Good Friday

Strange day that Good Friday I tell you.

There was an energy in the air. Fola had the idea early on in the day for her, Sade and Ivy to visit an acreage outside of town to drop off some sweat lodge blankets she had to clean (for her Shaman group).

She started off by texting me that she wants to get me more involved with her and her family. That she sees me as being a good dad, and that she is working on trusting me more.

I.. Didn't quite know what to say to that. We came from having a rather odd trip together in Canmore a few days earlier, and it didn't work out all that well given that I was upset at her for various reasons.

I keep thinking that this woman doesn't love me, and I seem to keep getting told that she does and today seemed like I could almost believe it.

First off, we were supposed to take my car but it was belching out these fumes from the vents so the inside smelled like coolant or something burning. Ended up having to bow out from that and take Sade's car instead.

Getting there, we arrived at the place and... man, it was beautiful. Two dogs welcomed us. A small one-eyed Pug and a giant Saint Bernard, both of whom were quite friendly and a treat to pet.

Not only were there two awesome dogs on the premises, but there were horses, chickens, a rabbit and... wait for it... Llamas, all of which we could go up towards and interact with,

The Llamas were fascinating to me. They were extremely curious and came right up to investigate us, staring into our eyes. I let out a tentative hand from which a couple of them came up to sniff.

And it seemed that they were nervous and gentle creatures. I liked them. If I had an acreage, I would seriously consider getting a pair.

The lady we met inside was extremely nice as well. There was this quiet shine about her, this comforting presence and...

It was such a nice experience.

I'm not sure what else to add here, other than that we went for Vietnamese food and Ivy hurt her head on the table, causing her to cry for a few minutes. But that passed quickly enough.

At home, we played around a bit with Ivy and Fola/Sade and I all watched Dazed & Confused which none of them have seen before.

Hmm. Fola and I sat on the couch together, stared into each other's eyes every so often and touched. It felt good.

And... I still can't help but think there was this odd energy in the air. Fola seemed to pick up on it and explained it as being "Good Friday" as the culprit, but I'm not so sure. Perhaps that is the case, but there's more to it than just a label.

There are reasons. None that I can quite understand or intellectualize at the moment, but reasons nonetheless.

Hmm... I'm sorry I haven't written much on you lately my blog. I don't know what that is. My motivation to write has certainly waned over the past long while and I don't think that is a good thing, but it seems to be a necessary thing at the moment. Again, I don't know why.

Perhaps there are more important things for me to focus on. Or maybe I am on the wrong track, but it doesn't quite feel that way either.

There is a God. There is a rhyme and reason for everything. There is goodness in this world. There is light. And there is darkness and all manner of those who succumb to it.

I keep thinking that in order for me to be spiritual and connected to God, I don't know if I can have it alongside my desire to own an acreage and to have money enough to realize financial freedom with. It seems like being materialistic and spiritual doesn't quite mesh well together, but perhaps I can make it work. I don't know how, but I'm sure there is a way.

It's been a beautiful day, and I don't feel like my ego needs to be stoked by any kind of witty observation or humor, which is why this post is somewhat dry and uninteresting. Again, I don't know why it has turned out like this, but it feels like a step in my personal evolution.

There are things that I am in battle against, and it feels like... I don't know if it feels like I'm winning, but it feels like its happening in the way it needs to. I like who I am, but I have to admit that the relationship I'm having with Fola is not at all what my heart wants from a girlfriend. But that might be the lesson I am in the process of learning. To shed off this preconceived notions in my head, of a woman reaching for my arm or my hand and being a woman rather than channeling her masculine side; it might mean that my acceptance of this could result in exactly the kind of relationship I would want. I don't know. The journey is still ongoing.

So... Thanks for everything God. It feels like you, the Creator, has taken something of an interest in me. I can't explain why, but I feel it. I feel like there is something or someone nearby that has concern for my well-being and happiness.

I don't know why.

But I am grateful regardless.

Well blog.

Till next time.

The Loops of Imagination

So blog, seems like I have a bit more than Fola to be talking about with this post.

Couple of days ago I was driving in the city when I decided to roll down my window. There were puddles on the road, but nothing on the stretch I was on.

As the window went down, a red truck drove by and splashed water across my windshield. Some of it went inside and hit me on the cheek. I was like, "wtf" and looked over to the vehicle on my left to see who it was.

The guy inside was smiling. Not at me, but looking ahead and oblivious to the splash he caused.

What's interesting about all that, was the license plate as I drove by.

YHWH2

YHWH2 = God as well, is how I interpreted it.

I was somewhat delighted and amused when that happened. Earlier, I had been thinking about the theory that we all exist in a simulated reality. That perhaps this is all VR and we are controlling our avatars at a distance. It seems so plausible to me. I feel like in the years I've been exposed to ST, its arguments for and against, pieces seem to be falling into my lap suggesting that it is more of a certainty than it is not.

Prior to being splashed, I had come across videos/a Reddit thread of the Mandela effect, which is the idea that reality changes, including the past and not everything is accounted for or exactly the way it once was.

There were pieces of "evidence" in the Mandela thread that I found interesting, even if I didn't know quite what to make of it. Such as the Ford logo having a "curl" for almost a hundred years, and yet, there has been instances when there is no curl in the logo. Could be a simple explanation, or it could be a shift in reality. Who the hell knows.

What I do know, is that something was sparked inside of me as I was reviewing these claims. I had the urge to write "New Universe" on my chalkboard and felt that I had the ability to bring forth a new universe into existence. Sounds a little silly, but as I study this stuff further, I feel that I am inching closer to the "truth".

For instance, I feel that simulation theory goes a long ways in explaining much of the weird stuff I've been fascinated with over the years. Philosophy, psychology, metaphysics and other odds and ends all seem to fit in with the idea that this world is not really "real" and that it is, in fact, an illusion as Buddhism and Hinduism claim it to be.

Bits of evidence such as "My kingdom is not of this world" as said by Christ, seems to prop up this theory. Sure, it can mean the divine "realm" or "heaven" in that particular context, but it could mean that those "realms" or "heavens" are more real than reality itself.

Yes, I am aware that I am typing on a keyboard and that each of my fingers feel the solid push of the buttons, but quantum physics prove that most everything is literally emptiness. Perception has a subjective aspect to it. I see a branch where others see a tree. Successful people see obstacles as challenges. Where one sees an unfortunate event take place, there are many different ways of looking at the same thing. Subjectivity and objectivity appears to be relative to perception and experience, etc.

There was a code found in 2012 that points to a search-engine algorithm as being a part of the cosmos. Kind of strange, but could be coincidental. That's the thing. When too many coincidences add up, perhaps it indicates that something needs to change about the way we see and interpret such phenomena,

We live in a mathematical universe. There are laws that have to be obeyed, and interestingly, not all of them have been discovered, but much of it has. I've been looking at a few other things that remind me of other material I've studied, such as the electric universe and the blinking universe, where apparently the universe winks itself out of existence and rebuilds itself once every 11 trillionith of a second, or something like that.

I have all these bits and pieces inside of me that seem to conveniently fit within the simulation theory model. For example, knowing that the thought to move an arm, can sometimes arrive after the arm is actually moved. Unusual because it begs the question as to where is this directive coming from, if not from our own bodies. They've measured this. It's valid to wonder about.

Then there is the placebo effect, where our own minds can affect healing. In WWII, a nurse ran out of morphine to give to soldiers and instead injected them with a saline-solution. These soldiers reported relief. Strange, huh? A non-medicinal substance was made medicinal.

That points to the idea that reality is more subjective than we give it credit for. If we can affect healing through belief, than theoretically, it could also mean that we can affect disorder/disease through belief as well.

If we have that type of power over our own health, it certainly means that there is an autonomy that exists within us independent of the environment. Which is very interesting, since it suggests that we aren't fully constrained by certain "laws", one of which is that medication/therapy isn't as efficacious as we may think them to be. Unless we allow it.

Because not all medication affects individuals consistently or has the desired effect, it makes me wonder. Biologically, a substance should have a repeatable effect whenever it is administered, but not everyone reacts the exact same way.

I am reminded of the first time I did shrooms with Fola. I didn't feel anything. But when I did it on my own, I certainly did. Same dose as well. Same shrooms. Assuming they all have the psychoactive effect more or less evenly distributed across each mushroom, its curious why I didn't feel anything the first time.

Anyways... that's the medical side. There are other strange things to ponder. Synchronicity. Coincidences. Deva-Ju. Ghosts. Aliens. I can bend them to match a simulation hypothesis.

Aliens? They're the engineers/maintainers of the simulation. Ghosts? They're bugs in the programming that haven't been fully accounted for.

Synchronicity? I'm still trying to grasp that one. I am mindful of the type I wrote a blog post wondering if "someone is watching" (over me) and then a day or two later I come across a bench with a note posted on it saying, "someone is watching you." which answered my question.

Guardian angels? Spirit guides? Higher self? ... Hmm. I haven't fully figured out those yet either. I feel like I'm close to understanding how everything fits together, but its being realized on an intuitive level. Rather than an intellectually-arrested one.

I imagine that there exists several layers of realities. Several dimensions. Like an optical disc with layers of data occupying the same space. They're just on a different frequencies than ours. Perhaps, also, we can interact between them. Think of drugs, also, that help enable one to access these "higher" realms.

