Last night, Five Alarm Funk.
Since My last 39,921,391 blog posts are about Fola, don't be surprised that this one is as well.
The day started off with restraint. She texted me in the morning, and I ignored both. Some text about wanting us to work things out and a "I love you" which while sounds great on paper and in theory, left a lot to be desired knowing how much empty rhetoric she liberally uses.
What does it mean to "work things out" with someone who threatened to end our relationship if I didn't unlock my phone for her to look at? How do you "work" that out? Okay, so she doesn't trust me she says, but why? Was it me? I've never cheated on her. Even when we broke up and I went out on dates, I still didn't kiss a girl.
Oh, wait. There was this other time we broke up and I did sleep with Andee. I guess that's not completely accurate. But we were broken up. What does it matter.
I am still a man that desires commitment. A rare breed I suppose. Well, at least stereotypically it kind of is presented that men have a hard time committing to a woman for life. Or being straight up monogamous and not looking sideways at all the options available to them.
So, I ignored her texts until later when I told her I was going to be there to pick her up at 830 like I promised. I was still unhappy about her. I was unimpressed by her attempt at reconcillation. She asked me what she could do to make me happy and I replied with, "you've known me for over a year now. I'm sure you can think of something."
And that is true. Why should I have to tell her, again, that I like seeing her make an effort? To put on lingerie and makeup and make me the center of attention once in a while? To bake me scones or bake me anything, or... Whatever, man. To just explain that she is sorry and to at least go into further detail with it so that we both understand where the fear is coming from and do our best not to come across a situation like that again where I am unfairly accused of "talking" with another girl.
She doesn't seem to get it. Logic eludes her. I was telling her in the car on the way over there that if she knows that I love her, then why the hell would I want anybody else? Yet she was still in this frenzy of "I trust my intuition!!" those two nights ago which prompted her to make these false accusations.
She really doesn't want to admit that her intuition steered her wrong. No surprise given that she is hoping to work as an "intuitive" that can magically diagnosis problems in people without having to logically give reasons for as to how the answers are arrived at.
That is dangerous thinking, in my opinion. To want to lazily diagnose the traumas and illnesses of people who are sick and in need and then not be held accountable, because intuition, etc. Or to not have to back up whatever her diagnosis is with anything that resembles a fact. Just a feeling.
So, it was dark between us as we went there. I told her that she needs to use common sense and employ reason once in awhile. To trust me, knowing that I love her and wouldn't want to hurt her. That is not a big leap to make. She knows that I love her. But I suppose she knows that I can hurt her too. That is the risk of trust. To knowingly allow yourself to become vulnerable because you believe the other person desires the best outcome for you.
And I do. I really do. But she doesn't think so, on some deep level that she can't explain. I really don't have much in the way of anything I can do to gain her trust.
The hypocrisy is what gets me most. She wants me to automatically trust her, but doesn't extend that same courtesy to me.
That is the absolute worst quality to me. Anyone who says one thing and does another. Who doesn't even try to keep their word. Just says words that make it look like progress is happening and good things are being said, but not backed up by action or behavior that reflects the content of whatever it is they say.
No integrity. Just false promises, expectations, delusional thinking.
Anyways, I did my best to keep it out of the way of our time tonight. Justin, Nicole, Seth, Margie, Mike and his wife were all there and I was determined not to put a sour face on and make the tension between Fola and I noticeable or an obstacle to us having fun that evening.
And it worked. It got to the point where Fola looked at me and said, "I know you can't stay mad at me for long" and I told her that I was still mad at her, and just because I was in a good mood does not excuse her for what she has done. That she still has to make up for it.
The night continued to go well. The band was amazing. Carter and the Cardinals, the opening band had this throwback 70s sound complete with porn-sounding synths and funky basslines. I loved it. They were local too.
But Five Alarm Funk was next level. 9 musicians on stage. Three percussionists, including a dude on bongo drums. Sax, trumpet. Guitar, bass. Incredible energy. Fantastic performance.
