The Silence Resumes

More of the same today. Didn't get any texts from her, didn't send her any myself.

Yesterday when she left, I had this text ready to be sent. This long detailed thing about how I objected to her saying I was in a bubble, and I didn't want to leave my comfort zone. I mentioned us meeting Justin and Nicole. I mentioned us going out twice that same week. I would've mentioned Five Alarm Funk had I decided to go back and revise it.

I told her that if she wants to invent fictitious reasons to be mad at me, that she needs to try harder.

Today I thought about adding Cuba to that list. I wanted to go. We agreed mid-February would be best. Did she save up for it? No. Instead, she's relying on magical thinking.

"I will have $5,000 of unexpected money appear within 30 days" scrawled on her mirror, is what I last remember of it.

I can undestand if she doesn't have the money. But what I can't understand is ...

Fuck it, it's not worth getting into. I want to talk about my day.

Got up this morning pretty early. Maybe around.. Okay, I didn't actually "get up" but I woke up at around 4:30am, feeling that awesome feeling between sleep and wakefulness. Knowing that I didn't have to get up on time for anything, I felt the warmth under the covers and the bit of light coming through the blinds. It was... it made me happy. Just laying there, feeling alive and groggy but alert, sleeping in small bursts here and there.

Decided to get up at around 8:30am. Checked the stock markets, two of my stocks had a decent gain to them. ATE and MPX. ICC ended going 0.6% below. Not a bad day of it, really. Far as money goes. Still hoping that Harvest One goes up past the 1.70 mark because I am frustrated with having to hold onto it while it barely moves.

It was an interesting morning. I didn't expect a text from Fola, and I felt... quite free. Like there was a cord that was cut-off. No real attachment to her. Just calm. Peace. There was a time later in the day that I choose to turn off the Do Not Disturb mode on my phone and risk the vibration of a notification coming through. I felt a bit of clutch in my chest thinking that I would get the buzz of a text from her, although I felt that was unlikely.

I ended up cleaning my office. Pretty happy about that because it was something I had been putting off for a few months now. Not completely finished with it, but I chucked a lot of papers out into the recycling bin and organized other ones.

Put some books away. Played a little bit of Battlefront. Took a bath. Read some of Dr. Peterson's new book. The chapter on disciplining children was the one I completed.

"Do not allow your children to do anything that makes you think less of them."

That was one quote. The rest of it had to deal with how to reward and punish a child. Peterson talked about 2 and 3 year olds and I immediately thought of Fola's daughter Ivy. Wondering how I would deal with her if I was in a situation that demanded my intervention.

The other points I remember... Hmm.. I liked Peterson's story about how he had to put a troublesome child to sleep (which wasn't his) and he kept using repetition. The child would cry, angrily, and Peterson would simply pick the child up and gently place it down in the crib. But the boy would stand up again and start crying. So he kept picking up the child and placing him down. At around the tenth attempt with the child still standing up and crying, Peterson held him down gently until the child stopped squirming and was about to sleep.

As he tip-toed out the room, the boy stood up again and this caused Peterson to freeze in his tracks, glare at the child and point a finger in his direction. That was all that needed to be done. The child laid back down and there was no further disruption from him throughout the night.

Peterson weaves scientific data and philosophic justifications into his stories which I really appreciated. I began wondering if reward and punishment is a system that applies not just to young children, but to adults, and I briefly thought about Fola.

Conditioning her behavior.

I don't like the sound of having to do that. It's manipulative and underhanded, but I can't deny that perhaps it is completely necessary. And then I thought about what type of person she is. She craves discipline and order and punishment. She really does. And if I don't stand up to her injustice, then she will carry on. Worse than before, until I finally react.

Which is... kind of the opposite of what I am doing now. Not reacting at all. Like I said, I had my finger hovering over the send button of that text but decided against it.

Decided that it wasn't worth it.

Maybe more specifically, decided that she wasn't worth it.

And that is a sad thought to have.

Except that I wasn't sad. I think...

I don't know. Is this me being mature? Do I have to confront her? I'd rather not bother. If I have nothing nice to say to her, then I shouldn't say anything at all.

And she has given me little reason lately to be nice towards her. And I have.

I've been far too nice to her over the course of our relationship.

I'm pretty darn sure that she is going to run with the "in a bubble, anti-social, etc" b.s. that she tried to push onto me. I'm pretty darn sure that she is locked into that mindset and is going to be telling her friends and family about how anti-social I am and reluctant to engage with her in social settings.

That part is half-true, actually. I am reluctant to engage with her in a social setting, because I don't like hanging out with some unpredictable, distant, dead-eyed corpse of a human being. I don't want to have her in my place alone, let alone be at her place or any other place if that is how she is going to be behaving towards me.

She just doesn't get that.

And I didn't mention it. Wish I did, but at the same time, I am so tired of having to explain these things to someone who claims to be "warm" and "intuitive" and has "empathy" for others even if she doesn't know how to properly define the word itself.

She should know better.

After a year, she should know me well enough.

But she has trouble with memory, I suppose. She doesn't remember specifics. Doesn't care to act on any of those specifics, either. Doesn't matter if we've had the same argument a dozen of times and discussed it in a half a million ways. She won't remember it a week from now.

If she wanted to make me happy, she would. If she wanted to have a harmonious and healthy relationship, we would be in one.

In a year, she's worn lingerie once and baked me scones twice. Knowing how much I like both.

That's the extent, really, of how much she's tried to make me happy during the course of our relationship. Never mind that one week in November during my birthday. Pretentious anomaly.

I don't care to list all the things I've done for her.

It's not a numbers game, but after a while, it becomes evident at how lop-sided of an effort I am making in proportion to her own.

Ridiculous, really.

Anyways, tangent aside, I had a good day. Didn't leave the house, but things were productive.

I even was surprised later on with a text from Kyle about how they will be shipping my tools and boots back from my last job. Took long enough. Didn't think I'd ever see them again.

Yeah, so I am still finding myself. Tried to write an article on Medium about the dangers of spiritual addiction and having to choose between being spiritual and being rich, because most religions don't seem to think they can co-exist. I ended up writing a page and a half before getting bored with the concept.

Truthfully, I really didn't care about that question.

I don't know if it is true that you can be spiritual and close to God and also be wealthy, because not only does the Bible advise against it ("easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter heaven") but also because I don't want to lose sight of God. To lose connection with my soul.

And I realize, also, that Fola played a large part in diverting my spirituality. I didn't seriously think about becoming wealthy and prosperous until I met her and felt motivated by her dream of us travelling the world together and living in a nice house on an acreage or by water, etc. I began to naively think that I could now forget about having to find love, and could now focus on creating a grander life for the two of us.

But...

I don't...

Know if that is going to happen. Or if it is right. Or meant to be.

It is certainly possible, but perhaps not probable.

Although I do often affirm to myself that I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity, so that I can benefit my life as well as the lives of others.

And I would love to live on an acreage. Near water. With a dog. Travelling the world.

And being in love.

But, I don't really feel like I've found love.

Not yet.

So...

I'm not sure what I can do from here other than to focus on myself.

And try to figure out what my next move should be.

I don't want to insulate. I don't much feel like writing, either.

But...

Yeah...

I still believe in you God. In us. The two of us can move mountains.

I don't need anybody else. Although I would like to have somebody.

You know how true this is when you look into my heart.

And I know the same of you, when I look into yours.

We both want the same things for each other.

Happiness.

Love.

Truth.

Justice.

Beauty.

And I'm.. patiently waiting for an answer. For a path. For a clue.

A coincidence.

A sign.

Help me to help you, God.

It is all I ever wanted to do.

I stand in the light.

Awaiting your orders.

Darkness Once More

I don't love her.

I don't want to love her.

Fuck.

Cold, distant. Irresponsible. Irrational.

Called her out on being cold and distant...

"I don't feel that way"

Of course nobody wants to be called cold or distant, even when they know they are.

Last night had her crying for a short minute and saying that she felt apart from me. Asked her why, "I don't know" and then she spends the morning writing pages in her journal about whatever that likely is.

But doesn't share it with me.

"I don't know"

I'm tired of her. She accused me of not going outside my comfort zone because I don't want to go to some Reiki thing with her. Accused me of wanting to stay inside my home and not go out and experience things. Didn't think mentioning us having gone "out" the day before, or three days before or last week with Justin and Nicole for dinner; would have made any difference to her accusations.

Neither would reminding her that I was going to get tickets for us to go see Five Alarm Funk in a few weeks,

This woman... girl, is driving me insane. I have been thinking today about the good qualities in her that I appreciate seeing, and I am honestly finding it harder and harder to understand what they might be.

Sex? Sure, it's great when its done passionately and I don't have to fight for having it.

Conversation? Also great, when we can keep it respectful and not have her put up a wall whenever a touchy or inflammatory subject comes up. Like her joining Amway. Or thinking about it.

