What a fucking weird life I live. Maybe I should be more specific and say, what a weird girlfriend I have.
Weird, and insane. I'm 100% confident in making that assessment. Which is doubly hilarious (tragically) with the fact that she is a psychiatric nurse who is interested in becoming a "healer" using means such as Reiki, NLP and psychedelics.
Yesterday we had another fight. Surprise! But before I get into that, I should probably cover the period that occurred after she accused me of chatting with a girl on Friday.
Hm. Can't remember if I blogged about Saturday. I think I did, so I will skip over how that all went. Basically, I was proud of myself for not letting the distaste and anger of being accused of cheating impact the evening we were having. Well, at least until we left the venue and I shut myself off emotionally towards her.
So, Sunday.. Hm. She came over, amazing sex as usual. Had a bath. Fantastic day.
Monday she didn't come in the evening. Texting went well.
Now, Tuesday. Yesterday.
So, to preface all of this, I want to ensure that I make the point that Fola still has not "made up" or apologized in any sincere way since that incident on Friday night. I decided to let all that slide. As usual, because I already voiced my concerns about how I felt that if I was the one who accused her and demanded to unlock her phone; she likely would refuse and then possibly ask for a breakup. She would not have taken the approach I did, where I allowed her to see what was on there.
I feel that there are ... Well, its obvious that there are some serious problems with our relationship. So, with everything above said, lets move onto what the latest argument was about.
Yesterday, she took the day off work and I decided to tag along with her to her appointment with a psychologist. She's seeing this lady specifically for her work "trauma" of being sorta/kinda punched in the shoulder, and Fola admitted that she didn't need more than a session or two. So this was session #3 she has gone to, and I spent an hour waiting in the lobby for her to finish.
It didn't start off well, prior to our arrival. We were there an hour early, and I felt that we didn't need to be. We decided to walk around the area to see what was there (not much) and I made the comment to ask Fola to slow down a little bit because we had an hour to kill, and there was no reason for her to be walking briskly down the street. She got upset. "Oh, that really bugs me when someone tells me to slow down!"
I rolled my eyes. An hour to kill and you want to blast through the one store that was nearby we could check out? That's not effective time management in my mind. Sure, we can check it out in two minutes and be back where we started. Having 58 minutes left to kill.
Why not slow down and smell the roses a bit?
Anyways, back to the lobby. She finishes her appointment and we walk out. Her daughter Ivy calls and Fola then Facetimes with her for twenty minutes while I had a cigarette outside.
In the car, I asked her how the appointment went.
"Good." she says. Adding nothing further.
Now, this is her canned response to every question I ask about how anything went or is going. "How are you? How was the show? How was dinner? How was the movie? How is life? How is so and so?" 98.99% of the time, Fola will respond with "good" and little else.
So she said "good" again, and I felt that twinge inside of me. I spent an hour waiting for her and though I don't care to hear all the details of what they talked about, I was hoping for something more than just a "good".
A little summary would have been helpful. "We talked about my career. My life choices, etc. She was nice. (insert anecdote here/etc.)" something like that would've been better heard than "good", which is what I am so tired of hearing because there isn't anything being said or revealed.
Another thing that I didn't like is that there is obviously a trust issue between us. I feel it is a recurring theme in our relationship from early on up until now. As Friday had proven even further "I don't trust you!" I see this lack of trust bleeding into any question or subject that demands an amount of vulnerability being expressed by her. Anything personal or revealing about her character is often suppressed, avoided, dismissed, glossed over or kept to the barest minimum.
It bothers me because I feel that in the 14 months we've been together, we should be at a level where we can be comfortable talking with each other about anything. Including a psychologist appointment. If not the specifics, than the general gist of it. Instead, when I brought this up to her, she replies with "I don't NEED to tell you anything" which then made me say, "yes. You don't need to tell me anything. You don't need to tell me about your day. Your job. Your friends or family. You don't need to tell me anything. I get that."