The multiverse. Parallel universes. Theoretically, I am thinking that each time we wake, we wake up to a different universe. A universe where I am rich and successful, DOES exist out there, and perhaps when I keep my focus on that possibility playing itself out, I begin to create this exact universe the more I focus upon it.

Or perhaps, I am simply displacing the self I am now, in favor of the self that has already realized these things. Existing elsewhere.

I know that I am not making a convincing argument with any of all this. I'm just throwing ideas around and rambling. Trying to make some sense.

On an intuitive level, I feel that... we kind of our the Gods of our own making. I believe there does exist a "programmer" out there, who helped bring about all this. A creator. A God. Some being or intelligence that does actually want each of us to realize our Godly powers of creation, within an environment that allows us to express it.

NLP. Law of Attraction.

"What you think, you become." -Buddha

It feels like my hand is inside of a bag of which I can't see the contents of. I'm fishing around in there and recognizing the objects, but I'm also not entirely sure what they are. Not unless I remove them to examine and see, which I am not allowed to do.

It's like I "know" what I'm touching are wet strands of spaghetti, but until I pull them out from the bag, I can't be sure.

A simulation.

Hmm.

Knowing this should mean that there is a practical way of hacking it all. And so much self-help stuff all teach various techniques and ways of achieving just that.

There is overlap as well. Certain words and ideas really mean the same thing. Just with different terminology applied.

I wrote an article on Medium a few days ago about channeling. I compared it to creativity. To imagination. And perhaps, that may be all that it is. We embody certain patterns and "spirits" and create another type of "illusion" that we allow ourselves to express out into the world. Sometimes, we completely change our behavior and our actions reflect it. Bringing about the desired changes.

Neuroplasticity. Another weird thing. The brain is so malleable. Autopsies where it was found that certain individuals did not even have a brain at the point of death, and they were functioning well enough until then.

Consciousness. Awareness. The double-slit. The observation effect on changing from a particle to a wave.

All these things are adding up.

And I'm trying to put the pieces together.

If this really is a simulation, an aliens are engineers/maintainers of the illusion; then why have they allowed for the pyramids to exist? They are so improbable. We cannot replicate the great pyramid of Giza with modern-day equipment. How did our ancestors manage it?

Why and who was allowed to make one?

Were there truly giants back in the day? The Nephilim?

I realize how much of a crackpot I am sounding like, but there is something there. Something important that I do not fully understand.

Water crystals and rice that changes according to observation and intention.

Clearly our minds... our intentions and consciousness are more powerful than we give them credit for. They shape reality. They make things happen.

Why did someone leave a note that "someone is watching" in a place where I could find it, and in the period when I asked that question?

Did I create that? Or was I drawn towards it?

Is time really linear? Probably not. It feels almost like everything has been played out, and that the future can affect the present. What guided me to that note? What prompted an individual to write those words down and attach it to the bench?

Everything is connected.

Is there a super-consciousness? Akashic records? How is it that people learn things from other people, even if a continent divides them? Why are there pyramids all over the world? In the most unlikely of places?

Did we build them? Or did something else?

Do we really choose the experiences we wish to have? If I want to be rich and wealthy and living in an acreage with a dog, can I really use only my mind to make it happen? I don't have the educational qualifications to get a really high paying job. I don't know if I will win the lottery. I am not sure how it could come about for me to be a multi-millionaire.

But it is possible. It probably already has happened. Somewhere.

We live in a spiritual democracy. We vote for certain things and ways of being. Unconsciously, and these things manifest themselves it seems.

As above, so below.

But are we a collective, or do we each have our own worlds to become the master of?

Are we each Gods, or can there only be one God at a time?

Am I inside of a single-player video game?

Or is this an MMO?

If reality can be affected by the individual, if things shuffle themselves around to match the individuals wants and needs and desires; then it points to a single-player experience. We are our own Gods.

However, if this is a collective that allows for great personal liberty and creation; then we must cooperate. We must work together to become what we most desire.

This makes more sense to me, thinking that reality will only bend itself to my whims as long as I contribute something of value to it.

Even thinking, has value.

And sharing my thoughts.

Speaking my truth.

What is the end game, though? Mastery?

Perhaps we each come here with a specific purpose in mind.

Sometimes shitty things have to happen in order for us to elevate our consciousness to another level, so that we can allow for better things. So we can "learn" more about who we actually are.

Gods.

Creators.

Co-creators, obviously.

I think.

Life is strange, my blog.

Going to continue to puzzle this one out.

A Comfortable Insanity

What a fucking weird life I live. Maybe I should be more specific and say, what a weird girlfriend I have.

Weird, and insane. I'm 100% confident in making that assessment. Which is doubly hilarious (tragically) with the fact that she is a psychiatric nurse who is interested in becoming a "healer" using means such as Reiki, NLP and psychedelics.

Yesterday we had another fight. Surprise! But before I get into that, I should probably cover the period that occurred after she accused me of chatting with a girl on Friday.

Hm. Can't remember if I blogged about Saturday. I think I did, so I will skip over how that all went. Basically, I was proud of myself for not letting the distaste and anger of being accused of cheating impact the evening we were having. Well, at least until we left the venue and I shut myself off emotionally towards her.

So, Sunday.. Hm. She came over, amazing sex as usual. Had a bath. Fantastic day.

Monday she didn't come in the evening. Texting went well.

Now, Tuesday. Yesterday.

So, to preface all of this, I want to ensure that I make the point that Fola still has not "made up" or apologized in any sincere way since that incident on Friday night. I decided to let all that slide. As usual, because I already voiced my concerns about how I felt that if I was the one who accused her and demanded to unlock her phone; she likely would refuse and then possibly ask for a breakup. She would not have taken the approach I did, where I allowed her to see what was on there.

I feel that there are ... Well, its obvious that there are some serious problems with our relationship. So, with everything above said, lets move onto what the latest argument was about.

Yesterday, she took the day off work and I decided to tag along with her to her appointment with a psychologist. She's seeing this lady specifically for her work "trauma" of being sorta/kinda punched in the shoulder, and Fola admitted that she didn't need more than a session or two. So this was session #3 she has gone to, and I spent an hour waiting in the lobby for her to finish.

It didn't start off well, prior to our arrival. We were there an hour early, and I felt that we didn't need to be. We decided to walk around the area to see what was there (not much) and I made the comment to ask Fola to slow down a little bit because we had an hour to kill, and there was no reason for her to be walking briskly down the street. She got upset. "Oh, that really bugs me when someone tells me to slow down!"

I rolled my eyes. An hour to kill and you want to blast through the one store that was nearby we could check out? That's not effective time management in my mind. Sure, we can check it out in two minutes and be back where we started. Having 58 minutes left to kill.

Why not slow down and smell the roses a bit?

Anyways, back to the lobby. She finishes her appointment and we walk out. Her daughter Ivy calls and Fola then Facetimes with her for twenty minutes while I had a cigarette outside.

In the car, I asked her how the appointment went.

"Good." she says. Adding nothing further.

Now, this is her canned response to every question I ask about how anything went or is going. "How are you? How was the show? How was dinner? How was the movie? How is life? How is so and so?" 98.99% of the time, Fola will respond with "good" and little else.

So she said "good" again, and I felt that twinge inside of me. I spent an hour waiting for her and though I don't care to hear all the details of what they talked about, I was hoping for something more than just a "good".

A little summary would have been helpful. "We talked about my career. My life choices, etc. She was nice. (insert anecdote here/etc.)" something like that would've been better heard than "good", which is what I am so tired of hearing because there isn't anything being said or revealed.

Another thing that I didn't like is that there is obviously a trust issue between us. I feel it is a recurring theme in our relationship from early on up until now. As Friday had proven even further "I don't trust you!" I see this lack of trust bleeding into any question or subject that demands an amount of vulnerability being expressed by her. Anything personal or revealing about her character is often suppressed, avoided, dismissed, glossed over or kept to the barest minimum.

It bothers me because I feel that in the 14 months we've been together, we should be at a level where we can be comfortable talking with each other about anything. Including a psychologist appointment. If not the specifics, than the general gist of it. Instead, when I brought this up to her, she replies with "I don't NEED to tell you anything" which then made me say, "yes. You don't need to tell me anything. You don't need to tell me about your day. Your job. Your friends or family. You don't need to tell me anything. I get that."

I then remind her again about how I want my partner to be able to open up with me about anything "personal". And that I could do the same to her. No secrets. No walls. I'm not after being 100% an open-book, but I certainly expect much more than what I have been getting.

Trust. I keep telling Fola that she needs to trust me, and I keep wondering about what it is that I may have done to have prevented or hindered this from happening. Or why she is feeling this way, which she freely admits towards. Not just to me, but others as well.

I keep thinking that in order to gain trust, you have to earn it. You have to demonstrate being worthy of it. She thinks otherwise, and that trust should be automatically given. This is where our arguments are often rooted in. She expects me to be free and open and trusting, but her conception of what trust involves (vulnerability) is not in congruence with what she believes in. It has to go both ways. I was making the point that trust (to me) is situational, not general. For instance, I would not trust her with my life, but I could trust her to get groceries. I would not trust her to be lending money towards, but I can trust her with...