Spoke to Carter, the lead singer of the opening band after the show. He was pleasant and upbeat and excited to be there. I told him to enjoy every moment of what he was experiencing, because later in life he is going to look back on these days as the best he's ever had. He seemed to really appreciate these words among others.
Fola spent time touching me over the evening. Planted some light kisses on me too. I accepted all that. Touched her a few times too. Again, I was determined not to let our differences get in the way of a good time.
As everything ended and we headed home, I could feel the distance returning. We drove in silence for the most part, listening to 80s music. As I parked by her home, she leaned in for a kiss and I felt this... disassociation. This lack of interest well up inside of me. I was not in that mood. I didn't want to kiss her, or be kissed. She's done this to me a few times. I know that feeling well.
She tried for a second kiss, asking me "you don't want me to kiss you?" and ...
Yeah.
Back to feeling isolated from her.
I... love her, and I don't. I mean... Yes, I want a conditional relationship. A reciprocal one. I want one where she surprises me. Where she takes obvious time and effort to put my happiness ahead of hers, and especially ahead of being convenient, which is where the true test of selflessness comes from. Which can indicate commitment to the quality and well-being of our relationship.
I don't see enough of those demonstrations, if I can call it that. Moments where she does something without expecting anything in return and goes out of her way to make me feel good. I need more of those moments.
Because although she knows that I love her, and has often told me this "I know that you love me" with a smirk; I can't honestly say that I feel the same about her. I don't. I've been in relationships before. I know what the "extra mile" looks like when someone takes time and makes the effort to improve things.
I haven't seen Fola reach the levels that some of my ex-girlfriends have. If I fuck up on something, I go the distance. If I want to please my lady, I will go the distance. But when the ball is in her court, it's like she forgot how to dribble and it just rolls senselessly around on the ground. That's what I was seeing throughout most of our relationship. That's not to say she hasn't made any effort, but she hasn't made enough effort to convince me that I can truly feel and know that she loves me.
And that is important. And pathetic, because I am holding onto an idea. I am not content with fleeting kisses and weak hugs and... massages/touches that last for such a short brief period of time that it almost negates their worth.
I believe still, not to get hung up on all this and to move forward with my head held high. I can still be a man. I don't need to be placing my dreams into the hands of a woman and give her the power to destroy them. I don't trust or respect her enough to do that. And she doesn't think she needs to earn either of those things.
She wants to automatically be given them.
And for someone who argued with me about how there is no "right" or "wrong" and that "everything happens for a reason" and who was formerly into sleeping with multiple people; I think I am fair in my stance to not be putting up with her shit. To ask for more than what she is giving, because I need more. And I do not think she is giving me nearly enough.
Although she often likes to say that she does "many things for me", she isn't able to provide me with examples that have a convincing basis to them. Telling me about how often she comes over to my place, is not doing me a favor. Yes, I like spending time with her, but I also know that she comes over because she enjoys the way I make her feel. It's not like she's doing it because she doesn't enjoy it or because it feels like "work".
Our arguments are so banal sometimes.
Despite how cold and indifferent I was in the way it ended last night; I still agreed to go to her to this Spirit and Mind expo today. Which is in a few hours. Not sure how that is going to be, but I am going to try and keep my heart tucked firmly into my chest. Despite how easy it is for me to want to gush it out towards her and passionately kiss and touch her.
Because I feel she has not made up for anything. I want to see her try. I NEED to see her try.
Otherwise there is no point with us.
Well.
I still have a soul contract to oblige by. And so does she.
I have a feeling that I am supposed to be speaking the truth to her. That is what it feels my obligation is.
And hers? I don't know. Perhaps to listen. To learn. To try and grow and evolve and become a better version of herself.
To learn what love is, maybe.
Painful. But expedient.
And necessary.
Off I go.
