. Why should I have to tell her, again, that I like seeing her make an effort? To put on lingerie and makeup and make me the center of attention once in a while? To bake me scones or bake me anything, or... Whatever, man. To just explain that she is sorry and to at least go into further detail with it so that we both understand where the fear is coming from and do our best not to come across a situation like that again where I am unfairly accused of "talking" with another girl.

She doesn't seem to get it. Logic eludes her. I was telling her in the car on the way over there that if she knows that I love her, then why the hell would I want anybody else? Yet she was still in this frenzy of "I trust my intuition!!" those two nights ago which prompted her to make these false accusations.

She really doesn't want to admit that her intuition steered her wrong. No surprise given that she is hoping to work as an "intuitive" that can magically diagnosis problems in people without having to logically give reasons for as to how the answers are arrived at.

That is dangerous thinking, in my opinion. To want to lazily diagnose the traumas and illnesses of people who are sick and in need and then not be held accountable, because intuition, etc. Or to not have to back up whatever her diagnosis is with anything that resembles a fact. Just a feeling.

So, it was dark between us as we went there. I told her that she needs to use common sense and employ reason once in awhile. To trust me, knowing that I love her and wouldn't want to hurt her. That is not a big leap to make. She knows that I love her. But I suppose she knows that I can hurt her too. That is the risk of trust. To knowingly allow yourself to become vulnerable because you believe the other person desires the best outcome for you.

And I do. I really do. But she doesn't think so, on some deep level that she can't explain. I really don't have much in the way of anything I can do to gain her trust.

The hypocrisy is what gets me most. She wants me to automatically trust her, but doesn't extend that same courtesy to me.

That is the absolute worst quality to me. Anyone who says one thing and does another. Who doesn't even try to keep their word. Just says words that make it look like progress is happening and good things are being said, but not backed up by action or behavior that reflects the content of whatever it is they say.

No integrity. Just false promises, expectations, delusional thinking.

Anyways, I did my best to keep it out of the way of our time tonight. Justin, Nicole, Seth, Margie, Mike and his wife were all there and I was determined not to put a sour face on and make the tension between Fola and I noticeable or an obstacle to us having fun that evening.

And it worked. It got to the point where Fola looked at me and said, "I know you can't stay mad at me for long" and I told her that I was still mad at her, and just because I was in a good mood does not excuse her for what she has done. That she still has to make up for it.

The night continued to go well. The band was amazing. Carter and the Cardinals, the opening band had this throwback 70s sound complete with porn-sounding synths and funky basslines. I loved it. They were local too.

But Five Alarm Funk was next level. 9 musicians on stage. Three percussionists, including a dude on bongo drums. Sax, trumpet. Guitar, bass. Incredible energy. Fantastic performance.

Spoke to Carter, the lead singer of the opening band after the show. He was pleasant and upbeat and excited to be there. I told him to enjoy every moment of what he was experiencing, because later in life he is going to look back on these days as the best he's ever had. He seemed to really appreciate these words among others.

Fola spent time touching me over the evening. Planted some light kisses on me too. I accepted all that. Touched her a few times too. Again, I was determined not to let our differences get in the way of a good time.

As everything ended and we headed home, I could feel the distance returning. We drove in silence for the most part, listening to 80s music. As I parked by her home, she leaned in for a kiss and I felt this... disassociation. This lack of interest well up inside of me. I was not in that mood. I didn't want to kiss her, or be kissed. She's done this to me a few times. I know that feeling well.

She tried for a second kiss, asking me "you don't want me to kiss you?" and ...

Yeah.

Back to feeling isolated from her.

I... love her, and I don't. I mean... Yes, I want a conditional relationship. A reciprocal one. I want one where she surprises me. Where she takes obvious time and effort to put my happiness ahead of hers, and especially ahead of being convenient, which is where the true test of selflessness comes from. Which can indicate commitment to the quality and well-being of our relationship.

I don't see enough of those demonstrations, if I can call it that. Moments where she does something without expecting anything in return and goes out of her way to make me feel good. I need more of those moments.

Because although she knows that I love her, and has often told me this "I know that you love me" with a smirk; I can't honestly say that I feel the same about her. I don't. I've been in relationships before. I know what the "extra mile" looks like when someone takes time and makes the effort to improve things.

I haven't seen Fola reach the levels that some of my ex-girlfriends have. If I fuck up on something, I go the distance. If I want to please my lady, I will go the distance. But when the ball is in her court, it's like she forgot how to dribble and it just rolls senselessly around on the ground. That's what I was seeing throughout most of our relationship. That's not to say she hasn't made any effort, but she hasn't made enough effort to convince me that I can truly feel and know that she loves me.