Here is the sad part, I can't trust her with much of anything. I can't trust that she will stay committed to me because she often doesn't indicate her willingness to commit. Occasionally I will get a crumb tossed my way, where she will say "our house", but I won't get a "you're the only man for me, why would I want anyone else?" kind of declaration.

Can't trust her to water my plants like she said she would. While I was gone. She skipped a visit. Although she told me that if I got more plants, she would be willing to take care of them. I thought I could take her at her word. Clearly, I cannot. This applies to so many other things. Including the trip to Cuba we were supposed to take weeks ago.

I'm tired, blog. But as the title says, this is a comfortable type of insanity... almost. Because although I am unhappy with her dedication to making our relationship loving and harmonious and reciprocal; I recognize that she is actually making me into a better man. Sounds contradictory, but I have been noticing that I've engaged less and less with her on a level of anger and disbelief and fear. I am soon at the point where I truly don't care what she does or says anymore. She'll say one thing one week, and say something different the next. Her moods will change and swing and her opinions and beliefs will do the same. Nothing wrong with that, except for the frequency and the fact that she is so stubborn and inflexible until she is proven wrong to have those beliefs. And even then, there is no guarantee she will examine herself and try to change anything about these false ideas.

Well... I really don't know what else to write here. It's ridiculous how much I have been talking about her already on my blog. 14 months with her. And... although I am not even covering or explaining every little issue I am having, or we are having, I don't feel the need to. I realize that I am dealing with someone irrational, who says that there is no such thing as "right or wrong" and that "everything happens for a reason" even if she makes these things happen, in a wrong way.

She has issues, and so do I, I suppose, but I feel like I am really doing my best to make this work. And for that, I cannot apologize for the way I've conducted myself. Was I right to be angry at her for falsely accusing me of cheating/talking to another girl and then demanding to look at my phone? Yes! Anyone would be right to be angry.

But, I am on this ride until the wheels fall off. She can break up with me and go her own way. Unless or until I find someone who shares my values and goals (by accident or chance); I'm staying. I will honor this relationship and this opportunity and I am grateful to her for all the good and the bad of what we've shared. She is helping me to become a better person, but in a very unorthodox and painful way. I suspect that I am doing the same for her.

And I am determined to exit this all with my head held high. Unless something particularly serious happens.

This way, I can honestly tell myself that I have done my best. That I truly could not have done anything more than what I already did. That there was no stone left unturned. I may not have done everything perfectly, but I have tried in the most perfect way possible.

I have tried. The failure isn't an indication of success. It is the trying that is successful.

And I can live with that.

I had a strange dream last night about her too. A beautiful young blond girl with strange eyes was involved. She offered for me to "fuck her in the ass" and she promised she wouldn't tell (Fola).

I was proud of my dream self for responding, "I can't do that. I won't cheat on her."

And this morning before she left for work, it was like last night never happened.

Sighs.

Fuck, man.

Trial by fire.

And I am calmly walking on the coals.

The Morning After

Last night, Five Alarm Funk.

Since My last 39,921,391 blog posts are about Fola, don't be surprised that this one is as well.

The day started off with restraint. She texted me in the morning, and I ignored both. Some text about wanting us to work things out and a "I love you" which while sounds great on paper and in theory, left a lot to be desired knowing how much empty rhetoric she liberally uses.

What does it mean to "work things out" with someone who threatened to end our relationship if I didn't unlock my phone for her to look at? How do you "work" that out? Okay, so she doesn't trust me she says, but why? Was it me? I've never cheated on her. Even when we broke up and I went out on dates, I still didn't kiss a girl.

Oh, wait. There was this other time we broke up and I did sleep with Andee. I guess that's not completely accurate. But we were broken up. What does it matter.

I am still a man that desires commitment. A rare breed I suppose. Well, at least stereotypically it kind of is presented that men have a hard time committing to a woman for life. Or being straight up monogamous and not looking sideways at all the options available to them.

So, I ignored her texts until later when I told her I was going to be there to pick her up at 830 like I promised. I was still unhappy about her. I was unimpressed by her attempt at reconcillation. She asked me what she could do to make me happy and I replied with, "you've known me for over a year now. I'm sure you can think of something."

And that is true. Why should I have to tell her, again, that I like seeing her make an effort? To put on lingerie and makeup and make me the center of attention once in a while? To bake me scones or bake me anything, or... Whatever, man. To just explain that she is sorry and to at least go into further detail with it so that we both understand where the fear is coming from and do our best not to come across a situation like that again where I am unfairly accused of "talking" with another girl.

She doesn't seem to get it. Logic eludes her. I was telling her in the car on the way over there that if she knows that I love her, then why the hell would I want anybody else? Yet she was still in this frenzy of "I trust my intuition!!" those two nights ago which prompted her to make these false accusations.

She really doesn't want to admit that her intuition steered her wrong. No surprise given that she is hoping to work as an "intuitive" that can magically diagnosis problems in people without having to logically give reasons for as to how the answers are arrived at.

That is dangerous thinking, in my opinion. To want to lazily diagnose the traumas and illnesses of people who are sick and in need and then not be held accountable, because intuition, etc. Or to not have to back up whatever her diagnosis is with anything that resembles a fact. Just a feeling.

So, it was dark between us as we went there. I told her that she needs to use common sense and employ reason once in awhile. To trust me, knowing that I love her and wouldn't want to hurt her. That is not a big leap to make. She knows that I love her. But I suppose she knows that I can hurt her too. That is the risk of trust. To knowingly allow yourself to become vulnerable because you believe the other person desires the best outcome for you.

And I do. I really do. But she doesn't think so, on some deep level that she can't explain. I really don't have much in the way of anything I can do to gain her trust.

The hypocrisy is what gets me most. She wants me to automatically trust her, but doesn't extend that same courtesy to me.

That is the absolute worst quality to me. Anyone who says one thing and does another. Who doesn't even try to keep their word. Just says words that make it look like progress is happening and good things are being said, but not backed up by action or behavior that reflects the content of whatever it is they say.

No integrity. Just false promises, expectations, delusional thinking.

Anyways, I did my best to keep it out of the way of our time tonight. Justin, Nicole, Seth, Margie, Mike and his wife were all there and I was determined not to put a sour face on and make the tension between Fola and I noticeable or an obstacle to us having fun that evening.

And it worked. It got to the point where Fola looked at me and said, "I know you can't stay mad at me for long" and I told her that I was still mad at her, and just because I was in a good mood does not excuse her for what she has done. That she still has to make up for it.

The night continued to go well. The band was amazing. Carter and the Cardinals, the opening band had this throwback 70s sound complete with porn-sounding synths and funky basslines. I loved it. They were local too.

But Five Alarm Funk was next level. 9 musicians on stage. Three percussionists, including a dude on bongo drums. Sax, trumpet. Guitar, bass. Incredible energy. Fantastic performance.

Spoke to Carter, the lead singer of the opening band after the show. He was pleasant and upbeat and excited to be there. I told him to enjoy every moment of what he was experiencing, because later in life he is going to look back on these days as the best he's ever had. He seemed to really appreciate these words among others.

Fola spent time touching me over the evening. Planted some light kisses on me too. I accepted all that. Touched her a few times too. Again, I was determined not to let our differences get in the way of a good time.

As everything ended and we headed home, I could feel the distance returning. We drove in silence for the most part, listening to 80s music. As I parked by her home, she leaned in for a kiss and I felt this... disassociation. This lack of interest well up inside of me. I was not in that mood. I didn't want to kiss her, or be kissed. She's done this to me a few times. I know that feeling well.

She tried for a second kiss, asking me "you don't want me to kiss you?" and ...

Yeah.

Back to feeling isolated from her.

I... love her, and I don't. I mean... Yes, I want a conditional relationship. A reciprocal one. I want one where she surprises me. Where she takes obvious time and effort to put my happiness ahead of hers, and especially ahead of being convenient, which is where the true test of selflessness comes from. Which can indicate commitment to the quality and well-being of our relationship.

I don't see enough of those demonstrations, if I can call it that. Moments where she does something without expecting anything in return and goes out of her way to make me feel good. I need more of those moments.

Because although she knows that I love her, and has often told me this "I know that you love me" with a smirk; I can't honestly say that I feel the same about her. I don't. I've been in relationships before. I know what the "extra mile" looks like when someone takes time and makes the effort to improve things.

I haven't seen Fola reach the levels that some of my ex-girlfriends have. If I fuck up on something, I go the distance. If I want to please my lady, I will go the distance. But when the ball is in her court, it's like she forgot how to dribble and it just rolls senselessly around on the ground. That's what I was seeing throughout most of our relationship. That's not to say she hasn't made any effort, but she hasn't made enough effort to convince me that I can truly feel and know that she loves me.

And that is important. And pathetic, because I am holding onto an idea. I am not content with fleeting kisses and weak hugs and... massages/touches that last for such a short brief period of time that it almost negates their worth.

I believe still, not to get hung up on all this and to move forward with my head held high. I can still be a man. I don't need to be placing my dreams into the hands of a woman and give her the power to destroy them. I don't trust or respect her enough to do that. And she doesn't think she needs to earn either of those things.

She wants to automatically be given them.