The more I think about her, the more I realize that she is unwell. Two days ago after our Amway fight, she shows up at my house in the morning unannounced saying that she is willing to "talk". This was after the day before where she sent me two YouTube videos about how she thinks she has a victim mentality. The premise being is that she invites abuse and blames other people for her issues. I agreed with that, but days later, there was no attempt at her rectifying this self-diagnosis of hers. No "I'm sorry" no effort put forward to show that she was sincere about addressing this problem of hers.

Just another one of these things that she watches and forgets within a day. Just like it is with her reading and studying about Reiki, NLP, hypnosis, energy healing or whatever other subject she is currently infatuated with. Much of it is "forgotten" sometimes within hours after having been exposed to the material. I know this because I asked her questions about what new things she's learned, given that I am interested in knowing more about those subjects as well.

I no longer ask her these questions as often. Mainly because she gives such a general non-informative response, that it is a fruitless line of inquiry. About on par with saying "good" each and every time I ask her how a particular thing is going. "Good." full-stop.

No further explanation.

No truthful or detailed response.

On the other hand, she can go for long periods of time telling me about some lawyer she met who has great energy and wears a particular type of tie and how she wants to have dinner with him (pauses for effect) and his wife.

She's not interesting if she can't remember what she's learned or is unwilling to share the details with me. I'm reminded of several arguments where I've asked her how something is going and get hardly anything worth thinking or conversing about in response.

She's not responsible, either. Takes frequent days off of work. Neglects to take stock of her finances. Claims we will be going to Cuba this month, but doesn't save any money up for it. Still owes me money from our last trip to Arizona. Doesn't want to put in that effort to make it happen and is instead relying on law of attraction stuff.

Not interesting, not responsible, not reasonable either. I can't have a rational argument without risking her spinning it around onto me. Like I am at fault for her being upset that I was upset that she asked me what I wanted for dinner once, and said that my suggestion was "boring" and didn't text with anything further. She would not admit fault for the way she behaved there, and squirmed around grasping at straws when I called her out on that in person. First she said ...

Man.. it just boils my blood thinking about it. Depresses me too. I don't want to get into the details. It's so immature. So petty.

And I can't seem to handle it. For three days now whenever I'd see her, she wouldn't give me a decent hug. Just this weak thing with a short two pats on the back and disengage. Doesn't understand or appreciate the value of physical closeness when used to heal emotional wounds and to resolve differences. Doesn't understand or appreciate how much I need to feel close to my partner, both physically and emotionally.

She shot me down for sex last night and this morning. Like it was a chore. Never mind that I was giving her whatever she wanted and the best orgasms of her life, etc.

I sound like such a child while writing all this. I hate it. I sound like a boy and not a man who has self-respect enough to move on to someone else rather than put up with this... thing... that is oblivious to reason, cannot really love, fakes compassion, is not sincere, not thoughtful, not kind, not motivated to work at a relationship or to work in general and subscribes to magical thinking on a level that eclipses rational thought altogether. There is no rational thought. There is no depth in her soul

I remember last night when I looked into her eyes thinking just that. There is no depth there. There might have been at one point, but... maybe not anymore. Or maybe its hidden.

This epiphany was arrived at shortly after we had a back and forth about how she thinks there is no such thing as "good" or "bad".

"Well, what about doctors? They have to make that judgement call. They can't give a patient suffering from distress a box of Smarties. They have to make a decision as to the best course of treatment for them."

And instead she argues that yes, maybe the Smarties would be a better fit. Who knows?

We didn't discuss Smarties specifically, but I am using the exaggeration to point out how she was being absurdist beyond belief.

I tried to have a rational argument about her daughter Ivy, walking too close to a cliff. I tried to use this analogy to Amway, saying that if I know there was danger there and she didn't, wouldn't it be responsible of me to warn her about it? Rather than keep my mouth shut about Amway like she wants me to? To keep my skepticism at bay and let her go ahead making the mistake to know that I was right all along?

I don't want to be "right" all along. I want my opinion to be respected. I want to hear a rational argument from her side about why she is going along with this. Not a "I don't know" when I ask why she is going along with this. I want reasons. Descriptive ones. They don't even have to be ones I agree with. But reasons to help me understand what exactly is she expecting to come of all this.

Yesterday she flipped the Amway thing back on me by saying "yeah, I don't have the time and energy to devote myself to this blah blah" and in the morning tells me that she'd like us to go to some conference related to this Amway BS that her friend has told her about. It's like she's agreeing with me and not agreeing with me. And this was after I told her to not get me involved in this scammy idea of hers. Even after I told her step-by-step that she would be invited to a presentation after reading two particular books that these groups snare people in with.

But, she believes deeply in the law of attraction and how everything happens for a reason and thinks that there is something important waiting for her at the end of the Amway rainbow. Maybe not even Amway itself, but someone she will meet at the conference, etc.

Such a flake... I mean, I understand where she is coming from, but I told her that it is impossible to chase down every opportunity and possibility in the way she was suggesting she should. Like, "oh, I got a phone call from someone about my having won a free vacation. I just have to show up for a seminar." and she would jump at that opportunity. Or if someone...

Man... boiling my blood as I type this.

And.. I turned my phone off hours ago. Well, put it on do not disturb and left it upstairs. But I had a bath in the dark and laid in bed afterwards to meditate.

It felt really good. I felt cleared. In the bathtub I was looking at videos on Twin Flames again, seeing if I have missed something. Checking the signs of the false Twin Flame, and seeing if I missed anything there as well.

I don't know man. People are divided on how to categorize either. Or whether either of these things exist at all.

I believe they do. I can honestly believe her to be a false twin flame just because I can't see how she will reverse herself. Since she cut her hair, she's been becoming more masculine around me. More irrational. More... cynical and closed-off. And I don't appreciate the way she smirks at me at random times. Like just before she left my house this morning and I told her how I didn't think I would be going over to her place for dinner on Tuesday. That little smirk came after the argument concluded in which she told me her "feelings" about how I am shutting myself up in a bubble, not wanting to leave the house.

That smirk says it all. And the way she looked at herself in the mirror while putting on her sunglasses. Another sly smirk there. Disgusting to see her vanity and pride on display like that. No humility. Sometimes she tells me she looks "good" in a way that suggests she's special and deserves extra attention/preferential treatment just because... Just because.

I think I've inflated her ego over the course of our relationship. Made her feel too good and secure with me. Whenever she was insecure, I would take my time to explain how her feelings were without merit. I didn't want to be with anyone else, and if I did, I would tell her since she was interested in having a threesome. I told her I loved her and that our connection was unique, etc. Stuff that I really didn't need to say because she makes it a point to remind me that she "knows" that I love her.

/insert sly smirk

But when the shoe is on the other foot and I need reassurance; Fola is nowhere to be fucking found. She'll dismiss it with a "you'll have to examine yourself as to why you feel that way" or will change the subject or run away from a particularly tough confrontation in which she will absolutely refuse to placate me in a way that is meaningful and necessary for the health of our relationship.

Necessary for me to have trust in her. Which is another issue of ours. I don't trust her. She wouldn't water my plants on time like she promised while I was away up north for work. Didn't carry through on most of her promises, such as paying me back, or wanting to please me, or whatever thing she tells me that makes me think I can leave something in her hands and not have to worry about whether or not she will execute on whatever it is she promised to do.

Because she rarely ever follows through on her promises.

And the tone of her texts..

Fuck, man... Sounds like one thing, but in person it's completely different. Excited to see me and to have me come over she'll text, and then look all dead and dull and distant when I arrive.

This woman.. is unteachable. I can't reach her by reason. And I am doubly insulted whenever I present a carefully constructed argument that she ignores or takes offense towards, only to have her repeating some of my talking points a few months, weeks or even days later. Like it was her own idea.

And that I had nothing to do with yet another mind-change of hers.

No credit. No...

Respect.

I'm... I don't respect her either. Lost respect for her long before she did.

I can't respect someone so flaky and selfish and oblivious to the effect her actions and lack-of all contribute to the friction and arguments we've been having. She is not wanting a good relationship for us. No matter how obvious our chemistry was and how we've previously demonstrated it towards another.

It's all forgotten. There's nothing for her to "work" at because she feels there shouldn't be any effort given. To her, its not her job to make me happy. But apparently its my job to make her happy. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually... socially.

Because if I don't try, then this whole thing goes up in flames. If I stop trying, it creates a cycle of negativity. Just like we are experiencing right now. I am not giving any fucks about her and this causes her to be "distant" where she "doesn't know" why she feels that way.

No introspection. Little empathy.

Always the victim.

Always blaming someone else.

And I am ultimately insulted by the fact that she thinks its her purpose in life to become a "great healer" and that someday she will have books written about her.

"Who's going to write your book?" I once asked.

"You." she replied. Seemingly with seriousness.

As if her life story would be interesting enough for people to want to read about.