And that is important. And pathetic, because I am holding onto an idea. I am not content with fleeting kisses and weak hugs and... massages/touches that last for such a short brief period of time that it almost negates their worth.

I believe still, not to get hung up on all this and to move forward with my head held high. I can still be a man. I don't need to be placing my dreams into the hands of a woman and give her the power to destroy them. I don't trust or respect her enough to do that. And she doesn't think she needs to earn either of those things.

She wants to automatically be given them.

And for someone who argued with me about how there is no "right" or "wrong" and that "everything happens for a reason" and who was formerly into sleeping with multiple people; I think I am fair in my stance to not be putting up with her shit. To ask for more than what she is giving, because I need more. And I do not think she is giving me nearly enough.

Although she often likes to say that she does "many things for me", she isn't able to provide me with examples that have a convincing basis to them. Telling me about how often she comes over to my place, is not doing me a favor. Yes, I like spending time with her, but I also know that she comes over because she enjoys the way I make her feel. It's not like she's doing it because she doesn't enjoy it or because it feels like "work".

Our arguments are so banal sometimes.

Despite how cold and indifferent I was in the way it ended last night; I still agreed to go to her to this Spirit and Mind expo today. Which is in a few hours. Not sure how that is going to be, but I am going to try and keep my heart tucked firmly into my chest. Despite how easy it is for me to want to gush it out towards her and passionately kiss and touch her.

Because I feel she has not made up for anything. I want to see her try. I NEED to see her try.

Otherwise there is no point with us.

Well.

I still have a soul contract to oblige by. And so does she.

I have a feeling that I am supposed to be speaking the truth to her. That is what it feels my obligation is.

And hers? I don't know. Perhaps to listen. To learn. To try and grow and evolve and become a better version of herself.

To learn what love is, maybe.

Painful. But expedient.

And necessary.

Off I go.

A Nail to the Heart

Yeah last night was an eye-opener. Fola had invited me over for dinner, after changing her mind three times about where we'd go and what to eat and decided to make it at her place. It went well enough until she asked me to write her an article for her blog. And that we would work on it "together".

She hands me the laptop and goes on her phone. Sending emails and messages and listening to videos. So much for working on it together.

She wanted me to write about channelling, about how one can "channel" otherworldly entities and spirits and ascended masters and whatever other else is out there. She really wants to become a channeller.

Earlier that day we had a conversation about this subject. I explained to her what I thought channelling actually was, and reminded her of some of my personal experiences where I was able to channel stuff through my writing, etc, and what I have learned. She seemed to listen, but not really. I explained that everyone channels. A painter, a musician, a writer, a poet. Even politicians and actors channel from "outside" of themselves, a kind of quality that feels like a "tuning" into something greater than themselves. Or perhaps a tuning into something that is great within themselves. Inner or outer, who really knows, but I am leaning towards the inner. The imagination.

With this thought in mind, I told her what I learned. I felt that to become a channel, one has to learn to let go and surrender themselves. But not completely. It is the space between the self and the no-self that one must learn to occupy and keep themselves within balance of. I also told her that from what I learned and experienced, that channelling appears contingent and borrows terms/ideas heavily from one's resoviour of knowledge. Damn spell checker. It doesn't tell me how to correct that one word I can never spell properly...

Anyways. So, Fola wants to channel and thinks there are "techniques" out there that allows for it. This is what she wanted me to write the article about. How to channel. First off, I am offended of the idea that she wants easy and quick shortcuts and methods to something that I consider to be a kind of gift that has to be treated with great care and not taken for granted or used to exploit the gullibility of others. Which is what so many mediums and psychics often do.

I have tremendous respect for Edgar Cayce. I believe he was the real deal. But he did not set himself on the path to becoming a channeller by any conscious intention or technique. He simply surrendered himself to that particular purpose which was engraved deeply upon his soul. That was what he was intended to become, and he allowed it into being. He did not push for it. He was reluctant to charge money for the service, and he welcomed everyone regardless of their social status, to be eligible for one of his readings. Further, he imparted information that went beyond healing ailments, diseases and psychological traumas. He discussed Atlantis. Reincarnation. The nature of reality and subjects that at times contradicted his Christian faith of which he was a strong adherent of.

So to think that this woman I am with, wants to become a channeller so as to "heal" people (for money) and to asauge her ego and feelings of self-worth; is something that disgusts me on a deep level, to be honest. Had I been born with the gift of mediumship for example, I would be reluctant about charging for my services. I would be selective about who I would reveal these gifts towards. And I certainly would try my best not to allow pride to corrupt my soul with the power that such gifts bring. I also would be fearful that I may not be 100% accurate, and would not appreciate being treated with skepticism, or looked upon as a saviour figure or special kind of human being,

Anyways, so I'm sitting there looking up random articles and spent most of the evening learning about how famous channellers began to channel. Basically the origin story, to see if there are any techniques or themes common among them all. What I found among Fola's favourite channeller (Esther Hicks) is that she borrowed her teachings from Jane Roberts. There were no psychic abilities in her early childhood (like Cayce). I then looked into Carla who did the Law of One, and also discovered a similarity to Esther. Her "seven rays" theory seemed to correspond to Alice Bailey's teachings.