I then remind her again about how I want my partner to be able to open up with me about anything "personal". And that I could do the same to her. No secrets. No walls. I'm not after being 100% an open-book, but I certainly expect much more than what I have been getting.
Trust. I keep telling Fola that she needs to trust me, and I keep wondering about what it is that I may have done to have prevented or hindered this from happening. Or why she is feeling this way, which she freely admits towards. Not just to me, but others as well.
I keep thinking that in order to gain trust, you have to earn it. You have to demonstrate being worthy of it. She thinks otherwise, and that trust should be automatically given. This is where our arguments are often rooted in. She expects me to be free and open and trusting, but her conception of what trust involves (vulnerability) is not in congruence with what she believes in. It has to go both ways. I was making the point that trust (to me) is situational, not general. For instance, I would not trust her with my life, but I could trust her to get groceries. I would not trust her to be lending money towards, but I can trust her with...
Here is the sad part, I can't trust her with much of anything. I can't trust that she will stay committed to me because she often doesn't indicate her willingness to commit. Occasionally I will get a crumb tossed my way, where she will say "our house", but I won't get a "you're the only man for me, why would I want anyone else?" kind of declaration.
Can't trust her to water my plants like she said she would. While I was gone. She skipped a visit. Although she told me that if I got more plants, she would be willing to take care of them. I thought I could take her at her word. Clearly, I cannot. This applies to so many other things. Including the trip to Cuba we were supposed to take weeks ago.
I'm tired, blog. But as the title says, this is a comfortable type of insanity... almost. Because although I am unhappy with her dedication to making our relationship loving and harmonious and reciprocal; I recognize that she is actually making me into a better man. Sounds contradictory, but I have been noticing that I've engaged less and less with her on a level of anger and disbelief and fear. I am soon at the point where I truly don't care what she does or says anymore. She'll say one thing one week, and say something different the next. Her moods will change and swing and her opinions and beliefs will do the same. Nothing wrong with that, except for the frequency and the fact that she is so stubborn and inflexible until she is proven wrong to have those beliefs. And even then, there is no guarantee she will examine herself and try to change anything about these false ideas.
Well... I really don't know what else to write here. It's ridiculous how much I have been talking about her already on my blog. 14 months with her. And... although I am not even covering or explaining every little issue I am having, or we are having, I don't feel the need to. I realize that I am dealing with someone irrational, who says that there is no such thing as "right or wrong" and that "everything happens for a reason" even if she makes these things happen, in a wrong way.
She has issues, and so do I, I suppose, but I feel like I am really doing my best to make this work. And for that, I cannot apologize for the way I've conducted myself. Was I right to be angry at her for falsely accusing me of cheating/talking to another girl and then demanding to look at my phone? Yes! Anyone would be right to be angry.
But, I am on this ride until the wheels fall off. She can break up with me and go her own way. Unless or until I find someone who shares my values and goals (by accident or chance); I'm staying. I will honor this relationship and this opportunity and I am grateful to her for all the good and the bad of what we've shared. She is helping me to become a better person, but in a very unorthodox and painful way. I suspect that I am doing the same for her.
And I am determined to exit this all with my head held high. Unless something particularly serious happens.
This way, I can honestly tell myself that I have done my best. That I truly could not have done anything more than what I already did. That there was no stone left unturned. I may not have done everything perfectly, but I have tried in the most perfect way possible.
I have tried. The failure isn't an indication of success. It is the trying that is successful.
And I can live with that.
I had a strange dream last night about her too. A beautiful young blond girl with strange eyes was involved. She offered for me to "fuck her in the ass" and she promised she wouldn't tell (Fola).
I was proud of my dream self for responding, "I can't do that. I won't cheat on her."
And this morning before she left for work, it was like last night never happened.
Sighs.
Fuck, man.
Trial by fire.
And I am calmly walking on the coals.