The great healer part bugs me terribly. I consider myself compassionate, and even I am reluctant about my ability to ease the suffering of others. Particularly those that are on their death beds, which is what Fola is aiming to do. She wants to be by the side of people who die.

Why?

Because she's curious to see how it is.

And thinks she's a great healer.

But has little empathy or compassion or sensitivity about her.

Just a leaf flying around on the wind. Blowing this way and that. No sense of agency because she refuses to accept personal responsibility for the way her life turns out. Instead, she would rather be ruled by destiny. To have destiny shape her, rather than to shape it on her own.

And I completely am not on board with this kind of laziness.

This kind of naivete.

This kind of "magical thinking".

She got punched by someone a few days ago and I jokingly asked her how she managed to "attract" that to her, since she's so convinced by the law of attraction that even a starving 2-year old child in Africa has somehow "attracted" being an orphan and on the brink of death.

She actually took my question seriously and tried to explain that she was somewhat "fearful" around this woman, and that prompted the attack.

If only she was more courageous. She would not have attracted the assault.

Straight face.

Took three days off work because of it.

How can I respect a woman like this? She was laughing while telling me this story in person, and then got upset that I thought it wasn't as big a deal as she suggested it was in text.

God damn it.

I deserve better.

I am hard of hearing. I am... unsure of my ultimate purpose in this world. I am... I'm not perfect.

I have flaws.

But not enough to make me feel that she is the best I can do.

I remember Georgina.

I remember what a good woman she was.

I remember how I could trust her. Confide in her. Feel secure in knowing that she was mentally stable and responsible and willing to please and go the extra distance and ...

I've learned from that experience.

I will never take a good woman for granted again.

But...

Fuck.

I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Georgina, either.

God help me.

I...

I must never make the same mistake.

I've seen heaven and hell.

And I want heaven.

I want goodness in my life.

I want light.

Not darkness.

Not her.

Unless...

Fuck...

Unless she somehow changes.

Or I do.

But I have little faith in her changing.

I've seen too much.

She's given me little reason to believe.

And...

I must now...

Stop.

Stand up.

Shoulders back.

Spine straight.

Look ahead.

Stay focused.

And remain in my power.

No matter what may happen next.

God help me.

I want to serve.

I will serve. I will share my gifts with the world somehow.

Even before meeting Fola, I've seen too much.

Too much of things that she'll never get to see.

And I ...

Must not choose to be on the side of evil.

Even if she thinks there is no such thing.

And that, perhaps, is the greatest lie there can ever be.

I will fight it.

Fuck...

Hi blog. Me again.

Yeah, so the title of today's post is "fuck..." why that is... well, it seems to capture the general sentiment I have going on with me at the moment.

Fola today.. Yep. Fola again. More Fola talk.

Today we got into an argument over her getting involved in Amway. Prior to this the night before, she mentioned this "business" that a friend of hers is involved with. I asked if she got the details on how it works, she says yes. I ask her if its Amway, she dodges it for a bit and then says yes, it's Amway.

...

Amway. This all took place after I told her about my experience with Amway. With Tyler who I met in the Fort in the summer. With the one girl I dated who insisted that her partner be as involved in her Amway business as she was. 

I've done my research into them. Their products are brands I don't recognize at prices often double what you can find locally on the shelf.

It doesn't even seem like the products matter as much as the "selling" of the idea itself. To own your home business, to earn "passive" income and my research yielded all kinds of statistics and anecdotes that pretty well turns Amway into "Scam"Way.

A few days ago when Fola first got "solicited" for this, she sent me a link to a website of her friend where there were four audio files and one video file. I clicked the video and right away I smelled fraud. The narrator didn't get into the nuts and bolts of the business, but rather appealed to emotions and "you don't want to work your shitty job. Take control of your life! Be rich! Earn passive income! Think of your family!" etc.

And when Fola mentioned this book that her friend suggested she read, I was none too surprised to find out that it was "Business of the 21st Century" by Robert Kiyosaki.

Shock, awe. Yeah. I've read this. I've been solicited before. More than once.

What bothers me is that despite my having told all this to Fola BEFORE she was propositioned, she still is going along with it. When I asked her today if she plans on going ahead with them, she says "I don't know" like she was undecided.

I felt insulted. It didn't matter what I told her about Amway in the past or the present, she still is considering doing it. No real rational argument given from her end of things. Other than telling me how the salesguy (in the link she sent me) was intense and enthusiastic and that she liked his energy.

Okay. So you liked the sales pitch. Are you going to let that override your common sense? 

Are you going to forget everything I've said about Amway? Are you going to research it and find out for yourself how much of a scam the business model is? About how hard you would have to work to get to the top 1% of people who actually are making more than a few bucks a month?

Are you really going to be that annoying person who pesters everyone she knows to buy products from her website? Products that nobody in their right mind would be willing to spend double the retail value of?

Are you really going to make a decent living with this? Even a semi-decent "passive" income?

All signs point to no.

So I felt really insulted by this. Last night she said she would tell me more about this today, so I asked and then she shut me down with "I don't want to talk about it".

I... I'm pretty insulted. A few months ago I made mention that she should get a good picture of her finances and budget. She acknowledged it was a good idea, but didn't do anything since.

Except yesterday her friend says the same thing to her and now she's all interested in budgeting and cleaning up her finances. I kept thinking that she doesn't respect my opinion and also, that Tyler had the same thing happen to him with Robin. Clean up your finances. Read these books. Sign up. Start a website. Recruit people.

Same bullshit over and over.

And she's buying it hook line and sinker.

I.. don't aim to control her. I told her to not let me discourage her from a business opportunity that she wants to pursue; but at the same time I'm disgusted that she thinks THIS opportunity is a good idea. Even if she "doesn't know" whether or not she will sign up with Amway.

It's the "I don't know" part that bothers me. Thats not an answer. An answer is more like explaining what her interest is, knowing how much her friend makes (numbers) and coming to an understanding of the mechanics and profitability involved. Not, "I don't know" and leave it in the air knowing my strong stance on this subject. Knowing how bad it is doesn't seem to deter her. Worse yet, is knowing that my opinion doesn't seem to matter.

I don't know blog (there's that I don't know). This woman.. is difficult to negotiate with. Any kind of conflict almost invariably has her turning the finger back at me and saying that I am responsible for whatever the problem is. That I should "ask myself" what it is that I feel so strongly about when I voice concern about her signing up for a scummy business model.

Why should I have to explain that? Isn't it obvious? 

Why should I have to look inward? Why does she think she can do whatever it is she wants and whenever I voice concern about a particular thing, then I have to turn inward as to why I am upset about her spending three hours at some guy's place she hardly knows, saying she thought he may have drugged her water and that it's okay to ditch me that evening when I needed her most. When I was sad and feeling neglected.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I hate talking about this. I hate thinking about this. I am not bothering to present a lucid and detailed analysis of all this. I've been ignoring her texts after I left her house early today. She sent me two videos on "victim mentality" which she thinks is something she's afflicted with.

I am all too mindful of her often saying "if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it" so I didn't respond to those texts. She didn't ask for my opinion. And even if she did, she doesn't respect it anyways.

That is all on top of my coming to her place today and seeing the dead and dull look in her eyes when I came inside. No hugs or hello or kiss or touching or anything. The first thing I noticed sitting down next to her on the couch was those eyes. No light was shining in them at all.

It was like the opposite of that cliche: "the lights are on but nobody's home"

In her case, the lights were off and she certainly was home.

She was present inside her body ,but her spirit was elsewhere.

I don't feel loved by this woman. Her personality swings, her volatility. Her lack of integrity and sincerity and lack of personal responsibility and... cold and distant and stubborn and disrespectful and...

Fuck man.

She still owes me money from last year. That's the no responsiblity part. She wants to go to Cuba and I would happily lend her the money if I knew she would do whatever it takes to pay it back in a reasonable amount of time.

But she's not responsible enough to do so. Almost a year now. Just the one time she showed up with 50 bucks.

Not considerate. Doesn't care that this wedge exists between us and won't put her mind to working that one extra day of overtime to pay it off.

Evidently she has no respect for me. I have to accept that.

She's impulsive and emotional and damaged. I have to accept that as well.

Yesterday she was over and the sex.. fuck, man... Yeah, good sex but... she really wants that degrading humilating style of it. She wants to feel used. She enjoys being pissed on. Slapped. Insulted. Treated like a whore.

And I've been obliging to a certain extent. Thinking its a harmless fantasy. Maybe its not. Maybe I am normalizing deviant behavior when I really shouldn't.

I'm flexible. I'm considerate. I will give my partner whatever they want in bed. To the best of my ability.

And... 

This... Writing about all this just makes me more angrier and sadder.

She's in my thoughts at the moment. I know I'm ignoring her message. She knows I'm ignoring it. She knows I'm thinking about her. I know that she knows that I know that I am thinking about her.

Such an insidious game.