A copy of a copy of a copy.

I was getting a little annoyed towards the end, watching Fola distance herself from me by being on the phone. Messaging and emailing and not getting involved. She then announces she's sleepy and wants to go to bed. I shut the laptop down and make my way to the door, when suddenly she insists she looks at my phone.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because something is going on. I can feel it."

Turns out that Fola had the suspicion I was talking with some girl or was receiving messages from a girl and her "intuition" was sounding the alarm bells.

I was disgusted. Told her that there was no girl I was talking with and that she should trust me to take me at my word.

She said she did not trust me and then threatened to end the relationship if I didn't allow her to look at my phone.

I felt so disgusted by all this that I told her I didn't have time for this garbage and left. Sitting in my car, I get a call from her saying she was coming to see me. She enters, and again this conversation or rather interrogation picks up.

The feelings I had inside of me were surreal. All I could think was that this woman clearly doesn't trust me. No matter how much reassurance I've given her in the past, or even now, and in spite of all we have shared and all I have shared with her, my deepest thoughts and feelings; she still would not take me at my word.

A nail through the heart.

I realized that although I had nothing to hide, I had to play this stupid game of hers. I wanted to make this a learning opportunity. Since she was so prideful of her "intuition" that I would make sure she will remember how wrong it has steered her to the point where she would threaten to end our relationship if she didn't look at my phone.

She assured me that I would have the right to remind her of this moment "hundreds of times" if it turned out that she was wrong.

I made sure that she knew what she was saying, but she didn't seem to take the moment very seriously. She was way too eager to look at my phone than to listen to what I had to say.

Again, the disgust I felt for her was unreal. This isn't my idea of a healthy and loving relationship.

But I feel that this needed to be a learning experience. I had the opportunity of proving her intuition to be wrong, and that would bring some satisfaction and a moment I could point towards in the future if I had to. Which I don't want to, but in the hopes that she will remember this enough to re-consider future accusations made against me that spontaneously arise from some "gut feeling" of hers that has no rational basis enough to overcome trust enough for me that I feel she should be giving. Much in the same way she once asked me to magically just "trust" her, and not have to earn or prove that the trust is well-founded. Kind of like lending money and promising to pay it back. That's based on trust, and she fucked that with me already. Long ago.

Sighs. Man. I ain't even mad, bro. I am just disappointed in her.

So I showed her my phone and she went to the trouble of texting this missed call number I had on there. I didn't know who it was, and I didn't care. The person replied with "who dis?" and she still continued to go over my call log and texts to see if I was speaking with some chick,

I tell you blog, I am disappointed in this woman. She does not know how to love, how to apologize, how to make me feel appreciated and wanted and respected.

So why am I with her?

She often used to tell me that I didn't need reassurance or validation from her when I needed it. That it was up to me to look inward and figure that shit out for myself. It wasn't ever her problem that she spent three hours at a guy's place she hardly knows only to come to my place and fuck me afterwards. Think I wrote about that story on here. Happened in the summer.

When I expressed concern about the many guys she talks to, she replied with a laugh saying, "it's only going to get worse!" ostensibly because she will eventually make more contact with people in whatever she ends up doing with this "career" she's trying to build for herself as a spiritual or life coach or channeller or whatever the fuck, because she can't figure out clearly what it is she wants to become or do.

There is no hope for our relationship if she is going to be like this. Why make our relationship worse? Why not make it better? She is incredibly self-centered and focused on her own gratifications and desires and ego. She still doesn't "get" the importance of putting other people's self-interests first. She is not compassionate. She is not empathetic. She does not give a hoot about making up for past wrongs, to repay a debt she owes me, to put time and effort into making me feel good and putting me ahead of her own convenience and wants.

So why the fuck am I still with this woman? She's not even a woman. She's a little girl with daddy issues who has no idea what is going on and does not understand herself in the slightest. She has no emotional control. Is incapable of being persuaded by logic or reason.

Does not take me seriously, or my wants and concerns seriously.

So why the fuck am I with her?

Mm. I'm guessing because I have to learn something as well. I am learning how to become empowered. I'm not mad as I type all this, just disappointed, and that is a huge step for me. I'm not emotionally wrapped up in her drama now. I truly don't give a fuck, and a part of me is morbidly hoping she will do something drastic enough for me to go off on my merry way and not look back.