And for someone who argued with me about how there is no "right" or "wrong" and that "everything happens for a reason" and who was formerly into sleeping with multiple people; I think I am fair in my stance to not be putting up with her shit. To ask for more than what she is giving, because I need more. And I do not think she is giving me nearly enough.

Although she often likes to say that she does "many things for me", she isn't able to provide me with examples that have a convincing basis to them. Telling me about how often she comes over to my place, is not doing me a favor. Yes, I like spending time with her, but I also know that she comes over because she enjoys the way I make her feel. It's not like she's doing it because she doesn't enjoy it or because it feels like "work".

Our arguments are so banal sometimes.

Despite how cold and indifferent I was in the way it ended last night; I still agreed to go to her to this Spirit and Mind expo today. Which is in a few hours. Not sure how that is going to be, but I am going to try and keep my heart tucked firmly into my chest. Despite how easy it is for me to want to gush it out towards her and passionately kiss and touch her.

Because I feel she has not made up for anything. I want to see her try. I NEED to see her try.

Otherwise there is no point with us.

Well.

I still have a soul contract to oblige by. And so does she.

I have a feeling that I am supposed to be speaking the truth to her. That is what it feels my obligation is.

And hers? I don't know. Perhaps to listen. To learn. To try and grow and evolve and become a better version of herself.

To learn what love is, maybe.

Painful. But expedient.

And necessary.

Off I go.

A Nail to the Heart

Yeah last night was an eye-opener. Fola had invited me over for dinner, after changing her mind three times about where we'd go and what to eat and decided to make it at her place. It went well enough until she asked me to write her an article for her blog. And that we would work on it "together".

She hands me the laptop and goes on her phone. Sending emails and messages and listening to videos. So much for working on it together.

She wanted me to write about channelling, about how one can "channel" otherworldly entities and spirits and ascended masters and whatever other else is out there. She really wants to become a channeller.

Earlier that day we had a conversation about this subject. I explained to her what I thought channelling actually was, and reminded her of some of my personal experiences where I was able to channel stuff through my writing, etc, and what I have learned. She seemed to listen, but not really. I explained that everyone channels. A painter, a musician, a writer, a poet. Even politicians and actors channel from "outside" of themselves, a kind of quality that feels like a "tuning" into something greater than themselves. Or perhaps a tuning into something that is great within themselves. Inner or outer, who really knows, but I am leaning towards the inner. The imagination.

With this thought in mind, I told her what I learned. I felt that to become a channel, one has to learn to let go and surrender themselves. But not completely. It is the space between the self and the no-self that one must learn to occupy and keep themselves within balance of. I also told her that from what I learned and experienced, that channelling appears contingent and borrows terms/ideas heavily from one's resoviour of knowledge. Damn spell checker. It doesn't tell me how to correct that one word I can never spell properly...

Anyways. So, Fola wants to channel and thinks there are "techniques" out there that allows for it. This is what she wanted me to write the article about. How to channel. First off, I am offended of the idea that she wants easy and quick shortcuts and methods to something that I consider to be a kind of gift that has to be treated with great care and not taken for granted or used to exploit the gullibility of others. Which is what so many mediums and psychics often do.

I have tremendous respect for Edgar Cayce. I believe he was the real deal. But he did not set himself on the path to becoming a channeller by any conscious intention or technique. He simply surrendered himself to that particular purpose which was engraved deeply upon his soul. That was what he was intended to become, and he allowed it into being. He did not push for it. He was reluctant to charge money for the service, and he welcomed everyone regardless of their social status, to be eligible for one of his readings. Further, he imparted information that went beyond healing ailments, diseases and psychological traumas. He discussed Atlantis. Reincarnation. The nature of reality and subjects that at times contradicted his Christian faith of which he was a strong adherent of.

So to think that this woman I am with, wants to become a channeller so as to "heal" people (for money) and to asauge her ego and feelings of self-worth; is something that disgusts me on a deep level, to be honest. Had I been born with the gift of mediumship for example, I would be reluctant about charging for my services. I would be selective about who I would reveal these gifts towards. And I certainly would try my best not to allow pride to corrupt my soul with the power that such gifts bring. I also would be fearful that I may not be 100% accurate, and would not appreciate being treated with skepticism, or looked upon as a saviour figure or special kind of human being,

Anyways, so I'm sitting there looking up random articles and spent most of the evening learning about how famous channellers began to channel. Basically the origin story, to see if there are any techniques or themes common among them all. What I found among Fola's favourite channeller (Esther Hicks) is that she borrowed her teachings from Jane Roberts. There were no psychic abilities in her early childhood (like Cayce). I then looked into Carla who did the Law of One, and also discovered a similarity to Esther. Her "seven rays" theory seemed to correspond to Alice Bailey's teachings.

A copy of a copy of a copy.

I was getting a little annoyed towards the end, watching Fola distance herself from me by being on the phone. Messaging and emailing and not getting involved. She then announces she's sleepy and wants to go to bed. I shut the laptop down and make my way to the door, when suddenly she insists she looks at my phone.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because something is going on. I can feel it."

Turns out that Fola had the suspicion I was talking with some girl or was receiving messages from a girl and her "intuition" was sounding the alarm bells.

I was disgusted. Told her that there was no girl I was talking with and that she should trust me to take me at my word.

She said she did not trust me and then threatened to end the relationship if I didn't allow her to look at my phone.

I felt so disgusted by all this that I told her I didn't have time for this garbage and left. Sitting in my car, I get a call from her saying she was coming to see me. She enters, and again this conversation or rather interrogation picks up.

The feelings I had inside of me were surreal. All I could think was that this woman clearly doesn't trust me. No matter how much reassurance I've given her in the past, or even now, and in spite of all we have shared and all I have shared with her, my deepest thoughts and feelings; she still would not take me at my word.

A nail through the heart.

I realized that although I had nothing to hide, I had to play this stupid game of hers. I wanted to make this a learning opportunity. Since she was so prideful of her "intuition" that I would make sure she will remember how wrong it has steered her to the point where she would threaten to end our relationship if she didn't look at my phone.

She assured me that I would have the right to remind her of this moment "hundreds of times" if it turned out that she was wrong.

I made sure that she knew what she was saying, but she didn't seem to take the moment very seriously. She was way too eager to look at my phone than to listen to what I had to say.

Again, the disgust I felt for her was unreal. This isn't my idea of a healthy and loving relationship.

But I feel that this needed to be a learning experience. I had the opportunity of proving her intuition to be wrong, and that would bring some satisfaction and a moment I could point towards in the future if I had to. Which I don't want to, but in the hopes that she will remember this enough to re-consider future accusations made against me that spontaneously arise from some "gut feeling" of hers that has no rational basis enough to overcome trust enough for me that I feel she should be giving. Much in the same way she once asked me to magically just "trust" her, and not have to earn or prove that the trust is well-founded. Kind of like lending money and promising to pay it back. That's based on trust, and she fucked that with me already. Long ago.

Sighs. Man. I ain't even mad, bro. I am just disappointed in her.

So I showed her my phone and she went to the trouble of texting this missed call number I had on there. I didn't know who it was, and I didn't care. The person replied with "who dis?" and she still continued to go over my call log and texts to see if I was speaking with some chick,

I tell you blog, I am disappointed in this woman. She does not know how to love, how to apologize, how to make me feel appreciated and wanted and respected.

So why am I with her?

She often used to tell me that I didn't need reassurance or validation from her when I needed it. That it was up to me to look inward and figure that shit out for myself. It wasn't ever her problem that she spent three hours at a guy's place she hardly knows only to come to my place and fuck me afterwards. Think I wrote about that story on here. Happened in the summer.

When I expressed concern about the many guys she talks to, she replied with a laugh saying, "it's only going to get worse!" ostensibly because she will eventually make more contact with people in whatever she ends up doing with this "career" she's trying to build for herself as a spiritual or life coach or channeller or whatever the fuck, because she can't figure out clearly what it is she wants to become or do.

There is no hope for our relationship if she is going to be like this. Why make our relationship worse? Why not make it better? She is incredibly self-centered and focused on her own gratifications and desires and ego. She still doesn't "get" the importance of putting other people's self-interests first. She is not compassionate. She is not empathetic. She does not give a hoot about making up for past wrongs, to repay a debt she owes me, to put time and effort into making me feel good and putting me ahead of her own convenience and wants.

So why the fuck am I still with this woman? She's not even a woman. She's a little girl with daddy issues who has no idea what is going on and does not understand herself in the slightest. She has no emotional control. Is incapable of being persuaded by logic or reason.

Does not take me seriously, or my wants and concerns seriously.

So why the fuck am I with her?

Mm. I'm guessing because I have to learn something as well. I am learning how to become empowered. I'm not mad as I type all this, just disappointed, and that is a huge step for me. I'm not emotionally wrapped up in her drama now. I truly don't give a fuck, and a part of me is morbidly hoping she will do something drastic enough for me to go off on my merry way and not look back.

Another part of me is hopeful, as well. Regardless of what happens with her, I feel confident for some reason. I eel that there are good things awaiting me, even if they do not appear that way from where I am at the moment.


I must stay strong and let this water run off my back. I could break up with her, but I've a feeling there is something further that needs to be done. Either for her or my own benefit.