We have a serious communication problem. Few days ago she tells me she was assaulted at work, that one of her clients hit her and she's okay. When I asked what she needed, she said she needed love.

So... With that message in mind, I went to Wok Box to get her supper. She didn't ask and I wanted to treat her right and to cheer her up. Bought her a chai latte as well.

She shows up but sits in my driveway for over 20 minutes. I get a text saying that she's in the driveway on the phone. I assume she's talking to people at work about the incident or whoever has to be talked to about the incident.

I tried not to jump to any conclusions. All I knew was that she was assaulted and that she's okay. 

And that she was sitting in my driveway for a long ass time on the phone.

She comes in and... fuck, man. Tells me the story but LAUGHS and SMILES throughout the whole thing. Like it's this unimportant event that she isn't the least bit traumatized over.

Halfway through I tell her that the tone of her story and her texts do not match up with one another. Told her I had the wrong impression all together and that I'm glad it wasn't as serious as my imagination was making it out to be.

Well, she gets upset at that. Tells me it is serious and that she wished I was more sympathetic towards her and that I would show her more empathy as she's sitting there eating the things I went out to buy her and sipping the latte.

What the fuck, man? I tried. I fucking tried.

Fuck...

Communication problem.

Tells me one thing and does another. Last night was "I'll tell you the details tomorrow" as far as the "business" goes. Tomorrow is today and I ask about it and get a "I don't know" and a "I don't want to talk about it" after that.

When she doubted her ever saying that she will talk to me about this "tomorrow" I had to show her the text. She then decides to take a different approach and instead of accepting responsibility, says she "changed her mind" as far as talking about this "business" goes.

How am I supposed to negotiate any future conflicts with a woman like this?

Jordan Peterson in his infinite wisdom had a video about choosing the ideal mate. "Find someone you can negotiate a future with" ... Well, I don't think it's Fola.

She's so difficult to negotiate with. Not reasonable or rational. 

Rarely apologies. Rarely takes responsibility, and when she does, things go back to the way they were anyways. Change doesn't stick. And I still don't feel like she goes the extra mile to make me feel appreciated or loved. Still haven't seen her in lingerie since November. Still haven't seen a scone since then either. 

Rare that I've seen her smile and hug and kiss me whenever we greet one another.

Rare.

By that, I mean I often take initiative. It's rare for her to do so.

No surprise given how it was when we first met. We fought about how she didn't want to hug, and she blamed it on not being comfortable with public displays of affection.

This relationship sucks, man.

It sucks and... I don't want it to be that way.

Where's the give and take? Too much taking on her part. When she's in a sullen mood, I'll try to do something. I'll massage her feet. Her shoulders. Give her a kiss. Say something kind. Ask her questions about her day. 

Even when I don't feel like it, I still try.

And with her.. I rarely get any of that back. A few days ago I needed time to myself and to have my space. So I didn't text her much. She gets upset and thinks that I'm with another woman. So I explain everything in detail about how I need my time and why would I be with anyone else when I have her, and all these things to put her at ease.

But she doesn't do the same. She doesn't reciprocate even a 1/4 of the amount that I give her.

Few days ago in the morning she starts talking about this lawyer guy with this great energy who she wants to have dinner with (and his wife). Her words were "I want to have dinner with this guy..." and then in a bit of a pause added, "and his wife".

Note the way she says these things. First, she says "I" rather than "we" and this was the first thing she said to me in the morning as I came downstairs.. this detailed story about this lawyer and how he acts and the pen she uses and the tie he wears and blah blah blah. All these unasked for details that do not interest me in the slightest, but when it comes to something actually important like details on this Amway business, she doesn't want to talk about it. Hardly any details at all with that.

Hardly any details on her being assaulted prior to her coming to my place. Her "solution" to the argument that took place about the tonal mis-match was to tell me that from now on she isn't going to say anything about stuff like that, and will instead wait to tell me about it in person.

That's not really the solution I was hoping for, or think is the best.

There's...

Man...

Sighs.

Oh, God.

God.

I miss being connected with you. I feel so cut-off. Like I am alone and consorting with evil. This woman who wants to be abused. Who takes delight in emotionally abusing me and taking me for granted and making me feel guilty when I don't pay her enough attention or when I raise objections over some of the things she does and says. Talking about how great the "energy" is of some guy; or how she's been "visualizing" us going to Cuba, rather than taking responsibility and saving money for the trip like I have been telling her to do a month ago. 

She really is in her own world. Fantasy land. Law of attraction is going to somehow give her "5,000 of unexpected income within the next 30 days" according to the piece of paper she taped to her mirror upstairs that I saw today. 

And that paper was there for weeks, already.

Is it going to happen? It could. Will it? Likely not.

Likely not.

But she's counting on that more than she's counting on herself.

She's marginalizing her own power. She's not acting on her desires, but is instead being blown about by her impulses. What she says and feels and does today, may not be congruent with what she says and does and feels the next day. Sometimes extremely so. 

One day she'll want to be pissed on, the next week she...

Fuck, man.. I keep thinking of things to write and I don't want to write them but I feel like I have to.

On the weekend while having sex, it almost felt like she wanted me to rape her. She was doing this twisting away thing as we were screwing, pushing me away and saying "no no" and I started to believe it. I was riding this wave.. this plateau where I knew that if I went past this imaginary limit, then it really would be rape. 

And that is so fucking shitty of her to put me in that position.

She once smiled this sly grin and claimed that I "liked" this sort of thing. Even when I kept telling her that I didn't and that I was only doing it because I wanted to please her.

Maybe that's my problem. I want to please her.

I'm not letting her please me.

I'm not being selfish enough.

I am not putting my foot down enough,

I'm blinded by emotion. By what I think is love. Kinship. On a deep soulful level.

We are kindred souls in a sense.

And I get the strange feeling that I am helping to accelerate her evolution. That I am dragging her kicking and screaming to a better version of herself.

She's been fighting me all the way up until now, but with each angry outburst, she gets a little more tame. A little more mature. A little more.. different. Or evolved. Or whatever.

But she's still the same person she was when I met her. A lionness.

A Goddess.

A fallen Goddess.

A wounded lionness.

And now I'm realizing as I'm writing this, that I am more interested in saving her than saving myself.

Fuck, man...

I really should stop giving fucks about her. It seems that's the direction she wants me to take this relationship towards. Not giving any fucks and using her for my pleasure.

Not spoil her. Not praise her. Don't get emotionally invested.

Just... fuck her. Use her.

Abuse her.

Because that is want she wants deep down inside. She's admitted to having "daddy issues" and I am not at all shocked by that.

And still, when I touch her, I feel like... I'm touching myself. Her skin feels like my own skin. Her mouth feels like my own mouth. Her tongue my own tongue. Her mind sometimes feels like my own mind.

On some deep level, I am basically dating the female version of myself. The girl that didn't do insulating work all those years and didn't develop the rational/logical side of her brain. The girl who didn't have the same experiences I had with women to develop myself into someone appreciative and knowing of what a healthy loving relationship is supposed to look like.

I am reminded of the smile Georgina and I would exchange each time we met. She didn't say "what?" to me like Fola does. Insinuating that there was something wrong with my locking eyes and gazing deeply into her soul. Her spirit.

There was no ... need to say certain things. To question certain things.

You just "know" ... when love is in the air.

And Fola would often remind me that she "knows" that I love her. Again, with that knowing sly grin of hers as if she pried open some secret that has been locked inside of me.

It isn't a secret. I DO love her.

And yet, I don't feel the same way by her.

And maybe ... maybe I'm sticking around because I don't think I can find anyone better.

But I do know that there is someone better.

But... who? I already know Georgina would have been better, had I not been so caught up in my own problems and doubts and issues when I was involved with her.

I know that.. there's a woman out there who would love to be with me. Who would reciprocate with enthusiasm. Who treats me with respect and consideration and adoration and ...

Doesn't say shit like "if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it"

Doesn't get all upset when I don't immediately watch some half hour long video that she sent me through text. But still doesn't watch the link to a particular video of mine that she invariably gets reminded about (three times) in less than 48 hours. And made a promise to watch it, etc.

I don't care if she watches it or not. It's just insulting seeing the double-standard. The hypocrisy.

The craziness.

And.. I've been neglecting myself at the expense of this woman. My own sanity is being compromised. I am not as cheerful or happy or ... the best of who I am as I was at the time when we first met.

I wasn't .. I am not nearly as connected to a higher power now because of her.

I could point the finger at her and absolve myself of responsibility, but I won't. I acknowledge that those are convenient correlations. They are not causation. 

Yes, she did have a lot to do with those changes in me. 

And I have had a lot to do with those changes in myself. I've accepted this obstacle course of a woman, where I am afraid to say this or do that in order to not offend her or risk her anger.

And it goes both ways. I suppose. I don't know.

I don't know man. I am not making much sense with this post. Just this long rambling mountain of frustration being let out. All in disjointed bits and pieces that could use more explanation and detail but I don't have the energy to really put them into their proper perspective.

