Happy 2018 my blog. I hope you and I will get closer to realizing our dreams and desires this year more than ever.
I'm a little sad, to be honest. For what seems like petty reasons anyways.
It's Fola, again. Yesterday she sent me this nice photo of herself naked on the bed, and told me to think sexual thoughts.
It wasn't until later when I asked if she masturbated since I was gone that she said yes, and it was during when she sent that picture to me.
What bothers me is not only that she couldn't wait for me, but that she didn't tell me earlier she was doing it. Think sexual thoughts, indeed. Could've explained why she asked.
The reason I have a problem with something like this, is because she used to tell me these things. It was exciting to know about it, and had I not asked on the phone, she likely wouldn't have mentioned this at all.
I'm just disappointed that she doesn't see things the way I do. Sex and the energies of sex, is something I think should be treated with respect. Otherwise it has all the significance of a sneeze or a cough. Just this biological impulse with little to no meaning attached to it at all.
Again, she used to tell me about these things. I'm sad that she didn't think this was important enough to share with me, but other less interesting things were.
Then her vision board. She made a new one last night and I was disappointed in that as well. There were no pictures about relationships. Or our relationship other than the one picture she used before, and only because I pointed out that she didn't have a picture of us on there.
It's tough being with this girl. She's too into her own mind. Almost all of her photos had to do with money or career stuff. Nothing about love. Health. The relationship she has with her child, her family, or me.
Apart from that one picture, of course. Us having tea in Arizona.
I then sort of argued with her about how she is going into this one direction and not thinking to collaborate with me to have us realize our goals. I thought that's what a relationship is supposed to be for. Two people working together to realize a shared outcome.
The analogy of us being lost in the woods makes sense to me. She thinks we ought to split up so we can get to the same place. She doesn't realize that I have a compass, and that she has a map, and putting both of our talents and qualities together, is going to help us get to our goals more quickly.
She has things that I lack, and I have qualities and skills that she does not have. But still, she is failing to see the value in cooperation, rather than going off to do her own thing. Without any or much involvement on my part.
It's disappointing. I love that woman, but she is not..
She is not the type of person that I hope to marry someday. I kind of do and don't, but there are problems with us that makes me nervous. I can believe her to be the sort to not give me help when I need it. Or support. Or valuable feedback.
For instance, I am unsure about what I should focus on writing. Does she like my poems more than my stories? Does she like my informal blog posts more than my formal ones? What does she enjoy reading the most from what I can write?
Response: She likes everything.
That's not helpful to me. For one, it's a dismissive statement. There's nothing thoughtful or constructive about it. I haven't learned anything new about myself from having asked her that question. Nothing there for me to work with.
And when she...
Sighs. Oh blog, I don't even want to write these things. She has this business idea, but isn't going to tell me about it until I get back, and then previously said that its okay if I'm not interested in helping out with it.
What sense does that make? Where is the part that has us joining together and bringing each of our skills and qualities to the table?
I'm not going to start a business and then tell my partner that there is no place for her in it. That it's my own thing. That she can go off and figure out how to get successful on her own without my being involved in any of it.
It's sad.
Anyways. I went to bed last night at around 11. Woke up at quarter to midnight with a screamy kind of gasp. I remembered my dream, and it wasn't pleasant.
It started off with my violently beating up a coworker. I don't know why I did this, because I have no acrimony towards him in real life. As he laid unconscious, I then put him inside of a truck with piglets and covered him with a blanket as it drove away. Makes no sense, other than the knowing that I beat him up for a reason, and then showed compassion towards him at the end.
As that part ended, I remember looking around this warehouse I was in. I could see a sinister looking figure coming towards me in the dark. I then went to lock a door, to keep it from getting to me, but the door was flimsy and had a cheap push button lock on the knob. I remember laughing triumphantly as I watched this figure attempt to get in. That is when I noticed a nearby door was unlocked, and as I went to lock it, the figure placed its hand on the door and pulled it open. That was when I woke up, somewhat screaming.
I'm not sure what the message of all this is. It's unusual in so many ways. Including how it occurred in less than a half hour after I fell asleep.
It feels like frustration. Frustration at work, and the knowing that violence is going to be... Reciprocated, or will carry severe consequences.
I don't know, man. I feel dumb for writing this post. I'm at work, and I don't feel comfortable here.
And I'm lonely. Away from home with 9 more days to go before I come back.
And my girlfriend...
Sighs.
Could be better than she is.
But, it's not my place to change her. And yet, it seems like it is.
I just don't know how.
And...
I'm tired, blog. I don't have any particular insights into any of this. Nothing worth taking serious notice of, anyways.
I just want to be happy. Fola and I to be happy. And it seems like we both make it difficult for one another.
I'm tired. I want the Fola I fell in love with early in our relationship. When she deferred decisions to me. When she was excited. When she did and said nice things that came unasked for, and from a sincere place.
I gave her my everything.
She has yet to do the same.
And I suffer in silence. Not knowing how to scream. Unable to move.
Only able to try and focus on myself.
And reclaim who I truly am.
A master.
Not a servant. Or a slave.
I just need to keep myself convinced of this.
I remember who I was.
And now I must become it.