She was talking about ... yeah, I don't enjoy typing about every little detail. Some of what she says and does is so asinine that it makes my brain hurt just to think about it. How she often says, "I am going to X destination" rather than have me included along with her plans. She once suggested we both go to BC this summer to visit her family and do other stuff, but weeks or months later she switches it up to an "I" rather than "we", as if I am not intended to be a part of whatever it is that she wants to do.

"I am going to burning man. I am going to California. I am going to X,Y,Z"

Who gives a fuck. Selfish bitch.

There. I've said it.

Bitch.

Maybe I should accept that this is who she is and how I feel about her.

I don't like this. I do love her on a certain level that I can't articulate well enough to explain. There is something deep between us that transcends conventional explanation. I am talking as deep as soul-contracts and past-lives, etc. There is something here that has to be fulfilled. A contractual obligation of some kind.

And I feel that my job is to continue to hold my head high and expose her nonsense for what it is.

Or something.

I don't know.

Tonight we are going to see Five Alarm Funk. I've decided that I am going to have a good time and it won't be dependent on anything she does or says with me. I am going there to check out the place and to talk with Justin and his brother and ignore her if that is what I feel like doing.

Whatever. Time for me to be selfish. Throw this all back in her face the same way she threw it into mine.

Many, many times before.

And let her see herself for the hypocrite that she is. With her double-standards. Talking to all the guys she wants but getting upset at the mere *possibility* that I would be talking to a girl on my own.

Pathetic, really.

Not love.

She texted me this morning. Saying again, that she loves me and wants us to work through this. I haven't responded. The thought in my mind was to say, "Work how? You were willing to end our relationship last night if I didn't let you look at my phone."

And I didn't bother. I don't give a fuck if I leave her hanging. It's not worthy my time and energy to have that conversation if I don't want to.

The ball is in her court. She needs to earn or prove that she loves me instead of always talking about it but rarely showing it.

Last night I was driving home after all this, she sent me a text saying "I was was going to say I love you, but wasn't sure if that would be okay."

Read that text. How sad is that? Not sure if it would be okay to tell me that she loves me? I'm tired of this. I'm tired of hearing about how she wants to do X, but decided not to. She wants to do X for me, but changed her mind or didn't think it was "okay". So many instances of this. So many false promises and "want tos" instead of actual doing.

She's so lazy. Lazy as fuck. Prima donna. Queen bee. Fuck that noise.

I am a king and I deserve to be treated like one. Even if I sometimes appear to be asleep at the wheel, she knows full well the lion that emerges when I am prodded the wrong way.

And she derives satisfaction from it. As I wrote in an earlier post about how the last fight we had, had her texting me with "I want to fuck you right now".

Guess what? You're not going to be getting the satisfaction of my anger this time, Fola.

I am going to honor my intuition on this one.

And it's a hell of a lot more reliable and functional than yours is.

Maybe that's the truth you find yourself annoyed by. That I have more "abilities" than you do. That I am more suited to the type of career/occupation that you are pursuing for yourself. That I care more about people than you do. That I am compassionate, thoughtful and willing to compromise and put my best foot forward. To make effort. To be diplomatic.

Sure, I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be.

Yet, I've accepted it.

She has not.

And therein is the problem

She is deluding herself into a fantasy that will never be realized. She will not become a channeller. She will not become a famous healer or counsellor or a being of any merit if she cannot first understand who she is. If she cannot move herself into the light. Lacking in self-awareness enough to acknowledge her imperfections and work towards overcoming them.

All she wants is money, prestige and to be looked upon with respect and admiration.

Not going to happen if she isn't willing to collaborate with me. To defer to my guidance. To place trust into some of the things that I point out for her. Such as how "surrender" has always lead to positive interactions between us. Next-level experiences, through sex or conversation or whatnot, all happens when we can set egos aside and she trusts my decision-making process. Allowing me to guide her towards a benevolent outcome. Which is all I truly want for the both of us.

She has to trust me in order for that to happen.

And she said last night she doesn't trust me.

Okay.

Guess this is a problem now.

It's up to her to solve it.

I'm just going to carry on my merry way.

And do what I feel is right.

Had a dream about her last night. Had the sense that she was whoring herself out to people. Not going to bother listing out the details of all this, other than to feel this sense of betrayal and distrust. Not the first time I've had a time like this about her. Where she cheats on me, and justifies it somehow.

Well.

Life goes on.

The journey continues.

Mandela effect.

The Life I'm Working For

It's been almost a week since I last posted, and as usual, the rollercoaster climbs and dips on its way to an unseen destination. Well, perhaps not unseen if you would be willing to use death as an ending point, but that is too morbid to acknowledge.

So, nothing really happened with Fola and Amway. She didn't exchange any numbers, and didn't offer much in the way of details. We made up, and I really don't care anymore what she does.

I think it's ridiculous how easily we make up. There was a shouting match we had over the phone on Friday when I texted her this long message about how I felt and what I was thinking about. She was angry at what I thought were valid concerns of mine, and I stood my ground, yelling over her diversionary tactics and shifting of blame. She then texted me after the conversation, "I really want o fuck you right now."

Ridiculous. I can see where this is going with us. She is enthralled by whenever I step into my power and speak the honest truth of my heart. I can see why that is. I can see why that would be an aphrodisiac.

It was another good weekend with us. Sex twice in one day. She had weed, and I didn't. Had a bath, watched Ghost in the Shell which wasn't very good. An episode of Black Mirror. Did a bit of Reiki together.

And last night, I have to give her credit for getting me out of my comfort zone. There was a Reiki share event going on, where you would show up and give Reiki to a stranger and receive the same from them. It was interesting. I thought it went well.

There was this blond lady that I looked at as we were pairing and had the urge to ask if she was willing to give and receive. She smiled and looked at me saying yes, and so we did.

In the hallway before we entered each of our rooms, Fola said to me that she wanted to do an hour long session, giving and getting, for a total of two hours. I was aghast. For an inexperienced Reiki practioner of Reiki, I had no idea how I was going to make it to the half hour mark, let alone an entire hour. I was annoyed with her immediately, thinking how inconsiderate she was for me to have to be in here this long when she initially told me it would be a half hour giving/receiving.

Thankfully, my partner didn't want the full hour either, and we settled on 45 minutes.

Still, man. 45 minutes is a long freakin' time for someone who at most, did Reiki for a half hour with his girlfriend. In an unorthodox way.

We go into the room, and immediately she asks me to lie down. I spent the first twenty minutes or so fighting off these negative emotions I was having about Fola and how she didn't think to consider that I was going to be stuck there for a half hour after I'm done without my car or my vape or any way to kill time.

There was this classical cd playing also, that I found annoying. It was bright and jumpy and totally not conducive to a relaxing experience. I wish I had selected a better CD instead of hitting play on what was already in there. Oh well.

The lady did her thing, and I was intimidated by how many different positions she was using. She moved her hands around six times on just my head alone. I was trying to keep track of which ones they were so I could duplicate them on her when it would be my turn. Spent those first twenty minutes not in a relaxed state at all, but in annoyance at the music, Fola, and feeling nervous.

As I said, twenty minutes in had me finally relaxing and I.. just realized that this was not the way to be thinking or feeling during a moment like this. There was no reason for me not to be able to let everything go and surrender, so I did my best to try to not dwell on those negative emotions.

It was nice. Her hands were hot and I was surprised at how good it felt when she cupped my ears at one point. Thinking that maybe it will benefit my hearing somewhat. I know, a little naive, but Reiki is intended to be a healing modality after all. Hearing restoration/improvement is not outside the realm of possibility.

When it came to my turn, we put on a more interesting CD which had this lady making "ooh"ing sounds with some strings in the background. That was a huge improvement. I sat behind her, appealing towards the powers that be, to give this lady what she needed and to forgive my inexperience and nervousness.

That did the trick. I spent a lot of time on her head, just zoning out and thinking about random things. Not really thinking, but feeling, really. I envisioned the dog I would like to own someday. An English Sheepdog, and imagined it as a small puppy running around barking with its tail wagging. I thought about my little sister Samantha, who once looked at me with a smile and said that she loves me. I thought about the way Gina and I would smile at each other, and...

I then realized that I didn't have a lot of happy moments or thoughts to draw from, and it saddened me.

In writing this, a part of me wants to stop and forget about it. I don't really want to write. I can't explain why that is. My output has really dropped off significantly from how it was in the past where I would be excited about the novel I'm working on.

I can't help but think its because of my relationship that has shifted my energies from being creative and optimistic, to reserved and nervously cautious.

There is a part of me that thinks writing all this down is a waste of time. That it... there is nothing interesting being said because I didn't find the events of last night all that interesting. And... I have to admit that its tough to swallow. I miss how I was. How I...

Yeah. I feel this now. Words used to drip easily from my fingers and I would put them together in a way that I myself would enjoy reading, now I think I'm just killing time.

Watched a new video from Ralph Smart this morning about "instantly" finding your life purpose, and I realized that I haven't found it. Still haven't discovered it.

The points he was raising in the video was to do what you love and the money will follow. That's the overall arc of it. Surround yourself with supportive and loving people, and find work that you feel passionate about.

Easier said than done, Ralph.

I am fighting the urge to end this blog post. I don't want to write any further because I don't like what I am saying. I don't feel empowered or illuminated for having done this. It almost feels like I am mocking and holding myself in a bad light for having confessed thoughts that do not elevate or inspire or make me feel like I've made any progress in reporting. But there is progress. There is illumination.