I am too tired to do so.

Looks like I won't be getting a good night text from her. Those ignored texts are...

Going to be as they are. I don't know what to say to them. 

She didn't ask for my opinion.

Good night blog.

...

Please... 

To... whatever or whoever out there that is listening, who can guide me. Help me to realize my goals, my gifts...

Please help me.

Please.

PLEASE.

Chaos is the Rule of the Day

The battle within has already begun.

Just have been taking notice of it recently, that I am basically living in a state of chaotic order, if that makes any sense. Meaning, that I am willfully blinding myself to the possibilities and potentials outside of the comfortable (?) and orderly (and unemployed) life I'm in.

But Fola keeps bringing in the chaos.

Today she's using military time. 15:15, she'll be over at she says. Had to ask her if she really meant 3:15pm Mountain Time just to dig into her a little bit. Things like that doesn't make any sense to me. Not that I don't understand them, but why switch over to the 24h clock?

Not really complaining about this, but its one thing of many. Mood changes each day. Yesterday she was upset (and honestly sad) that I didn't come over for dinner. I didn't say that I was coming over for dinner, nor did I want to, being that it was -24 out there with bad road conditions and I would have to drive home in the dark after only seeing her for a few hours. Can't stay over, her sister and Ivy is there and I didn't feel like having to socialize, etc.

Today she's going to be meeting Justin and Nicole for the first time after repeatedly bringing it up many times over the course of our relationship. Yeah, to be fair, it's been over a year since I've known her. Guess this is due. But I don't understand the zeal she has going behind that. She tried asking me why I'm "scared" of her meeting, and I had to shake my head and say that it has nothing to do with her. Her schedule and Justin's schedule and my schedule and Nicole's schedule, all have to be lined up just right for that to happen. And even so, not all of us wants to go out for dinner at times, either.

Well, we'll see how this goes. A part of me doesn't want to leave the house again. Probably because in part that I don't enjoy having to drive the distance and to see Justin again after already seeing him on Friday. Not going to be very much for me to talk about since we covered plenty of ground back then.

It's a strange relationship, my blog. As you already well know. Some days... Hmm. She says encouraging things about our future together, but her actions don't quite line up with her words. She'll say she's excited to see me at times, but when we meet, she seems dull and distant. And sometimes this happens within an hour or less of her saying/texting that.

Don't get it. Wish I could feel an amount of certainty with her, but I don't. I want to shift my focus away from her to other things that could benefit from my attention; but she seems insistent on occupying it and then getting upset whenever I take time away from her.

Last night I was reading Jordan Peterson's book and kept getting texts from her. Sure, I responded to them, but they had the effect of making it difficult to fully understand and appreciate everything he'd written. Kind of defeated the point of reading if my mind is going from one place to another every few minutes or so.

Maybe I need to work on my focus.

I'm also listless. There's nothing really here for me to do other than to keep the place tidy. Not much meaning in life for me when that is all there is. Oh, and Battlefront. And Fola.

There is more to life than this. I know it. I've felt it.

But, I seem to have this strange way of going in cycles. I may not write for months at a time, but when I start, I seem to either pick up momentum or the enthusiasm collapses. Either, or.

This really draws into question how serious I am about making a living through my writing. I honestly feel discouraged at this point. Especially when the likelihood of my making a decent amount of money for a debut novel, is extremely low. Even more so when I can't even finish the darn thing.

Years and years of talking about the book I want to publish. Years and years of not doing it.

It sucks. I don't want to motivate myself out of fear. I would motivate myself out of necessity if I knew that would result in a favorable outcome, but I can't seem to do that either.

Laundry machine is spinning noisily. Better go downstairs and check it out.

Hmm. Yeah. That's drama, alright. That's excitement.

The laundry machine.

I'm honestly to blame for all this. But I don't know how to correct anything.

My connection to a higher power has diminished in the past while.

Still pray every night.

But it doesn't seem to change much.

I realize that the strength I am looking for has to come from within. It has to. But at the same time I can't help but shake my head wondering how much of it is actually coming from outside of myself. From some type of source. A higher self. God. Spirit. Other people. Positive interactions and circumstances.

Having a job. Having purpose. Meaning.

These things can... you know, I like not being at work right now. I like it and I don't.

But maybe this isn't the best thing for me, to be sitting around at home. Need to be brave. More willing to take chances. But... I'm sometimes at a loss for ideas as far as opportunities go.

I don't feel particularly like doing anything. I'm not avoiding activities out of fear but rather... cynicism? Being jaded?

Blase?

Funny how the name of my blog remains relevant after all those years.

Blase.

I suppose excitement is developed through momentum. When there is movement towards a positive and meaningful outcome. Good experiences that stack up on top of one another, leading to more good experiences. More positivity.

More vitality. More zest.

More of a lust for life.

But I tell you man, it's hard. Not only psychologically and spiritually, but physically.

I am still suffering from hives, or whatever it is I may be allergic towards.

I still have trouble hearing a conversation well enough to relax and not be on edge and concerned about any of the words I may miss.

But I am also mindful that... it's strange, but I sometimes am well enough to hear people and to have a conversation. It seems almost physiological. Like a kind of essential mineral in myself that is missing.

Fola just arrived, looks like I'm going to wrap this thing up.

Can't say I made much progress with anything of what I've written I suppose. But writing this all down is better than leaving it unsaid.

Still want love. Still want happiness.

Still want to write for a living, but not believing in myself enough to do so.

Or in others.

But I need to teach myself this one important thing. The thing that I remind others of.

Passion trumps talent.

Strangeness Abounds

The saga continues, my blog in all the dealings I've had with Fola, this weekend has been one of the more illuminating ones yet.

It pretty well started with my pissing on her. Yeah. There was a moment in the evening when she went into the bathroom shortly after we left the bath, and I really needed to pee. Knowing that she was into this sort of thing (and I wasn't) made it easier for me to make her that offer, to which she accepted.

Sighs.

So... it felt interesting. She was sitting in the bathtub while I urinated all over her chest and neck. Afterwards she said something about wanting to catch it in her mouth, but didn't uh... want it in her hair or something.

Fucked up, isn't it?

Afterwards she tried to convince me that I "liked" doing it, with that knowing smile of hers. I felt... Well, I keep telling her that most of what gives her pleasure, is what gives me pleasure. I've always been a giver when it comes to sex. And other things as well, like gifts, advice, etc. So it didn't really bother me much to be doing this to her. Or for her, to be precise. In a weird way, I was basically reaffirming my love for that woman, no matter how soundly I disagree with her on a lot of her quirks and fetishes and ideas and opinions.

Yeah. So I do love that woman. Despite all the headache she has caused me. Despite her unpredictable and irrational behavior and her general untrustworthiness and lack of appreciation and .. man, the list goes on and on.

She came to spend the night on Saturday after work and left this afternoon. She took two days off work just to be with me.

That says something.

But I wonder. I still wonder what she sees in me sometimes. I wasn't particularly charming or intelligent or talkative this weekend. Kind of the opposite. But when it came to being physically intimate with her, there was... it was never a disappointment in the several times we've done it over the last few days.

Always amazing intimacy between us. Always. Still have that eye contact. Still have that unconventional way of kissing where it doesn't matter if I'm slurping on her nose or if our mouths are in a weird position and our tongues are pushing against each other. It's... our thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm making love to myself and conventional norms are tossed out the window when it comes to doing what feels good, rather than doing what feels proper.

It's a weird way of being, thats for sure.

My stocks... Uhm, tangent time. My investments have really become an obsession of mine. Marijuana stocks are a one in a lifetime opportunity to be getting in on (near) the ground floor at the moment. Granted, everything is a bit... overvalued, but not by much and I don't think the hype has really priced itself into the stocks that I've invested in. Well, except for Namaste I guess. That one has been tough to bag-hold on. Bought at 3.69 and it's now just under 3$. $2,81 I think.

I have very high hopes for two of the five that I own. ATE and ICC. ATE has the potential to triple within the next month or so, while ICC has an extremely attractive amount of upside in which they could get acquired by a company (Aphria would be my guess) or their share price will quadruple by around the summer time. So, from around $1.61 right now to five bucks about, is what I figure this little company can achieve. They're based in South America, and I think that is their biggest advantage. While everyone is focusing on Canadian and to a lesser extent, American weed stocks; I really believe that the South American market is being ignored and looked over.

I am hurting for more money to invest in ICC and a few of the US players like TGIF and MPX. But mainly ICC, because I am anticipating a buyout at some point. And I really like Aphria to be the one to come along and pull the trigger on them. Aurora already closed an overly expensive deal with Cannimed, so they won't likely be ICC's suitor; and I'm not sure what Canopy is doing, but because Aphria bought out Nuuvera, I think ICC would be a perfect fit for them. Given that Nuuvera signed a supply agreement with ICC a short while ago. Now they are owned by Aphria.

