It's annoying when I write or edit a post and it time stamps it with the current date and not the one when it was originally written. Like the last one I did.
Oh well.
Interesting day. Stock markets were jumping on the Canadian pot front and in cryptocurrency. So many people here at work were checking their stocks online or talking about them. So much hype.
I'm really perturbed that I bought Newstrike at 0.52 and sold it at 0.59 thinking I did well with making a grand.
Then today, it shoots up to 0.93 cents. Ridiculous.
Again, oh well.
I'm not bothered, my blog, because I truly believe that wealth and love and freedom are on their way towards me. I truly believe that, even if I occasionally get upset at certain things.
Like you, Newstrike.
Like you, Fola.
Hm. Fola.
Fola, Fola Fola. She's such a puzzle. I remember seeing a quote the other day about how nobody is fated or destined to love someone in particular, and I'm not sure about that.
I honestly believe that we are fated. But at the same time, it's difficult for me to truly feel loved in this relationship. I think my texts with Gina, and I'm reminded of how much detail she put into them.
I wouldn't get texts like, "having friends come over" "going out with peeps" or texts where my direct questions are ignored, or texts that are devoid of humour, or texts that are a sloppy autocorrect-in mess that gets overlooked rather than clarified so that I can understand what is being said.
With Gina, I got names most of the time. I get questions answered. I had humor and cheer coming through her words. And there was no second guessing of trying to understand what was being said, or underreporting of events that I consider important or interesting enough to know about.
Feels like I have to play a hundred questions with Fola sometimes, and I don't have the energy or inclination to get a reasonably vivid description of what she did, or how she feels.
Couple days ago I had to ask what she was doing that night before finding out she was going to a friend's house to watch a documentary with other people, including Cody. Would she have told me if I didn't ask? Probably not. Or maybe. Who knows.
I asked her to tell me what she thinks of the documentary after she finishes watching it, and that was ignored. Asked her how her evening went, and got a "good. It was nice to reconnect."
Sometimes she even assumes that she said something when she didn't. Like, she didn't mention who it was she was going to hang out with, and then later says 'she has interesting friends' like I knew who she was talking about.
Sighs. Either texts are going missing or she really doesn't have a sense of courtesy and thoughtfulness in her conversations with me. Sometimes she does does, often times she doesn't.
I don't get it. Other than to accept that's just the way things are. I can only be myself, and not let her careless antics get under my skin.
That's always been her game. She still lacks empathy, I feel. Consideration. Thoughtfulness. Sensitivity.
She's making me feel like the woman in our relationship. Well, that's a choice. I'm not going to be subservient and desperate for affection and respect and appreciated.
If there's anything I've learned in all those years of dating, it's that my best version of who I am, is the version that is content WITH who I am.
And being hard of hearing, working 21 days away from home, feeling lonely, isolated, almost purposeless; well, it's hard.
But I do believe.
That there is a God out there. An intelligence that wishes to aid and guide me to where I'd like to be. Call it by whatever name you wish. He, or it, is there.
Out there somewhere.
My life has been primarily about two driving forces. The search for love, and the search for spirit.
I believe that having one, will naturally result in the other.
I believe love to be the most powerful force in the world. The universe. The multiverse.
In all of the seven dimensions and planes of existence.
Love is the force that is responsible for us being here. It has an intelligence. It is not originated solely from what we know of the Old Testament God. Yahweh, who physically was present in the garden of eden.
Religion is a diversion. All of them. Kernels of truth buried beneath mountains of...
Yeah.
If even one religion has it 95% right, imagine how much damage that 5% bit of falsehood can cause.
All it takes is one convincing lie to separate man from the truth. The best way to hide a lie, is within that which is presented as truth.
The more truthful something appears to be, the more susceptible it is to becoming corrupted.
And corruption is disorder. Every object casts its shadow, and we silly beings are deluded into thinking that the shadow is what actually is.
Plato's theory of forms in action.
Amazing how brilliant and perceptive that man was.
And other historical figures behind much of the foundation of spirituality as practised today.
And yet, we live in a world where truth is held in both contempt and admiration.
Contempt when it is spoken with timidity and a lack of self awareness, compassion and intelligence.
Admiration, when it is boldly expressed. In words and deeds. Without much regard for the consequences and belaying a clarity and thoughtfulness that goes far beyond what most of us are capable of.
I want to be admired for speaking my truth.
I don't want to hide.
And yet, I am in a delicate situation. A type of war. With myself and others. My loved ones, my values, my faith.
Everything is being challenged.
And I am playing the part of the fox. Neither a wolf, nor a sheep. Or a wolf in sheep's clothing. And vice versa.
A fox. Something that is in between. Something that doesn't fit.
But fits in all too well.
Balance. Good and evil. Left and right.
Light and dark.
Balance.
Grace, and dignity.
It's what I'm aiming for.
Seven more days to go.
Then I'll be back home.