Inspiration is up to me.

Well... I think I will end this short right now. I don't want to dig deep within myself to pull out the ugliness that I know is lurking in there. I don't need or want to confront it right this moment. I need to... come to terms with who I am and accept myself fully. Again. Repair the damage and come back to the way I was. A man in love with life, with who he is, and excited to be a part of the world.

It's the only way to be.

I have to figure out the type of life that I am working for.

Otherwise, I will suffer hard if I don't.

And...

I have many things to offer. Monetizing them is another matter.

And I know I will discover the solution. Somehow. Someday.

It will come to me in a flash, and I will run with it.

And Mr. Mugs will be mine.

Someday.

Spiritual Abuse

Hello blog, last post got cut off because Fola arrived at my place.

Those prayers of mine were answered. Compassion, Clarity, Wisdom, Strength and Sexuality; in more ways than I expected.

After she arrived, we sat down for a talk about my email. The one where I complained and expressed concerns about various subjects. The conversation went decent enough. I don't remember the details given that it has been a few days already since it took place.

What I do remember is the energy between us. There was something about how I was feeling and expressing that she strongly resonated with. We were sitting on the couch listening to music from her phone and I felt this... independence I suppose would be the word. This feeling that my energy is my own and that I was cautious and prudent with how it was being exchanged with her.

This attitude of mine really went the distance and created another new milestone for us. We were kissing, touching each other and it came to a point where she looked me in the eye asking if I was doing "sexual magic" which made me laugh inwardly as I thought about it and said, "yes, of course I am."

The funny thing about all that is that I did buy a book titled "The Art of Sexual Magic" by Margo Anand. Didn't get to read much beyond the beginning few pages where she discussed the history of magic, its definition and how she came about becoming an "expert" in the subject of sexual magic. Most interesting thing so far was how she isolated herself in a dark room with earplugs and nothing but water and grapes for seven days and nights straight. Crazy. Isolation to the extreme, but this apparently has given her the means to go inward and really learn things about herself. I can relate.

So when Fola was in the throes of an "energetic" orgasm with me, she asked that question and I realized that yes, I was doing magic. Not with any real technique, but from an intuitive standpoint I knew exactly what was going on. The best way I can describe it would be to imagine surfing a wave without having taken lessons in surfing and not knowing what to expect.

The rest of the night was a magical experience. Sex, of course, was had. The next day had her being "obsessed" with me.

Not a surprise given how incredible our evening was.

And so, today, I'm at another low point with her. There is so much strangeness with us. So much animosity (mostly on my part in the past while) that I cannot understand why I am so... upset with her. I mean, I can intellectually break down my concerns into pieces that seem valid and legitimate and can point to them as a reason for my being angry and annoyed; but that is not the whole story. To me, it almost feels like we have to be abusive towards each other. On this deep, primeval level that neither of us can properly articulate.

Yesterday things were... Okay, here is what happened. She invited me over for sex, basically, in the morning. After how incredible it was with us and her energy orgasm; I can see why she would be excited to have me over for more of the same.

But, here is the part that annoyed me. I was being used. There was little given to me that warranted my putting in the effort that I did on Sunday night with us. She had the expectation in her mind that something similar would happen, but did not think she had any responsibility for how it would turn out. That's the part that bugs me. Again, its hard to articulate, but the gist of it was that she wanted the same type of gratification I gave her on Sunday, but without having to make it worth my while.

I understand that this sounds like a condition, a demand, and while it wasn't consciously stated that I expected her to exchange something of value; it certainly was implicit in how I felt about the whole thing. I keep thinking that she doesn't "get" why certain things happen the way they do. To me, its simple, I helped make it happen. So does she. When she acts in a certain way, I feel compelled to act a certain way also. When she shows genuine appreciation for my efforts, things go up another level. When she takes me for granted, things get taken down a few notches and frustrates/annoys/irritates her.

It's the theme of our relationship. Give me something as valuable as I have been giving you, and more valuable things will follow. At least that is how I am looking at it. Treat me with me respect, appreciation and attempt to try and make me happy; and I will take you to levels of awareness and pleasure that you have never experienced before, and may never will.

I realize how pompous and immodest that all sounds, but its true. Last night I got upset with her for a number of reasons. Chief among them is that she is going to this Worldwide Group seminar/lecture/indoctrination/brainwashing, and asked me if I could look after her daughter Ivy while she goes. I didn't commit to that, and she knows how I feel about her walking into the lion's den to be propositioned towards and made to become a part of this inclusive community that is all about supporting each other's business efforts, which btw, is basically about recruiting more people so that they can...

Fuck, man. I don't need to get into details. It's Amway, basically. Worldwide Dreambuilders Group or whatever has its roots in MLM scammy B.S. where the 1% (diamonds) are making money while the 99% is hustling like mad to try to sell shitty products or to recruit others so they can climb the ladder and realize the dream of working from home, or not working at all, and enjoying "passive" income.

I... still don't want to get into details. Just thinking about it burns me up. Thinking that my girlfriend is this gullible, naive and ignorant partner, doesn't sit well with me. I told her I'd support whatever efforts she feels passionate and informed about; but she is NOT informed about any of this. Her parents were once involved with Amway and didn't do well. She mocked them at one point, for having inventory they were trying to unload that nobody wanted to buy. Some kind of portable anti-rape alarm device that makes a loud ass noise to scare away rapists.

I want to respect this woman, but I don't. I asked her if she googled this organization to learn more about how it works; she didn't. All she's done was watch these videos her friend sent her about how great it is to have passive income and that it makes sense to buy products from "your own store" rather than to spend money elsewhere. All kinds of garbage about how great Amway is and how it makes sense to start your own "business" and get others involved, that its the wave of the future and so much money is to be had, etc. Fola told me about how much she liked the salesman's "energy" in those videos and how it all made sense, etc.

Ugh. I can't handle this level of naive ignorance. I can't. I was involved with MLM reps before as my blog testifies. I can't respect people who go along with the idea thinking that their friends and family wouldn't mind being solicited and told to buy products from them, etc. Products that are often twice the price than they would be at retail, with equal or less quality than what is available in a brick and mortar store.

12 bucks for hand cream? That's a good deal? At half price I can buy something that is considered top-tier and is dermatologist recommended, etc. Why should I overpay for something of inferior quality? Why should anyone prefer to do so and how can money be made through commission fees if these are the products being offered?

The business model is basically a pyramid scheme. Except because that there are products, it skirts the legal definition of a scheme and becomes this winky "we're not really out to scam you" company that is, basically, all about taking advantage of others and instilling this cult-like mentality into its members. Teasing them with the dream of being wealthy and able to retire early in life.

It's a nice dream, but a naive one. At least as far as the approach they take, goes. When Fola was describing everything to me from how she was initially approached for this idea, to the seminar and the "mentorship" and the books; and.... fuck, man. I kept thinking that this is so TEXTBOOK brainwashing. The formula is being followed almost exactly like it has been with me, and that guy that lead me to Robin, and the other stories I read about on the net.

And she... doesn't respect my concerns about it at all.

And that's not all I got upset about with her. Over the phone, she was talking about how she doesn't know about us going to Cuba anymore. But she still wants to go. I...

God, it burns me up.

Not that I care so much about the trip, but the hypocrisy. The way she shifts the goalposts around and makes excuses and doesn't make the effort to go in the direction of us realizing something we agreed to be doing at a certain time/date.

Now that she has money (soon), she decided she's going to focus on being more responsible and less impulsive and...

Man it burns me up.. I hate typing this. Anyways, she triggered me with certain phrases. One of the was, "I want to spend more time with my daughter" and then hypocritically has someone watching her daughter while she impulsively and recklessly goes off to this Worldwide Group presentation. That's being responsible and spending time with your daughter?

Yeah, okay.

And there were other things that triggered me. How she said we make decisions together. We don't make decisions together. I brought up an example of how I was persuaded by a rational argument by her against my purchasing a particular item (a severely discounted alarm clock that monitors your sleep patterns/breathing/etc for ten bucks down from 50) and I made mention that this wasn't being reciprocated whenever I express a rational concern in the same way that she did with me. I was willing to be persuaded, she was and is not willing to be the same with me.

And that is another crux of our relationship. I'm the one that is trying to improve things with us. I do try. I buy flowers. I give her "energy" orgasms. I try and be rational and reasonable and caring and patient while she goes off and does whatever she feels like. There is no unity between us. When we set a goal for something like taking a trip and she doesn't live up to her end of the deal, it sucks. I can forgive an unseen obstacle that may delay or postpone a particular goal; but I can't forgive someone who strings me along with these expectations and dreams and then does nothing to act upon them. At some point plane tickets have to be purchased. At some point, arrangements have to be made for who will look after her daughter for three days while we're gone. She didn't take any of those steps. Didn't inform me as to whether or not she was saving money. I had to tell my parents who were waiting to go with us, that I had no idea what progress she was making as far as the trip goes. She wouldn't update me on anything. She didn't tell me she was trying to save money, to work extra overtime, to see if she can make arrangements for her daughter, etc. I had to basically tell my parents that I didn't know either if this trip was going to happen or not because I have been told nothing. And when nothing is being done on her end, then there is no way to plan ahead for something like this.