Makes sense to me.

I want.. I will be rich someday, my blog. I find it funny that for the longest time my desire was to find the woman I can love and be loved by. But.. it doesn't feel like Fola, and yet it does.

To be honest, it feels more like Georgina than anything.

Ugh. My arms are so freaking itchy right now. Unbelievable. I'm still dealing with this weird case of hives or whatever it is I'm afflicted with. I think its aggravated by chocolate, but I'm not sure. I know that this itching spell came about shortly after I had a bunch of Toffee, so thats my only guess at what it could be caused by. Sweets.

I need to change my life.

Fola... made me promise to write tonight. For an hour. Although I don't think if this blog entry will take that long to do. Definitely a half hour, so maybe I can stretch it a bit.

One thing I've noticed is that my desire to write has been curtailed over the past while. I'm not too interested in doing it, although I know I should. Too obsessed with stocks and with Fola, I suppose.

Obsessed.

Hmm. It doesn't feel quite like the right word, but it'll do for now.

I'm still unemployed. Money is running out. I really don't want to go back to insulating, and I can't even. Given that I've smoked some pot this weekend, meaning that I will likely fail a urine test if I start anything in the next couple weeks.

But, I for some reason aren't all that concerned about money right now. It's almost tax refund time, and I anticipate a nice amount of money from that. I also have a tiny bit left to keep me afloat for at least one month. So, there's that.

Wish I wasn't so itchy right now. It's rough. Doesn't matter how much cream I smear onto my skin. But anti-histamines seem to help. Can't believe this has been an issue since November.

Fola once though that it was because of the Reiki attunement I had that caused this to happen. But now she's thinking its because I haven't been writing enough.

I don't know what it is.

It sucks. Hard to sleep. Hard to really relax. Too much energy and attention being diverted away into babying this rash and weathering another storm of itchiness. The doctor said it's "eczema" which isn't very helpful to me. The stuff he prescribed didn't appear to help either.

Not sure what this is. Or why I am experiencing it.

But I do know that it's been anticipated. And is somewhat needed. Until it no longer is.

Doesn't make sense, but... I am trusting that there is something higher than myself that knows the trajectory of my life and all the events leading up and throughout the course of it all. I trust whatever this force is. This intelligence. I know it's there. I know I am watched, and loved by something that I cannot quite see or touch or hear.

But I can sense it, sometimes. Whenever I look up at the sun each day. When the light feels "right" at a certain time in the morning. I sense this profound.. open secret of some sort, around me. Evading the directness of my curiosity and my gaze, preferring instead to lurk in the periphery where it winks and cheers and laughs and claps. And consoles. Even when I feel utterly alone. It consoles, should I still myself long enough to listen and accept.

Hm. I am.

I am.

I am...

I am me.

And this journey of mine is a wonder to behold.

Like marijuana stocks, I am an industry only getting started.

There is so much potential with me.

And I lower my head in deference to the powers that be, who can help me realize the gifts that I can offer to this world.

Because that is what I aspire towards. Prosperity. Love. Purpose.

Truth. Beauty and Justice.

I have suffered enough.

I am ready for better things.

There is still so much to say that I am leaving unsaid. Fola talked about moving in with me. Not soon, but eventually. Talked about my meeting her parents. Talked about the places we will go.

She has a lot of faith in me, it seems. Even when I give her as few reasons as possible to have it.

I appreciate that.

My mother is the same. And I appreciate that too.

I want her to do well.

Which is why I plan on buying ICC stock for her once she gets back. Maybe get some TGIF and RKS or MPX in there as well.

Sighs.

ICC.

I am resting my hopes onto you.

Don't let me down.

Bring me to where I need to be.

And let me make this world into a better place because of my success.

Thank you.

And you too, Namaste.

I'm going to hold you until you hit five dollars :)

ATE... Surprise me, please.

Growlife.. Hmm. Maybe you'll surprise us too.

Harvest One. Everyone hypes you up. You'll double this year. Easily. No matter the price you are at right now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Let the fun begin :)

Being Boring

So last night we had a fight. Again, not a surprise, but what really got me was how she was so obviously in the wrong that my rational argument for telling her how she made me feel was tossed aside in favor of some victim-complex where she was the one being oppressed and denigrated.

Makes no fucking sense.

What happened was two days ago she invited me over for dinner on Thursday. Awesome. I love going over there and hanging out with her daughter.

She then asks me what I wanted to eat.

So I told her. Anything with tomatoes and lots of garlic and/or spinach. Sounds like I would be having my request granted, right? I mean, why else would she be asking me what I wanted to eat?

Wrong.

After texting her that, she replies with a single word.

"boring"

That's it. Nothing further to add. No explanation as to why my suggestion was "boring" which wasn't even really a suggestion of any particular recipe or dish. Just ingrediants. Two, actually, with a possible third.

"boring" she says. Effectively ending the conversation because I didn't feel like responding to a trash comment like that.

With that one word, she basically communicated that I wasn't going to be getting what I asked for; that she thinks my suggestion is uninspired and uninteresting; and that my preferences don't matter to her.

After I had gotten us the loft and given her those gifts. After I have done all these nice things for her, this is the sort of appreciation I get.

"boring"

Nothing else.

So I ignored that text. Thought maybe she would say something more afterwards, but she didn't. I think this was the first time in a long while where we both went to bed without saying good night to one another. Apparently I was supposed to say something back to that text of hers. Or at least that is what she was expecting.

Fuck, man. This garbage... constantly keeps happening. Last week we fought about her not providing enough details in her messages. Not putting enough thought into them; and here it is again, more of the same after she promised to try and rectify my concerns.

"boring"

She could have suggested alternatives if my two (3) ingrediants were too boring for her. She could have used a different phrase, such as, "I would prefer we make something else. How about...?" but she didn't do any of these things. Just a one-word text and no fucks given about how she made me feel.

Then the next day, after ignoring her, she messages me asking if I really was seriously about having something with tomatoes and garlic in it. I said I didn't care, and was fine with whatever she was making. Told her I didn't appreciate being disrespected and marginalized.

And that's when all hell broke loose.

Man... I don't enjoy typing any of this. I feel like this is an archival thing where I have to write down these events so I can learn from them. But what am I learning? What could I have done differently in response to her text? Should I have said, "why do you think its boring?" rather than take offense?

I think I should have taken offense. That was a disrespectful and thoughtless comment. Why wouldn't I be taking offense if I felt offended by it? Why shouldn't I stand up and voice my complaint about it?

So once I told her my thoughts about the way she made me feel; she starts spazzing. Turns herself into the victim. Started using words like "always" and "never" which I know is the kiss of death to relationships. Complained about how I didn't support her, which was wrong. Complained that I always suggest pizza or pasta. Which is also wrong. Said that tomatoes and garlic and/or spinach is boring because we seem to have so much of it. When I asked her for examples as to the last time we had anything with tomatoes and garlic in it; she fails to provide them. Another lie.

The day before this, I was on the phone with her listening to her talk about this psychadelic therapy course she wants to take in BC next year. Supported her there. Said it was a good idea. But then she tells me the next day that I don't support her.

Fuck. She invents lies and invites drama all the time where it doesn't need to be.

And I ask myself, what is this person good for? She is not sympathetic. She is not considerate. She is not appreciative. She is mentally unbalanced, with her moods swinging like a pendulum. She makes promises she doesn't keep. She has no integrity. She is now more "masculine" than she was when I met her. She...

She doesn't uplift me. I do all these things for her. Put all this thought and patience and try to make her feel good and to keep things interesting in the relationship, and she is content to mainly sit back and enjoy being spoiled.

No fucks given.

I don't want to say that I am demanding things from her. That if I do X, she has to give me Y in exchange. That's not what I want. But when I notice that I am doing X, and X, and more Xs when I've yet to see a Y in a certain amount of time; that is when I begin questioning things.

What does she do to make my life better?

The answer is: very little that I can think of.

She doesn't have a sense of humor, really. And what she considers to be "funny" is sarcastic and mean-spirited jokes, like this video she sent me of a pregnant barbie being punched in the gut while the doll characters are all insulting one another, dropping f-bombs like it was nothing.

There's so much negativity in her. It's this buried thing, where she doesn't want to express it, but unconciously does so. She'll impulsively be negative without realizing it by saying stuff like "boring" to me.

That woman... that girl, I should say, because she is not the least bit mature; has no inkling of self-awareness. Very little of it anyways. Because it seems like I have to constantly explain things to her. When I am having to write a long message describing how her one-word text made me feel; then I know that she has little capacity to figure these things out on her own.

Or maybe I am just that unimportant to her. It seems that way. Relationships aren't a priority for her, given what I remember from what she put on her vision board where it was covered in pictures and mottos that all have to do with getting money and becoming rich.

