There was an energy in the air. Fola had the idea early on in the day for her, Sade and Ivy to visit an acreage outside of town to drop off some sweat lodge blankets she had to clean (for her Shaman group).
She started off by texting me that she wants to get me more involved with her and her family. That she sees me as being a good dad, and that she is working on trusting me more.
I.. Didn't quite know what to say to that. We came from having a rather odd trip together in Canmore a few days earlier, and it didn't work out all that well given that I was upset at her for various reasons.
I keep thinking that this woman doesn't love me, and I seem to keep getting told that she does and today seemed like I could almost believe it.
First off, we were supposed to take my car but it was belching out these fumes from the vents so the inside smelled like coolant or something burning. Ended up having to bow out from that and take Sade's car instead.
Getting there, we arrived at the place and... man, it was beautiful. Two dogs welcomed us. A small one-eyed Pug and a giant Saint Bernard, both of whom were quite friendly and a treat to pet.
Not only were there two awesome dogs on the premises, but there were horses, chickens, a rabbit and... wait for it... Llamas, all of which we could go up towards and interact with,
The Llamas were fascinating to me. They were extremely curious and came right up to investigate us, staring into our eyes. I let out a tentative hand from which a couple of them came up to sniff.
And it seemed that they were nervous and gentle creatures. I liked them. If I had an acreage, I would seriously consider getting a pair.
The lady we met inside was extremely nice as well. There was this quiet shine about her, this comforting presence and...
It was such a nice experience.
I'm not sure what else to add here, other than that we went for Vietnamese food and Ivy hurt her head on the table, causing her to cry for a few minutes. But that passed quickly enough.
At home, we played around a bit with Ivy and Fola/Sade and I all watched Dazed & Confused which none of them have seen before.
Hmm. Fola and I sat on the couch together, stared into each other's eyes every so often and touched. It felt good.
And... I still can't help but think there was this odd energy in the air. Fola seemed to pick up on it and explained it as being "Good Friday" as the culprit, but I'm not so sure. Perhaps that is the case, but there's more to it than just a label.
There are reasons. None that I can quite understand or intellectualize at the moment, but reasons nonetheless.
Hmm... I'm sorry I haven't written much on you lately my blog. I don't know what that is. My motivation to write has certainly waned over the past long while and I don't think that is a good thing, but it seems to be a necessary thing at the moment. Again, I don't know why.
Perhaps there are more important things for me to focus on. Or maybe I am on the wrong track, but it doesn't quite feel that way either.
There is a God. There is a rhyme and reason for everything. There is goodness in this world. There is light. And there is darkness and all manner of those who succumb to it.
I keep thinking that in order for me to be spiritual and connected to God, I don't know if I can have it alongside my desire to own an acreage and to have money enough to realize financial freedom with. It seems like being materialistic and spiritual doesn't quite mesh well together, but perhaps I can make it work. I don't know how, but I'm sure there is a way.
It's been a beautiful day, and I don't feel like my ego needs to be stoked by any kind of witty observation or humor, which is why this post is somewhat dry and uninteresting. Again, I don't know why it has turned out like this, but it feels like a step in my personal evolution.
There are things that I am in battle against, and it feels like... I don't know if it feels like I'm winning, but it feels like its happening in the way it needs to. I like who I am, but I have to admit that the relationship I'm having with Fola is not at all what my heart wants from a girlfriend. But that might be the lesson I am in the process of learning. To shed off this preconceived notions in my head, of a woman reaching for my arm or my hand and being a woman rather than channeling her masculine side; it might mean that my acceptance of this could result in exactly the kind of relationship I would want. I don't know. The journey is still ongoing.
So... Thanks for everything God. It feels like you, the Creator, has taken something of an interest in me. I can't explain why, but I feel it. I feel like there is something or someone nearby that has concern for my well-being and happiness.
I don't know why.
But I am grateful regardless.
Well blog.
Till next time.