And... yeah. This isn't the only example of her creating false expectations in me. Agreeing to a trip in the middle of February and then not living up to her end of the agreement.

And.. other examples are coming to my mind like a plague of locusts waiting to be let out and I...

Hate writing about all this,

So, in a way this is spiritual abuse. Last night had me sending her a long text about how I pointed out the way she was making me feel and her hypocritical ways. Telling me she wants to spend more time with her daughter and then going to this event. Telling me to "trust" her, but still not paying me back from the trip we took to Arizona last year. Telling me that she is capable of rational and informed decisions, and then pulling a stunt like this and refusing to Google information about the Worldwide Group to see for herself what their standing is like, and what her chances of success would be if she decides to get involved with them.

So, yes. Spiritual abuse. It's like all the worst things I dislike, being made manifest by her. Ignorance, selfishness, naivete, and this... New Age goobleygook that she totally subscribes to. But changes her mind so frequently that there are no constant beliefs being held in her head or values adhered towards. One week she's infatuated with angels, the next week is about EFT or tapping, the next week some particular astrological configuration means she's going to act a certain way, another week it's Amway, another week she says she doesn't have the energy or time to commit to Amway, one week she gushes about us being in Cuba, the next week she again becomes ambivalent about when we could both be going, the week after...

Just goes on and on. I get stressed thinking about all this that the easiest thing to do is to stop caring.

And just to allow herself to go unchecked. Let her learn from her mistakes. But...

I want to battle ignorance. I can't stand hypocrites. Or selfishness.

One of the things I said in my text yesterday was to challenge her to take ten minutes a day to think of a particular person and write down three things that she could do to make them happy. Without the expectation of a reward.

All that shit was ignored, anyways. I had a hostile tone preceding that suggestion, so I'm none too surprised she swept it under the carpet.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that if this is indeed spiritual "abuse" that we are both perpetuating onto each other, I really should remove myself from this relationship altogether.

Except, I keep feeling like this is needed and necessary for the two of us to continue. That as ugly as some of our moments have been, that it is being balanced out by the ridiculous highs we've been experiencing.

It feels like this is important. That staying, is important. On some level, there is a lesson for the two of us to be learning. Or lessons.

As aggravated as I am, I know that I have the choice not to be. That I can let this all slide and not stress myself about it at all. Quite a challenge when you think about how she goads me along. Doing what she does and saying what she says, "I don't have to prove anything" when I asked her to prove that I can trust her, is not a response that is considerate or compassionately stated.

We're always proving ourselves. Through our actions, thoughts and behaviors; we're always proving things one way or another. Even being inactive is a form of demonstrable "proof" of a certain way of thinking or feeling or believing. She can say that she doesn't have to prove anything to me in order for me to trust her, but her actions provide proof just the same.

Still haven't been paid for what I'm owed. She still hasn't proven her willingness to make our relationship into a happy one.

And yeah, yesterday morning I went to her house for sex and it wasn't amazing. She started off saying that she has to leave by a certain time and that was the constraint. I had to please her and give her a sense of that energy we experienced on Sunday, and for what? For her gratification. She didn't cuddle after we were done, instead saying "I feel separated from you and I don't know why".

And of course, I have to be saddled with that negative statement. Like it was a problem I'm expected to solve or atone for.

Fuck that. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions and behavior. She'd rather offload it onto me by saying that she feels separated and doesn't know why. So I have to figure it out for her.

Ridiculous.

I explained later to her that she could've not said that until she was sure it needed to be said. She should have taken some time to examine why she felt that way before pushing a thought like that out her mouth. Not minutes after we've had sex. Why would that make me feel good? How would that improve the quality of our relationship?

How does a statement like that bring us closer together? It doesn't. It brings us farther apart.

I've had many negative things to say to her, and negative feelings and impressions she's responsible for, but I don't always speak them. I don't need to tell her "I feel that there is no depth to your soul" when that particular thought strikes me as I am looking into her eyes. She doesn't need to hear that, but she wouldn't hesitate in telling me this same thing should she be feeling that way, at that particular time. I'm sure she would say something like that, though she hasn't.

I think tact is missing from our relationship. We don't know how to communicate in a way that satisfactorily addresses our concerns without wounding our egos in the process.

I am to blame as much as she is, so I can't hold myself unaccountable and without anything to atone for. Sometimes I can't hold it in any longer, and smiling through my pain is not honoring the truth of who I am. So, it gets blurted out. I'm not always successful in keeping such negativity to myself once a long enough string of concerns gets linked together enough to cause me to want to purge all that garbage out.

Anyways, blog. She was out late last night and told me just that. I replied with indifference. She probably did exchange phone numbers with people there, and liked the "conference" enough to want to get involved with them. Now I'm going to have to accept that she is likely to continue on with this sort of thing. And there is nothing I can do about it but to impotently complain and vent my frustrations, and even that is tiring. I don't want to be an asshole, but she makes it so easy for me to become one.

And I don't like that. You would think that your partner is able to bring out the best in you, and yesterday morning had her saying just that after a long conversation at breakfast.

But, I decided to vent, for whatever reason, and so here we are again. In animosity towards one another.

I feel like my concerns aren't being addressed or acknowledged in any meaningful way. I feel like she needs to prove her trustworthiness and to earn respect, etc. She likely thinks that I am overly negative, and demanding and controlling.

And this is from a girl that told me more than a few times about how she wants me to abuse her. And how she has daddy issues, and wants to be dominated, etc.

So, what the fuck man? She can't have her cake and eat it too. Either she lets me take the reigns of this relationship and defers to my judgement, or she doesn't. Either we're equal, or one of us takes a leadership role.

Two people can't be driving the same car at once. I believe in letting her take the wheel once in a while, and I'm sure she would probably agree to the same.

But how we negotiate that? I don't know man. Discourse seems like a waste of time when nothing is being acted upon or compromised/sacrificed towards.

She'll only do things that are convenient and gratifying to herself. Not to others. She will complain about a particular decision after telling me she is okay with that decision. Our trip to a diner in Arizona is proof of that, as she was unhappy with my decision though she earlier said she is fine with my making the decisions.

Argh.

She is not making me into a better person in the way that I am feeling right now. But I know on a certain level, we are both making each other into better people. Through this abuse, we are learning and growing in the most painful of ways.

To her credit, she has changed quite a bit from when I first met her. But there is still some of that darkness lurking inside of her. And inside of myself.

Sometimes it gets amplified.

Sighs. Egos. Such bullshit.

Oh well.

Life goes on.

The New Tomorrow

Listening to Johnny Cash's "Live at San Quentin" on the turntable and I'm waiting for Fola to show up. She's already almost two hours late, saying she stopped at Marshall's. Didn't say what for or how long she'll be, but I almost regret telling her to take her time.

So, last night I prayed. And as usual, I asked for help. I was a bit more specific in what I wanted to have for today when meeting with Fola. Compassion, Clarity, Wisdom, Strength and Sexuality.

You may be wondering about that last one, but I do feel it is a part of the life force that animates us. When we are sexually aroused, I feel that it is a pooling of energy that has always been with us. Just re-distributed to our nether regions.

Baking some apples in the oven now. Brown sugar, cinnamon and a lot of butter. Hope these turn out well. They're about ready and I mistakenly thought that Fola would already be here before they are finished.

Well, God. Blog. Whoever and whatever is reading these words. Myself, included. I realized that I am one with everything as the cliche goes. There is no differentiation in the grand scheme of things where "everything is energy" as Fola likes to say. But, there are specifics. There are aspects. A drop of water may be wet, but a grain of sand is dry. Zoom in far enough with a microscope and you end up with basically nothing.

When I think about this (not so) absurd notion, I am having a hard time really believing it with the fullness of my being. I realize that a table is solid, but again, zoom in with a microscope enough and you have tiny particles separated by proportionally more space than there is substance.

And last night, I thought about God and myself being one and the same. That when I talk with Fola, I am in the most general of terms, speaking with myself. And for how it sometimes feel whenever I touch her; it truly does seem like another version of me.

But it's really hard to know what to do with this information. This knowing that separation is an illusion in the same way a table appears to be solid. I understand and believe this, but... I can feel the solidity of a table. I can see the difference when I look in the mirror and when I look at another human being.

The Uncertainity Resumes

Well, what a life. What a relationship I'm in.

My mother asked me on Valentines Day what I had planned with Fola and because we both weren't speaking to each other, I told her just that and how Fola didn't care for special occasions anyways.

So she told me I should message her anyways.

I didn't immediately do that, but I did. At around 11 (sighs) 11:11pm through email.

It was the second one I had written, the first one I deleted.

And... Well, it seemed pointless. I really listed out my gripes with the email I had gotten from her. I didn't hold back my feelings on how distant she was and how lacking in warmth she was, etc. I know, these are all shitty things to say on Valentines Day, but I couldn't help myself.

I spent all day wondering if I should hold my tongue and not speak, because I have nothing good to say. Thanks mom. For putting that thought in my head to contact her.

So the next day passes, and I looked at my email again. I thought it was negative and.. well, it was called for, but at the same time I didn't want Fola to have this... bad taste in her mouth, I suppose.