The one thing I like the least about Fola, is her lack of humility. Her lack of gratitude, also. You would think that if your partner is actively trying to make you happy and to keep things interesting and to be congenial and respectful and supportive; that you would reciprocate in turn. You wouldn't be asking them what they wanted for dinner and then tell them that their suggestion is "boring".

You don't put down your partner like that. Not when you know that they love you.

Like she often would tell me, "I know that you love me" with this bit of a smirk on her face like she discovered some strange new revelation. Or has me "trapped" or under her thumb or whatever it is that she's feeling with that accusatory/vanglorious look on her face as she tells me that.

All I can think whenever I hear her say that she knows that I love her, is that I wish I could say the same about her. I wish I knew that she loved me as I love her.

Wish I could feel the same amount of certainty in this relationship like she does.

And that brings me to my last post.

"He who cares the least, controls the relationship"

I don't want to play that game. Why should I do that with the person I love?

And I realize that it comes down to respect. If she does not respect me, she will care less and less. When she does respect me, she will care more and more.

And I am not respected right now. That's a fact. I see it in her words, her actions and her thoughts.

I see it in all the ways that I've complained about on this blog.

So what is the solution?

Always be myself. Always stand up for what I believe in no matter how much in opposition she is towards the things that I value most.

And this is such a hard thing for me to do sometimes. I believe in compromises where compromises must be made. She does not. I believe in putting "effort" into making a relationship harmonious, fun and uplifting. She does not try for those things either.

Or she isn't trying enough. Another thing I don't like having to do. Judging her. I don't want this to be something that I have to monitor and to keep on the proper course. I don't want my mind filled with junk like this. I don't need drama and distractions to keep me from feeling happy and loved and working towards my higher purpose in life.

I don't need this.

And yet...

Sighs.

It makes me wonder how badly do... No. My blog is a testament to how badly I want a loving relationship. All those years of heartache and suffering and sadness.

Yeah. I really do want a loving relationship.

And I don't want to have to control or force a certain type of outcome, but it seems like I am.

...

I'm too... attached. I need to let go.

I need to be me.

Even if that means being alone.

And...

Sighs...

I don't want to be alone.

I want someone to spoon with. To laugh with. To have meaningful discussions with.

I want someone that can help me grow. Someone who challenges me intellectually. Someone I can learn from.

And... Oddly enough, I think Fola is helping me grow. She is challenging me. She is teaching me things. But not in any conventional way.

She's teaching me by showing me my mirror.

Whether she realizes it or not.

I am seeing all the things that I do not like, and I have to... somehow make peace with them. To tell myself that no one is perfect, and that love can triumph over each of our imperfections and shortcomings.

I really want to believe that.

She has changed from when I met her. She is still changing.

As I am changing too.

In a few days from now, we'll be at the one-year mark. Our first year anniversary.

One year.

Went by so fast.

Well... nothing much else for me to say here my blog. Thank you for listening as always. Appreciate being able to let my thoughts out rather than keep them bottled inside.

Thanks.

I'm not sure what today will bring.

...

But I will be facing it regardless. With my head held as high as I can get it to be.

And God by my side.

No matter how shitty things may get.

I know I am....

Divinity itself.

And everything will work out in the end.

And everything will have been worth it.

Long as I keep my faith.

And move forward.

Wish me luck.

A Game of Thorns

Hey blog. Long time no see.

Lots have happened since the last post. As of now, I am at an AirBnB in downtown Edmonton with Fola still snoozing away in the nice king-sized bed they have here. It's a single story loft in a building that is 105 years old. All brick. Walls have interesting pictures/paintings/posters on them. Has a pool table, a clawfoot bathtub, large shower.

It's pretty cool. I could see myself living here. Easily.

We did shrooms last night. I was surprised at how I didn't feel anything. Fola was nervous up until we were doing them and for a little while after. She later said she saw stuff, but I didn't see anything.

Her words to me were, "you don't feel anything? interesting."

Interesting, indeed.

I've never done mushrooms before. Didn't know what to expect. But prior to taking them (we boiled it in tea), I said a little prayer asking the mushroom God (heh) to impart its wisdom upon the two of us. To give one another that what we most needed to be given and shown.

Hm. I didn't see anything. No hallucinations. No pink unicorns or hippos or swirling colors; and I was more gung-ho about consumption than Fola was. She took forever to get that first cup of tea down. Took forever with the second cup as well.

I later started eating mushrooms out of the tea pot. Still, nothing. And Fola apparently was in her own world.

This morning, as of right now after having my cigarette outside; I had some interesting thoughts come in,

The title of this post is one of them. Why did I choose this particular title?

Because it describes our relationship, and it's a nice play on Game of Thrones.

I realized that I have been giving my power away to that woman. Fola wasn't overly impressed or excited to be here in this loft. Didn't seem very.. enthusiastic, really. Spent 500 bucks on this thing and she hasn't thought about how much this has costed me or expressed meaningful appreciation for my having done this.

Mm. Yeah, so. I have been giving my power away to that woman. I am understanding that "he who cares the least, controls the relationship" and I am not in control at all, really.

Last night she started crying for a bit. When I asked her why, she said she was afraid of hurting me. Down the road. It didn't make any sense, but she was on mushrooms, so..

But I am understanding it. I can see her hurting me. Her concern was that at some point in the future she will hurt me, and that is why she was crying. I didn't understand how this came out of the blue the way it did, but I wasn't all that surprised at her acknowledging the possibility.

I told her that if she was truly concerned about something like that happening, then she should work to prevent the outcome. I'm pretty sure she won't be giving it much thought anyways. She nodded and agreed, and then.. well. Became cold and distant again.

As I slept next to her tonight, I couldn't help but notice the distance between us. This is nothing new. Sleeping together has her doing her own thing, where she doesn't want to cuddle or touch. And when I pull away from her, that is when she suddenly wants to.

Pretty tired of this attitude she's carrying. The only times I feel intimate and close with her, is when I pull away.

When I stop caring.

She hasn't even opened the Christmas gifts I'd gotten her. They're sitting in a bag on the floor here. No excitement to even bother with them, it seems. Typical of her.

The gift she'd gotten me? A "life path activation" by some psychic/Reiki/New-Age person that lasted about an hour and has this chick walking around me in circles and doing stuff with her hands.

I honestly didn't feel much from that. I think it was a waste of money, but time will tell.

My mom thought it was a waste of money also.

And I wonder if Fola will even be able to go to Cuba with me as we planned for next month. She has no money saved up for it. Instead, she's relying on some visualization about getting $5,000 of unexpected income which Aaron Dougherty of YouTube has told her about.

I think its sad really. This whole relationship is... setting itself up for failure.

She does not seem to realize the importance of being rational. Of opening up more. We had a fight about her not providing enough details to me in her texts and in person, and she then promises to ry and do better. Hours later, she sends me a picture of dough in a bowl and does not say anything about what it is. Again, no details provided and I'm tired of having to ask for them.

That's something that annoys me. She'll send me an article about how to "unblock sexual energy" but neglects to tell me why its being sent to me. And then ignores my question when I ask her why she thinks it is blocked, and who is blocked, etc.

Frustrating as fuck.

He who cares the least, controls the relationship.

And I am caring far too much.

...

Going for a smoke. I don't know what else to say here. Got laid off a few days ago. Unexpectedly. Haven't told Fola about this yet. I was saving it for the right moment thinking that she would be happy to hear it, but I doubt she will be. Just going to shrug it off like she shrugged off this AirBnB, my gifts and my company.

Sighs.

Ugly. I am learning the value of being independent and reclaiming my power. This is like a game of poker, also, I feel. I am... bluffing, in a way... Hard to explain. It's all a game, that I know.

And it... seems like its playing out like it should.

Hmm.

Smoke time. Then a late lunch with my mom and stepdad. She hasn't met my stepdad yet.

Life goes on.

Love seems,,,,

Lost.

And yet so near all at once.

Need to stay true to myself.

No matter what she does and says.

It's the only way to be.

Polite Awakenings

It's annoying when I write or edit a post and it time stamps it with the current date and not the one when it was originally written. Like the last one I did.

Oh well.

Interesting day. Stock markets were jumping on the Canadian pot front and in cryptocurrency. So many people here at work were checking their stocks online or talking about them. So much hype.

I'm really perturbed that I bought Newstrike at 0.52 and sold it at 0.59 thinking I did well with making a grand.

Then today, it shoots up to 0.93 cents. Ridiculous.

Again, oh well.

I'm not bothered, my blog, because I truly believe that wealth and love and freedom are on their way towards me. I truly believe that, even if I occasionally get upset at certain things.

Like you, Newstrike.

Like you, Fola.

Hm. Fola.

Fola, Fola Fola. She's such a puzzle. I remember seeing a quote the other day about how nobody is fated or destined to love someone in particular, and I'm not sure about that.

I honestly believe that we are fated. But at the same time, it's difficult for me to truly feel loved in this relationship. I think my texts with Gina, and I'm reminded of how much detail she put into them.