Another part of me is hopeful, as well. Regardless of what happens with her, I feel confident for some reason. I eel that there are good things awaiting me, even if they do not appear that way from where I am at the moment.


I must stay strong and let this water run off my back. I could break up with her, but I've a feeling there is something further that needs to be done. Either for her or my own benefit.

She was talking about ... yeah, I don't enjoy typing about every little detail. Some of what she says and does is so asinine that it makes my brain hurt just to think about it. How she often says, "I am going to X destination" rather than have me included along with her plans. She once suggested we both go to BC this summer to visit her family and do other stuff, but weeks or months later she switches it up to an "I" rather than "we", as if I am not intended to be a part of whatever it is that she wants to do.

"I am going to burning man. I am going to California. I am going to X,Y,Z"

Who gives a fuck. Selfish bitch.

There. I've said it.

Bitch.

Maybe I should accept that this is who she is and how I feel about her.

I don't like this. I do love her on a certain level that I can't articulate well enough to explain. There is something deep between us that transcends conventional explanation. I am talking as deep as soul-contracts and past-lives, etc. There is something here that has to be fulfilled. A contractual obligation of some kind.

And I feel that my job is to continue to hold my head high and expose her nonsense for what it is.

Or something.

I don't know.

Tonight we are going to see Five Alarm Funk. I've decided that I am going to have a good time and it won't be dependent on anything she does or says with me. I am going there to check out the place and to talk with Justin and his brother and ignore her if that is what I feel like doing.

Whatever. Time for me to be selfish. Throw this all back in her face the same way she threw it into mine.

Many, many times before.

And let her see herself for the hypocrite that she is. With her double-standards. Talking to all the guys she wants but getting upset at the mere *possibility* that I would be talking to a girl on my own.

Pathetic, really.

Not love.

She texted me this morning. Saying again, that she loves me and wants us to work through this. I haven't responded. The thought in my mind was to say, "Work how? You were willing to end our relationship last night if I didn't let you look at my phone."

And I didn't bother. I don't give a fuck if I leave her hanging. It's not worthy my time and energy to have that conversation if I don't want to.

The ball is in her court. She needs to earn or prove that she loves me instead of always talking about it but rarely showing it.

Last night I was driving home after all this, she sent me a text saying "I was was going to say I love you, but wasn't sure if that would be okay."

Read that text. How sad is that? Not sure if it would be okay to tell me that she loves me? I'm tired of this. I'm tired of hearing about how she wants to do X, but decided not to. She wants to do X for me, but changed her mind or didn't think it was "okay". So many instances of this. So many false promises and "want tos" instead of actual doing.

She's so lazy. Lazy as fuck. Prima donna. Queen bee. Fuck that noise.

I am a king and I deserve to be treated like one. Even if I sometimes appear to be asleep at the wheel, she knows full well the lion that emerges when I am prodded the wrong way.

And she derives satisfaction from it. As I wrote in an earlier post about how the last fight we had, had her texting me with "I want to fuck you right now".

Guess what? You're not going to be getting the satisfaction of my anger this time, Fola.

I am going to honor my intuition on this one.

And it's a hell of a lot more reliable and functional than yours is.

Maybe that's the truth you find yourself annoyed by. That I have more "abilities" than you do. That I am more suited to the type of career/occupation that you are pursuing for yourself. That I care more about people than you do. That I am compassionate, thoughtful and willing to compromise and put my best foot forward. To make effort. To be diplomatic.

Sure, I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be.

Yet, I've accepted it.

She has not.

And therein is the problem

She is deluding herself into a fantasy that will never be realized. She will not become a channeller. She will not become a famous healer or counsellor or a being of any merit if she cannot first understand who she is. If she cannot move herself into the light. Lacking in self-awareness enough to acknowledge her imperfections and work towards overcoming them.

All she wants is money, prestige and to be looked upon with respect and admiration.

Not going to happen if she isn't willing to collaborate with me. To defer to my guidance. To place trust into some of the things that I point out for her. Such as how "surrender" has always lead to positive interactions between us. Next-level experiences, through sex or conversation or whatnot, all happens when we can set egos aside and she trusts my decision-making process. Allowing me to guide her towards a benevolent outcome. Which is all I truly want for the both of us.

She has to trust me in order for that to happen.

And she said last night she doesn't trust me.

Okay.

Guess this is a problem now.

It's up to her to solve it.

I'm just going to carry on my merry way.

And do what I feel is right.

Had a dream about her last night. Had the sense that she was whoring herself out to people. Not going to bother listing out the details of all this, other than to feel this sense of betrayal and distrust. Not the first time I've had a time like this about her. Where she cheats on me, and justifies it somehow.

Well.

Life goes on.

The journey continues.

Mandela effect.