I decided to again write her an email, which.. somehow again got sent at 11:11 in the morning.

In that, I listed all the things I liked about her. Which was a bit difficult in some places, incomplete in others and really leaning on the past rather than the present.

That got a response. She wrote back saying.. Well, she wants to see me again.

So we started talking again. And up till now, that first email went unanswered. Even though I felt it was important for her to reply and tell me her thoughts on the points I was making. She still hasn't.

I... Don't know what I am doing. Do I want to continue with her? Can I trust her? Do I have faith in her, in us? Can we really go the distance? Will we become better people for being together? Can we rekindle the feelings that we felt in the first six months or so? Those crazy energies between us?

I don't know, man.

But there is a funny story in all of this. For as much grief as I give her for "wishing" things into existence; she impressed me.

I once made mention about the "I will have $5,000 of unexpected income in the next 30 days" that she had taped onto her mirror and was affirming each morning. Tuesday was the last day of that, I think and Fola had said "oh well, at least I tried".

Now, in case you are reading and thinking that she got what she wanted, I'll spoil the suspense and tell you that she didn't.

What happened was she contacted the agency responsible for giving out child support benefits, asking them where the benefits were being paid, because she believed her husband Larry was receiving them and he had told Fola that he didn't see any cheques.

So, talking to them revealed that they were sending these cheques out to her "old" address (I'm assuming the one with her husband? Strange how he didn't receive anything) and for whatever reason, the cheques weren't being cashed.

Fola was then told that she would be owed money for the total that was unclaimed. Now, previously I had asked her about this and she told me that she didn't "qualify" for child benefits because she made too much money. Apparently this is not true, and she did qualify and for whatever reason, did not inquire about the payments she was owed until now.

So they owed her money, and how much was it exactly? Less than $5,000 of course, but it was close. It was about $4,600 I believe it was.

I had to laugh when she was telling me this over the phone. She actually did get close to her goal of manifesting $5,000 worth of unexpected income in 30 days. On the last day, too.

I told her that if she could do it a second time, I would be 100% on board with whatever other crazy idea she has. And though she was excited telling me that she will be shooting for $10,000 next; I am not particularly confident in her being able to do so. I don't mean to be negative, but I believe she engineered this particular "manifestation" aided along earlier by myself and my mother.

I had asked her about child benefits, twice, I believe. And my mother had asked her weeks earlier about it as well. I'm sure that had it not been for us, the idea to inquire about it may not have entered her mind until later.

But, I can't say that I am unimpressed by all this. We may be able to go to Cuba after all. She's coming over tomorrow, and we'll see what the discussion turns out as.

She still owes me money, after all, and I wonder if this windfall of hers is going to have her pay me without my asking for it. If I have to ask for it... I'm going to be really disappointed in her. I believe she owes her sister money as well.

Anyways, I still feel like an idiot. I contacted her again. Didn't really put much pressure on her responding to my email, and now she's not going to respond. Leaving my concerns up in the air. Maybe tomorrow I will confront her again on what I had an issue with and see what she will say, but I really don't want to discuss it and bring up conflict.

I just want us to be happy. Somehow. Someway.

And I keep wondering just how little self-respect I have for myself. It must not be very much if I am still... letting this girl have her way with me.

And letting her... ideas and mood changes and astrology and tarot and "intuition" and all these random variables, control and dictate the flow and quality of our relationship.

I don't know, but I do know one thing is clear to me. I need to change. I need to become happy again on my own terms.

I can't expect this girl to be the one that will do it for me.

I can't expect her to really try at making me happy. I can't expect her to be there when I most need her.

I can't expect... loyalty or trust, either.

Or warmth.

Or respect.

And that is the painful part of this all. If I can't expect those things, then why am I continuing to interact with her?

Her sense of humor is dark. She likes seeing people fail or make fools of themselves. She rarely makes a joke that isn't sarcastic or at the expense of someone else.

I can't remember if she'd ever made me laugh in a way that had me feeling good afterwards.

And I struggle at times, to make her laugh. Not because I don't have a sense of humor, but because she doesn't respond well to it. She doesn't reciprocate or appreciate it much either, it seems.

My phone went off. New text from her. I am fairly certain that whenever I think or write about her, she has this hunch or urge about me. I am without surprise, as we've had our moments of telepathy and feeling each other at a distance before.

But it has been severely suppressed in the past few months.

I have a theory about that. About the lack of warmth in my chest area, in my head and the energies between us. My theory is that it was really... A mutual symbiosis. My strong feelings towards her were matched (somewhat) by strong feelings of her own; and that enabled those physical and energetic sensations to happen. At the same time, and I realize how immodest this may seem; I believe that I have to be taking the most amount of credit for this to happen due to the state of mind I was in, while with her.

I've been told I'm psychic, and though I don't quite feel that way, I do know that there is something odd about me that I can't quite put my finger on. A particular sort of sensitivity and connection that I sometimes am able to tap into. It's like I wear my soul on the outside of the body, and... this warmth and that feeling of energy, just naturally emanates whenever I am happy and confident and completely at ease with who and where I am.

I have had amazing sex before I met Fola. I've had... I've elevated a few girls that I was involved in previous relationships with. I don't mean to brag, but some of those girls did say that I've given them the best sex of their life, and I don't think I did anything particularly different than I have done with Fola.

Well, that's not entirely true. The sex Fola and I have had was the natural evolution of us being so comfortable with one another that it was easy to hit new plateaus and heights.

Had I been with Gina for a year, I think it would have approached the same quality that Fola and I have had around when we first started sleeping with one another. I think it would have been delayed, but because I was so crushed by being broken up with Gina; I resolved not to be fearful or worried in my next relationship. I unconsciously... embraced chance. I did not attach myself to a particular outcome. I was willing to receive whatever it was that the universe decided to give.

And the universe gave me Fola. For whatever reason.

Yesterday I was listening to a podcast from Inspire Nation. The host was interviewing his wife and discussing how they first met and how far they've come. I couldn't help but think about Fola and I, In the podcast, there was a lot of similarities between us, such as seeing "signs" that we were meant to be together, and this instant familarity, and the host and his wife also had these epic arguments and without those, he/she couldn't have grown as much as they did.

In short, they didn't have an easy relationship. They had a painful one that made them into better human beings.

I wonder if this is a possibility with Fola. If we can grow into what I was hearing on that show. A couple that laughed often and loved one another sincerely.

All I could think was, "I wish we could laugh as much as they do".

And we don't. I don't know... I think its important.

I... have to try something different with her, I think. I think... I don't know.. maybe I need to open up myself again. To let my guard down. To... stand in my power more.

To become attractive and interesting again.

But what sucks, is that it seems I am the one who is trying the hardest to save us. I don't like how one-sided this feels. For all I've done, I've been given scraps off the table in return.

I don't like it one bit.

But, what I am learning is something unique, it seems. It seems that with Fola, I have to learn to assert my dominance. To stand in my power. To ask for things that I want and need.

To have her respect me.

That appears, to me, to be the point of my having met her. On a cosmic/karmic level. The soul contract, perhaps.

The deal we've made before we incarnated.

That's my guess, and I am not sure if it is the correct one, but it feels that way to me. It feels like the path of least resistance.

Well, blog, how the bleep should I know what the whole point of this is. I don't feel connected to myself lately. I don't feel like writing much. I don't feel happy and excited to be alive and optimistic and filled with joy.

She doesn't inspire those feelings in me. Yeah, I suppose she does inspire me to write long blog entries about mostly negative things I am thinking; but, is that really all that I can expect? Is this all there really is of her?

I think there is a secret here, someplace. And once I figure out which key to put into what lock, the secret will reveal itself in the most "ah ha!" moment kind of way.

It will make sense at some point. Maybe not now, but eventually. Long as I believe that I can achieving something along the lines of whatever it is I am intended to do around her.

Or be.

Perhaps it is really simple. Maybe all this is about is to learn to stand in my power and have respect for myself. No matter what she throws at me.

And this makes sense in a way. It answers many questions.

But, I have to step it up. And not let this woman unravel me. Even if it feels like she already did.

Even if it feels like on a deeper, darker level, she is secretly enjoying my devolution into a shell of my former self. The man I was when I first met her is not the man I am now.

I am able to contain my anger, but I am losing my self-respect while doing so. Because I honestly believe that much of what we fought about, has a lot to do with her attitude towards us.

It is not the attitude, the words and the behavior of a woman in love with me.

Or a woman capable of loving, period.

Fola herself once wrote that she didn't know what love really was until she met me.

I believe she was being honest when she said that.

And...

Maybe she really does love me.

I don't know. I don't feel it. It's not the type of love that I expected.

But perhaps, it is the only type she is able to offer.

Until I can take her further. To show her more.

And to do that, I must go further with myself. And dig within. Unearth the gems that have sustained and nourished me over the years when I give myself over to the whims of my soul. To honor the voice that speaks from beyond the ego and from the heart.

If I can honor that. If I can sustain this love that I have for who I am...

Then...

I can always be guaranteed to be happy.

And perhaps my happiness will help inspire her to keep it going.

Perhaps.

Or maybe the test will continue, and I will have to grit my teeth all the way to the end.

Wherever that may be.

In death, or in marriage.

Or to whatever else may come to me next.

The uncertainty resumes.