I wouldn't get texts like, "having friends come over" "going out with peeps" or texts where my direct questions are ignored, or texts that are devoid of humour, or texts that are a sloppy autocorrect-in mess that gets overlooked rather than clarified so that I can understand what is being said.

With Gina, I got names most of the time. I get questions answered. I had humor and cheer coming through her words. And there was no second guessing of trying to understand what was being said, or underreporting of events that I consider important or interesting enough to know about.

Feels like I have to play a hundred questions with Fola sometimes, and I don't have the energy or inclination to get a reasonably vivid description of what she did, or how she feels.

Couple days ago I had to ask what she was doing that night before finding out she was going to a friend's house to watch a documentary with other people, including Cody. Would she have told me if I didn't ask? Probably not. Or maybe. Who knows.

I asked her to tell me what she thinks of the documentary after she finishes watching it, and that was ignored. Asked her how her evening went, and got a "good. It was nice to reconnect."

Sometimes she even assumes that she said something when she didn't. Like, she didn't mention who it was she was going to hang out with, and then later says 'she has interesting friends' like I knew who  she was talking about.

Sighs. Either texts are going missing or she really doesn't have a sense of courtesy and thoughtfulness in her conversations with me. Sometimes she does does, often times she doesn't.

I don't get it. Other than to accept that's just the way things are. I can only be myself, and not let her careless antics get under my skin.

That's always been her game. She still lacks empathy, I feel. Consideration. Thoughtfulness. Sensitivity.

She's making me feel like the woman in our relationship. Well, that's a choice. I'm not going to be subservient and desperate for affection and respect and appreciated.

If there's anything I've learned in all those years of dating, it's that my best version of who I am, is the version that is content WITH who I am.

And being hard of hearing, working 21 days away from home, feeling lonely, isolated, almost purposeless; well, it's hard.

But I do believe.

That there is a God out there. An intelligence that wishes to aid and guide me to where I'd like to be. Call it by whatever name you wish. He, or it, is there.

Out there somewhere.

My life has been primarily about two driving forces. The search for love, and the search for spirit.

I believe that having one, will naturally result in the other.

I believe love to be the most powerful force in the world. The universe. The multiverse.

In all of the seven dimensions and planes of existence.

Love is the force that is responsible for us being here. It has an intelligence. It is not originated solely from what we know of the Old Testament God. Yahweh, who physically was present in the garden of eden.

Religion is a diversion. All of them. Kernels of truth buried beneath mountains of...

Yeah.

If even one religion has it 95% right, imagine how much damage that 5% bit of falsehood can cause.

All it takes is one convincing lie to separate man from the truth. The best way to hide a lie, is within that which is presented as truth.

The more truthful something appears to be, the more susceptible it is to becoming corrupted.

And corruption is disorder. Every object casts its shadow, and we silly beings are deluded into thinking that the shadow is what actually is.

Plato's theory of forms in action.

Amazing how brilliant and perceptive that man was.

And other historical figures behind much of the foundation of spirituality as practised today.

And yet, we live in a world where truth is held in both contempt and admiration.

Contempt when it is spoken with timidity and a lack of self awareness, compassion and intelligence.

Admiration, when it is boldly expressed. In words and deeds. Without much regard for the consequences and belaying a clarity and thoughtfulness that goes far beyond what most of us are capable of.

I want to be admired for speaking my truth.

I don't want to hide.

And yet, I am in a delicate situation. A type of war. With myself and others. My loved ones, my values, my faith.

Everything is being challenged.

And I am playing the part of the fox. Neither a wolf, nor a sheep. Or a wolf in sheep's clothing. And vice versa.

A fox. Something that is in between. Something that doesn't fit.

But fits in all too well.

Balance. Good and evil. Left and right.

Light and dark.

Balance.

Grace, and dignity.

It's what I'm aiming for.

Seven more days to go.

Then I'll be back home.

Rude Awakening

Happy 2018 my blog. I hope you and I will get closer to realizing our dreams and desires this year more than ever.

I'm a little sad, to be honest. For what seems like petty reasons anyways.

It's Fola, again. Yesterday she sent me this nice photo of herself naked on the bed, and told me to think sexual thoughts.

It wasn't until later when I asked if she masturbated since I was gone that she said yes, and it was during when she sent that picture to me.

What bothers me is not only that she couldn't wait for me, but that she didn't tell me earlier she was doing it. Think sexual thoughts, indeed. Could've explained why she asked.

The reason I have a problem with something like this, is because she used to tell me these things. It was exciting to know about it, and had I not asked on the phone, she likely wouldn't have mentioned this at all.

I'm just disappointed that she doesn't see things the way I do. Sex and the energies of sex, is something I think should be treated with respect. Otherwise it has all the significance of a sneeze or a cough. Just this biological impulse with little to no meaning attached to it at all.

Again, she used to tell me about these things. I'm sad that she didn't think this was important enough to share with me, but other less interesting things were.

Then her vision board. She made a new one last night and I was disappointed in that as well. There were no pictures about relationships. Or our relationship other than the one picture she used before, and only because I pointed out that she didn't have a picture of us on there.

It's tough being with this girl. She's too into her own mind. Almost all of her photos had to do with money or career stuff. Nothing about love. Health. The relationship she has with her child, her family, or me.

Apart from that one picture, of course. Us having tea in Arizona.

I then sort of argued with her about how she is going into this one direction and not thinking to collaborate with me to have us realize our goals. I thought that's what a relationship is supposed to be for. Two people working together to realize a shared outcome.

The analogy of us being lost in the woods makes sense to me. She thinks we ought to split up so we can get to the same place. She doesn't realize that I have a compass, and that she has a map, and putting both of our talents and qualities together, is going to help us get to our goals more quickly.

She has things that I lack, and I have qualities and skills that she does not have. But still, she is failing to see the value in cooperation, rather than going off to do her own thing. Without any or much involvement on my part.

It's disappointing. I love that woman, but she is not..

She is not the type of person that I hope to marry someday. I kind of do and don't, but there are problems with us that makes me nervous. I can believe her to be the sort to not give me help when I need it. Or support. Or valuable feedback.

For instance, I am unsure about what I should focus on writing. Does she like my poems more than my stories? Does she like my informal blog posts more than my formal ones? What does she enjoy reading the most from what I can write?

Response: She likes everything.

That's not helpful to me. For one, it's a dismissive statement. There's nothing thoughtful or constructive about it. I haven't learned anything new about myself from having asked her that question. Nothing there for me to work with.

And when she...

Sighs. Oh blog, I don't even want to write these things. She has this business idea, but isn't going to tell me about it until I get back, and then previously said that its okay if I'm not interested in helping out with it.

What sense does that make? Where is the part that has us joining together and bringing each of our skills and qualities to the table?

I'm not going to start a business and then tell my partner that there is no place for her in it. That it's my own thing. That she can go off and figure out how to get successful on her own without my being involved in any of it.

It's sad.

Anyways. I went to bed last night at around 11. Woke up at quarter to midnight with a screamy kind of gasp. I remembered my dream, and it wasn't pleasant.

It started off with my violently beating up a coworker. I don't know why I did this, because I have no acrimony towards him in real life. As he laid unconscious, I then put him inside of a truck with piglets and covered him with a blanket as it drove away. Makes no sense, other than the knowing that I beat him up for a reason, and then showed compassion towards him at the end.

As that part ended, I remember looking around this warehouse I was in. I could see a sinister looking figure coming towards me in the dark. I then went to lock a door, to keep it from getting to me, but the door was flimsy and had a cheap push button lock on the knob. I remember laughing triumphantly as I watched this figure attempt to get in. That is when I noticed a nearby door was unlocked, and as I went to lock it, the figure placed its hand on the door and pulled it open. That was when I woke up, somewhat screaming.

I'm not sure what the message of all this is. It's unusual in so many ways. Including how it occurred in less than a half hour after I fell asleep.

It feels like frustration. Frustration at work, and the knowing that violence is going to be... Reciprocated, or will carry severe consequences.

I don't know, man. I feel dumb for writing this post. I'm at work, and I don't feel comfortable here.

And I'm lonely. Away from home with 9 more days to go before I come back.

And my girlfriend...

Sighs.

Could be better than she is.

But, it's not my place to change her. And yet, it seems like it is.

I just don't know how.

And...

I'm tired, blog. I don't have any particular insights into any of this. Nothing worth taking serious notice of, anyways.

I just want to be happy. Fola and I to be happy. And it seems like we both make it difficult for one another.

I'm tired. I want the Fola I fell in love with early in our relationship. When she deferred decisions to me. When she was excited. When she did and said nice things that came unasked for, and from a sincere place.

I gave her my everything.

She has yet to do the same.

And I suffer in silence. Not knowing how to scream. Unable to move.

Only able to try and focus on myself.

And reclaim who I truly am.

A master.

Not a servant. Or a slave.

I just need to keep myself convinced of this.

I remember who I was.

And now I must become it.